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“i wanted a perfect ending. now i’ve learned the hard way that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the next moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. delicious ambiguity.” – gilda radner
...
it all begins with a joke.
the two are walking down the hotel corridor side by side, on a high from a successful show, and a night full of drunken mischief with the girls. nothing important is being said, just small talk and their own inside jokes. when they get to their rooms, they’re close to passing out from exhaustion after the long night. and then, jennie stares at the two rooms in front of her and freezes.
“are you alright there, unnie?” lisa asks as she tilts her head inquiringly. jennie stills, frozen in momentary panic.
“yeah,” she answers, although she doesn’t sound too convincing. she turns to lisa, scratching her head. “i just – i don’t remember which one is mine.”
and lisa stares at her, because how could she forget something like that? she starts to laugh, shaking her head at jennie. she takes out her key card, and unlocks her own door. “jennie, you need to rest some more, unnie.”
jennie smiles a little and takes her coat off, still looking a little lost. she follows lisa into her room and yawns, resulting in a knowing smirk from lisa. she’s always right. “yeah, i definitely need more sleep.”
lisa doesn’t like the lack of a smart comment, even if jennie was proving she was indeed right, so she does the only thing she can think of. she makes a joke. “or maybe you’re just looking for an excuse to get into bed with me.”
and then jennie starts to laugh as she walks away, and lisa relaxes at the familiar sound, and all is right again.
...
jennie forgets 'really', right as she’s introducing it to the audience.
everyone laughs at jennie thinking she’s just joking around, but jennie stares ahead absentmindedly. then she realises where she is, and she plays it up. the audience eats it up of course, especially after jennie starts messing around with the girls. she apologises, and then they continue on with the show.
there’s a couple of smart comments made after the show as they make their way offstage, but lisa tries her best to ignore them. jennie’s been a little off lately, forgetting a couple of simple words here and there, and even putting off coming up with ideas for their future concerts or songs. and it seems like something more than a usual level of procrastination to lisa. she never wanted to bring it up with her though, she knows that the high demand of their job could make anyone go a little stir crazy. but this has been an recurring thing recently, and lisa knows more than to ignore something that seems a little scary.
so she goes over to jennie with a whole monologue prepared in her mind about being worried about her, but jennie just mumbles something about how she’s just tired, and how she’ll be fine soon.
lisa lets it go.
...
jennie forgetting her words starts becoming a usual habit after that. she forgets simple words like 'strawberry', and 'music' and 'perfume''.
everyone just laughs it off, because how can someone forget the word ‘flowers’? lisa gets even more worried, she doesn’t see it as a big joke like everyone else does. jisoo buys a dictionary and leaves it in jennie’s room one day when they have hours to kill. chaeyoung jokes that jennie would never forget the name ‘lisa’. (and although jennie might not be fully with it these days, she doesn’t miss the slight smile that ends up on lisa’s face after that. she smiles back.)
but one night, when the two of them are getting ready for the show ahead of them in jennie’s dressing room, lisa realises that something is very wrong. it’s not a matter of how much sleep jennie is getting or even how much she’s drinking at this point, it’s something much worse.
jennie’s writing something down on a sheet of paper, which lisa guesses could be possible lyrics they could use for the next album. jennie soon stops writing, and starts scribbling furiously on the page with her pen. she sighs, feeling frustrated, and throws it down onto the floor.
“can you pass me a new–” she stops, furrows her brow and frowns.
“pen?” lisa says, chuckling nervously. she walks over to where the old pen had landed, and picks it up. “i think it’s a bit late for that now. we should probably just go, unnie, don’t you think?”
“pen,” jennie repeats slowly, as if she’s just heard this new foreign word for the first time. she sighs, and pushes herself up. maybe she doesn’t notice the fact that lisa’s watching her intently, or if she does, she doesn’t mention it, but she begins making her way to the door.
but then jennie realises she completely forgot where she’s left her phone, and she starts to panic because she’s supposed to call chahee tonight to let her know that she’s not able to meet her next week. “i don’t know where it is, you need to help me find it!” she says, her voice slightly hysterical, and she starts to wander around the room aimlessly, searching high and low for it.
lisa watches her with her heartbeat increasingly rapidly, because she saw jennie leave it in the bathroom just a little while beforehand. and she’s pretty sure that jennie walked past it on her way out to check her hair for what seemed like the hundredth time. but she doesn’t want to rub salt into the wound, so she says the only thing that feels right.
“i’m sure we’ll find it somewhere, don’t worry, unnie.”
jennie’s nearly in tears from frustration before lisa finally brings the phone to her, feeling like a horrible person for hiding it from her in the beginning. jennie doesn’t say anything, she grabs the phone and sits down on her bed. lisa rings their manager up, saying that jennie’s come down with a last minute illness, and that she won’t be able to make the show. he’s obviously annoyed, but he makes lisa promise to come down, and that he’ll sort it out. she makes jennie a cup of coffee, and leaves it for her.
she makes jennie promise to see a doctor the next day.
...
it’s a couple of days before jennie acts on her promise, never finding the time to do so with their busy schedule. but once she does, lisa swears time stands still.
jennie goes on her own, telling lisa that there’s nothing to worry about and she doesn’t need any help. lisa sits in jennie’s hotel room, watching the minutes pass by on her phone. jennie’s gone for longer than they both expected, and lisa just wishes she ignored jennie’s requests for her to stay behind. she also regrets not asking jennie to do anything sooner, because she’s figured this out before most people have and it’s all her fault.
jennie comes back that evening, with chinese take-out and a bottle of wine in her hands. lisa foolishly takes it for being good news, before she sees the look in jennie’s eyes.
the diagnosis isn’t set in stone, at least that’s what the doctor said. brain disorders never are. it’s a rare case, and jennie jokes that she is too.
neither of them laugh.
...
jennie takes it better than anyone else.
jennie researches as much as she can, and she tells lisa that her symptoms shouldn’t affect her for a while.
jennie makes a list of the words she forgets, and she tries to learn them off by heart. the list only lasts five weeks, before it gets too long and too hard to look at. she learns how to play the ukulele with lisa whenever she has free time, and even answers the sudoku in the newspaper. she tries to exercise her mind, desperate to do something to help herself.
she doesn’t cry when she tells her family over the phone, but she does excuse herself to her room early that night. lisa follows her, making her way to jennie’s hotel room.
she stays the night, her arms draped over jennie’s shoulders as she watches the older girl breathe in her sleep, reminding herself that jennie is still jennie and everything is fine for the moment.
...
“are you sure you’re up for this?” lisa asks, for what seems to be the tenth time that morning alone, as she watches jennie pack for the day ahead. she’s keeping herself busy, preparing for the day ahead.
there’s a day full of activities with the girls ahead of them, which was planned by jennie, who has been waiting for this day for a long time. so she’s not exactly happy to be hearing this question, no matter how many times she says she’s more than up for a bit of sightseeing at a park. “lisa, what will it take for you to believe that i’m alright?”
lisa doesn’t exactly know what to say to this, because she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong. “maybe you should rest, we can stay in here and have a movie marathon, maybe even order some chicken. i’m sure they won’t mind! or we could watch some –”
“i said i’m fine, so just shut up!” jennie shouts, and tries to avoid the pit in her stomach once she sees lisa’s hurt face. “i’m alright, i can handle walking around seoul. i’m not going to fuck off by myself and forget where to find you and never be fucking seen again. i’m not going to lose my phone, because it’s in my pocket that i’ve constantly been checking to make sure i have it every fucking minute! i’m not a fucking child, okay? so stop treating me like one.”
“i’m not treating you like a child, jennie-ya. i’m just worried about you,” lisa tells her, her eyes fixed on the black-haired girl. she watches as jennie starts to rub the back of her neck, looking anywhere but back at her. there’s a voice in the back of lisa’s mind telling her that they’ll be late for meeting their bandmates, and she should just drop the subject and leave. but jennie’s been putting off talking about this for so long now, that lisa knows it’s something they need to talk about. plus, if jennie can’t come talk to her about this, than what can she even do to help?
“do you think that i don’t worry about this?” jennie asks, finally breaking the silence. “in case you haven’t realised, this isn’t a walk in the fucking park for me! my mind is slowly screwing me, leading me to the day that i won’t even remember my own fucking name. i’m going to forget everything and there’s nothing that anyone can do to help me.” lisa’s pretty sure her heart is in her throat at this moment, because the idea of jennie forgetting her just hurts too much to even think of. “but for now, i’m a fully-functioning human being apart from a few fucking words, so i’m going to try and live like a normal person.”
lisa doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t trust herself to say anything that could make the situation any better. “i’m sorry.”
jennie offers lisa a smile, although it doesn’t reach her eyes. “now come on, let’s make some memories while i’m still able to.”
lisa’s practically in awe at how jennie can be so strong about this all, and it makes her feel that somehow, they’ll get through this.
...
jennie finally breaks down two weeks later, with lisa holding her telling her that everything is going to be alright.
she couldn’t remember kuma’s name.
...
jennie finally decides she wants to tell the girls, after keeping them in the dark for so long. their third world tour is nearly over, and she didn’t want to scare them or make them worry about her during the run. lisa’s worried that things will become too different, but she wants to think that their friendship is strong enough for them to get through this news, or at least that they’ll be there for jennie.
the conversation starts as any normal conversation would, with jennie asking what they’re all going to get up to with all their free time now. she makes a couple of jokes, and the rest join in and it’s just like normal. but lisa can’t join in, the lump in her throat is getting in the way of her from actually contributing to the conversation. she laughs and smiles along, but she can’t think of anything to say but why does this have conversation have to be under these circumstances?
jennie finally breaks the news, and there’s silence surrounding them in the room. she tells them that she’s dying, and that although it won’t be for a couple of years, the symptoms have started to affect her.
“so you’re not going to remember any of the things we’ve done together?” chaeyoung asks, after staring at jennie for a few moments, trying to see if it’s another one of jennie’s insanely inappropriate jokes. jennie just shakes her head, and only because she’s sitting in the closest seat to jennie’s, lisa can see that jennie’s on the verge of tears.
“i’ll try to hold on to these memories for as long as i can, but i can’t promise anything,” she finally tells them, and jisoo gets up to leave. chaeyoung walks over to jennie and she give her a big hug, which lisa can’t watch.
she walks out to jisoo, who’s standing outside with her face hidden in her hands. “you okay there?” she asks, feeling a little stupid for even asking that.
“why jennie?” jisoo asks immediately, and looks up. “she’s the one who looks out for herself. i mean, she barely has any vices. out of all of us, it had to her?”
“believe me, i’ve been asking myself the exact same question ever since we found out,” she says, as she places her hands in her pockets. she sees what jisoo’s problem is, of course she does, but she’s decided to try not ask herself that anymore. in the end, there’s nothing that anyone can do. she doesn’t want the guilt anymore, she just wants to focus on helping jennie.
“how are you?” jisoo asks, after a short awkward pause. lisa doesn’t exactly know how to answer that. physically, she’s never been better. she’s been busy but she’s made sure to keep time for herself to unwind and relax properly. but emotionally? lisa doesn’t think she’ll ever get over this. how can someone prepare themselves for losing someone that means so much to them? lately, she’s felt she’s been half a duo, and she’s not prepared to give that up. it’s been jennie and lisa, they’re always together. and they work best like that, they know how to bounce off of the other. jisoo fills the silence again, and lisa’s almost grateful. “stupid question really. if i’m taking this badly, i don’t know what you’re going through. it must be hell. but look after yourself, yeah? you can’t just give up on yourself.”
“jennie-unnie is the main concern,” she says firmly, and she knows that jisoo doesn’t doubt that.
jisoo tells her that she’s going back inside, and lisa watches her leave. she stays by herself for a few moments, a little too scared to see what she’ll face once she finds the courage to walk back into the room.
and she was right, because as soon as she returns she sees chaeyoung consoling jennie, and she’s never felt more useless.
...
time goes by, and things start getting back to as normal as they can.
everyone that jennie wants to tell has found out about her condition, so they don’t have to face breaking the news anymore. she knows at some point she’ll have to retire from work and focus on herself, but she puts it off for another year or two. she focuses on their music as best as she she can, helping with writing lyrics and the harmonies for their next album. although her disease is practically taking everything away from her, jennie’s managed to keep her voice. she takes it as the smallest of victories.
but there’s something changing between the dynamic of the two, which lisa can’t ignore. they’re a lot closer, their lack of personal space before is a joke to what they’re like now.
and it just makes it harder for lisa to shut her feelings down, because as much as she wants to be more than just friends, she knows that’s not what jennie needs in these moments. she needs a friend, someone to be there for her when she feels crappy or she’s frustrated with herself. lisa tries to shut her feelings down, but as soon as jennie will lay her head on her shoulder or entwine their fingers together when they’re sitting down watching a movie together, she feels like her heart is about to burst open. she feels nauseous and so excited, that she doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.
lisa’s been spending more time with jennie than ever before, even sleeping in her spare room. the rare times she goes home to her own place, it feels empty. she finds that jennie doesn’t mind her staying, as it’s almost like old times in their old dorm, and they somehow work their normal routines around each other.
“my cousin’s visiting tonight, so i’m going to go for a meal with him,” jennie tells her one morning, when the cold air is biting them and lisa’s mood matches the grey clouds that surround her. “i’d invite you, but he’s probably just going to catch me up on everything that’s been happening back home.”
“don’t worry about it, unnie,” lisa says with a smile, as she passes jennie to start making her morning coffee. jennie stops her and hands her a cup full of coffee made just the way she likes it. she takes a deep breath, and thanks jennie. of course she had already thought of her. but how long before jennie forgets that little detail too?
the day goes by like usual, they share stories whenever it comes into their minds, and make comments on the show they’re watching together. jennie turns off the volume and starts improvising some of the lines with lisa, and the two crack up a lot, never able to take anything serious together. then lisa gets up to make dinner for herself and jennie gets ready for meeting her cousin. she leaves shortly after that, and lisa’s left alone in a kitchen with the smell of stir fry surrounding her.
and it gets too much, because she can’t help but think to the times where she’ll be making dinner just for herself and she’ll be alone in her own apartment again. her appetite leaves her soon after, and she starts to cry. she thinks she deserves this, because she’s been keeping her feelings to herself as best as she can. the food is left on the counter, just so she doesn’t set fire to jennie’s apartment, and she walks into the spare room to hide her face in her blankets.
she lets out painful sobs, but she doesn’t feel any better. she just thinks she feels worse, even emptier. she’s never lost a friend before, and she knows she will get through it, but it’s going to be so hard. it’s jennie. she even began planning her whole life around her, and she never managed to even consider what would happen if jennie didn’t want to be a part of her life, or if a freak of nature decided to tear them apart. and she’s so scared about what’s going to happen when it starts to really hit jennie. can she just sit there and watch her best friend lose her whole personality? she doesn’t want to be a carer to jennie, she still wants her to have that normality of a best friend to help keep her in good spirits. but the worst thing that lisa can’t bear to think about is when jennie forgets her.
it’s inevitable, but nothing will prepare her for the day she just becomes another stranger to jennie. she'll never forget her time with jennie, and she wishes the same could be said for the older girl, but it’s obvious that it won’t happen. that they won’t be so lucky.
she doesn’t know how long she stays there in her room, crying to herself, but it gets later and darker. and at some point of the night, she’s joined by another body. jennie returns, and once she finds lisa in her room, she wraps her arm around lisa and she doesn’t say anything.
lisa puts her arms around jennie’s waist, and she holds onto jennie tightly. jennie asks what’s wrong, and lisa doesn’t exactly know how to say what she’s been thinking. instead, she just wipes her eyes and she lets go of her grip around jennie. she turns around to face the wall and closes her eyes. she doesn’t expect jennie to stay, but she feels arms wrap around her anyway.
it’s the best night of sleep she’s had in years.
...
when they wake up, jennie awkwardly pushes herself away from lisa with a flushed expression on her face.
“sorry,” she says, as she sits up. “i didn’t think i’d fall asleep on you like that.”
“don’t worry, i liked it.” she’s afraid she’s said something completely stupid, but jennie smiles at her. she feels a little pang at her heart at that, and her mind races to places that she knows it shouldn’t, because they’re friends and in jennie’s condition the last thing she needs to think about is a relationship.
“i don’t want to move,” jennie says simply as she wriggles a little closer to lisa. “want to have a lazy day? we can rewatch stranger things until we get bored.”
jennie keeps going on about plans for a while and lisa nods, not entirely listening to jennie exactly. but she knows she’ll say yes to anything she wants.
...
they soon go back on tour, and there’s a sense of familiarity in the air.
although, it’s a bittersweet feeling. it’s going to be their last tour, everyone knows this even if jennie won’t say it aloud.
sometimes, lisa thinks it's hard to be so happy when she’s in front of a crowd. it’s not like she’s lost that part of her, she doesn’t think she’ll ever lose the optimism or the bright personality that she has, but it hits her that some days, she’s just not in the mood to act like there’s nothing wrong in front of a huge crowd anymore. she has to be very professional, she has to work hard because they won’t ever let down their fans. and lisa feels guilty for deceiving people like that. but she has to continue, she can’t just give up on everything because jennie is sick.
most of the time though, there’s something about being on stage with jennie that makes her feel invincible. it’s like she’s ready to take on the world, as long as she’s with her. and she knows jennie feels the same, she can see it in her eyes. it’s in the words they don’t say as they cross paths on the way to their separate hotel rooms, and in the looks they give each other when they sneak into the other’s room late at night. on the last night of the show, they really soak up the applause. as soon as they leave the stage, lisa takes jennie’s hand in her. jennie smiles back, and she feels ten times better than she ever had before.
there’s a party afterwards for everyone to go to at the end of the night. and they all get well and truly drunk, like their drummer says the next day in an angry text (he regrets everything). there’s no cameras for most part of the night, just friends celebrating the end of a major part of their lives. and as much as lisa loves having everyone around, she just wants to spend some time with jennie alone.
but seeing jennie surrounded by the people she loves and smiling like there’s nothing wrong in the world is one of the best things she’s seen. she doesn’t want to think of anything but what they’ve all achieved together and how much fun the night actually is, so she doesn’t let herself think too much.
the night goes by quickly, with everyone stumbling back to their hotel rooms after a few too many drinks and when they finally reach jennie’s hotel room, they collapse onto her sofa not caring about the fact that there isn’t room for the both of them, and they’re snuggled in closer than normal. jennie starts laughing to herself as lisa nearly falls off, but she won’t let lisa leave her.
“stay with me. i don’t want to wake up hungover and alone,” jennie pleads, using the worst puppy dog eyes lisa has ever seen. but she stays, only because she doesn’t think she’ll make it to her own room. and also because jennie’s got a pretty tight grip on her, which she definitely won’t complain about.
jennie pushes lisa’s hair out of her eye and kisses her forehead, and mutters a sweet thank you.
and maybe lisa’s had a bit too much to drink, but she doesn’t care about the consequences so she leans down and kisses jennie. it’s a sweet kiss, but it’s over sooner than she’d like it to be. and she’s way too drunk to keep her eyes open, let alone kiss someone. she shuts her eyes and starts to fall asleep, and the last thing she hears is jennie’s soft voice close to her ear.
“lisa, i’ve been waiting for you to do that since the first day i saw you.”
...
nothing can actually prepare her for waking up. she feels truly horrible before realising what she had done, but once she remembers the kiss she feels enough guilt to actually stand up. she’s never allowed herself to drink so much before, and she knows why as she stumbles to the bathroom in a groggy state.
when she reappears, changed out of her clothes from the previous night, she finds that jennie’s moaning about never drinking again as she rubs her head. “hangovers should not be a thing when your brain’s this fucked up,” she says under her breath, but lisa catches onto it and it makes her feel even more uncomfortable. “do you think you could ring room service for us?”
lisa gets the two of them a greasy platter of fried food, which they consume as soon as it’s ready. breakfast is a quiet affair, both still recovering from the night before. lisa’s a little afraid to say anything, just in case it brings back any memories to jennie. she feels a lot more confident in the fact that jennie feels the same, but she doesn’t want to pressure her into a relationship. not with everything on her plate.
“max left me a text to tell me he hates me,” jennie says, finally breaking the silence. “i don’t think he and jisoo drank nearly as much as we did.”
“if it makes him feel any better, i hate you too. i’m not doing that ever again – i’m getting too old for this,” lisa groans, as she finishes her food. jennie laughs at that, knowing fully well this won’t be the last time she hears those words said.
“about last night,” jennie begins and she looks down, a little embarrassed to look at lisa. “i meant what i said, before we fell asleep. i don’t know if you remember, but i –”
“i remember,” lisa says, her cheeks burning ever so slightly. this is the moment, the moment that she never actually allowed herself to dream of. she pushes through her nerves, and continues on. “when we got off stage, i felt like i could do anything. i never felt more invincible, or happier. but i realised that i felt like that because you were with me. its how you always make me feel.”
“so you got absolutely hammered and finally decided to kiss me?” jennie asks, and lisa can hear a smile forming on her lips.
“when you put it like that, it doesn’t sound all that romantic,” she laughs nervously. she looks up at jennie again and can’t help but grin. she never thought they’d ever talk like this, but here they are.
“probably because it isn’t,” jennie counters, laughing a little.
“i hate you,” lisa mumbles which only makes jennie laugh in return.
“you don’t,” jennie says and lisa might actually be catching a tan from the glow coming off jennie’s face.
“you’re right,” she gives up quickly, because the quicker she does that the quicker she gets to kiss jennie again. and properly this time. “i don’t think i’ve said it to you yet, but i've liked you since we were teens – more than i ever thought i would. i mean, you’re bearable, at the least. in fact, i’d say you’re –”
lisa’s stopped mid-sentence by jennie’s mouth on her. it’s a bit awkward at first, seeing as her mouth was open and she nearly consumes jennie’s face whole but then jennie laughs, slides her fingers into the hair at the back of lisa’s head and gives her a second before she kisses her again.
lisa doesn’t think life can get any better.
...
their period of happiness doesn’t last as long as she would have wanted.
jennie’s condition starts to worsen, and so does her mood. she barely leaves her home, too scared to face people she doesn’t know. she snaps at lisa for the smallest things, and it takes all of her willpower not to fight back.
and she has to remind herself every time that it’s not jennie talking. it’s the disease, and it seems like it’s not content with just taking jennie away from her but it wants to take jennie’s personality, too.
whenever jennie comes down from her anger, she’s always hit with guilt. she cries, and tells lisa how she doesn’t deserve listening to the insults jennie angrily throws her way. but lisa won’t listen to her, she always tells her to stop being so crazy when jennie tells her she should find someone better for her. lisa knows there’s no one more perfect for her than jennie, so she kisses her until the fear leaves jennie’s eyes.
“how do you live with me like this?” jennie asks her completely out of the blue one day, when her legs are entangled with lisa’s under the sheets and there’s sweat covering both of their bodies.
lisa doesn’t have to think twice before she answers, as she’s never been so sure of anything before. she presses a kiss to jennie’s forehead and cups her face so she can see just how serious she is.
“there’s no other way i want to live my life.”
...
a year and a half later, jennie’s seeing her doctor even more.
her symptoms are hitting her a lot harder, and lisa hates just sitting back and watching. she feels so helpless most of the time, but she still knows it’s an honour to be the one to help jennie through this all.
still, nothing could have prepared her for waking up to a very confused, and obviously nervous jennie one morning.
“i can’t believe this,” she says to herself as she covers herself up with their blanket. “how much did we have to drink last night?”
“what?” lisa asks, not fully thinking from just waking up.
“i’m sure this was great, but we’re friends. there’s no way that we can actually continue this,” jennie begins explaining, and things start to click inside lisa’s mind. it’s a symptom of the disorder – waking up and thinking she’s in the past. lisa tries to play along as best as she can.
“you’re right,” she says, her heart obviously not in the right place.
“jisoo was right, she told me something was going on between the two of us. but i didn’t believe her, because why would i?” jennie continues, but then she stops talking.
jennie comes back, realising her mistake and starts apologising immediately, but she’s left shaken for the rest of the day. they don’t talk about it, they brush it under the carpet along with everything else they’re too scared to mention to each other. which, is starting to become a lot.
it isn’t something that usually happens to jennie though, but it’s one of the things that take her off guard most. she can take the headaches and forgetting certain things, but it gets a little too real for her whenever this happens.
lisa handles it better though, she’s starting to get used to pushing her feelings aside during these situations. it isn’t until after, when she’s alone or jennie’s fallen asleep, that she lets her feelings out.
it’s unhealthy, that she’s the one who's going to be left with the memories. she can deal with her own tears – jennie shouldn’t.
she wants to help jennie remember only the good times for as long as she can.
...
lisa’s hit with nerves, and nothing compares to how she’s feeling right now.
they’ve been together for three years now, and she knows that it’s finally time. the small box in her pocket is a constant reminder of how badly she’s possibly going to screw everything up, but she still wants to go through with it. the only thing is, she doesn’t know how to propose.
after talking with chaeyoung and jisoo, she decides not to do something over the top. it’s never been them anyways, they prefer to be intimate. she decides to cook a meal for jennie one night, spreading a couple of rose petals across their table and light candles to add to the atmosphere.
jennie doesn’t suspect a thing, she’s just swept away with the romance. once they’ve finished their meal, lisa decides it’s finally time to pop the question. she takes jennie’s hand, and jennie looks at her with the most love-struck expression she’s ever seen and she knows she’s doing the right thing.
“jennie,” she begins, and she realises how much easier this would have been if she had planned her speech ahead of time. she’s never been the best with words in times like this. but jennie’s slight snort at the use of her serious voice just makes her fall in love with jennie just a little bit more, and she realises that she’s never loved anyone like she loves jennie. and that’s always a good start.
“i don’t think there are words to begin describing just how happy i am with you. for the first time in my life, i finally learned what it’s like to truly love someone. and knowing that you feel the same way about me – it’s just mind-blowing really. there’s so much i want to say to you right now, about how happy you make me and how much i adore you, but i don’t think there are any words to begin describing those.”
lisa takes a deep breath, knowing that it’s now or never. “but i do. i love you so much, jennie,” she pauses for a moment, still holding jennie’s hands - which is mostly to be romantic but also because she’s sure that she’s definitely going to pass out at any moment – as she gets down on one knee. “we might not have a fairy tale ending, but there is nothing more i would love than being your wife. whatever happens, we’ll take it on together.”
she hears jennie gasp, and she feels jennie’s hold of her hand getting even tighter.
“jennie kim,” she looks up, seeing tears in jennie’s eyes. “will you marry me?”
jennie sniffles, her free hand going up to wipe her tear stained cheeks and she chokes out an “oh my god,” and jennie laughs nervously, but lisa still has a strong gut feeling that the next words that come out of jennie’s mouth are going to be no and that she doesn’t even feel that way and –
“yes, of course i’ll marry you!”
lisa can’t say another word, instead she simply gets up to her feet and pulls jennie into her, kissing her with all of the passion she can muster up. she’s never felt so happy, or relieved. just knowing that one day, she’ll be able to call jennie her wife makes her heart swell.
and for the first time, lisa can say she isn’t so scared of the future.
...
lisa’s sitting across the room from her friends, trying her best to keep up with everything that is going on.
it’s new year’s, and chaeyoung is is throwing a party for everyone to reel the new year in together. and like always, it’s an epic celebration. there’s plenty of booze flowing, and everyone is in high spirits. lisa loves it, she loves seeing everyone together again. she wants to take it all in, and savour every moment of it.
chaeyoung walks over to her, and hands her another drink. “mind if i sit with you for a sec?”
“of course,” lisa answers with a smile. “this is a great party.”
“you say this like you don’t have faith in me anymore to throw parties like we used to when we were younger,” chaeyoung says, her voice dripping with fake hurt.
“i guess i’m just really jealous,” lisa shrugs, and the two laugh.
“i heard those solo album rumours,” chaeyoung says, after a moment of silence. “are you going to take it?”
“i can’t,” she answers straight away. she had gone for a meeting on a whim, not thinking they’d even consider her for something like this. but lisa somehow been offered a recording contract. it’s something she had dreamed about before, but she knows she’d be selfish to take it.
“are you crazy? this could do wonders for you,” chaeyoung argues. and she knows that chaeyoung is right, that’s why she never told anyone. “you can’t not take it because you’re scared. that’s what makes you sure that you want it.”
“i can’t leave jennie,” lisa admits, which quiets chaeyoung. “i’ll be in new york recording most of the time. and what if she needs me?”
“i know it won’t be the same as having you with her, but we’re here for jennie too. we’ll make sure she’s not alone, and that you’re not in the dark,” chaeyoung suggests. lisa’s about to protest, when chaeyoung interrupts her. “just promise me you’ll think about this more, will you?”
“yes, unnie,” lisa jokes weakly. her attention is soon turned to the impromptu karaoke session that’s begun. jennie and jisoo are holding onto each other as they shout out the words to a girls’ generation song. nayeon, momo, seulgi, and irene are beside them, dancing along to the music. sooyoung and yerim stumble, and knock over a piece of furniture, which gets chaeyoung’s attention. she runs off shouting about how that’s going on their tab, but she’s laughing and no one takes her seriously
lisa stays sitting, looking around the room. when the songs over, jennie walks over to lisa. jennie sits on her lap, and leans in for a lazy kiss.
“are you happy?” jennie asks, as she leans her head against lisa’s forehead.
“more than ever,” lisa grins, not even having to think about jennie’s question. because while there are some obvious challenges the two have to overcome, lisa’s doubts and insecurities seem to flutter away whenever she gets to wake up next to jennie, or when she’s the one to make jennie laugh.
“i want you to be happy,” jennie says, slurring her words. “because you make me happy. happier than i ever imagined. i love you, li.”
they ring in the new year in each other’s arms, surrounded by their friends. it starts with a slightly drunken kiss, and they leave hand in hand when things start to wind down.
“this year is going to be amazing,” jennie says, in between kisses. “i’m going to make some memories that are too good to forget.”
“that sounds like a plan.”
...
the alcohol is no longer in her system, and jennie’s optimism doesn’t last long.
when lisa wakes up, she stretches out to find that jennie isn’t lying beside her anymore. she makes her way to the living room, where she finds jennie staring at the television screen, which is off. she’s holding a cup of coffee, which lisa guesses could be cold at this point.
“jennie, love?” she calls out, trying to get jennie’s attention.
“what’s the point?” jennie asks, still staring ahead of her. “what the fuck am i even doing at this point? my memory has gone to shit, and soon i won’t be able to even remember how to walk anymore.”
lisa’s used to the mood swings at this point, and had thought she had been through the worst. but this is different. it’s like she is looking at a complete stranger, instead of her best friend. jennie has never been so despondent.
jennie continues on, the grip on her coffee mug tightening. “i hate myself so much right now. i know that i’m just keeping you from better things, by making you my live-in carer, but i’m too selfish to make you leave. and what’s the point? you’re just going to be a stranger to me at some point too.”
“don’t…”
“chaeyoung told me about it. at the party last night,” jennie says, finally turning to her. “she thought i knew about it, and told me to send you her congratulations. you got offered a solo contract and you didn’t tell me about it?”
“i only just found out a few days ago. but i don’t even want it –” lisa begins to explain, but she’s cut off.
“let me guess, because you’re stuck with your sorry excuse of a fiancé?” jennie says bitingly. “you don’t trust me to stay on my own, in case i hurt myself? is that it?”
“of course not, i –”
“you say you’re happy, but i’m just weighing you down!” she shouts. “i’m nothing but a fucking burden, and i’m ruining your life. and you might not say it, but you’re thinking it. and do you know what the worst thing is? i don’t blame you.”
“stop it!” lisa shouts in return. “don’t you dare say that you’re a burden to me. because you’re not, and you never will be. i'll always love you, until my last day. i’ll love you even when the day comes that you don’t know who i am anymore.”
her voice shakes at the last part, and she sees some emotion coming back to jennie. she walks over, and squats down so she can be face to face with jennie. “there is nothing you can do or say to change my mind. i love you with all of my heart, and i will be by your side for as long as you’ll have me. because there’s nothing more i want to do, than to help you.”
“but the album,” jennie says, her eyes watering. lisa’s sure she’s about to cry too.
“i still haven’t made my mind up about it. i was going to tell you about it,” she says, which isn’t exactly true. although, she knows it’s better this way. “it's a big decision to make. i’ll be in new york for months, and you’ll be here.”
“you deserve it,” jennie tells her, and lisa actually believes her.
“i don’t want to leave you,” lisa admits, raising her hand to wipe the tears that are falling down jennie’s cheeks.
jennie smiles, trying to hold the tears back. “i’ll live.”
it’s one of the best things lisa’s ever heard.
...
lisa signs the contract, and jennie continues working on music as much as she can. she even takes a couple of hosting jobs, which excites her.
lisa thinks this will be as close to normal that the two will get.
...
they’re at the airport, with chaeyoung and jisoo, and jisoo’s baby girl.
“you’ll call as soon as you land?” jennie asks, and lisa pretends she doesn’t see the reminder written on jennie’s hand that todays the day she’s leaving.
“of course i will,” lisa tells her. “i’ll rush off the plane as soon as i can just so i can hear your voice again.”
“and you better video call me at least once every two days,” jennie demands, which makes lisa laugh.
“would you like me to write letters too?” she asks, jokingly.
“if you’re offering,” jennie answers, but is interrupted by the girls who want to say their goodbyes too.
time goes by too quickly, because before she knows it, she has to check in. she wraps her arms around jennie and kisses her one last time.
“i love you,” she says, her forehead wresting on jennie’s.
“i love you too,” jennie returns, and lisa still feels the same way as when she heard it said the first time.
it isn’t until she arrives, and she’s about to ring jennie to let her know that she’s arrived in one piece, that it hits her. this is her new home for the moment, and it’s so lonely. she already misses her life back home in seoul, but she wants to do this. she wants to make jennie proud.
she throws her bag down, and she rings jennie. when jennie picks up, she sounds tired but she stays on the line.
it isn’t the same, but hearing how happy jennie is for her, it’s all the motivation lisa needs to continue.
...
as much as lisa misses jennie, she doesn’t hate living in new york all that much.
the production crew are wonderful, and they all get on very well. she misses seoul and her friends and family, but she’s enjoying working on the next stage of her career.
and it goes so well. she’s found a sound that suits her perfectly, and she’s so proud of the album she’s putting together. time flies, and she makes a new life for herself in new york.
on her last week of shooting, lisa comes back from an all-nighter and she feels like a zombie. she throws herself down onto her bed, and clumsily takes out of her phone. she’s about to fall asleep, when she notices she’s missed six calls from chahee.
she sits up straight away, and calls chahee back, not caring about how late it is. chahee picks up on the third ring, and she can already tell something bad had happened.
“is she okay?” lisa asks straight away, skipping the formalities.
“don’t worry,” chahee begins, and lisa wants to shout about how stupid that is. of course she’s going to worry, it’s the love of her life that’s sick. “but jennie’s in the hospital right now.”
“what?” lisa asks, and her heart starts racing. she’s already imagining of all the worst case scenarios.
“she’s in the hospital,” chahee repeats. “she had a seizure this morning, when i was at your place. i called an ambulance, and they looked after her. the doctor said it was normal for something like this to happen, but i haven’t been able to see her since it happened.”
“i need to go home to her,” lisa says, reaching for her laptop to look up flights.
“no! she wouldn’t want me to tell you, i know she wouldn’t want to see you yet,” chahee tells her. “but i knew you needed to know.”
lisa stays silent for a moment, and she lays back down. she’s so tired, she doesn’t need this at the moment. “are you okay?” she asks.
“it was so scary. i didn’t know what i was supposed to do. i put her in the recovery position and then i just sat there and watched, hoping it would stop soon,” she pauses, and takes a deep breath. “it’s really true.”
“yeah,” lisa says, with a shaking voice.
“half of me kept thinking it wasn’t, that she was okay and it was one long nightmare. but it’s not, she’s sick,” chahee continues on. “i’m not ready to lose my best friend, lisa. i love her.”
“you should go to sleep, chahee,” lisa tells her, trying to ignore the sinking feeling of not being there for jennie. the best she can do is try help chahee, even if it’s just from a long distance phone call. “look after yourself too, it’s important.”
chahee hangs up, and lisa tries to fall asleep. but all she sees is jennie, almost like she is haunting her. she wishes she could be there to hold her hand, knowing how the hospital is starting to scare jennie. lisa contemplates getting up and leaving right there and then, but she knows she can’t.
just as she’s about to fall asleep, her phone rings again.
she checks the time, seeing that it’s seven and it’s too early for people to call. she sees that chahee is calling her again, and picks up straight away.
“lisa, it’s gotten worse. shit, it’s gotten bad,” chahee mutters, and lisa freezes. “the nurses asked me to come see her, because she was acting out. but when i got there, she started shouting more and more, and i was made to leave. she doesn’t remember me.”
it’s what lisa has been fearing ever since the diagnosis came in. she knows it’s a sign that the end is coming.
“she’s my best friend, the person i’ve always looked up to, and she was fucking scared of me. she wasn’t even able to form a proper sentence, she just kept shouting,” chahee tells her.
“i’m coming home,” lisa says, her mind made up.
and she’s somehow allowed to go, but she doesn’t question why. instead, she just wonders why the hell she had ever thought she could leave jennie behind.
...
when she finally gets back to seoul, she rushes to the hospital.
nothing prepares her for what she sees. she’s not the girl that lisa had left behind, she looks like a broken version of jennie. how had she not seen this coming? things had been progressing, but jennie tried not to let on how badly it had been hurting her.
she opens the door to jennie’s room, but jennie doesn’t look up. she walks to jennie’s bed, and takes hold of her hand.
“i’m here, love,” she says, and watches jennie turn to face her slowly. she doesn’t say anything, and lisa’s heart sinks.
but just as she’s about to lose all hope, jennie gives her a weak smile. it’s not much, but it’s something to hope for.
...
jennie’s allowed back home three weeks later, but she stays inside most of the time.
she withdraws from herself, almost like she’s scared for other people to see her like this. and she barely wants to leave the house – both old and new places leave her confused.
her memory isn’t what it used to be. the doctors say the seizure set things off, and now it’s a waiting game. they can’t put a number to how long she has left, but lisa doesn’t know if she’d want one. instead, she tries to treasure the days as much as she can, even if the bad days are starting to overtake the good days.
the girls come over to help, which lisa is grateful for. she thinks if anyone can bring a more playful side out of jennie, it's jisoo and chaeyoung.
jennie forgets their names, and they’re met with a confused expression as she walks into the room. lisa can see the disappointment in their eyes, but she doesn’t blame them.
“chaeyoung, jisoo-unnie, it’s good to see you two again!” lisa greets them, and jennie’s face lights up in recognition.
“jisoo, chaeyoung!” she repeats, and lisa watches the smile on their faces reappear.
lisa leaves them to it, allowing them to have a private conversation. she knows that the girls will have to do most of the talking, as jennie’s been finding it hard to keep up lately. but somehow lisa doesn’t think that will affect them, since those girls could always be the life of a party.
lisa’s in the kitchen watching a movie, lost in her own little world. it’s been so long since she’s had time to herself like this, but it doesn’t last too long.
there’s a loud bang, and she can hear commotion coming from the living room. she runs out, to find jennie on the floor and jisoo trying to help her up. lisa runs over, and helps jisoo pull jennie up onto the sofa.
“are you okay?” lisa asks, as she leans into jennie. jennie only nods, and hides her head in her hands. “what happened?”
“she wanted to get up but she fell over,” jisoo answers, still in shock. “i tried to soften the blow so she wouldn’t get hurt.”
“thank you, unnie,” lisa says, hoping jisoo can see how grateful she is. she sits down beside jennie, and places her arm around jennie’s shoulder. “it’s okay. the doctor said we should expect this.”
“no,” jennie mumbles, and it sounds like she’s on the verge of crying. “i’m not okay.”
as jennie gets more and more worked up, jisoo and chaeyoung excuse themselves. lisa walks them out, not wanting to be rude. they stand by the door, where jisoo’s eyes fall back to the living room. “how are you holding up?” she asks lisa.
“as well as i can be, i suppose,” she answers, with a shrug. “you’ll come over again, won’t you?”
“you won’t be able to get rid of us,” chaeyoung grins. they hug lisa goodbye, and make their way out of the house.
lisa walks back inside, to find a quiet jennie. she’s watching lisa closely, but her eyes skim down when she’s caught. lisa walks back to sit beside jennie, and holds onto her hand tightly.
“don’t want to leave you,” jennie says, facing lisa. lisa’s scared, she doesn’t want jennie to lose hope. it’s just making it all more real, and she can feel time ticking away.
“i don’t want you to go.”
...
lisa sometimes finds herself dreaming of their wedding, that she hates to admit will never happen.
she sees jennie, in a flowing white dress, standing beside her at the altar. their friends and family are sitting in seats behind them, but all she cares about is the woman she’s about to marry. they hold hands as the officiant begins the ceremony. they vow to love each other in sickness and in health, and to share their lives together.
in particularly good dreams, they live a long life together. they have kids, and a house by the sea. they live a lifetime together, and have the happy ending she wishes they could have. in bad dreams, jennie doesn’t know who she is. no matter how much she tries to reach out to the older girl, jennie never recognises her.
it’s moments like these that she struggles to have faith for the two of them. but she takes everything a day at a time, tries her best to get over certain speed bumps in their way.
jennie can barely string a sentence together, and stays quiet. lisa hasn’t heard her sing since she left for new york. she thinks she misses her singing the most.
but still, jennie finds ways to make her smile. even on difficult days, jennie tries her best to smile just for lisa. “beautiful,” she’ll say, greeting lisa every morning.
lisa does all the talking nowadays, filling in all the blanks for jennie. she tells her all about her childhood in thailand, and her early teenage years, training in yg, and all the glorious moments afterwards. jennie points at the ring on her finger once, and lisa has to swallow the lump in her throat down.
“we’re engaged,” she tells jennie, who only nods. “we’re going to get married someday, just you wait. you’ll be the most beautiful bride there has ever been.”
jennie shakes her head. “you.” this makes lisa smile. “i love you.”
lisa takes jennie’s hand, and kisses it, hoping she’ll get to hear that lots more.
...
“scared.”
lisa looks up from her book, to look over at jennie. “what did you say, love?” she asks, and she sees just how pale jennie is. she closes her book, not caring if she’s lost where she’s at.
“scared,” jennie repeats, the word coming out slowly.
and lisa is too. terrified, even. but she doesn’t say that. instead, she walks over to jennie and she takes her hand. “i’m going to be by your side, no matter what. okay?”
jennie’s rushed to the hospital the next day.
...
lisa stays by jennie’s bedside through it all, with the rest of her family and friends visiting whenever they can.
jennie doesn’t recognise any of them, instead she leans into lisa and lets out a small cry whenever lisa needs to leave the room.
they’re running out of time, but lisa’s set to keep running anyways. she’ll take all the time she can with jennie.
but lisa knows that jennie has lived a good life, a longer one than either had expected at the start. it’s selfish for wanting more for jennie, considering the life they’ve spent together. but that doesn’t stop her.
she reads to jennie, and reads out messages from loved ones that jennie doesn’t remember and well-wishes from all her adoring fans, and she retells stories that she’s told countless times before. jennie doesn’t say anything, instead she rests. sometimes, lisa isn’t sure that jennie is even listening to her, but that doesn’t stop her.
one day, lisa wakes up from an uncomfortable nap to see jennie staring at her engagement ring. lisa takes her hand, and gives it a tight squeeze. “wedding,” jennie says, and lisa almost jumps from hearing jennie speak. “tell me about it.”
so lisa speaks, she tells jennie all about the wedding that she had planned in her head. she tells jennie all about the church they choose near seoul so both of their families can make it, and she tells jennie what dresses they’ll wear. she talks about how chaeyoung and jisoo will cry throughout the ceremony and how everyone else will get mad but jennie will just laugh. she tells her about the reception, and how much alcohol is consumed. “we’re in hongdae now!” she jokes. and she talks about how they have their first dance to can’t help falling in love with you. and she goes on to tell her about the family they’ll go on to have – a girl and a boy. and they’ll have dogs and cats and a big garden for them to run around in.
it isn’t until lisa finishes speaking that she sees that jennie’s eyes are closed. but there’s a smile on her face, and lisa wonders if this is the most at peace she’ll feel ever again.
...
jennie doesn’t wake up.
jisoo and chaeyoung are sitting beside her, as she stays by jennie’s side.
“do you think she’s in pain?” chaeyoung asks, and neither of them have an answer for her.
“she’s a fighter,” jisoo smiles sadly, as she lays her head on chaeyoung’s shoulder. “i hope she knows just how much we love her.”
lisa realises that it’s hard to have an answer for that either, because she’s the only one jennie would allow near her. so she stays silent.
“thanks for all the laughs throughout the years, jendeukie,” jisoo begins, and lisa turns her head to see her two friends are crying. she doesn’t know how long she’ll hold on for. “you’ve been my rock for years, and i’m just sorry that i couldn’t help you as much as you helped me. i love you, jennie, and i’ll forever be grateful that you were in my life.”
lisa holds onto jisoo’s hand, although she’s not sure who it’s supposed to benefit more.
“do you remember when i broke up with my first boyfriend?” chaeyoung asks, her words barely legible through her sobs. “i was miserable, i thought that i had reached my lowest point. but you did the unthinkable, unnie, you made me smile. you always managed to help me when i was upset or nervous. you were my mentor, too. i never thanked you enough, but you mean so much to me.”
they listen to the machine beeping beside jennie, letting them know that she’s still holding on. it’s enough for now, to give them hope for some miraculous recovery. but it's futile, lisa knows that.
it's a waiting game now.
...
three hours later, when lisa’s found herself alone with jennie again, she lets herself cry.
“i know you’re going through a lot of pain right now,” she begins, her voice quivering. “and i know you’re going to face a lot more afterwards. so if you decide that it’s too much, i understand. i love you, i always have and i always will. i want you here with me, so we can spend the rest of our lives together. but if you need to let go, you can.”
lisa falls asleep by jennie’s side, holding onto her hand.
she doesn’t need to open her eyes to know, but they flicker open anyway.
there’s no rising of her chest. jennie looks like she’s sleeping peacefully, content and no longer suffering.
lisa tries to call out for help, but no words leave her.
she wonders if she should be relieved that jennie’s not feeling any more pain.
still, she’s gone.
tears fall down her cheeks as her chest heaves, and she cradles jennie’s body in hers, silently wishing they had more time.
...
there’s an electric feeling around her, as she stands by the exit to the stage.
jisoo and chaeyoung and all of her family and friends are all inside her dressing room, squished together. she’s happy, which is something she never thought she’d be able to say again.
“you ready, lalisa?” her mother asks, as she places an arm around lisa’s shoulders.
“ready as i’ll ever be!” she answers, the smile on her face refusing to fall.
she makes her way to the stage, and lets the atmosphere of a loving crowd take over. it’s been so long since she’s played in front of a crowd, which makes her slightly more nervous. but she knows she’ll be okay. she’s got everyone here to cheer her on.
lisa runs on stage, microphone in hand, and waves to the crowd. she basks in the cheers, and thanks her beloved bangkok fans. as she places the microphone in the microphone stand, the crowd quiets down.
“this has been a long time coming,” she says, giggling at the words. she turns her head around to see her family watching her, sticking their thumbs up at her. “thank you for coming out tonight! i’m going to start tonight off with a song that’s very special to me. it’s for anyone who's lost someone they loved.”
she pauses, and looks up. she smiles, feeling bittersweet, and thinks of jennie. jennie, who would have loved to have been here to cheer her on. there’s no one she’d love to sing for more. “this is a song for when you don’t think you can carry on, but you do. because life might've been cruel enough to steal them away from you, but that doesn’t mean your life is over. it means that you've got the strength to live for them, too.”
she holds onto the ring on her necklace, and smiles brightly.
lisa’s not sure of much, but she knows she’ll be okay. the sun had started to shine down on her, when she felt like she couldn’t keep afloat with all of her grief.
but now she feels like she’s found her anchor to help her through the mess of her emotions.
lisa refuses to sink.