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Four years ago my parents died at sea and I was plunged into poverty. Three years 11 months and 24 days ago Kaz Brekker found me on the roof of the Slat and offered me a place in the Dregs. Three years six months and 17 days ago I realised I might be falling for him, foolish as that decision may be.
I was his best spy before Inej came along and the person he trusted most. I was the closest thing to a friend he allowed himself to have for a long time. I was the only person you might have said he cared about. He probably didn’t. I told myself that every night, repeating it like a mantra every time he smiled at me, every time he defended me, every time it seemed like maybe, just maybe, there was a sliver of space in his heart for me. It got easier to believe after the night he brought Inej home.
She became his favourite and I was pushed aside. Well… I wasn’t really but it felt like it most days. I could understand, she was better than I was so it made sense, but it still made me feel useless sometimes. He still trusted me above all the others though so at least I had that. He still believed in me and my abilities. Which is why I was shocked and hurt when he told me I wouldn’t be joining him and the others on the Ice Court heist.
“I need you to keep an eye on everything back here, keep things running smoothly.”
“Per Haskell is still here, running things is his job not mine.”
“You know he does practically nothing anymore, things would fall apart without me so I need you to take over for a little while.”
“Can’t someone else do it? I want to go on this job. You could use my help.”
“(Y/N) I need you here. I don’t trust anyone else like I know I can trust you. And besides, we’ve got Inej, she can handle anything I might need you for in Ferdja.” Well. That was that then If he didn’t need me anymore then fine.
“Alright.” He frowned at the abruptness of my response but I turned and left his office before he could say anything else. If he was even going to.
I wish I could say our reunion weeks later was in any way joyful.
The crew on the Ice Court job went into hiding and Kaz finally let me help them. Getting intel, running errands, boring work that kept being hindered by Pekka Rollins and the Dime Lions. Clearly Kaz had pissed him off royal somehow though no one seemed inclined to give me any details about what went down. Rollins knew I was one of Kaz’s favourites, everyone did, and he set his goons to follow my every move, hoping I’d lead him to Kaz. Quite frankly that was offensive. Did he really think I was useless enough not to lose them? Not to know exactly what he was doing? I was Kaz Brekker’s second for saints sake!
Sometimes though, sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Like now, in the middle of this insane plan that had landed me with a knife to my throat, the stench of a Dime Lion clawing its way up my nose. Trapped with no way out. I was good but I didn’t like my odds against Rollins and four of his crew. Not when I was already injured and had only one exit, currently blocked.
“What do you want from me?” I asked Rollins, watching him lean against the chapel door.
“Oh nothing in particular with you. I just needed a bit of bait.” He grinned and my stomach dropped. Well this was where I was going to die then. I knew he meant to use me as bait for Kaz just as surely as I knew it wouldn’t work. When his plan failed he’d have me killed. Fucking great.
Soon I spotted Kaz running towards us with Inej in tow, murder in his eyes. I tried to yell out a warning but the knife pressed more firmly against my throat, breaking the skin and drawing blood. I shut up quickly.
“Ah, Brekker, do come in. I believe we have business.”
“Quite.” He walked in willingly, glancing at me, assessing. I pleaded with my eyes for him to turn around and leave me. “Do you mind letting her go, I don’t think that’s really necessary anymore, do you?”
“No. When we’re done here, maybe then I’ll consider letting her leave.” The lie was obvious to everyone in the room. “For now she’s staying right where she is. Maybe that way you’ll behave. I doubt it though.” He smiled smugly. “I think her blood would look lovely on this floor, don’t you?”
“Fine.” He was emotionless and it stung. Seeing he didn’t care wasn’t exactly surprising but it wasn’t fun. Well if I was probably going to die, even if he didn’t care about me like I did him, I could try and help him live.
The Dime Lion keeping me captive was distracted and I lashed out, breaking from his hold and yelling to Kaz to get out of there since they were distracted. He and Inej could do it easily but neither of them moved. I gave up. What even was the point?
This time when I was pinned to the wall, there were two knives. One back at my throat and one digging into my stomach. I gasped at the pain from their steady weight against me, the sting as blood trickled out. Looking at Kaz, I could see he was angry, probably at me. But that was fine, I was mad too. Why hadn’t he left? Rollins was grinning when I caught his gaze.
“Awh, isn’t that sweet Brekker?” He taunted. “She loves you enough to die for you. Such a shame the feeling could never be returned.” He walked over to me, lifting my chin with a finger and forcing me to meet his eyes. He spoke lowly. “You put your faith in the wrong man.”
I almost laughed. Did he think I didn’t know that? It’s not like I went out of my way to fall in love with someone emotionally unavailable.
“Love isn’t a choice Rollins,” is all I said. Though if love were a choice I’d still choose Kaz.
I didn’t pay close attention to the conversation that happened next but finally Rollins and his goons left and I was free. My hand came away red and sticky when I swiped across my neck. Gross. A handkerchief was tossed in my direction and I pressed it to my neck, hoping the bleeding would stop soon.
“Let’s go.” Kaz didn’t look at me again as he stalked out of the chapel, Inej and I following behind. That had probably just ruined our friendship. I almost wished Rollins’ men had finished me off when they had the chance.
*
It was late, really late, when Kaz finally returned to The Slat that night. I’d almost fallen asleep, having returned several hours earlier, but uneven, creaking steps tugged at my consciousness. We hadn’t spoken since everything that went down with Rollins at the church and I was hoping to avoid him for as long as possible, not wanting the “I can’t feel the same way” or “don’t ever speak to me again” that I knew was coming. It wasn’t my lucky day apparently.
Kaz’s footsteps stopped outside my room and a moment later there was a knock. I contemplated not answering but Kaz wouldn’t have knocked at all if he didn’t know somehow that I was awake. He looked…nervous(?) when I opened the door and it threw me off long enough for him to slip into the room before I could tell him to leave me alone. Kaz didn’t look nervous, he just didn’t. What was going on?
“What do you want Kaz?” I asked, sighing and leaning against the door.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” The concern was odd but appreciated, I wasn’t in the mood for it though.
“We need to talk.” He didn’t need to clarify what about. The knowledge hung heavy in the air between us.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I know there’s nothing here so you can just go and we can forget about it.”
“No, we can’t. At least, I can’t.” I looked over at him and his expression was pained. “I never knew you felt that way.”
“Yeah,” a humourless laugh, “well now you do. Are we done here?” I just wanted to sulk alone in my bed.
“No. Just…let me speak, okay? This isn’t easy for me.” I nodded and he took a minute to think before continuing. “I didn’t know you felt that way and if I did, I would have done things differently.” I resisted the urge to ask what he was talking about.
“I’m not good at this kind of thing,” we both smiled a little at that, “but I might feel the same way.” My breath hitched hopefully and Kaz moved closer to me. I held his gaze as he continued. “It will take time, I don’t know how much, but if you’re willing to be patient and work with me, I’d like to give this a shot. I’d like to give us a shot.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. Kaz liked me. He wanted there to be an us. Saints, I wanted that too. So much. A smile broke out on my face, free and uncontainable. I’d never dreamed this day would come, that I’d get a chance with Kaz. It was like a dream.
“I think I’d like to give this a shot too.” He smiled and my heart soared. Maybe I should send Pekka Rollins a thank you card. Kaz took my hand. Squeezed. It felt like flying.