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Buck shifts on his feet, wondering if he should really be doing this, but he can't back out because he's psyched himself up too much to chicken out now.
The cool autumn air around him doesn't help the fact he's already shaking with nerves, because now he's shivering from the cold, teeth chattering like the sound of skeleton bones in a children’s Halloween movie.
Buck’s palms are sweaty, he feels light-headed, his stomach feels queasy and he’s not sure if that’s because he hasn’t eaten all day or because he’s about to do something life-altering. He gags behind closed lips and swallows down his anxiety so that he can ring the doorbell.
He knows it's getting late and he doesn't want to be a bother but his brain won't stop thinking about it and he won’t be able to stop thinking about it until he talks to someone about it. He also hasn't been able to sleep well for the past two weeks because he keeps thinking and feeling all these things he’s never thought about or felt before and it’s making him second guess his entire existence.
Buck rings the doorbell and waits for it to be answered, hoping they went to bed early so he could bow out now before he makes a fool of himself. But then he hears the locks being unlocked and the door slowly opens in front of him.
Hen answers the door wearing a dark pink robe covering her pajamas and she smells sweet like wildflowers so she must have just finished getting dressed after her shower.
"Hey Buck, what's up?" Hen asks, breaking the silence.
Buck looks her up and down but he can't speak, he just stares at her with his lips pressed in a thin line across his face, like he's sick and trying to keep himself from vomiting, which isn't exactly too far a stretch from the truth. He knows he needs to say something soon though because Hen is giving him a worried look. Instead, he folds his arms over his chest to comfort himself and suddenly he feels a wetness roll down his cheeks.
"Buck, honey, why don't you come inside," Hen says quietly and Buck can only nod, not even registering that his feet are moving his body into the house.
"I—” He starts but chokes on a sob before he can say anything more. He's terrified about the conclusions he may come to and he wishes he would have died when the truck fell on his leg, maybe then he would be able to save himself from all this heartache.
Hen leads Buck into the dining room and sits him down at the dining table. She tells him that she'll be right back and quickly goes into the kitchen. He watches her through watery eyes as she goes toward one of the cabinets and from inside she grabs a blue-stained glass cup and then takes it to the sink and fills the empty glass a little over halfway with water and returns with the drink, gently placing it in front of Buck.
"Buck, whenever you're ready to talk, I'm right here." She says, taking a seat across from him and reaching out across the table to grab his hand.
Buck lets her hold his hand, staring down at her hand where her wedding ring is. It's a simple gold band with a beautiful diamond sitting on top. He wonders how being married feels because that is one thing he's yet to do. He knows what being in love feels like, he's only ever been in love with two people in his life and one of those people left him over a year ago and the other is his best friend and he doesn't want to lose him like he lost her.
Buck takes a deep breath, his shoulders rising high and his chest painfully filling his lungs with much-needed oxygen. The pressure on his chest feels heavy, almost as heavy as a firetruck, but unfortunately for him, this weighs much more and feels so much more painful than anything he's ever experienced in his life.
He bites his bottom lip as he tries to gather his thoughts so he can do what he came here to do.
"I don't know where to start." He finally admits after what feels like hours later.
Hen mutters something before asking, "is this about the tsunami?"
Buck shakes his head.
"No," he tells her but then rethinks that statement. "Well not exactly,” he adds, “this happened after the tsunami actually..."
Hen hums in partial understanding and waits for Buck to continue, thankfully with no judgment in her eyes.
"When did—” he pauses and shakes his head to retract that beginning statement. Then he tries again, "what made—” he stops again, biting his lip, and realizes he doesn't like that one either.
Taking one more deep breath Buck sighs, finally deciding on a question to lead with.
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
"How personal are we talking Bucko?" Hen asks him with a small grin.
"I... uh…" Buck stops himself once more.
"So, uhm, disclaimer," he tries again, "I'm not asking this to be a perv or anything, so just trust me on that, please," Buck begs, earning him a curious look from Hen.
"You can ask me anything Buck." She replies, softening her gaze.
Buck swallows down the last of his anxiety and forces himself to do what he came here to do.
"How did you know you were gay?" He finally manages to ask her but he keeps his gaze averted, not wanting to look Hen in the eyes should she be upset with him for asking that question.
But Buck’s ears aren't met with a disappointed hum or an angry remark. Instead, Hen lets out a sigh and then offers him a small smile.
"I always knew I was different, Buck,” she starts, “my girlfriends in school were starting to go boy crazy in junior high and they were all eagerly waiting for the day they'd get boyfriends. But I didn't feel any of that and never said anything until later in my life."
"But how did you know?" Buck asks again through newly formed tears.
"I guess I figured it out in college, and sure that's cliché as hell, but in college, I realized I could be anyone I wanted to be and since the campus was more liberal than the neighborhood I grew up in, I could be as open as I wanted to be about exploring my sexuality." She tells him and Buck nods, following along with her story.
Hen laughs and then smiles, "I met a woman, she was a little older than me, and she was already well versed in her sexuality by the time we met in our stats class. But I’d never felt anything so strong before and I knew I needed to try for my sake, so we dated for a little over two years and I just knew from then on that I would never feel that same love and attraction that I felt toward her to anyone of the opposite sex."
Buck nods, taking in the information Hen gives him, and when he feels like he’s starting to understand he decides to ask his next question.
"Were you scared, when you realized that you couldn’t have feelings for someone of the opposite sex?"
"At first, yeah…” Hen tells him, “I was scared but my feeling of fear couldn't compare to my feelings of relief and happiness when I finally figured out why I was different in the first place.” She says with a wide smile. “But it did take time for me to also realize that being different wasn't a bad thing or something to feel ashamed about."
Buck sniffles and nods again. He silently admires Hen for her bravery and hopes that one day he will feel as comfortable with his sexuality as she does with hers now.
Hen gives Buck a smile and squeezes his hand, encouraging him to continue as if she knows he has more questions for her. Which he does, so he doesn't take her encouragement for granted.
"How did you come out to your family?" Buck asks his next question, wondering if/when he should do the same.
Hen smiles sadly and Buck hopes he hasn't crossed the line.
"At first my mom wasn't too pleased; she didn't get mad or say anything nasty but I could tell she wasn't happy about it either. Seeing the disappointment on her face hurt the most." She recalls as her false smile turns into a frown.
"Did she ever come around?" Buck asks, now more interested in Hen’s story than about his own crisis.
Hen nods and lets out a breath.
"Yeah, she did. After I told my little sister that I was gay she was happy that I was happy but she was not happy that mom didn't feel the same way." She trails off, lost in thought for a moment and then chuckles, "so of course, she told our Mom off without me knowing and eventually she came around. But it took time and it wasn’t always a progression but she did it for me and I was happy that she did.” Hen sighs once more, “not many people can say the same thing about their parents."
Buck takes in a large breath and uses his shirt sleeves to dry the tears from his cheeks. He's no longer crying which is a good thing.
"Thank you Hen" He says with relief. He's so glad that he went to Hen to talk about this with her because now he feels a lot less shitty. Sure, he still feels shitty, but that's no longer because he's scared about realizing he’s bisexual so late into his 20's. Now, however, he's terrified about the idea that the man he fell in love with won't feel the same.
"You've recently had a gay awakening huh?" She asks with a grin.
Buck nods, laughing at himself. In hindsight, he didn't think Hen would catch on as quickly as she did, and that was a poor judgment on his part.
"But I'm terrified Hen." He tells her, his tone more serious than it’s ever been before. "I mean, thinking about it now I guess maybe I had a few crushes on some guys I met in the past but this just sort of happened. I was falling in love and I didn't even realize it until he touched my shoulder and looked me in the eyes and told me that he trusted me." Buck recalls the memory fondly and can still feel the weight of the man's hand on his shoulder, warm and comforting like everything else about him.
"Aw, Buckaboo." Hen coos, happy tears begin forming in the corner of her eyes. "You just gotta know, it does get better, so much better, especially when you're no longer alone and you have someone who loves you in your corner."
"I'll get there eventually," Buck says, a feeling of hope bubbling in his chest, relieving most of the pain he felt earlier.
"And you've got my 100% support by the way. The team could use another queer person on it." She laughs, smiling wide at him. Buck smiles back and nods in agreement.
"Thank you again, by the way, I didn't know who else to go to about this to be completely honest with you," Buck tells her. "And I know Maddie is an ally, but I didn’t want to tell her just yet, I wanted to go to someone who was actually, well, you know," Buck says making a wavy hand gesture at Hen.
"I'm glad I could help you Buck, and if you ever need help navigating your way through the community, I'll gladly help you with that too." She says, squeezing his hand again. He realizes that they are still holding hands and so Buck smiles and then squeezes her hand back, finally no longer feeling like he’s dying.
Buck's really glad he decided to go to Hen for help. He feels so much better now.
Buck also now realizes that he's cried himself into dehydration so he quickly takes the glass of water in front of him and chugs it down, breathing as he takes large sips.
"Oh, I almost forgot," Hen says with a grin as he drinks, "if you ever need me to be your wing-woman to get you and Eddie together finally, I'm more than happy to help with that too."
Buck sputters, nearly choking on his last sip of water.
Buck coughs and sets down the empty glass. "I never said I was in love with Eddie," Buck says, knowing that, now, he's just revealed it with that very statement.
Hen just laughs at his expense and Buck gives her a small pout.
"I didn't even say his name!” Buck exclaims. “How did you know it was Eddie?" Buck asks and realizes that for the first time ever, he’s admitted aloud, that he's completely head over heels in love with Edmundo Diaz.
Hen stifles her laughter after a few moments and gives Buck a wise and knowing smile.
"Buck, honey, you didn't need to say anything." She tells him.
"But how?" Buck asks, now scared to know if maybe he’s just that obvious about his crush on Eddie.
"Because I already knew."