Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Thomas Barrow still couldn't quite believe his luck. He'd always thought he was alone. Men of his kind were as rare as his luck. So it came as a shock when, while patiently waiting for Mr Ellis (funny, witty, spirited...handsome Mr Ellis), Thomas had found himself at the receiving end of not-so-subtle looks from a not-so-bad looking gentleman from across the pub.

The man couldn't stop looking at Thomas and Thomas found he couldn't stop looking back either. How long had it been? Too long, if you asked him.

That's undoubtedly why he took the man's -Chris'- offer, even though he knew he shouldn't. They were so obvious with their intensive stares and smiles (and nervous laughter on his end) that someone was bound to notice, even if the pub was bursting with activity and more than a few patrons were drunk past salvation already.

Because, seriously? Two blokes, two strangers, leaving together after barely there introductions? Who wouldn't find that odd, if not downright suspicious ?

But it had been so long and Chris was so very handsome and looking at Thomas in such a way that he was certain the shivers that ran down his spine had nothing to do with the chilly night air.

*~*

An hour later and Thomas was ready to admit that taking that risk with Chris was worth it. He had been dancing, drinking, laughing, and, man did it feel good, kissing Chris for that past hour, surrounded by dozens of men that were like him. Thomas wasn't much of a believer but, 'God bless the man who created this haven', he thought.

After years of loneliness, of keeping his true self in the darkest corner of his mind and heart, he was at last in a place were he could be himself and carefree, where he could enjoy himself and others at least for a little while. It was so freeing Thomas wasn't sure his heart could take it all, it was beating so fast !

*~*

All good things must come to an end, however, and Thomas Barrow's luck had never run high. He didn't understand at first why the music had stopped and the others weren't dancing and laughing anymore. He looked at Chris and saw his confusion reflected in his partner's eyes. Then, these same eyes suddenly widened with undisguised horror as they looked past Thomas' shoulder towards the entrance of the warehouse. Thomas' gaze followed and his heart dropped.

Policemen. Everywhere. They flooded Thomas' vision as they spread and started shouting at flabbergasted men.

Thomas was rooted to the spot, like everyone else really. As two policemen came on each side of him, calling him and the rest of them a pervert, it dawned on him : he couldn't be arrested ! Tonight had been his first time in this place. A place he hadn't even sought, he was brought there !! This wasn't his fault and he said as much to the policemen as they dragged him to the back of their vehicule.

He should have known better than to think they would give a damn.

*~*

Once at the police station they were all thrown out in a giant cell. The stench, a mix of sweat, vomit, piss, and God knew what else, was so powerful Thomas almost gagged and he had to cough until his nose got accustomed to it.
No one were willing to tell them what would happen to them now and Thomas tried not to think about the possibilities. He failed.

The noose ? A trial then the noose?

A semblance of trial then the noose, more like.

They had to keep appearances for the people and the journalists, but really, their fate was sealed the moment they were caught red-handed in that warehouse. There wasn't much for debate. They were degenerates in the eyes of God, and for them it was sufficient enough, never mind there wasn't any actual buggering going on.
He would be hanged within the next day probably and that would be the end of Thomas Barrow. Accomplished failure from the day he was born to the day he died.

He started violently when he felt a hand running soothing circles between his shoulderblades. It was Chris.

"Hey", the man whispered when Thomas looked at him. His brows were furrowed in concern but he was smiling in what Thomas assumed was supposed to be a reassuring manner. It wasn't working.

"What are you doing?", he whispered back and blimey, why did his voice have to shake so much? "You shouldn't be touching me, this is not --"

"What, proper ?", Chris interrupted. He gestured with the hand that wasn't on Thomas' back at their surroundings with a pointed look and a raised eyebrow.

Right. It didn't matter anymore.

Thomas hung his head in defeat.

*~*

None of them slept that night. Some men spent the long hours pacing, frantically muttering to themselves. Others cried, alone or in the comforting embrace of a partner.

And then there was Thomas, who kept to himself as best he could on the overcrowded bench, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and head in his hands. He was still as a statue and had been since his conversation with Chris earlier.

His mind was blank. He couldn't think about anything, he wouldn't let himself to. He was completely oblivious to his surroundings. The only thing he was remotely aware of was Chris' continued presence at his side. The man hadn't tried to talk to him again but he still stayed there, still offering comfort should Thomas ever needed some.

But Thomas didn't care about comfort anymore. Reassurance held no purpose now. What was the point of it when he would be swinging at the end of a rope in a matter of hours. Whether he spent his last moments on Earth in dispair or at peace, he would die anyway.

*~*

Thomas didn't know how many hours passed before he heard the telltale sound of a key turning in its lock and the heavy steel cell door sliding open.

His shoulders dropped as he sighed. ' This is it, then'.

"Thomas Barrow !!", barked the police officer.

'And I got to be the first to go. What an honour'.

As he stood, he felt his bad hand being squeezed gently. He didn't have to turn around to know who it was, but he did anyway if only to look at him one last time.

"See you on the other side", he said with a smile.

"Hurry up ! I haven't got all night !"

Thomas turned around then after one last smile to Chris who was watching him with wide eyes.

"Where to?", he asked calmly, voice unwavering.

"To the exit. You're free to go", came the unexpected reply.

So unexpected was it that Thomas stood there, staring dumbly at the policeman for an embarrassingly long amount of time.

Seeing that Thomas wasn't about to move anytime soon, the officer, with an exasperated sigh, pushed him out of the cell and towards the entrance hall. Thomas continued to walk, mecanically, one step after the other, until the first rays of morning suddenly hit his tired face.

It was a mess inside his head. Thoughts were battling each other for a chance to be at the forefront of his mind.
'What was going on? Am I free? Why? How ? What of the others?'

God...Chris.

Thomas almost turned back but stopped himself at the last second. It wouldn't achieve anything to go back. If anything, it would appear as if he's rubbing his new found freedom in Chris' face and he didn't want to cause the man more pain than he already did. He wasn't that person anymore.

A movement on the corner of his eye caught his attention and brought him back to the present.

"Oh.", he exhaled breathlessly when he realized who were hailing him from the other side of the street.

Richard.

Chapter Text

Thomas wondered as he made his way over what Mr. Ellis was doing here and how he even knew where to find him. Then he remembered he told the barman where he was going ; the old man must have followed his instructions to tell anyone who'd ask for him.

What did Mr. Ellis witness then? Did he come back to the pub early enough that he was able to follow him and Chris to Turton's ? Was he disgusted when he realized what the place actually sheltered instead of offices ?

Cold sweat gripped his entire body as a crushing thought took root in his mind. Was Mr. Ellis so repulsed by the fact that the man he innocently invited for a drink was in fact one of them filthy lavenders that he had called the police to raid the place? Christ, Thomas hoped not. The thought was turning his stomach. He didn't think he could bear seeing disgust in the eyes of another man he liked.

But there wasn't any other explanation, was there? And wasn't it all well deserved, after all? Thomas thought. If he hadn't been selfish and indulged in his urges, he would have spent a nice evening laughing and drinking and mocking Mr. Ellis' uptight coworkers, away from trouble and humiliation.
It didn't explain how he got out of jail, though, but he supposed he was about to find out.

He stood there in front of Mr. Ellis, silent and unmoving except for the twitch of his muscles in his jaw as he clenched his teeth so tightly it hurt.

The atmosphere between them was heavy and Mr. Ellis' silence was doing nothing to erase the tension or soothe Thomas' nerves. The eternity seemed to tick by before Thomas finally broke the silence.

"Why-- H-How...? I-I mean what--?"

Thomas shut his mouth quickly when he realized he wouldn't be able to speak coherently. He tried again but this time he wasn't even able to let a single word out. His throat felt too constricted, his lungs were burning, his hands were shaking and the shivers coursing through him were nothing but unpleasant this time around.

"Easy there, Mr. Barrow", Mr. Ellis said, so softly that Thomas almost didn't hear him over the frantic beating of his heart pounding in his ears.

"You're lucky, you know", the valet continued, "that I saw you enter Turton's".

"What?", Thomas snapped his head up and met Mr. Ellis' eyes for the first time. It wasn't making any sense to him ; and why was the man speaking so quietly and softly to him, where was the anger and disgust Thomas was certain he would find contorting Mr. Ellis' face?

"I was walking back to the pub to join you", Thomas hung his head again in guilt and shame, "when I saw you and that man enter the warehouse. I was about to follow you in, but then I heard the police. So I hid and then followed you to the station."

Mr. Ellis went silent, probably to let Thomas process what he just said and wasn't the butler grateful.

"You're the one to get me out, then", he said in a rush, as if out of breath and Thomas' heart skipped a beat when the Royal Valet's discreet smile widened.

"But why? A-And how??" Waves after waves of relief were crushing over him, one stronger than the last. Mr. Ellis didn't find him repulsive after all!

His eyes followed the sudden movement when the other man brought a hand inside his jacket before handing him a card. Thomas took it with a trembling hand. It looked like any other business card except for the fact it was made of high quality glossy paper and the very distinctive Royal Seal printed in the middle of it.

Thomas looked back up at once. "You used your position in the Royal Household to get me out of jail ? This is madness! You shouldn't have taken such a big risk... I'm not worth it", he mumbled that last line to his shoes, cheeks burning against his will.

"That's where you are wrong, Mr. Barrow. And we must stick together, people like us".

Thomas froze. People like them? Was Mr. Ellis actually saying...? He slowly levelled his eyes to the valet's and what he saw there felt surreal to him. Mr. Ellis was smiling broadly at him, revealing an endearing pair of dimples, and the twinkle in his eyes almost dazzled Thomas as the light of dawn reflected in them.

He opened his mouth but before he could say anything (and maybe it was for the better because he wasn't sure he knew what he wanted to say), Mr Ellis brought a gloved finger to his own mouth. Thomas' eyes followed the movement, mesmerized. Then the finger travelled the short distance between them to the butler's parted lips.

Thomas' eyes lit up as the soft and warm leather of the glove brushed his lips ever so softly. He felt as if he was about to faint. What was going on? Was this all a dream? It did certainy feel like it.

Mr. Ellis simply smiled at him, a hint of amusement in his eyes, before jerking his head in the car's direction.

*~*

The car ride and walk back to Downton had been silent --not in a wrong way though-- until Thomas felt the irrepressible urge to apologize.

"I want to apologize for my behaviour. I never should have left and go to that place. I feel like a right fool. It was stupid and reckless..."

"It's alright", Thomas shot him an incredulous look. "No, it is. I mean it's true I was a little disappointed to see you with that bloke... I was hoping..."

Mr. Ellis didn't say what he was hoping, but Thomas' mind was more than willing to fill in the blanks. Maybe this night wouldn't end up as a total failure, after all...?

"But I understand why you went", Mr. Ellis continued after a moment, unaware of Thomas' thoughts.

They'd reached Downton Village now and it was early enough in the morning that the streets were still desert. Mr. Ellis stopped just before they reached the driveway leading to the Abbey.

"You just need to be a bit more circumspect in the future, Thomas", Mr. Ellis said not unkindly, but then Thomas was convinced the man was unable to be anything but kind.

Thomas' breath hitched upon hearing Mr. Ellis call him by his given name. It was the first time it happened since they met, and as Mr. Ellis watched him intently Thomas felt they were at a crossroads.

Did Thomas dare take the path he wanted most ? He had been hurt too many times trying to follow it...

"That's what I will be then. Richard." He butchered his name as he stammered and felt his cheeks burn because of it. He hoped the gray sky would help hide his embarrassment. Considering the valet was watching him with a very satisfied smile it wasn't working, and Thomas' face flared anew.

Wanting to divert Richard's attention elsewhere, he coughed before asking a question he wanted the answer to since getting out of jail but forgot until now.

"Earlier you said you followed me to the station, yet I spent hours in that cell..." Thomas cringed. It sounded a little accusatory and ungrateful, didn't it.

Thankfully Richard didn't seem to take offence, rather he looked contrite and Thomas looked at him, curious as to why.

"I tried to get you out as soon as I arrived but the desk officer told me he wouldn't let you out before a few days. Said you all needed to be taught a lesson. So I made up a story but he wouldn't believe me. I told him you were there only to play a trick on the queers", Richard trailed off as a shadow of shame darkened his face. But Thomas didn't hold it against him. They had to do what they had to do to blend with society. Thomas had done far worse back in the day.

"I wish I had the courage to use the magic card sooner but I was afraid of the repercussions. The Royal Seal may impress people into compliance but there is still the risk of gossip. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to spend all this time in there."

Richard looked so genuinely remorseful that Thomas' heart broke a little. He needed to let him know he had nothing to be sorry for and that he already did more than Thomas thought any man would ever do for him.

"Don't be daft. What you did for me... You put your livelihood, your reputation at risk just for me! I'm nothing but grateful. I wish I knew how to show you how much".

Richard's timbre dropped as he murmured, "I'm sure you can think of something. You're clever, aren't you".

He gulped. Richard made a step towards him and Thomas forgot how to breathe. Without breaking eye contact he took the remaining steps that separated them, and slowly, as if still fearing this was all a dream or a cruel joke, Thomas lifted his good hand to Richard's neck and leaned in.

*~*

Thomas felt detached from his body, like his soul was flying to cloud nine. They kissed and kissed. For minutes, for hours, Thomas didn't know, didn't care. They eventually pulled apart for some needed air, panting and flushed and dishevelled. And utterly happy.

They stood there looking at one another for a few moments more before they resumed their walk down the driveway in a silent agreement.

They discussed the entire time it took them to get to the servants entrance, of serious topics and more trivial ones, of their past and what they expected for the future. Thomas felt light and unburdened. It was good to be just like that. Just two blokes talking.

*~*

Unfortunately, they weren't able to get any sleep once they got back. Downstairs was already bustling with activity, although a good part of the servants were still enjoying their breakfast.

Thomas and Richard, both stiffling a yawn, found a place at the table facing each other; Richard between Miss Baxter and the snooty Monsieur Courbet, Thomas between Andy and Albert. The two men ate silently, too tired to participate in the seemingly endless quarrel between their respective coworkers.

Too soon Richard had to head upstairs and Thomas watched him go fondly as the Royal Valet engaged in conversation with Miss Baxter. Then he turned around and went to reclaim his office.

He moved various items on his desk back into their proper place and when he felt satisfied he sat down in his chair with a loud sigh of relief. It wasn't long before his eyelids, growing heavier by the second, closed and he fell asleep.

*~*

Thomas woke up from his impromptu nap to the sound of knocking.

"Come in", he called and the next second Richard entered the butler's office before closing the door behind him.

Despite knowing it would happen eventually it still stung to see Richard with his overcoat on and hat in hand, ready to leave.

"So you're off to London", Thomas asked as he rounded his desk to join the other man.

He tried to keep the sadness out of his voice and expression, but judging by the apologetic smile Richard shot him as he replied, "They'll drop me at the station", he was unsuccessful.

"Well, I hope we can keep in touch. I feel I finally found a friend".

Richard was looking at him curiously. "Is that what you found, Thomas? A friend?"

Thomas fidgeted as he searched for a suitable answer. The thing was he didn't know what they were. They kissed, yes, but it could mean anything; it was hardly a commitment. Despite all the subjects they broached as they walked back to the Abbey not even two hours ago, the matter of what would become of them once Richard was gone never arose.

Perhaps Richard took pity on him or perhaps he never intended for Thomas to answer, either way Thomas was grateful and relieved when a bare hand closed itself around the nape of his neck and its fingers began playing with the short hair at the edge of his hairline. Using little pressure, Richard's hand tilted Thomas' head so their lips could meet. He felt Richard smile into the kiss when Thomas let out an involuntary moan, and the butler smiled back.

"Anyone could barge in at any moment, Mr. Ellis, you ought to be more circumspect", Thomas playfully scolded him. Richard laughed at that and Thomas' heart swelled in his chest.

After a time his smile died down a little and his face turned serious as he said, "Before I go I want you to have this". He reached inside his coat and pulled out a silver pocket watch.

"It was given to me when I entered in his Majesty's service. I've had it for years".

Thomas gasped as he carefully took the watch in his hands. He felt dizzy with all the emotions coursing through him and he cursed internally when he felt his eyes prickle.

Then it ticked in his mind. "But it's the one you're currently using!", he exclaimed.

"That's why it will remind you of me. It's the point, isn't it? So you can think of me until we meet again."

Thomas blinked hard. He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes. "Thank you", he only managed to croak out; anything more and he would break down, he knew.

"Mr. Ellis!", came the booming voice of Mr. Carson somewhere down the hall, startling both men out of their bubble of bliss.

"Right. You should go", Thomas said reluctantly, heart heavy. "Unless you want a dressing-down from the old goat for being late."

Richard's eyes widened, eyebrows in his hairline, before he busted out laughing. "I'm pretty sure one's not allowed to talk like that of their old boss".

Thomas smirked as he shrugged, "Like you said, he isn't my boss anymore".

Richard shook his head and sighed. "God, I'm going to miss you".

"I'll miss you, too".

And Thomas was certain he had never meant anything else more than that in his entire life.

*~*

As Richard ascended the stairs, thinking of nothing else than going back to Thomas, their Majesties be damned, he met Miss Baxter on the first landing.

"I thought for a moment you were never going to show up", she joked.

He resumed walking up the stairs, Miss Baxter following, before he replied. "I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye after only two days of knowing someone", he answered with sincerity.

Miss Baxter smiled, understanding. "Did he like the watch?"

"I dare say he loved it, Miss Baxter. Thank you for the suggestion."

"I'm always happy to help Thomas. And don't worry, I know he'll take good care of it".

Richard looked ahead of him then, a soft smile playing on his lips, and murmured, "I know he will".

And maybe, maybe Richard wasn't talking about his dear pocket watch only...