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“ Since the beginning of time we were destined to be together. ”
Serendipity – JiMin
I had always heard about destined mates, and I have always known it to be true.
The first time I saw you, I was ten years old. Our parents were lifelong friends, but it was the first time you’d attended one of those meetings. I knew it from the first moment my eyes landed on you. You would be the only one for me, the one who had been made to be with me, even if I was too young and wasn’t even presented.
But I also knew that you, and incredible 18 year old alpha, wouldn’t notice someone like me. Not when by your side was the most beautiful omega I’d ever seen. You came with her today to introduce her. You were officially announcing your relationship to your family. It’s okay, as long as you are happy by his side.
You looked at me once, and I could see that you had noticed too. You had noticed that I was your destined mate, but you looked away quickly. That was the last time you laid your eyes on me in the time the meeting lasted.
It’s okay. Everything will be okay…
I’ve always been told that fairy tales have a happy ending. Nowadays I keep wondering who said that phrase.
It’s been 5 years since then and I’ve seen you sporadically. I’ve been presented as an omega, but still was futile. You and that girl had announced your engagement again at one of those meetings between the two families. I approached to congratulate both of you, with a big smile plastered on my face, and an immense pain in my chest. Was there a limit to how broken I could feel? And like the other time, our gazes met, and in them our wolves meet for the first time. An invisible strength drove me to approaching you, but I resisted, just I saw that you did the same thing. You quickly looked away and went with your partner.
I know, for me it’s still fine… From then on, I thought it would be nice not to be present anymore when these meetings took place. That afternoon I hide away in my room and didn’t go out for the rest of the night, not even at the grand acclaimed dinner. What I didn’t know was that my idea was going to be fulfilled.
It’s been a few years since our families don’t meet each other, although well, is not that there is where or whom to reunite. My parents died in a car accident the week after you announced your engagement, and I move in with my grandpa. I don’t even know if you came to the funeral, although I think I would have ignored you anyway. The hole in my chest was getting bigger with each passing day.
I wanted to be alone.
I didn’t see you again until I was 21. You looked beautiful, as always. You greeted me with the affection you would give to a brother, and I knew I would never have anything more from you. I began to accept that the only thing that could be was a simple acquaintance. You asked me how I was, and I bit my tongue, I had to tell so many things, I had kept them for years: my grandpas’ death when I turned into the adulthood, the lonely I was feeling, the cuts I had in my arms. But instead, I shut up again and asked you how married life treated you.
Your eyes glowed and you started talking about a lot of things, that, to be honest, I didn’t care about. All of them were about her. That afternoon we say goodbye with a hug, our wolves waving inside. Although I couldn’t have your love, at least our wolves loved each other.
Many times I wondered what the purpose of my life was. What plans did the Goddess Moon have for me? Would it be a matter of time before I was finally reciprocated? I begged for an answer, and finally it came to me two months later.
We met again. You looked even more radiant than the last time, you didn’t take long to tell me that your wife was pregnant; it was going to be your first cub. And as usual, I smiled and congratulated you, feeling the tears accumulate in my eyes.
At the same time I felt how my Wolf was getting more and more decayed. He said goodbye to yours through our eyes, I felt it. The rest of our conversation I spent without looking into your eyes.
Later on my way home. I felt like I was sinking on a bottomless pit, little by little. Was I not enough? Had I done something wrong in my previous life to deserve this? My wolf was wounded. Me too. How long should I resist this? How long should I look at you with a fake smile?
The answer didn’t take long again. I was crossing the road when a car went out of control. The last thing I saw before everything went black were the stars.
Always too young, always below and never up to your expectations. How do you move forward when you know that the person who was created exclusively to be with you, has another person and won’t ever see you the same way? Perhaps surrender is the answer to the questions that assail my mind every night. Wishing to see you again, and at the same time forget you, to take you out of my heart.
But how can I move on? If my heart was never mine, not since our eyes crossed for the first time. If I give it to you, will you come out of my mind? Will the light and the hope for a new future come back?
When I woke up, I was in the hospital. Aside from the physical pain, I felt a deeper, agonizing pain. The doctor told me that the accident had left me with serious sequels. One of them is that I won’t be able to have children.
The recovery was painful. It first began with the loss of my scent, and continued with depression. My nature, the reason I was born for, had been denied. There came a time when I felt like I was losing all connection with you, and that loss killed my wolf, too.
I had become a beta.
But everything would be fine, everything will be better now. You and I won’t need to be together anymore, even though we were never going to be together in the first place, so we can both move forward but… Why does my chest hurt so much? Why do I feel so lonely?
The doctor hadn’t said anything, but I know, my life is going to end soon.
At the end of two months, I was able to return home. The house my grandpa had left me in inheritance. I greeted my neighbors, and they left me in the care of their little cub. I felt so lonely and devastated that I didn’t take long to accept.
And as if fate hadn’t had enough, and enjoyed mocking me, you were there. You had come to visit your friends, who happened to by my neighbors. I saw you deteriorated.
Have you been sleeping badly? I can see your eye bags from this distance.
Are you eating well? You look thinner.
The little cub next to me ran toward his parents, and I say goodbye with an inclination, going inside my house. I felt your gaze on the back of my neck, but I didn’t turn around. I didn’t dare look you in the face and felt my chest screaming out for your help, help you would never give me.
That night was a full moon; it was a tradition to join your acquaintances and family to spend a good night, or to find a mate. A howl sounded outside. I knew it was you, but i didn’t want to do anything but lie in my bed.
When you started making pitiful noises, I knew you wouldn’t leave until I went out. And I understood, you came looking for your mate. But he was no longer here.
As a human, your heart was bound to your wife’s. On the other hand, your wolf only craved mine. On this night, when the wolves were taking control, you came for me, and I couldn’t help but shed a tear of happiness, which became a lacerating anguish.
I quickly went down to the street and met you. You were a beautiful wolf, as beautiful as your human form. You waved your tail happily, waiting for me to transform. I knelt beside you, hugged you and caressed your head. I wanted to smell the scent I had been looking for years, but I didn’t feel anything, even my sense of smell had stopped working. A tear fell on your dark fur.
“I know you’ve come looking for my wolf, but he is not here.” I said in a low, broken voice.
Your golden stare showed me how confused you were.
“He’s gone wolfie. I’m so sorry” I said crying, you quickly brought your nose to my chest, searching for my scent. “He couldn’t manage this situation, so many things have happened…”
That’s when you understood it, and I knew you were crying.
“I am so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect your mate. I’m so tired, wolfie…”
You came closer to me and cried in pain. After all your other half won’t come back. I said goodbye to you and went back into my house again, with your painful howls behind me, and I knew you would never be able to move forward while I was here. Your howls lasted all night.
The next morning I had trouble getting out of bed, breathing was a titanic effort. I breathed a relieved sigh, taking in air in a choppy way. I always wanted you to be happy, even today I still think it. It was time to move on.
I closed my eyes, and allowed myself to be a little selfish, dedicating a few words to you the first and last time.
“I love you YoonGi”.
My broken voice, although it was low, echoed through the house, and yet I still felt empty. I’ve always been alone, and I would die alone too.
That morning of March 9, my gift to you was the complete liberation of your soul. And letting out my last breath, and showing a last smile, my life came to an end.
Maybe things could have been different if we’d known each other before. Maybe if you had made the decision of breaking up with your girlfriend and wait for me we would have had our fairy tale ending, but you didn’t dare.
Maybe, if I had waited a few more minutes, I could have seen you, listened to what you had to tell me, the fact that you wanted to be with me it would have been like a balm to my soul, even though it would had been too late anyway.
Maybe things would have gone better or maybe not. Maybe if you had accepted reality long ago, things would have been different for both of us.
But life is unpredictable and everything ended as fast as it began. We were always fools, and in the end we didn’t know how to communicate.
And so, both of us lost each other forever.
“… Not all fairy tales have a happy ending ” .
Park JiMin