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The moment Tsumugi’s lips softly touch his neck, Natsume knows he’s in trouble.
The thought is usually exhilarating and easy to follow. On a good day, welcomed, even, as Natsume would tilt his head upward and let him kiss away; after a lifetime of solitude and yearning, he’d been quite eager to be spoiled.
Now, though, he tenses up. He even makes an effort to keep his chin down in order to make a more obvious statement; not today. When Tsumugi notices he’s essentially being rejected, he tilts his head up with a worried frown. Natsume feels a little guilty to be met by Tsumugi’s genuine confusion, and though he’s glancing away, he can tell with total certainty that the librarian is sizing him down with the look of a kicked dog, wondering what he possibly could have done wrong.
“Natsume-kun?” Tsumugi calls, his voice small and tentative. “Is something the matter?”
Natsume pauses. He hadn’t actually thought very far ahead of what to do if Tsumugi actually asked this. He thinks for a moment as he puts his words together, and he makes a face when he realizes he doesn’t really like what he has to say. Confused, Tsumugi tilts his head once more, slightly to the side.
“Natsume-kun...?” He tries with a more cautious tone. Natsume huffs, exasperated at his own uncertainty. His cheeks are the slightest bit tinted now, as he realizes there’s no real way to imply or avoid what he wants to communicate. He finally looks at Tsumugi in the eye, frowning.
“I want to switch places.” He finally says, bluntly. “Let me do all the things you usually do.”
There’s no need for Natsume to clarify what he means, as Tsumugi’s own colored cheeks and raised eyebrows tell. After a moment of shock, however, he attempts to laugh it off.
“N-No, that’s very nice of you to offer, but I’m just fine.” He assures, smiling nervously. “I’m happy to just-“
“Are you, though?”
Tsumugi stops in his tracks.
“Huh?”
The words came out so impulsively Natsume makes himself look away once more, annoyed at his own thoughtlessness.
“Don’t think I haven’t noticed.” He starts, almost accusingly. “Every single time. You don’t ever let me do anything for you.”
“I—“ Tsumugi laughs again, shocked but even moreso, embarrassed. “I must’ve, at least once?”
“No.” Natsume frowns, unable to play along Tsumugi’s casualty. “Not once.”
Silence befalls them, awkward and unwelcome. Natsume doesn’t say anything more, but the sentiment of his words rings very clear; how Tsumugi possibly underestimates his efforts because of his inexperience or doesn’t trust him enough to expose himself the way Natsume constantly does for him. How Natsume is the one truly asking, wordlessly, what could he possibly be doing wrong.
It’s rather clear Tsumugi understands this, as his laughter has been completely replaced by a tight and apologetic little smile.
“...I’m sorry.” He starts, very quietly. “I don’t do it on purpose, I swear. I just think of you the whole time.”
“And who do you think I think of?” Natsume quickly retorts, still looking away. “Is…” He hesitates, but forces the words out. “Is there something he did that I’m not doing?”
The he rings so clearly to Tsumugi that he feels a lot more amazed than embarrassed to hear it. If Natsume was troubled enough to even imply Tsumugi’s old relationship, things were serious. The librarian shakes his head, his expression a lot more reassuring.
“If it helps, it was like this with him too.” He confesses. “You actually sound just like him right now, asking me to change.”
Natsume scrunches his nose in disgust at the comparison.
“Yuck.”
“You’re the one who asked! And I don’t mean it in a bad way anyway, I swear!” Tsumugi laughs, a lot lighter to be able to joke around. He sighs. “I guess the situation happened enough for him to feel awkward about it like you are right now, but… it was natural. I was just playing the role of his lover, after all, so I didn’t want to make him feel like he owed me anything.”
“Then what, are you just playing the role of my lover? Is that what you’re telling me?”
“Not at all!” Tsumugi exclaims, bright red. “I just—“
“Listen.” Natsume interrupts, frowning hard. “Tenshouin might’ve been complacent in letting you think you don’t matter, but I’m not.”
The declaration is so forward Tsumugi almost feels the need to either pinch himself or check Natsume’s forehead for any signs of a fever— where is his usual Oracle, so cryptic and roundabout?
He doesn’t get to do either, though, as Natsume elaborates while he’s left blinking in amazement.
“You’re half of this… relationship,” Natsume says, clearly still getting used to using the word so concretely. “I need you to know I can do this. That pleasure can go both ways and that you also get to be taken care of—nobody is expecting you to do anything but what you want, remember?”
Ah, here we go again with the wants.
Tsumugi allows himself a chuckle; this is truly the one thing Natsume never really lets go. The redhead squints at him, serious.
“Is that funny to you?”
“No,” Tsumugi says, lightly. “Just… different. I don’t know how to not take care of someone.”
“Then let me.”
Instead of answering anything, Tsumugi stares.
He stares down as he lets Natsume move, for the first time not putting up a fight as the redhead slowly—even carefully—crawls on top of him. He doesn’t dare look away as the golden eyes that usually stab into him hold him in place, taking him somewhere unknown but strangely comfortable and, dare he think, safe.
The tips of Natsume’s long hair tickles the sides of Tsumugi’s nervous face. He doesn’t even notice the fact that his hands are being held until Natsume interlaces all ten of his fingers at once, the squeeze so reassuring Tsumugi didn’t even know how he hadn’t thought of asking for it before. He suddenly feels small despite how he normally towers over Natsume, and he feels strangely expectant when Natsume quietly speaks up.
“Would you really be happy if we stopped right now and you just took over?”
A ‘yes’ is at the tip of Tsumugi’s tongue, but it freezes in place. He freezes on his entirety, feeling his heart ready to come out of his ribcage. ‘Yes’ feels like the correct answer, but not the right one. For a moment, he says nothing, and when he does, he’s finally allowing himself to return the squeeze to Natsume’s hands.
“...No.” He admits, so quietly it’s almost like he's afraid to be heard by someone other than Natsume. “I wouldn’t.”
The reply pulls a little smirk out of Natsume’s lips.
“Tell me what you want.”
Want, want.
Tsumugi has to focus that word alone in order not to feel self-conscious about what he ends up saying:
“...For you to take care of me.” He says, but then, with a flaring heartbeat and cheeks, he adds, “For you to make love to me.”
Suffice to say, Tsumugi still wins at being the forward one when it comes to words.
Nevertheless, Natsume can reciprocate the intensity of the statement in his own way; with actions.