Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Pt. 1: The purest form of love is one that breaks all your expectations.

-

There was nothing extraordinary about the way they met.

Sooyoung was a devoted dancer and a talented student, who cared a little bit too much about her grades. Despite being the youngest in her family, she was the leader of her own dance crew all while maintaining straight A's. Sooyoung was about passion and efficiency, and she didn't like to slow down for much. Jiwoo was a modest worker. She got good enough grades to get by and occupied her time with singing, writing, and photography. Although sometimes hidden behind a shy exterior, Jiwoo had a playful sense of humour and teased her friends much more than they liked. Both were juniors at an ordinary high school in Incheon, just an hour away from Seoul.

               After three years spent with the same people, friend groups were already established, and it was hard to break them. That is, until midterm season came around and Sooyoung’s friends studied during lunch instead of eating. Hot-headed as she was, Sooyoung convinced herself that she didn’t need the extra time to study. Instead, she tagged along with her gym class friend, Vivi, who introduced her to Haseul, Chaewon, Yerim, Yeojin and Jiwoo. Being in the same grade, Sooyoung had crossed paths with most of the girls before, but that was as far as their interactions went. Now, just a week or two after they started eating at the same cafeteria table together, Sooyoung was already liking the dynamic of this new group.

               “Yeojin, sweetie, you know you can’t save all the snails on that path.” Haseul exclaimed, picking up a roll of kimbap with her chopsticks. The girls were gathered around their usual table in the cafeteria, and had somehow gotten to the topic of Yeojin’s pet snails and her mission to rescue them from an unfortunate fate.

Yeojin puffed her cheeks in response, “But there’s so many of them getting stepped on by people on their way to school and-”

               “I think I might be one of those people…" Chaewon squeaked, with a mouthful of noodles.

               “So you’re becoming a snail farmer?” Yerim chimed in.

               Yeojin groaned, “Snail owner.”

               The girls laughed and before long, the conversation made its way to Yerim's tolerance of cockroaches. Sooyoung tuned out, poking at her mediocre meal of rice, bean sprouts, noodles and tofu soup. Most of the group had some variation of the same old cafeteria food, but with a sweeping glance around the table, she noticed Jiwoo sitting across from her with a bottle of strawberry milk, a specialty amongst all the mundane. At that moment, Sooyoung craved nothing more than to quench her thirst with a swig from that pink bottle.

Luckily, Sooyoung was a performer, a dancer, an artisté. She knew how to draw in an audience, and at the moment, her audience was Jiwoo, who was taking a sip of that sweet strawberry milk. As intimidating as Sooyoung seemed to strangers, she wasn't afraid to crack a good gag to her friends. This was one of those times, as she smirked towards Jiwoo and did her best sexy grabbing motion that Sunmi would surely be proud of. It was Sooyoung’s weird, over-the-top way of saying, ‘Can I try some of your strawberry milk?’.

               Jiwoo almost choked on her drink, half sputtering and half laughing at how ridiculous Sooyoung looked in the middle of the cafeteria. Jiwoo stammered, “Did you just flirt with me?”

               “What?” Sooyoung blinked in confusion, feeling a nervous sweat building on her forehead from the embarrassment. “I just wanted to try your strawberry milk!” She exclaimed.

Jiwoo responded with a playful frown, and Sooyoung realized that she had no chance of defending herself.

               “Okay, Sooyoung, whatever you say.” Jiwoo's teasing tone meant that she was unconvinced, but she handed over the drink to Sooyoung nonetheless. As Sooyoung happily took hold of the pink bottle in her hand, Jiwoo smirked, "You know, your flirting skills aren't bad, but I can do much better."

Sooyoung didn’t buy it. She raised an eyebrow in suspicion before taking a much needed gulp of strawberry milk.

"What are you talking about?" Yeojin cut in, leaving whatever conversation the others were having, "You’re only good at those horrible pick up lines."

Jiwoo beamed one of her million-dollar smiles. "Wanna hear one, Sooyoung?"

“Don’t even think about it.” Vivi groaned.

“They could be worse.” Yerim giggled.

“Um, okay?” Sooyoung set the strawberry milk down after licking her lips clean of the sweet drink. The others grew slightly concerned as Jiwoo began to lift her utensils.

“All these forks and knives, the only thing I’m missing is a little spoon.”

The rest of the group collectively groaned or sighed or tried to ignore Jiwoo’s existence. Meanwhile, the mastermind herself was all smiles towards Sooyoung, who couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit.

Lunch continued with Haseul and Vivi's bickering, Chaewon describing her favourite Animal Crossing villagers and some of Jiwoo's non-flirtatious teasing. After the girls parted ways for their classes, the strawberry milk incident didn’t cross Sooyoung’s mind again, until the next day, when the squad gathered at the cafeteria table and Jiwoo unpacked two bottles of strawberry milk.

-

Jiwoo’s house was conveniently located just a couple blocks away from the school, which made it the primary hang-out spot for the lunch squad. As an added bonus, Jiwoo’s mom worked in Hong Kong and her dad was in charge of the family café, which left the house unoccupied most of the time. For hungry high school students like the lunch squad, it was the go-to spot for snacking sessions after class. This time, the menu was fire noodles and black sesame ice cream, a combination that many of the girls craved for some odd reason. As the newest member of the squad, Sooyoung was invited. The girls, including Jiwoo, had no need for decency and scattered themselves around the living room floor, bowls in hand.

               “Are you good at eating spicy food?” Chaewon asked after taking in a mouthful of red, saucy noodles. Sooyoung frowned when Chaewon showed no sign of pain or anguish from a level of spiciness that would surely knock her out in one or two bites.

               “Uh, not really.” Sooyoung replied.

Yerim reached out, holding her bowl of noodles in front of Sooyoung, “Try it, it’s good!”

Sooyoung wasn’t quite sure whether it was the curiosity or peer pressure that led her to grab the pair of chopsticks and accept Yerim’s offer. She slurped up a generous portion of fiery noodles, ignorant of the consequences that were about to come.

Finally, the taste hit her, and the insides of her mouth were ablaze.

“Oh my god.”

               Sooyoung fumbled for something, anything. She chugged down an entire bottle of strawberry milk from Jiwoo's massive supply. After that, she scarfed down a gracious scoop of black sesame ice cream, ignoring the icy spike of pain as it hit the roots of her teeth.

The rest of the lunch squad watched Sooyoung’s one-man show with awe. As she grabbed another bottle of strawberry milk, Yerim frowned, “But it’s not that spicy, right?”

               Twenty minutes later and Sooyoung was in Jiwoo’s washroom, hair tied back as she leaned over the toilet. Her stomach was churning and bubbling with a new level of discomfort she had never experienced before. Surely, the deadly fire noodles and ice cream combo was to blame. Even after ten minutes of staring at the blank toilet water and several Google searches for ‘how to throw up’, Sooyoung still couldn’t bring herself to do it, and the bug inside her stomach was only getting worse.

               “Sooyoung, are you okay?” Jiwoo knocked on the washroom door from outside, voice riddled with concern.

               “I’m okay!” Sooyoung did her best impression of someone who didn’t sound like they were dying. Her stomach churned again, and Sooyoung winced. She definitely wasn’t okay.

               “Wait, I’m coming in! I think this might help.” Jiwoo stepped into the washroom and Sooyoung looked up to see her holding a popsicle stick in hand. She reached out to hand over the small, rectangular piece of wood and smiled, “Maybe this will help you gag?”

               Despite the grim situation, Sooyoung chuckled at her gesture, “Thanks.”

She took the popsicle stick from Jiwoo and simply held it for a moment. Watching your friend try to throw up in your washroom wouldn’t leave the greatest impression.

Jiwoo seemed to catch onto Sooyoung’s hesitation and backtracked towards the door, “Um, well, good luck!”

               Surprisingly, the popsicle stick did wonders, and soon afterwards, Sooyoung’s stomach bug was flushed away in the toilet. She made a mental note to herself to never, ever, try those fire noodles again. After stepping out of the washroom, Sooyoung was surprised to see Jiwoo in the hallway, waiting for her.

Jiwoo perked up, “You did it? Feeling better?”

Sooyoung smiled, “Much better, thanks to that popsicle stick.”

“You know, I’ve never seen someone throw up from eating noodles.” Jiwoo chuckled.

               “It was only because I ate too much ice cream after, okay?” Sooyoung snapped back, “That combo was plain wrong.”

Jiwoo laughed and side by side, they headed back in the direction of the living room. A few steps in, Jiwoo nudged Sooyoung with an elbow, “Hey, I just thought of a good one.”

“A good what?” Sooyoung raised an eyebrow.

“Pick-up line.”

“Oh my god, is this because of the strawberry milk?” Sooyoung sighed with a chuckle, “I wasn’t flirting with you, I swear-”

“Do you want to hear it or not?” Jiwoo pouted.

“Okay, go for it.”

Jiwoo let out an excited squeal as Sooyoung braced herself for another cringe-fest.

“I think I need to throw up, because I get butterflies in my stomach when I’m around you.”

Sooyoung winced and Jiwoo hopped around her in excitement after another successful pick up line.

Jiwoo - 2. Sooyoung - 0.

But, despite Sooyoung’s look of disgust, she found it hard to contain a smile as Jiwoo lightly punched her shoulder, whining, “Wasn’t it good?”

Sooyoung laughed, “I think I need another popsicle stick after that one.”

-

Sooyoung was straight. At least, that was the conclusion she reached at the time. She had a crush on a guy in her math class and denied it until she saw him walking hand in hand with some girl. That was when Sooyoung discovered envy.

Since then, she didn't think about dating.

She especially didn't think about dating girls.

In fact, she found the idea of it uncomfortable and strange to her. It wasn’t that she disrespected the LGBT community, but that just wasn’t her. Sometimes, she would secretly be thankful that she didn't have to live with the extra burden in a society that couldn’t fully accept love as love. So, when Sooyoung began texting Jiwoo every day, and meeting with her one-on-one, she thought nothing of it. It was simply two friends becoming even closer friends.

Even when Jiwoo and Sooyoung somehow started making cheesy pick-up lines their thing, Sooyoung still thought nothing of it. It was a funny dynamic between the two that all started with a bottle of strawberry milk. Now, almost every conversation between them was littered with flirtatious comments, as if it had become some kind of competition.

Jiwoo: sry can’t hang out after class today, gotta go to bio study group

Sooyoung: why go to bio when you can be with me?

Jiwoo: ok that one wasn’t bad

Sooyoung: what do you want to eat today?

Jiwoo: i want you

Sooyoung: 🤢 heard it before

Jiwoo: still better than u!

Jiwoo: where are you rn?

Sooyoung: in ur heart

Jiwoo: too cheesy!!

Sooyoung: what you’re way cheesier than me

               Sooyoung and Jiwoo had already gotten used to making arrangements without inviting the rest of the lunch squad, and today was no different. After class ended, they headed back to Jiwoo’s house for math homework, a rather unexciting activity, but with promises of meme-sharing and snacking afterwards.

They sat side by side at Jiwoo’s kitchen table, which doubled as their main study space. Jiwoo, who just finished scribbling down the answer to a question, leaned towards Sooyoung to peek at her papers. As Jiwoo’s chin brushed by Sooyoung’s shoulder, Sooyoung sensed a warmth radiating from the other girl- or was that just her temperature rising on its own? Whatever the case, Sooyoung noted that Jiwoo's eyesight should be substantially good enough to see from further away, but she didn't mind. After a moment of scanning, Jiwoo gestured towards Sooyoung’s sheet with her pencil. “Did you get 30 degrees for this one?”

“Yep.” Sooyoung nodded. “So acute angle is the answer, right?”

Jiwoo turned her head to meet eyes with Sooyoung. “You’re acute.”

She burst into giggles.

“Oh my god,” Sooyoung groaned, but was unable to contain her smile. “Is it possible for us to have a normal conversation for once?”

“But it’s fun right?” Jiwoo exclaimed. “It’s like practice for when we meet a boy we want to use it on.”

Boy. Jiwoo clearly said boy.

Sooyoung scoffed, “You wouldn’t really use one of those lines on a guy you like.”

“Who knows!”

After a moment, the two turned their focus back to the unsolved problem sheets, which were covered with equations, scribbly writing and Sooyoung’s “I <3 Sunmi” doodles. The few moments of peaceful silence were cut short as Jiwoo slapped her pencil on the table and groaned, “I hate calculus!”

Sooyoung smiled at Jiwoo’s cute expression of anger. She really was the personification of an animated character. “What’s wrong this time?” Sooyoung teased, poking the soft end of her pencil into Jiwoo’s puffy cheek.

               Jiwoo huffed, “This question set is so confusing.”

“Which part?”

“Derivatives.”

“Which problem?” Sooyoung flipped through her papers, glancing past the equations quickly, "We can check answers, I finished the homework for that part already.”

“Woah there, hotshot.” Jiwoo rolled her eyes, but she was still grateful for Sooyoung’s help. Sooyoung was a determined tutor, going through the problems with extra examples and careful explanations to ensure that Jiwoo really understood the concepts. But, burying their heads deep in functions and algebra was a huge downer. After they’d exhausted most of the questions, Sooyoung lifted her head from the table and winced while reaching upwards to stretch her stiff limbs. They’d been sitting for much too long.

Sooyoung glanced to Jiwoo beside her, who was intently writing up a solution, and simply watched for a moment. She noted that her handwriting was round and cute, extremely fitting for her personality. Sooyoung wanted to stare longer, but she was starting to feel her arthritis building by the second.

“Can we get some fresh air?” Sooyoung finally said, plucking Jiwoo’s pencil out of her hand mid-sentence.

They headed outside for a stroll around Jiwoo’s neighborhood. In May, flowers were beginning to bud, animals were peeking out of their hiding spots and everything seemed a bit livelier than the gloomy showers of April. The fresh, crispy air was a much-needed contrast to the muddy indoors.

Step-by-step, they talked about their disgust of durians, their mutual love for puppies, and their similar taste in music. Sooyoung took mental notes on Jiwoo’s fear of worms, distaste for carrots and her love of all things strawberry-themed. Jiwoo listened as Sooyoung elaborated on her ambitions as a dancer and her eternal love for the Wonder Girls. The two strolled through the streets of Jiwoo’s neighborhood until the sun started dipping below the horizon, elongating shadows and making everything glow golden. Sooyoung didn’t even notice the time passing when suddenly, she remembered that she still had unfinished choreography to make.

Sooyoung hated to cut their walk short, but nonetheless, she turned to Jiwoo, “Ack, I totally forgot, but I need to get home to work on some choreo.”

“I forgot, you’re the leader of the dance team!” Jiwoo gasped.

“Ah, yeah, I guess you could say that.” Sooyoung blushed, secretly proud upon hearing the word ‘leader’.

“Wow, you’re seriously good at everything,” Jiwoo raved, “I want to see you dance!”

“I’ll dance just for you someday.”

Sooyoung swore she could see Jiwoo’s cheeks turn pink as she grinned shyly, “Was that a subtle one?”

On the walk back home, Sooyoung already had her eyes glued to her phone, checking her messages with Jiwoo. She felt her lip curl into a smile upon seeing the latest message.

jiwooming: msg me when u get home ok??

Perhaps Sooyoung felt something growing inside her. Maybe that soft, warm sensation in her chest that she got every time they brushed hands or locked eyes was a spark, waiting to become larger and larger. But even if it was, Sooyoung ignored it. After all, they were both straight, and like Jiwoo said, their flirting was just an inside joke to be used on boys in the future. They were just friends- best friends. Maybe even soulmates.

-

               It wasn’t before long until going on evening walks also became Sooyoung and Jiwoo’s thing. It was crazy how fast they bonded, cracking jokes, sharing stories and not forgetting to throw in a flirtatious comment from time to time. When the two weren’t face to face, they were together online, over text. It became part of their daily routine to text ‘goodnight’ before turning off the lights and to wake up in the morning to messages from whoever got up earlier.

Sooyoung never considered dating a girl. To her, being with Jiwoo wasn’t dating, and she was fairly certain Jiwoo didn’t interpret it that way either. It was nothing more than best friend and soulmate activity. Sooyoung made that conclusion and convinced herself that it was true. Yet, it still didn’t explain the small ticklish sensation in her chest when she linked arms with Jiwoo on their evening walks, and today was no different.

This time, the two headed towards a park with an open field. It seemed like the decision paid off, because Jiwoo spotted a puppy scampering around in the distance. She squealed at a pitch that dolphins would envy, and lurched forwards, dragging Sooyoung along with her by the hand. Sooyoung smiled at Jiwoo’s excitement as they got closer to the small white dog, who hopped around excitedly on the grass.  Jiwoo reached down to pet the adorable short-legged fluff, but soon afterwards, it scampered off back to its owner. Suddenly it came to Sooyoung's attention that Jiwoo’s other hand was still in hers, fingers intertwined.

Sooyoung didn’t dislike holding hands with Jiwoo. She definitely didn’t. She just wasn’t sure of Jiwoo’s intentions, so she squeezed the other girl's hand lightly. “Are we still holding hands?” Sooyoung asked, hesitant of this new level of physical contact.

Jiwoo stood upright and smirked, “Why not? Is it making your heart thump?”

Jiwoo's comment hit a bit too close to home. Sooyoung’s heart did a mini backflip, and she tried not to think about what that implied. Holding hands with a girl shouldn't be making her heart flutter, and neither should Jiwoo’s flirting. But something surely stirred within Sooyoung’s chest, and she felt herself stumble over a suitable reply until finally snapping back, "Th-That one shouldn't even count!"

Jiwoo simply smiled back at her, satisfied that she finally got the calm and collected Sooyoung stuttering in front of her. "Well, it was definitely better than anything you've said today!"

Sooyoung frowned. "I'll make it up to you, just wait."

Jiwoo rolled her eyes jokingly in reply as she pulled Sooyoung forwards to continue their walk, fingers laced together. Sooyoung liked holding Jiwoo’s hand. It was soft, and warm, but there was an itch at the back of her head that she wasn’t able to shake. She was afraid. Afraid of what other people would think seeing two girls holding hands. They would misunderstand and maybe think that they were dating, or assume that they were gay, when she definitely wasn’t. Jiwoo wasn’t either, right? All the physical contact and flirting with Jiwoo was just the way that they joked around as best friends. They were not dating. They were not girlfriends.

Girlfriends. The idea refused to sit well in Sooyoung’s head. It was booted out every time it tried to settle down and replaced with an excuse that would be easier to swallow- that this was perfectly normal soulmate activity, and nothing more. Yet, Sooyoung’s conscience nagged at her. Every time someone passed by, it felt as though their stares were piercing through her. What if they think we’re dating? What if they think I’m gay? What if someone I know walks by?

Luckily, as they walked away from the park, Jiwoo managed to ease Sooyoung's mind off of her concerns. There was always something to talk about, from the random, to the profound, until finally, Jiwoo looked towards Sooyoung and asked, “Do you regret meeting me?”

Sooyoung paused. It wasn’t the first occasion that she was challenged by a deep question from Jiwoo. But this time, Sooyoung wasn’t thinking of their on-going flirting game when she looked back and said, “If I did, I wouldn’t be with you right now.”

Jiwoo gave Sooyoung a solid scoff for that one, but Sooyoung noticed her grinning ear-to-ear nonetheless. “Not bad,” Jiwoo replied, trying to play it off despite her reddening cheeks, “Extra points for subtly.” Perhaps to Jiwoo, all their flirting and physical touches were still nothing but scores in their little game.

               After some time, Sooyoung began to ease into the feeling of holding hands, but soon enough, night tugged away at the remaining hours of daylight until it came time for another farewell.

               Finally, they let go of each other’s hands. Sooyoung could still feel the imprint of Jiwoo’s hand in hers as she asked, “So fried chicken at the plaza tomorrow?” Jiwoo nodded and Sooyoung wondered if a goodbye hug would be appropriate when Jiwoo pulled her in first. She felt two arms wrap tightly around her waist. It was pure warmth that embraced her. Sooyoung didn’t hesitate to do the same, putting her arms around Jiwoo and bringing her close.

“I don’t want to wait until tomorrow.” Jiwoo mumbled against Sooyoung’s shoulder. It was a different tone than their usual flirtatious comments. It was genuine. Sooyoung felt something flickering inside of her.

               Sooyoung broke the hug and grinned at Jiwoo. “Nice one, guess we’re even.”

               Jiwoo smiled back, "Even? I'm beating you by a long shot!"

After one last goodbye, they parted ways, and Sooyoung headed towards her house. But before she could get far, a familiar voice shouted out from behind her, “Message me when you get home!”

Sooyoung turned and hollered back, “Okay!”

There, in the distance, was Jiwoo’s million-dollar smile.

Sooyoung wanted to see it every day.

-

"How does camping raise money for charity anyways?" Yeojin mumbled as the lunch squad gathered in front of a makeshift stage. Their school's annual donation-raising field trip was a front-first dive into nature, so the stage was nothing more than a patch of flat grass in the middle of the campsite. Despite its non-extravagance, it was one of the most important performances for Sooyoung, who was waiting with her dance crew in the wings.

Jiwoo made sure to snatch the best seats, front and center, for her friends and herself. Haseul crouched down to sit on the grass, patting Yeojin on the back. “Don’t question it, just be glad we get a break.”

“Some break,” Vivi mumbled beside Haseul, “You can barely call this a stage!”

“Have you seen Sooyoung’s dancing though?” Chaewon added with wide eyes and a half-eaten corndog in her mouth. ”She’s amazi-”

Before she could continue, Jiwoo nudged Chaewon to silence her chitter chatter, "Shhhhhhh, it’s starting!" Jiwoo scrambled to get her phone out of her pocket and began recording just as Sooyoung’s crew made their way onstage. The leader herself led the way to the center spot, dressed in a black crop top, baseball cap and sweatpants, and the other dancers followed suit. For a brief moment, Sooyoung spotted Jiwoo amongst the crowd and gave her a small smile.

5, 6, 7, 8.

The music blared from the speakers and Sooyoung’s confidence was radiating. She focused her power in every hit, spin, kick and wave, ensuring that she captured the center of attention, and that Jiwoo wouldn’t be able to keep her eyes off of her. On stage, Sooyoung burned with a fiery passion, not letting her energy drop at any time.

The crew’s dance routine was surely one of the highlights of the night. When Sooyoung hit the finishing pose, Jiwoo stood out amongst the crowd like a sore thumb and they immediately locked eyes. There was Jiwoo's signature smile. Amongst the screaming and applauding, Sooyoung smiled back before making her way offstage and giving her crew members pats on the back.

Soon afterwards, the show ended and Jiwoo found Sooyoung almost immediately. On the bench of a picnic table, the two watched the recording of the performance together as the sun began to set. As they huddled in front of the small phone screen, Jiwoo provided commentary on almost every part. She squealed, ‘That part was so cool.’, ‘That move was amazing!’, ‘As expected from the leader!’. Sooyoung blushed as she was showered with compliments from head to toe.

The rest of the night passed with party games, hotdogs and marshmallows, but to Sooyoung’s disappointment, she was sorted into a tent with her dance crew rather than Jiwoo and the lunch squad. She had imagined making s'mores together or hearing Jiwoo sing a tune in front of the flickering campfire, but sadly, their paths didn’t cross often. It wasn’t until the sun disappeared below the horizon and students began settling down inside their group tents that Sooyoung couldn’t take it any longer. She hastily took out her phone, about to give Jiwoo a call, when a notification popped up.

jiwooming<3: come to my tent it’s rly empty!!

sooyoungie<3: don’t we have to stay with our group tho :’(

jiwooming<3: 😢

Sooyoung figured she’d rather risk getting caught than to miss out on being with Jiwoo for the entire trip, so she wandered around the cluster of tents before finally finding the right one. Luckily, it was way too dark for any teachers to catch her sneaking around. Sooyoung slipped off her shoes and tucked under the cloth door, hoping that the sound of the zipper wouldn't be loud enough to wake anyone. In the dim lighting, Sooyoung guessed that the sleeping bodies in the tent were Yeojin and Yerim, the only ones who could already be knocked out this early. Jiwoo gestured towards Sooyoung in the dark, and Sooyoung tip-toed her way past the scattered bags and blankets until she got to Jiwoo’s sleeping bag.

Sooyoung frowned and whispered, “There’s no other sleeping bag.”

Jiwoo whispered back, “I know.”

Sooyoung paused while Jiwoo simply looked up towards her expectantly. Sharing a singular sleeping bag with another girl was too intimate to be purely platonic, and Sooyoung knew it. Yet, it was Jiwoo, the girl who made her feel all kinds of things that she could never admit to anyone else- not her friends, not her family, no one. The tiny spark inside of her had already grown into a small blaze. It was too strong to deny or resist. So she did exactly that- she didn't resist.

Sooyoung crouched down and slid herself into the sleeping bag, which was cozily warm thanks to Jiwoo’s presence. After Sooyoung settled in comfortably, the two ended up face-to-face, merely inches apart. They were so close that Sooyoung might have been able to count the number of Jiwoo's eyelashes when suddenly, Jiwoo nudged herself towards Sooyoung, placing her head in the crook of Sooyoung’s neck. There was no accidental proximity, or fleeting touch, it was Jiwoo wrapping her arms around Sooyoung, and making the heat under the sleep bag even warmer. Sooyoung put an arm around Jiwoo in response, holding her tightly.

As much as Sooyoung wanted to deny it, there was no way to reject the thumping of her heart and the warmth inside her chest. It was more than anyone else ever had ever made her feel, and as she felt Jiwoo's light breaths against the bare skin of her collarbone, she was sure Jiwoo felt it too.

A fair amount of time passed and Sooyoung was beginning to feel her eyelids grow heavy until Jiwoo stirred softly. Her voice was a drowsy whisper as she said, “Sooyoung, I can’t sleep.”

They walked at a snail’s pace with a single blanket draped across their shoulders, stepping along a gravel trail, dimly lit by lanterns. Jiwoo mumbled inaudibly as she struggled to maintain consciousness and Sooyoung smiled. How could a singular person be this cute?

Sooyoung wrapped her arms around Jiwoo, partially to keep her from tumbling over her own feet and partially because she just wanted to. They stood there, a huddle of warmth in the middle of a dusty path, with the blanket wrapped tightly around their shoulders. This time, Sooyoung was too tired to care if anyone saw them. She pushed the voice of logic inside her mind away. There was no label put on their relationship, but Sooyoung and Jiwoo both knew- they wanted nothing more than to always be with each other.

-

The school term ended, and the summer was hot, but incomparable to what it felt like in Jiwoo’s arms. Despite a strictly enforced 10:00pm curfew, Sooyoung slipped out of the house every evening under various excuses. In reality, all of them led back to Jiwoo. Sooyoung and Jiwoo still stayed true to their tradition of evening walks, but somehow, they always ended up in Jiwoo’s room before the night ended. A walk cut short meant more time for snacks and TV shows on Jiwoo’s double bed, with stocked chip bowls and a fully charged laptop. Strawberry-patterned pillows were the perfect backrest, but the cherry-on-top was Sooyoung’s arm around Jiwoo’s shoulders and Jiwoo’s arm across Sooyoung’s waist. They fit together like puzzle pieces.

-

After another evening stroll led them back to Jiwoo’s room, and tonight’s viewing agenda involved a recent episode of Running Man. Sooyoung should have been laughing along to the ridiculous games and jokes, but the feeling of Jiwoo’s body melded into her own tugged away at her attention. She could deny it all she wanted to, refuse to say the words and ignore the thoughts, but buried deep in the back of her head, Sooyoung knew.

Jiwoo was not just a friend, or a soulmate.

Sooyoung liked being with Jiwoo too much. She liked the way Jiwoo's eyes disappeared when she smiled widely, and the way Jiwoo's voice sprung into a high-pitched giggle upon hearing a good joke. She liked the perfect fit of their hands when they naturally took hold of each other, and the warmth of Jiwoo’s hug before they parted ways.

In the back of her head, it was so clear, but Sooyoung couldn’t imagine admitting it aloud.

Girlfriend.

Girlfriend.

Boys have girlfriends.

Girls have girlfriends?

Sooyoung’s prime tactic for her inner turmoil was none other than avoidance. She pushed away the thought and glanced down towards Jiwoo, who was snug up against her side and munching on another chip. Sooyoung wished that she knew what was going on in her head. Was Jiwoo as uncomfortable with the idea as she was? Or perhaps, was Jiwoo simply being courteous, giving Sooyoung time to accept it on her own?

Jiwoo finally noticed Sooyoung’s gaze on her and peered up from the laptop screen with her signature wide smile and a curious look in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

What are we?

Sooyoung simply smiled and reached for the snack bowl to feed another chip into Jiwoo’s awaiting mouth. “Nothing.”

1

Nothing definitely wasn’t accurate. Nightly viewing sessions in close proximity could only lead to one thing, and despite her inability to even utter the word ‘girlfriend’, Sooyoung was fine just letting it happen. Jiwoo's lips too often brushed by her cheek while they held each other and Sooyoung loved to tease back. When she saw a chance to close the distance, she would do exactly that, leaning in until Jiwoo’s breath tickled her skin and their noses could almost touch. Except before they could truly make contact, Sooyoung would pull back without saying a thing. Those brief moments left Jiwoo in short breaths and rosy cheeks.

On a typical night of snacking and TV series binging, the clock struck 10:00pm and like a modern-day Cinderella, Sooyoung prepared to make her way home after Jiwoo's pleas for her to stay were reluctantly denied. She would have gladly stayed the entire night, but parents were uncompromising, so she dragged Jiwoo down to the front door after some huffs of objection. Golden hour had been long gone, but an equally striking bluish-grey glow flooded into the hallway from the windowsill, making everything flush with the colours of dusk.

“Message me when you get home.” Jiwoo said with a small pout as Sooyoung slipped on her sneakers.

Sooyoung stood upright and grinned ear-to-ear, “I won’t forget.”

The dusk glow illuminating Jiwoo’s plain hallway made everything seem just a bit less ordinary than usual. For a couple seconds, neither dared to move an inch. Perhaps Jiwoo sensed Sooyoung’s reluctance to leave, or perhaps they both just wanted to preserve the moment. What was really happening in those quiet seconds was that Sooyoung was thinking that Jiwoo looked beautiful, and Jiwoo was thinking enough was enough.

She took a single step towards Sooyoung and stood on her tippy toes ever so slightly to lessen their height difference. In the faint twilight that brushed against the skin of Sooyoung’s right cheek, Jiwoo leaned in to press her lips against that spot, with a touch that was just as faint. Sooyoung’s cheek was left just slightly moist from Jiwoo’s lips, but a million thoughts were flooding through her head. A simple peck had so many stories behind it.

Sooyoung didn’t budge, but she could feel her cheeks starting to heat up and her heart rate rising- an effect that Jiwoo often seemed to have on her. When the situation was finally processed in her head, Sooyoung couldn’t help but break into a childish grin. In front of her with cheeks equally as red, Jiwoo returned a shy smile before quickly averting her gaze to the ground. They both smiled like idiots, too embarrassed to meet eyes and too dazed to say anything.

But Sooyoung wanted to top that.

Sooyoung hadn’t done it before, but she had watched enough movies and read enough books to know how it was done- hands on Jiwoo’s shoulders, a brief gauging of the target, and a quick closing of the distance until their lips met. No more frustrating teases, or sweet imaginations. Within a brief second, Sooyoung did exactly that, leaning forward until she felt the soft touch of Jiwoo’s lips and the peachy scent of her skin. Despite how much she liked it, a tinge of shyness and unfamiliarity made Sooyoung pull away quickly, making the moment short and sweet. There was nothing extraordinary about the location, or the setup, but it was as good of a first kiss as any.

Jiwoo must have felt the same way, because she let out a small squeal and spun away from Sooyoung as soon as she pulled back, opting to face the wall instead. Sooyoung smiled to herself, knowing that Jiwoo's cheeks must be burning red, much like her own.

Deep breaths.

Seconds passed of Jiwoo making eye contact with the wall, and Sooyoung silently thanked her. They both needed a moment to let the colour flush out of their cheeks. Sooyoung’s deep breathing exercises seemed to have been effective, as the heat began draining away from her face. In the middle of a breath in, Jiwoo finally turned back around so that they were face-to-face again.

Except, to Sooyoung’s confusion, Jiwoo wasn't smiling.

Instead, the other girl’s expression was clouded with concern as she let out a deep sigh, "Sooyoung, I really thought I was straight."

Sooyoung’s heart sank. She was partially relieved to hear that Jiwoo was experiencing the same turmoil that she was, but this was one of the topics that she dreaded the most. She avoided it everytime it arose in her thoughts- pushed it down and buried it only for Jiwoo to dig it back up so blatantly.

Sooyoung mind was rummaging for a reasonable reply when Jiwoo continued softly, "But then what are we?"

That was the second topic that Sooyoung dreaded the most.

A lump sat in Sooyoung's throat. What she had with Jiwoo wasn’t the least bit platonic, and she knew it. Yet, she couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. To be able to accept what was happening between them required a bravery that Sooyoung didn’t have. She was too afraid of being judged by people who couldn't understand. Heck, she had a hard time understanding herself. Sooyoung didn't have any openly LGBT friends and although things were getting better, it was still taboo to talk about it.

After what felt like the first awkward silence between them, Sooyoung opened her mouth, only to say, "You’re special to me."

"What kind of special?" Jiwoo blurted back.

Sooyoung wanted to kick herself for being so cowardly. Why couldn’t she say it?

Girlfriends.

Girlfriends.

"Soulmates?" Sooyoung paused and continued with a quiet voice, "Maybe something more than that..."

Sooyoung's heart rate was rising, and not for good reasons this time. Soulmates didn’t casually cuddle or kiss, and Jiwoo was surely suggesting something more than that. Her reply was a weak, diluted-down substitute of what she wasn’t able to say. Realizing her mistake, Sooyoung felt a nervous sweat building on her brow. She glanced nervously into Jiwoo’s eyes, hoping that she wouldn’t take offense to what was surely a stupid reply. But to Sooyoung’s relief, Jiwoo giggled.

"Soulmates?" Jiwoo pondered aloud. After a moment, she smiled, "Then, let's set a soulmate anniversary today."

The anxiety in Sooyoung’s chest died down. Friends, soulmates or not, usually didn’t set anniversary dates for each other, but Sooyoung waved off the thought again, simply glad that Jiwoo hadn't pushed her for a different answer. Whether Jiwoo was truly satisfied with her answer, though, was something that Sooyoung didn’t want to address.

Sooyoung breathed a sigh of relief, "Okay, then today’s day one."

“Day one.” Jiwoo replied.

The heat in the hallway was getting unbearable when Sooyoung reached for the door handle, “I better get going now.”

"Message me when you get home, okay?"

"Won't forget."

Sooyoung was about to twist the handle when she paused and loosened her grip. Perhaps she wasn’t able to admit it in words, just once wasn’t enough. Whether soulmates, girlfriends, lovers, or best friends for eternity and beyond, Sooyoung just wanted to feel the touch of Jiwoo’s lips against hers one more time. So instead of turning towards the door, she leaned in towards Jiwoo, putting a hand on her shoulder and crouching ever so slightly to meet her lips with her own.

Soft- like peaches and cream.

She pulled away within a second, but the peck still left Jiwoo seeing stars and her own inner flame wanting more and more. Before Sooyoung could reach for the door handle again, Jiwoo tugged on her sleeve and stammered, “Wait- are you sure you can’t stay a bit longer?”

2

Efficiency was Sooyoung’s favourite word, so she hated to clutter her phone with meaningless apps. However, this one was a necessary addition.

              Date Tracker

               2 days with Jiwooming<3

6

The time on Sooyoung's phone read 10:12pm. That was 12 minutes too late. Below the seemingly menacing digits was a recent notification from her mom, sent perfectly at 10:01pm. It read, 'Are you coming home yet?'. From the bus seat next to her, Jiwoo rested her head on Sooyoung’s shoulder and took a quick peek at her phone.

Jiwoo gave Sooyoung a pout, “Did I keep you out for too long?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Sooyoung laughed, enjoying the feeling of Jiwoo’s warmth on her shoulders. She rested her own head on top of Jiwoo’s so that they fit snugly into each other.

Sooyoung was about to type a reply, 'On the bus now', when Jiwoo lifted her head to give Sooyoung a sudden peck on the cheek before quickly retreating back to her previous position. It happened so fast that perhaps a witness would have thought the kiss was just a hallucination. Jiwoo said nothing, feigning innocence until Sooyoung leaned away to stare at her with wide eyes.

“Kim Jiwoo!” She hissed under her breath.

Alarms were going off in Sooyoung’s head as she glanced around the bus rapidly. Head-resting-on-shoulders was excusable as a platonic activity amongst high school girls, but cheek pecks were cutting it too close, and Sooyoung didn’t have any reasonable explanations prepared if a family friend or classmate saw them. Luckily, by the uninterested gazes of the bus-goers, it seemed like no one had noticed Jiwoo’s little stunt.

Sooyoung’s heartbeat began to return back to normal, but nonetheless, she whispered to Jiwoo frantically, "Are you crazy? There could be people we know on this bus!"

Jiwoo just smirked challengingly, leaning towards Sooyoung until their noses were a mere inch apart, "Want me to do it again?"

7

"Can you pass me a fry?"

Sooyoung reached for the basket of golden french fries on her left, but she didn’t intend to hand one over to Jiwoo so easily. The privacy of Jiwoo’s kitchen was certainly not the setting for a public stunt like Jiwoo’s, but Sooyoung wanted payback. Instead of handing the fry over, she held the salty snack between her teeth and leaned forwards. Jiwoo was visibly flustered by Sooyoung’s newfound playfulness but complied by snatching the other end of the fry between her teeth. The level of proximity should have been nothing new, but they were both blushing at the situation.

Cheeks red or not, Sooyoung didn't waste any more time before beginning to eat up her end of the fry. Closer, closer, she inched herself towards Jiwoo and tilted her head until their lips touched for a brief second. With a satisfied smirk, Sooyoung pulled away and chewed up the fry.

Jiwoo swallowed down the small piece left on her end and pouted, "I really wanted to eat a fry though..."

Sooyoung burst into laughter and placed another fry between her teeth. "Then, your turn this time."

12

Rice cakes, noodles, kimbap, pork belly, and kimchi pancakes were the menu items of Jiwoo’s first homemade dinner, specialized just for Sooyoung. At the end of it, Sooyoung's stomach felt as if it would combust as she flopped onto Jiwoo's living room carpet.

"I'm so full,” She groaned, “Just let me die here." Sooyoung had done her absolute best to devour whatever Jiwoo put on the table, and to her relief, Jiwoo's cooking did not disappoint.

Jiwoo joined Sooyoung on the carpet, laying down beside her so that their shoulders touched. She smiled, "I guess that means you liked it?"

Sooyoung laughed as she turned to face Jiwoo. She was met with two puppy dog eyes and Sooyoung felt her heart pounding, perhaps even more than her bursting stomach. Sooyoung cupped Jiwoo’s face with her hands, noting that her cheeks were particularly squishy.

"I loved it."

Sooyoung didn’t hesitate to close the small gap between them, bringing her lips to Jiwoo's in an instant. Unlike their other kisses, which never went beyond a quick peck, Sooyoung parted her lips and pushed them softly into Jiwoo’s. The gesture brought on a wave of heat that was never present before. They moved slowly, lips fitting into each other and tongues swiping across one another as they gradually exploring the gesture of kissing rather than pecking. Jiwoo tasted like strawberries and peaches and faintly of the dinner that they had shared tonight. As Jiwoo wrapped her arms tightly around Sooyoung’s waist, Sooyoung felt that her heart would be the one to combust before her stomach did. Alone on the living room carpet, they took their sweet time, taking in the taste of each other before finally drawing back.

Jiwoo frowned playfully, “Are you sure you’ve never kissed anyone else?”

Sooyoung chuckled and Jiwoo pulled her in by the neck for another kiss. It was like they’d gotten to a new level- uncovered a new skill, and it was one that Sooyoung wanted to use over and over again. Lying on the living room carpet, they moved their lips steadily in rhythm. Sooyoung was wishing that it wouldn’t end, when Jiwoo suddenly pulled away. Fortunately, she didn’t have time to complain, since Jiwoo maneuvered her body on top of Sooyoung's, placing her elbows on the ground beside Sooyoung's ears and locking eyes with her from above.

“Wait- what if someone comes home?” Sooyoung sputtered, suddenly realizing how breathless she felt.

“I don’t care.” Jiwoo smirked as she leaned in for more.

24

The days of hot afternoons and warm evenings together passed with such speed that before long, the fact that Jiwoo was leaving on a two-month trip to Hong Kong became too real to ignore. They’d discussed the trip many times before, but casually and without any mention of how it might affect their relationship- whatever that may be at the moment. Sooyoung had been trying to keep it out of her head in fear of not seeing Jiwoo for a whole 8 weeks. That was 61 days- 1461 hours. Not a day went by seeing each other for at least a few hours, so the thought of it was unbearable. Now, just a day before Jiwoo's flight, Sooyoung hated the feeling that their time together was slipping through her hands like quicksand.

They spent their last evening together much like any other, huddled up in Jiwoo's room, laying on her soft mattress with a bag of chips and another showing of Running Man. Something was different though. There was an unexplainable tension. It hung in the air amongst the crunching of chips and staged laughter of the variety show.

While the show went on, Sooyoung couldn’t keep her thoughts in check. Will she bring it up first? Do I have to bring it up first? Don’t we have to talk about it eventually? She stole side glances at Jiwoo, comfortably snug under her arm and snacking on the chips as usual. Perhaps Jiwoo wasn’t concerned, but to Sooyoung, the clock was moving much too quickly.

Finally, as the time was ticking down and nearing the dreaded hour of 10:00pm, Jiwoo broke the silence, tapping the spacebar to pause the show. Sooyoung had an idea of what was coming, and Jiwoo wasn’t afraid to cut to the chase, turning on the mattress to lock eyes with Sooyoung. Suddenly, their cozy cuddling session had become a showdown.

“Sooyoung,” Jiwoo began calmly, “You know I’m leaving tomorrow.”

Sooyoung nodded. “I know”

Jiwoo continued, “I thought you would bring it up first, but-”

“I thought you would bring it up first!” Sooyoung bickered.

That earned a small laugh from Jiwoo before she went on, “So you know what I’m thinking?”

“I think so.”

“Okay, well,” Jiwoo said slowly, “What are we?”

The voice inside Sooyoung’s head answered the question first. Girlfriends. Lovers. More than friends. She knew very well that a friend wouldn't make her heart do cartwheels or stick around in her mind all day, and that soulmates don’t just cuddle, flirt or make out on the carpet for a good fifteen minutes. But Sooyoung couldn’t bring herself to say any of those options. It was too foreign to her. She had lived her entire life accustomed to the idea of being with a boy, and accepting the socially discriminated, oppressed alternative required a bravery that she didn't have. She wished she could confess it too, but the words just wouldn’t roll off her tongue.

Girl. Friends.

Sooyoung averted her gaze to the corner of the room and blurted out, “I don’t know.”

She was a coward. And she hated it. If she wasn't afraid to hug, kiss or make the first move, why was she so afraid of a simple word?

A long silence hung in the air like a horrible stench, and there was no reply from Jiwoo. Perhaps during the first ‘soulmate’ incident their relationship was more ambiguous, but given everything they’ve done, there was now no clearer explanation- and Sooyoung was too afraid to admit it.

After staring blankly at the ground, afraid to look in another direction, Sooyoung finally squeaked, "Jiwoo?"

Sooyoung glanced towards Jiwoo, but the other girl was lying on the mattress, back facing her. There was no reply. Sooyoung hastily leaned over and wrapped an arm around Jiwoo's waist, bringing her close into a backhug.

"Jiwoo, I'm sorry, I just..."

Still silence.

The only thing Sooyoung heard was the obnoxious voice in her head.

You messed up big time, Ha Sooyoung.

Sooyoung took in a sharp breath, "I really like you, Jiwoo," She blurted. "It's just hard because-"

"I know," Jiwoo said with a shaky voice, "Because you're straight right?"

Sooyoung could tell that Jiwoo was on the verge of tears, if they weren’t already streaming down her cheeks. She could only utter a weak response, "That’s...what I thought.”

Jiwoo turned so that they were face-to-face on the mattress. "I really like you too, Sooyoung"

Now it was clear that Jiwoo’s face was stained with wet tears. Sooyoung’s heart ached to see the sight, so much that she could feel her own eyes start to water up.

As a response, Sooyoung pulled Jiwoo closer, into a hug so tight that it stole Jiwoo's breath. To Sooyoung's relief, Jiwoo hugged back. They stayed like that, sharing each other’s warmth and sniffling their tears until they dried out. Jiwoo didn’t ask for another answer, and Sooyoung prayed that there wasn’t a need for labels on their relationship, and that just holding each other was enough to rely the message.

I care about you so much more than just as a friend.

But time didn’t stop for friends or lovers, even in Jiwoo’s arms, where it felt as if Sooyoung could stay for an eternity. When the clock read 10:01pm, and the familiar notification buzzer rang from her phone, Sooyoung sighed and clutched onto Jiwoo a little bit tighter, "Jiwooming, I have to get going." Sooyoung was reluctant to leave as much as Jiwoo wished for her to stay, but she knew that it wouldn’t be long until her parents gave her an earful.

"Can’t you just stay ten more minutes?” Jiwoo protested. She squeezed Sooyoung tightly, as if she would disappear if she let go.

Sooyoung let out a small sigh, torn from wanting to stay with Jiwoo but also feeling the pressure of her curfew. "But it’s getting late, and don’t you have to pack still?"

“Just ten more!”

Jiwoo pulled back enough to look at Sooyoung with wide puppy-dog eyes, and it left her powerless.

“Okay,” Sooyoung conceded and sighed jokingly, given that she also wanted to stay. “Until 10:15, and then I really have to go.”

Jiwoo giggled and they basked in each other’s warmth for a while longer, talking about their summer plans with the occasional cheesy comment, like old times. Sooyoung’s phone buzzed again and again within the extra fifteen minutes that they had gained.

10:16pm. 6 unread messages.

“You might as well just stay until 10:30...” Jiwoo murmured.

Sooyoung couldn’t help but laugh while giving Jiwoo a playful glare, “Kim Jiwoo!”

25

As her mom's place of permanent residence, Hong Kong was like a second home to Jiwoo, but there was still a lot to explore and indulge in. On the flipside, Sooyoung rested back in Incheon, spending her days with cafés, books, and of course- dancing.

Although there was distance between them, Sooyoung and Jiwoo weren't really apart. They made video calls at least twice daily- once in the morning as they both got ready for the day and once at night as they settled in for bedtime. Although not with Sooyoung physically, Jiwoo’s playful nature was still apparent, and she would often whine for Sooyoung to keep the video call on until she fell asleep.

Sooyoung sighed softly, "I have to sleep too, Jiwooming!"

"But I just want to be with you longer." Jiwoo pouted.

Even in the small rectangular screen, Jiwoo was annoying adorable, and Sooyoung couldn’t help but smile. “I do too,” She replied softly, "but did you forget that I'm an hour ahead of you?"

Jiwoo giggled, “Okay, fine.”

“Don’t worry, we'll talk again tomorrow.” Sooyoung replied with a smile. "Goodnight, Jiwooming."

“Goodnight, Sooyoungie!” Jiwoo was waving goodbye as Sooyoung’s finger moved towards the red ‘end call’ button. Except before she pressed down on it, Sooyoung glanced up at Jiwoo’s brightly smiling face in the small screen- it made her heart ache.

Sooyoung smiled back and said, "I miss you."

Those three words made Jiwoo euphoric.

She beamed her million-dollar smile through the screen and leaned forwards to give the camera lens a big smooch, "I miss you too, Sooyoungie!"

That night, while laying under the covers and waiting for sleep to overtake her, Sooyoung grinned silently to herself.

31

Jiwoo was quite the tourist in a city she had visited many times. When Sooyoung opened up a notification from their chat, it was usually one of two things- something delicious Jiwoo ate, or something cute that Jiwoo bought. Amongst the second option were a selection of matching couple items. First, matching fruit-themed pencil cases- strawberries for Jiwoo and apples for Sooyoung, because those were their favourites. Second, matching animal keychains- a penguin for Jiwoo and a swan for Sooyoung, because they're both birds and Jiwoo thought they suited their personalities.

Sooyoung was thankful for every one of Jiwoo's purchases but she couldn't help but feel guilty that Jiwoo was doing all the gift buying. Even if Jiwoo was in the busier, tourist-built city, Sooyoung wasn’t going to let her take the role of the big spender by herself. So, without a second of extra notice, she took the next bus to the shopping mall and picked out their third set of matching items- cute oversized t-shirts- a burgundy one for herself and a peach one for Jiwoo.

Jiwoo was ecstatic when Sooyoung sent the photos.

45

The weeks passed, more or less the same as the first.

Jiwoo’s world was food, food, snacks, and more food, while Sooyoung’s world was mostly waiting for Jiwoo to come back. But days couldn’t go by quick enough without Jiwoo to help her pass them, so Sooyoung looked for other ways to occupy the void of time that emerged in Jiwoo’s absence. Luckily, dancing, TV shows and meeting up with friends was more than enough to satisfy the entertainment department of Sooyoung’s life.

Despite Jiwoo’s distance, Sooyoung still did a decent job of following their daily routine- messages throughout the day along with video calls to start the mornings and end the nights. Perhaps it could be attributed to the fact that Jiwoo’s city was far more exciting than Sooyoung’s, but of the two, it was still Jiwoo who sent more frequent and enthusiastic updates. Sooyoung definitely wasn’t lax though. She was usually keen to reply and to make good conversation. The days that they were apart quickly turned into weeks, until soon enough, Sooyoung was booked to enjoy a vacation in Busan with some old friends.

Busan had an atmosphere that Incheon and Seoul just couldn’t compare to, and Sooyoung hadn’t realized how badly she’d missed it. Just a couple blocks from the bustling beachside, the sight of the familiar apartment complexes near her old home somehow made her heart flutter with excitement. It was a feeling she hadn’t felt for quite a while.

Sooyoung’s first duty as a returning Busan native was to catch up with old friends of whom she hadn’t seen for over a year. As the sun peaked brightly through the clouds on a fine, moderate day, Sooyoung headed out the door. Her afternoon plans led her to the outside patio of a local café, where Sooyoung sat with a childhood friend, sipping iced coffees and enjoying the seaside breeze. In the middle of a conversation about renovations in Sooyoung’s old neighborhood, Sooyoung noticed her phone visibly shake on the patio table. It was the notification buzzer- it rang once, twice, three times, and then a fourth.

Sooyoung had a hunch that it was Jiwoo. The short duration between messages and the sheer volume of them couldn’t point to any other person. Usually, she responded as quickly as possible, knowing that Jiwoo would do the same. However, today was dedicated to an old friend, and Sooyoung was dead curious about the juicy whereabouts of her former elementary school classmates. So, with a twinge of guilt, Sooyoung made a mental note to surely, definitely, reply to Jiwoo later in the day, and for the first time, turned off her notifications.

47

The energy of the room, the cheers of the other dancers and the killer choreography were things that Sooyoung had missed so dearly about her old dance studio. It had been a full day workshop, stretching from noon until night, complete with five unique choreographies. Sooyoung was so immersed in all the bursting energy of the studio and exhausted afterwards that she hadn't had the chance to reply to Jiwoo all day, let alone make a video call. When she finally got home and flopped into bed, Sooyoung felt as though she could crash within a single second. Yet, knowing that someone was waiting for her, she mustered up the energy to swipe open her phone.

As expected, she had numerous unread messages.

jiwooming<3: sooyoungieee what are you up to?

ate hong kong lobster and went to the mall today ^^

[Jiwoo sent a photo]

[Jiwoo sent a photo]

[Jiwoo sent a photo]

are you out?

sooyoungie?

sooyoungie<3: i'm really sorry Jiwoo, I was dancing all day :’(

jiwooming<3: it's okay! how was it? wanna talk about it over video chat?

sooyoungie<3: it was great! but i'm sooo tired

                             im sorry jiwoo

     but i think i’m gonna go to sleep

     can we talk tmw?

jiwooming<3: yeah of course!

sooyoungie<3: goodnight jiwooming!

Jiwooming<3: goodnight sooyoungie

Sooyoung set her phone on the bedside table and gathered the last bit of her remaining energy into turning off the table lamp with an exhausted groan. Now that everything had gone dark, Sooyoung was ready to finally knock herself out right there and then on the comfort of her cushiony mattress, when her phone suddenly lit up with another message.

jiwooming<3: i miss you

56

              Date Tracker

               56 days with Jiwooming<3

              56 days.

They had now spent more days apart than days together- officially together, at least.

For some reason, Sooyoung could have sworn that the date counter was inaccurate. The difference between being together physically and simply being together in writing was beginning to creep into Sooyoung’s consciousness. What was it like, being able to hug Jiwoo, to kiss her, and to feel the warmth of their bodies together? Jiwoo had been away for over a month now, and back in Busan, where Sooyoung could meet her own friends, eat delicious food and play to her heart’s content, Jiwoo felt more distant than ever before.

But nothing had really changed on Jiwoo’s side. She was still bubbling with sunshine, sending Sooyoung enthusiastic photos and messages of every notable event that crossed her path. She eagerly awaited Sooyoung’s video calls when they agreed to make them, and always kissed her goodbye every time before the call ended.

And for Sooyoung? Sooyoung tried to pay it back. She sent messages to Jiwoo between her day to day activities, but it became apparent to both of them that something had changed in the quality of their conversations. But it wasn’t Jiwoo that felt distant, it was Sooyoung who was letting the distance get between them.

The line that they had clearly crossed before was beginning to grow fuzzy again. Busan was teeming with exciting events and revived friendships, and within the thirty-some days of Jiwoo’s absence, delayed replies turned into slow replies, and slow replies turned into ignored replies. She had never meant for it to happen, but Sooyoung had begun to forget. She had forgotten the way Jiwoo could send bolts of electricity to her heart with a single touch, and that unexplainable warmth in her chest when they held each other. It wasn't like the fire had burnt out, but it was unattended to, and what remained below the ashes was Sooyoung's hardcoded thoughts- that she liked boys.

Didn’t she?

Sooyoung’s head was a muddle of thoughts. While it was true that she still liked talking to Jiwoo and hearing about her day, without the cheesy comments and occasional heart emojis, weren’t they simply like best friends? If the memory of hugging and kissing grew less and less vivid in Sooyoung’s memory, what set them apart from soulmates?

Sooyoung felt strange.

What the heck were we doing?

61

Nights of aching for Jiwoo’s comfort and sweet talks over phone screens became nights of old friends, greasy fried chicken and tasty sodas. Distance was a strange thing- it ripped people apart and left a chasm of longing that slowly got wider with the slow trickle of sand in the hourglass. It tried to smother out the fire inside of Sooyoung and stripped away the familiar feelings of heart thumping and nervous blushing, until everything she felt was just lukewarm.

Sooyoung felt horrible about it whenever she talked with Jiwoo. She was nurturing a relationship with a girl while surely, she was straight. Guilt snaked into Sooyoung’s heart every time she replied to Jiwoo’s flirtatious comments or excessive heart emojis because she knew- it was just the pressure of not wanting to disappoint Jiwoo that made her do it. It had become burdensome to try and match Jiwoo’s level of affection and excitement with every interaction, because she just didn’t feel the same as she did a month ago. Yet, despite her jumbled bag of feelings, Sooyoung was too afraid to tell Jiwoo the truth in fear of losing her friendship.

That was Sooyoung- seemly perfect, cool, calm and collected, but always so afraid. Until one night, when the guilt building inside of her was unbearable.

jiwooming<3: goodnight sooyoungie 😘😘😘😘😘

There it was again. Jiwoo’s darned enthusiasm and affection every time they ended a conversation. Sooyoung wished she could feel the same excitement that would warrant a similar response of loving emojis, but she just couldn’t anymore. She couldn’t, and Jiwoo had to know, because Sooyoung was done with dragging on this act. Knowing that a confession over text would be a total jerk move, Sooyoung’s guilt piled on by another layer. Yet, she hated the thought of leading Jiwoo on even more.

You were never able to accept being with her anyway.

Sooyoung began typing out her confession.

You both like boys, so it’s time to cut this out

Sooyoung felt sorry.

You should tell her the truth.

Sooyoung pressed send.

sooyoungie<3: Jiwoo, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you the truth

I think

We should cut it with the couple stuff…

I really like being with you but

Aren't we really just like best friends?

The text below the message changed to ‘seen’ and Sooyoung’s heart began racing. She’d done it. She’d said what had to be said, but her anxiety was skyrocketing and the ‘Jiwoo is typing…’ only made it worse. Sooyoung realized, the only thing worse than the thought of leading Jiwoo on was the thought of breaking Jiwoo’s heart.

Seconds ticked by without a reply from Jiwoo, and the constant appearing and disappearing ‘Jiwoo is typing…’ text was a rollercoaster in itself.

What will she say?

Did I just break her heart?

Does she feel the same way?

After what must have been an eternity, Sooyoung was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief.

jiwooming<3: okay

             if thats what you think

sooyoungie<3: we're still soulmates!!

Sooyoung had no idea that Jiwoo couldn’t sleep at all that night.

63

Sooyoungie<3 set her nickname to Sooyoungie^^

Sooyoungie^^ set Jiwoo's nickname to Jiwooming^^

72

               Sooyoung and Jiwoo spent the rest of their days apart as how Sooyoung said they would- like best friends. They texted on and off, sent the occasional food photo and went about their own business in their own cities. To Sooyoung, it felt like nothing had changed but the definition of a label. After all, they still shared funny conversations and cared for each other, much like any pair of soulmates. But Jiwoo- Jiwoo was torn.

Sooyoung's vaguely-defined breakup was suitable for their vaguely-defined relationship, but combined with her affectionate and frequent texts, Jiwoo didn’t know what to think. A fuzzy boundary was set, and Jiwoo was afraid to cross it. Was a singular heart emoji too much? At what number of texts per day was there a difference between soulmates and girlfriends? Everything between them was a hot mess of mixed signals. But it was Sooyoung's fault for drawing the line so blurred- so much that she couldn't even tell if she was crossing it or not.

Sooyoung caught herself laughing stupidly at her phone more than once during one of their casual conversations about everything from clothes to aliens and plants to pet peeves. Luckily, she was hidden away on the privacy of her comfy mattress as she did nothing else but clutch her phone and lie in wait of Jiwoo’s responses. The time sped by without Sooyoung even noticing until Jiwoo hit 12:00am and Sooyoung hit 1:00am, when they finally agreed to save the rest of their talk for tomorrow. Sooyoung realized it was just like old times, when they would talk endlessly on their evening walks, arms linked or hand in hand.

After some additional fussing about when they would talk again and Jiwoo’s goodnight message, Sooyoung couldn’t even catch herself before her fingers instinctively moved across the keyboard,

i miss u|

But before the message could be sent, Sooyoung hesitated. Perhaps the implications of the phrase were too affectionate after Sooyoung had sort-of-kind-of-not-really broken up with Jiwoo. So, Sooyoung hurriedly erased the letters, substituting it for a friendly ‘goodnight^^’ instead.

But perhaps she had been overthinking. Friends miss friends. Friends say I miss you. And at that moment, Sooyoung really missed Jiwoo.

78

               The two-month timer ticked away just like that, ending with Sooyoung and Jiwoo in a confusing spot that neither of them dared to clarify- too close to be just friends but too afraid to cross the imaginary boundary. Despite the step back in their ‘relationship’ that was initiated by none other than Sooyoung herself, she was looking forward to Jiwoo’s return more than she had anticipated. When Jiwoo’s plane touched down in Incheon, Sooyoung double-checked and triple-checked the online schedule before shooting her a text.

              sooyoungie^^: u back yet? let’s meet up!

Just a few hours after the plane hit the runway and mutually agreeing to meet, Sooyoung took the all-too-familiar path down towards Jiwoo’s house. In her hand was a shopping bag of knick-knacks and matching items that she had bought for Jiwoo early into their two months apart. As Sooyoung passed by the familiar park and took steps up the hill to Jiwoo’s house, flashbacks of countless evening strolls, hand-in-hand with Jiwoo’s, were already beginning to uncover themselves in the pit of her memories.

For some reason, Sooyoung was sweat-inducingly nervous. In the back of her head was the faint memory of the words that she had sent to Jiwoo that night, communicated by characters on a screen instead of over a phone or video call. Did they still mean something? It was impossible, but a part of Sooyoung wished that Jiwoo didn’t remember it.

Finally, Sooyoung reached the plain, cream-coloured front door. It was exactly the same as how she left it months before. Taking a breath, she only had to ring the bell once before the door was quickly opened by a familiar face. Jiwoo, with the same slightly curled bangs and an orange blouse and jeans, hadn’t changed a bit. She was beaming her smile, the Jiwoo Smile, and it was infectious. Sooyoung grinned ear-to-ear and set her bag of gifts to the ground before wrapping her arms around Jiwoo. She felt reassurance rush through her body as Jiwoo hugged her back.

Holding each other tightly, Jiwoo mumbled softly, “Nice to see you too.”

Amongst small talk about Jiwoo’s trip and Sooyoung’s pastimes, Sooyoung set her gift bags on the kitchen table next to Jiwoo’s bags- which were significantly more plentiful. Seeing the kitchen, living room carpet, and sofa suddenly made the memories of their unproductive study sessions and take-out dinners flood back to her. It was making her heart clench with nostalgia.

Jiwoo didn’t seem to notice anything off with Sooyoung’s reaction and exclaimed excitedly, “What did you bring?”

She leaned towards Sooyoung’s side to take a peek down her gift bag and brushed by Sooyoung’s side, a bit too close for comfort. Their shoulders bumped and their hands touched. To Sooyoung, it felt like heat. Something lit up within her from the sudden contact, and it caused Sooyoung to stumble a step away, putting a bit of distance between her and Jiwoo.

Sooyoung tried to sound unaffected when she replied, “Ah, it’s not much.”

But inside, Sooyoung’s heart had taken a hit from that brief moment of proximity and she was still recovering from it. Looking at Jiwoo now, being with her and being able to see her, talk to her, and touch her- it brought back a feeling that Sooyoung had forgotten she had been capable of. It was something that only Jiwoo was able to incite within her, and she was aching for it.

Sooyoung hurriedly reached into her gift bag before Jiwoo could question her awkward backstep. She took out their matching tees and a few knick-knacks from Busan, and Jiwoo followed suit by laying her own gifts on the kitchen table. Sooyoung mouth gaped open at the number of small gifts and candies that Jiwoo had imported. There were strawberry-flavoured gummies, chocolates, keychains of the Hong Kong skyline, and the couple items that Jiwoo had mentioned, pencil cases, keychains, and all. Sooyoung could only mutter a shocked ‘thanks’ as Jiwoo pulled out item after item of candies and knick-knacks onto the kitchen table.

“Ooh, these gummies are really good.” Jiwoo grinned, tearing open a package of grape-flavoured Japanese-branded gummies. They sat down at the kitchen table, sitting side by side as Jiwoo reached out to give Sooyoung a grape-gummy. “Try one.”

As Jiwoo turned towards her, Sooyoung couldn’t help but notice as their knees softly bumped into each other, and neither of them pulled away from the contact afterwards. Sooyoung accepted the gummy gratefully in her hand, and smiled back, “Thanks.”

Jiwoo watched her as she took the candy in one bite. Perhaps she was mistaken, but Sooyoung could have sworn that Jiwoo’s gaze wasn’t directed straight at her lips. When Sooyoung chewed up the candy, its sugary textures sent a jolt of flavour to Sooyoung’s taste buds.

“Mmmmm!” Sooyoung hummed, “It’s so good!”

Jiwoo smiled, “Have another one.”

Except this time, she held it in front of Sooyoung’s face and fed it directly into her mouth.

Screw the soulmate talk.

Sooyoung didn’t even have time for her cheeks to grow red or to finish chewing up the candy before Jiwoo leaned towards her. In a swift movement, she touched her lips to Sooyoung’s cheek. Sooyoung’s thoughts went blank.

               Jiwoo pulled back and smiled softly. “You were waiting for that, weren’t you?”

               Sooyoung, with flushed cheeks and a shy smile, took a moment to reply, “Kinda.”

               “Ha Sooyoung!” Jiwoo groaned with frustration and gave Sooyoung a punch on the shoulder strong enough to earn an ‘ow’ from the other girl. “You know friends don’t just kiss, right?”

As if she had just been caught red-handed for her crimes, Sooyoung quietly replied, “…I know”

“So then what are we?” Jiwoo asked.

There it was again. The question from two months ago that Sooyoung had previously despised and refused to think about under any circumstances. The question with an answer that Sooyoung wasn’t able to accept.

Except that was in the past now.

Sooyoung drew in a deep breath, “I’m really sorry, Jiwoo. I was being stupid. This- everything is just so hard to understand. I swore I thought I was straight, but then- we happened, and you were gone for a long time and I- I-"

Jiwoo interrupted her with a tight hug before she could finish. Sooyoung felt warmth engulf her body- it wasn’t just from Jiwoo’s hug, but it was alive inside of her chest. Tears began to well up in Sooyoung’s eyes, and she mentally scolded herself for having uncontrollable tear ducts. In an attempt to contain the tears that were aching to slide down her cheeks, Sooyoung squeezed her eyes tight, hoping that Jiwoo wouldn’t break the embrace.

Holding Sooyoung, Jiwoo spoke softly, "It's okay, I had to think for a long time about it too..."

Sooyoung sniffed as a single tear squeezed its way through her eyelids and down her cheek.

Jiwoo paused. “Are you crying?”

Sooyoung forced out a weak cough to try and cover the shakiness in her voice, “Maybe a little.”

Jiwoo pulled back from Sooyoung and burst out giggling upon seeing her red eyes and wet cheeks. “You’re so stupid!”

Sooyoung smiled sheepishly while dabbing at her eyes, “Yes, I am stupid.”

“Yeah, you are.” Jiwoo mumbled while bringing up her hand to wipe at Sooyoung’s tears. “Now answer me, what do you want us to be?”

Sooyoung swiped a tear away what was hopefully the last tear from her cheek and gathered up the courage to look into Jiwoo’s eyes.

Her voice was steady.

"I want to be together.”

Jiwoo was smiling. "No more 'soulmate' business?"

"I’m sorry, Jiwoo,” Sooyoung sighed, “I'm an absolute idiot! Okay?"

Jiwoo leaned forwards so that their noses almost touched. Wasn’t the temperature a little too hot for late August?

"Well, at least you admit it."

Jiwoo wrapped a hand around the back of Sooyoung neck and pulled her in.

117

              May. June. July. August. September.

              Those were the months that they had survived together, more or less.

September was the season of new beginnings- a time when trees began to wither but the starting school term sparked new classes, new friendships and new routines.

Sooyoung and Jiwoo made it a routine to see each other every day.

In art class, Sooyoung had somehow managed to convince the substitute teacher to let her work outside the classroom, in a quiet study area with a secluded corner. The corner was home to old musical set pieces, oversized canvases and paint splattered chairs, but it also had a decently sized table that Sooyoung had been thinking of using, mainly for its cover from the public eye. After getting to the spot and setting down her utensils on the table, Sooyoung sent a quick text to Jiwoo to come down.

               Jiwoo, who was stuck in a boring physics class, made the excuse of a washroom break, which could be extended to about ten minutes thanks to the ‘womanly issues’ explanation. She rushed to Sooyoung’s private corner as quickly as possible. 

Sooyoung immediately grinned as she spotted Jiwoo approaching.

“Now this is what you call a private spot.” Jiwoo giggled, marveling at how the canvases provided the perfect coverage.

“It’s perfect, isn’t it?”

Sooyoung scooched over on her seat so that she could share it with Jiwoo.

“Perfect for what?” Jiwoo asked.

Sooyoung leaned in to give Jiwoo a quick peck on the lips, grinning afterwards. She was fairly certain that no one would be able to see them, but glanced around a bit just to make sure. Being in public was exhilarating.

Jiwoo wasn’t so impressed though. She smirked, “Weak.”

Jiwoo pulled in Sooyoung by the cuff of her shirt before she could even react. It wasn’t a short, fleeting peck like other times when they were feeling daring in public. It was Jiwoo fitting her lips to Sooyoung’s and refusing to back off. Jiwoo parted Sooyoung’s lips and ran her tongue across the other girls’, leaving Sooyoung gasping for breath. Sooyoung didn’t back down, and softly bit Jiwoo’s lower lip before letting go.

After that, both of them had eyes flickering around the area in worry of any witnesses. Luckily, no one was in sight. Sooyoung and Jiwoo locked eyes, and smiles spread across their faces. The added adrenaline of being in public left both of them breathless and wanting more.

A bit of lip-locking later, Jiwoo rose from her seat and prepared to head back to class in hopes that no one would question her extended washroom break. Before leaving, she gave Sooyoung a quick squeeze of her thigh. Jiwoo smirked, “Let’s go back to my place for lunch today.”

225

The last year of high school wound down in a flurry of sweet exchanges, warm touches, and hotter nights. It was Sooyoung and Jiwoo living in their own world, glued to one another and refusing to be separated. It was euphoria.

The two would escape during lunch break to Jiwoo’s empty house, and under the ‘best friend’ cloak, no one knew of their antics. After class ended, they rushed back to Jiwoo’s, trying to do homework but always getting too distracted by each other. To prevent suspicion because of how often they met, Sooyoung told blatant lies to her parents that she would be meeting a different friend. But once she was out the door, Sooyoung rushed back into Jiwoo’s embrace, where she would stay before it became too late to tell made-up excuses.

Before finally parting ways, Jiwoo would whine and beg her for ten more minutes, and Sooyoung's big soft heart would give in, effectively earning her a lot of ‘when are you coming home?’ texts. Being apart from Jiwoo was counting down the time until they could meet again, and being together was wishing for time to stop. They stole kisses under the cover of umbrellas, on the seats of empty buses and after the sun went down. There was something exhilarating about loving someone and having to hide it from everyone else.

365

Jiwoo would regularly ask, “What do you want for our anniversary, baby?” to which Sooyoung would cheesily reply, “You.”

After such an incident occurred again, Jiwoo said, “I thought we were over the pick-up lines.” She was smiling though, amused with Sooyoung’s cringy line.

               Sooyoung simply shrugged, “Doesn’t hurt from time to time.”

When the day came, Jiwoo and Sooyoung were both loaded with gifts. For Sooyoung, it was signed Sunmi merchandise that probably cost way more than Sooyoung felt comfortable with, and of course, couple swan and penguin socks that Jiwoo had somehow managed to find. For Jiwoo, it was a strawberry-themed gift galore including perfume, a pencil case, pocky, chocolate, and other treats.

               In Jiwoo’s room, they exchanged cuddles and kisses before a barely-romantic dinner of take-out chicken wings eaten in front of a laptop playing the latest k-drama. Before spending another night together, they tried reading their handwritten letters to each other, except they didn’t get far before the words became too cheesy to be read aloud. Jiwoo’s letter was long, and sweet, written in her cute and bubbly handwriting, and Sooyoung’s heart clenched at its final words:

It doesn’t matter where I go as long as it’s with you. I want to be together for our 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 10th, 100th anniversaries! I love you, Ha Sooyoung! From, your baby, Jiwoo.

390

Akin to the common idea that ‘time passes quickly when you’re having fun, time passed extraordinarily quickly. High school graduation came by, and Sooyoung beamed from backstage as Jiwoo walked into the limelight to receive her diploma. Even with that dumb hat, she was as cute as ever.

The announcer began, “In fall, Jiwoo will be attending Incheon University, majoring in business.” The principal handed Jiwoo her rolled-up paper diploma, and Jiwoo turned to give one of her million dollar smiles to the audience. Even from a distance, it made a smile spread across Sooyoung’s face without her even noticing.

As she awaited her turn to step on stage, Sooyoung entertained herself with the thought of becoming the cutest campus couple at the most prestigious university in Incheon. Sooyoung in engineering, and Jiwoo in business, and in four years, their next graduation together would be just as sweet.

Pt. 2: But even that changes.

447

University was a change. The same thirty-some faces in the plastic chairs of a high school classroom became a hundred strangers in a lecture hall, equipped with retracting projector screens and a mic-ed up, PhD-boasting professor. It was a sea of students flooding in from all around the country- no, all around the world.

Easily enough, Sooyoung found her niche on the university’s competitive dance team. When she wasn’t studying, she was practicing. Naturally, she bonded quickly with the other girls, hitting the books together or grabbing a quick bite after practices.

Heejin was the nerdy one that had beaming charisma on stage. Hyunjin was sporty, and kind of weird, but endearing nonetheless. Jinsoul was a cutie with an S-line that left everyone conflicted and Jungeun had looks that were way too cool to approach. Lastly, Hyejoo was hardworking and a bit slow to warm up, but a truly genuine friend.

Despite how close she got to her teammates, Sooyoung felt as if the word ‘girlfriend’ was still taboo. Amongst the slivers of boy talk, there was never a good time to bring it up either. Sooyoung just hoped that they never questioned why she always stood up their plans to see her ‘good friend’, Jiwoo.

For Jiwoo, her new friends were made in the classroom, with girls in her major. They were Seoul girls. Perhaps Jiwoo’s program was known to be less academically straining on its pursuers, but Jiwoo’s friends loved having a good time and soon enough, she was dragged into it too. Soju and cigarettes, except that Sooyoung forbid Jiwoo from getting even moderately close to one of those sticks of death, and Jiwoo didn’t want to try one either.

Sooyoung was introduced to the friend group a house party that Jiwoo had convinced her to attend. To Sooyoung’s surprise, Jiwoo’s friends were already well-aware that she was of girlfriend status. It was a bit hard to swallow at first, but the idea of their relationship being public-ish was slowly beginning to settle in. In front of the ‘Seoul girls’, Sooyoung didn’t need to make any excuses for their dates or try to hide their touches.

Sooyoung didn’t dislike Jiwoo’s new friends, but despite her efforts to get to know them, there was a fundamental divide. Sooyoung was passionate about school and dance, but Jiwoo’s friends were into makeup and cars, brand shoes and boys that would buy them all those things. So, attending the house party wasn’t really about getting to know Jiwoo’s friends. It was so that even after a dozen shots in, Jiwoo would have someone to take her back home.

In the small but lavish kitchen of one of the Seoul girls, Sooyoung took a sip of her cider from the marble countertop. Amidst the pounding of speakers that would surely leave the neighbours complaining, Jiwoo leaned against her shoulder. She must have had more than just a couple shots of soju or vodka, because Sooyoung could notice the red tint to her cheeks and feel the heat radiating from her body.

“How much have you drank?” Sooyoung laughed, admiring how the natural blush made Jiwoo look even cuter than she already was.

“Not that much,” Jiwoo mumbled back. But before Sooyoung could reply, Jiwoo was already up and dragging Sooyoung by the arm in some obscure direction. Their alcohol was abandoned on the counter as Jiwoo’s hand slipped down to hold onto Sooyoung’s.

Sooyoung asked with an amused tone, “Where are we going?”

“The washroom.” Jiwoo replied.

They shuffled past the other bodies in the hallway to the neatly cleaned washroom. Jiwoo pulled Sooyoung through the open door and hastily shut it behind them, flipping the lock shut.

“Wha-“ Sooyoung started.

Despite being obviously tipsy, Jiwoo was perfectly accurate in pulling Sooyoung in by the collar of her buttoned shirt and bringing their lips together. Sooyoung didn’t like the taste of soju very much, but the way Jiwoo softly bit on her bottom lip and swiped her tongue across her teeth made it more than bearable. Sooyoung wrapped her arms around Jiwoo’s waist and pulled her closer until their bodies were snug tight against each other. She toyed with Jiwoo’s tongue using her own and lightly bit down on it until Jiwoo’s breaths were heavy over the beating bass of the music thundering through the walls of the house.

Sooner or later, someone would surely knock on the door, but they would have to wait.

University was new- a survival of the fittest, a battle royale- with new responsibilities and new challenges that was unlike anything high school had prepared them for. A couple weeks in, and Sooyoung and Jiwoo were already smack dab in the middle of a new environment with new people around them. Maybe Sooyoung had the slightest tickle of worry about the influence of Jiwoo’s new friends, but in the moment, nothing was a concern.

Because everything was new, but Sooyoung and Jiwoo were the same.

470

Both Sooyoung and Jiwoo liked the idea of being a campus couple, but Sooyoung was still considerably less comfortable with public displays of affection compared to Jiwoo. After multiple trials that inevitably led to nervous sweating, Sooyoung finally agreed to hand holding in public despite the risk of running into one of her crew members, who still had no idea about Jiwoo’s true identity.

Sooyoung tried to brush off the concern in her head, but it lingered somewhere in the back of her head as she walked with Jiwoo, hand-in-hand, fingers linked, through the winding paths of the university campus. It was beautiful. The golden-brown foliage marked the start of a new season, and with Jiwoo beside her, Sooyoung’s worries began to drift away. Jiwoo was mumbling about the incomprehensible accent of one of her professors when suddenly, a familiar voice called out from ahead.

“Ha Sooyoung!”

Sooyoung let go of Jiwoo’s hand immediately, attention snapping to the pretty dark-haired girl in front of her.

               “Oh, Hyunjin!” Sooyoung broke into a forced smile as she stuffed her now empty hands into her coat pockets instead.

Sooyoung chuckled with the slightest pint of awkwardness, “How’s classes?”

“Ugh, such a bore.” Hyunjin groaned, rolling her eyes. “I’d be better off learning how to bark, or something.”

Sooyoung laughed, a little more naturally this time, “Don’t you know how to do that already?”

Hyunjin responded with a couple of her best ‘woof’s and ‘arf’s before finally noticing that there was someone standing close by Sooyoung’s side.

               “Oop.” Hyunjin blushed and gave Jiwoo a small bow to greet her, “Ah, is this the Jiwoo?”

“Oh- yeah.” Sooyoung stuttered.

               “Nice to meet you!” Hyunjin smiled brightly, holding out a hand.

               “Nice to meet you too.” Jiwoo took Hyunjin’s hand in her own and the two shared a quick handshake.

               “Sooyoung’s always skipping out on our team dinners for you, you know?” Hyunjin smiled and Jiwoo let out an embarrassed laugh.

Hyunjin hadn’t found out, had she? Sooyoung felt the nervous sweat start to build on her forehead. Luckily, it didn’t last for long as Hyunjin abruptly said, “It was nice seeing you guys, but I gotta get to the studio! Heejin’s gonna complain that I’m late again.”

Sooyoung’s nervousness drained out after the potentially dangerous conversation topic was avoided. She gave Hyunjin a small wave, “Practice well!” Hyunjin made her way past them with a sweet smile and Sooyoung added a shout, “Don’t get too distracted!”

Hyunjin looked back briefly to give her a playful glare in response.

When she disappeared around the corner, Jiwoo took Sooyoung’s hand back in her own. Their fingers worked silently and naturally intertwined as if they’d done it a thousand times. Jiwoo’s hands were cold, and Sooyoung realized it was her fault.

Jiwoo murmured, “Why’d you have to let go so quickly?”

Sooyoung gave her hand a squeeze, “Sorry, Jiwooming, I got surprised.”

               “She doesn’t know, right?” Jiwoo asked quietly, looking up into Sooyoung’s eyes.

Guilt slowly started to creep up on Sooyoung, triggering an imaginary situation in which she introduced Jiwoo to Hyunjin as her girlfriend. How would that have been? Jiwoo must have been proud introducing Sooyoung to her own friends in that way, but yet, here she was, squirming at the mere thought of it.

Sooyoung let out a defeated sigh, “She doesn’t know.”

The disappoint flashed across Jiwoo’s eyes as she asked, “Does anyone know?”

Sooyoung looked away from Jiwoo, and towards the path of wilting golden brown leaves instead, “Not really.”

495

It was nearing a year and a half into their relationship, and Sooyoung could tell.

They were warm, but not burning with the same heat. They were loving, but not overflowing with sugary sweetness like they once had. It was comfortable, and routinely, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. They would frequently meet throughout the week, and then part ways to take care of matters in their own lives. For Sooyoung, it was her dance crew and her studies. For Jiwoo, it was her friends and a new part-time job working at her family café.

Yet, they still found time for each other. Sooyoung would make up excuses to sleep over at Jiwoo’s at least once a week. When their schedules aligned, they ate noodles in the plaza next to campus or grabbed a coffee before studying together. But, Sooyoung's worlds were kept separate. Whether it was members of her new university dance crew, fellow students in her class or old high school friends, Sooyoung relationship was known to others as a friendship, and nothing more. The ‘relationship talk’ was a conversation that rarely came up and one that Sooyoung would rather avoid. Her reasoning was that it would only create unnecessary complications.

Despite her preferences for secrecy, Sooyoung really did love Jiwoo, and she made it clear to her. Sooyoung rarely passed up an offer to go on a date, and made time for Jiwoo in her packed schedule for the most trivial things- eating instant ramen on the couch or napping together for no particular reason. They never passed up a ‘goodnight, I love you’ before ending a day and still used Jiwoo’s bed for nights of cuddling and kissing, amongst other things.

In fact, it was Jiwoo that would sometimes pass up Sooyoung’s invitations due to her own party-antics or part-time schedule or something of the sort. It didn’t bother Sooyoung much though. They had their own lives, but as long as they still had each other, it was okay.

It’s okay.

496

“Don’t you think we’re more like best friends than a couple sometimes?”

It was a bolt out of the blue from Jiwoo.

Sooyoung’s eyes flickered up from her phone towards Jiwoo lying on the mattress beside her. They were enjoying a short break from assignments and responsibilities, lying on Jiwoo's bed and attending to social media and Youtube videos on their own devices. Had something on Jiwoo’s phone had initiated the thought? Or had the idea had been in her head for awhile? Either way, Sooyoung didn’t like it.

She frowned, “Why? But we’re a couple.”

Jiwoo’s eyes didn’t part from her phone screen as she murmured, “Nobody even knows that.”

Sooyoung's heart sank. After the encounter with Hyunjin and the fact that nobody- absolutely nobody on her side knew about their relationship, Jiwoo’s feelings were coming into light. Whether it be to Sooyoung’s dance crew buddies or classmates or high school friends, Jiwoo was just a best friend, and nothing else. But in reality, she was so much more than that.

Sooyoung slid closer to Jiwoo on the mattress and wrapped an arm around her girlfriend’s waist, pulling her into a back hug. Nuzzling her chin into Jiwoo’s hair, Sooyoung’s voice was almost a whisper, “Don’t say that, baby.”

Sooyoung hated to hear that tone from Jiwoo- for someone who knew her far too well, it did a terrible job of hiding her disappointment. But surely Jiwoo knew that Sooyoung loved her more than just a friend. There was no need to broadcast their relationship to others, as long as their feelings were genuine. Didn’t Jiwoo know that too?

After a short moment, Sooyoung felt a soft hand grab onto her own. All it took was that small gesture to relieve the tension in her heart.

Sooyoung held onto Jiwoo a little bit tighter and said, “Jiwooming, I love you, isn’t that enough?”

“I love you too, Sooyoung." Jiwoo replied softly. “Sorry, it was just a random thought.”

498

Midterms were hard. Meeting friends was hard. Dancing was hard. Juggling all of those while maintaining a relationship was hard. Everything about university was harder than high school, but if anyone was up for the challenge, it was Sooyoung. When three midterms hit in the same week and dance practice was as demanding as ever, Sooyoung's life became one of two things- study and dance. Study and dance.

Amongst her hectic schedule of extra classes and late night practices, she didn’t have the leisure time to see any of her friends- or Jiwoo. How long had it been since she hadn’t seen Jiwoo? Three days? Four? Surely not five- Yet with so much to do, it could have been an entire week without seeing Jiwoo, and Sooyoung wouldn’t even have noticed.

Yet Sooyoung knew better than to leave Jiwoo in the dark. During their pockets of free time, they talked over text or made a video call or two when possible. They asked each other how their days were and still said ‘goodnight, I love you’ every night. But Jiwoo was a busy girl herself, and had to handle her own duties as a student and part time cashier at her family’s café.

It was the fourth day, or maybe the fifth. Schedules were demanding and bodies grew tired, and finally, one night, there was no ‘goodnight, I love you’ between them.

505

              When the storm subsided, it didn’t take much until Sooyoung ended up in a familiar spot- waiting outside Jiwoo’s front door. Midterms had passed, and no dance practice or part-time shifts interfered with their leisure time that day. They would finally be able to go back to normal. So when Jiwoo invited Sooyoung over, it seemed like there was nothing wrong. Sooyoung was prepared to give her girlfriend a big smooch, catch up with each other and cuddle up in front of some Netflix.

              But after the door creaked open, something was very wrong.

              “Sooyoung-ah.”

              First- Jiwoo’s voice wasn’t in the familiar bright tone that she would often use to greet Sooyoung, it was heavy and low and not at all Jiwoo-esque. Second- her gaze was glued to the ground, refusing to look up to meet Sooyoung’s. And third- Jiwoo’s eyes were pink and glazed with a layer of tears waiting to fall down her cheek.

              Sooyoung’s automatic reaction was to pull her in a tight hug. She threw her arms around Jiwoo and stroked her hair with one hand. “Why? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Jiwoo didn’t say a word and the alarms began going off in Sooyoung’s head. She clutched Jiwoo tighter. “Jiwoo, it’s going to be okay, tell me what’s wrong.”

              “Sooyoung-” It took a moment for Jiwoo to form her words because tears began streaming down her cheeks. Sooyoung drew back from their hug to help wipe them away with the sleeve of her jacket. She hated to see Jiwoo like this, because every teardrop was a shot to Sooyoung’s heart.

              “Sooyoungie…” Jiwoo’s voice was quivering. Sooyoung expected the worst.

              An accident? A crime? A disease?

“I think...maybe it would be better if we’re just friends.”

              Just. Friends?

              Sooyoung hadn’t expected that.

Jiwoo’s voice grew a bit firmer as she continued, “But I don’t want to lose you. I care about you so much, Sooyoung. It’s just that- even to everyone else we’re...just best friends.”

              Sooyoung was frozen. Her worries were dissipating into confusion, heartbreak and lastly, anger. She forced herself to speak as calmly as possible, “But we’re a couple.”

              “Nobody even knows that!”

              There it was again.

              Jiwoo wiped away another tear, “And minus a few things, aren’t we just like best friends?”

Sooyoung had no words because she was still untangling her thoughts. She wanted to cry out- argue with Jiwoo about all their stolen kisses and all the nights they spent with bodies snug against each other. Was that just friend-behaviour? But Sooyoung couldn’t bring herself to say it. It was true that they were at a lukewarm point in their relationship, but they weren’t at rock bottom. And perhaps that fact was emphasized by their time apart last week but-

Just. Friends?

Sooyoung finally spoke, her voice shaking, “Well...if that’s what you want.”

              Jiwoo sighed, “I don’t know if that’s what I want, Sooyoung, I don’t know, I just-”

              Sooyoung hugged Jiwoo tight, with a force that stole her breath. A mesh of thoughts were still flooding into Sooyoung’s head. Sooyoung would have given Jiwoo the world- anything that she wanted. But surely a friendship wasn’t truly what Jiwoo wanted. She was just confused. She had a right to be confused after the past week.

              “Are you sure?” Sooyoung asked, her own tears forming in her eyes.

In Sooyoung’s arms, Jiwoo finally let out a defeated sigh, “I’m sorry. You’re right, Sooyoung.” Jiwoo’s tears were still taking time to clear up as she finally hugged Sooyoung back, “Can I take it back?” Jiwoo’s voice was small- childlike. “I mean it when I say I love you, Sooyoung”

Those words were relief, rushing through Sooyoung. She blinked rapidly to try to suppress the tears in her eyes. “I love you too.”

“I’m sorry,” Jiwoo said again, “I shouldn’t be overthinking so much.”

508

               Dance practice usually ended late for Sooyoung and her crew, and by the end of it, everyone was rushing to get home. But tonight, after most of the tired dancers left the studio, two of them lingered behind- Sooyoung and Hyejoo. Hyejoo sat on the floor with disheveled hair, chugging a water bottle and waiting for her sweat to dry. An electric fan whirred towards her, blowing a much-needed breeze, and Sooyoung inched over to sit beside her.

               Hyejoo was a computer engineering major like Sooyoung, so they would often work on assignments together with faculty-mates Jinsoul and Jungeun. In a matter of time, between being on the same team and studying together, the two grew close, suffering through lectures together and sharing crude jokes as if they were real siblings. Although she didn’t often show it, Sooyoung could tell that Hyejoo genuinely cared, and so did Sooyoung.

So, Sooyoung wouldn’t have chosen anyone else to fess up to. No more hiding behind fake labels. It was about time that somebody knew that Jiwoo wasn’t just her friend, or a really really close friend.

Sooyoung and Hyejoo sat silently beside each other on the wooden floors of the studio, with only the buzz of the electric fan whirring through the air. She hadn’t said a word yet, but Sooyoung’s heart was pounding just drawing out the situation that was about to unfold. She wasn’t used to these conversations. How had Jiwoo done it so easily without being afraid of judgement?

What if Hyejoo’s horribly homophobic?

What if she starts treating me differently?

What if-

Worries ran rampant in Sooyoung’s head. She imagined herself backing out and simply heading home with a casual ‘goodnight’ again and again, but with nobody to eavesdrop or interrupt, there was no better time to tell Hyejoo. Yet, Sooyoung couldn’t bring herself to start the dreaded conversation that was muddling around in her head, so the two just sat in silence.

Why is this so hard?

Even upon entering university, none of Sooyoung’s close friends were openly gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, queer- anything. She was the only one, and nobody around her had any idea of how hard it was to feel so different.

Screw it.

The words were on the tip of Sooyoung’s tongue again, and this time, there was no cowardly withdrawal. It took her all of her effort to finally urge them out.

“Hyejoo. Can I tell you something?”

               “Yeah?”

               Sooyoung went silent. Her heartbeat was beating rapidly, and it felt faster than it had during the practice. She considered just saying ‘nevermind’, but there was no turning back now. She knew she wanted to say it- for Jiwoo. Jiwoo deserved this after all that they’d been through. After all, there was nothing to be afraid of- no, it was something that was meant to be celebrated.

               Hyejoo grew impatient with Sooyoung’s silence, raising an eyebrow in her direction. “What is it?”

               Sooyoung breathed in.

“I think...I’m straight.” She began slowly, “But I’ve been seeing this girl, since junior year, and I really like her and-”

“Since high school? Junior year?” Hyejoo gasped with wide eyes, unbelievingly, “Well it sure as hell doesn’t sound like you’re straight.”

               Sooyoung chuckled. The cheeks stopped burning a little. The anxiety began to sizzle out. “I guess not.”

               “Wait, that’s great!” Hyejoo exclaimed. “You’re only telling me now?”

               Sooyoung glared at her. “You’re the first person I’ve told!”

               “What?” Hyejoo burst into uncontrollable laughter and Sooyoung couldn’t help but break into a laugh along with her. Hyejoo teased, “Aw, well aren’t I lucky, so are you going to tell me how you guys met?”

              Sooyoung smiled before getting ready to spill her story.

              It was as easy as that- a message that could be conveyed in just a few short phrases, that didn’t incite anything worthy of Sooyoung’s anxiety. There was no judgement, no disgusted expression or inappropriate questions. It was that easy. It was normal.

It was normal.

518

The cheering of the crowd, the pounding of the music and Sooyoung shining with her dance crew on stage- all characteristics of a memorable performance. Except, it wasn’t live. It was a video on Sooyoung’s small phone screen, shot by her classmate in the crowd.

Jiwoo hadn’t been able to make it to Sooyoung’s first university performance, so instead, the two huddled around the small screen at Jiwoo’s kitchen table.

“Who’s that?” Jiwoo pointed at a blonde, flaunting her big eyes and sharp jawline beside Sooyoung in the video.

“Jinsoul.”

“The one you hang out a lot with, right?” Jiwoo’s expression was impossible to read.

Sooyoung frowned, “Well, mostly to study, because we’re in the same program.”

Jiwoo furrowed her eyebrows ever so slightly, “What about the girl you always talk about?”

“Who?”

“You always say she’s pretty and a good dancer.”

“Ah, she's this one,” Sooyoung pointed towards the owner of the description on the small screen, “Jungeunie.”

“Jungeun...ie?”

Sooyoung nodded, “Yeah, that’s her.”

The performance hadn't even finished when Jiwoo double-tapped to pause the video. She set down the phone and got up from the kitchen table, chair creaking against the floor in the process, “I’m gonna make dinner.”

“Come on Jiwoo,” Sooyoung protested, tugging her sweater sleeve, “You didn’t even come to see it live.”

“I couldn’t, Sooyoung-ah, I had a review session. I’ll come to the next one- promise.”

Jiwoo tried to move away from the table but Sooyoung's grip was firm. “The next one’s not for months,” she whined, “Why don’t you come to our next practice? You can meet some of them.”

“Wouldn’t that be kinda awkward?”

Sooyoung was taken aback. Her voice that was firm from their dispute softened as she said, “Hey, some of them know that you’re my girlfriend.”

That made Jiwoo stop in her tracks. She looked back towards Sooyoung and her lips, from a state of neutrality, began to curl into a smile. “Really?”

Sooyoung nodded. “Mhm”

Jiwoo stepped closer and laid a hand on Sooyoung’s face, cupping her cheek ever so slightly. Her touch was soft and so was her gaze. From Sooyoung’s denial in high school to now, willingly revealing their relationship, they both knew how far they’d come. Sooyoung smiled back, and Jiwoo’s touch on her cheek felt like it was lighting up her heart with a warmth that was long overdue. Jiwoo felt it too, and leaned in to give her a quick peck. After pulling away, Jiwoo's smile was genuine and real, just the way Sooyoung liked it. “Maybe I'll consider.”

530

              Late-nights spent in the studio and assignments piling up one after another- the routine never slowed down. The weather grew chilly and with such inconvenient travel in the snow, it was just easier to stick with the crew after practice, and hit the books in a nearby study room. So, with another performance and multiple assignments on the roadmap, Sooyoung had been studying with Jungeun again. Her mind was boggling from homework. She swore that math classes were a breeze in high school, but come university, it was a different story. Yet, Sooyoung wasn’t one to pull all nighters, so when snow started to fall from the darkening sky, she decided it was time to head home.

              Parting ways with Jungeun, she hopped on the next bus in the direction of her neighborhood. The bus would take longer than usual to get home, a result of ice-glazed roads and falling snow. As her fingers began to warm up in the heat of the bus, it suddenly came to Sooyoung’s attention that she hadn't checked her phone for a long time. She was so absorbed in her assignment that she had missed a number of messages- most importantly, ones from Jiwoo.

              jiwoo<333: ha sooyoung

where r u?

are you studying?

ha

soo

young

dont tell me ur out with jungeun or someone

:(

Shit.

Luckly, the next stop was the one closest to Jiwoo's, and Sooyoung scurried to get off before the doors closed on her. Outside, the snow was beating down like mini ice pellets, but she ignored the frostbite and pulled out her phone. Sooyoung dialed, and the line rang a couple times until Jiwoo’s familiar voice answered.

“Sooyoung?”

Sooyoung started walking. “You’re home, right?”

“Yeah? Why?”

Sooyoung picked up her pace, avoiding the patches of ice on the sidewalk where she could. Under the streetlights, her breath revealed itself in a puff of air as she said, “Come get the door.”

“What?” Jiwoo exclaimed over the phone, “Why are you here?”

She was making her way around the corner and onto Jiwoo’s block. “Because I didn’t see you all day.”

Jiwoo sighed but Sooyoung could hear her smile over the phone as she said, “Ha Sooyoung…you stupid idiot.”

Despite the fact that her fingers were freezing over, Sooyoung laughed, “What? Why?”

Over the line, Jiwoo’s voice was all fluff, “You’re at least going to stay the night, right?”

540

              Even in the winter, there was heat. It wasn’t only because Jiwoo liked to bust up the thermometer to make the room toasty warm. It was because of the winter nights they spent together in Jiwoo’s room, on Jiwoo’s bed, and against each other’s skin- French kisses under the covers and oversized sweaters that were easy to get inside of. As long as Sooyoung was with Jiwoo, she had a source of warmth and a welcoming pair of arms to return to.

But, maybe that was the problem.

Only as long as Sooyoung was with Jiwoo.

Midterms of the winter term rolled around and swept the two up in what felt like a repeat of their stalemate in the fall. Perhaps it started with Jiwoo forgetting to check up on Sooyoung after a day of not talking, or maybe it could be attributed to Sooyoung spending too much time with Jungeun, or Hyejoo, or Jinsoul. Whatever the case, gradually, slowly, the same situation was repeating itself, and neither of them confronted it. Sooyoung was too caught up in her dancing and Jiwoo was too busy working part-time and on top of that, both of them were full-time students.

How could they be full-time lovers too?

543

              kimji<3: im gonna sleep now

hasoo<3: goodnight baby

  love u

              kimji<3: goodnight!

627

“Sooyoungie, I want to talk to you about something.”

Deja Vu?

Sooyoung hadn’t even stepped through the front door yet, but she knew that something was off. Perhaps it was just a hunch that she got from Jiwoo’s body language or the tone of her voice, but even with the bare minimum, Sooyoung knew her girlfriend too well.

Something was definitely off, and it was bad.

Sooyoung stepped inside Jiwoo’s door, stomping off the snow that was caked to her boots. Jiwoo only gave her the time to slip off her jacket and remove her shoes before leading Sooyoung to the couch in the living room. They sat face-to-face from each other, an awkward position since the couch was usually a spot for cuddles and tangled limbs under fluffy blankets.

Sooyoung knew what was coming.

This time, there were no tears and no shaky breaths as Jiwoo murmured, “I don’t know, these days I keep feeling that we’re better off just being really, really good friends.”

Sooyoung didn’t reply. No- she wasn’t angry or upset, or even shocked. Somehow, she had seen it coming. Inside her head, Sooyoung couldn’t help but scoff at Jiwoo’s choice of words, but in reality, she kept her voice steady, “Really, really, good friends?”

Jiwoo nodded slowly. “Yeah…”

“Not just good friends,” Sooyoung continued, voice calm but firm, “But really, really good friends?”

“Yeah…”

Sooyoung began to frown, “That kiss and make out? And shower together, and at night-”

“Well...we wouldn’t do that anymore.”

Flashbacks of the first conversation they had flooded back into Sooyoung’s head. Jiwoo’s confusion, her pain, her tears at the thought of losing Sooyoung- she’d changed since then.

Didn’t you say you wouldn’t do this again?

Yet, it was the exact same conversation as before, without the pouring emotions and heartbreak. Instead, the air between them was stale, like they’d already done this too many times and had gotten tired of it. Jiwoo’s emotions that were once hot to the touch when prodded by this topic had become lukewarm. No tears, no embrace, and neither dared to look at the other. Sooyoung wished that a touch, a hug, a kiss could revert the situation, bring Jiwoo back to a time when she knew exactly what Sooyoung meant to her. But no, Jiwoo was unreachable.

Moments in silence passed before Sooyoung asked quietly, “But why?”

With a burst of courage, Sooyoung’s eyes flickered up to see that Jiwoo was still staring downwards. She couldn’t even meet Sooyoung’s eyes. Jiwoo murmured, “I just thought…maybe it would be better that way.”

“What? What would be better?” Sooyoung shot back, bringing out a fierceness in her voice, “What needs to be better?”

“But I still want you in my life Sooyoung,” Jiwoo protested, “Please. I really care about you.”

Sooyoung was speechless.

What could possibly be better than what we like before?

Jiwoo continued, “We’d still be really good friends…”

Any fight left in Sooyoung was stolen away by Jiwoo’s words. It didn’t make any sense. Sooyoung’s friends knew all about their relationship, just like how Jiwoo wanted. Although they weren’t the same as those two lovebirds in high school, they messaged each other every day and made frequent plans together. Yet, another alias for a breakup was what this was.

“Okay.” Sooyoung gave out with a huff of her breath. She’d done her best. “If that’s what you want.”

For the first time, Sooyoung wasn’t sent home with a loving kiss or tight hug. It was painfully obvious. Even worse, tomorrow was Valentine’s Day- a day that they had already planned to spend together. On her way home, snow crunching under her boots, Sooyoung’s mind was blank except for one thought.

What did I do wrong?

628

It was Valentine’s Day. Probably one of the worst days for a post-pseudo-breakup. Couples roamed the campus and that was the only thing that Sooyoung could see- other people walking side by side, holding hands, and giving loving looks just like she’d once done with Jiwoo. But after yesterday, they wouldn’t be doing that anymore. The thought of it was a striking blow to Sooyoung’s chest every time it came to mind. Perhaps yesterday, the reality hadn’t sunk in yet, but today, on the day of romance, it was more glaring than ever.

So, Sooyoung searched for warmth in a small study cubicle in the campus library. After some unsuccessful glancing-over-notes-but-not-retaining-any-of-it, it was clear that she wouldn’t be doing anything productive today. In defeat, she pulled out her phone.

Sooyoung and Jiwoo’s conversation activity had been sparse since yesterday’s events, and Sooyoung had told herself no matter what happened to Not. Message. Jiwoo. They both needed time off if Jiwoo’s terms were to hold true. And if Jiwoo was serious about what she’d said, she wouldn’t be messaging Sooyoung either.

But the last message, sent just a few minutes ago, wasn’t one that she expected to see.

kimji: are you still coming over today?

Damn it, Jiwoo.

Before the ‘just friends’ talk had taken them off-course, Sooyoung had planned to stay over at Jiwoo’s on Valentine’s Day. Because, it was Valentine’s Day. But after what happened yesterday, their plans were ambiguous and nobody wanted to bring it up first.

Sooyoung took her shot.

hasoo: do you still want me to come over?

kimji: it’s

            your choice

By now, it was clear that being just friends with Jiwoo was not sitting well with Sooyoung, and she could only hope that Jiwoo felt the same way. Judging by her reply, didn’t Jiwoo realize that yesterday was a mistake? Maybe this was it- this was Sooyoung’s chance to make things right again.

Snow tumbled gracefully from the sky as Sooyoung trudged through the muddled sidewalk to Jiwoo’s house. She’d made a stop by the plaza to pick up a simple box of chocolates, keeping it safe from the weather in her backpack. Just one day after their ‘just friends’ talk, Sooyoung hadn’t expected to back at Jiwoo’s front door so soon. When she hit the doorbell, Jiwoo swung open the door almost instantly.

Yesterday’s events flashed back in Sooyoung’s head in a traumatic fashion, but this time, Jiwoo didn’t say a thing as Sooyoung stepped inside. After taking off her soaked jacket and boots, Sooyoung zipped open her backpack.

“I got you something.”

              “Oh?” Jiwoo eyes slightly widened as Sooyoung pulled out the small box. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but just the act of buying it was enough.

Jiwoo’s lips slowly curled into a smile, “Chocolates?”

Sooyoung handed the box to her and replied with a flat voice. “It’s Valentine’s Day.”

“Ah.” Jiwoo stammered, taking it in her hands, “Thanks.”

Making her towards her bedroom, Jiwoo looked back towards Sooyoung, who was lagging behind her, “Let’s eat it together.” Jiwoo said.

In Jiwoo’s room, Sooyoung flopped onto the bed like she’d done numerous times before. That certainly hadn’t changed, right? But unlike the days gone by, when Jiwoo would snuggle up beside Sooyoung, she stood at the side of the mattress, eyeing her silently. Sooyoung, without minding a thing, took out her phone to see if anything was new on social media. But she didn’t get to scroll through much, because Jiwoo slid her way onto the mattress, throwing her body right on top of Sooyoung’s.

Sooyoung groaned as Jiwoo’s weight almost knocked the wind out of her.

“Sooyoungie…” Jiwoo murmured, digging her head under Sooyoung’s neck and wrapping her arms around her, “is it too late to take back what I said yesterday?”

“What do you mean?” Sooyoung huffed, finding it hard to take in a full lung’s worth of air under Jiwoo’s body.

“All of last night, and today,” Jiwoo began, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“And?”

“I want to take it back.”

Sooyoung was waiting for this all day. She had been imagining this exact scenario over and over- one where Jiwoo tearfully asks for a rewind, to which Sooyoung would lovingly respond. But now that it was real, why was she hesitating? Jiwoo was practically begging for forgiveness.

In that moment of silence, Sooyoung realized that she was missing one thing- a genuine confession. How much longer were they going to play this game? Sooyoung was getting tired of backs and forths.

Jiwoo’s body was still crushing down on her as Sooyoung replied back in an emotionless tone, tired out from all their ups and downs, “Are you sure?”

“I’m sorry, Sooyoung. I’m really sorry.” Jiwoo’s voice was a plea. She propped herself up on her elbows, bringing her eyes to meet Sooyoung’s. “Right now, I still really like you. I mean it.”

Face-to-face, Sooyoung could now see the sparkle of moisture in Jiwoo’s eyes, twinkling with a flash of desperation. Her attention started to shift to Jiwoo’s lips, which were slightly quivering, and just inches away now.

Sooyoung gave in again.

She wrapped a hand around Jiwoo’s neck and pulled her in to erase the small space between them. Jiwoo’s were as soft as Sooyoung remembered, only days before.

After she pulled back, Jiwoo threw her arms around Sooyoung, crushing her with her weight again.

Sooyoung groaned until Jiwoo let go, and exclaimed, “Who’s the stupid one now? Are you going to keep on overthinking?”

“I’m sorry, I love you, Sooyoungie, I really do.”

Sooyoung let out a sigh but smiled anyway at Jiwoo’s excitement. “I love you too.”

They were terrible at breaking up.

681

They were like a precious glass sculpture that fell again and again from its display case. Luckily, the glass would end up mostly unscathed, with just a small piece breaking off each time. Although the damage wasn’t severe and could be repaired quickly, nobody knew if the glass would shatter completely the next time it fell.

But at the least, in blossoming season of spring, the glass didn’t slip from its spot any longer. Even with its cuts and bruises, and patchwork that seemed dangerously fragile, it was able to keep itself in place.

700

The days grew warmer and the nights grew shorter. Students went on their annual summer break, and for Sooyoung, she was lucky enough to find an engineering internship in Seoul. She was ecstatic about the job, but the only downside was that Seoul was an hour and a half drive away from Incheon- and Jiwoo.

Jiwoo didn't seem to mind too much though. They celebrated Sooyoung's internship together, and Jiwoo threw together one of Sooyoung's favourite dishes - kimchi pancakes. Sooyoung promised to Jiwoo that she'd come back every weekend, for her and for friends and family. And on the weekdays, they could video chat just like the times when Jiwoo was in Hong Kong.

But the truth was, Sooyoung was afraid of distance. She was afraid of anything that brought her apart from Jiwoo. Although nothing was an immediate threat to their relationship, the traumas  remained present like stains that refused to be washed away. Sooyoung wished she'd never have to hear the words, ‘just friends’, from Jiwoo ever again.

705

              Seoul wasn’t all that different from Incheon. Buildings were taller and the number of people more than tripled itself, but the most striking difference was of course, the fact that Sooyoung couldn’t just walk to Jiwoo’s house or spontaneously meet her on campus for a quick meal.

              In the bustling district of Gangnam, Sooyoung’s one-bedroom apartment was tucked away in a small building near her workplace. It was cozy and clean, and it left Sooyoung imagining what it would be like if Jiwoo could visit her one day. They’d get some of that delicious fried chicken next door and bring it back to eat before spending the night together on her mattress.

Sooyoung leaned back in the corner of her bedroom, holding her phone landscape mode and tucking in her elbows to get a wide shot of the room. She sent it to Jiwoo with a tap and was glad to see a fast reply.

chuwu: not bad!

            you arrived already?

              Before Sooyoung could pull up the keyboard for a reply, the screen popped into a notification for an upcoming video call from Jiwoo. Sooyoung was quick to answer it.

              “You arrived?” Jiwoo asked. She was chomping on what looked like a bag of honey butter chips.

              “Yeah, I’ll show you around.”

Sooyoung flipped the camera around and gave Jiwoo a mini tour of her living space. They shared smiles while joking about Jiwoo’s unhealthy chip obsession and discussing the Jiwoo’s first possible visit at Sooyoung’s. That would probably be on their second anniversary- next month.

Before hanging up the call, Jiwoo waved goodbye and said, “Have a good first day at work tomorrow!”

Sooyoung smiled back, “Thanks Jiwooming, sleep tight.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

708

Sooyoung did a double take. It had been an entire three hours, but there was still no reply from Jiwoo. Their chat, that was once bustling and lively, was frozen at Sooyoung's most recent message,

soo: have u eaten yet?

Sooyoung tried to brush off her worries and return to the work on her laptop. Surely Jiwoo was busy working at the café, and didn't have any time to check her phone. She had to remember that things were different now that they worked instead of studying, and that they were adults rather than high schoolers. Ten minutes were spent with Sooyoung's poor productivity when she couldn't resist the urge to check her phone any longer. No notifications again. Sooyoung couldn't shake the feeling of disappointment. But what for? Jiwoo's just busy, she tried to remind herself.

Busy, busy. Always busy.

714

soo: what r u doing bb?

chuwu: just eating

soo: lolll eating what?

chuwu: noodles

717

Low wooden benches, the clink of metal chopsticks and lukewarm barley tea, just how Sooyoung liked it. The hipster rice cake restaurant that Sooyoung and Jiwoo regularly visited was the same as ever. So, their date should have entailed the same shared laughter, bad puns, and slightly-too-profound conversations. But, across the table, Jiwoo's eyes that once gazed into Sooyoung's own were now locked to her phone, browsing yet another social media site. Photos of a friend’s new dog, press pictures of an actress’ airport fashion, ads for a discount at the local coffee shop- it was all just endless noise that fought with Sooyoung for Jiwoo’s attention.

And she was losing.

721

Sooyoung knew Jiwoo had matters of her own to attend to and wasn't usually the type to feel anxious at an unread message or late reply. Still, the anxiety inside her mind grew larger every minute she was left unanswered. The timestamp at the bottom of the text remained the same as ever:

Sent 10:43am

Even after a quick trip to the washroom at 11:12am,

Sent 10:43am.

Lunch break at 12:00pm.

Sent 10:43am.

Project meeting at 1:30pm.

Sent 10:43am.

Jiwoo's social media post- something about bubble tea or maybe desserts- anyway, it wasn’t relevant. What was important was that it was posted at 2:27pm. Yet, Sooyoung’s message was left the same on her screen,

Sent 10:43am.

730

              365 days had passed twice now. Somehow, Sooyoung had survived the growing worries inside of her to make it to this moment. Jiwoo was just busy, like she’d thought, but once they were together, it was reminiscent of old times. Like Sooyoung had suggested, she drove Jiwoo to Seoul with her on the weekend of their anniversary. On the road, Jiwoo finished two hamburgers and slept on the way there while Sooyoung hummed along to her summer playlist.

              They hit most things on their to-do list, including the best fried chicken in the area and one of the biggest shopping centers in Seoul. They slept soundly together on Sooyoung’s bed, waking up to morning kisses.

              Unlike last year, they’d agreed to not prepare any extravagant gifts, but Sooyoung insisted on just one thing- a letter. Not just any letter, but one that was genuine. Sooyoung thought back to Jiwoo’s old letters, spanning an entire page and encased in a flowery envelope with cute strawberry stickers as the cherry on top.

              Well, the packaging of Jiwoo’s letter was equally as pretty as she remembered, but Jiwoo protested that Sooyoung didn’t read it in front of her. So, after she dropped off Jiwoo in Incheon and headed back to Seoul, the first thing she did was open the letter on her desk.

Sooyoung, it’s been two years, congrats! Being together for so long, I feel like we’ve changed a lot, been through a lot, but I’m glad that you were by my side this entire time. I’ve learned a lot, about myself and about relationships, and I’m sure you have too. Honestly relationships aren’t easy...I wanted to give up a lot of times myself, but I don’t regret being with you. At the end of the day, I just want to say thank you, and sorry for all the times I was overthinking.

From: Jiwoo

738

There was no movie or TV show playing on Jiwoo's laptop, and no arms wrapped around Sooyoung either. Instead, Jiwoo was simply lying beside her girlfriend, with her eyes glued to her phone. Sooyoung tried to mind her own business by browsing her own apps, but post after post of selfies, food and celebrations didn't cut it for her. She couldn't help but glance over towards Jiwoo. Her phone was opened on a conversation history.

"Who are you talking to?" Sooyoung asked calmly out of curiosity.

"Oh, someone you don't know."

739

              soo: wanna go on a walk?

              chuwu: it’s kinda late tho

              soo: do u wanna get fried chicken for lunch?

              chuwu: im on a shift during lunch

              soo: seoul is kinda lonely sometimes

              chuwu: aw :’(

Even when they were together, Sooyoung felt more distance than ever. Too many things were piling up- missed video calls, shortened responses and people that Jiwoo talked with even more than Sooyoung herself. If Jiwoo had enough time to post a status update, why couldn’t she drop Sooyoung a text? Why did she leave Sooyoung on seen? Why was it always Sooyoung to send the first message? To say I love you, and to say I miss you, and to ask Jiwoo about her day?

Sooyoung didn’t want to draw conclusions because she was afraid to. She was afraid of what it meant. But she knew she had to confront Jiwoo about it, because it was eating away at her from the inside. It was growing like a parasite inside Sooyoung’s head, until every free moment of her day was spent staring at their once lively conversation history on her phone, wondering.

What are you doing, Jiwoo?

Why don’t you text me?

Why don’t you tell me how much you love me like before?

746

“Why don’t you ever text me?” Sooyoung exclaimed. Even in the chill of Jiwoo’s air-conditioned room, the tension brought the temperature to an all-time high. “Or tell me how much you love me like before?”

“When you say things like that, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough.” Jiwoo looked to the ground, unable to meet Sooyoung’s teary eyes. “You always make it sound like I'm at fault.” Sooyoung took a deep breath, ready for a rebuttal, but Jiwoo continued, “Because you're perfect, and everything is because of me? Why do you always have to complain?"

Sooyoung’s voice was shaky when the words finally came out. "Because you're not the same person you were before."

Jiwoo groaned, "Why do you always have to compare with the past? We've both changed, Sooyoung."

“I don’t know why I feel this way either.” Sooyoung replied, flustered, “Maybe because when we broke up before, it felt like this too. I just don’t want to break up again, but we feel so insecure right now.”

Jiwoo sighed, “Aren’t we responsible for our own sense of security?”

There were too many things that Sooyoung wanted to say.

How can I feel secure when you when you don’t say “I love you” anymore, and don’t even ask me how my day was? When you post on social media instead of replying to my messages, and when you’re always texting someone else right beside me?

“Okay. I’m sorry.” Was what Sooyoung said instead.

Jiwoo paused. “I’m sorry, too.” She said softly in response. “Can we not talk about this anymore?”

Sooyoung nodded, hands swiping to clear away her running tears. “Okay. I’ll try to be better, I just wanted to let you know how I felt.”

There was a moment of silence, and then Jiwoo put a hand on top of Sooyoung’s. “I’ll try to be better too.”

747

For Sooyoung, it didn’t get better.

It was one online argument after another, until Sooyoung had had enough. She dialed Jiwoo’s number, and the phone rang a few times before Jiwoo picked up.

"Where are you?" Sooyoung asked. It sounded like there was noise over the call.

"I can't talk,” Jiwoo replied, “I'm out at a staff outing."

Sooyoung’s headache was killing her. "Can we please talk about this right now?"

"Let's talk tomorrow."

"Jiwoo, why can't you just tell me how you feel about me?" Sooyoung exclaimed.

There was only noise over the call, and every second that trickled away was another pin in Sooyoung’s chest. Finally, Jiwoo replied, "Let's talk tomorrow."

Sooyoung could swear she heard her heart breaking.

She cried out, "Why can't you just say that you love me?"

"Okay, I love you."

Sooyoung imagined herself whipping her phone across the room, hearing the smash as the screen shattered and the satisfaction of seeing it lie broken on the floor in a thousand pieces. Instead, she gripped it tightly and replied,

"Goodnight."

748

"Sometimes, I really can't understand you, Sooyoung." Jiwoo’s voice was rising over the line.

Clutching her phone, Sooyoung took in a sharp breath, "I hate it when you say that.”

Before, they didn’t need words to explain things. They understood each other like they shared one body. They felt the emotions together without even needing to say anything.

“But it’s true.” Jiwoo protested. "I know I said I’ll try to be better, for us, but I can't, Sooyoung."

Trying to get to a compromise over the phone was even harder than in person. Jiwoo went silent, and so did Sooyoung. The truth was, Sooyoung was tired. Tired of all their arguments that went for hours at a time, her failed attempts at easing out some form of affection from Jiwoo, and the feeling of neutrality.

"Then let's meet, right now. And do it in person."

Sooyoung drove at a reckless pace. She was lucky that they had chosen to have this conversation early in the morning, when not many cars were on the road.

The view in front of Jiwoo's house was all too familiar. There were endless greetings made behind that typical white door, affirmations told to each other beyond those red brick walls and countless promises packed inside that small room on the second floor. As Sooyoung stared into the empty window blinds, she felt that something seemed different about it today.

Sooyoung didn’t even need to ring the door as Jiwoo stepped out in a lazy jean jacket and sandals. There were no words between them as Jiwoo led the way around the familiar paths of her neighborhood. They were the steps that they had travelled together, hand in hand- memories too fond to be reminisced during a time like this. They walked in silence, side by side, but neither daring to look at the other.

It was their last walk.

A couple blocks later, Sooyoung couldn’t hold it in anymore. She mustered up the last of her courage, voice quivering as she managed to say, "Thanks for two years."

Jiwoo’s voice was quiet and low in response, "You too."

               They trudged ahead again in silence until this time, Jiwoo broke it.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Sooyoung could barely utter the words.

"Hurting you again."

Sooyoung took a deep breath. "We're both going to be hurt, aren't we?"

               The walk was longer than Sooyoung had remembered as they finally got back to the front of Jiwoo’s house. Sooyoung knew what was coming, but she felt the first tears fall from her eyes as she pulled Jiwoo in for one last hug, and Jiwoo hugged back.

Jiwoo, who used to get teary eyed at the thought of leaving Sooyoung for vacation.

Jiwoo, who used to tell Sooyoung about how they should just secretly get married.

Jiwoo, who used to grow jealous at the thought of Sooyoung dancing for other people.

But now, she was Jiwoo, who no longer cried when Sooyoung did.

Jiwoo, who when they fought, didn't wipe Sooyoung's tears as they fell.

But, as Sooyoung and Jiwoo shared one last hug, she was someone who had once loved Sooyoung with all her heart. And so, in each other’s embrace, Sooyoung could tell that Jiwoo’s tears were falling just like hers. It seemed like time had stopped for them, as two years of the present became nothing but a moment of the past.

When they finally pulled away, Sooyoung couldn’t bear to watch as Jiwoo made her way back inside. The ground seemed to be spinning as she got to her car and sat blankly in the driver’s seat, tears streaming down her cheeks. Sooyoung had to go somewhere, anywhere, so she drove aimlessly, finally finding a dead-end overflowing with trees and shrubs.

Sooyoung simply cried. She cried and cried and her breathing became ragged and uncontrollable until finally, there was truly nothing left to cry out anymore.

It seemed unfair that the sun was shining so brightly that day.

-

Even the heat waves, drifting in from the south and cascading over the streets of Seoul, couldn’t carry away Sooyoung's thoughts of Jiwoo. She tried smiling to her coworkers and immersing into her choreography, in hopes that no one would hear the remains of her heart trying to hold itself together, but it was too hard. Everything was merely a distraction.

Jiwoo.

Always Jiwoo.

That was the pair of running shoes Jiwoo whined at Sooyoung to buy, but she didn’t because she'd already indulged too much on shopping that day. That was the potato chip snack that Jiwoo loved to eat as they cuddled while watching dramas. That was the indie song that Jiwoo sung at karaoke in Incheon while Sooyoung admired her from the sofa.

During that first week, Sooyoung dragged herself home, and wept on her empty bed, underneath the gentle rays of sunshine that seemingly mocked her with their brightness. When the tears dried, Sooyoung’s phone became her obsession. But social media didn’t give her any of the answers she wanted- what Jiwoo was doing, if she was thinking of her too, and maybe if she was regretting her decisions, just like before. Instead, Jiwoo’s account had become a blank canvas. Any traces of the past, whether they involved Sooyoung or not, were gone completely.

Sooyoung realized it before the tears started forming again. There truly was no going back. They had broken up for good this time.

Third time’s the charm. She thought bitterly, scoffing at her own dry humour. Without hesitation, Sooyoung deleted all of Jiwoo’s accounts- unfollowing, unfriending, unliking. At the end of it, another warm teardrop rolled down her cheek.

-

It began with a spark, during a summer much like this one. It grew and grew until it became a blaze too strong to ignore. But somewhere along the way, it was left unattended until it burnt out. And then, it ended in a coldness that wasn’t the least bit deserving of the summer weather.

-

              It was bound to happen, and it happened when Sooyoung was alone, of all times. She had planned to meet her crew on campus- to catch up with familiar faces and to see what choreography they’d conjured up during the semester that she was away. She took a path through the plaza, the same one that housed Jiwoo’s family café, and rounded a corner.

              Sooyoung’s heart sank when she saw Jiwoo in front of her, walking in her direction with a group of friends. The moment flashed by and so did a flicker of eye contact between the two.

              Sooyoung walked faster to hide the fact that her hands were shaking.

              She wanted to turn around and take another look.

              She wanted to run back and follow her.

              But she just kept walking.

              The rest of her day was occupied by thoughts of Jiwoo- the fact that she was wearing the same sweater that Sooyoung had undressed her from before, and the fact that she looked so…okay.

              Even while chatting and laughing with her dance crew friends, Sooyoung felt hollow. The same person who was once able to take her to such an ecstatic high was the one to bring her to such a crushing low. The lowest she had felt in her entire life. The best she could do was to keep dancing, keep talking and most importantly- to keep living.

-

At least there was only one way to go from rock bottom.

Sooyoung told her story to everyone who would listen. Hyejoo, Heejin, Hyunjin, Jinsoul, Jungeun- everyone close to her. She told every detail like a grand tale, from how it started to how it ended. It no longer mattered to her whether others thought she was straight, bi, lesbian, queer- whatever. No matter what she was, she was herself, and this was her story. She finally realized that there was nothing to worry about this whole time. Instead, Sooyoung was met with similar stories of heartbreak and of sexuality, and of people they had once loved, but no longer.

A few dozen trials later, Sooyoung didn't cry when telling her story anymore.

The tears dried up and Sooyoung poured her heart into her academics, choreography and social life instead. She was brighter than before and respected not only as a leader of the dance crew, but also as a friend. She was loved by all kinds of new people- perhaps not someone like Jiwoo, but that was okay, because Jiwoo wasn’t her other half. Sooyoung didn’t need another half. She was already whole by herself.

-

It was a day in autumn, about four months after the end of Sooyoung’s story, when the leaves were withering, and the wind snapped at her long jacket. Sooyoung’s internship had ended successfully and she was back on the Incheon University campus. On her way to class, Sooyoung happened to be passing by Jiwoo’s family café. Without thinking, her gaze pierced through the windows and landed on a familiar brown-haired girl at the cashier, with curled bangs and a bright smile.

For the first time, Sooyoung simply felt nothing at all. She didn’t stop in her tracks, or feel her heartbeat rising, or feel the urge to walk inside the café. Her heart remained in the exact same state it was before, steadily beating on.

-

              Sooyoung couldn’t remember what initiated her sudden interest in enamel pin collecting, but the latest addition to her set was one of her favourites. It was a simple round pin, divided into three colours of red, magenta and blue. It was there on her backpack, amongst the mosaic of other colourful pins. Perhaps somebody who wasn’t familiar with the LGBT community wouldn’t think anything of it, but someone who knew, would know.

And Sooyoung was okay with that.

She wasn’t the same person in high school who denied her feelings. She was someone who attended pride events and made herself known in the community. She was someone who wasn’t afraid of what other people thought. No, she was brave. She was strong.

-

“So, are there any guys you’re interested in here?”

Sooyoung gave the newcomer one glance, up and down. He leaned against the bar counter with a greasy smirk, white button up shirt and business shoes. Suddenly Sooyoung wished that she hadn’t chosen to sit here.

Sooyoung looked directly at him. “No,” She replied bluntly. The man seemed to be opening his mouth, probably spit out a bad pick-up line, but Sooyoung continued before he could start it, “But, I have had my eyes on this one girl.”

The man shut his mouth and gave an embarrassed smile along with a sheepish chuckle. It seemed like Sooyoung’s man-repellent phrase was effective, as he quickly stood up from the seat to find another woman to talk to.

Sooyoung celebrated the small victory in her head when she heard a familiar voice behind her. “Wait, really?”

Hyejoo eavesdropping again. Although Sooyoung was glad that her friend watched out for her when they had nights out at the bar.

Sooyoung shook her head with a smile, “Nah, it’s just a scheme to get those men out of my face.”

Hyejoo burst into laughter and gave her friend a slap on the back. “Look at you- a confident gay.”

-

"Jinsoul-ah, they really aren't lying when they say love is a choice. When that fluttery feeling is gone, it's up to you to choose whether to keep putting effort in your relationship or not.” Sooyoung paused to take a sip from her soju-mixed drink, sweet but bitter flavours weaving down her throat. “And I guess she chose not to.”

Jinsoul looked like she wanted to reply but couldn’t lift her head from the table, probably due to one too many shots of soju. The night was winding down and even the bar that was usually jam-packed was starting to clear out, leaving the two as the only ones in an ocean of empty tables. Sooyoung simply took her friend’s reaction as a sign to continue. “It's hard. People change. Feelings change, and you can't stop that no matter how hard you try. Sometimes they can't even stop it even if they want to.”

The alcohol unleashed any conscious control Sooyoung had over her thoughts, and now, they were all pouring out at once. “Well, it was good while it lasted. How should I put it? It was a kind of love that broke through the barriers of gender. It was pure, and real, I know that much. So I’m glad that it happened, and I don’t regret anything."

"Damn." Jinsoul raised her head from the table with watery eyes, and reached past the empty glasses of soju for a napkin on the table. Sooyoung was surprised her friend was even listening to a word she said.

Sooyoung couldn’t help but laugh at the sight. "Are you crying?"

Jinsoul dabbed at her tears before they could fall and replied, "It's so heartbreaking, isn't it?"

Sooyoung sighed, reaching for the last half-empty bottle of soju, "Please, it's a typical story"

"Nooo, it's not!” Jinsoul snapped back, words slurring as they tumbled out sloppily. “If you published your life story, I'd read it, for sureeee."

Sooyoung toyed with the idea of being a writer in her mind for a bit, but snapped out of it after recalling her cringey elementary school English projects. She tapped a finger against Jinsoul’s empty shot glass, and smirked, "You're just saying that because you're drunk"

Despite all the alcohol in her system, Jinsoul’s eyes flickered open to meet Sooyoung’s. She shook her head, "No, I mean it, I really do."

Sooyoung scoffed, and refilled Jinsoul’s empty shot glass with the last bit of soju. After the two emptied out their cups and shared some more laughs, they sobered up enough to say their goodbyes and headed back home.

Sooyoung entered her room, closing the door as slowly as possible to prevent the creaking from waking up any of her roommates. She carefully laid down her bag and surprisingly, her feet carried her in front of her desk in the dimness, laptop waiting in front of her. It was some hour in the dead of night, unheard of for impromptu story writing, but Sooyoung sat in her chair and lifted her fingers above the keyboard nonetheless.

Maybe Jinsoul was right. Maybe the alcohol brought out a stroke of genius inside of her. Maybe her story was really meant to be told- to touch people’s hearts and to teach the same lessons that she had she learnt. It wasn’t a typical story at all. In fact, it could only be explained as a one-of-a-kind encounter, a simple joy in the moment and a miracle when looked back upon. It was an experience that taught her how to love, how people change, and how to let go. Finally, now that all the pain had subsided, it was something that she wanted to remember.

So even at that unruly hour of night, she didn’t sleep. Instead, her hands were prepped atop of the letters on her keyboard- a tale waiting to be written. After some contemplation, she wrote,

There was nothing extraordinary about the way they met.|