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He should not have asked again. It never came out as he intended. It always ended badly. He knew it even as the words spilled out of him, and his heart began to pound. There was an ache over his chest, like a bruise on his heart.
Wei Ying’s face froze, and then shifted as the shadow came back over it, as his eyes narrowed and the lips curled into a smirk that wasn’t a smile. It was not Wei Ying’s smile. It belonged to someone else. He shrugged, his whole demeanour changed into something wary and deliberate.
“Gusu? Why would I go to Gusu when I have everything I could want right here?”
He stretched his arms out to encompass the walls of the cave, the fluttering banners, the pool of blood. (The mere fact that there was a blood pool made Lan WangJi insides knot and his palms sweat.) All the shadows seemed to drift in from the dark corners to surround Wei Ying, Wei Wuxian, until he was wrapped in a cocoon of darkness, his white teeth sharp in a warning snarl.
Lan WangJi had failed. Again. He had thought… he had thought that he might have a chance. To rescue Wei Ying, to make him better, to stop this…parody, this wretched twisted mockery of the life Wei Ying should lead. His love was a failure, it helped nothing if Wei Ying looked at him with eyes of bitter mistrust. Hopeless, his brain supplied. You are hopeless.
Wei Ying whirled and paced away from him, still talking. His tone was mocking. Lan WangJi had no doubt that the words were veiled insults to his clan and his intellect, but they were echoing and a bit blurred. The rising tide of his own heartbeat in his ears was louder than Wei Ying’s voice. It roared, and everything else was fading. He felt as if he were underwater, the surface far away and muffled.
The pain spreading through his chest stole his ability to breathe, even as he tried to pull air into his lungs. He had always thought that hearts breaking from grief was an exaggeration. Now he could feel it, like being split open, like cracked ribs and a sword through muscle. It hurt so, so much. He had thought he knew pain. He knew nothing. Wei Ying was lost to him and he couldn’t breathe.
He pressed a fist over his breastbone, and leaned forward to try to get a breath, mouth opening soundlessly. There were red spots before his eyes, pulsing and radiating out from the middle. He very slowly crumpled, groping blindly beside him for the ground before he fell to his knees. He could taste blood in his mouth, and his forehead pressed against the floor. He clenched his fingers in dirt and choked.
There was an exclamation, hurried footsteps.
“Lan Zhan!”
He cracked an eye open and turned his head, light headed but obedient.
Wei Ying was touching him. Wei Ying, with worried eyes and no shadows. Oh, he was so beautiful, the most beautiful, fragile precious person. How could someone be that beautiful?
“Lan Zhan! Are you hurt? Tell me! What’s wrong with you?”
You are what’s wrong with me. You. You.
Lan WangJi uncurled his arm from around his middle and clutched black cotton, rough under his fingers. Too rough, Wei Ying should be wrapped in silk and satin. He pushed the material out of the way. Wei Ying’s skin was warm. His wrist was as thin as a bird’s.
Lan Zhan fought to breathe. Just breathe. He held onto Wei Ying. Breathe in, breathe out. Swim up to the surface. He sucked in air that rasped through his throat. The cloud cleared a little, but not the pain in his heart.
“Lan Zhan! You’re touching me! Are you dying?’
Yes. His heart was cracking into shards. He could not live like this any longer.
If Wei Ying was doomed, if his own heart was smashed beyond repair, then none of the rules mattered anymore and he could do what he wanted, just this once.
He pulled his beloved into his arms and wrapped him in folds of white silk, hugged him close, kissed the top of his head, smoothed his hair. Lan WangJi tucked his face into the curve of Wei Ying’s neck, as he had wanted to do for so long and inhaled. Breathe in. Breathe out.
And Wei Ying let him. Wei Ying was tense, and he himself was breathing warily as if braced for further surprises, but he wasn’t pushing Lan WangJi away. He must have felt Lan WangJi’s thundering heartbeat. He would have had Lan WangJi’s tears falling on his skin, but he wasn’t struggling.
Lan WangJi was grateful for his generosity of spirit.
“Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan?”
Wei Ying’s voice was gentle, his tone cautious, as if he thought Lan Wangji might do something foolish. More foolish. Lan Wangji tightened his grip a little, pressed his wet face into Wei Ying’s neck, mentally counting down the seconds until he had to let go. Just a few heartbeats longer, just a few…
“Lan Zhan!”
Wei Ying had surely realised. Lan WangJi had… well, snuggled. He knew the right thing was to let go. He was imposing on Wei Ying. He was touching without permission. It was wrong.
It was also so hard. He tried to remind himself which of the Lan principles he was breaking, but they all blurred together in his mind. He took a breath, and even though he strove for control, his body shuddered.
“Lan Zhan.”
Wei Ying had said his name a thousand times, maybe. He had said it as a way of saying Hello! or Look at me! or I’ve had an idea! or I’m bored! or I’m angry!
Lan WangJi could not work out what his name meant now, breathed out in a whisper. He did not want to lift his face from Wei Ying’s neck to find out.
“Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan. Look at me.”
Wei Ying was firmer now, still gentle, but commanding.
Lan WangJi dropped his arms, lifted his head, and waited, with his eyes closed, to be reprimanded, or possibly punched, as he deserved
Wei Ying did not move. His breath huffed against Lan WangJi’s throat. His fingers were tapping Lan WangJi’s cheek, gentle and warm.
“Open your eyes. Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan. Look at me.” Coaxing. Convincing.
Wei Ying was kind. Always kind. Lan WangJi did not think he could bear seeing Wei Ying being kind to him. He shook his head.
“Lan Zhan, if you won’t look at me, I’m going to have to do something drastic.”
He moved in Lan WangJi’s lap and Lan WangJi’s knee bent sharply sideways. He couldn’t hold back a grunt of discomfort.
“Sorry! Sorry!”
Lan WangJi opened his eyes, frowning. Wei Ying sounded breathless but not angry.
He was undoing his sash and wriggling out of his outer robe.
Lan WangJi’s thoughts stopped. He blinked. It was still true.
He sat, stone still. The love of his life was in his thin under tunic, still sitting in Lan WangJi’s lap.
Wei Ying avoided Lan WangJi’s eyes, red cheeked. He put a hand up to his hair and then pulled it back, settling for scratching the back of his head.
“Now your eyes are open!” he said brightly, but his face was scarlet, and he was fidgeting in Lan WangJi’s lap.
Lan WangJi stared at him.
“It worked before!” Wei Ying seemed to feel the need to justify himself. “You always got tetchy when I started undressing in front of you! Remember back in the cave? You actually spat blood! Oh.”
Wei Ying’s eyes went wide for a long minute and then narrowed.
“Lan Zhan.” he said. “We need to talk.”
In Lan WangJi’s experience, no good conversation ever began with “We need to talk.” He shook his head and closed his eyes again.
Wei Ying made a noise like a kitten that had been sat on and tapped two fingers in the middle of Lan WangJi’s forehead, not gently.
“Stop pretending to be dead!”
“Lan Zhan!”
“So you’re dead, then? You’ve died somehow sitting up? Let’s play Inquiry then, shall we?”
Wei Ying’s voice was very close. He must be leaning in almost close enough to touch.
“I’m going to ask you questions, Lan Zhan, Lan WangJi, Hanguang Jun,and you are going to answer them.”
“It’s just possible…” Wei Ying’s voice was very quiet now.” Just possible that I have been…stupid. I don’t think of myself as stupid but then this happens, and I’m sitting in your lap, Lan Zhan, which is not how I expected this reunion with you to go, and I’m forced to wonder if I’m just very slow on the uptake. I need you to help me here, Lan Zhan, and I know you are not…overflowing with words at the best of times, so you can just nod, or shake your head, but please, for the love of Heaven, do something, so I can work out what the hell is going on.”
Lan Zhan could not refuse. Wei Ying was being very fair minded He gave the slightest of nods and braced himself.
‘Lan Zhan. Do you… like me?”
Lan Wangji nodded.
“Like me as a friend?”
He shook his head.
“Ah.”
There was a long pause.
Lan WangJi hadn’t expected anything. He hadn’t. He chewed his bitten lip and tasted blood on his tongue.
“Stop that! Stop doing that with your face!” Wei Ying sounded exasperated.
“And you’ve cut your lip… stop biting it!”
There was cloth suddenly dabbing at his face. He tried to brush it away, but his hand was slapped aside.
“Behave, Lan Zhan! I’m not finished, I’m just thinking!”
He paused. There were a few more gentle pats to Lan WangJi’s mouth
“I always thought…You never...I always thought you didn’t like me very much. And you hate demonic cultivation. You think I’m evil.”
Lan WangJi shook his head violently. How could he be so wrong?
“I like you.” Lan WangJi whispered. “Always, I liked you. Loved you, Love you. I love you. You are good, Wei Ying. I am afraid of demonic cultivation. Afraid it will eat you. What will I do, if that happens? How can I live, if it takes you over? I love you, I love you, I have loved you so long…I am so afraid, and you will not let me help you or keep you safe…”
“Keep me safe?” Wei Ying’s voice was disbelieving.
“In Cloud Recesses. I could hide you, they would not find you. The clans fear you, they want you brought down, they are planning to kill you…I could hide you. I could bring you food from town, you do not have to eat the food, please, Emperors Smile, I’ll bring some, if you would come back with me, please, Wei Ying….”
He opened his eyes. Wei Ying looked more confused than anything else.
“I’ve never heard you say so many words at once.” whispered Wei Ying. “This Inquiry has been very… enlightening. I thought…. that you thought I was evil. That I needed to be exorcised in Gusu. Punished. Kept under lock and key”
“Never evil. You are not evil. You are the best person I have ever met.”
“Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying’s tone was firmer now. “You are crazy. That’s a crazy thing to say. Your brother, for starters, is a much better person than me. My shije…”
“Best person.”
“You’re crazy” Wei Ying said softly, and sighed.
At least he hadn’t moved away.
“Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying said, and slumped a little. He sounded very tired. “It would be impossible for me to go to Cloud Recesses with you. You must see that. Your uncle and brother would never accept me, or the Wens. I cannot leave them. The moment I’m not here they will be...”
He waved a hand, wearily, towards the ceiling.
“I am not a person you should love, Huangun Jun. You deserve someone truly… truly good. I wish my shije could have loved you, not that peacock. She would have been the perfect person for you.”
Lan WangJi could feel Wei Ying’s fingers pulling on the edge of his robe and looked down. Wei Ying was folding the material into little pleats. His face was turned down, so Lan WangJi couldn’t see his expression, but the set of his shoulders looked sad.
Wei Ying had said he couldn’t go to Cloud Recesses. He had said that Lan Wangji should love someone else. But he had not said the things Lan WangJi had expected.
Like, for example. No! Or, Go away!
Greatly daring, Lan Wangji put his hands up to Wei Ying’s hair. He slipped his fingers through and found snarls and tangles. Wei Ying leaned into his hands slightly. They stayed silent. Lan WangJi kept working out the knots. He divided the long fall of hair into sections and considered the options. He started to braid.
“I have no Golden Core.” Wei Ying said abruptly and harshly.” I cannot cultivate. I have no spiritual energy. I am a mediocre person. I will die early. I cannot walk your path. That is why I make the choices I have made. I am not a good person to love.”
Lan Wangji kept braiding, hands steady. That explained so many things. So many clues suddenly gained significance. He thought back over the last year as his fingers wove Wei Ying’s hair.
“Did you hear me?” Wei Ying’s voice was bitter, now. “I am nothing, next to you. I cannot even use my sword.”
“Bichen is strong enough for two.”
Wei Ying gave a bark of laughter. “Bichen would be in Gusu. Gusu is a long way from here”
“Bichen will be where I am. And I will be wherever you are.” Lan WangJi had finished the braid. It would frame the side of Wei Ying’s face.
It needed a ribbon. He sat back and put his hands up to his own head.
“What are you doing?” Wei Ying sounded more like himself again. “That’s your headband! Your special family thing, no one else can touch whatsit!”
“You can touch it.” Lan WangJi held his palm open, his ribbon laid across it. He held his breath.
Wei Ying looked at it, then up at him. He scrutinised Lan WangJi as if he had never seen him before, eyes flicking over every part of him.
“I think about you a lot. “said Wei Ying. “I see things, and they remind me of you. Or I think, I must tell Lan Zhan that.”
Lan Wangji’s heart was speeding up again, and his breath was short, but now it was hope, rising slowly, a little hope.
“How long?” asked Wei Ying.
“A long time. Always.”
“I am really, really stupid.” said Wei Ying and shook his head. “But you could have said something before!”
“I was afraid.” That was his confession, his shame.
“And here I thought Hanguang Jun was never afraid.” But there was no malice in his voice.
Wei Ying shuffled… closer. Definitely closer. They were almost sharing breaths, now. He swayed forward.
“I’m cold, now” he said “Hanguang Jun is very warm.”
Lan WangJi laid his head ribbon carefully on the ground, and then leaned forward to gather Wei Ying back into his arms. Wei Ying laid his head on Lan WangJi’s shoulder.
It was the best thing that had ever happened.
“Your heart is very fast.” said Wei Ying, after a long silence
“Mn’.
Wei Ying pressed closer, shifted to get comfortable.
Lan WangJi was filled with both excitement and alarm. There were consequences to having the object of his desires sitting on his lap, very closely on his lap. He tried to adjust himself.
Wei Ying snickered.
“Lan Zhan! and I thought you were an upright and honourable cultivator!”
“Don’t tease!” said Lan WangJi, through his teeth. Wei Ying’s squirming was not helping matters at all.
“No, I’m sorry, that’s not fair.” Wei Ying apologised. He looked sincere and thoughtful.
Then he wiggled again.
“Wei Ying!” Now Lan WangJi really was scandalised. That was not fair.
“Nobody says my name like you.” Wei Ying said into Lan WangJi’s chest. “Nobody looks at me like you do. Like you see all of me.”
“I see you.” said Lan WangJi.
“Yes.’ said Wei Ying. “Yes, I think you do “
He lifted his head. He stared at Lan WangJi, and then lifted his chin.
“Attempt the impossible” he said, and kissed Lan WangJi.
Lan WangJi was too startled to contribute much. It was a brief press of lips, and then Wei Ying was sitting back. He was breathing hard. He stared at Lan WangJi again.
“I bet I can do better.” he said and ducked in to kiss Lan WangJi again.
This was a much better kiss, definitely. Wei Ying brought his hands up to cup Lan WangJi’s face. He was concentrating, Lan WangJi could tell, concentrating and exploring. Lan WangJi dared to trace his tongue along Wei Ying’s lower lip, and Wei Ying made a surprised noise and opened his mouth. They traded sloppy kisses that way.
After a few minutes Wei Ying groaned, and pulled back, panting. He left his hands where they were, stroking Lan Wangji’s cheeks.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” he whispered.
Lan WangJi could not speak. His brain had stopped working.
“We could have been doing this since we were sixteen! “said Wei Ying, looking upset and astounded.
Lan WangJi made a gurgling noise.
“Lan Zhan! You’re really stupid too! It’s not just my fault! I think you owe me, in fact! “
Lan Wangji pulled him down and kissed him quiet. Wei Ying was still trying to talk even while being kissed, even while returning kisses, but he started to stammer when Lan WangJi slipped a hand under his tunic.
Lan WangJi pulled it back, instantly.
“I didn’t say to stop! I’m just- surprised! And it tickles!”
“Does it?” asked Lan Wangji, and stroked Wei Ying’s side again.
Wei Ying yelped.
“See how you like it!” he said and pulled at Lan WangJi’s robe.
Lan WangJi liked it a lot. His little problem became much more pressing.
Wei Ying kissed him, gently, firmly, running his hands over Lan WangJi’s sides. He touched his tongue to Lan WangJi’s, a kiss within a kiss.
Lan WangJi found Wei Ying’s nipple, felt it harden under his fingers. He groaned, unable to control the noise. He bent forward, fighting for control.
“Lan Zhan?”
“I’m going to…” he confessed, into Wei Ying’s shoulder.
“Really? Just from this? I thought…have you done this before? With anyone?”
Lan WangJi shook his head, teeth set. How could he do this with anyone else?
Wei Ying huffed a little laugh.
“We’re in the same boat, then.”
“I’ve read books.” said Lan WangJi.
“You’ve read porn? Cutsleeve porn! Lan Zhan!”
There was a pause.
“You went into an actual shop and bought cutsleeve porn?”
“In the Library.”
“The Gusu Lan library has cutsleeve porn?”
“It’s in the reference section.”
“Of course it is,” said Wei Ying. He took a deep breath.
“Well, here we go.” he said, and put his hands down Lan WangJi’s trousers.
“Nnnggggghh” said Lan WangJi, and spasmed.
“You have a big dick.” said Wei Ying, high pitched and breathless. “It’s hotter than I expected. My dick doesn’t seem that hot when I touch it. Maybe your body temperature is higher.”
“Aaaahhhhhhhhh.” Lan WangJi arched his back. His hands clawed at Wei Ying, to push him away, pull him closer.
“You should see your face.” said Wei Ying, fondly.” No, you should. You look…. You’re beautiful. I mean, you’re always beautiful. Everyone says that. But you look… “
He tightened his grip.
Lan WangJi’s eyes rolled back. The world exploded.
“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying’s voice was …. gleeful?
Lan WangJi tried to focus. Wei Ying was grinning from ear to ear, and almost bouncing with pride. He looked like some kind of spirit, a god of mischief, so pleased with himself.
Lan WangJi ached with love, and exhaustion. All his bones had turned to soup. He slid down onto the floor of the cave, bringing Wei Ying with him.
“Was that good? Lan Zhan? Was that good?”
“Better than good.” he said and groped until he could tuck Wei Ying under his chin.
Wei Ying started humming. He was playing with Lan WangJi’s lapels. His absent minded notes turned into a tune. Lan WangJi joined in, and they sang softly and wordlessly together.
“What is that called again? Did you ever tell me? I can’t remember…”
“I told you. You were sick.”
“Well, tell me again.”
“Wangxian.”
“What?”
“The name of the song.”
Wei Ying shot up.
“Oh, you are shitting me. You wrote that?”
“Yes.”
“For me?”
“Yes.”
“And you told me and I didn’t hear you?”
Lan WangJi shrugged.
“Yes.”
Wei Ying punched him in the shoulder, and then slapped his chest.
“You fucking proposed to me in a cave with music? What is wrong with you? I’ve been humming that damn song for years!”
“I was afraid.” said Lan WangJi. It was all he could come up with to explain the feelings that had held him back, that had silenced him.
Wei Ying looked at him, and his face softened.
‘You’re an idiot.” he said, and leant down and kissed him again
Lan WangJi pulled him closer and reached for the ties to Wei Ying’s trousers with his other hand. He tucked the waistband down over Wei Ying’s hip enough to get his hand in.
“Lan Zhan!”
“Your turn.” said Lan WangJi.
“Oh. Ah. Oh, that’s nice. That’s nice, Lan Zhan, keep doing that.”
“Shall.” said Lan WangJi, and did, even though the angle was awkward and his other arm was going numb.
Wei Ying gave up on talking, except to chant “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan” very quietly under his breath, while his body stretched and shuddered. He finished on a soft groan and then whimpered.
“Ah, ah, Lan Zhan, be gentle.”
Lan WangJi pulled Wei Ying’s trousers back up and tied them, and kissed Wei Ying’s head.
They lay on the floor together. Lan WangJi was completely content. The moment stretched out, became indelible in his memory, perfection.
“I think it’s just you.” said Wei Ying, against his chest.
“Mn?”
“I’ve been thinking, and I think it’s just you. If I’m a cutsleeve, which, obviously…. I think you’re the only one. I can’t think of anyone else I … fancy. Fancy. Is that the right word? I don’t want to kiss anyone else. Or touch their dick.”
Lan WangJi tensed up.
“No! Stop worrying! Your dick is fine! More than fine! See? I like your dick, it’s very pretty!”
“Wei Ying!”
Wei Ying patted him.
“Still so shy.” he said, one hand lightly massaging him.
Lan WangJi could feel all his blood heading downwards. Not that he was against that, but…
“Will anyone come looking for us?” he asked.
Wei Ying’s hand stilled.
“Possibly.” he allowed. “What time is it?”
Lan WangJi looked at him blankly.
“Ah, me, we might have to get up.”
Wei Ying rolled off Lan WangJi and stood up. He inspected the front of his trousers.
“I don’t think anyone will notice.” he decided and lifted an eyebrow at Lan Wangji for confirmation.
“Only dusty.” said Lan WangJi. “Outer robe will cover.”
“All my clothes are dusty.” said Wei Ying.
Lan WangJi intended to change that.
Lan WangJi got up, and dusted himself off, while Wei Ying shook out his outer robe and shrugged it on. He tied his sash, and then bent down.
He stood up holding Lan WangJi’s headband.
“You’ll need this back. “
Lan WangJi took it from him, and greatly daring, stretched out to hold the braid he had woven beside Wei Ying’s face.
“I would like you to wear it.” he said.
Wei Ying’s face was hard to read.
“Your headband is special” he said.
“You’re special.” said Lan WangJi. “You’re my significant other.”
“Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan. And you never lie, so that must be true. But I’m a terrible choice.”
“I have chosen. “said Lan WangJi . “Would you like to wear the ribbon? What is your choice?”
“This is all very sudden” said Wei Ying. “If someone had told me this would happen today, I would have laughed at them.”
Lan WangJi’s soul left his body, blown away on the wind. He felt chilled and empty, all at once.
Wei Ying was still inscrutable, like an elegant statue.
“I think…” said Wei Ying and stopped. He made a short, aborted gesture with his hand towards the ribbon.
Lan WangJi’s’s pulse was loud in his ears again. He felt as if he were looking down a tunnel, Wei Ying bright at the centre but a swirling haze around him.
Wei Ying said something. It might have been his name.
He woke up in an actual bed.
“Don’t move!” Wei Ying was somewhere over to his right.
“You’ll make the needles shift and Wen Qing will murder me!”
“Needles?”
“Your meridians are all out of balance! Have you not been eating? Wen Qing has ordered acupuncture and herbs. They will taste disgusting but they’ll probably work. She’s a very good doctor.”
“What happened?”
“You fainted! Like a tree falling, I was lucky not to be crushed! Also, you hit your face, but Wen Qing says your nose isn’t broken, so that’s good.”
Lan WangJi touched his nose. It was very painful. His hand bumped a needle that was under his eye. That too was very painful.
“Do you not understand human language all of a sudden? Don’t. Touch. Your. Face.”
Wei Ying came into view. He stood over Lan WangJi, arms crossed.
There was a white headband ribbon tied at the end of his braid.
Lan WangJi turned his face away.
“Lan Zhan! What’s up with you! Is that the way to treat your fiancé?”
“Don’t tease.” said Lan WangJi, in anguish.
“I’m not teasing.” said Wei Ying, suddenly all seriousness. “I wouldn’t tease you.”
He sat next to Lan Zhan on the bed and touched his shoulder.
“I choose your ribbon. I choose you.”
“You weren’t going to. You shouldn’t… not from pity. “
“Pity? Pity? Because you fainted? But I - It’s not pity that made me hesitate!”
“What, then?” Lan WangJi’s head was pounding and he couldn’t breathe through his nose. He turned back to look at Wei Ying.
Wei Ying’s smile was twisted.
“I’m going to ruin your life. You’ll be a pariah, if you stay with me.”
Lan WangJi took a deep breath and sought out Wei Ying’s hand.
“Not true.”
“True enough” said Wei Ying. “But I’m selfish. I’ve seen your secret face, and I want to see it again. I want to see you being happy because of me. And I want more kisses, and your hands on me, and I want to be happy because of you. I want that.”
He drew a deep breath.
“You know I said it was only you? I thought some more and it is only you. All those girls I flirted with- I like flirting, you know that. I like girls, or I thought I did. But- I’ve never touched a girl, I’ve never wanted to kiss a girl, let alone undress her. I’ve read a lot of porn. Nie Huisang has books and books of it. All that time we were supposed to be becoming better cultivators at Cloud Recesses- we were sharing naughty stories! But I was never interested when it came to real people. It’s like- I always wanted you to look at me. Just you. I always wanted you to have a good opinion of me. So I think you always have been my significant other. I choose you, even though I know I’m getting the best of the bargain.”
Lan Zhan brought Wei Ying’s hand up and kissed it, carefully, trying to avoid face needles.
“I love you.” he said.
Wei Ying gave a little laugh, that sounded more like a sob.
“And I think I love you.” he said. “and that is very disconcerting. You’ve turned everything upside down, Huangang Jun. You’re the one who brought chaos, this time.”
Lan WangJi frowned, and tried to see Wei Ying’s face.
“Are you sad? Do I make you sad?’
‘No! No, I’m just… I’d gotten used to thinking I was going to be alone. I thought I wouldn’t have much of a life left, so it didn’t really matter but… I’ve been alone, a lot. I thought it was better to stay away from Shijie and Jiang Cheng, better for them. I’ve got the Wens, of course, but I have to be cheerful all the time, for them, I have to pretend everything’s good when it’s really shitty, I have to pretend I know what I’m doing.”
He wiped his face.
“And now you’re here. And we’re engaged. And I… want to weep like a baby and tell you how terrible everything is. That’s not a great thing for you, is it?”
“Come here” said Lan WangJi and opened his arms.
Wei Ying lay down next to him and clucked his tongue in alarm as Lan Wangji bumped another needle out of place while shifting around.
“Wen Qing’s going to kill me if I take them out. But she’s going to yell at me anyway, so I might as well. Stay still.” His touch was quick, a small twinge with every needle, there and then gone. He rolled away to put the needles somewhere, then back to burrow fiercely into Lan WangJi’s embrace, hiding his face in the white robes.
“That’s better. “he said, voice muffled. “This makes everything better.”
“Yes.” said Lan WangJi and kissed the top of his head, because he could and he really wanted to.