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It's been two days since Regina's sixteen week checkup and the amniocentesis that Dr. Farazell requested in light of the revelation of Regina's previous miscarriage. Regina's been quiet since the procedure, emotionally and physically exhausted as her morning sickness ramps up a notch. Robin is grateful to have been able to take off the day of the procedure and the day after, plus having the weekend with his fiancée to attend to her every need. They've spent a great deal of time in bed, mostly him reading or watching Netflix while she sleeps curled into his side.
"Robin?"
"Yes, love?" he asks softly, pressing a kiss to her hair.
"What time is it?"
He glances at the alarm clock. "A little after four. Are you feeling hungry yet? I can heat up the rest of the soup for you."
"Do we have any more oatmeal?"
He fights the urge to sigh in relief at her question. "I believe we do. Would you like a bowl with a little milk and brown sugar?" When she nods, he smiles and repeats the motion. "All right. You stay here and I'll go make it for you. I'll just be a couple of minutes. Is there anything else I can bring you?"
"Ginger ale?"
"You got it, love."
He gets out of bed carefully, unwilling to disturb her too much, and heads downstairs to the kitchen. The oatmeal is easy enough to make, and he adds a few of the blueberries she's been craving the past week in the hopes that she'll keep them down. He knows Dr. Farazell said there's nothing to worry about, but he can't help himself. Seeing Regina ill and exhausted so much when there's nothing he can do to alleviate it is killing him. A bottle of ginger ale and a handful of the ginger chews that seem to have been helping are added to the tray with the oatmeal, then he's on his way back upstairs.
Opening the bedroom door, Robin finds Regina curled up in the same position as before, but she's murmuring softly as she rubs her stomach. He stands there for a moment, mesmerized by the sight of her soft smile. He could spend the rest of his life watching her smile like that and never get bored. He wants to catalogue all of her smiles and what causes them for future reference. "One bowl of oatmeal with milk and brown sugar," he finally says with a smile as he makes his way to her side. He waits as Regina shifts to sit up before setting the tray across her lap.
"Blueberries?" Her delight is palpable and he chuckles as she reaches for a couple and pops them into her mouth to chew slowly. Her little hum as she swallows makes his heart swell with love. "You have that look again, Robin."
"What look is that, love?"
"The one that says you're absolutely besotted with me."
"Besotted?"
"You've used that word yourself, you know."
He chuckles again and leans in to press a kiss to her temple. "I know I have and I meant it. I just wasn't expecting you to pick it up from me." She hums and leans into his side briefly. "Eat your oatmeal before it gets cold. I also brought you more of those ginger chews for later."
"Thank you, Robin. I'm sure I'll need them, since our sons seem to like keeping my stomach rebelling against most foods still."
"I highly doubt they're doing it on purpose, love."
*****
By the time Regina finishes eating, Robin is surprised she doesn't lick the bowl clean. The look of sleepy satiation on her face is beautiful and he tells her as much.
"You flatter me," she murmurs, curling into his side when he settles next to her after moving the tray to the dresser.
"No, I love you and our children. I would walk through Hell and back for the three of you." Tears fill her eyes and his heart pulses erratically in his chest at the thought of upsetting her. "Regina, I--"
"No, it's okay. You just keep proving how wonderful you are and I can't help but get emotional about it."
She absently rubs her baby bump, something he's noticed she does when she needs to feel calm. He adds his own hand to hers, wishing he could will his own strength into her, then smiles when she relaxes against him. They sit in silence for a few minutes before she takes his hand and moves it up to rest against the scars on her neck. Robin can feel the change in the air at this, suddenly can't breathe for fear of spooking his fiancée.
"I'm sorry I've been so moody the past couple of days," she finally says softly. "It hasn't just been that I've felt worn out from the amniocentesis and the morning sickness. I've been… I guess I've been having flashbacks of the night I got these, the night of my first miscarriage."
Robin has wondered if the two were connected, but never wanted to push her. His thumb gently strokes her jaw. "I'm sorry that you've been suffering so, Regina. Is there anything I can do to help?"
She snuggles further into his side and sighs softly, but he can feel her relax as he continues to touch her scars. The level of trust between them has grown so much in the six months since they first met, and his love for her grows with each passing day.
"Just hold me? I've only told this story in its entirety twice before, and I've never made it through without completely breaking down."
"Whatever you need, love," he replies, pressing a kiss to her hair. "You don't need to do this if you're not ready for it yet."
She shifts enough to look up at him. "Robin, there's a part of me that's terrified I could still lose the boys, and I know that's a factor in my flashbacks. Maybe if I talk about it, if you know about what happened and why I'm acting this way, it'll help me get past this feeling."
He smiles and nods. "All right, Regina, I understand." He nuzzles his nose against hers, offering her courage and love in the movement, and continues to stroke her jaw and her neck scars. Anything to give her the additional strength she needs.
Regina is quiet for a long moment, making Robin wonder if she'll back out on telling him this story in the end. But she surprises him by taking a deep breath and beginning to speak, so quietly at first, he can barely hear her.
"Growing up, my mother was very strict about what I could and couldn't do. She had my whole life mapped out, but I fought back where I could. When I was in college, I was finally out from under my mother's controlling thumb for the first time, or so I thought."
"That sounds awful."
She shrugs. "I think she just wanted the best for me, but our ideas of what was best differed completely. But I was in college across the country and able to live far more freely than I ever had before. I kept up my grades, of course, but I fell in love for the first time. His name was Daniel. He was two years ahead of me in college, studying to be a veterinarian. He had all of these plans to return to his hometown in Oregon and oversee the family business of breeding and raising thoroughbreds while taking over the town's veterinary clinic from his uncle. I was studying a double major of accounting and English, my mother's concession to letting me attend a non-Ivy League college across the country from her, and I was head over heels with the idea of helping him run the horse farm and raising a family of children."
She pauses then, taking several slow deep breaths. Robin doesn't say anything, unwilling to break the mood of the moment. Instead, he continues to hold her close to him, touching her and pressing gentle kisses to her hair and temple. Anything he can do to ensure she knows that she is loved and supported and never alone again. She sniffles and rubs her baby bump again.
"We were so in love, Daniel and I. It was heaven on earth to nineteen-year-old me. I'd been lucky enough to find a part-time job that allowed me to stay and take summer school classes, which let me continue to see Daniel the whole time. My parents still covered my expenses, but my part-time job allowed me spending money. I knew Daniel was the man I wanted to marry practically from the moment we first met. And I did. We eloped to Las Vegas the day after his college graduation, as clichéd as that sounds. We'd planned on saving money for a big, proper ceremony after I graduated college and he got his doctorate in veterinary medicine. We figured that would be enough time for us to be established with the farm and everything, and we'd just have the ceremony be on our actual anniversary, so no one would have to know."
"That sounds like a wise decision," Robin says softly. "You and Daniel had it all figured out, didn't you?"
"We thought so. It was wonderful. We honestly felt like there wasn't anything we couldn't handle together. Once I graduated, we had our second wedding ceremony, which my mother found merely acceptable, because we didn't go all out or on the East Coast like she'd have preferred. But she didn't force me to break up with him or get an annulment. She even gave us money to make sure we wouldn't struggle as we got started, said Daddy would be thrilled that I would be working with horses again."
Robin feels the tears against his skin before he sees them or even hears them in her voice. He knows this is the turning point. Without thought, he shifts to sit more fully against the headboard and pulls Regina into his lap. The covers are pulled up over their bodies more as she curls into him with a soft sound.
"Take your time, love."
She nods slowly, gripping his t-shirt in one hand. "It was about three months after the big ceremony. There was a sudden storm that kicked up, a lot of thunder, but thankfully not a lot of lightning. We went out to make sure the horses were okay. We only had a couple in the barn at the time, including one brood mare with a foal. We were working on building up our stock, after his father had moved most of it around to their associates. Daniel's family still owned them, but didn't have physical possession at the time. We were out in the barn, making sure the doors were all properly latched and that the horses had enough feed, hay, and water for the night."
Regina stops again, shuddering hard, and Robin rubs her back as he presses a kiss to her hair. She's quiet for several minutes, and he can hear her swallowing audibly before she continues. "We got the horses settled and were on our way out when something happened. I still don't know for sure what happened, but I was following Daniel out of the barn. I got hit by something and knocked out. When I woke up, I was in a hospital bed, the whole upper left half of my body bandaged up, I was in the worst pain of my entire life, and I had a tube down my throat to help me breathe. My mother was there, and no one would tell me where Daniel was, so I knew it was bad.
"B-By the time they removed the tube, I found out that lightning had hit this hundred and fifty year old oak tree right outside the barn door. It started on fire and fell over against the barn, so Daniel went to open the back door to let the horses out to the shelters in the paddocks for safety. The jolt of the tree hitting the barn dropped something from the loft down to hit me, and it both knocked me out and trapped me. When Daniel realized what happened, he apparently came back in to get me, but we both got burned pretty badly by the time he got me freed and out of there. We were outside in the rain by the time the firetrucks and ambulance got there. They said we were rushed to the hospital, but D-Daniel was already dead when the paramedics arrived. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. I was touch and go and unconscious for several days."
"Love, I'm so sorry."
"They said Daniel had a heart defect that no one had detected before his death, that it had just been a matter of time before he'd have dropped dead of a heart attack of one kind or another. And then they told me that I'd miscarried while I'd been unconscious, that I'd been about three months along." She lets out a bitter bark of laughter. "We basically conceived on our second wedding night. We'd wanted a big family and Daniel died without even knowing he was going to be a father. And to top it all off, my mother was right there the whole time, telling me how I should be relieved that he died when he did and that I'd miscarried because clearly the baby would be as defective as he was and that he was never good enough for me."
"She what?!"
Regina's whole body shakes with her sobbing, and Robin fears for her health and that of their unborn sons. "She apparently had been lying to me about Daniel when he was alive, but thought it was perfectly fine to tell me how much better off I was without him and our baby while I was recovering in the hospital from horrible burn scars and a miscarriage while mourning the deaths of my husband and my child. She began to smother me again, clearly thinking she could pick up on her plans for my life, but I told her in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. I spent a couple of years wandering the world on the money from Daniel's life insurance policy. His uncle and cousins took over the family farm and veterinary business, but to this day, they still send me his share of the profits. They consider me family, even though I haven't actually seen them since about six months after Daniel's funeral. We've kept in touch with calls and letters over the years though. They took me in as family when I had no one else in California, and they've always been there for me when my own mother wouldn't be."
"Do they know about us and the boys?"
Regina shakes her head. "I haven't asked Mary or Marshall yet if it's all right for me to contact them about it. I…" She sighs heavily and pulls back to meet his gaze with sorrowful eyes. "I feel like I'd be slapping them in face if I told them, even though they told me that they wanted me to be happy, that Daniel would want me to find happiness and love again."
He doesn't know the man or his family, but Robin desperately wants to believe that Regina would be in love with a man who would want his wife to find love again if he should die. Robin knows he would have wanted Marian to find love again if their places had been reversed, and he would want Regina to do the same.
"And do you think he would want that?"
She nods and lets out a particularly agonizing wail of pain, burying her face in the crook of his neck. Without thought, Robin holds her close and rubs her back as he murmurs soft encouragements. He doesn't try to stop her from experiencing the pain and loss again, knowing it needs to be dealt with. And then he feels the tears slipping down his own cheeks at the realization that he doesn't know if Marian would have felt the same way about his death that he does about hers or that Regina does about Daniel's. He needs to deal with his own grief, but not right now. In this moment, he must be strong for his fiancée and their unborn sons.
"I do," she finally whispers raggedly. "It's exactly the kind of person he was."
"Then that's what you do to honor his memory, my love."
She nods slowly, doesn't loosen her grip on his shirt, and that's okay. He just continues to hold her and rub her back as she shudders and cries.
"You know, I think he would've liked you, Robin."
"Yeah?"
"You're a lot alike in some ways."
He can feel the small smile curling up her lips. "I'm honored to know that I share traits with your first love."
"Robin?"
"Did I tell you that my mother offered to pay for me to get plastic surgery to remove my scars but I refused?"
"No, I don't believe you did."
"She said I wouldn't be able to find a husband of any substance if I looked so ugly with my scars. I told her that if my scars scared someone off, they weren't worthy to be in my life."
"Your scars don't scare me, Regina. They're a part of who you are, but they aren't all that you are. Thank you for sharing this part of your past with me. I know it wasn't easy, but I am honored that you trusted me with it."
"I thought you should know."
"I love you even more for sharing this. And if Mary and Marshall say it's all right, I would like for you to continue your correspondence with Daniel's family. In fact, I'd like to meet them, if they're willing, because they're important to you."
"I think I'd like that, too." She leans back to look at him shyly and bites her bottom lip when he gently wipes away her tears, then turns to press a kiss to his palm. "Robin?"
"Hmm?"
"If I go to see the therapist Dr. Farazell recommended, will you come with me? I've never really fully dealt with Daniel's death and the miscarriage, and that's not fair to you or the boys, and I want to be better for all of you and for Daniel's memory, too."
Robin smiles and nods, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to her lips. "Of course, I'll go with you. I haven't even started dealing with Marian's death yet, and I need to, but I know that's all tied up with the court case. We'll call Mary tomorrow and make sure we can get the therapist vetted to see her and then make our first appointment, all right?"
"Thank you. I love you."
"And I love you, too, Regina." He smiles when she yawns. "Do you think you can sleep now without any nightmares?"
"Maybe if you sleep with me?"
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be, love. I'm going to take the tray downstairs and get the dishwasher going first. Do you need anything from the kitchen?"
She shakes her head. "I have ginger ale, water, crackers, and ginger chews." A shy, sweet smile curls up her lips, despite the pain still filling her eyes. "And I have the best fiancé in the world to curl up with when I go to sleep."
He brushes her lips with his again. "All right, I'll be right back."
"I'll be waiting."
He lets her shift back to the mattress again before getting up and grabbing the tray and heading downstairs. It doesn't take long to get the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and start it running, then he quickly emails Marshal Shannon to get the ball rolling with the therapist's verification. That said therapist is the older sister of Regina's OB-GYN is hopefully a good sign that will mean she'll be easily cleared to see them both for the therapy they both need right now.
Finished, he heads upstairs to find Regina curled up in bed. Even with her face red and puffy from crying, she is the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He eases under the covers and molds his body to her back as he presses a kiss to her shoulder.
"Just rest now, love," he murmurs. "I'm right here. You're safe and you're not alone. I love you."
"I love you, too."
He feels it as she drifts off to sleep in the way her body relaxes against him. He waits a bit before letting himself succumb to sleep, in case she has a nightmare. When she dozes peacefully for nearly half an hour, he joins her in slumber, a hand protectively cradling the baby bump containing their twin sons.