Chapter Text
[“Not real or genuine.”]
I can't even think what it was like before, tell me, I want to know how you've been.
Sunday
Wakefulness came too soon, it always did. He sat bolt upright, eyes widening in fear as he saw sunlight streaming in through the window. Careful not to wake the sleeping body beside him, he scrambled for his phone.
5:45am.
“Fuck.” He hissed, burying his face in his hands. Here he was, thinking he was going to be late, and he had woken up a good half hour before his alarm. He turned to the sleeping body next to him, getting ready to curl up next to the warmth, when the conversation from the previous night suddenly flooded his mind.
‘How was your week? I feel like I haven’t seen you at all.’ He smiled sleepily at his lover, trying to sound sweet, peaceful. He tried to ignore the dagger that pierced his heart as he thought of how he had felt so lonely, day after day and night after night.
‘Mm. Was fine.’ Fuck, was he even listening? Did he even care?
‘Yeah, but what did you get up to?’ The urge to bite back left an acrid taste in his mouth, words clawing at his throat, desperate to be released.
‘Just assignments, and work. The usual.’ Still so nonchalant. Silence resumed.
‘Next week we have a week off, remember? What are your plans?’
‘I’m busy on the weekend. Assignments, meeting up with a friend. I’m busy on Monday.’ That was fine. They had the rest of the week to work with, to try and save this failing relationship.
‘And then? We could do something later in the week.’ There was a pause.
‘I’m going on holiday with my family.’ The dagger cleaved his heart in two.
‘O-oh. You hadn’t told me.’ His voice was as sweet as honey, his brown eyes warm, his dimples showing despite his eyes burning with tears.
‘I forgot.’ There was irritation in his lover’s tone now, the unspoken ‘stop asking questions’ ringing in his ears. He was so glad it was dark, as his tears began to spill over. He hadn’t seen his boyfriend for more than an hour at a time in weeks. He had been so excited for the break from uni, to see his boyfriend, for them to go on a date, to hang out, something…he wanted to scream. It was so frustrating! He just wanted to feel like they were actually dating, like he mattered. He wanted to start a fight, be petty like he had in the past. But he swallowed his pride, forcing a smile into his voice.
‘That works well, actually. I had plans myself.’ What a lie. They both knew that Chan kept his schedule open in case there was a chance they could hang out. ‘Maybe we should plan something for Christmas.’
‘Just go to sleep.’ Chan nodded, fighting down the acrimonious burn in his chest. He fought back a sob as his boyfriend turned away from him instead of reaching out his arms. Chan wanted to run, just get up and leave. But his fear of the unknown held him back.
‘Goodnight.’ He was met with silence, cold and poignant.
Chan bit down on his tongue until it hurt. His boyfriend had just been tired, probably too tired to continue a conversation, that was all. Their relationship had started heading south about six months back. Chan had since realised that he wasn’t the only at fault for the decline in their romance – he had become petty and bitter, instead of looking for answers he would turn his back and sulk. After finally admitting to himself that he needed to step the fuck up – one of them had to, if the relationship was to last – he had started trying to practice a new mantra. Just let it go. Instead of sulking, he would smile sweetly and murmur ‘okay, honey’. Instead of lashing out when he was upset, he would meditate, exercise, or play guitar, so he would stop taking out his own problems on his partner.
In all honesty, he was quite proud of himself. He was far more productive. Instead of refusing to fall asleep until his lover came home after work – often in the early hours of the morning – he would curl up with a book and fall asleep early. He kept their once messy room neat and started eating better. Chan hoped that if his boyfriend could see what a strong, positive, and loving person he was becoming, their relationship would exponentially improve.
So far he was wrong. Wrong, and in denial. Chan checked his phone again. ‘Hey, Hamlet. Chill.’ He told himself, rolling his eyes. Any hopes of going back to sleep for a measly fifteen minutes were crushed after his internal monologue. Chan was a swimming instructor. He used to coach high school students but had found a new job teaching younger children to swim. Sometimes he missed coaching – Chan had a loud personality in public, preferring to keep his more genuine, introverted self to a reserved few. Chan ran a hand through his light brown curls, wrinkling his nose in disgust. He needed to grace his poor head with a proper wash at some point.
Chan was just about to roll out of bed when he glanced at his boyfriend. Usually, he would lean over and press a soft kiss to his cheek, but Chan held back, the sting from last night still too fresh. His partner didn’t stir when Chan slipped out of the room, and Chan felt a fresh wave of loneliness wash over him.
If his own boyfriend didn’t care about him, who would?
Chan cracked his neck as he stepped out of his car, admiring the soft wisps of clouds spread about the horizon. It was a surprisingly pleasant morning after the awful humidity of the day before.
“Morning.” A familiar voice, still raspy with sleep, greeted him. Chan turned his head in surprise to find his co-worker, Jisung, blinking at him owlishly. Chan liked Jisung, they usually talked before or after their shift and if there was a slight break in-between classes. However, Chan was usually the one to initiate most of their interactions if they weren’t in the pool.
“Morning!” Chan replied, flashing Jisung a genuinely bright smile. Jisung blinked again, seeming to shake himself out the final remnants of his sleepy daze.
“You sound cheery.” Jisung sounded quietly amused. He was clearly not a morning person.
“It’s a nice morning.”
“Yet we’re headed indoors.” Jisung raised an eyebrow at him, starting his slow journey towards the pool. Chan shrugged and matched pace with him. The two made it inside, Jisung admittedly dragging his feet, quickly greeting their supervisors and manager and trudging into the staff room. Chan cracked a smile at the sight of his younger co-worker, Seungmin, face down on the table seemingly half-asleep.
“Save me.” He whined as Chan and Jisung entered the staff room.
“After yesterday, I think I’ll already be too busy saving Jisung.” Chan laughed, watching as Jisung smirked knowingly. One of the kids in Jisung’s class had decided it would be the perfect afternoon to cry for twenty-odd minutes, leaving Jisung floundering between the half-hysterical child and the rest of his class.
“Yeah, Chan, fancy taking all my classes for me so I can go home?” Chan rolled his eyes.
“You wish.” There was an easy flow to the conversation that Chan appreciated after feeling so forced and awkward around his partner. Jisung leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his bedraggled bed hair. Chan bit back a comment about how it was probably time for Jisung to get a hair cut before he turned into Anakin Skywalker for real, but figured he’d save it for another time. He didn’t want to overstep whatever bounds their acquaintanceship had.
“Please, guys, I’ll die. I’m so tired.” Chan chuckled and patted his shoulder sympathetically.
“Yeah, yeah, give it a year and you’ll be just as used to it as us.” Seungmin had only recently started swimming teaching, while Chan and Jisung both had several years experience.
“Just die quietly, aye?” Jisung tapped his nose and laughed.
Chan was sometimes blown away by how much he loved teaching. He loved seeing the pride on a kids face when they got something right or did a good job. He loved seeing how proud the parents were and their grateful smile as their little ray of sunshine clambered out of the pool. Sometimes he wondered if it was worth getting back into coaching, but sometimes this felt more rewarding to him.
Chan made his way to his next class, poking his tongue out at a toddler who was splashing around on the side. Without really registering why he scanned the room for Jisung. Their eyes met. It felt like their gazes clicked, like a key slotting perfectly into a lock. Jisung’s eyes widened fleetingly before he resumed a neutral expression. Then, Chan stuck out his tongue at him. Jisung grinned, and Chan’s heart suddenly decided to thump.
Chan’s throat went dry. His cheeks burned. Chan shoved it down immediately, thinking guiltily of the man probably still lying peacefully in his bed. His boyfriend. Chan turned to face his excited students, trying desperately to ignore the lingering warmth that remained long after Jisung’s smile had faded from his thoughts.
He caught Jisung looking at him throughout the shift. Granted, that meant he had to have been looking at Jisung, but Chan thoroughly chalked up to his habit of scanning the pool. For Jisung. He shook his head, getting flustered at the trail his thoughts were leading him down. The shift could barely end fast enough. He received his last high five for the day from a beaming four-year-old with the roundest, cutest cheeks he had ever seen, and swam to the other side of the pool.
“How’d your shift go?” Jisung’s voice caused him to stop in his tracks. Chan turned to look at him with a shrug. Then he got a good look at Jisung. The instructor’s uniform was clinging to his body, revealing some definition that Chan had never really taken notice of him before. His shaggy hair was still just as messy as it had been earlier that morning. The sunlight behind him was what really made Chan’s jaw want to drop. It turned Jisung’s unruly hair into a golden halo and outlined his slim frame, illuminating him almost like he was straight out of heaven.
Chan’s heart ached.
He realised he’d been spacing out and inhaled quickly, hoping he hadn’t gone into the depths of his brain and left Jisung standing there awkwardly.
“Good, good, it was good.” He wanted to slap himself. Fuck, he would be too obvious, and then Jisung would either be creeped out or get the wrong idea, and Chan…Chan had a boyfriend. “How about you?” Jisung smiled easily, lazily, not even realising the insane effect he was having on Chan’s blood flow.
“Yeah, pretty chill. Weekends are like that, though.” Jisung hauled himself out of the pool, shaking his hair to rid it of any stray water droplets. Chan glanced around. By some cruel twist of fate, the kids in Seungmin’s last class had all canceled, leaving him free to go home early, leaving Chan and Jisung to pack up and haul the pool covers on.
“Typical Seungmin, running off early.” Chan pouted, and Jisung laughed.
“You’re lucky I didn’t haul ass too, I’m starving. There’s this café down the road and I’ve heard their burgers are really good.” Chan smiled, albeit a little tight-lipped. He’d lost track of the number of times he’d tried and failed in the last few months to get his boyfriend to go out somewhere with him. Eventually, Chan had just given up. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d gone on a date with his boyfriend. Maybe a month ago…no…he racked his brains. Maybe three months ago? “Earth to Chan. You alright?” Jisung’s voice was uncharacteristically soft. Chan glanced over at him and laughed awkwardly.
“Yeah, just thinking about food.” It wasn’t a total lie. “Maybe I’ll race you there, hey?”
“I’d like to see you try.” Jisung then proceeded to give the pool cover a sharp tug, landed Chan flat on his back. Chan shot up, spluttering and blinking rapidly.
“Oi!” But Chan was already laughing.
“Oops, didn’t see you there old man. My bad.” Jisung was practically cackling, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Leave me alone.” Chan pouted, dragging a hand through his now-sopping mop of hair. “You’re lucky I need to wash my hair.”
“Now, now, no need to thank me.” And with that, he hauled himself out of the pool. He seemed to ponder for a moment before turning and poking his tongue out at Chan before heading to the showers.
Chan felt just a little bit dizzy. Maybe he just needed to drink some water.
On the drive home, Chan smiled fondly as he thought of Jisung. Today he felt like they’d really connected. He’d already made a few close friends, Mina and Momo, and he remembered how thrilled he’d been to hang out with them outside of work. He felt like he was succeeding at adulting, finally. But today, with Jisung, it felt…different. Probably also didn’t help that Chan was gay, and Jisung was an objectively speaking only attractive man.
Then Chan felt sick to his stomach. What the fuck was he doing?! He was taken, and there was no way another person would ever encroach on their relationship. Chan felt incredibly guilty, his throat closing up as he thought of his boyfriend’s smile. Chan bit down on his tongue and angrily dragged his hand through his hair. He was furious at himself. The second his relationship went bad, he went weak-kneed around the first pretty boy that smiled at him? How pathetic.
He pulled up into the driveway, anxious to be home. As soon as he parked, he threw himself out his car and hurried up to the small apartment he shared with his partner. Chan flung the door open, looking around anxiously for his boyfriend. He pulled out his phone, gnawing on his lip as he closed the door.
Chan, 12:34pm
Where are you?
Babe
Be out in a sec.
Chan breathed a sigh of relief. He was itching to kiss his boyfriend, to reassure himself of his own feelings. He was desperate to cling onto this love. They’d lasted this long, there seemed no point throwing it away now. Chan threw himself onto the couch, his leg tapping anxiously as he waited. He scrolled through memes on his phone, sent a few messages to the various group chats he was part of, and then went back to oscillating between guilty and anxiety. Finally, he grew desperate.
Chan, 12:46pm
How soon?
Babe
Sorry, forgot.
Chan clicked his tongue. How typical. He heard the door to their study open, and his partner’s head poked out. Chan padded over to him.
“I’m doing an assignment. Can you give me some space?” Chan swallowed the lump in his throat. There was that undercurrent of irritation again, the unspoken you’re so annoying lying dangerously close to the surface, a string of spines underlaying a thin layer of ice. Chan still advanced towards him anyway, remembering to take a big breath. As much as the lack of interest stung, Chan smoothed his expression out and smiled brightly.
“I missed you.” He whispered. He gently leaned up to peck his boyfriend on the lips. Chan loved long, gentle kisses, and soft touches, but his boyfriend had long since established that he wasn’t a fan. Chan leaned back on the balls of his feet, eyes brimming with hope that his kiss would be reciprocated.
“I really need to get this done.”
“Let me know if you need anything, lunch, or a drink, or moral support, or I can –” Chan’s hopes crumbled as his partner turned and shut the door behind him.
That was when he realised it was over.
Tag Team Extreme
Daddy, 1:01pm
I don’t know what to do.
Dancing MOchine
You all good, bud?
Penguimina
Is this about your boyfriend?
Chan couldn’t help but give a smile. Mina, ever observant and empathetic, seemed to pick up on his problems straight away. He wriggled deeper underneath the covers, curling up like a cat around his favourite stuffed animal, a plush dragon named Peaches.
Daddy
I feel like he doesn’t care about me anymore. I came home after work and he pretty much just ignored me straight up for an assignment, fuck me.
I get he’s busy! I get it, I don’t want to hold him back.
Is it unreasonable that he takes 5 minutes to say hi when I get home though?
Dancing MOChine
Sorry Mina please don’t kill me but can we change Chan’s nickname I can’t take it seriously rn
Momo set your nickname to Daddy ):.
Mina set your nickname to Channie.
Momo set your nickname to DADDY CHAN IS SAD.
Mina set your nickname to Chan. And Chan Only.
Momo set your nickname to d a d d y.
Mina removed Momo from the chat.
Mina set your nickname to Channie.
Chan couldn’t help but laugh. He really should have anticipated antics like these when he wanted to whine about his boyfriend. He wondered if he should tell them about last night, but then brushed it off. This was enough for now, he didn’t want to flood them with his problems.
Penguimina
Sometimes I wonder how she even functions.
I’m so sorry Chan. And no, before you go unrealistically justifying it, it is not normal to ignore your significant other that you live with.
Momo has entered the chat.
Momo has set her nickname to Momo Defence Squad
Momo Defence Squad
I made her add me back she’s so MEAN
Also I genuinely am sorry Chan.
Also I want to add that like…this isn’t the first time either.
Maybe a couple times during assignment/exam season, sure, like have you seen Mina lately?
But it’s all the time. You say this all the time.
When was the last time you had something positive to say?
Penguimina
When was the last time you two went on a date?
Channie
Will you kill me if I say I genuinely don’t remember?
Momo Defence Squad
I’m so mad right now
I swear JISUNG would make a better boyfriend
Chan nearly choked on his own spit. He almost hoped they could leave it there. They would joke about Jisung, Momo and Mina would be angry on his behalf, and he could go and sulk until he was ready to get over himself and get back into being productive.
Penguimina
Oh god Momo, don’t say that
Chan, I know you live with your boyfriend and it’s been two years, but you should probably try and talk to him.
Momo Defence Squad
Talk to him about breaking up. You can’t keep doing this, Channie.
Penguimina
She’s right, Chan. I don’t know if you can be happy like this.
But I know the way you think, and I know we don’t know the whole story – what if he’s caught in a rut and he doesn’t know it? He might not understand what he’s doing wrong.
Momo Defence Squad, 1:25pm
Channie?
Penguimina
Just think about it, Chan. Please.
Chan felt his heart beating loud in his ears. He felt sick. He hadn’t even registered that he was crying until he tasted salt in his mouth. He fought to sift through the storm raging inside him. The first emotion that registered was pure guilt. He’d only been thinking of himself. This whole time. He should’ve tried harder to get through to his boyfriend – Chan’s head wasn’t exactly easy to crack open either. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair.
Channie, 1:40pm
I’ll talk to him.
He uncurled himself from his little cocoon and padded out of the room, his heart pounding. He dashed the remainders of the tears from his eyes and tried to slow his breathing. He was still prone to panic in these situations. He hated any possible confrontation in relationships. He could deal with it in his friendships, and at work, because he knew it was all just part of the job. But he was so scared of being alone, of the last few fragile threads he had been clinging onto to finally snap. He softly knocked on the door to the study, trying to steel himself. He could do this. He had to. Even if just to make sure his boyfriend was alright. He let himself in softly, trailing over to his boyfriend and placing a hand on his shoulder. The other man didn’t spare him a glance.
“Chan, I told you, I’m busy.” This time there was a real bite to the words, the man’s irritation flashing across his face.
“I know, I’m sorry.” His voice sounded so meek. He hoped it would be enough of a peace offering. “Can we talk? Then I promise I’ll leave you be?”
“Fine.” Chan had his partner’s full attention, but it made him falter.
“I was just – just wondering…” He bit down on his lip. ‘Come on, Chan. You were so resolved to talk shit earlier, you owe it to him to find out what’s really going.’ “I was wondering if you were okay.” His partner blinked, then raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Look, if this is about me being busy the last few weeks, I really can’t help it.” Chan nodded wordlessly.
“Yeah, I just…I figured I’d check because I haven’t really seen you and you’re getting distant again.”
“Fuck’s sake, Chan! You bring this up every. Single. Time.” Venom punctuated each word, and Chan’s eyes stung with tears that he refused to shed. His boyfriend was right. He was like a broken record. “I’ll do something when I can.” Chan kept his mouth shut, not wanting to retaliate by bringing up that every time they went out was because Chan planned it and did his boyfriend even want to hang out with him at all because it seemed so one-sided and he hated being alone all the time and if they could just please watch a movie together or cuddle sometime and –
And finally, the dam broke.
“Do you even know what this does to me?” Chan’s voice was low, quiet. “Waking up every day, waiting for you to get up, then seeing you for ten minutes before you disappear? Then I leave for work, and you get home at midnight if I’m lucky? I see you maybe twenty minutes in total. I’m not upset when we both have long shifts or we’re at uni, I’m talking about you avoiding me.” Chan’s voice remained steady. He was so angry he was numb.
“I’m not avoiding you.” The response was too fast. “I’m just busy.” Chan felt cold. His fingertips felt like ice.
“Sure.” Chan could have scoffed. “That sounds like bullshit. How come you have enough time to see all of your friends and play games and then somehow only manage to see me ten minutes in a day, if that?” It was a low blow. Chan hated bringing up his partner’s friends and hobbies. “I’ve never stopped you from seeing your friends, I always tell you to go see them, but when I ask you to spend time with me you always have an excuse. Why can’t you make time for your partner?” Chan spat.
“You’re so petty. Why don’t you just leave me alone? Don’t you have anything better to do with your life?” Chan’s boyfriend rose to his feet, leering down at Chan with a snarl. “I’m just not good enough for you, is that it? You always just want more, Chan, you’re way too fucking much.” He shoved Chan back, hard, Chan stumbling back into the wall. “You’re really just pathetic.”
“I think we should take a break.” Chan’s voice was barely more than a whisper.
“Chan, you say that every time you feel like pointing out something you don’t like. How about I point out something about you? You don’t have anything to offer, conversation with you is like watching paint dry. You’re too clingy. You’re indecisive. You’re always whining. Why don’t you just shut up, sit the fuck down, and leave me alone?” Chan gripped the door frame so hard that his knuckles went white. His heart was broken and bleeding on the floor. “Isn’t it enough that I’m still here for you, after all this time?”
“I was doing better.” He choked out. “I haven’t said anything in a while.”
“Yet here you are again. You’ll never change, Chan.”
“Then just break up with me.” Chan whispered. “Just leave.”
“Is that what you really want?” Chan’s eyes were on fire. ‘No, no, no, don’t leave me. Please don’t leave.’ He wanted to scream. “Answer me, Chan. I have no reason to stay unless you want me to stay.”
“Please.” Chan sank to his knees, head in his hands.
“What do you want, Chan?”
“I’ll be better.” He hated the words falling from his mouth. He hated them. He felt so weak, reaching out for a man that already thought he was pathetic.
“Last chance, Chan, or I’m gone.”
“Please don’t go.”
“Get up.” Chan scrambled to his feet, his head swimming, and violent headache thudding behind his eyes. He stumbled forward and grabbed onto his lover’s shirt, sobs finally breaking out of his throat.
And the irony of it all?
“We’ll talk later, Channie.” Was whispered into his ear.
Fuck, why was he so stupid?
Momo Defence Squad, 3:30pm
Channie?
Penguimina
Chan?
He would never be able to leave, would he?