Chapter Text
Tessa knows the song is about her. She knows the whole album is about her.
She doesn’t think she’s being egotistical or vain about it, but it’s as plain as the nose on her face that all the songs on the album are about Scott and her, and their short-lived relationship.
Perhaps someone else might feel flattered or at least derive pleasure knowing they inspired the breakout album of the year...
But Tessa only feels grief and regret.
The first time she heard Scott’s voice over the local radio station in her car, she had been so thrown, she had swerved wildly almost getting into an accident with a street lamp. With her head still spinning, she had quickly pulled over to the safety of the curb, and promptly turned up the volume so that the song completely filled up her car… Yes, there had been no doubt about it. It was unmistakably Scott’s smooth voice coming out of her tiny radio speakers.
Tessa tried to concentrate on the lyrics, but all she could think about instead was Scott.
Hearing his voice had been a shock to her system, and it invoked all kinds of memories of the wonderful months she had spent with Scott... and how she had stupidly given him up without a fight.
By the time she was able to recall where she was - on a street alongside a nice suburban neighbourhood where a little old lady in a rocking chair on a porch was watching her and her car suspiciously, the song was already coming to an end. Luckily, Tessa was paying attention when the DJ confirmed that the song was from a local Ontarian boy Scott Moir, whose debut single was rocketing up the charts. The DJ also obligingly mentioned that Scott’s album could now be found in record stores, iTunes, Spotify, etc. and urged listeners to buy his music if they liked the song, since they really should support local Canadian talent.
Tessa found herself automatically steering her car towards the big music store downtown. It’s the middle of a busy Saturday afternoon, but she lucked out when a parking space opened up just as she’s pulling up in front of the building. She barely remembered to lock her car doors before she hurried into the building, looking around wildly for someone to assist her. Tessa was just about to hail down a surly teenager dressed in goth attire lugging boxes, when she caught sight of a display table near the entrance of the store.
There, right in front of her, was Scott’s face blazoned across an album cover.
In fact, there were multiple copies of the same album, all with Scott’s beautiful face looking pensive and thoughtful, his hair looking extremely fluffy... and every single one of those pictures made Tessa’s chest burst with pride, whilst her heart simultaneously clenched painfully.
She vividly remembers slowly walking towards the display to pick up one of the albums. Her hand trembled and a slight chuckle escaped when she realised how small the font was for his name. She could immediately imagine the entire conversation in some office meeting room. Scott trying to argue against having his name and face in the title and on the album cover, and then a team of executives arguing back that he needs to go all out in terms of marketing since he is a new artist.
The album cover with the simple black and white aesthetic she held was likely the resulting compromise. It was clearly a win for the marketing team who probably salivated the first time they got a look at Scott. They gave in on the font, so that they could plaster Scott’s gorgeous features on the album to help sell more copies. It was a simple and effective marketing ploy. You lure people in with the good looks, and they’ll be hooked in by the great voice.
She had turned the album around to check the list of songs, and a tiny smile escaped when she saw the focus was on the piano with the singer practically cut out of the frame. Tessa instinctively knew this was the photo Scott had lobbied for the front cover. Again, she could easily visualise the exasperated sulk appearing on his face at having his idea rejected, and then the shrug that came once he decided it wasn’t worth the effort. Scott would have shaken his head and then moved on, saving his fight for the more important creative battles related to the music and song selection for the album itself...
Tessa bought the album of course. For a split second, she contemplated buying twenty. Wanting to distribute them amongst her friends and family.
Then she had been aghast at how strong the compulsion had been. Over a year has passed since she and Scott had broken up, and she couldn’t believe how her immediate impulse had still been to throw all her support towards a man who probably despised her.
Plus, how was she supposed to explain his album? Hi Kaitlyn, hi Madison, have you heard this new artist called Scott Moir? His music is great and I am now giving you his album because he’s so talented I had to buy multiple copies?! No, that was ridiculous and absolutely untenable.
Furthermore, she could not even mention his name to her own family. There was still some unresolved rage and resentment within Tessa at how easily they had dismissed Scott. And how easily she had let them do so.
Instead, Tessa had cancelled the rest of her appointments that day, and promptly retreated to her apartment to listen to Scott’s album.
It was aptly named. Every song she listened to in that album seemed to encompass all of Scott and the relationship they had shared.
Scott sang about love and loss.
And every melody and lyrics on that album reminded her about the best parts of love... and the worst parts of loss.
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The songs from Scott are beautiful and haunting. And they haunt her even after she manages to drag herself out of her apartment, pretending all is right in the world of Tessa Virtue.
Scott and his music has officially become Canada’s hottest export, and his songs are not only dominating the charts, but the airwaves as well. Tessa can’t go ten steps without hearing his voice, whether in her head or in real life.
She’s buying groceries and she’ll hear the radio DJs play his songs and then talk about how Scott just appeared on Ellen to promote his album. She’ll be leaving barre class and will hear his music being used in a neighbouring lesson. And she’ll be having brunch with her girlfriends when his latest single will be played, and her friends will swoon over his velvety voice, wonderful lyrics, and handsome good looks. Tessa always has to bite her lip during those discussions because she just can’t trust herself to speak about him to anyone else.
The absolute worst experience for her was when she attended the newest production of her favourite contemporary ballet company. She hadn’t studied the programme much, having been running late and only reaching the theatre just before the curtain was raised. So she had been utterly unprepared when Scott’s Somebody You Loved starts playing midway through the show.
Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
The dancers portraying this story are amongst the best in Toronto and Canada. So it’s not surprising the stunning emotions they are able to convey through the dance. Their exquisite movement coupled with Scott’s voice, music and lyrics just washes over Tessa. And she is crying extremely ugly tears by the end of the routine.
She tries to pretend it’s just the beautiful dancing that affected her. But she’s not fooling Jordan who attended the performance with her.
Thankfully, Jordan didn’t try to probe Tessa on the incident. But that look in her eye and the slight tilt of her head as she studied Tessa, made it clear she had a pretty good idea what has happened.
Jordan has only mentioned Scott’s name once in the aftermath of That Evening. They had been out shopping and after a callous reference to her musician fling was met with an impressive display of temper from Tessa (the likes of which has not been seen since she was a pre-teen). Jordan never tried to mention or mock Scott again
Tessa’s grateful because she’s had enough painful reminders of Scott popping up in her life. With his music so clearly the soundtrack of their joyous short-lived relationship and its very long painful aftermath, Tessa wonders how long it’ll take before she can hear his voice and not internally cringe. Will she ever be able to hear his beautiful songs and not feel regret? Not ponder what if?
Tessa was just at a work event where more than one young good-looking man had approached her with a flirtatious smile. For instance, a tall blonde with blue eyes and gleaming white teeth had tried to pick her up during the cocktail reception, but all Tessa could think about was the charity event that started it all. She remembers gawking internally at those intense hazel eyes, being distracted by the wayward curl falling across his forehead and at how close she was to those defined cheekbones and jawline, and then feeling butterflies flutter in her stomach as a dopey, lopsided grin had blabbered on about food trucks, tacos and chocolate ice cream a few blocks away.
With a quiet sigh, she shuffles over to her living room, grabbing the remote control along the way. She has a gazillion emails to get through, but she’s not in the mood to do work tonight. Tessa starts flipping slowly through the channels, checking to see if there’s anything interesting on.
She pauses for a moment when she sees the opening introduction for the Graham Norton Show. He is one of her favourite talk show hosts, and his panels usually gets her laughing, easing the day away from her shoulders. She settles in more deeply into her sofa cushions, draws her knees up comfortably to her chest, and almosts drops the control when he announces his guest line-up for the evening.
Scott is on the show!
Tessa’ mouth drops open as his picture flashes on the screen during the introduction. She knew Scott’s music was big, but it hadn’t sunk in that it had travelled across the Atlantic to Europe and the UK!
While there is no question that Tessa would continue watching, she wishes she had more time to prepare for his actual appearance on the show. She was definitely not ready to see Scott bound up the stage like a puppy and enthusiastically shake Graham and the other guests’ hands.
Seeing him... hearing him again... is difficult.
Tessa struggles to pay attention, but she’s flustered by how devastatingly handsome he looks, in a fitted charcoal suit with a black shirt and tie made complete by a blindingly cheerful grin. She also notices that he’s trimmed his hair a little, but there’s enough curl left that makes her fingers itch to run through it.
The last time she saw him at that hotel lounge, Scott had definitely not looked his best.
Now however, he looked like a superstar. He looked like he belonged on that couch.
Underneath his confident and relaxed demeanour though, there is a slightly nervous sheepish energy that bubbles over occasionally. It just makes him all the more earnest and endearing to the host, the audience and his fellow guests. To Tessa, it reminds her of how her sweet Scott can get on a stage and be the most charming and electrifying performer, and the second he steps off it… he turns into an adorable dork who makes the cheesiest jokes you don’t want to laugh at, but can’t help but join in because of his infectious laughter.
One of the other stars on the red couch tonight is Ryan Reynolds and he and Scott completely hit it off. Within fifteen minutes of the show, it becomes clear to everyone the two men have formed a bromance. They joke about growing up in Canada. They share funny and almost competitive stories about being the youngest in a family of boys and being thoroughly tortured by older brothers. And perhaps most amusingly for the audience, Ryan keeps harping on how his wife Blake adores Scott’s music and thinks he’s cute. Ryan’s angst about Blake’s pesky crush becomes a recurrent joke throughout the show, and never fails to make Scott’s cheeks pink attractively even as he laughs goodnaturedly at the teasing from the older man.
Graham is known for maintaining excellent control of his sofa of guests, allowing the conversation to jump from guest to guest in an interactive and fun manner, while drawing out interesting connections and stories from them. So while the show keeps an excellent pace with Graham helping to shift the focus of the questions across the guests, Tessa can’t keep her gaze off Scott through the show. Scott may be how many million miles away in jolly old England, but Tessa’s thirsty as hell and unable to stop drinking him in. It’s been far too long since she’s had the opportunity to do so.
Eventually, the conversation on the couch swings back to Scott again.
“I must say I love that acoustic cover of I Wanna Hold Your Hand on your album. It’s such a lovely rendition of the Beatles classic.” Graham says. “But obviously it’s your own songs that have really captured audiences around the globe… and hmm… how can I say it delicately?” He pursues his lips, his eyes twinkling before he adds, “A lot of them aren’t the most heartwarming of songs. In fact, they’re rather depressing!” The hosts squawks out the last words with exaggerated wide eyes and a big shrug that leaves the audience laughing.
“Well, we tried to balance out the album out!” Scott protests. “And it sort of chronicles this whole relationship. But yes, I admit the singles we released veer more towards the heartache aspect of a breakup.”
Graham leans forward in his chair. “You have mentioned in the past that this album was inspired by the rise and demise of your own relationship.”
“Yes, that’s correct.”
“And I don’t want to seem nosy, but you’ve never revealed who this girl is before or really given any clues about her identity.”
“Nope, I haven’t.” Scott grins, knowing exactly what is coming his way from the flamboyant host.
Graham uses his cue card to cover his mouth from the camera and pretends to whisper in a furtive manner. “It’s just us here. You know… you, me, a few viewers at home... Is there any chance you would want to do so now? Get catharsis and that load of your chest whilst making her regret what happened? I mean what’s the point of having the number one single in the US, UK and twenty-seven countries around the world if you can’t indulge in these little petty pleasures!”
Scott just laughs and shakes his head, as Graham jokingly continues with, “Oh well, I tried!”
“Wait all these songs are about one woman?” Ryan interrupts. “Jeez… what did she do? She shoot your dog and leave you at the altar?!”
Scott is chuckling so hard, he is almost doubled over on the couch. “Yes! That’s exactly it!” Before becoming more serious, “No, it was not so dramatic like that! Things just didn’t really work out between us.”
“What happened?!” Graham asks with a curious and earnest tilt of his head.
Tessa’s heart stops as she watches Scott run his fingers through his hair.
“We were just very different people, with very different lives, and expectations of our lives. I admit I fell really hard for her. Real crazy in love, ready to do anything for her kind of love… When we were together and despite all our challenges, I thought she was just as crazy about me as I was for her. But we have very different temperaments, and in the end, I discovered that maybe she wasn’t quite on the same page as me.” Scott shrugs sheepishly.
It was such a generous and politically correct view of their breakup and her actions. Tessa doesn’t deserve it. Her cowardice had ruined everything, and anyone who actually knew what happened, would know it was all... her... fault.
“Obviously it ended badly and I was quite heartbroken. But you know what? It was a lesson learned about myself and I wouldn’t trade my few months with her for anything in the world!”
The aww from the audience echoed loudly in the studio, disconcerting Scott who seemed startled that he had revealed so much in an interview. In contrast, the words all felt like salt on Tessa’s still open wounds.
“No, no, I wasn’t intending to invite pity or sympathy or anything! It really was magical and wonderful, and everything books, poems and music tell you love is supposed to feel like. And that whole experience, the extreme ups and downs really inspired me.” Scott says as he covered his face briefly in embarrassment. “All of my original songs from the album stemmed from that one relationship. And I’m sure it’ll help to fuel my creativity for the next album too, because that well of emotion and experience is always there to be tapped again.”
Again, there is that rueful hangdog look on his face, that makes every female and probably half the males in the audience want to give him a consoling hug.
And that’s exactly what fucking Gabriella Papadakis does next!
The French Eurovision winner (appearing on the show with her partner Guillaume) dives in for a sideways hug right there on the red couch. Saying there there and squeezing his bicep flirtatiously as she mentions there are probably many women who would be happy to replace his ex as his inspiration!
Graham catches on to her play immediately. “Well… clearly there are so many ways in which you can get inspired and heal from a bad breakup!” He quips and then blatantly stares at Gabriella’s tight grip on Scott’s arm to make the audience laugh.
Tessa feels her fingernails dig into the palm of her clenched fists.
A fog of jealous mist descends over her as she watches Scott respond with a small smile to Gabi.
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It takes the entire commercial break for Tessa to get a firm grip on herself. She has to make an emergency cup of tea, pacing back and forth along her kitchen floor while waiting for the water to boil. Telling herself, she should be grateful that Scott still has good memories of their time together, and that obviously he’s still the kind of man who wouldn’t hold a grudge against the terrible woman who broke his heart. Also that it’s a good thing Scott seems to be thriving and that he’s moved on... so she no longer needs to feel guilty about how terribly she behaved.
She should also take his words of advice. There are so many lessons she learned about herself, which she will keep in her heart forever. And like Scott, she wouldn’t trade their short time together for anything in the world. Despite all the heartache....
After congratulating herself for getting some closure, Tessa makes the firm decision to move on with her life. To start dating again.
She recalls that her friend is involved in that big fundraiser coming up next week to help support arts education programmes in Ontario, and she is resolved to bring a date to the event. Perhaps that guy working in her father’s office who’s been persistently trying to ask her out over the last six months...
She’s feeling quite confident with her new life plan when Graham invites Scott to perform the music section of the show.
That’s when Tessa realises that despite hearing his music everywhere, she’s never watched Scott perform any of the songs on All of Me before. A heavy weight starts to settle into her stomach as Scott walks over to the stage.
The opening bars of Dreaming with A Broken Heart starts, and Tessa lets out a little sob. Of course it has to be this song.
She clutches her throw pillows desperately, as she stares at the contemplative and wistful gaze on Scott’s face while he sings his latest big hit.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
The repetition of the word “gone” always hits her especially hard. It’s like an unfailing reminder of how she had walked away from him that night, despite clearly seeing the devastation emanating from his entire being.
Quiet tears roll down Tessa’s face, and she has no qualms using the sleeves of her long sweater to try to dry them. It may be getting messy and disgustingly snotty, but her tissue box is too far away on the coffee table and she just doesn’t have the energy to try and reach for some.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once, you have to say goodbye
Wondering, could you stay, my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No, she can't
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
The notion of “waking up is the hardest part” from the first verse is something Tessa can understand and relate to… having gone through it many times herself in the aftermath of their breakup. It always sucked to dream of happier days with Scott and then wake up without him snuggled behind her. Knowing that it was all her fault that she would never see that lopsided smile directed at her again.
But that line about giving up… is completely shattering.
One of the things she always loved about Scott had been his unwavering optimism about life. His easy-going, almost happy-go-lucky attitude towards the myriad of challenges that came with trying to earn a living in the music industry, how he tended to see the best in everyone he meets, was all so different from the cynical people she was surrounded with daily.
It had been amazing to be around someone who could always make her smile on her worst days. And to know that he had to give up on something… had to give up on them every time he woke up hopeful… was so, so overwhelming sad!
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?
No, you won't
'Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
The first time she had heard this song, the mention of roses in the song had totally caught Tessa off guard.
Early in their relationship, Scott quickly learned that Tessa had no special regard to roses or to any other particular type of flower. However, after a discussion they had about red roses being considered romantic and the ultimate symbol of love in mainstream media – Scott was debating the use of their imagery in songs, Tessa had come home to find rose petals of different shades and colours scattered everywhere. They were strewn across her hallway, her kitchen, her living room… there were petals in her bathtub and across her bed…
Tessa never quite knew how Scott, the ridiculously romantic dreamer, had pulled that stunt off. However, she had very much enjoyed the roses that night.
When they awoke still sweaty, spent and satiated the next morning, Tessa’s head resting on Scott’s shoulder as they snuggled amidst a literal bed of roses… that was the moment Tessa knew Scott had completely stole her heart.
For a week afterwards, they would find rose petals in random places around her apartment. The sneaky petals managing to find their way into coat pockets, the crevices between seat cushions, inside the sock drawer… And every time they found one, Tessa and Scott would burst out laughing before being inspired to succumb to the romantic and passionate nature of that night.
Tessa still couldn’t look at roses without flashing back… Roses have now been forever linked to Scott in her mind.
Hearing them mentioned in this song, means Tessa will always think of it as the heartbreak song of their relationship and the album. It so easily references the crazy spontaneous romance that they shared… and the long pain and regret that has lingered even now.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part.
The last verse of the song is so short. And although they are an exact repetition of the opening lines, they are also the most lethal.
They truly exemplify her heartache from the breakup, and reminds Tessa that she is not really over Scott Moir because she still sometimes dreams about him with her broken heart…
When she does, waking up is indeed the hardest part…
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Tessa takes another fortifying sip from her champagne glass. She thinks it might be the only way she can survive the evening.
Rupert Harrington the Third may be a high-flyer in one of her father’s companies, he may have enough of the superficial looks and charm that had her thinking him a suitable date for this event… but gosh he was boring.
Tessa’s so thankful she didn’t go to dinner with him because two hours with this guy would have been a complete waste of her time. At least at a gala event like this, she’s able to speak to other people at the dinner table, and there was the whole auction section later in the evening to provide a fun distraction from her escort.
Because she might yawn in his face if she had to hear him blather on about his car any longer. The ride over had been rather excruciating, though Rupert seemed to think she was impressed with the horsepower of his car and had continued to talk it and himself up throughout the drive. And in the twenty minutes since they’ve been here, he had moved on to other cars in his collection! She’s grateful he just found a fellow aficionado to brag about his car with. It gave her a few minutes breather to take in the great decorations and set up, as well as tune out the conversation that was boring her to tears.
“I assume it isn’t going well? Your eyes are looking a little glazed over,” someone whispers beside her.
Tessa whips around to find one of her best friends, Midori Rutlege, covertly studying her date, with a tiny smirk playing on her cherry lips.
“Midori! You and the committee did a marvelous job tonight! This place looks like a fairyland!” Tessa hugs her tight. She ignores Midori’s question because it’s pretty obvious that she’s not going to be a good match with Rupert.
“Thanks! You know we worked pretty hard on the event and getting all the auction items. I really think we are going to raise a lot of money and exceed our internal targets.” Midori replies. “You will bid on something right?”
“Of course! I have my eye on the first edition of Anne of Green Gables.”
“Ooh, I think that’s going to be really popular. Don’t worry though, we secured a few more last minute surprise items to jazz up the auction so there’s more up for grabs on the docket if you end up outbid by the serious book collectors.”
“Oh! Any hints?” Tessa asks, curiously. Her mother has a birthday coming up and she just started her intensive search for a suitable gift.
“Nope! I did mention surprise right? Anyway it’s a varied list ranging from antique furniture to curated experiences like cooking classes.” Midori leans in closer. “Actually we are calling them surprises because the committee had to scramble once news broke of the Pelletier-Sale divorce. They gave up all pretences and yanked back the items they had promised to the auction. Tracy was absolutely furious! There was sympathy amongst the group about the divorce, but they did very much leave us in the lurch, and I suspect not all will be forgiven once the dust settles and Jamie has to work with Tracy on the Arts Council Board. However, at least for the auction tonight, I do think we ended up with an even more exciting lineup than previously planned.”
The two friends chat a little longer, before Midori spots a problem with the waitstaff and hurries off to have a chat with the event planner.
Giving her watch a glance, Tessa realises that dinner is about to commence and she decides to make a quick beeline for the ladies. Rupert is thankfully still distracted by his discussion so she takes the opportunity to desert him.
Just as she turns into the corridor leading into the restrooms, she bumps so hard into someone’s sturdy chest that she almost bounces back. It’s only her innate grace from years of dance lessons that allows her to find her footing instead of sprawling inelegantly all over the floor.
That, and the firm grip around her wrist and shoulder steadies her and allows her to find her balance.
Tessa looks up to thank her agile and deft rescuer, and instead draws her breath in sharply.
“Scott!”
*****