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It was her idea to tag along with Chaeyoung to the party. With the mindset of ‘this is her third year of college so she should be attending this kind of thing like everyone else instead of just joining clubs and whatnot’. It doesn’t help that Chaeyoung kept egging her on to join, pestering her to ‘live a little’, fueling her need to show the girl that she is in fact ‘living her damn life to the fullest’. But as Dahyun looked back at her past self, agreeing to go to the party out of spite, she’s regretting it more and more as the night went on.
The deep bass of shitty dubstep pounding along the wall of the house reverberates within the pit of her stomach; reminding her of something. Makeshift lights hurting her eyes as it danced all over the room. People grinding against each other smashed out of their minds and throwing up all over the place makes her think which part of living their life is this supposed to be. The fact that she’s a bit overdressed, with her white long-sleeved blouse, jeans and sneakers don’t help quell the anxiety that’s been steadily rising the moment she sets foot into the house.
At least the girls are pretty, she thought. But she would never talk to them, so she settles by watching at a corner of the house, far from everyone else. Sana, a chem major that is notorious for her flirting, is grinding on the makeshift dance floor with Nayeon, the owner of the house, whom she met once in class.
But the girl took a liking to her straight away, hence why she got invited to this party in the first place. The house belongs to her with her friends. The notorious Sana, Jihyo the president of the tennis club and Momo the president of the dance club. The two presidents heavily making out on the couch pushed to the wall to accommodate the dance floor. Wild.
She’s thinking of ways to not be seen or approached by anyone, but she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was Chaeyoung with two drinks in each hand.
“Dubs, here, something to drink,” Chaeyoung handed her a drink while taking a sip of the other one.
She took a sniff, her nose flinching at the scent; fruity and strong, “what is it?”
“Dunno, Jeongyeon made it. It’s good though.”
“Is she a bartender now? How can you not know what’s in your drink Chaeyoung?” She scolded her.
“Relax Dahyun, I trust Jeongyeon with my whole life.” And Dahyun trusts her friend, somewhat.
They stood around in the corner, Chaeyoung bopping her head to the song while Dahyun slowly sipped the alcohol in her hand, liking it; grateful that Chaeyoung doesn’t just leave her by herself. Suddenly Chaeyoung stopped and stares at the other side of the house, heart in her eyes. Dahyun immediately knew what it meant.
“Chou Tzuyu?”
“U-huh.”
She’s fussing with her clothes now, pulling here and there to make herself look presentable. ‘Young love,’ Dahyun thought. “you’re gonna talk to her?”
“Should I?” she looked nervous, hands trembling but Dahyun has been watching her best friend pining this girl for ages now and really, why not right? It’s a night of miracles because she’s out here; ‘partying’.
“You think you’re ready? If you are, go for it.” She watched as Chaeyoung took a deep breath, determination in her eyes. “You’ve been sending her heart eyes in the hallways for years now and she never looks away. You can do this.”
“Thanks, Dubs,” Chaeyoung said gratefully. “You’re gonna be fine by yourself?”
“I’m older than you,” she said in a deadpanned tone.
Chaeyoung rolled her eyes and pat her back, sight set on Tzuyu and took off to charm her pants off, she shuddered at the thought.
So Dahyun is by herself now, resolving to people watching. The house is getting full to the brim with drunk and horny college kids and they’re making their way into her space, so Dahyun needed to change her location lest she gets squished by them.
She went upstairs, finding comfort from the chaos downstairs. Her head is a buzz from the drink Jeongyeon concocted. She wants to leave, but she doesn’t want to seem rude by leaving early, even though she doesn’t know how long she’s been here.
Her bladder feels full, so she hoped one of these doors will lead her to a bathroom. She tried opening the first door, locked. She went to the second door, nope, it’s a bedroom. Thirds time a charm she thought as she twists the knob for the third door. She’s gonna punch the person that created that proverb.
It is a bathroom alright. But there’s Chaeyoung on her knees with Chou Tzuyu standing half-naked above her from the waist down. She shields her virgin eyes, scrambling to get out.
“Jesus Christ, my eyes!”
“Dahyun! What the f—” She closed the door before Chaeyoung could finish her sentence. Backing herself into a door and pushed herself into the room. She’s completely sober now, the need to pee dissipated like her innocence. At least Chaeyoung got the girl, in more ways than one.
‘That was, traumatizing,’ she thought. She sat on the bed, contemplating her life decisions. She’s venturing too far out of her comfort zone and she just wants to go back home, lay on her bed watching Netflix or something to bleach her brain from the debauchery she saw. Rude be damn. After the initial shock had subsided, Dahyun looked around the room she’s in.
The room looked lived in, with the bed unmade, trophies and achievements littering the shelves as well as polaroid photos hanging by the dresser. There’s a lone penguin plushy abandoned on the floor that Dahyun picked up and put back on the bed, feeling sorry for it. She walked towards the plethora of trophies, reading the accomplishments on it.
Most of it is from ballerina competitions held by the college she’s in. The date started from 2014 and ended in 2017. Dahyun searched for the most recent achievements but it was nowhere to be found. ‘Odd,’ she thought. Because this person must be passionate about what they’re doing. For it to stop just there doesn’t add up, in Dahyun’s understanding.
As she explores the room, something in the corner of her eyes caught her attention. A pair of shoes under the opened windowsill. It’s not weird for shoes to be in a room, but for it to be neatly put under an opened window, that’s bizarre in Dahyun’s eyes.
She got curious and started to investigate, head popping out the window. There’s a ledge outside that leads towards the roof. Her feeling of curiosity got the best of her, so she stepped out to see if there is a person outside on the roof. She carefully shimmied along the ledge, not paying attention to her surroundings other than her feet.
“Hi.”
“Holy sh—” A hand grabbed onto hers, steadying her from falling to her death.
“Woah there,” the voice giggled, pulling her in more onto the roof. Dahyun clutched her chest, exasperated for having a second heart attack in a day. “You okay?”
Dahyun turned around to be greeted by a sight of a beautiful girl. If she wasn’t so scared of almost falling to her demise, Dahyun would’ve waxed poetry at how ethereal the girl looked with the moon as her background and moles doting her face like constellations. Something that Dahyun wants to trace with her fingers.
“Yeah, I-I’m good. Not my first heart attack of the day,” she stammered out, a bit wary whether this girl is real or not. The girl looked at her oddly but then proceed to burst out giggling. ‘Even her giggling is cute,’ Dahyun thought.
“You had a heart attack before this?” Her tone questioning.
“Yeah, just a couple of minutes ago.” When the girl looked at her encouragingly to explain, who is Dahyun to say no to that face. “I, uh, walked in on my friend going down on her crush in the bathroom. I looked at the crush straight in the eyes so I’m still reeling from it.”
The girl immediately covered her mouth, burst out laughing in what Dahyun can describe as elegant because it felt like she’s in the presence of royalty. She couldn’t help but join in too, laughing at how ridiculous and embarrassing it was.
“Not what I expected, but that’s really funny.”
“I’m glad my traumatic experience pleases you.”
“Oh, it does actually.” The girl grinned at her and Dahyun grinned back.
She outstretched her hand, “Kim Dahyun.” The girl took it and shakes, “Mina.”
“So, Mina, watcha doing out here?” Dahyun asked.
Hugging her knees to her chest, she murmured, “to get away from the madness.”
“Oh, cool, same.”
They stayed silent after that. Dahyun not knowing what else to ask because her curiosity is sated. The noise from the party downstairs doesn’t reach their little nook of solace, which is a huge relieve for her because she doesn’t know if she can listen to any more shitty dubstep; Nayeon has such peculiar taste in music. However, the silent does stretch on, but surprisingly it’s not unpleasant.
“Do you like water Dahyun?”
Dahyun looked at her, bewildered by the sudden question. But Mina looked serious about it. “To drink? Sure, cause it’s healthy… but I love swimming if that’s what you meant?”
“Have you ever felt like you’re drowning underwater but you’re not even near any water?” Mina asked again.
It’s not the oddest question she’s ever gotten—Chaeyoung once asked her how turkey mates—but it’s somewhat very specific and unexpectedly relatable to her because she does have those moments.
Especially when her parents were fighting, their voices reverberating against the wall of the house that Dahyun was afraid that it would collapse on her. The aftermath of it is when she’s usually feeling it; in her room on the floor with clenching fists trying hard to catch her breath as she drowned under her star-filled ceiling. She’s glad she’s out of that environment, for the time being. “I-uh, have sometimes,” she answered, heart-clenching.
Mina flashed her an enigmatic smile, sad in a way. “How do you stop it?”
“Are you ‘drowning’? Like right now?
“Before you came.”
It struck her, how someone can just go through such a traumatic experience, even with some amazing moments happening next door i.e. Chaeyoung having the time of her life. Having to deal with it alone is even more daunting because you’re not even sure you can get out of that pool alive or not, speaking from experience. Dahyun got up, as high as she can and scoot towards Mina's side, laying down beside her. She coaxed Mina to do the same too.
Now they’re shoulder to shoulder, with the night sky above and the roof’s hard shingles digging into their back. “Usually when I’m… ‘drowning’, I count the stars my mom and I paste on the ceiling,” she whispered, remembering back the simpler time. “How about you?”
“I curled up, listening to my heartbeat,” Mina answered, breath shaky. “Your way sounds better though. It’s… distracting.”
“It depends on people.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” she murmured.
Suddenly the atmosphere changed when Mina took in a shuddering breath. “I stayed here tonight, thinking I was getting…good. But the pressure was too overwhelming.” She grabbed Dahyun’s hand and squeezed it, sucking the strength out of it. “I couldn’t—,” her voice choked. “Everyone expected too much from me,” the breath she released was shaky as if she’s about to cry. “I couldn’t pretend anymore.”
Then Dahyun remembered, about a law student—a girl—that had to take a break from everything. A top student that was active in every way that she can, in clubs, in associations, in communities. A ballerina fell from grace after she got an injury during a show. A rumor circulated about how she couldn’t continue because she couldn’t handle the pressure of it. She heard a sob, shoulder shaking against her and the hand in hers tightened even more. Mina is crying.
“Mina?” Dahyun called out. But all she can hear is Mina choking on her sobs. She got on her elbow, to assess the situation. Dahyun’s heart broke at how painful she looked, trying to take in the air she’s lost and clenching her eyes tightly to stop the tears from falling. But the more she’s holding it in, the more tears escape her. This is what she was going through before Dahyun came?
“Mina, if you hear me squeeze my hand,” Dahyun coaxed her. When she felt a squeeze, she’s glad that Mina’s not deep underwater yet. “Open your eyes for me and we’ll count the stars, please?”
With a few more coaxing, Mina slowly opened her eyes, staring straight ahead into the open sky, hiccupping, still short of breath. Dahyun lay back down again, using the hand joined to Mina’s to point towards the sky. She starts counting.
Dahyun thought to herself, as she counts to 50, as she feels Mina’s even breathing, she would count a thousand stars for Mina, if it meant she could give the girl the peace that she needs.
“Dahyun,” Mina breathes out, intertwining their hands together, tilting her head to lay against Dahyun’s shoulder. “Thank you. I’m sorry for unloading like that to you.”
“No problem.”
“We don’t even know each other,” Mina laughed out, teary, incredulous. But, to Dahyun it felt like she had known her, her whole life. Is that weird? To suddenly feel like you’ll do anything for a person that you’ve never met before, never even seen at a glance. Dahyun must be a madwoman then.
“Sometimes you just have to, you know?”
They stay in that position for a couple of minutes or even hours. Dahyun lost track of time with the way Mina toys with her fingers, lulling her to sleep. But Mina always has something to say, to fill in the silence, “do you wanna swim?”
So, they make their way downstairs, to the pool. It’s already 1 in the morning, so the party is over. She didn’t even realize that, too deep into Mina that she forgot she’s in someone else’s house. But it won’t matter how late she’ll go back home. No one is waiting for her.
It came down to just a handful of people in the house. The music is calming instead of heavy bass, much to Dahyun’s delight. All that’s left is Sana, Momo, Jihyo, and Nayeon sitting in the middle of the dance floor eating chips and playing a board game, with Jeongyeon passed out on the couch next to them. Chaeyoung is nowhere to be found, so hopefully, she’s okay and wearing protection.
They went out to the back, unnoticed. The pool is decent sized, the standard shallow to deep end square-shaped that you see in TVs and movies. There’s no one else outside other than them. The air is crisp but not uncomfortable, a sign that autumn is approaching; her favorite season. She’s looking around the backyard, distracted by the pink flamingo pool toy floating away at the side, not noticing Mina was already stripping down to her underwear.
When she turned around, she immediately looked away, face flushed. “Oh! You weren’t joking.”
“You think I was?” She chuckled.
“Kinda? Maybe, I don’t know. We just went through some quote-unquote drowning moment, so I thought you wouldn’t want to actually be anywhere near water—” her rumbling was cut off by Mina coming near her.
Mina sighed out, amusement on her face, “despite that, I actually like being under real water. It’s more calming than the,” she made air signs, “quote-unquote drowning moment that we had,” she reached out to unbutton her blouse. Dahyun too shocked just stood still until Mina finished unbuttoning the last one. She backed off, a cheeky smile on her face and slowly walked into the pool backward, enticing.
Dahyun took off everything in record time and followed suit. It was cold at first but as she waddled more to the deep end, it’s a lot warmer and comfortable. Soon, she’s standing on her tiptoes, water up to her neck, licking her chin.
“How long can you hold your breath?” Mina asked, waddling towards her.
“30 seconds? A minute? Not sure.”
“That long?”
“I like swimming,” she stated. “Is that long?”
Mina smiled at her, grabbing onto her hands, pulling her close and slowly submerging herself underwater. Dahyun mimicked this, not letting go of the hands intertwining with hers. It is more calming in actual underwater than a metaphorical one.
Everything became quiet all at once, even the humdrum thoughts in her head were silence; a miracle. She kneeled to be able to sink further to the bottom and when her knees hit the hard floor of the pool, she opened her eyes. She instantly made eye contact with Mina. Despite her blurry vision, she couldn’t help but marvel at how otherworldly the other girl is. Especially with the light penetrating through the pool, illuminating them, adding to the ambiance.
She can see Mina leaning forward and the next thing she knew, soft lips were pressed against hers. It didn’t surprise her as she thought it would. The moments that they shared with each other from the beginning had been building up to this, and Dahyun reveled in it.
Mina held her jaw, tilting her head so she could kiss her deeper. Dahyun opened her mouth, letting go of the breath that she’s holding when she felt Mina’s tongue licking her lips for entry. It was slow, deep, magical as they kept on kissing. Her lungs were burning by this point but Dahyun doesn’t feel like stopping. But all good things must come to an end when Dahyun started to feel light-headed.
She pulled back, swimming upward and dragging Mina with her. When they breached the surface, both sputtered out water and breathe in precious air that was lost. When she got her bearings, she realized that Mina was laughing. Full, joyous and hearty that makes Dahyun’s heart skipped a beat. She laughed too; the feeling contagious.
“Didn’t think I would almost d-die from my first kiss,” she cackled.
“Your first?” Mina asked, her laughter died down.
Dahyun nodded, observing her reaction. Nervous at what it’ll be.
She looked guilty. Eyes cast down as if she’s ashamed, “I’m sorry it’s with someone like me.”
Dahyun felt her heart throbbed at the reaction. Did Mina really think Dahyun wouldn’t want her first kiss to be with her? “Don’t be,” she grasped her chin, getting her attention. “Because I really wanted you to kiss me,” Dahyun leaned forward, wanting to catch those lips again.
“Dahyun!”
She stopped in her track, head whipping back at the voice of her best friend. “Chaeyoung?”
“Dude, what're you doing swimming at 1 am? I know you’re like a fish but like, are you drunk? I—oh hello,” Chaeyoung stopped her ranting, staring behind her.
Mina waddled past her, pulling her towards the stairs. “Your friend is right, it’s getting kinda late for a swim,” She said, flashing her a smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. When they got out of the pool, it was pretty much chaotic because the hosts came outside and fuss over them.
Nayeon gave her a towel to get dry, Jihyo lectured them both about the danger of swimming at night, Sana gave her some spare undies with a wink and Momo gave them snacks to eat. It was chaotic, but lovely, in a way. Apparently, Mina lives here with them as she sees how gentle they’re treating her.
She sat on the floor with Chaeyoung, eating some snacks that Momo provided them. She watched the hosts busying themselves, cleaning the house. Picking up discarded drinks and chuck it into a plastic bag. Dahyun volunteered to help, but they politely declined. The sound of Jeongyeon’s snore served as background noise for them.
“I thought you already left.”
“Actually, I went to your apartment and you weren’t there. I got worried,” Chaeyoung began explaining. “That’s why I came back here to check if you’re around.” She messed with her hair; a nervous tick she’s always had since Dahyun had known her. “I’m sorry I just left you like that; it’s your first party and I just leave you alone for some girl—"
Dahyun cuts her off, “you take that back, she’s not just some girl, she’s The Chou Tzuyu.” That immediately shuts her up. “Chaengie, I’m the one that should’ve been sorry because I didn’t even tell you where I was.” She scratched her neck, realized how shitty that was. “Besides, you know I can take care of myself.” Chaeyoung nodded vigorously, agreeing. “And I thought you were, uh, busy with Tzuyu, so I didn’t want to interrupt anything, again.”
Chaeyoung’s face flushed, looking anywhere but her friend, “we, uh, didn’t…do it…”
“Oh?” Dahyun was rightfully confused. Isn’t that what Chaeyoung wanted.
“When you barged in, we were about to,” she gestured with her hands, “but we couldn’t. Not when we’re not in the right mind and stuff.”
“Awww,” Dahyun cooed.
“Fuck off and listen,” that shuts Dahyun up, rude. “We’re kind of dating now? I have her number and stuff but I’m not sure?” She rambled on confused.
“Kind of?” She scoffed. “Son Chaeyoung, you were on your knees in a dirty bathroom for her and you didn’t even clarify whatever the hell it is you guys are.” She hits Chaeyoung’s shoulder repeatedly, disappointed at how clueless her friend is. “I was traumatized because of you, you heathen!”
Chaeyoung cowered in fear, trying her best to avoid the onslaught of assault, “I’M CALLING HER TOMORROW, STOP!”
“Girls,” Jihyo calmly called for them and they stopped whatever it is they’re doing, Dahyun mid-swing. “Would you like to stay here for the night? It’s quite late.”
They looked at each other, having a silent conversation with their eyes. It is 3 am, but Dahyun doesn’t want to intrude longer than she needed to because she’s never comfortable in a new place and she needed to unwind her emotions in the comfort of her own home. Chaeyoung saw this, understanding her friend’s hesitation.
“We’re sorry unnie, but we really need to get back home,” Chaeyoung explained apologetically while Dahyun is having whiplashed because Chaeyoung is being respectful all of a sudden.
“Okay, I’ll ask Momo to send you guys back then.” Before they could decline, Jihyo gave them a leveled stare, shutting them up.
They’re getting ready to leave, Momo is searching for the car keys.
“Dahyun,” Mina called for her. She’s in her pajamas now.
“Oh, hey Mina, I’m going back now,” she said awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.
“Oh, okay.” She sounds disappointed but tried to mask it with a smile.
They stood still, swaying on their feet, tongue-tied. The end of it all is near as soon as Momo found the keys. She doesn’t know if Mina even wanted to talk about what happened or if everything that had happened tonight stays in this house like a distant memory. Dahyun was about to spiral into her thoughts until Mina hugged her.
Mina whispered into her ear, gratefully, reverently, “thank you Dahyun, for counting the stars for me.”
Dahyun closed her eyes, breathing in her scent, the smell of chlorine invading her nose with a hint of jasmine underneath; committing it to memory. She’s trying hard not to let any tears fall. Momo came from behind with the keys so they had to eventually separate. Her steps were heavy as she walked out the door.
Mina followed her until they leave the house, watching her by the door until she’s in the car. She wondered if Mina still watched her as the car zoomed off into the night, disappearing behind buildings. She couldn’t look back, afraid of the reality sinking in deep into her bones.
When she reached her apartment, with Chaeyoung in tow immediately heading towards the guest room, she sat on her couch in the darkness. All she could feel, as she counts the fingers on her hands, the ringing sound of underwater overlapping her senses, is a terrible sense of longing, for something that could’ve, should’ve or would’ve been a reality.
As months passed, seasons changed and semesters anew, Dahyun goes through it as best as she can. She did go back to the house, a week later with her heart in her hand. But unfortunately, Nayeon had to tell her, with difficulty, that Mina left, to go back home in Japan. It knocked the wind out of her, when she heard it, Nayeon immediately hugging her as she trembled on her doorsteps. She got back home that day with a penguin plushy in her hand, it lay discarded on her bed.
It took her a semester to stop feeling like shit, to stop longing for the girl that had possibly stolen her heart and flew away with it. Chaeyoung staying by her side through it all, despite not knowing what happened, being the best friend that she is by letting her third wheel to every date that she has with Tzuyu.
It was hard at first to look at Tzuyu in the eyes, remembering what happened that night, but with every meeting, they became the best of friends, tag-teaming in teasing Chaeyoung as much as they can. She observed, how beautiful their relationship is, blooming each day in front of her. There’s no malice in her heart nor jealousy. Her friend deserved this kind of happiness. Her friend that had helped her paste glow-in-the-dark star stickers on her ceiling and stayed with her counting each one of it over and over when she remembered.
She remembered alright, oh boy does she remember. Whenever she swims, whenever she smelled a hint of jasmine in the air, whenever she sees the stars at night, whenever she lay underwater in her bathtub with the memory of chlorine-filled kiss looping in her head.
But now, as she walked across the hallway towards her first class of the semester, the memory was kept in the back burner of her mind; never forgotten. She almost didn’t see her, but the familiarity of her stare, all those nights ago as Dahyun left the house, pricked her heart that she couldn’t help but look back.
The smell of jasmine enveloped her senses as Mina hugged her in the tightest way possible and Dahyun hugged back, clinging to the possibility of it.
“Dahyun,” Mina called for her, voice trembling.
Dahyun took a deep breath, the feelings, the memories, the moments, crashing down on her in the most overwhelming way possible, but not unwelcome; never unwelcome. “Mina,” she exhaled out the breath that she’s been holding.