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Blood dripped. Dink against the laminate floor. Where it was coming from, I didn’t know anymore. My head? My arms? It was just there. Everywhere. Down my arms it flowed. Drip. Drop. My feet shuffled me slowly towards the end of a hallway. I had to get outside. Get air. That would make it all better. I gritted my teeth, a dull ache starting up in my jaw. Inch by inch I made it down the hall. No one was stopping me, no one was there.
Outside met me with crisp air, so cold it felt like fingers hand reached inside of me and were burning my lungs with each touch. I looked down. Clothed in a thin hospital gown and nothing else, I could see every square inch of me. I was filthy. Dirt and grime mingled with the blood. I picked at my nails: a subconscious trait from a time when cleanliness was a thing, I suppose.
Before. Before all this. Whatever this was.
My mind wandered, observing everything, yet absorbing none. Leaves were falling out of the trees. The cold air made my warm breath into little puffs as I exhaled. The sky was the sky. My nose burned from the cold, limiting my sense of smell. Probably not a bad thing at the moment. One more sense assaulting me and I would shatter. I was numb, but still could feel the feelings deep beneath the wall I had built within me. I could feel the dirt beneath my feet, saw the cigarette butts that littered the area near the door. I could feel the cold. But other than that?
Nothing.
A team of men came rushing towards me, shouting words I couldn’t process. I watched them with blank eyes. Their guns were pointed at me, but I didn’t care anymore. They would do as they pleased, that’s just how it went; how it always went.
A man wearing blue armor approached slowly. He kept his blue eyes locked in to my own. I lowered my head. It didn’t matter what came next, I told myself. The thunk of boots on dirt came closer and closer, until they stopped just within eyesight. My head rose slowly, meeting his eye once more. His lips were moving, but I still couldn’t understand so I just shook my head. I wanted him to just leave me alone. Let me die. I wasn’t worth saving or harming further.
All thoughts left me when he scooped me up into his arms. He radiated heat. My eyelids drooped with the sudden surge of exhaustion and the safe feeling that emanated from the blue eyed, blue clothed man. I wasn’t expecting that. I hadn’t known what I was expecting, but it wasn’t being picked up and carried. I hadn’t been touched so gently in a long, long time. Was I saved? His pace picked up, as did his heartbeat, but he carried me as if I were nothing.
His lips continued to move constantly. With every step, his words became clearer and clearer. “Come on kid, work with me now.” He grunted, rubbing my arm. I bit my lip. I wanted to respond but wasn’t quite sure if I could. I tugged at his sleeve instead. A small smile broke out on his face and the lines on his face relaxed a bit. “There we go.” He lowered his voice.
“Are you okay?”
I was thawing. Tears pricked at my eyes. The trickle of emotions came with them.
I shook my head. I was too tired to pretend anything anymore. Too tired to do anything but stay curled up in the man’s arms.
“We’ll take care of you.” He murmured and held me closer to his chest. “Rest now.”
I awoke some time later. I was no longer in the man’s arms, but in a bed instead. The sheets were clean and white. I could feel the bandages wrapped around everything that hurt and the pulse of the emitter as it tried to heal what it could. I blinked. My mind was still foggy, battling between feeling everything and nothing. When would it stop? I just wanted to stop.
The man was asleep in the chair next to my bed. His arm propped up his head, like he had been deep in thought just before nodding off. Who was this man? I didn’t dare break the silence. It wrapped around me like a cocoon. Safe. Protective. Time meant nothing.
The cocoon didn’t last. I shivered and my teeth chattered softly. That was enough to wake him up.
He jerked upright and watched me carefully. I could have drowned in those eyes, they were so blue. A mixture of sky and sea. His blue uniform had been exchanged for a white t-shirt and blue sweatpants. The man gave a half-hearted smirk.
“Sorry about that.” I blinked. What did he have to be sorry about? I tilted my head slightly. “I had meant to greet you when you woke up.” He scooted to the edge of his chair, closer to the bed I was laying on. “Angela patched you up as best as she could, but you were badly hurt.”
Was I?
“My name is Jack Morrison and I’m here to help you.” I looked away from Jack. The threads on my sheet becoming increasingly attractive. I started picking at a loose one. “It’s okay if you don’t feel up to talking. Just take your time. There will always be someone stationed in here with you in case you need to talk or anything else.” He rubbed the back of his head and chuckled nervously. “I’m sorry, I’m bad at this. Put me on the front lines, I can handle that. Taking care of a patient? Well, you see how well that’s going.”
My mouth twitched, a polite grin wanting to emerge out of habit. It didn’t stay for long. I appreciated the effort he was trying to put in, I really did. But a pit of darkness knotted inside me.
I wasn’t worth it. Why should he bother with me?
“Hey there,” His gentle tone brought me back to the hospital room. I lifted my hand to my cheek. Tears had started up again. Surely I should have floated away by now with all the useless tears I had shed? Useless tears for a useless person. Jack placed another blanket over me, tucking it around my body. “You’re okay. You’re safe now.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I wanted to words to flow, picked carefully and chewed over like the best fruit from the tree. But nothing was ripe. No words came out. Jack just patted my head.
“Seriously. Don’t push yourself.”
He sat in the bedside chair. He didn’t push me to talk, he just sat there, tapping away on his tablet. At some point during one of my dozing spells, he had turned on the tv. Cooking competitions filled the background, distracting me for a while. My body continued to heal up, but I was going to be stuck here for a while.
But did it matter?
A shaky breath escaped from me. My eyes finally took in my surroundings. Sterile. White. Hospital. Panic knotted my stomach and squeezed my chest. Breathing was uncomfortable. Had I imagined being rescued? Had I finally gone fully mad? A scream pierced my ears, I put my hands up to block it.
It was me.
I was the one screaming.
Every breath I took in came out as a screech. I wasn’t saved. I was right back where I started. I was messed up and there was no one to get me out, to save me from myself.
Someone new was pushing me back onto the bed. “Morrison! Ziegler! Get your asses back in here!” The voice scraped against my brain. I kept my eyes shut tight, trying to keep everything out. On instinct, I flailed. I fought. My nails caught against warm skin. “Damn it, NOW!” He roared. I flinched at the noise. My body launched itself off of the bed, trying to switch into flight mode.
False calm radiated from a pinpoint on my neck. “Kid,” A voice. “Kid, focus. Open your eyes.” That voice. I knew that voice. Sapphire eyes greeted me when I was willing enough to let the world in. “That’s right.” He whispered. “Focus on me. You are in a safe space. No one is going to hurt you.” I blinked a few times, trying to just focus on him. “Breathe, just follow my breathing.” I saw his eyes dart to a woman that was standing off in the corner. She nodded at Jack. “I’ll be watching over you,” her words were gentle, her German accent cozy.
My breathing slowed and I lowered my hands, resting them in my lap. Going between numbness and feeling everything had worn me out. Jack took one of my hands in his. “We aren’t going to let them hurt you anymore.”
The reassurance is just what I needed. I knew where I was. I was a bit more grounded. Even though, I had a long way to go, I still knew the thing that was most important in that moment.
I was safe.