Work Text:
Kara wished she had taken the option to wait backstage. Out there in the midst of the gala dinner, she could feel every set of eyes on her, hear the whispers they didn’t expect she’d ever be able to. Every laugh, every scrape of cutlery and fizzing champagne bubble seemed to be turned up specifically to hurt her.
“Hey,” Alex said, leaning across the empty seat between them and patting Kara on the forearm in their familiar rhythm. It was a code, of sorts. The way they’d been saying ‘I got you’ to each other for thirty years since Kara’s first nightmares on Earth, and it still worked every time. Kara took a deep, steadying breath, and poked at her entree with her fork until the room became a less hostile space.
“Thank you,” she said to Alex, but before they could talk any further, the lights dimmed and their host for the evening returned to the stage. Lois looked fantastic in her midnight blue gown, split to the knee and held up by the thinnest of straps. The color was so close to the judicial robes Kara’s mother had once worn that for a moment, she wondered if the dress had been some sort of gift from Argo. As the applause tapered off, Lois leaned in slightly to the microphone and began to speak.
“Welcome back everyone, and thank you once again for your generosity. I can confirm that tonight’s running total just topped $10million in donations for the Cat Grant Equality in Media Foundation, and we are not done with you yet.”
Polite laughter rippled round the room. Kara glanced at face after face in the dimmed light. Why didn’t she recognize them? Why were any of them really here? Maybe this was too soon after all. It had only been a few months, and despite the many ways that life had returned to a strange sort of normal, the ache inside her chest hadn’t lessened even a little. Aware her attention had been drifting, Kara forced herself to focus on what Lois was saying.
“...inaugural award, which makes the first recipient all the more special. That the worthy winner of this award is someone that Cat herself plucked from the ranks and mentored is exactly the kind of perfection she would demand in this situation.”
Lois leaned back, struggling for a moment. Gathering herself, she looked over toward Kara as she finished the introduction.
“To continue tonight’s presentation, please welcome to the stage one of my very favorite people, and certainly one of Cat’s… Kara Danvers-Grant.”
The applause was deafening, but Kara rode it like a wave to find her feet and travel the short distance to the stage. At least sitting at the top table had that one advantage.
“Good evening everyone,” Kara said as she gripped the lectern. Just in time she heard the familiar sound of glass straining under her grip and relaxed it. The room settled into an anticipatory hush, straining to hear every utterance that Kara might make. She looked to the autocue, blank because she hadn’t dared to write down the words she wanted to say. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep this speech brief. Not just because I’ve been told off plenty of times for rambling when I speak, but because I know our worthy award recipient, Ms Nia Nal, will be on the edge of her seat until she’s finally called up here. Just a few minutes more, Nia. I promise.”
Polite laughter. Kara found the perfect middle distance over the crowd’s heads, meaning she didn’t have to look at anyone in particular. She could do this; Cat had taught her well.
“I wish I didn’t have to be here right now,” Kara said, the first crack in her voice amplified across the silent ballroom. “Of course I want to celebrate the success of my friend and one-time mentee, but I do wish I didn’t have to be the one making this speech tonight.”
She risked a glance at Alex, who had one hand resting over her heart as she watched Kara on stage. It steadied Kara all over again.
“The Cat Grant Award for Excellence in Journalism was a lifelong dream of Cat’s. One she shared with me back when I was just her assistant, with no idea of the life we would come to share together. She felt, as so many female journalists often have, that our accomplishments are under-celebrated in this area, and she wanted to give a prize that had both prestige and career support for the winner. Well, she called it a ‘big, fat check’, but we all know what she meant.”
The laughter was less tentative this time.
“That’s just part of the reason I wish I wasn’t here tonight, and that Cat could be. She’d be giving you a speech full of wit, that took no prisoners, and charmed you all right down to your pocketbooks. She would have insisted that I shouldn’t consider myself her understudy, and reminded me that everyone has their unique talents… and then probably agreed that most people would have preferred to see her, because why wouldn’t they?”
Almost there. The past tense had been hard, but still those first tendrils of denial to creep back in. Kara couldn’t allow that to happen, for her own sake and for Carter’s, as well as everyone else.
“We may no longer have the joy of Cat’s presence, and believe me when I say that no one misses her more than I do. She did make me promise that we at CatCo would continue her legacy, and change the media landscape over and over again in her name. So tonight we honor both ability and compassion in reporting, bestowing this award on someone so deserving that it can only improve media as a whole.
“Nia Nal first crossed my path because of Cat, and we were both mentored by her and inspired by her every day. While my own responsibilities now lie in the boardroom instead of the newsroom, I can be confident that the values CatCo was built on are running through every journalist and every story that comes out of there.”
The applause was another thunderstorm, led by Alex and James. Kara looked to the wings where Carter stood on one side of her, so handsome in his suit and tie. Lois stood beside him, a careful hand placed on his shoulder even though he was taller than her. On the other side stood Nia, hands clasped and head down, centering herself before she’d be called in front of the crowd. They were all ready, so Kara just had to carry it home. No point dwelling on the empty house waiting for her, with its empty bed and a thousand precious memories. Some details were already starting to fade, just like those of Krypton had over the years. She had hoped that with so much practice grief would have come easily to her by now, but it still consumed her, leaving her as broken and unsteady as though a lump of Kryptonite had taken up residence in the cracks of her heart.
“Tonight is about the present, and most importantly about the future. In Nia, National City’s media can be sure that we have someone who will uphold the values of truth, justice, and not relying on too many commas. Anyone who’s ever been edited by Snapper Carr will know exactly what I mean by that.”
Kara gestured to where Carter was waiting, ready to announce him.
“So without further ado I’d like to welcome our son, Carter Grant, to the stage. It was his request to present this first award that bears his mother’s name, and I can’t think of anyone better to acknowledge her legacy.”
The room was in uproar then, on their feet as one to applaud this new development. Ever since he’d founded his charitable organization, Carter had kept a deliberately low profile. Which hadn’t stopped him being named National City’s most eligible bachelor three years in a row. Despite their different personalities, in many ways, he was inescapably Cat’s son.
“Thank you,” Carter said after Kara stepped aside and hugged him close. “You’ll have to excuse my Ma, we gave her the hardest job of anyone tonight, but I think she did really well. My mom would be really proud of her right now.”
It was that, in the end, that finished Kara off. She made it through the rest of the ceremony, leaving the stage a little too fast after going through the motions of congratulating Nia and leaving her to speak. Kara, for her part, didn’t hear a word. She fled to the hotel roof, speeding up the staff staircase with more recklessness than usual. It still didn’t take long for Alex to find her.
“You did good up there,” Alex said, coming to lean on the shaky railing next to Kara, with the confidence of someone who knew she’d be caught if the rickety thing did give way. In her elegant black pantsuit she was well matched to Kara’s own black gown; it was the only color Kara had even considered for tonight. “And nobody noticed you leaving upset, except Carter. He says to come find him if I suck at comforting you.”
“No one can comfort me, Alex.” Kara had been keeping that truth from them all for months, and saying it out loud felt like the opposite of the first time she ever flew. “I’ve lost so much, you’d think I’d be good at this, but Cat…”
“... was supposed to be invincible,” Alex finished for her. “God knows you two went through enough just to be together. And maybe losing the one person you really love, maybe that can hurt more than a whole planet. I don’t think there’s any logic to grief.”
“If this was a tacky sci-fi show, she’d come walking out from behind that wall over there,” Kara said, gesturing to the fire escape. “Tell me I was a fool for believing anything could really take her down. But I’m not going to get that, am I?”
Alex shook her head. “No. But you will get to a point where you remember the good things more. The years you did have together, the time with Carter… it’ll count for more than how crappy you feel right now. You’re the strongest person I know, Kara. And not just because you can lift this building.”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to just do this every day. Run her company, work in her office, protect her legacy…”
“Then don’t, if it’s too much. Cat would never be mad at you for looking after your mental health. She’d insist on it, in fact.”
“No, I know it’s the right thing,” Kara replied, rubbing her bare arms even though she couldn’t really feel the cold. Her powers were still there, just weakened by her mourning. She hadn’t flown since the funeral, and though Supergirl was far from the only hero on the roster these days, her absence from the skies had been noticed. It was testament to how the city felt about Cat and Kara that although many had made the connection, no one was talking in the media about Supergirl’s identity. Or maybe they’d stopped trying to find out after all this time. “And Carter is grown now, so this is the one baby left to raise. You saw what happened with Lena and Andrea. CatCo can’t be trusted to just anyone.”
“Okay.”
“Okay,” Kara agreed. “But can we stay up here a little longer? I’m not ready for all those people, not yet.”
“You got it,” Alex said, pulling Kara into a one-armed hug. Only then did she feel safe enough to let the tears finally come, knowing her sister would keep the whole world at bay if it tried to interrupt. In a little while Kara would paint her smile back on, go down to join Lois and Nia, talk to the reporters and collect the checks along with the handshakes, but not just yet.
On a night dedicated to Cat’s memory, Kara rubbed the wedding ring on her left hand and for the first time after all the aching and numbness, let herself truly miss the woman she loved.