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When the dream started, Astrid Shepard thought it was snow. But as she chased the bright eyed boy she began to think it was a nightmare. The trees were all dead and she head whispers. As she concentrated she could remember the person the voice belonged to.
Ashley.
Vermire was over 5 years ago, but Shepard would never forget her voice.
As Shepard tried to ignore Ashley's voice she noticed the 'snow' looked wrong. She swiped her hand over some flecks that had settled on her armor… the flecks smeared.
It wasn't snow… it was ash and she quickly realized it was a nightmare. She tried to catch the boy as if that would make everything okay.
But she seemed to move in slow motion and she couldn't reach the boy before the laser of a Reaper set him ablaze.
It was always at that point Shepard would snap awake.
In London, as Shepard checked in with her crew for what very well could be the last time, an acrid wind kicked up the ashes that littered the debris of the once vibrant city. She caught some in her hand as she took a minute to sit and talk to Joker.
Joker seemed to notice how the flecks made her freeze.
"Commander… you okay?" She took so long to respond Joker almost asked again, thinking she didn't hear him.
"I've been having nightmares… ever since we left Earth the day if the invasion." She wasn't looking at him and Joker wasn't sure if Shepard still remembered where she was or that he was there. "I'm running through a dead forest after a kid, I can hear Ashley's voice, and ashes are falling from the sky…" she trails off and her eyes grow glassy.
Joker brushes off the ashes from her hands the motion and the contact bringing her back to the here and now.
"Hey Imma be honest, I don't know how you haven't completely lost it at this point. But it's almost over Shepard. Within no more than 24 hours it'll be settled. For better or worse. We'll either kick the Reapers to kingdom come or have sealed our fate as 100% screwed." He patted her shoulder. "But if anyone can do it is you Commander."
"Careful Joker that optimism might make you cocky." Shepard laughed.
"I'm serious," he told her. "And, Astrid, for what it's worth…. you're like the reckless, skull cracking, ass kicking older sister I never wanted but probably needed. And…" his wise cracking facade fell and Shepard thought she saw tears threaten to fall. "And it's been an honor to kick ass with you."
Shepard pulled Joker into a hug that wouldn't break any bones but did convey how much she appreciated it.
"If we get through this Joker, we're going for drinks… the good stuff."
The explosion had Joker panicking to get the Normandy in to get Shepard out. But the retreat order had him pulling back.
And then the relays went down. It was 2 weeks before the relays powered back up and the Normandy could get back to the Sol system.
Shepard had been found. Alive but only just.
Joker kept Garrus company as he waited for Shepard to wake up. EDI had gone down too. Tali and Legion had said everything was fine and that EDI's systems had probably gone into a kind of shock and needed time to recover and reboot. Joker didn't think the Normandy felt right without her.
EDI rebooted and was back to perfect before Shepard showed any signs of stirring.
"Perhaps Shepard is taking advantage of the time to sleep." EDI joked.
And it was the first time Joker saw Garrus's haggard face even approximated a smile in a very long time.
"She certainly deserves it."
Shepard of course pulled through but even after the Reaper's were gone the nightmares still followed her. Always the same.
Boy.
Trees.
Ashley.
Ashes.
Reaper.
But Garrus was always there when she woke up.
By the time Shepard was sort of able to walk again she thought that maybe she'd got the lid on her nightmares.
She didn't.
At an Alliance banquet honoring the heroes of the war, someone accidentally lit their napkin on fire. Some of the ashes fluttered down to her hand.
Joker, sitting next to her, saw the fear flash across her face.
"Hey," he whispered to her. "Its just paper because Hackett is the only one left of Alliance Brass that can hold his liquor. You kicked the Reapers to kingdom come. They're not coming back. Ever. Even if they could they'd be too afraid they'd have to deal with you putting your boot so far up their asses you can kick the back of their teeth."
He took her hand and smudged the ashes into a smiley face.
The fear melted and she had a laughing fit.
"Thank you Joker."
" 'S what I do." He quipped.
Joker's remarks wouldn't stop the nightmares but she had Garrus for that. And once Hackett got whiff of them Shepard was all but ordered to some therapy not just for her broken body but for her mind as well.
But she no longer winced at ashes. And when it came time to scatter Anderson's ashes. The tears on her face when some of the ashes drifted back to them on the wind weren't from fear but sadness at a lost friend.
“You doin’ okay?” Joker asked as they both limped back to the shuttle.
She took a moment. “No, not really. But in time I might be.”
“Well let me know if you need me to draw more smiley faces for you.”