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Dan and his mum always scheduled their phone calls. His nana, not so much, but at least Dan could count on his mum to not call him out of the blue just before dinner on a Wednesday night. For good reason too, because it was almost impossible to get him to answer his phone.
This call was not scheduled.
The incoming call screen interrupted the video he was watching, and everything in Dan wanted to ignore it. The sudden disruption when a call came in always filled him with a pang of anxiety. But it was his mum, and the guilt of ignoring her overpowered the anxiety.
“Mum?” He answered and sat up straighter in his bed.
“Dan, hi, you answered.” Her voice was strained and shaky.
“I don’t remember you saying you were going to call. Is everything all right?”
“Um… no darling, not quite.”
His stomach plummeted. He struggled to properly sit, perched at the edge of his bed, as if that would help him concentrate further on the conversation.
“Mum? What is it? What’s wrong?” He asked quickly, grasping for answers.
She hesitated. With every second that Dan waited for his mum’s response, a sense of dread built up around him, weighing down on him, pushing his shoulders in on himself.
“Your… your father-” a breathy sob interrupted her. She was crying.
His father. Was he dead? Dying? Injured? Dan’s mind twisted around the graphic, terrifying possibilities of what could’ve happened to his dad. He realized just how long it had been since he’d talked to his father. And even then, it was a stunted conversation, filled with reserved judgments, underhanded remarks, and a complete lack of understanding or support for Dan’s life. Would that be the last time they would ever speak?
Dan couldn’t stand to wait any longer. “Is he okay? What happened?”
“Your father and I are getting a divorce.”
It was like the earth tilted, everything shifting sideways, the fundamental axis of his life ever so slightly altered.
Dan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Oh.”
He couldn’t think of anything else to say.
His mother sniffled, trying to pull herself together. Dan could practically hear her close off, isolating her emotions from reality in a way that he also knew how to do all too well.
“He’s moved out; I’ll be keeping the house. Adrian is staying with nana for now. I’m not sure if he will call to tell you, but I thought you should hear it from me first.”
“Are you okay?” Dan asked, hollowly. It was a pathetic question, and he knew it.
“I’m… I’ll be fine. I think this was a long time coming.” She sounded so resigned.
That didn’t surprise him at all. Images of his childhood, rocky and unstable, pulled at the corners of his mind. There weren’t very many bright, happy memories. Instead, he could vividly remember wishing as a child that his parents would separate.
Young Daniel had finally gotten his wish, years after he had grown up and moved away.
He heard his mum cough, and Dan realized the silence had stretched on for too long.
“I’m sorry, mum.” He didn’t know why he was apologizing, but it felt like the only thing to say.
Some cynical voice in the back of his head reminded him that without Dan, perhaps they never would have stayed together in the first place. His very existence was likely the reason they had ever gotten married. And now divorced.
“Don’t- no, it’s going to be okay. We haven’t been happy for a very long time. This will be for the better. I promise. You’ll come home for Christmas, and it’ll all be happy and normal and fine, yeah?” It sounded less like a promise and more like a wish.
Dan wished he had that kind of optimism.
“Yeah, mum. It’ll be nice.” He tried to sound hopeful. Christmas without his father might actually be an improvement. But most definitely not normal.
“Okay, well, I better let you go,” she sighed.
He was grateful that the cringingly awkward conversation was finally over, but he felt awful to leave his mum alone. “I’ll call you again soon.”
“Yes, I’d like that. And your brother- try talking to him. I’m not sure how well he’s taken this.”
“Okay, I will,” Dan promised. Then quickly, he added, “I love you, mum.”
“I love you too, bear. Bubye.”
The call disconnected. Dan dropped his phone, hands sweaty from holding it so tightly.
The surroundings of the bedroom came into focus again; he had been staring so intensely at the grey carpet; everything else faded away. It was dizzying how his whole life had changed, yet simultaneously nothing was different. Dan still had his life here in London with Phil- his dream life with his dream boyfriend. But an hour away in Wokingham, nothing was a dream, his family was falling apart, and he wasn’t there.
“Dan?” Phil called from somewhere else in the flat. Dan didn’t really hear him.
There was the sound of feet on the stairs, and suddenly Phil was in the doorway. “Dan?”
Dan looked up from where he was sitting on the edge of the bed, but his gaze drifted elsewhere, not quite focusing on anything in particular.
“I texted you about di- what’s wrong?”
Dan blinked. “My uh, my mum just called.” He paused as his mind formed around the words he was about to say. It didn’t feel real. “My parents are getting divorced.” He looked back at the ground. He could see Phil’s notifications on the screen of his phone by his feet.
“Oh my god, Dan.” Phil rushed over, kneeling in front of him. “Are you okay?”
Phil’s voice was filled with so much worry and sympathy, but it just echoed in Dan’s ears.
“Hey, babe, look at me,” Phil said gently. He cradled Dan’s cheeky, tilting his boyfriend’s head to look at him. Phil brushed Dan’s fringe to the side and asked, “What can I do?”
“I don’t know,” Dan whispered, still not looking Phil in the eyes. It would make him feel too much. Phil’s eyes, especially when looking at Dan, were always filled with so much depth and emotion. It could be overwhelming.
“Come here.”
Phil got up, climbing into bed and pulling Dan with him. He brought Dan in close to his chest and tugged the comforter over them. Dan let himself be handled into a comfortable position for both of them, eventually tucking his head under Phil’s chin and against his clavicle. He breathed in the warm scent of aftershave and their laundry detergent. It was so soothing and calmed the dizziness in his head. Dan closed his eyes and let his mind wander away from reality for a little while.
Sometime later, Dan could feel Phil running his hands through his hair. It felt nice. He wondered how long it had been, and if he fell asleep. With a sigh, Dan leaned back to look up at Phil, who immediately gave him a soft kiss.
Finally looking into Phil’s eyes, he saw that they were sad. Dan had learned what colors Phil’s eyes turned for different feelings. They were bright blue when he was happy. But when he was sad and worried, the green and yellow stood out more, blending with the blue to make a pale shade of teal. It was by far the prettiest color they could be, but Dan was grateful he didn’t see it very often.
Phil didn’t say anything, and Dan could tell he was waiting for him to break the silence. If he had to talk about it, he wanted Phil to continue playing with his hair, so Dan nuzzled into Phil’s shoulder. Phil hummed contentedly, getting the signal and bringing his hand back up to pet him.
“You know, I always wanted them to get divorced,” Dan finally spoke, voice neutral. “I just wanted them to stop fighting. And… and I wanted my Dad gone.”
“Oh, Dan. I’m so sorry.” Phil squeezed him tighter.
“I don’t know if it’s better that they waited till we were more grown-up, or if they should have done it earlier.”
“I think that’s too complicated to say.”
“Maybe I’d be less messed up that way.” He tried to make it a joke, but instead, his words were woeful.
“Shh. You’re not messed up,” Phil lightly chastised.
Dan scoffed. “Now, my family is properly messed up. And I don’t even feel like a real part of it.”
Phil stilled his hand at the nape of Dan’s neck, tugging just a little so Dan would look up at him.
“Yeah?”
“You have me now. I’m your family,” Phil told him, and Dan smiled faintly.
Dan knew he would always have Phil, forever.