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Everyone has bad days. Lance is no different.
Lance lays in his bed staring up at the ceiling, the stars Hunk and himself had placed on there as soon as they arrived glowed lightly in the dark room. The only other light source in the room is the clock on Lance's dresser, bright red numbers staring back at him, mocking him.
He can't sleep.
He is so tired and just wants some damn sleep. He had tried to walk around to make himself tired, he tried tea, cool air, a bunch of blankets. Nothing was working.
Lance had no intention of bothering anyone, so he didn't. He refuses to wake up anyone else in the household. They were supposed to be taking a break, adjusting to the move from living separately to all of them living together, they were not supposed to be dealing with his bullshit.
He logically had no reason for not being able to sleep. Everything was fine and his room encompassed all of the aspects he loves for sleeping; cool air, light from the window and the stars on the ceiling, a light cover but still one that provides comfort.
It wasn't enough.
Lately he had felt like he was becoming more and more distant from his friends, he wasn't meaning to. He just felt like he wasn't enough. He worked his ass off to be an important part of the group and worked harder than he ever thought possible, yet nothing made him feel better or as if he was being more useful.
He felt inadequate and on some level, he felt alone.
For weeks after he initially felt alone he tried to tell himself that he wasn't, they were all just busy and had stuff going on. After a while, lying to himself became exhausting. His friends were all bettering themselves and strengthening their friendships and Lance loved seeing it happen. Hunk and Pidge spent a lot of time together building things and bonding over anything from mechanics to which dog breed was the cutest. Allura and Coran were attempting to make their new house feel like home and were both still setting up things around the house. Shiro was working on bettering himself and getting help for everything that he went through. Keith was slowly branching out and hanging around everyone else, cracking jokes and laughing freely when he felt happiness.
Lance was happy for all of them, he loved seeing his friends bond and treat themselves with kindness. He just felt so outcasted and alone. All of it was on him, he saw them start to get close and he got scared and distanced himself before he could be pushed aside by those he loved most. Lance knows it wasn’t right and that he can’t keep coming up with excuses to avoid the whole group, mainly because he’s running out of them. They range from not being hungry, being too tired, having a long day, having a self care night, all the way to already being late to doing his skin care routine.
Lance is tired of acting okay and bottling his feelings inside, and yet, he can’t bring himself to drop that on them and risk inconveniencing them, or even worse, making them feel guilty: because it’s not their fault at all. They are working on bettering themselves and developing their friendships and Lance can’t ruin that, so he sucks it up and keeps it all in. That night before bed he had thrown in a smile and a laugh at the right times, making sure that he kept his usual cheerful attitude on the surface, no matter how much he hurt inside. Seeing everyone joke around and throw in new inside jokes that he didn’t understand, that hurt. He knew it was his fault for distancing himself and for not making an effort to fix it, but Lance knew it was for the best. None of what Lance was going through was on his friends.
Lance closes his eyes and crosses his arms, placing them on his chest. He just needs sleep, he will feel better in the morning and it will be easier to deal with everything if he can just get some fucking sleep. The boy lays there for a few minutes, wishing sleep would come already, but it’s hopeless. Tears of frustration roll down his cheeks and Lance brushes them away angrily. He knows his feelings are understandable but he still feels pathetic and just plain bad. He shouldn’t feel alone and cast out because fuck, they all cared about each other enough to live together and Lance was a part of that. Even though he couldn’t believe it or process it without feeling like it was out of pity, he was included in their home. He was a part of their safe space and the place that they could all feel calm and comfortable in.
Yet, with everything going on, it didn't feel like he really belonged.
The loneliness started small, like many things do.
At first, it was the cancelled plans. The effort Lance put into making time and not getting that effort back. Then it was not seeing his friends that often. He knew they were busy and it wasn't their fault but it hurt. Lance felt as if his friends simply didn't care and after a while, he started to believe that he wasn't worth their care or time.
It sucks to think those you love don't care equally for you, but Lance was beyond that point. He felt inadequate and alone and needy.
After getting frequently rejected when he proposed a hangout, Lance stopped asking. He would rather not risk coming off as needy or pushy. Then it got worse. He noticed no one else was making an effort and that he was the only one pushing for time together and that broke Lance.
So, he stopped asking for their time and became more of a passive part of their lives. They didn't hang out that often anymore, not as individuals. He made excuses to skip out on big functions and stayed home instead. He laughed and joked and did everything he had to do to seem okay. Lance just didn't know how much longer he could do it for.
Lance was on his side now, silent sobs and tears streamed down his face and he didn't have the strength to stop them. He was so exhausted emotionally and physically and he just wanted to be okay. He knew it could get better if he just communicated but fuck, it's not easy.
That night he fell into an uneasy sleep, knowing that he couldn't keep it up much longer, but knowing he would do his best if it meant not burdening others.
Then again, he also knew he had to talk to his friends about it. He needed it for himself and his friends needed to realize what was happening.
He always had tomorrow.