Work Text:
Compatibility
Sidney had stolen away to the river under the pretext of getting the boat ready for the race. In truth he still had plenty of time to prepare but he’d been finding Eliza’s company somewhat suffocating and felt that he needed to get away and simply breath.
He had thought that he needed to be completely alone, until he noticed Miss Heywood was there and found he was smiling in spite of himself. She always seemed to pop up when he needed to see her, at first he’d found it irritating, he could almost laugh at the memory now.
Ever since their impromptu visit to London he’d found himself finding reasons to seek out her company more and more. Speaking with her felt familiar yet exciting at the same time, like the first warm day of spring after a long hard winter.
“It’s an hour till the race Mr Parker.” She called out interrupting his train of thought. “I’m letting all the competitors know.”
Sidney thanked her whilst removing his coat and hat. He started walking towards her and spread his arms out as if he was presenting himself for her inspection. A small smile graced his face as he asked her if he looked ready.
‘I’m no expert.’ She replied.
‘Neither am I,’ he confessed. ‘Regrettably, I haven’t picked up an ore in years.’
‘I’m sure it will come back to you.’
Her words made him pause, he wasn’t sure why but they caused an image of Eliza to flash through his mind. The Eliza as he had remembered her for the past ten years, the imagined Eliza didn’t quite match up to the one who’d been with him today. Not because she was any less beautiful than she’d ever been, objectively speaking. She was as beautiful as ever, but maybe just not what he found beautiful anymore.
He looked up, his eyes meeting Miss Heywood's open and honest countenance.
‘I wonder.’ He said more to himself than her. He wasn’t thinking about rowing anymore.
Feeling suddenly strangely unsettled he picked up the oars and made his way down to the boat. He turned to go and get the second set but found that Miss Heywood had already brought them to him. Of course she had, he thought with a smile.
‘A man cannot step into the same river twice.’ The words where out of his mouth before he’d really had time to think about it. He’d been ruminating on the quote ever since Tom had made his comment about him marrying Eliza, something he’d thought was all he wanted for the past ten years but suddenly his mind balked at the mere thought. ‘Have you ever heard of that.’
‘For he is not the same man and it is not the same river.’ Miss Heywood replied.
He smiled at her, his heart swelled with something that felt like pride.
‘It’s Heraclitus.’ She continued and he realised he’d just been smiling at her instead of responding.
‘Yes, of course you’d know that.’
She took a step backwards as if to leave and he was struck by an overwhelming urge to keep her close.
‘Well, I need a second person to balance the boat would you mind.’ It was the first thing he could think of, he daren't even look at her in case she rejected him.
‘I’m not sure if I.’
‘Come on.’ Even he was surprised by how much of what he was feeling was shown in those two words. In this moment he is certain that more than anything it is her he wanted to speak to.
She jumped forwards, almost toppling into the boat. He caught her against his chest and for just a moment they are almost as close as they had been during that spellbinding dance in London. He’d forgotten how he’d felt during those few moments they had been together on the dance floor. How had he managed to allow Eliza to pull him away he could no longer remember. It was just how it had always been Eliza gave a look and he went, he’d been happy with that as a young man. But now on this boat as Charlotte took her seat he felt the spark of something else, the same spark he’d felt in London he found himself wanting more than that shallow relationship of his youth. He’d convinced himself it was Eliza or nothing for so many years, he thought as he began to row down the river, what if he was wrong?
‘May I ask you something Miss Heywood?’ She didn’t answer but he continued anyway. A small bud of hope was inside him and he needed to know what she thought. ‘Why is it that when I finally get a chance of happiness, can I not accept the fact?’
‘What is it that you cannot accept?’
‘That I was destined to remain alone, that I was ill suited for matrimony.’ These were the thoughts that had been occupying his mind over the past few days since his return from London. When he thought of a life with Eliza a life he thought he should have wanted his mind jumped back to these excuses. But, to his surprise, here on this boat when he thought of Charlotte he could almost accept it. Except the nagging voice that told him he was not worthy of a woman like her.
‘I don’t believe that anyone is truly ill suited to marriage.’ She replied. ‘Even you.’
He gave a short tight laugh and hoped she didn’t see through it to the whirlwind of emotions he was feeling.
‘I suppose it’s just a question of compatibility.’ She added quickly.
‘Yes.’ A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth and he found himself staring at her for a moment too long. ‘I suppose your right.’
He looked away again in case his face gave away what he is suddenly feeling. Compatibility, the word echoed round his mind and his thoughts returned to that dance they shared in London. He wondered if he really felt what he thought he had and not just dreamed it. He needed to put it to the test. Suddenly a way of being close with her again occurred to him.
‘Now, it’s your turn.’
He saw the way her eyes widened in surprise at the suggestion.
‘Give me your hands.’
She placed them on the oars and he placed his own over the top. The instance they touched the same electricity sparked within him that he felt before. There were no gloves this time, his hands covered over hers and he felt as if he was being pulled under her spell. He tried to distract himself by giving her instructions, tried to pretend that this was truly just a rowing lesson and nothing more.
He reached out to straighten her back, being with her seemed so natural that he had forgotten all social convention until she jumped away. He knew she could feel it to, the pressure that was building all around them with their contact. At first it had been so strong he couldn’t bring himself to look at her, when he finally did he noticed that she was the same and had adverted her eyes. Now the same pressure prevented him from looking away. Slowly she brought her eyes up to his. He felt a shock as they meet, the whole world melted away. There was nothing, just her and him and this boat. Neither of them broke eye contact. Just like in London he felt joy bubbling up in him, bursting out of him in laughter that she returned. This was it, he thought, the space between them seeming to shrink as he felt himself moving subtly closer to her, pulled to her presence. This was what he had been searching for, this was...
‘Sidney.’
Elizas voice seemed to shatter the fragile glass world they had built around them. He was pulled unwillingly back to reality and duty as he had been the one to suggest that Mrs Campion stayed for the regatta and so he could not just abandon her completely.
He waved to her and then cast a apologetic look at Charlotte as he made his way back to the river edge. Unable to shake the feeling that he had just missed out on something important.