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Published:
2019-10-10
Updated:
2019-11-02
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Chapters:
3/?
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Crackhead Chronicles: A Guide to Not Getting Murdered by a Dystopian Sewer Cult

Summary:

“Welcome, Gods of Old, to Ashbridge, the last remaining civilization on the New World.”

If there was one thing the Crackhead Central group chat didn’t expect while arguing one night about the importance of yeast, it was being summoned to a strange and bizarre dystopian city by a group of rebels calling themselves the Sewer Rats.

Being mistaken for the country’s 17 Pillar Gods, who are said to have returned to the Old World after the War of Four Nations, they are forced to act the part of higher powers lest these dangerous vigilantes discover the truth and oust them as outsiders, sacrificing them to an active volcano in the name of freedom.

“Simple: we all just pretend to be their gods until we find a way to get back home.”

Shouldn’t be all that hard, should it?

“Dei Eli, please let us change your clothes for you—”

“My fist doesn’t need a compass to land on your fucking face. Do not touch me.”

… And did I mention there’s also the threat of overpowered androids prowling the streets and a comet twice the size of Earth hurtling towards their planet?

Chapter 1: The “Gods” Have Arrived

Chapter Text

ACT 1 : CHAPTER 1

The “Gods” Have Arrived


 

i.  AHRI

A blinding flash of light from her phone screen, distant screaming, a moment of free falling, then a dull ache as she landed on the hard ground with an ungraceful thud.

Not the most comfortable way to get transported to another world, is it? I mean c’mon, other people get to use portals. Why can’t this world have something better than breaking backs …

At the time, Ahri hadn’t even known what was going on. She did feel something cold and rough pressing against her back but was barely conscious enough to understand what was happening around her.

Serves her right for spending all her time lying down, she guessed. It seemed even the slightest jostle upright had her lightheaded.

“Jesus fucking Christ—”

“ … Where the hell are we?”

“Could you please get your butt out of my face?”

“Get. Off.”

… What?

Why did it sound like a bunch of people were crowded inside her room? Did someone push her out of bed? Was that why her head was pounding so much?

How rude. They hadn’t even bothered to help her up.

“Wait, is that … ?”

“Is she asleep—”

“Oh my god … ”

“She’s bleeding!”

“She must’ve hit her head.”

What a strange dream …

Ahri vaguely recognized four, maybe five of the voices and although that was mildly comforting, she hated all the noise and tried to pry her eyes open, but her entire body felt numb and heavy. She couldn’t even feel most of her limbs, much less her face.

Things were getting all too confusing.

Was she asleep? Was she awake?

Or worse … did she somehow end up dying in her sleep? Although that would mean that the angels have terrible hospitality. Unless, of course, she was in hell.

… Thinking about it, the latter made a whole lot more sense.

“ … Christ, BACK UP! GIVE HER SOME FUCKING AIR!”

“But we need to clot the blood before she loses any more.”

“That doesn’t mean you can just suddenly move her head like that!”

The last thing she heard before she slipped into complete unawareness was a faint voice going, “Welcome, Gods of Old, to Ashbridge, the last remaining civilization on the New World.”

… This was getting to be the weirdest dream Ahri’s ever had.

 

ii.  CASPAR

He noticed them before the others did.

Caspar was sure a nasty bruise was going to form on his chin later, but the pain failed to even register against the ringing in his ears as he got up. In front of him stood a large group of people, and they were all staring them down with such a fierce intensity that it scared him.

He recognized the looks on their faces, knew those cold glares all too well.

They were being judged.

And they were failing.

He’d intended to call the attention of the people behind him, but he soon realized that they were preoccupied with something else. At the center of the group was a girl who appeared to be around his age. She was of shorter stature than even Caspar who stood at a little over five feet, with dark brown hair covering most of her face. She was unconscious, but that wasn’t even the worst of it.

Blood was oozing out of her head.

Shit.

He knew he had no choice but to ignore the strangers behind them for now. It didn’t seem like anyone else knew what to do, so he tentatively decided to step forward and take the lead.

“Hey, guys, back up! We should give her some room.”

No one was listening.

Steeling himself, he yelled, “Jesus Christ, BACK UP! GIVE HER SOME FUCKING AIR!” while pushing past the few who stood blocking his way. As Caspar moved closer, it did nothing to calm his building panic.

She was paling. And fast.

“But we need to clot the blood before she loses any more,” said a girl from behind him just as another kneeled down and moved to press what he guessed was someone else’s shirt behind the girl’s head.

He reached out and grabbed her wrist to stop her.

“That doesn’t mean you can just suddenly move her head like that!”

At that moment, another’s voice rang out from behind them, one he didn’t recognize and sounded much, much older than him, authoritative, commanding.

Biting his lip, he hesitantly turned to look over his shoulder.

His blood ran cold.

 

iii.  RYAN

Guns.

The strange people in front of them were all holding guns.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that Ahri was on the verge of dying of blood loss, the first thing Ryan realized when he looked up was that they were all being held at gunpoint.

That and their group was pathetically outnumbered.

He hadn’t even gotten any sleep the previous night what with needing to finish a paper for one of his classes. This was too much for him to try and comprehend at seven in the morning. Wait. Was it even seven in the morning?

And what were they referred to as? Gods?

What the hell were these people on?

“You were all transported here after our arcana wielders called you to aid our world.” The one addressing them was a frail old woman who stood a few steps closer to them than the rest. She herself wasn’t holding a weapon, but the alert and protective stance of those who stood behind her made it clear that she wasn’t someone to be taken lightly.

“Pardon me,” a boy to his right was the first one to speak up. He had light brown hair and was just as tall as he was, which came as a slight surprise, “but where exactly is ‘here’?”

“As I’ve said, welcome to Ashbridge, the last remaining civilization—”

He cut her off before she could continue. “No, what I mean is, what country? What state? Don’t just ominously describe the damn city or whatever this place is. A tribe or some shit?”

… Oh god …

The tension that hung in the air right after he uttered those words was almost palpable, not to mention how the group in front of them collectively gripped their guns tighter, glaring daggers at him.

Even he could tell that he’d just seriously disrespected who Ryan guessed was their leader.

He wanted to throw up.

There was another moment of total silence.

Before laughter.

Loud and breathy laughter.

Confused, he managed to awkwardly sneak a glance at the others behind him to make sure he wasn’t the only one who was caught off-guard, and he wasn’t.

The rest of the group looked just as dumbfounded as Ryan did.

“You can see the Sacred Flame burning in this one for being summoned so abruptly, no less of he who rules over warcraft.”

He blinked.

Rules over what now?

The old woman then began hobbling toward them and while a few of those behind her moved to follow, they all reluctantly returned to their places with the slightest wave of her trembling hand.

“We’ve all been waiting far too long.”

 

iv.  CONNER

They didn’t have time for this.

Ahri had already lost too much blood. If they delayed treatment any longer, there was no doubt she’d …

Clenching his fists, Conner sprinted up to the front of the group.

“One of our members got hurt,” he blurted out, stunning the woman into silence. Once she came to a stop before them, he gestured for the rest of the group to move away, clearing a path toward where Ahri laid unconscious and injured. A girl he didn’t recognize was kneeling down next to her.

The stranger wordlessly ambled toward them then crouched down but just as she extended a hand, Zoe’s own darted out protectively.

She’d been standing a few ways away, and he could see just how afraid she was.

Swallowing hard, the unfamiliar girl said, “Can you help her? We don’t know what happened, but we fell and b-blood just started … she hit her head and … and there’s just s-so much blood—” When her labored breathing made it difficult for her to continue, Zoe reached out and started stroking her back to comfort her.

Could that be Shyn?

The woman didn’t respond and instead, pushed Ahri’s hair out of her face with one bony hand, the other she placed right at the base of her neck, gently moving her head to the side to examine the injury.

Sensing the danger that came with the precarious placement of her hands, Conner moved to come closer but he hadn’t even taken two steps forward when a warm light spread out from beneath the stranger’s fingertips and encased his friend in threads of gold and silver.

“What … are you—?”

It was then that he noticed what all the rivulets were circling; they were darting in and out of the gash in her head, their fluid movements reminding him of a needle and thread sewing fabric together.

He was so entranced by its motions that he didn’t notice when the light began to dim but when it did, Conner just barely managed to breathe out the question that the rest of the group probably had on their own minds as well. “What did you do?”

“Closed the wound … but it did nothing for all the blood she lost.”

Zoe paled in disbelief while the girl he’d assumed was Shyn bridged a finger below Ahri’s nostrils.

“ … She’s breathing.”

… Thank God.

He released a deep breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding while the rest of the group let out murmurs of relief.

She’s fine. She’ll be alright.

However, their ease was short-lived when she turned to glare at him, her face contorted in disgust and her gaze holding steadfast with pure, raw hatred.

“You’re all mortal, aren’t you?”

… Fuck.