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Today was the day Lapis was going to make it right with Connie. She had thought that other days would be the day, but that was old Lapis. New Lapis knew how to talk to people without sarcasm. New Lapis was full of people skills and enthusiasm.
She found Connie making herself a sandwich in the kitchen, and began her pitch.
"I noticed you don't really cry. Did you maybe spend, like, five minutes in a prison cell?" Lapis asked.
Connie frowned. "Five minutes?"
"Five hundred years?" Lapis suggested.
"Are you…" Connie hesitated. She looked scared. "Are you trying to figure out what the human equivalent of being locked in a mirror for five thousand years is?"
Lapis nodded. Perfect. Her communication was so flawless that Connie had already guessed the topic.
"And your first two guesses were five minutes and five hundred years?"
Lapis frowned. "Your voice is really judgmental right now, Connie."
"I'm… Sorry?" Connie tried.
Hmm. This wasn't going well at all. Lapis looked down at the beach. Should she abandon the conversation now? Just fly off into the cloudless sky and come back once the human cooled off?
No. That was her strategy the last two times. If she did it a third time, it'd be suspicious.
"It's fine. So, have you?"
"Have I… Have I been to prison? No. I mean, I cry sometimes."
"Your eyes get wet. That's not crying." No, that was too aggressive. Maybe she could pull it back with a compliment? "That's pretty cool. I hate crying too."
Perfect. This was going well.
Connie was staring at her. "Thank you?"
Lapis had warmed her up, now it was time for the big moment. "I'm sorry you can't breathe underwater."
Connie looked like that rabbit Lapis had found her in garden right before she used a water bubble to move it three miles away from her cabbages. Which was odd, because she was pretty sure that rabbit had been freaked out.
She continued to explain. "That time I nearly drowned you? Sorry you can't breathe underwater. I didn't know humans have to breathe every three minutes. Now I know exactly how long it takes to drown a human."
"Are you threatening me?" Connie whispered. "What is happening? I'm so confused."
Fuck. Yet another swing and a miss. Was the conversation long enough that she could fly away without suspicion? No. Connie thought she was going to kill her. She'd definitely tell Steven about this. Fuck.
"It's an apology for trying to kill you," she said, a little faster. "And I definitely don't want to do it anymore."
Connie stared down at her sandwich. "Thank you, Lapis. That was a great apology. I'm going to take this and go eat on the porch now."
"Want company?" That was too fast. Don't be clingy. Make it cool. Lapis did double finger guns, and internally clapped herself on the back. Saved it again.
“You really don’t have to do that.” Connie smiled. “I can eat all on my own! I’m used to it. Do it all the time at school.”
“I know you can, but you’re not going to,” Lapis promised. Why did Connie look like the rabbit again?
She followed Connie outside to the sunshine, where Connie sat and Lapis stood in awkward silence. Nope. It wasn’t awkward, because Lapis was nailing it one hundred percent. This was going well. There was no need to fly away. She was going to make friends with Connie. Steven was going to love it when he got back and her and Connie were doing fine.
“I like the way you use a sword,” Lapis said, crossing her arms across her chest as she leaned against the house. “It’s pretty cool that you figured it out even though you don’t have a gem to pull it out of. Is it weird carrying it around?”
Connie thoughtfully chewed on her sandwich. “Kinda? I don’t carry it around everywhere, or else it would get weird. I only take it when I think I’ll need it.”
“Earth’s full of water, so I always have a weapon. Pretty lame out in space though.” Connie made a sound of agreement, still eating, and Lapis was about 90% sure that she had nailed having a normal conversation. There had to be a way to end it without it being weird. She tried to remember all the lessons she had learned from Camp Pining Hearts. Oh, of course. “I have a big secret.”
Connie slowly set down her sandwich, looking up at her. “Okay. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I’m gay,” she said, which was how the closing conversation of many episodes of Camp Pining Hearts ended.
The human girl was just staring at her, mouth hanging open slightly.
Yeah, this was going well. This was usually the reaction on Camp Pining Hearts. Lapis continued her confession, “I’m only attracted to people who use she pronouns, not he pronouns. Since I also use she pronouns, that makes me gay.”
“Well, that’s…” Connie looked around the beach. Who was she looking for? No one was coming. It was just her and Lapis, bonding. Becoming best friends over a sexuality confession, as humans did. Connie looked back at her. “That’s great. You’re really pretty and ni…Well. You’re funny? I’m sure someone is going to love you some day.”
“No. I’m not gay for you,” Lapis clarified. “I have to go before this gets weird. Thanks for the talk.”
And Lapis left her new friend Connie behind, soaring into the sky victoriously. She had done it. She had finally made friends with Connie. It had a few rough patches, sure, like the part where Connie thought Lapis was going to kill her and the part where Connie was obviously in love with her. But, really, if their friendship survived one threat of drowning it could survive another?
Hmm. Maybe it hadn’t gone perfectly. She decided to talk to Peridot.
“I tried to apologize to Connie today,” Lapis said solemnly. “She thought I was threatening to do it again.”
“Dear Diamonds, Lazuli, how’d you pull that off?” Peridot squeaked, and it was apparently so serious it was worth pausing a season six episode of CPH.
Lapis looked away from Peridot’s very accusatory gaze. It wasn’t her fault Connie couldn’t understand friendship or apologies. “I don’t know. She called me pretty by the end, though.”
Peridot glared. “Are you telling me that you made a human think you were going to drown them, and by the end you had a date?”
Lapis scoffed. “She’s too young for me.”
“There are holes in your story.”
“No, I’m just that attractive to humans.” Lapis paused, then gently reached her hand out to Peridot’s shoulder. “Do you remember the thing about ostriches?”
“The thing where they find humans more attractive than other ostriches and stop making more ostriches?”
Lapis began slowly, as this appeared to be a touchy subject from Peridot’s very aggressive voice. “Yes, I-”
Peridot, very rudely, cut off her explanation. “You’re not seriously about to say that you think you’re so attractive humans are going to stop breeding and fall in love with you.”
There was an awkward silence.
“I can’t think of any other explan-”
“I’m going to talk to Connie,” Peridot said, leaving her alone at the barn.
She stared at the green girl’s retreating back and muttered sourly, “No one better tell Steven about this.”