Work Text:
April 2017
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It wasn’t how they expected to spend their last weekend together before pre-season started.
Still, Christen could think of worse ways to pass her time than sitting in the passenger seat as Tobin drove next to her, cruising down the streets of Los Angeles. Christen tucked some of her hair flying in the wind behind her ear, turning to look at Tobin when her whistling changed seamlessly to fit the next song that flowed through the speakers.
Tobin was truly one of those people who could shine in any environment. But in the sun? She thrived. Christen had lost count of the times she had spent staring at her girlfriend in the sunshine, the way her hair glistened, the way her eyes crinkled in the light until she pulled her sunglasses over them, the way her skin was warm.
It was home.
“What?” Tobin glanced over to Christen when she felt her gaze on her, a lopsided grin on her face.
Christen shook her head, a smile playing on her lips. “Nothing. Just happy to be with you.”
The grin grew bigger, and Tobin found Christen’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “Me too, baby. Always.”
Their hands squeezed together reassuringly before their attention was driven to the GPS voice flowing out of Tobin’s phone, directing them to their destination.
“Continue on the I-405 for 10 miles. You will reach your destination, University of California, Los Angeles, in 15 minutes.”
“That’s some bold optimism of LA traffic from Google Maps.” Tobin snorted at the GPS voice, knowing that it would really be 30 minutes by the time they made it through.
Christen nodded in agreement, her gaze drifting back out the window. The GPS voice had refocused her on their task at hand – the reason they were driving through Los Angeles and not still resting at home.
“Do you think she’s ok?”
“I think she will be ok.” Christen heard Tobin say as she kept her gaze on the scenery passing by, as if it held an answer for her. “But she’s got a hard decision to make before she gets there.”
“I really feel for her.” Christen said, letting her head fall back onto the seat as she turned to Tobin. She felt a squeeze on her hand as Tobin nodded in agreement, a concerned look playing on her features. “She sounded so torn.”
----------
It was the kind of morning that reminded Christen that while she loved the non-stop life of travelling and soccer, it was hard to beat a well needed lazy day.
Of course, even her lazy days still consisted of early morning meditation and yoga. She typically woke with the sun, and really, her hardest part of the morning was trying to slip out of the iron grip cuddle her girlfriend typically had her in. It wasn’t that Christen was afraid of waking Tobin up – she knew Tobin would sleep through a hurricane given the chance – it’s just that even in her deepest sleep, it was like Tobin’s body was attuned to when Christen was trying to leave her. And judging by the way her fists always curled in her sleep shirts in protest, Tobin’s body definitely did not like it when Christen left the bed.
Though she knew how good meditation and yoga was for her soul, nothing made her happier and more at peace than when every morning, Tobin inevitably stumbled out of the bedroom and into the living room searching for her. Tobin’s sleepy eyes were barely open, her forehead creased half way in between confusion and grumpiness as she looked around for Christen, who was usually sat at the end of the couch, a tea in one hand and a book in the other.
Sure, she could do that in bed. But the sun in their LA house rose differently in the view from the living room, and the bed didn’t have a sleepy Tobin ambling towards her, soft in her sweatpants and a Stanford hoodie.
“I’m just here, my love.”
At Christen’s voice, Tobin would usually find the energy to crack one eye open properly. Out of all the faces that a sleepy Tobin sported in the morning, the one that came next was Christen’s favorite.
It was a mix of happiness at finally locating Christen, followed immediately by a grouch and a pout with some mumbling about ‘whys’ and ‘not in bed’ and ‘missed you’ going on. All Christen had to do to remedy it was hold her arms out and Tobin would come crashing down onto the couch, her head landing in Christen’s lap and her face burying into her stomach.
Within seconds, every time, Tobin would promptly fall back asleep, her breaths of air seeping through Christen’s t-shirt onto her skin. Christen’s arm would wrap around Tobin’s shoulder, her hand curling into her hair to scratch at her head lightly as her other hand held open the book she was reading.
The sun continued to rise out the window, the house was quiet, the love of her life was curled into her peacefully dozing; Christen was home.
Tobin usually woke an hour after she had ventured out into the living room, and that morning was no different. From where her arm rested on her shoulder, Christen could tell that Tobin’s breaths had become more irregular, and sure enough, her body began to stretch out a bit as she came into consciousness.
Christen moved her hand from her hair to gently trace the shell of Tobin’s ear, curling her hair behind it. She saw Tobin’s eyes flicker open and her thumb gently moved along the crease in her forehead.
“Hi, pretty girl.”
At Christen’s soft murmur in the morning quiet, Tobin cracked an eye open, turning her head slightly to look up at her happy face. She gave her a small smile in return, content to bury her head back into Christen’s stomach as she tried to burrow the rest of her body closer to her as well.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Christen looked on at Tobin amusedly as she continued to sleepily mumble and curl her body in closer.
“My feet are cold.” Tobin’s answer was barely legible, it being so muffled against Christen.
“I know something that could warm you up.”
Now that got Tobin’s attention. She turned her head, lifting it slightly up to look at Christen with an eager expression, completely betraying the sleep from seconds ago. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” Christen nodded, before a smirk came onto her face. “Socks.”
As fast as it appeared, Tobin’s eagerness completely vanished, the sleepy grouch and crease on her forehead returning as she buried her head back into Christen’s lap. “You’re mean.”
“And you’re cute.” Christen carded her hand through Tobin’s hair again, getting a small groan of appreciation out of her. “Can I have a kiss?”
A smile appeared on Tobin’s face before she could try and keep up her grouchy act, and she turned her head to face Christen, pushing herself up a bit to meet her half way.
The sound of Christen’s phone ringing pierced the air, immediately breaking the stillness of the morning. Both women groaned slightly, and Tobin gave Christen a quick peck on the lips before stretching out behind her, blindly fumbling for Christen’s phone on the coffee table. At first she barely looked at it before reaching over to pass it to her, but when she saw the name she did a double take, pulling it back to make sure she’d seen it right.
“It’s Mal.”
“Mal Pugh?”
“No, the other Mal we know.”
“Ok, sassy pants.” Christen said with an eyebrow raised and an amused smile playing on her face. “Why is it weird that Mal is calling me?”
“It’s not weird that Mal’s calling you. What’s weird is that Mal is calling you at 8 on a Saturday morning. That girl loves sleeping more than life. And I would know about loving sleep.”
“That’s true.” Christen watched Tobin continue to stare at the phone in confusion, as if the answers to her questions weren’t literally one click of a button away. “So, are we going to answer or are we going to let her go to voicemail?”
“Oh shit, right.” Tobin fumbled with the phone, frantically tapping accept before the last ring sounded. She clicked the speaker button and held the phone up a bit so Christen could answer.
“Hey, Little Mal-Mal.” Christen opted for the affectionate team nickname for the baby of the squad as she answered a bit apprehensively, wondering what could have Mal calling so early.
“Hi, Christen.” The way Mal’s voice cracked with upset as soon as she spoke had both Christen and Tobin sitting up properly on the couch, Tobin’s hand tensing around the phone.
“Mal? Are you ok? Are you safe?"
The younger girl paused on the phone for just a second too long to be comforting. “I’m safe, I’m fine.”
“Ok, good.” The relief was evident in Christen’s voice, and Tobin breathed out as well.
“Sorry I called so early.”
Christen’s face scrunched in upset hearing how downtrodden Mal sounded on the phone and she put her hand on Tobin’s knee. “It’s ok, Mal. You know you could call me at any time of the day and it would never be a problem.”
They could sense Mal was struggling with what to say next. Tobin put her hand over Christen’s where it rested on her knee and intertwined their fingers. “Where are you, Mal?”
“I’m – is that Tobin?”
Christen looked at Tobin as she answered. “Yeah, Tobin is here with me. You’re on speaker. Is that ok?”
“Yeah, yes of course.”
“If you called to talk smack about me just let me know first so I can leave the room.”
Tobin’s attempt to lighten up the mood worked as Mal laughed, bringing a smile to all of their faces.
“No, that was what Mal called me about last week.” Christen wore a playful smirk, to which Tobin raised her eyebrows at.
“Ok, sassy pants.”
Mal laughed again through the phone. “Tobin, I promise I have yet to call Christen with the intent of talking smack about you.”
“Ok, good – wait, yet?” Tobin had a grin on her face as she leaned back to try and dodge Christen’s arm that came out to swat her. “Mal, just so you know, Christen’s giving me her best glare, so I’m just going to shut up."
“What’s going on, Mal?” Christen tried to use her most non-invasive tone of voice, but she could sense from Mal’s hesitation that she was still struggling to explain why she had called. “It’s ok if you aren’t ready to talk about it. Can you tell us where you are?"
“I’m at school. In my dorm.” Mal’s voice cracked at the end, signaling she was on the verge of tears. But, if Tobin and Christen were in the dark as to why Mal may have been calling before, her mentioning school shed some light for them.
They knew Mal’s decision to attend UCLA over going pro was the hardest and biggest decision she had had to make in her young life yet. Even if they hadn’t talked about it with her, they still would have known about it due to all the buzz. They, along with many other national team players, had even been asked to weigh in on the issue at post-game interviews in the previous season, to which their answer was always that it was Mal’s decision to make and whatever she chose they would wholeheartedly support.
Now Tobin and Christen weren’t social media fiends by any stretch of the imagination. But even they knew the attention this created, the opinions of people who talked like they knew best flying around, the criticism and support Mal got. It was really too much for anyone to deal with, let alone an 18 year old.
“Do you have any plans for this weekend?” Christen kept her eyes on Tobin as she spoke, one eyebrow raising in a silent question when Mal said she didn’t. Tobin had no hesitation nodding in response. “Well then, lucky us. We’re in LA, and only a 30 minute drive away from you.”
“You are?”
“We are. What do you reckon about spending the day with us?”
“Totally understandable if you’re not that eager to spend the day with both of us; Christen has lost most of her street cred in her old age.” Tobin joked with wide grin on her face, already scrambling out of the way before Christen could swat her arm again. “You and I can kick it, Mal.”
Christen couldn’t help but laugh even as her eyes rolled, hearing Mal do the same. “You’re such a pain in my ass. And you’re one year older than me, Grandma! Don’t break a hip when you get in the car later.”
Tobin continued to laugh as she scooted back closer to Christen, peppering her face with kisses and whispering in her ear. “You know I’m kidding, baby. You’re cooler than I could ever hope to be."
Christen winked at her in response, kissing her softly before adjusting her position so Tobin could lay down on the couch, her head in Christen’s lap. Christen rested the phone on Tobin’s chest as her hands found their way back into Tobin’s hair, moving gently through the strands like she had been doing earlier. “Now that Tobin has graciously given me her seal of approval, what do you think, Mal?”
“Actually, Mal, what about spending the weekend with us? We’ve got a room here ready if you want it.” Tobin said before Mal could answer, looking up at Christen as she did.
Seeing how thoughtful Tobin was with that offer made Christen’s heart swell. She knew how much the both of them had been looking forward to their last weekend together before pre-season started. But seeing how willing Tobin was to drop all of that to help the baby of their team, the kid they had all but adopted – it was moments like this she had no doubt that Tobin was her forever.
“We would love to have you, Mal. I’m willing to bet we’re a bit more fun than you spending the weekend in your dorm.”
Mal’s voice was still watery and quiet, but for the first time since she called there was a tint of happiness to it. “Really?”
“Really, really.”
“Are you sure you don’t have plans yourselves?”
“Not unless they involve you.”
Christen smiled softly down at Tobin as she watched her answer Mal’s questions. She took one of her hands and placed a soft kiss to the palm of it.
“I would love to stay.”
----------
“What if she asks us what she should do?”
The car rolled to a stop at a set of traffic lights as they got off the I-405. The feeling of Tobin’s lips pressing into their intertwined hands with a knowing look made a soft smile appear on Christen’s face.
She knew what Tobin was going to say before she said it – they both knew there wasn’t a right answer, and there wasn’t an easy way to guide Mal through this decision without her facing some tribulations.
Christen wished she knew what the right answer was, but if she was being honest, she wouldn’t know what she would do if she was in Mal’s shoes. She let herself get lost in her thoughts so much that she barely noticed Tobin had pulled into the university grounds, putting the car in park.
“Come on, let’s go get our kid.” Tobin squeezed Christen’s hand with a little wink as they both got out of the car, Tobin coming around to Christen’s side to stand by her as they waited for Mal.
“She said she’s on her way.” Christen locked her phone after seeing Mal’s text. They didn’t have to wait long, within the minute Mal had exited the sports complex they had parked outside, and with good timing too – Christen could tell some of the students milling around had done a few double takes at her and Tobin being there. She should have expected they’d get recognized from parking outside of the soccer field, but none of that mattered when she saw Mal walking towards them, her legs moving into a tiny jog for the last few steps before she all but slammed into Christen in a hug.
Christen wrapped her arms around Mal and held her close, placing a small kiss on the top of her head. “Hi, little love.”
“Hi.” Mal’s voice was muffled where she buried her face in Christen’s shirt. She held her right arm out almost impatiently where Tobin stood, as if to ask her why she hadn’t joined in on the hug already.
Tobin laughed, letting herself get wrapped up. “It’s good to see you, Mal. We missed you.”
“Missed you too.”
----------
In the car, Christen and Tobin seemed to have a silent understanding that they would let Mal set the tone, and so didn’t pry with questions. They occasionally snuck glances at the young girl in the back as she stared out the window, letting the wind blow in her face and the fly-aways of her ponytail tickle her cheeks. Christen had a playlist going that she often played whilst out doing errands. She saw Mal tapping her fingers to a few of the more upbeat songs, and took it as a positive sign.
It wasn’t until they had almost pulled to a stop that Mal seemed to come to her senses, looking around the car to see where they had ended and then back to Tobin and Christen in the front.
“Where are we?”
“At the state park. There’s some really nice walks here.”
“There’s a few secret tracks here, so it’s usually pretty private. We come here when we want to clear our heads.” Christen added after Tobin.
Mal was already opening the car door. “Say no more.”
Just as Christen predicted, they walked the track without passing a single soul, basking in the sounds of nature as the leaves crunched beneath their feet. At peak fitness, they reached the top of their climb in no time, and Christen saw Mal tilting her head up to the sun, eyes closed as she felt the rays on her face.
“It’s nice, huh.”
“Yeah.”
Christen turned to look at Tobin, a slight question in her eyes on where to go from there. She looked relieved when Tobin came around to Mal’s other side, gently pushing the young girl’s shoulder down until they all sat side by side on the rock by the outlook.
“What’s on your mind, Mal?”
There was a period of silence while Mal looked out at the view, her eyes far away. “Lots. Too much.”
“Sounds a bit overwhelming.” Tobin bumped her shoulder ever so gently into Mal’s.
“Yeah.” The crack in Mal’s voice returned, and Christen knew if she looked at the younger girl’s eyes she would see tears in them. She decided to share a story.
“Do you know the last time Tobin and I came up here? It was the week after we got back from the Olympics last year. You could say I was a bit overwhelmed then, too.” Christen watched the corner of Mal’s lips quirk up in a mix of amusement and bitterness, remembering the hurt they all took upon themselves from that loss. “So we’re sitting on this very same rock, staring out at the park and the edges of the city. There isn’t a single person around. And Tobin said to me, let’s just let go of it all.”
“Let go?”
“Yeah. I asked her what she meant by that too. And she just got up, took a few steps closer to the edge of the outlook, and yelled for the loudest and longest time I’d ever heard her. It gave me such a fright I almost fell off the rock.”
At that thought, Mal laughed, followed by Tobin sitting next to her, remembering the occasion as well.
“When my heart rate had stabilized, she still hadn’t said anything to me, she just reached out for my hand and pulled me up next to her.” Christen stood up, reaching out to Mal as she spoke. When she felt the younger girl’s hand in her own she pulled her up, watching warmly as Tobin stood as well, taking Mal’s other hand.
“So we stood together here at the look out, hand in hand, and she said to me – ”
“Everything you’re feeling, all the negativity, all the noise, all the indecision and what ifs in your mind, just let go of it. Let it all out.” Tobin finished for Christen, smiling softly at the two girls, but watching Mal as she watched her. “The universe can carry it, you don’t have to.”
Tears welled up in Mal’s eyes at that and she nodded, squeezing Tobin and Christen’s hands and feeling them squeeze back reassuringly. All three of them seemed to take a collective breath together, before opening their mouths and letting out a prolonged yell, holding it until they ran out of breath and then some. Tears were rushing down Mal’s face at the catharsis of literally screaming away her frustrations, and if they were being honest, Tobin and Christen weren’t far behind her.
It eventually got to the point that they were sure their voices were hoarse and couldn’t yell for a second longer. It was quiet for a moment, before Mal started to let out a laugh. That laugh became a full belly laugh, and within no time she was almost doubled over, Tobin and Christen joining in as they all sunk to the ground, stretching out.
They lay back in the sun for a while, feeling empty in a good way. Mal no longer felt the weight that had been sitting on her chest for weeks. “I’ve been stuck in this ‘should I stay or should I go’ cycle for so long now that I really thought it was driving me a little mad.” She said, laying back with her eyes closed. “For the last two weeks all I’ve done is spend every waking minute in my dorm room having an argument with myself about it.”
“That can’t have been easy.”
Mal nodded at Christen’s comment. “It’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. And I know how stupid that sounds. I’m so lucky. I’m choosing between a full ride at UCLA or playing professional soccer. Most people would kill for either – ”
“Hey, hey, let’s not do that, ok?” Tobin said, rolling onto her side so she could see Mal as she talked. “It’s good to acknowledge the fortunate position we’re in. But you’ve worked so hard to be here, Mal. Don’t take that away from yourself. Your feelings and problems are still valid – you don’t have to be dying to be allowed to be sad.”
Mal gave Tobin a watery smile in thanks, and moved her gaze back to the sky. “I’ve always been good at blocking the noise out. My first cap, the Olympics, I wasn’t nervous I was just excited. I’m sure people were saying things, but it never got to me.”
“Do you think you know the reason?” Christen’s question was gentle; non-invasive.
“I think maybe because I trusted myself. I knew that I could do it, or at least that I would give my all to the team and I wouldn’t let anyone down. Going to college, I really thought it was the best thing. But now I’m not sure. I don’t know if I trust myself anymore. I’m second guessing the decision and I hate it.”
“What’s making you second guess yourself?”
“I don’t really know. I just feel uneasy about being there. Usually when I make a decision I trust myself and I can feel it’s the right one. And this time, I’m not feeling that.” Mal let out a long sigh and squeezed her eyes in teary frustration. “I dunno.”
“It’s ok, Mal. You don’t have to know exactly why. It’s good you’re listening to yourself though. The more you try to work through it, the easier the answer will come to you. It’s so much healthier to work through our feelings than to ignore them. Sometimes our gut is all we have to go off."
Just as Christen had finished speaking, Tobin’s stomach grumbled, and the comedic timing of it all couldn’t have been more perfect.
“Tobin, if you make some dad joke about your gut right now I swear – ”
“Hey, babe, give my humor some credit, ok? It’s really gutting when you say stuff to me like that.”
Mal burst out laughing, Christen following in suit. “That was so bad!”
Tobin laughed and grinned alongside them, shrugging her shoulders in response. “Maybe, but you’re both laughing, aren’t you?”
Christen shook her head in amused exasperation, getting to her feet and pulling Mal up before holding a hand out to Tobin. “Come on then, you charmer. Let’s get some food in you.”
----------
An hour later, Tobin moved to stand to the side of the counter of a sandwich shop her and Christen often frequented, waiting for their lunch to be made. Mal and Christen were a few stores down getting juice, and just as Tobin leaned against a wall to wait, she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. Swiping into it, it was Lindsey replying to the conversation she had started with her a few minutes before.
Tobin Heath 12:08pm
Hey, Linds. You have a minute?
my second favorite son 12:08pm
What’s up?
Tobin Heath 12:08pm
Chris and I have Mal over for the weekend. She’s pretty torn about whether to leave UCLA
Tobin Heath 12:09pm
I know she was in Denver a couple weeks back when you were there. Did you guys discuss it? She never mentioned.
my second favorite son 12:10pm
yeah we did, kinda. I could tell she was really upset about it but I was scared of what I should tell her cos I didn’t want her to just take what I was saying as the right answer.
Tobin Heath 12:10pm
We’re also being careful of what to say to her. I’m sure Chris thinks staying at college is the best thing for her future, but she also knows that the best thing for her soccer career is going pro.
My second favorite son 12:11pm
Yeah. Most of what I was saying to her was kinda like ‘if you stay in college, this will happen, and if you go pro, this will happen’ etc. She seemed to have thought about all the things I was saying before, but having it all said out to her overwhelmed her a bit, I think.
My second favorite son 12:12pm
It felt real messed up to be saying that to her though. She’s only 18, it’s such a fucking huge decision for anyone, let alone someone that young.
Tobin Heath 12:13pm
Haha, when did you grow up and get so wise, huh? What happened to my little Lindsey?
My second favorite son 12:13pm
Guess you taught me all I need to know!
Tobin Heath 12:13pm
Not a chance, bud. How are you going, anyways?
My second favorite son 12:14pm
I’m good. Excited for pre-season. Will you be in Portland next week? I’m flying there tomorrow.
Tobin Heath 12:14pm
Yeah, next week. I’m excited, too. Not gonna lie, it would be so sick to have Mal playing in the league.
My second favorite son 12:14pm
Right? Give her a hug from me. I’m sure whatever advice you two give her it’ll help. You both always help me so much.
My second favorite son 12:15pm
Nice of you two to look after your daughter for the weekend :P
Tobin Heath 12:15pm
Well she’s less trouble than you and Sonnett, that’s for sure. You’ll notice I’m coming back to Portland on the last day possible to minimize the babysitting time I’ll have with you both.
My second favorite son 12:15pm
Yeah, yeah you love us, Toby.
Tobin Heath 12:15pm
Unfortunately xxx
Tobin still had her phone out as she exited the shop, walking a few steps over to where Christen was standing, two juices in her hand.
“Where’s Mal?”
“She just ran to the trash over there.”
“Here, read this.” Tobin swapped Christen a juice for her phone, the conversation with Lindsey still on the screen. Christen snorted and Tobin looked at her. “What?”
“Did Sonnett change Lindsey’s name on your phone to my second favorite son?”
“Oh, yeah. I don’t even know when she did it. Our dumbass sons,” Tobin laughed.
Christen grinned, shaking her head as she saw Mal walking back to them, deciding to read the text conversation in the car as Tobin drove home. “Yeah, let’s keep baby Mal out of their foolery for as long as we can.”
----------
For the rest of the day, Christen and Tobin kept Mal busy with activities – driving along the coast, kicking the ball around the park, having a handstand competition at the beach (Christen totally won). As soon as they’d gotten home Mal had crashed on the couch taking a nap, and Christen and Tobin cooked dinner together, all soft smiles and quiet jokes and shoulders bumping.
Christen gently woke Mal up to eat with them, and she seemed to be operating on pilot mode as she just managed to keep her eyes open, happy to let Tobin and Christen converse with themselves. When Tobin got up to clear the table, Christen took one look at the tired girl and as much as she wanted to keep hanging out with her, she knew she should really be asleep.
“Time to go to sleep, Mal?”
There was no resistance from Mal, who smiled in defeat. “Yeah. I’m sorry I can’t stay awake.”
“Nothing to apologize for. Have you been sleeping ok recently?”
“Not really.” Mal stood up from the table and let Christen guide her with her hands on her shoulders into the kitchen as she kept talking. “Just can’t stop thinking. And I was up so early today, which is never good."
“I hear that.” Tobin said from where she stood doing the dishes in the kitchen, holding up a soapy hand for a high five, making Mal laugh. “You off to bed?”
“Yeah. Thanks for today, Tobs.”
“Of course. It was fun. Let’s do it again tomorrow.” Tobin had a grin on her face as she spoke and it only got bigger. “And hey, if Christen snores in the night like she usually does just let me know and I’ll handle it.”
Mal cracked up laughing and Christen shook her head, mouth open in shock. “Tobin Heath I swear – you are on such thin ice. I do not snore!” The effort of holding a serious face was pretty big as she watched in amusement at Tobin and Mal laughing. “Hope you remember where we keep the spare blankets, the couch will be cold tonight without them.”
“That’s an empty threat and you know it, Chris!” Tobin laughed as a grin threatened to form on Christen’s face and she had to turn around, walking out of the kitchen. Tobin gave Mal a quick hug and tapped her in the direction that Christen went, still laughing as she heard Christen speak to Mal in amused exasperation about her as they climbed the stairs.
----------
“It’s really nice having you here, Mal.”
Mal just hummed in agreement, eyes closed in bliss as Christen worked her hands through her curls, separating them off to put them into two French braids.
Christen chuckled softly from the edge of the bed at the girl sitting on the floor between her legs. “You know, and this isn’t me trying to convince you one way or the other at all, but if you did go pro and ended up with me here at LAFC, you could come live with me during the season.”
A smile came onto Mal’s face, her eyes still closed in content. “That would be so cool.”
When Christen finished putting the braids in Mal’s hair, she had gone so still Christen actually thought she might have fallen asleep. It wasn’t until Mal gently rested her head against the side of Christen’s knee and let out a sigh that she knew she wasn’t.
“What’s up, little love?” She asked, squeezing her shoulder in comfort.
“I know you went to college and really valued your education. But I know how much you struggled with not being called up to the national team until you moved to Sweden. If it meant getting to the national team, would you have left Stanford?”
Christen didn’t answer right away, instead taking a few breaths as she worked out how to respond. She nudged Mal up, pulling back the covers so she would get into the bed and she moved to sit beside her. “If you asked 18 year old Christen, she would have probably said yes. All I wanted was to be on the national team. Every record I broke, it didn’t matter. I had one goal and I could never seem to reach it, no matter what I did. If someone said to me leave college, play professionally, and the national team will call? I know I would have wanted to.”
Mal nodded, hanging on to Christen’s every last word.
“But I know now, and I hope you can see that too, that having that attitude was not healthy. I was so results focused. I thought that being called to the national team was the only way to really show I was a good soccer player. I would have left college, rushed into the decision, and I wouldn’t have been ready. Not being called to the national team until I moved to Sweden hurt me. But now, looking back, I wouldn’t change any of it. I know it was meant to happen that way.”
“I’m scared of making the wrong decision.”
“That’s a valid fear, Mal. No one else knows what the right decision is. Only you can make it for yourself. If it feels right for you, then it’s right.” Christen held eye contact with Mal. “And just because 18 year old Christen might have booked it from Stanford for a glance from the national team, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right decision for 18 year old Mal. I hope it has been helpful to talk to other people about why they made decisions the way they did. But you know that your situation is so unique, because you are so unique, and the decision has to be what works best for you, not what someone else would or wouldn’t have done.”
“I know.” Mal murmured, squeezing Christen’s hand. “Thank you – for everything. All of today and like, all of the hundreds of other nice things you’ve ever done for me. I knew you would help me if I called you but you and Tobin, you’ve been so giving and kind.”
“Don’t let Tobin hear you say that, she’s already got too big a head.” Christen joked, smiling when she saw Mal’s lips twitch up. She gave the girl a hug before Mal lay down, and then pulled the blankets over her. “We love you, Mal. We’ll never leave you stranded. You’re our team mate but you’re also our family. And you’re also kind of our kid.”
Christen winked with a little grin, and Mal laughed, wearing a soft smile. “I love you both too.”
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Later, after Tobin had said she wanted to watch a movie and had promptly fallen asleep on top of Christen 10 minutes in, and after Christen had finished the last chapters of her book, the two women went around the house turning off the lights as they were ready for bed.
“Don’t know what you’re doing coming up the stairs with me, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight, remember?”
Christen’s serious voice actually duped Tobin for a second and she stopped at the top of the stairs. “Tell me you’re joking.”
“Hmm, I don’t know. Depends what you’ll give me in return.”
Tobin grinned, seeing Christen was messing around. “I know you want a kiss, but just for being a brat I’m not going to give you one.”
Instead, she reached out to Christen’s sides, tickling her in surprise, eliciting an instinctive shriek from Christen who tried to scramble away but in doing so knocked them both to the ground.
“Babe, shhh!” Tobin whispered, laughing as she fell next to Christen on the floor. “Mal’s asleep.”
“You tickled me! What did you expect to happen!” Christen whispered back as she laughed into Tobin’s shoulder to muffle it, though let out a groan of regret when she heard Mal’s voice call out.
“Tobin?”
“Fuck, we woke her.” Tobin whispered, standing up quickly and pulling Christen to her feet before moving them to where the door to the spare bedroom sat slightly ajar. She poked her head in. “Hey, bud. Sorry about the noise.”
“It’s ok.” Mal said, though Tobin could tell she had more to say, so waited patiently by the door. “I wanted to ask you something.”
“Yeah?”
“Will you pray with me?”
Tobin’s heart swelled and Christen’s felt like it would near burst out of her chest. She squeezed Tobin’s hand as her girlfriend gave an emphatic agreement to Mal at her request.
“I’ll see you in bed, baby.” Christen whispered as she gave Tobin’s hand one last squeeze, feeling one in response. On her way to their room, and knowing Tobin and Mal were also asking for guidance at this time, she sent her own request up to the universe, knowing that whatever forces were at be would listen to her, and would help lead Mal to the right decision.
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When Christen awoke the next morning and silently padded into the living room only to see a figure sitting on the couch, staring out the window waiting for the sunrise, she silently padded back out again, grabbing the extra yoga mat from the closet.
“Hey,” She murmured quietly as she reentered the room, so as to not startle the young girl out of her gaze. Mal turned to look at her, soft in the morning light, and smiled back in greeting.
Knowing now wasn’t the time and place for more words, Christen held out the spare yoga mat to Mal before rolling her own one out on the floor and seeing Mal do the same. They had done yoga together a couple of times at various camps, and Mal seemed to be able to follow her different poses to a mostly successful degree.
Christen laughed to herself thinking that she was at least better than Tobin, who, whenever she could be finally convinced to try it with her, did about a pose and a half before just straight up laying on the mat and taking a nap.
When Christen finished up her last pose and moved into her meditation position, she saw Mal do the same. She knew this would be the most helpful thing for her, if she could manage to clear her head. They sat together in silence for a long time, only wrapping up when Christen felt the first ray of sunlight hit her face through the window.
“The sun’s coming up. Just like it does every day, no matter how crazy our lives get. You want to watch it?”
They sat together on the couch watching the sun appear out of the horizon. Christen was on the edge of the couch and Mal curled up to into her, leaning on her shoulder. Before the sun was even a quarter of the way up, they heard movement behind them. Both of them saw a sleepy Tobin stumble into the room, her eyes squinting as she looked around.
“C’mere, Tobs.” Christen called softly, laughing to herself when Tobin’s sleepy brain finally managed to locate the two of them on the couch, even though that’s where Christen was every single morning.
Tobin all but collapsed onto the couch, par the course, slotting herself in between Mal and the back of the couch.
“You’re comfy, Mal.” Tobin mumbled out, laying her head on Mal’s arm as she fell back asleep.
Christen tried not to laugh too hard at Tobin, not wanting to jostle the two girls who were effectively just laying on top of her. She put her arm around Mal so that the younger girl could rest her head against her shoulder better, and her hand ran through Tobin’s hair softly.
Half way through the sunrise Mal’s body got heavy and Christen looked down to see she had fallen back asleep. She figured this was good – Mal must not have slept well if she was up so early again. Surprisingly, Christen felt her own body drooping with sleep not long after, nestled comfortably into the couch with two of her favorite people cuddled into her. She figured the three of them taking a nap wouldn’t hurt.
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“Ok, so getting a free college education, that’s obviously a point for UCLA.” Tobin said, watching Mal draw a line in the sand in the UCLA column of the table she had traced out with a stick minutes before. It was the afternoon and they were relaxing at the beach one last time before Christen and Tobin would drive Mal back to college.
They had started to talk about Mal’s decision again, and Mal announced she wanted to make a table. Christen had reminded her she couldn’t exactly make the decision just based on which category had more points, but Mal said seeing it drawn out would help her with perspective. Once Christen saw it in action, she had to admit Mal had a point.
“Going pro is a higher level of soccer.” Christen said, and Mal drew a line in the Pro column.
“Going to college would mean if I got a career ending injury I would have something to fall back on.” A point for UCLA.
“Going pro would give me better exposure to the national team.” A point for Pro.
Christen watched Mal continue, as if almost talking to herself. She and Tobin had contributed a few ideas at the start, but they had slowly let Mal take over as she seemed to be finally able to get all of her back and forth arguments with herself out of her head and onto the sand. Neither Christen or Tobin had wanted to say a benefit for one side over the other that was too extreme – such as a career ending injury – as they didn’t want to freak Mal out. But it seemed like she had really thought of everything over the last few weeks, weighing up even the smallest of differences of the two options.
Mal spent a while talking to herself, drawing lines in the sand, and then staring at those lines in the sand. “They’re even. I feel like I’ve thought of everything,” She said as she looked up to the two older women, a questioning gaze on her face, before staring dejectedly back down at the lines.
There was a pause, then. A few moments of silence where all they could hear were the waves gently crashing into the shore, a few birds chirping in the distance. Christen let the silence sit, before deciding to say one last thing on the matter to Mal.
“You feel comfortable at UCLA.” Christen said, seeing Mal keep her eyes on the sand but tilt her head ever so slightly to the side to listen to what she had to say. “You know if you stayed at UCLA it would be a fun four years, but it would also be a safe four years. Going pro scares you, because the payoff is high, but so are the risks. What is stepping out of that UCLA comfort zone and facing those challenges head on worth to you?”
The look that appeared on Mal’s face was the closest Christen would ever come to seeing a lightbulb flash on over someone’s head. Mal grabbed the stick and with a renewed energy, giving as many points the ‘Pro’ column as the space would allow. Christen smiled, seeing Tobin do the same as they watched Mal realize what she wanted.
Mal circled the Pro side of the table, staring at the sand and then back up to Christen and Tobin with a smile of peace and finality that hadn’t crossed her face in a long time.
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That smile still remained, even when Tobin and Christen dropped Mal back to UCLA later that day, yelling out to her in a deliberately embarrassing fashion like moms seeing their child go off to college for the first time as she walked away from the car.
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“Chris, look, the news has been released.”
Christen looked at the phone article Tobin was holding up to her face from where they lay on the couch, Tobin leaning back on her chest. Sure enough, there was a news article with the headline they had been expecting, if not from Mal’s visit to them the week before then definitely from the text she had sent them last night, saying she had talked to the UCLA coach and to expect it in the news tomorrow.
Christen was pleased to see the article she read, and the few others that Tobin clicked through, were all reporting pretty fairly on the matter, knowing Mal didn’t need any more hardship. She saw Tobin flick her phone to the camera and hold it up so both of their faces were in it, the sunrise poking through the window behind them. They both wore proud smiles, and before Tobin could send the photo through to her, Christen took the phone, typing out a text to Mal.
Christen Press 7:14am
You choose the path of your life, no one else. Keep pushing yourself into the unknown and out of your comfort zone, that’s where you’ll grow. We’re so inspired by you, so proud of you and we love you so much.
Christen Press 7:15am
P.S. I hear LAFC has first pick allocation rights – if that’s where you want to be then the spare room here is all yours, little love X