Work Text:
"I don't love her I don't love her I don't love her I don't love her."
How many times are you gonna say it until you pretend you believe it?
"She has Sol. She has Sol. She has Sol. She has Sol."
So? He doesn't know anything about her! You don't know much about him either, but you know he's not gonna appreciate her like you do.
You know that it doesn't matter what she tells him about all the other people she's loved before. he's never gonna know where all the wounds that never healed are. He's gonna hurt her and maybe it'll be an accident. he'll apologize and maybe he'll be sincere but her smile and "it's ok" are hiding the most awful doubt that no one will ever love her as much as she loves everyone else. Because she doesn't show negative emotions often. She doesn't like conflict. She just wants everyone to be ok.
You know how much it hurts her. You know where those holes are. You were there when the worthless assholes dug them. And you couldn't do a damn thing about it because it was "love".
You smiled and told her you were happy for her but on the inside you were boiling. A cold kind
of fire that you wish you could unleash on them for even the tiniest hint of their capability of deceiving her. You don't want it to happen again but you can't stop her. You gotta pretend you have the same hope she does that "maybe he's the one". You feel sick thinking about those words and double sick because your not suppose to feel anything. You know your not suppose to care but your pacing your room because you know. you know that even if he's everything she thinks she wants, he's never gonna be able to appreciate her for all the things she is.
He's never gonna figure out what it means when she tilts her head like that or makes that face. You've decoded it, either by sheer boredom or because you just couldn't stop looking at her.
He's gonna make her coffee wrong and he's gonna fight her on the subjects you know not to touch because you know what she's stubborn about and you know where you disagree and you’re both ok with that. Every fight was just a step towards understanding each other. Barriers few people can even fathom let alone break.
Or at least it felt that way to you.
You know she likes the radio volume set on even numbers and you make sure every time even though you're inclined to set it on intervals of 5. And when she shuffles your music because you have all the "good songs" that you wouldn't even actually have if she didn't say she liked them. And you always skip "that one song" because that was "their song" and you saw the way her heart broke when it reminded her of him and how her mind wandered away to things you were suppose to be distracting her from. the tears that welled up in her eyes as she whispered the lyrics that meant the most to her made them look like galaxies, but from that point on you've never played it because the kind of pain in her face you've never known in all the years before him she's barely ever been so upset. You'll hate that one forever even if you never see him again.
You're terrified Sollux will play it even though he probably doesn't even like the same music. You're scared he'll pretend to like her songs instead of loving them for being hers. He doesn't know the jokes that make her laugh the kind of laugh that could cure cancer you swear. He doesn't know what she's insecure about and what she's proud of and you could go on forever about how even on bad hair days she still looks like a goddess to you. And you're terrified he's not gonna appreciate every inch of her the way he says he will. You're terrified he's gonna say "I love you" and it's not gonna equal half of hers.
She loves animals and the ocean but she'll only drink purified water because “all the other ones taste gross”. You agree. You'd never have to buy any other kind. If he ever tries to give her tap water you'll snap his neck......
That's not how your suppose to think about friends. You're not sure how much you made up there. Your dramatic as is. How are you supposed to know what's real fire works and what's just you being a hopeless romantic? (Emphasis on the hopeless.)
you don't care. You really really don't care that she likes him. You just can't bear the thought of him making her sad about life. You've sat there while she cried sobs of despair you couldn't understand and you didn't want to see but you gave her blankets and made her hot chocolate and got her whatever she asked for because maybe you couldn't say anything nice or helpful but you could at least be there.
Your hands start to go numb and you realize for the last hour they've been clenched so tight it burns in your arms. You try to relax but the second you stop hating him you just feel sad.
Because you're all alone now. alone and bitter in your room loving her with more of your heart than that careless selfish prick could even find within himself to give.
You sigh and fall onto your bed and stare at the ceiling, feeling so tired and so dead and you know it shouldn't matter that he's not gonna treat her like the princess you would, but you can't help but feel jealous of him for the time he wastes with her instead of wishing the clock would stop while he's there.
You love her so much you can't even put it into words but you can't love her the way Sollux can so you must not love her at all. And maybe if you keep telling yourself how much you don't care and don't love her, you'll believe it.
Repeat it. If only to keep something rolling off your tongue to fill the empty space you'd both be talking in if he didn't exist.
"I don't love her." You whisper out loud as you close your eyes so tight you feel tears and try not to notice how freezing cold you are and those words are the worst lie you've ever told and you can't do a damn thing but miss her with every miserable bone in your body.