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When Ferus stepped off the cruiser into the spaceport, the first thing he saw was the golden sunlight filtering through the transparisteel ceiling. It was a low structured building and it was milling with beings but it didn’t feel crowded or cramped, and there were flowers and even trees planted along the walkways he followed to get his ID docs checked.
He’d never needed exactly that type of documentation before, but the Order had provided him with it before he left. As a private citizen he’d need some kind of proof of identity. They had asked if he’d wanted his original homeworld listed, but Ferus had declined. So under his name and species, he was listed as Coruscanti.
The Bellassan security agent smiled at him and told him to have a pleasant stay as he went through, and Ferus exited the spaceport into the even fresher air of Ussa, the capital. It seemed so bright: the sun was low but the buildings weren’t very tall and the many lakes glittered. The streets were wide and there was no sense of competition for space, unlike in the Mid and Outer Rim – and also unlike Coruscant and other heavily populated worlds in the Core, where it was difficult to feel like anyone but someone in a crowd annoying others.
Bellassa felt different.
Ferus breathed in and started walking. He needed food and board first.
###
The café was in the Cloud Lake district, and it was one Ferus thought he could like. It was something he felt like he was trying out, the very notion of liking things just because, but he’d decided already that he liked cities over the countryside. Maybe that was why he’d found himself back in the Core like this, and in Bellassa’s capital.
The Cloud Lake district wasn’t the busiest one, but all of Ussa was bustling. There were quite a few people in the café and Ferus was starting to feel a little flustered, because he was having difficulty deciding what to order. Liking things wasn’t easy – making choices was harder.
“Sorry”, he said again to the woman behind the counter, who didn’t seem all too bothered by Ferus’ hesitation. “What would you recommend?”
And then, startling him, a laugh came behind him: “why not both?”
Turning around, Ferus came face to face with a young man maybe a year or two older than him. His green-gray eyes were bright with amusement, and at Ferus’ apparent shock, he laughed again and came up next to him, smiling at the woman.
“He’ll have both”, he said, and then added, “I’ll have a roll and caf, please. What do you want to drink?”
That last question was at Ferus again, who could feel himself blush.
“You don’t have to –”
“It’s my treat”, the stranger said, smiling still. “Caf? Tea?”
“Caf”, Ferus agreed, not sure what was happening.
“Caf”, the man told the woman who laughed a little, took the payment, and sent their order along to one of her coworkers.
Ferus stepped aside with the person apparently paying for his breakfast to let the people next in line place their own orders, and when he turned to look at him again, he found that was being watched right back.
“I’m Roan”, he said. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. But you look like you could use a guide.”
This time, Ferus had to smile back. “Thanks”, he said. “I’m Ferus.”
###
Roan inserted himself into Ferus’ life easier than Ferus would have ever expected him to and Ferus couldn’t help but let him. It was easy to. Roan had explained that first day as they ate that he could tell that Ferus was overwhelmed because he had “the same look” in his eyes as one of his brothers sometimes got, and he had wanted to help.
Ferus got to know a lot of things about Roan in the span of only a few days. Roan had a big family, Roan had a lot of friends, and Roan had a sense of humour that Ferus sometimes couldn’t keep up with.
Ferus had never been very good at that kind of thing. In the Order, humour wasn’t an essential trait, and he had never really gotten an opportunity to learn how to tease and banter with the other Padawans. Siri had started to get him to loosen up, but then he’d left, and in leaving Ferus had found himself clamping down on himself again.
Something about Roan, though, made him laugh.
###
His Jedi training kicked in before he even had a chance to think. He felt the hand on his shoulder and he whirled around, his own hands up in the Ataru ready position, even though the lack of his lightsaber made the posture awkward.
Not quite as awkward as he felt when he saw Roan’s surprised expression. Roan spread his hands with an uncertain laugh. “Whoa, sorry –”
Ferus grimaced faintly as he straightened up, but his heart was still pounding a little fast. He wasn’t used to this, to being touched so casually. Definitely not to being grabbed in that friendly, easy way Roan liked to do. But this was the first time he’d been so caught off guard and he felt embarrassed by his reaction.
“It’s okay”, he said quickly, not sure what to do now with his hands. He stuck them in his pockets, thinking at least then he wouldn’t be able to do something else stupid with them. “You, um. You just startled me.”
“Yeah, I could tell”, Roan said, his eyebrows raised, and the way he looked at Ferus made Ferus feel studied, seen right through. He didn’t like it. Roan didn’t know he’d been a Jedi, and neither did anyone else, and Ferus didn’t want to talk about it. But Roan seemed to sense his unease, so after another second, he let it go. “Hey, I was just going to ask if you wanted to come to dinner tomorrow. My mom wanted to invite you.”
Ferus blinked. “Really?”
Roan smiled and stepped closer, but he seemed mindful not to touch Ferus, for the moment. “Yeah. She doesn’t like the thought of anyone having dinner alone.”
Ferus had found a small apartment in the southern-most district. There wasn’t a lot in it, but Ferus had never felt a need to change that. As a Jedi, he’d never had many possessions. And he still wasn’t sure how long he’d stay on Bellassa.
It made him feel a little awkward. He liked Roan and the others he’d been introduced to, but he felt a little disingenuous to make friends with them if he couldn’t be sure that he was really staying.
At the same time there was something about Roan that drew Ferus in, that Ferus really couldn’t say no to.
Besides, he’d learned this as a Jedi, too: when food arrives, eat.
“Okay”, he said, returning the smile and feeling his nerves settle. “Tell her she’s very kind.”
“Tell her yourself”, Roan said, and when he pointed with his chin and they started walking, he seemed to take a chance and lightly bumped his shoulder to Ferus’. Ferus didn’t mind it. “It’s in the Lightbird district. I’ll send you the address.”
###
There were several food stalls around Bluestone Lake, and when Roan found out Ferus hadn’t had a rua berry tart, he dragged him there the next day.
It was overcast and a little dark, but the sun that sometimes peeked through the clouds glittered on the water and made Ferus smile. Roan was smiling too, but he was always smiling. It was a quality about him that Ferus really liked, that he admired. He’d never smiled as much as he had on Bellassa, but Roan made it easy. His smile was contagious.
And now Roan was looking at him in a way that was sunnier than the sun itself, when he handed him the little pastry after having paid the vendor. He’d bought one for himself, too, but he seemed to wait until Ferus had peeled back part of the wrapper to do that with his own.
“What if I’m disappointed?” Ferus asked, but he was teasing. “You’ve set the bar pretty high.”
Roan shook his head, pointed at Ferus with the tart he was holding. “Trust me. This will change your life.”
That was an exaggeration, and they both knew it. That was part of Roan’s charm.
Ferus looked at him in a way that said we’ll see, but then he lifted the tart to his mouth and took a bite. It smelled sweet, but the taste was … it was sweet, but the pastry had salt in it to balance it out, and the combination enhanced every part of it.
It wasn’t going to change Ferus’ life. But it did make him take another bite, and Roan laughed as he bit into his own.
“Good, right?”
“Very good”, Ferus agreed when he’d swallowed, and Roan looked happy.
###
Ferus was putting his vioflute back in its case when Roan came up to him. He must have come from the back, because Ferus hadn’t seen him, but he’d circled him so Ferus would. This time, when Roan said hi, and took hold of Ferus’ arms, Ferus wasn’t startled by it at all.
Ferus gave Roan’s forearms a little squeeze before he let go. It was a Bellassan greeting, to take hold of each other’s forearms, and Roan had only started doing that to him recently. It was a greeting for close friends, he’d said. Not strangers, not just anyone.
It made Ferus happy to reciprocate.
“I didn’t know you played”, Roan said when he stepped back, looking curiously at the vioflute case that was still open.
“It’s a little personal, I guess”, Ferus said. But even as he said it he found that he didn’t mind that Roan knew, or that he was asking. “I like to play to calm down.”
Roan looked at him that way again, that studying way, but Ferus wasn’t so unnerved by it. And instead of really asking, Roan said, and he was teasing a little, “that makes sense. You seem like you think too much.”
Ferus blushed a little, at that. “You’re probably right.”
Roan smiled at him to show him that he didn’t mean it as a bad thing, even though Ferus already knew. “So are you any good?”
Ferus only considered it for a moment. “Do you want to hear?”
Surprise flitted over Roan’s face, but then his smile grew softer, a little more private between them. A smile that was only meant for Ferus. “Yes.”
It made something just as soft unfurl in Ferus’ chest. He trusted Roan, he realized, in that exact moment, leaning down to pick up the vioflute again. He trusted Roan, and he wanted to open up more to him.
He put the instrument against his shoulder, held it firm with his chin. His eyes went to Roan’s, and Roan was watching him when Ferus plucked at the strings. A little meandering, at first, just to warm back up. Then he launched into a melody.
He was looking at the strings, but he thought Roan was mostly looking at his face.
###
They were sitting together on one of the walls along the edge of a park that overlooked one of the lakes. It was a low wall, wide and made of white stone, and functioned more like a very long bench than any kind of division, even though the walkway was just next to it and the park and all its greenery was on the other side. Ferus was sitting with one leg on either side, and Roan was sitting with his back to the trees, his eyes on the part of Ussa you could see across the water.
Ferus was watching his profile.
They’d been talking. Roan had told him about his family. After Ferus had met them, he’d seen them more and more often. Roan’s parents kept inviting him for dinner – at first it was him and Roan there, and Roan’s younger siblings, but without any real warning Ferus was soon invited to the family dinners that included Roan’s older siblings too, twins that had moved out a while ago. It made Ferus feel humbled and grateful to be so welcomed into the family, but part of him wondered about it. His own lack of a family was so apparent, and he never really talked about it. Maybe they thought that he was lonely. They wouldn’t be wrong, but at the same time …
And now Roan had told him about how his little sister had chosen to become a medic, and how she was nervous about the application to the school she wanted to go to. Ferus really cared, of course, because he cared about all the members of the Lands family, not just Roan, but there was a silence now created by the void that Ferus didn’t fill with any kind of mirrored story.
That made him wonder, too. If Roan felt bothered by it, by Ferus’ secrecy. Not just that, though: Ferus was finally starting to feel bothered by it himself.
Roan never pressured him, but there was something in his eyes now. Ferus wasn’t sure if he imagined it or not. But he had an urge anyway, suddenly. To say something. To make it go away, both in Roan’s eyes and what he imagined was his own.
“I have … a big sister”, he said, and he heard the hesitation in his own voice. Roan turned to him quickly, surprised, but Ferus looked away from him. He searched for the words in his mind before he said them out loud, his eyes drifting down Roan’s arm, looking at his fingers splayed on the stone. “She’s still on Coruscant.”
“… do you miss her?” Roan asked, after a moment. Ferus nodded. Roan leaned his head down a little, trying to catch Ferus’ eyes. “Why don’t you go see her?”
Ferus grimaced. “I can’t really explain why, right now. But I can’t.”
Roan looked like he wanted to ask. His mouth opened, then closed, and there was a frown there when Ferus looked up again.
They looked at each other for what felt like a long moment. Roan seemed troubled. Ferus felt a little scared.
Then Roan said, “you know, sometimes all this mystery makes me wonder if you’re some kind of secret mastermind criminal.”
And it made Ferus laugh. Maybe a little more than he should have, but he was relieved. He shook his head. “I’m not”, he said. “I’m really not.”
Roan hummed. “That sounds just like what a secret mastermind criminal would say.”
Ferus snorted and shoved lightly at Roan’s shoulder. Roan just bumped back, and Ferus made to shove at him again, except something in him stilled when he realized that he was holding onto Roan’s arm.
He let his hand drop, and he lightly covered Roan’s wrist with his hand. He wasn’t sure what compelled him to do it, but he felt the atmosphere quiet between them. Roan turned his hand around so their palms met, and Ferus’ heart started beating more quickly in his chest.
He held Roan’s hand, and then looked up again, to find Roan’s eyes on his. Softer now. Kind and warm.
“I’m glad you told me”, Roan said.
###
It was a late night and the streets of Ussa were quiet. Two of Bellassa’s three moons were visible high in the sky, and Ferus could tell from the light that the last one was just below the horizon.
Roan was walking Ferus home. Not that he needed to, and Ferus never asked him to, but it was a way for them to continue their conversations. It was another way to spend more time together.
Ferus’ apartment was in the district opposite from where Roan lived, so their walk took them through the usually bustling city that was now almost empty. Bellassans went to bed early to rise before the sun, to take full advantage of the long, golden afternoons. But Ferus and Roan had lost track of time again.
They entered the Commons, the grassy park at the very center of Ussa. They could walk around it or through it, but there was never really any discussion. It was a park they both liked.
It was Roan who saw it, who looked up. He stopped, and Ferus stopped next to him, looking up into the dark sky. “What?”
“Meteorite, I think”, Roan said, but he remained standing like that, just looking.
Ferus did the same. His eyes scanned the starry sky. The constellations had been new to him – they looked different from planet to planet. He’d only recently started learning about them. But the planets he could see, and thought he could place.
There was Samaria. Baraboo, the closest neighbour to Bellassa. He stopped at one that he couldn’t recognise immediately, wondering.
Roan touched his shoulder, just fleeting. “What are you thinking?”
“That planet”, Ferus said, pointing. “Which one is it?”
Roan had to stand a little closer to Ferus to see, but he shrugged. “Corellia?”
“Corellia should shine blue. This one is too orange.” Roan looked at him, and when Ferus turned to look back, he found Roan looking at him in that way again, the way that was so curious. Ferus smiled faintly. “And I think Corellia should be on the other side of Bellassa this time of year.”
Roan sucked in a breath around his teeth, but he was smiling back. “You’re weird, Ferus.”
Ferus ran a hand through his hair and looked up again, to avoid Roan’s gaze, just for a moment. “I’m not that weird. I don’t know everything.”
“No, knowing everything would make you weird”, Roan agreed with a soft laugh.
Ferus reached out blindly next to him and shoved at Roan, but Roan sidestepped him and came up behind him instead, resting his chin on his shoulder. Probably to get another look at the planet, from Ferus’ point of view. Ferus only tensed for a second, then he relaxed. Roan was warm, and something about feeling his breath so close to his neck made Ferus feel like he shouldn’t move. That he didn’t want to move.
He leaned back against Roan, who loosely wrapped an arm around him. Ferus thought back on holding Roan’s hand, and he still had Roan’s laugh in his ears, and he felt almost overwhelmed. It wasn’t a single feeling, but a combination of them. Something he couldn’t place immediately. It made his heart beat and his mind buzz like static.
Nervously, Ferus turned around. Roan let him and just caught him again, his arms weaving around Ferus’ back, and Ferus wrapped his own arms around Roan’s waist in turn. He felt so drawn to him in that moment. He thought his heart would burst out of his chest, but Ferus also knew that he wouldn’t want that feeling to go away. It made him feel present and alive.
They hugged for a long moment, neither of them saying anything. It was Ferus who broke away first, blushing.
“We should get going”, he said, breaking the silence as well as the contact. Roan’s eyes darted around Ferus’ face and he looked like he was going to say something, but decided against it.
“Right”, he said instead, and nudged at Ferus’ feet with one of his own in a playful way before he started walking. Ferus walked next to him. “At this rate we’ll be here all night.”
###
Ferus wrestled with his feelings for a long time before he finally realized it: he was attached to Roan. What he felt for Roan was a myriad of things, but it all amounted to attachment.
It was a strange feeling to him. Not because he’d never felt it before, because he had: for Siri, for Darra and Tru, for the Order itself. It was strange because he’d always known that he wasn’t allowed to feel it except … for the first time, he was.
If he wanted to.
If he allowed himself to.
###
“I used to be a Jedi Padawan”, Ferus said before he could take the words back. He’d stopped Roan on the path with a touch to the arm and was looking at him now. At Roan’s widening eyes and the way his mouth opened, like he was trying to understand.
Ferus gave him a moment, but he felt nervous doing it. He wondered about their friendship crumbling. Not that he could think of any reason that it would, exactly, but there was still something there – a feeling that saying something this big to someone had to have consequences.
“You – used to?” Roan asked, when he found his voice again.
Ferus took a deep breath and nodded. “I left. About a year and a half ago.”
“You can leave?”
The confusion in Roan’s voice put Ferus on the defensive. He knew Roan didn’t mean anything by it, but he still felt himself tense. He’d had his reasons for leaving, and the Jedi Order wasn’t perfect, he saw that now, but he didn’t like the implication.
“It’s not a prison”, he said.
He’d tried to keep the defensiveness out of his voice, but Roan must have heard it anyway, because he looked apologetic. “I’m sorry”, he said. “It’s just … I’ve never heard of that happening before.”
“It’s not very common”, Ferus admitted. “And I wasn’t important enough to be news.”
That wasn’t exactly a lie. The death of a Jedi Padawan on Korriban had been in the news. But they hadn’t released any names, and his resignation had been a few days later, and it had probably gotten lost or they hadn’t thought to connect the dots.
“Why did you leave?” Roan asked, and his face was filled with both questions and wonder, and Ferus told himself not to flinch. He’d anticipated that question.
“I don’t want to talk about that”, he said. And hurried to add, “not yet. But … I realized I didn’t want to be a Jedi. So I left.”
Roan looked at him for a moment longer, and then, finally, he smiled. “You know, this explains a lot.”
Ferus laughed, but it sounded nervous even to his own ears. “It does?”
“It really does. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t exactly have normal skills.”
This time, Ferus’ laugh was more sincere. “I know. I mean, I realized it quickly.”
Roan took a step closer to Ferus and took his hands, easily. Like it was no big thing at all to do. Like it didn’t make Ferus’ world stop spinning for just a moment.
Ferus held on.
“So, your sister …”
Ferus nodded. “My Master.”
“That makes sense.” Roan was still processing the information, Ferus could tell. But he appreciated that Roan was there, that he was holding onto him. That they were still friends. “I guess it’s not so easy to go back. The Jedi seem pretty private.”
“If you’re not cleared to enter the Temple …” Ferus sighed. “Anyway, she’s probably on missions. And I think it’s better if I don’t go back.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. I think it would make me doubt that I did the right thing.”
Roan smiled again and weaved their fingers together.
“You did the right thing”, he said. “I’m happy you’re here.”
###
It was the night of the annual comet. Ferus had heard about it before, but he’d never seen it, and Roan insisted he had to join in on the festivities. The night of the comet was a bit of a celebration, with the streets and shops and lakes decorated with light. Ussa seemed even more golden than usual in the sunset, and Roan had his arm around Ferus’ shoulders when he walked him to his favourite spot.
“It’s a good time for your first Lightbird sighting”, he said, grinning. The comet had an official name, but it was known traditionally as the Lightbird, because of the way it looked streaking across the sky. It had given name to a species of birds native to Bellassa, too.
There were no records of when the comet first showed up. It seemed like it had always been there, Roan had said. The story of the very first Lightbird was one that was still told to Bellassan children.
“Why, because of the weather conditions?” Ferus asked, knowing that probably wasn’t it.
“Because it’ll come during the night”, Roan said, giving Ferus a little nudge. “Sometimes it’s at dawn. Then you can barely see it.”
“So because of the timing conditions”, Ferus amended, and he laughed when Roan nudged him again.
“Yes, fine, because of the conditions.”
They made it to the top of a hill, outside of Ussa. Ferus thought he could probably see the whole city from up there, and Roan let go of him but took hold of his wrist instead, to guide him a little further.
“We’re almost there”, he said. There was something in Roan’s voice Ferus didn’t hear all that often, something a little shy. “The others will join us in an hour or so. I wanted to show you first.”
“Show me what?”
Roan just smiled at him and tugged him along. Ferus didn’t mind.
The grass seemed endless behind them, but there were trees too and birdsong surrounded them. They spent the next few minutes in silence. Ferus was busy taking it all in – Bellassa had such a simple beauty about it that he was only now starting to really appreciate, to see in all the details.
It struck him that he could make Bellassa his home, if he wanted to.
He’d thought about it before, of course. About staying rather than leaving, like he’d left every other planet until then. But he hadn’t thought about it like that before. With that word. Home.
He felt warmed by the thought, and when Roan stopped but didn’t let go of his hand and instead gestured towards Ussa with his free one, Ferus felt certain.
The angle from this vantage point made three of the lakes line up. The setting sun was reflected in each of them and the lights all over Ussa and on the lakes was breath-taking.
“Wow”, he said, because that was all he could really think to say. He felt Roan squeeze his hand, and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling even if he would have wanted to.
There was a soft laugh beside him from Roan that said pretty much the same thing. Ferus had noticed it about Roan, that he laughed often, but the way his laughter sounded changed its meaning. This one was affectionate, he thought, but when he turned to look at Roan there was so much more there.
Roan’s eyes were almost as bright as the lights below them. Ferus felt his breath stop a second time. When Roan took a step towards him and his eyes moved to Ferus’ mouth, the realization hit Ferus hard: that what he had with Roan, it wasn’t just a friendship. It was a friendship, it was the best friendship Ferus had ever had, but it was more than that.
He struggled to think, to put words to it. Before he’d be forced to confront it he simply caught Roan in a hug.
Roan hugged him back. They stood there for a while, and Ferus’ mind was racing.
###
It was when Roan was cheering at the comet that Ferus finally came to understand something substantial. Everything else was still a blur to him, he couldn’t see all the facts clearly, all his feelings, but one thing became clear.
He looked at Roan, at the way the low light carved his smile out from the night around them, at his bright, warm eyes and at his wide, laughing smile, and he knew he wanted to kiss him.
He knew that Roan wanted to kiss him, too.
An old part of Ferus, that was trained in the Jedi way, was telling him that he shouldn’t. That even if it wasn’t strictly wrong, it couldn’t be encouraged. That it was risky.
But a newer, bolder part of Ferus enjoyed it. Enjoyed the sensation of mutual want. Of knowing that he had the freedom to take this step.
And he enjoyed the nervous way his heart raced too, when he found Roan more captivating than the Lightbird comet.
###
The problem with not having normal skills was that Ferus wasn’t entirely sure how to go about kissing Roan, now that he’d realized he wanted to. And now when he’d realized it he thought about it often. It would have bothered him before, the way his mind was wandering. He felt so distracted. He’d zone out when people were talking to him, particularly if Roan was there.
Roan noticed, he was sure of it. There were many times where Roan caught him looking at him and Ferus looked away with an embarrassed smile. He hoped Roan didn’t get the wrong idea, that Ferus didn’t like him, but he didn’t feel quite ready to bring it up, to talk about it, or to … do something.
Or he didn’t until a few days later when it was just the two of them and it suddenly became unbearable not to do anything.
He’d caught Roan looking at him, and then Roan had looked away, and Ferus felt how much he didn’t want Roan to have to do that – that he wanted Roan to look, if that’s what Roan wanted to do.
To look at him. Like that. Like he wanted him.
“Wait”, he said suddenly, when Roan made to keep walking. They were headed for Roan’s parents’ house, for another dinner, but they weren’t in a hurry. “Wait, just … stand here”, he said, not really sure where he was going with it.
Roan looked confused, but stopped. “Okay.”
Ferus took a deep breath and took a step closer to him. It was a little closer than what was exactly acceptable. Roan’s eyes didn’t leave his.
“You want to kiss me”, he said.
Roan swallowed. “Yeah.”
Ferus bit his lip. “Okay. Good. I want to kiss you.”
This made Roan laugh, but it came out a little halting. Nervous. “But …”
“But … I was a Jedi”, Ferus said, and he laughed too, very quietly. “I’m not very good at this.”
Roan let out a breath, but his smile was still there, when he shook his head. “No, you’re not”, he said, but he leaned in a little, and when his hands came to rest on Ferus’ forearms, Ferus touched him back. He moved his own hands to Roan’s upper arms and squeezed gently.
It wasn’t the right way to do the gesture, but that didn’t matter. Roan moved his hands to Ferus’ upper arms, too. It brought them closer again. Ferus felt nervous, but … in an excited, eager way. Was it possible to be both frightened and excited at the same time? It had to be, because that’s what he was feeling.
“I’m not”, he said back, voice dropping. Roan’s eyes were so close, and so kind and warm like always. Ferus couldn’t look away.
Roan’s smile turned both softer and brighter at the same time. “Do you want me to kiss you?”
“Yes”, Ferus said. “Please.”
And then Roan did. He leaned in and pressed his lips against Ferus’. It was soft and sweet and it didn’t last long enough, but he squeezed Ferus’ arms when he moved back and searched his face, like he was afraid he’d scared Ferus somehow.
It was completely the opposite. Ferus felt like his body was thrumming, and like he was alive with it.
“Thanks”, he said, without really thinking. Roan burst into laughter.
“Thanks?”
Ferus started laughing too. But he tugged Roan in again by his arms, still holding onto him, and Roan quieted enough for Ferus to get to kiss him back.