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It was the grossest day she could remember: classic cold, rainy, and grey. As much as she wanted to pretend the flu she had to go to work (the kid’s big end of semester projects were due and she didn’t want a sub grading them), and then Thai-Chi with Marg, and then her brother’s promotion dinner. Rob had been working at the University since he graduated and had finally been upgraded from adjunct professor to Professor, and Sansa had never been happier for him; especially because with the extra money he could finally propose to Marg, and stop dragging Sansa to ring shops every couple months where they looked way too alike for it not to be a bit creepy.
So it was crap outside and she felt crap but Sansa convinced everyone she saw that she was having the best day, all smiles for students and friends and the man at Sweetgreen even after he forgot to add kale to her mix and her entire family. All smiles through rough-gnawed-on lips because it was the one tell she hadn’t been able to break.
When she got home she allowed the mask to fall away slowly, she sat on her bottle green couch and slid down until her head hit the back, then she popped off her pumps and wriggled out of her jeans. She had convinced everyone. No one had remembered what this date meant to her. January was Sansa’s dark month, and usually everyone remembered it with annoying frequency, just last week her mom had been over twice and Arya had called on her way home every day. Sansa loved her family, she really did, but Sansa also needed time to grieve in peace. January 12th was the day she decided to leave her abusive ex-boyfriend and he had decided to leave her in the hospital. It had taken a month for her jaw to heal and she hasn’t drunk a smoothie since.
Sansa didn’t like thinking about a whole month as a black cloud of sadness, but her therapist said it was okay; trauma needed space and slowly that space would shrink. The year before all of winter had been hard so she was at least making progress. Today Sansa let the trauma have the whole room, Sansa let the trauma have the room and the porch and the non-claw-foot-tub and the front lawn. Sansa let the sadness and anger and fear leach out into the open. Then she got up, put the kettle on and changed into what she called a nightgown and what her sister called a comfy sac. Three cups of ginger tea and a sleeve of frozen thin mints later Sansa picked up her phone to cue her Smith’s and slow ABBA songs playlist (what she has a large sad song variety) and noticed that one person had remembered the exact date and what it meant to Sansa. Of course it would be the man who had driven her to the hospital that day and stayed by her side until her entire family had rushed in. Of course it would be Jon.
Jon: Hey you seemed off at dinner and I just wanted to check in on how you are
Jon: I know you’re tough but it must be hard being happy for everyone else when today is… what it is for you
She decided to reply because she couldn’t imagine not replying. Talking to Jon wasn’t a chore, it was just the first things she felt and thought pouring out.
Sansa: you caught me lol I’m pretty okay though
When she thought about it, really she was okay. Sansa had never been suicidal or entertained thoughts of hurting herself in the more obvious ways, her PTSD played out in anxiety and depression and a brain fog that somedays wouldn’t leave her alone. She wished Brianne was home but she was still away in London with her boyfriend. Brianne was the only non-family member (Marg was at least going to be family) who knew the entire story, she had been one of the police officers to interview her the next day and when her case wrapped Sansa had taken her out to coffee.
Sansa: honestly Jon are you free for a bit, I’m okay really but I’d rather not be alone
He replied almost immediately saying he’d be over in 10. The best thing about living in a small city was that everyone she loved was close by. She wondered if she should change or put on a bra or clean her kitchen sink, but instead she half watched a video on “how to cook an entire meal with a blender” and practiced her calming breaths.
The knock on the door startled her more than it would any other day, but she reminded herself that heightened instincts weren’t a bad thing to have. She had grown so much from even just six months ago, when she let anyone in her apartment after nightfall. Jon announced himself like he always did-- so she wouldn’t have to feel like a coward looking through the peephole.
“It’s Jon, just Jon” yes just Jon she thought as she opened the door, her heart pounding more from excitement than adrenal fear. He looked just as beautiful as always in all his soft plaid man-bun curling beard glory. “Hi Jon, hi” and she broke into her first real smile of the day “you came”
“as you knew I would goose” everything about him became soft when she hugged him, soft careful arms and hands soft breath by her ear “hello goose”.
The goose name had started almost before she could remember. There was a period of time when she went through an anxious childhood phase: worrying about cookies burning moments after she put them in, or her shirt that got a stain at school, or picking up each earthworm on the road after a storm so they wouldn’t be squished. Her entire family took to calling her silly goose, and Jon had never stopped calling her by the endearment, just dropping the silly when he went away to university. Sansa could still remember seeing him on that first break back from Uni, he was ruffling Rickon’s hair when she ran through the family room after school-intent on grabbing her cello to practice before dinner. She remembered the smile that curled out the “hi goose”, the warmth that unexpectedly unfurled in her gut. Maybe Sansa had always loved Jon just a little bit differently than the rest of her family did, maybe Sansa dated boys so unlike Jon just to prove this false, maybe for the past two and a half years Sansa had thought maybe, just maybe, Jon loved her a little differently too.
Nothing had happened, nothing besides spending more and more time together. Nothing except that her father had called Jon Sansa’s boyfriend the other day in front of the rest of the family, and no one but Sansa had rushed in to correct him. These days her family had been glancing her way with insufferable looks plastered on their faces whenever Jon said anything to her, tonight at dinner she hadn’t been in the mood and had kicked Bran under the table after the umpteenth smirk.
“Jon”
they ended up on the couch, facing each other, Sansa sipping lukewarm tea and Jon tracing the lining of a yellow pillow in his lap. With Jon there was always shy smiles and silence and it fit Sansa’s mood tonight. Jon was one of the only people Sansa enjoyed being quiet around, he made it seem okay, and it quieted the people pleaser in Sansa to just be with someone without having to host.
“You remembered.”
“Of course” he picked a little harder at the lining “I could never forget something so important to you” Sansa smiled bigger this time and set her tea down in order to skootch closer to Jon, it was something new she was trying-pushing her own physical boundaries in order to test how comfortable she was around Jon. Some days it was still hard to even hug Robb or interact with her male teaching assistant, but with Jon she was really trying and tonight she wanted, no needed to feel close to him. To feel close to someone she loved. To being touching someone she knew loved her. To test this, Sansa reached out and took the pillow out of Jon’s hands, when he looked up confused she moved until she was tucked into his side and rested her head in the crook of his shoulder. “Thank you Jon, not just for tonight but for that night four years ago, and for always coming over when I ask, for going grocery shopping for me when I can’t get out of bed, and for pretending to like my cat and for…” here Sansa trailed off and leaned back a bit to look into Jon’s eyes “Jon I love you. I wanted to say it today because I’ve wanted to say it for a while. Maybe my sadness gives me extra courage today and what I’m saying is that I loved you before well all the bad stuff and I love you even more now and you don’t have to say any...” At this she trailed off again as Jon cradled her face “Sansa, Sansa yes I love you too. I have loved you as the person closest to my heart for a long time now. Oh Sansa” and at this he leaned in and kissed her forehead each cheekbone the tip of her chin and behind her left ear before burying his face into her hair. Sansa pulled away only to laugh, she was so overwhelmed, because today she knew that Jon Snow loved her.
And then when he moved his mouth across hers she felt sparks down into her toes. Everywhere his mouth touched electrified, and she dragged his hair out of its tie and buried her fingers into his curls. They kissed drunk with their happiness until his foot knocked over her tea cup scaring her cat. “Sansa I promise I didn’t mean to do that I like your cat, it’s just that she doesn’t seem to like me.”
“Jon, will you come to bed” and she held out her hand, for once not worried about the answer.
They fell asleep that night, under a sky that continued to rain, after hours of lazy kisses, her in the nightgown him in an old set of Rob’s sweat pants, tangled up in each other and feeling like the two luckiest people in the world.