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Lifetimes and Lifelines
Aka, the string of fate has always been red.
He’s been seeing the same physical therapist since he was 19. After his shoulder surgery, and his subsequent return to Tokyo to do professional swimming, Sousuke goes to physical therapy with the same therapist for the next 7 years. Sousuke thinks the guy is good enough. He’s in his late 50s when Sousuke first starts attending; turtle shell glasses that looks like they’re fresh from the disco era.
Needless to say, Sousuke’s surprised when his therapist says he’s retiring. Nearing his 30s (though his dad would hit him on the shoulder and say, “calm down you’re only 28!” and his mom would pester him about grandkids), he’s not one for change. But he wishes his physical therapist well and gives him a happy retirement card on his last appointment.
“I’ve transferred your file to the office up town,” his therapist says, “they’ve got a good therapist there. She specializes in athletes, just like me. Just call them and book an appointment.” He hands Sousuke a business card and gets on with the appointment.
The business card stays stuffed at the bottom of Sousuke’s duffel bag until a month later. His muscles start feeling sore and he calls his regular office and gets a “this number is no longer in service” message. He fishes the crumpled and forgotten business card out of his bag.
The Office of Takahashi N. and Umari G., Physical Therapy is embossed in glossy maroon cursive.
Sousuke calls and books an appointment with Umari, the physical therapist of the office who specializes in athlete rehab. He books an appointment for next Tuesday at 7pm, writing it down on the pizza flyer with a calendar he’s pinned to the fridge.
By the time his appointment comes around, his shoulder is sore.
He gets lost on the way to the new office, arriving grumpy and damp from the misty fall drizzle. The secretary greets him, gets him to fill out an intake form and ushers him into a room.
Sousuke almost laughs, eyeing the info graphs on the walls. They’re presented like they’re supposed to be educational, but they’re just displays of muscles. Sousuke thinks to himself, whoever this physical therapist is, their office looks like they have a muscle fetish.
He eyes the sets of weights lined up nicely on the shelf by the ballet mirror wall, all neon pink and sorted by size. His new physical therapist may have the same specialty as his old one, but he doubts they are anything alike.
There’s a knock at the door before it swings open. “Let’s see, who do we have...”
The physical therapist checks her file folder, but before she can, Sousuke exclaims, “Gou?”
It’s been ages since he’s seen her, but he knows the second he sees her face, it’s her. Her face is slimmer now, and she’s got fine lines and creases by her lips and eyes. Gone is her long, fiery red ponytail, and in its place, a short bob of wavy beach hair. She wears a pair of magenta scrubs, with a name tag pinned to the front pocket: “Umari, G”.
Gou seems surprised to see him, eyes widening. She shuts the door behind her, pulling up a stool as Sousuke sits on the patient table. The silence hangs in the air like a thick fog on a muggy day. “Hey,” she says finally.
Sousuke frowns. It’s been years since he’s seen her. After her high school graduation, she disappeared off the face of the earth. She went off to school in America, something he has to admit, is something the adventurous Gou he knows, would do. He doesn’t remember when she came back to Japan. Hell, why didn’t Rin ever mention she came back to Japan?
It’s not yet December, so Gou must be 26. She’s curvier now. The scrawny slim figure of a high school girl he remembers is filled with soft lines and hips and shoulders that shape her like an hourglass. Sousuke wants to ask where she’s been for so long, why her last name is different, why she didn’t keep in touch... but none of the questions come out. “It’s been a long time,” Sousuke says lamely, after a pause. Gou laughs, and the frown on his face begins to melt away.
God, he’s missed the sound of her laugh.
“It has been,” she says finally, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch.”
“… It’s fine.” He squeezes the clipboard of intake forms awkwardly. He should have tried to reach out to her. He should have tried to call her. There are so many things he should have done. His head reels, and he finally replies, “It’s not like I tried either.”
Gou hands him a pen from her pocket, “You can fill those out while we talk,” she says. Sousuke nods, beginning to scribble down the information, like his family name and date of birth. Gou wrings her hands nervously, and Sousuke studies her hands. She’s got short, trimmed nails painted with red nail polish. Though, what’s more noticeable to him is the golden band on her left ring finger.
It dawns on him finally. Why her name is no longer Matsuoka. Why he had no idea she was the “Umari” listed on the business card. “You’re married,” he says, the pen falling out of his hands. It clatters to the floor, oddly loud in the small room.
Gou blushes, bending down to retrieve the pen. “Um… yeah,” she replies. There’s a moment of hesitation. She bites her lip and looks away, “I… was.”
If Sousuke wasn’t feeling like an ass yet, he definitely was now. He swallows thickly. “He…?”
“Died,” Gou finishes for him, clearing her throat. Sousuke searches her face for any indication about how she’s feeling, but her face remains smooth and unyielding. She smiles at him with wet eyes, “Finished with the forms? We can start your appointment.”
Sousuke wants to ask her about so many things. When did she get married? When did she come back to Japan? Does she have any children? Instead, he replies lamely with, “uh, sure,” and removes his shirt so she can look at his shoulder more clearly.
Gou traces her slim fingers around his shoulder, pressing gently on the socket where his arm meets the joint. Sousuke squirms and she withdraws. “How has swimming with the new shoulder been going?” she asks, prodding at the sore muscles again. This time she finds the sweet spot that has Sousuke relaxing into her touch.
“It’s good,” Sousuke says, “Felt really good when I first started putting it to use. Gets sore sometimes now. But I do my stretches and exercise and visit PT whenever I can to keep it in good shape.”
He can’t see her because she stands behind him, but he can hear the smile on her face when she speaks. “That’s good. I’m glad you’re taking better care of yourself,” She stops massaging, taking his arm into her hands. “Just relax the muscle, I’m going to do some rotary work.” She presses her opposite hand into the front of his shoulder, using his arm to gently rotate the joint forward in a circular motion. Sousuke is used to these kinds of exercises by now, exhaling slowly as she works. “You’re a little bit stiff, but nothing seems to be torn or damaged. You should come back again soon though.” Gou wipes her hands on her scrubs, sitting back on the stool with one leg crossed over the other. “We can do some other work if you’d like. Some weight or resistance training. But you seem tense, so maybe we should do that on your next visit.”
Sousuke nods. Gou scribbles some stuff down in his file, biting on her bottom lip as she concentrates. “You look good,” Sousuke says, before he can think about what he’s saying. He looks away embarrassedly, teal eyes focused on the floor and her grass stained tennis shoes.
“You too,” Gou replies whimsically. She shuts his file and stands. “You can book an appointment with the secretary. Do Mondays work for you? That’s the day my schedule is most clear.”
“Y-yeah, that’s fine,” Sousuke nods. And just as soon as she re-entered his life, she’s gone again, closing the door behind her. Sousuke puts his shirt back on and gathers his things. Before he leaves, he makes sure to book an appointment with the secretary for next Monday. A flutter of excitement starts in the pit of his stomach, and he realizes he really wants to see Gou again.
He tries to call Rin, but Rin’s phone rings until it’s picked up by his voicemail. In the years Sousuke has been apart from Gou she’s become a physical therapist, a wife, a widow, and a beautiful woman.
He wonders how much more of her life he’ll miss. “Hey Rin,” Sousuke says after the voice mail tone, “why didn’t you tell me your sister was back in Japan?”
He and Rin meet for ramen the Sunday before his next appointment with Gou. Sousuke has so many questions, but he doesn’t ask until they both have their food in front of them. Rin starts eating, but Sousuke hesitates. “So... when did your sister come back to Japan?”
Rin swallows, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “A year ago? I can’t remember.”
Sousuke stares at his ramen, not feeling very hungry. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
Rin sighs, running a hand through his hair. He keeps it shorter now than he did when they were younger. Rin’s started transitioning toward coaching over competing. He could squeeze another few tournaments, even an Olympics, but he doesn’t want to. Rin’s been a medalist for years now, and he starts slowing before his body slows for him. “Because she didn’t say anything either,” Rin says. The tightness in Rin’s throat is palpable. “Her husband died, and she came back. But she didn’t say anything about it. She just came back and didn’t tell anyone.”
Sousuke lets the information sink in, finally taking a bite of his food. “That doesn’t sound like her,” he says finally, after a pause.
“She’s different now, I guess,” Rin replies. “You saw her right? She’s different.”
“I guess she looks different, but maybe she’s still the same Gou behind all that.”
Rin nods, “Maybe. I’ve been trying to reach out forever. But something always comes up. I’ve only seen her once since she’s got back.” Gou has always loved her brother. He remembers spending Gou’s birthday on the floor of her bedroom crying because her brother wouldn’t answer the phone when he was in Australia. To think that she would barely say a word to her brother after coming back to Japan makes no sense.
Sousuke keeps this in mind when he sees Gou again. She’s wearing blue scrubs this time. She’s repainted her nails a sparkly yellow, with cute little daisies on the ring and thumb nails. “Hi,” she says, asking him how’s he been since his last appointment.
They’re doing exercises with a resistance band when he finally asks her. “Why are you avoiding your brother?”
He’s probably crossing some sort of doctor-patient line, but he doesn’t care. Gou frowns, though continues the exercises with him. “You talk about me with my brother?” She teases him, despite the overall nervousness to her tone.
“He says he’s been trying to see you, but you’re always busy.”
“I am always busy,” she rebuttals, “I do have a successful physical therapy office after all.”
“The Gou I know would drop everything if her brother asked her to be with him,” Sousuke replies, wincing when she stretches his shoulder a little bit harder.
“Well, maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do,” Gou says. Her tone has gone chilly, and Sousuke doesn’t push her anymore.
He doesn’t apologize until his next appointment. He rubs his neck awkwardly, giving a murmured apology to the floor. Gou accepts, tying her short hair into a little bun at the base of her neck. “My brother wants to ask me questions I’m not ready to answer,” she says finally. “That’s why I’m avoiding him.”
She gets him to lay down face down on the massage table, rotating his shoulder as she works on the surrounding muscle. Gou’s cleaned her tennis shoes, Sousuke notes as she walks to his other side. “What kind of questions?” He asks.
“Have you always been this nosy?” Gou replies bitingly. She takes a breath to recollect herself. “Just... stuff I don’t really want to talk about. Stuff I don’t really want to talk about with anyone.”
Sousuke knows he should take that as a cue to back off, but he can’t help himself. “I’m just worried about you,” he says, grunting when she leans her body weight into the tense muscle that connects his shoulders and back.
“You’re my patient, I should be the one worried about you,” Gou replies. Sousuke racks his head for any meaning between her words but comes up empty. He sits up from the massage table when she finishes the massage. She’s writing in his file folder, and he knows when she shuts it, she’ll tell him to book his next appointment and disappear again.
“Gou…” He calls her name before even thinking about it, finding himself staring dumbly at her when she lifts her eyes from her folder to look at him. He’d forgotten how dazzling her ruby red eyes were. She coughs awkwardly, a warm flush taking over her face, and he realizes he’s staring. “We should… talk,” Sousuke says gracelessly, “outside of this office. Like… Like we used to.”
Gou smiles at him, but the laugh lines in the corners of her eyes don’t crinkle. “Things aren’t like they used to be,” she says, and the melancholy in her voice drops Sousuke’s heart into his stomach. She gets up to leave, but Sousuke grabs onto her hand.
“Just humour me,” he says, carefully searching her face for any semblance that the old Gou he remembers is still underneath all of the shit life has thrown at her. “One drink, tomorrow night.”
She swallows slowly, pulling her hand away and holding it to her chest. “… Only one drink,” she says, gathering up her folder and tucking her pen away into the breast pocket of her scrubs. “That’s it.”
-----
She drinks a lot more than he expected. Her skin glows in the dim lights of the bar, slim ebony fingers cradling a martini glass. Sousuke’s always wondered what Gou would be like as an adult, and he never has to imagine again.
She’s mesmerizing. Her lips are painted red, lush and full, and accentuate the dusting of highlight brushed atop her cheekbones. “Hello?” Gou says, waving a hand in front of his face to get his attention. “Are you in there?” She asks, tucking a stray bit of hair behind her ears. Her crystal earrings hit the light in the bar just right, like a shimmering curtain of rain framing her face.
“Yeah,” he says, taking a long sip from his bourbon, staring at the melting ice in his drink. He sets the glass down, drawing circles in the condensation on the side of the glass. “Where have you been all these years Gou?” He asks. He can’t bear to look her in the eye right now. He knows where she’s been. She’s been in America, she’s been out of Japan, she’s been everywhere and nowhere at the same time. But he wants to know where she’s really been. Where her soul has been, where her heart has been; where it’s gone.
Gou seems to catch on to what he alludes to. She hums, tilting back so far, she just barely catches herself from falling off the bar stool. “I went to school in America, you know that much,” she replies, taking another long sip from her glass. “I worked there for a long time.”
He waits for her to say something more, but she doesn’t. “Did you meet your husband there?” Sousuke asks.
Her face hardens, the lines around her mouth wrinkling unhappily. “That’s an invasive question, don’t you think?” She asks back, beckoning the bar tender to make her another drink.
Sousuke knows it’s a trick question, regardless of what he says, she’ll have something to say about it. Gou has always been like that; one step ahead of him in everything but age. He may have been older than her, but she strung him along so easily. “Sorry,” he replies, clearing his throat and pushing his empty glass away from him, “That was uncalled for.”
They leave the bar at half past midnight. Gou’s taken off her heels, bright red like her lipstick, and walks precariously on the sidewalk. “Gou, maybe you should put your shoes back on,” he says, but she doesn’t care. She’s always been a free spirit that way; doing as she pleases, coming and going the way the ocean kissed the sand. “Let me walk you home at least,” he says, trying to hold onto her arm, but she swings it away.
“I think it’s inappropriate for a patient to know where I live,” Gou slurs, standing on her toes and tip toeing down the sidewalk. She might have had too much to drink.
“I just want to make sure you get home okay,” Sousuke says, lengthening his stride to keep pace with her. “Don’t think of me as your patient right now, think of me as your friend.” Gou turns back to look at him, like she’s surprised. Sousuke swallows, “We… we are still friends, right?”
Gou faces forward again. “I want to go home,” she says, not answering. Sousuke follows after her, and she does nothing to send him away. He wonders if that’s the answer to his question.
The next time he sees her, it’s almost a month later. Sousuke’s not sure why he did it, but he didn’t call again after that night. He didn’t book an appointment, didn’t give a reason, but he comes back because he can’t ignore the pain in his shoulder anymore. Her hair is longer, the ruby red ends curling at her collarbones.
“You’re avoiding me,” Gou says, frowning. For a moment, Sousuke wants to tell her she deserves it. She disappeared for years and never said a word. She didn’t answer when he asked if they were still friends. But he can’t. After all these years, Gou is still Gou, and Sousuke still cares for her.
“I’m not avoiding you,” he insists, grunting when she starts to rotate his shoulder in her well-practiced hands.
“Well then, I thought a professional athlete would know better than to wait 4 weeks between appointments,” Gou replies. She’s mad; he can tell. Though, he can’t wrap his head around why. When they’re together she acts like he means nothing to her. But she wants him within arm’s reach.
“I thought a friend would know to keep in contact with a friend who cares about her.”
He doesn’t know what prompts him to say it, but the sinking feeling in his stomach makes him regret it. Gou clears her throat, going about the rest of the appointment without saying a word to him. “Book another appointment before you leave,” she replies at the end of the appointment. She scribbles in her folder, shoving a business card under his nose, “No more than 2 weeks away.”
And like a hurricane, she’s gone; Sousuke left in her aftermath. Again.
He looks down at the business card and realizes she’s written her address on the blank side of the card.
-----
Sousuke probably stands at her door for 10 minutes before knocking. He doesn’t know what prompted him to come. But Gou has always had an indescribable pull that keeps him coming back to her. Gou answers and Sousuke realizes this is the first time he’s seen her in plain clothes since he first met her in the fall. Many things about Gou have changed. The lines on her face have deepened with age, the crinkles of her skin when she smiles are warm and inviting. But many things about her are just as he remembers.
She’s wearing fuzzy bunny slippers and a big red sweater that goes to her knees. Sousuke still remembers her lounging in very similar outfits at her mom’s house, watching TV on the couch while he and Rin bickered over which channel they should choose. “You look good,” he offers, when she moves away from the door to let him in.
“I’m wearing bunny slippers, you don’t have to flatter me,” she replies, but a coy smile is sneaking up on her face. It twinkles in her eyes, just as he remembers.
Gou’s apartment is small, a kotatsu in the living room across from a small TV, a little kitchen, and a short hallway that probably leads to her bedroom. What surprises Sousuke the most, are all the boxes everywhere. Some of them are open, some of them are still taped shut. It barely looked like Gou had moved in at all. Gou disappears into the kitchen, and Sousuke hears the tea kettle whistle. He takes a seat at the kotatsu, meeting a framed photograph at eye level from atop a box in the corner of the room.
It’s a small frame with an even smaller photo; a man with a short and trimmed buzz cut. His hand is extended out, like he’s reaching for the photographer’s hand. His eyes are warm, soft and brown, when he smiles. Sousuke realizes it’s because he must be in love with whoever is taking the picture.
“That was your husband, wasn’t it?” Sousuke asks, when Gou returns with a tray of tea and cookies.
Gou glances in the direction of Sousuke’s eyes, setting down the tray to pick up the photo frame. She hugs it close to her chest, sitting down on the floor beside him. “Yeah,” she replies finally.
It’s so quiet, Sousuke can hear the clock ticking in the kitchen. “What was his name?” Sousuke asks.
Gou swallows. “Akito,” she says. Her voice is so full of gentleness, it breaks Sousuke’s heart. If there’s anyone in the world who shouldn’t have to live with such a sadness, it’s Gou. “He always got sad around this time of year,” she continues, exhaling as she muses. Her eyes stay focused on the photo. “He loved autumn so much. Winter made him sad. He loved the colours of the trees. Warm, even when the weather gets cold. He would always say they reminded him of me, red like the colour of my hair and the colour of my eyes. He could spend a whole day just looking at me and never get bored…”
Her voice gets all choked up, and Gou clears her throat. Sousuke’s heart hammers in his chest. Everything is tight, like his ribs are closing in on his lungs, like the room is fading away and all he sees is Gou. He wants to touch her shoulder and tell her everything will be alright. He wants to wrap his arms around her when she starts to cry, and just stay there until the world starts feeling normal again. He wants what they used to have, before life carried them away to different places; to places where they don’t know each other the way they used to anymore.
Sousuke aches for the way they used to be. Gou was one of the most important people to him. He’d do anything to keep her safe; to keep her out of harm’s way. There were things he wasn’t there to protect her from. For the first time since she’s waltzed back into his life, Sousuke can’t imagine how lonely Gou must have been. How lonely it was to lose her husband, the love of her life, in a country where she didn’t know anyone else. How lonely it was to come back to a country where all she’s known is different and gone.
“I’m sorry,” Sousuke says finally.
Gou looks up from the photo with wet eyes. “Sousuke… You… You don’t have to be sorry.”
His ears perk up at the sound of his name, and it only occurs to him now that Gou hasn’t referred to him by name at all until now. “I am sorry,” Sousuke replies earnestly. He lays a gentle hand on her thigh, and she flinches for a moment. But she doesn’t move, and neither does he. “We should have been there for you. We should have known. Rin… Me… I should’ve…”
“Should’ve what?” Gou asks, licking her dry lips. “Should’ve followed me to America? Should’ve never let me go? It’s my life. It was my husband. And it’s my grief. It’s no one else’s but mine.”
“Gou… You don’t have to do this by yourself. This isn’t your fault. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this-”
“How do you know that?” Gou’s voice is sharp, raised and shaking as she brushes stray tears from her cheeks. “How could you possibly know? You weren’t there. I was. I was there the whole time… I should’ve… I should have noticed… If I had just noticed… He’d still be here!” She’s crying bitterly now, hiccupping through sobs and trying to take a sip of the tea that’s gone cold on the table.
“Gou… I don’t understand…” Sousuke tries to touch her face, to wipe the tears from her eyes, but she swats his hand away.
“He killed himself.”
The room suddenly feels very cold. Gou’s fingers run over the photograph, over and over again like she’s trying to reach out for his hand that she’ll never hold again. “I was in my last year of practical training for PT. I was barely home. I left the house before the sun rose and didn’t come home until it had set. He always got sad in the winter… I always knew that. But why didn’t I notice it had gotten so bad?” She sucks in a breath, her body trembling as she does. “If I had listened… If I hadn’t focused so hard on so many unimportant things… If I had just loved him more… If he had known how much I’d loved him… He’d still be here.”
Sousuke is frozen cold in his spot. All this time she’d been holding all this pain, keeping it to herself. He reaches out to brush a strand of hair from her face, and this time she doesn’t push him away. “Gou… Don’t say that…” Sousuke whispers soothingly, gently cupping her face in his palm. “He knew… He always knew how much you love him. There’s no way he didn’t know. Your heart is so big. Your love is so vast. But it can’t… it can’t save people, Gou. None of this is your fault.”
Her eyes search his, staring into his soul to read all the words that hide between the lines. The sparkling crimson of her irises burn like fire in his bones. Sousuke thinks he’s starting to understand why her husband loved them so much. “I miss him,” Gou says finally, her voice tapering off softly into another round of sobs.
Sousuke just holds her, cradling her head in his hands. “I know,” he says, stroking her hair, “I know.”
Neither of them says anything for a while. Sousuke just holds Gou, her small body crumpled in a sad heap, cradling her husband’s photograph. At some point, Gou gathers herself, wiping the tears from her face and getting up from the floor. “I’m sorry about that,” Gou says, brushing stray hair from her face.
“Don’t worry about it,” Sousuke replies, perking up as she crosses the room. She puts her husband’s photo back on the pile of boxes. “Gou… I’m always here-”
“You should go,” Gou interrupts, clearing the forgotten tea set and carrying it back into the kitchen.
Sousuke sits, dumbfounded. “W-what?”
“I didn’t…” She hesitates. Gou takes a deep breath, folding her hands together. Sousuke watches her anxiously wring them together. “I said too much,” Gou says. “You’re my patient. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t be telling you all these things.”
Sousuke’s jaw clenches, “Gou… I might be your patient, but I’m also your friend. Don’t hide behind this whole doctor-patient bullshit. You’re hurt, and you’re scared. But you don’t have to push people away. I’m your friend…” He searches her eyes, and finds them hot, flickering with insecurity that weighs heavily in his gut. “I… I am your friend… Right?”
“You should go home,” Gou replies. Her tone is cool, soft and chilling like an ocean breeze in the dead of winter.
Sousuke doesn’t even know how to react. But before he knows it, he’s standing on the other side of her door, staring dumbfounded at the darkening sky and the powdery snow that falls from heaven.
He wonders how everything could look so heavenly and feel like hell all at the same time.
-----
True to his word, he still goes to his appointment that he scheduled for the following week. As Sousuke sits in the office’s waiting room, he wonders if he should have come at all. All he’s been able to think about lately is Gou. The colour of her hair stains his dreams, the smell of her body fills every room. He wonders what Gou must think of him. She refuses to call him her friend and avoids every attempt he makes to define what they are.
But he’s known all along how he’s felt about her. He was just too stubborn to admit it to himself.
He loves her; far more than a friend ever should. But she doesn’t need that right now. She’s lost and grieving, and she’s scared. Sousuke feels dirty thinking about her like that when she’s so vulnerable. But all he can think about is her. The way her hands would feel cupping his face. The way her lips would feel on his skin. And how he craves for her to look at him with all the love he knows she’s capable of, no matter how broken she thinks she is.
Sousuke’s called into the patient room, and to his surprise, Gou is already there. She sits on her stool, and nods at him to sit on the massage table. The room is stifling. Sousuke can hear his own heartbeat thundering in his ears. He barely hears her when Gou looks him in the eye and apologizes.
“It’s… it’s fine,” Sousuke says, feeling like sandpaper is stuck to the roof of his mouth.
Gou shakes her head, “It’s not fine. I acted horribly… To you, of all people.” She runs a hand through her hair, “You’ve… You’ve been a friend to me all my life, even when you didn’t have to. I should treat you like one. You deserve that much.”
Sousuke blinks, swallowing hard. “You mean…”
“You’re my friend. One I care about very much,” Gou smiles, and this time he sees the corners of her eyes crinkle. It’s one of the first times he’s seen her genuine smile since they first reconnected. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to realize that. Could… could you forgive me?”
Sousuke feels like he’s staring into the onslaught of a storm, the way the tide pulls back before a tsunami devastates everything. But Gou is right there, smiling at him, and he can’t make his legs move. He should run in the other direction. He should take cover. But there’s nothing he wants more than to see her smile like that every day. He wants to be the one to put that smile on her face. “I can,” Sousuke replies, smothering down a goofy smile of his own. “If you’ll treat me to drinks after work.”
Gou snorts, rolling her eyes. “I think that can be arranged.”
They meet at a bar across town. Gou is still in her scrubs, the magenta fabric peeking out from the muted gray of her peacoat. But she’s touched up her lip gloss and dusted her cheeks with blush. Sousuke thinks she’s beautiful, no matter what she does.
There’s something different about her, the way she carries herself, and the way she moves. It’s like she’s living again. Like something inside of her is alive, rather than surviving. She takes a long sip of her cranberry vodka, ordering another round of drinks for them as Sousuke polishes off his glass. “Let’s play a game,” Gou says.
“What kind of game?” He replies. The bartender comes around with their next round and Gou nods her head toward them.
“Two truths and a lie,” She says coyly, “You guess right, I drink. You guess wrong, you drink.”
Sousuke raises an eyebrow at her, clinking his glass to hers, “You’re on.”
She smiles, mysterious and mischievous, “Okay so, I failed first year biology, I’ve never been blackout drunk, and I love Chicago style deep dish pizza.”
Sousuke thinks for a moment, then replies, “You definitely seem like the kind of girl who got blackout drunk in college.”
Gou’s jaw drops, “You really think that of me Sousuke?” She clutches her chest dramatically. The burning flames in her eyes dance. “That’s your drink. New York style pizza is way better.”
Sousuke takes a long sip, “You failed first year biology?” He asks curiously.
“I focused too much on muscles and forgot about everything else,” Gou replies sheepishly. “It was a big wakeup call.” That sounds so much like her, Sousuke can’t help but laugh. “Enough about me, your turn!”
Sousuke ponders for a moment. “Hm… Okay. I have never gone skating, I drink protein powder smoothies, and I like Iwatobi more than Tokyo.”
“You don’t drink protein powder smoothies,” Gou replies instantly. “You hate that shit!”
Sousuke chuckles warmly but takes another sip of his drink. “How are you so sure? I could’ve changed my mind!”
“Please, if there was anyone that hated protein powder more than Rei-kun, it was you,” Gou says. “What I’m more concerned about is the fact that you’ve never gone skating!”
“What? Is it really that bad?” Sousuke asks. “I’ve just never gotten around to doing it.”
“It is! It’s like the thing to do in the wintertime. You should see how many people go to Rockefeller Center around Christmas time just for skating!”
Sousuke raises an eyebrow at her, “Did you go to school in America or something Gou?” He teases her.
“I’m being serious here!” She replies adamantly, slapping his arm. She downs the rest of her drink and stands. “Come on, we’re going.” She grabs him by the hand, pulling him up from his seat.
Sousuke barely has enough time to finish his drink. “Going? Going where?”
“We’re going skating, obviously,” Gou replies, paying their tab and dragging him out of the bar before he can even blink an eye.
She takes him to the outdoor ice rink in Roppongi. The sun is long gone, and their surroundings are speckled with city lights and the grand silhouettes of skyscrapers that touch the sky effortlessly. Gou skates out onto the ice with ease, like she’s done this a million times before. Sousuke follows, wobbling about as he catches up with her. “Since when did you become good at sports Gou?” He asks, holding onto the edge of the rink to stay balanced.
“Just because I didn’t play sports in school didn’t mean I couldn’t,” Gou replies teasingly. Her eyes sweep from his wobbling knees to his face, eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration. “And you are in no condition to tease me right now.”
He laughs, conceding to her. “Fine, fine whatever. Are you going to teach me how to do this or not?”
Gou’s lips turn up in a lopsided smile, “I thought you’d never ask.” She reaches for his hand, “just take it easy and slow, and you’ll be a pro in no time.”
They skate around the rink slowly at first. Sousuke is keenly aware of how warm and soft Gou’s hands are as she guides him around and around. He wants to save this moment forever; the reflection of the city lights in her eyes, and the comfort of her hand in his. He savours the feeling, the feeling that everything will be okay.
By the time they retire for the night, they’ve only fallen once. Sousuke blames it on a bump in the ice, and Gou only agrees half-heartedly to tease him. Gou lets go of his hand to undo the laces of her skates, and Sousuke finds himself magnetically drawn back to her. But he resists, putting his shoes back on and following her to the counter to return the skates.
“I had a good time tonight Sousuke,” Gou says, tucking stray hair behind her ear. “We should do this again sometime.”
“I’d like that,” Sousuke replies almost immediately.
She grins, giving him a wave. “Get home safely! I’ll see you at your next appointment at my office, okay?”
Sousuke waves back, watching her turn around and walk away toward the train station. He never wants to watch her go, but his legs stay frozen exactly where they are.
-----
Gou has a spring to her step at his next appointment. She hums when she enters the room, a pen tucked behind her ear. The front pocket of her forest green scrubs is stuffed with a candy bar. “You look like you’re in a good mood,” Sousuke muses, flashing a sly smile as she closes the door behind her.
“It is a good day,” Gou insists, smoothing out her hair. The pen falls to the floor and she bends to pick it up, “I have my favourite patient after all.” Sousuke watches the way her body moves, how it curves and bends.
He catches himself staring, shifting his attention to the floor. “What happened to all the doctor-patient mumbo jumbo you went on and on about?” Sousuke asks nonchalantly, even as his heart hammers in his chest.
Gou hums thoughtfully, pulling up her stool. She sits across from him and her face erupts into a dazzling grin. “Who said I don’t tell every patient they’re my favourite?” She puts a hand on his knee and Sousuke’s heartrate spikes.
“That’s… fair enough,” he replies finally. He thankfully turns away to lay on his stomach so she can get on with the appointment. As she works his shoulder through a variety of exercises, Sousuke wills himself to calm down. His hands feel clammy, his face feels warm. Just Gou’s presence is riling him up.
And he knows it’s wrong.
She a widow; a grieving one for god’s sake.
“Sousuke? Are you listening?” Gou’s voice breaks into his thoughts, and he realizes she’s been trying to get his attention.
“What?” He replies lamely, sitting up when she taps his back.
Gou hands him one of the small weights from the shell on the wall. “I asked if you wanted to have dinner with me,” she says again, while mimicking the exercise she wants him to do.
Sousuke has to bite the inside of his cheek to distract his unbecoming giddiness. “Dinner?” He approaches the subject carefully, sweeping her face for any hidden implications.
“I thought it would be nice for you, me and onii-chan to go out for dinner,” Gou replies, setting down the weight in her hand to write in her folder. “Like we used to.”
Sousuke wills himself not to look so crestfallen. “That sounds great Gou,” he agrees, his wavering smile meeting her radiant one.
“Great! Are you free Thursday night?” Gou practically dances in her seat with joy, and Sousuke can’t help that warmth that blooms in his chest at the sight of her so happy.
“Thursday works great for me,” Sousuke says. Gou stands, tucking the folder under her arm and slipping her pen back behind her ear. “Onii-chan will text you the rest of the details,” she chirps, giving him a pat on his good shoulder. “Don’t forget to book your next appointment before you leave!”
They meet at a low scale sushi place in Shibuya next Thursday. It’s the dead of winter, and Sousuke shakes the excess snow clinging to his boots on the mat at the door. From the corner of his eye, he can see two heads of red hair tucked away on the left side of the small restaurant. “Over here Sousuke!” Gou waves at him.
Sousuke unwraps the scarf from his neck, hanging his jacket on the back of his chair. He sits across from the two siblings, who have already ordered enough sushi to last them until the new year. “I’m so glad you could make it!” Gou says cheerfully. Her hair is braided to the side today, and her fluttery eyelashes bat under a layer of light mascara.
“You look good Gou,” Sousuke replies, and he means it. She’s been looking better lately; like she’s healing. Sousuke wants only the best for her, and he thinks Rin can sense it too.
“You’re telling me,” Rin says humorously, “I haven’t seen Gou eat this much since high school-ow!”
Gou hits his arm, puffing her cheeks. “Stop being rude onii-chan!”
Sousuke chuckles under his breath, waving over a waiter to grab himself a drink. “You two definitely fight like we’re still in high school.”
The waiter returns with drinks for the table, and the trio spend hours in the restaurant. It feels like no time has passed. Everything is as familiar as Sousuke remembers it. It’s easy; smooth conversation that progresses like their lives and time hasn’t teased them all apart. Sousuke finds himself relaxing for the first time in what feels like months. He craves solace in the sound of Gou’s voice, in the way her cheeks lift when she grins. When they finally pay the bill and get ready to leave, Rin cuts in, “Gou, Sousuke and I can walk you home.”
The three of them walk in silence in the street. The sky is dark, golden lamp light flickering overhead. Sousuke and Rin walk Gou to her apartment complex, waving as she disappears inside. Sousuke turns to leave, headed in the direction of the train station when Rin stops him. He holds onto Sousuke’s arm, “Hey, can we talk?”
The sound of Rin’s voice is serious. He hardly ever speaks like that, so Sousuke nods solemnly. “What’s up?”
Rin lets go of his arm, gesturing for Sousuke to walk and talk with him. They’ve been walking for about 5 minutes in silence when Rin finally speaks. “You like my sister, don’t you?”
The question is neither accusatory nor light-hearted. By the look of Rin’s face, Sousuke can tell Rin means much more than the fondness a friend has. He swallows hard. “What are you talking about?” He asks lamely, trying to exhale a laugh.
“Sousuke, how long have we known each other? 20 years? I know you. You’re shit at lying.”
“You’re starting to sound like Gou,” Sousuke tries to joke, but Rin doesn’t seem very receptive. He shoves his hands into his coat pockets. “Rin… Your sister and I… Our relationship… Isn’t what you think it is.”
“Is that why you were giving her googly eyes at the table all night?” Rin asks, an eyebrow raised.
Sousuke looks away stubbornly, “I was not.”
Rin smiles sympathetically, clapping Sousuke on the back, “I’m not mad, Sousuke.”
Sousuke hesitates for a moment, pondering his next move. His shoulders grow lax. “Okay… Let’s say that hypothetically I have the smallest, littlest… attraction to your sister. What’s it to you?”
“Well, one, she’s my sister and I’ll beat the shit out of anyone who hurts her,” Rin replies, so quickly it sends a shiver down Sousuke’s spine. But he relaxes when Rin sighs, “I just… I want you to be careful.”
Sousuke rolls his eyes, “Rin, I’ve known your sister just as long as I’ve known you. I think I can handle her.”
Rin shakes his head, “That’s not what I mean.” They stop at a crossroad, Rin’s face illuminated in the red of the stop light. “I don’t know how much you know about Gou and the shit she’s been through. And it’s definitely not my place to tell you about it. But I want you to be careful. Gou… I haven’t seen her this happy in a long time. But she’s still…” He hesitates, “hurting.”
The light changes to green, but neither of them moves. “I don’t want you to get caught up in all of that.”
Sousuke swallows, his head reeling. He knows that. More than anyone, he should know that. But he can’t help the feelings that bubble in his stomach, threatening to come alive before he can stop them. “I… I don’t want to hurt her,” Sousuke says. “Rin, I swear to you I don’t want to hurt your sister.”
Rin smiles sympathetically, “It’s not her I’m worried about.” A car whizzes by just as the light changes back to red. Rin sighs, pushing the pedestrian crossing button. When the light turns again, they continue their walk down the street. “Just be careful, okay? Can you promise me that?”
Sousuke nods, though nauseated to his stomach, “I promise.”
-----
Rin’s words occupy Sousuke’s head for way too long. He can’t seem to shake them, no matter how hard he tries. He thinks about Gou, and the things that she’s gone through. He wants to be the one to hold her through all that; to be the one she goes to for comfort. But he knows he can’t. She’s just begun to heal, and he has to let her do that for herself.
He thinks about calling her about a couple dozen times, and is thankful he doesn’t have to, when she calls him early on Sunday morning in December.
“Sousuke!” She says, her voice instantly melting his heart into a desolate puddle of mush. “You haven’t booked your next appointment yet,” she scolds. “I just checked my schedule for this week, and you’re nowhere to be seen!”
He inhales thinly, “Sorry, I’ve been busy. My parents are coming up for Christmas, and I’m giving myself a headache trying to prepare.”
Gou’s laugh titters over the phone, “Well… That I understand.”
“What do you need Gou?” Sousuke asks, “Unless you really did only call to scold me about booking my PT appointments.”
“Oh, please, Sousuke I’m not that much of a bitch,” he can practically hear the eye roll in her voice. “I actually wanted to invite you to Roppongi with me tonight. My co-worker said that they’ve turned on the Christmas lights for the year, and I really want to see it!”
“The Christmas lights by Tokyo Tower? Haven’t you seen them before?”
“I’ve barely been in Tokyo for a year. Let me have this,” Gou whines over the phone. “I asked onii-chan to take me but he’s busy, and I really don’t want to go alone. Please?”
Sousuke tries to swallow down the disappointment in being her second choice of company. “You drive a hard bargain Gou, but I think I can manage,” Sousuke replies, preemptively smiling for when her voice lights up brighter than the Christmas lights.
“You are the best!” Gou coos, “I’ll meet you at the train station around 7, okay?”
Sousuke barely says yes before she hangs up, and he’s left to figure out what the hell he’s supposed to do today to kill time and kill his nerves all at the same time. By the time the night rolls around, he’s done nothing all day but mull over which pair of jeans he should wear, and whether he should bring Gou coffee. She meets him at the station, happily surprised when he hands her a can of coffee he purchased last minute from the vending machine. “Thank you,” Gou says, smiling. She grabs onto his arm, pulling him onto the street.
The streets are crowded, as to be expected on a weekend. Gou clings tighter to his arm, cracking open her can. She takes a slow and thoughtful sip. Her eyes twinkle with delight when they come up upon the trees that are laden with Christmas lights. “Woah…” She breathes, the warmth of her breath whispering out in a puff of steam.
“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Sousuke says, “It’s the closest we’ll get to seeing stars clearly because of the light pollution.”
“It’s beautiful,” Gou beams, her eyes brighter than any star Sousuke could ever imagine setting sights on. Gou’s focus shifts from the lights adorning the trees to street vendor selling crepes on the corner of the street. “Oh… Let’s get some!”
Sousuke doesn’t even have to reply before she’s dragging him over there. She orders two crepes, a strawberry one for herself, a banana one for him. They find a place to sit on a metal bench under one of the Christmas lit trees.
Snow begins to fall, clinging to Gou’s eyelashes. The flakes sparkle in the low glow of the lights like magic. Like they’re in their own little snow globe. Gou eats her crepe happily, while Sousuke stares at her. She’s so beautiful. “Oy, be careful,” Sousuke chuckles lowly, dabbing at her chin with a napkin, as she gets cream on her face.
Gou smiles appreciatively, turning her head to look at the lights again. “I wish Akito could see this… He would have loved it,” She says nostalgically. Her voice is barely above a whisper, but Sousuke hears it. The mention of Gou’s late husband puts a confusing concoction of sympathy and jealousy in Sousuke’s stomach.
“I thought he didn’t like winter?” Sousuke asked, crumpling the crepe wrapper in his hands when he finishes his food.
Gou frowns for a moment. “I guess it wasn’t winter he hated so much… The cold, the short daylight hours… He loved Christmas. He loved moments like these. Quiet and magical.”
Sousuke exhales through clenched teeth, begging himself to be reasonable. Of course, she’s going to talk about her late husband. Akito still means everything to her. “What do you love Gou?” Sousuke finds himself asking, before he can tell himself to stop.
“What do I love?” She echoes back, confused. “What do you-”
“What do you love about moments like these Gou?” Sousuke presses on, his heart starting to hammer in his head. The sane part of his head is flashing warning signs behind his eyes, but he pretends not to see them.
“It’s calm…” Gou replies finally, still trying to process the question. “Everything is a bit surreal, like a beautiful dream.” She turns to look at him, and Sousuke is right there. His teal eyes burn with intensity that could melt her on the spot. “S-Sousuke?”
His palm cups her face, and she shivers at the touch. Her lips tremble. “Gou…” Sousuke murmurs tenderly, breath against her skin.
Her gaze searches in his for something, anything, to explain what is happening between them. His forehead presses against hers, and her eyes flutter shut. She opens her mouth to say something, but Sousuke shushes her soothingly. “Mmm…” Gou whimpers, when he tilts her head to his, his lips brushing gently over her soft lips.
The kiss is soft, brief, but electric. Sousuke feels the hair on the back of his neck raise with tingling static. He tries to burn the sensation into his memory forever.
But just as quickly as the moment begins, it comes to an abrupt stop. Gou is pushing him away, her hands firm on his chest. He pulls away, his head reeling. But his whole body goes stone cold when he sees the look on her face.
Gou is absolutely white, all the colour drained from her face. It finally occurs to Sousuke what he’s done, and the dread sweeps over and swallows the jealousy that burned in his gut. “Oh my god…” Sousuke breathes sharply, trying to reach out for her. But Gou swats his hand away, standing up abruptly. “Gou… Wait… Let me explain…”
She has yet to say anything, but her eyes are wide with fear. “Um, I have to go,” she finally chokes out. Her knees wobble and knock together, but she starts to back away.
Sousuke rises, grabbing onto her arm. “Gou, please… Can we… Can we talk about this?”
Gou rips her arm away, looking at him with a helpless expression. “No… We… I… I can’t. I can’t…” Stray tears fall down her cheeks and she swipes them away with the back of her hand. “Sorry. I have to… I have to go.”
And she’s running away. She’s dashing away as far as she can from him, pushing through the crowd until he’s lost her completely.
Sousuke sinks back down onto the bench, brushing his fingers over his lips. He tries to rationalize to himself what the hell he’s just done, but no matter what he tells himself, it never makes sense. He’s gone and fucked up the only thing he’s ever really wanted.
And he has no clue what to do.
-----
Gou won’t answer his calls. He’s called at least ten times in the last 2 hours, but she won’t pick up. The rational part of Sousuke’s brain tells him to give her space, but the crazy, apparently insane, part of him begs him to keep calling.
He throws his phone across his bedroom, the battery popping out from the back in an unceremonious crash. Sousuke rakes a hand through his hair, trying to stop his mind from racing so crazily.
What has he done? What does Gou think of him now? What will Rin say when he finds out?
Sousuke flops back onto his bed, staring at the ceiling, but seeing nothing. He replays the moment over and over again in his head. Touching Gou’s skin made him feel more at home than he has in a long time. But he also sees her ashen face, all the trust he’s spent so much time building disappearing right before his eyes.
He wakes up the next morning in the same clothes he wore the next day. The sky is bleak, a blanket of clouds covers the sun. Sousuke can hear the wind howling against the pane of the window. He forces himself out of bed, picking up his phone from the floor. When he puts the battery back in and his phone comes back to life, he’s got 20 missed calls from Rin and at least 30 text messages. Sousuke scrolls through them aimlessly, not even sure how he should respond. If he were Rin, he’d be mad too.
The only thing he can think to do is change out of his clothes. Once he’s showered and changed, he feels a little better. But it does nothing to help the ache in his chest. He sits down on his bed, dialing Rin’s number and bracing for the hell storm he’s going to get from his best friend.
Rin’s voice is surprisingly calm when he picks up the phone. Somehow, that makes Sousuke feel even more terrible than he did already. “Gou said to stop calling her,” he says, without an ounce of anger.
The weight in Sousuke’s chest crashes into his stomach. He rakes a hand through his hair, “Did… Did she say anything?” He asks, feeling helpless. “Is there something I can do? Can you tell her I’m sorry? I didn’t mean to… I never wanted to-”
“I think that’s something you have to tell her yourself,” Rin replies.
“But… she won’t talk to me,” Sousuke swallows hard. He’s not one to cry, but he can’t deny the stinging pressure building at the back of his eyes. “Just… Just tell her I’m sorry. I need her to know how sorry I am-”
“She just needs time,” Rin offers. His voice is sympathetic and quiet. “I can’t speak for Gou, but she’s been lost for a long time. She needs time to sort herself out before she can talk to you.”
Sousuke nods, even though Rin can’t see it. “S-should I wait for her to call me? Do I call her?” He doesn’t know when it started, but his hands are shaking. Gou is the sunshine of his life. He didn’t realize how empty he felt when she had disappeared from it. But now that he’s had her in it, he never wants to be without her again.
“Just… Back off for a little bit. You know Gou, she does everything in her own time.”
Sousuke exhales, “I’m sorry Rin.” The lump in his throat aches. “I didn’t mean to hurt her… I don’t… I don’t know what I was doing.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me,” Rin says.
The line goes dead. Sousuke pulls the phone away from his ear. He looks at the calendar above his desk, and then at his phone again. He calls Gou’s office. The receptionist says Gou’s appointments are fully booked for the next month.
“Do you want to book an appointment with Takahashi-san instead?”
“Um, sure, that’s fine,” Sousuke mumbles, as the receptionist clicks away at her keyboard and books him an appointment in 2 weeks.
He knows Gou won’t speak to him at his appointment with the other doctor, but he finds himself dreading and anticipating the appointment all the same. It feels like he’s holding his breath, his lungs ache like they’ll never know how to breathe properly again.
Sousuke just needs to see her. He needs to look in her eyes and tell her how sorry he is. He thinks about going to her apartment every day for the next two weeks, but Rin’s voice in his head stops him every time.
When he walks to his appointment, it’s bitterly cold. It hasn’t stopped snowing for at least a week. The sky is gloomy and grey, crying snowflakes, as though mourning the loss of the sun. Sousuke taps his boots on the door mat in front of the office, removing them and using a pair of slippers kept in the basket in the waiting room.
The receptionist checks him in, directing him into the other patient room. It’s different. Takahashi’s PT room is clinical, silver weights and his diplomas framed and hung on the walls. He misses Gou’s bright pink dumbbells and comically large muscle posters.
The door opens, and he’s surprised to see Gou standing there. Something about her is different. She’s cut her hair again. It sits just below her ears, frizzy and fluffy in dry winter air. Sousuke tries to say something, but his mouth is glued shut. “Takahashi-san called in sick,” Gou says quietly. She closes the door behind her, sitting in the stool that is too tall for her. “I’m seeing his patients today.”
“Gou…” Sousuke finally finds his voice. He swallows hard, “I’m… I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” she replies curtly, smoothing down her hair.
“It’s not fine… I’m really sorry for what I did. I had no right to do that… I-”
She snaps his folder shut. “Stop talking,” she demands. Sousuke freezes at the coolness in her voice. Gou’s lips tremble. She puts the folder down on the floor, her body slumping as she puts her elbows to her knees. Gou cradles her head in her hands, looking at him with wet eyes, “Why? Why did you do it?” She asks.
Sousuke knows. He knows exactly why he did it. He’s known since it happened. Hell, he’s known since before he kissed her. But he doesn’t deserve her. He didn’t then, and he certainly doesn’t now.
But Gou’s eyes plead for the truth. She sits in front of him with more grace than he deserves, begging for a shred of honesty, that he’s been denying her since he met her again.
Sousuke looks away, squeezing his hands so tight, his nails carve crescent shapes in his skin. “Because… Because I love you, Gou,” Sousuke says finally. He decides to be brave and looks at her. She’s crying. Silent tears stream down her face, dripping down her chin and onto the floor. “I know I don’t deserve you,” Sousuke continues, wanting desperately to reach out and wipe the tears from her face, but he can’t bare to touch her. “I know I can’t expect you to forgive me after what I did. I know you’re still grieving your husband’s death. I took advantage of you when you trusted me with the most vulnerable parts of yourself. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me…”
Silence hangs in the air. Gou inhales shakily, wiping the tears from her eyes. She sits up straight. “Sousuke… I can’t be your doctor anymore.”
He’s imagined this scene in his head more times than he can count over the past two weeks. But that was never something he thought she would say. “W-what? What do you…? What are you saying?” Sousuke panics.
Gou stands up, pacing nervously before she swings her leg over the patient table to straddle it. She takes his face in her hands, a terrified and shaky smile on her face. “Don’t you see? I can’t be a physician to a man that loves me. Not like this, not when I love him.”
It’s like the whole world slows. Blood rushes into Sousuke’s ears, washing everything out until all he can hear is Gou’s voice. “What-”
“When you kissed me… I felt things I haven’t felt in a long time,” Gou’s voice is barely above a whisper. “Things I hadn’t felt since Akito was alive.” Her palm caresses his cheek; her skin is so warm. “And I felt… Like I betrayed him somehow. He was my husband; the love of my life. I never thought that I could live without him.
I thought I deserved to be unhappy because I couldn’t save him. I thought it wasn’t fair for me to live my life if he didn’t have his anymore. I thought… I thought I wouldn’t be able to find love again.”
Gou blinks and the tears are falling all over again. “And then I found you. And you reminded me of all the good that I had in my life. You reminded me how to smile, and how to live because I wanted to, not just to survive. And I thought to myself… I don’t deserve a man like you. I don’t deserve to have a second chance. Not without Akito. You kissed me and I felt like I was betraying the only man I have ever loved.”
“Gou…” Sousuke wipes her tears with the pad of his thumb.
“But he’s not the only man I have ever loved,” Gou says. “He’s the only man I have ever loved like Akito deserved. And he loves…” She clears her throat, “loved me. Every night for the past two weeks I’ve been asking him to forgive me. Asking him to forgive me for falling in love with someone else while I still love and grieve him. But I realized he’d never want me to be alone. He’d want me to be happy. He’d want me to find the people who make my life worth living again. He’d want me to find someone like you.” She leans forward, her forehead brushing against his, as she clasps his hand tight and holds it to her chest. “I’m a widow. I’ve loved and I’ve grieved, and I’m still healing. But I love you.” Her lips brush against his softly, “I’m not perfect. I know you’re not either. But I want to be with you. I deserve that much… and so do you.”
Everything feels like a dream. Gou is in front of him, telling him she loves him. It’s everything Sousuke has ever dreamed about since the minute she walked through the door that very first time. “Gou… I don’t… I don’t want to take advantage of you when you’re grieving,” Sousuke murmurs, “you’ve been through so much already…”
Gou laughs breathily, holding his hand tighter to her chest. “You’re a good man, Sousuke. One of the best I’ve ever met. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. Akito is my past, but you’re my future. And I want to spend it with you.”
Her words fill Sousuke’s body with warmth, like someone dropped a match in his stomach and it lights his limbs on fire, spreading into his fingertips and toes. “I… I want to spend the future with you too. I want to be there when you’re at your best. I want to be there when you’re at your worst. If… If this is what you want, I want to be with you.”
“This is what I want,” Gou confirms, her other hand cradling the back of his head. “Now kiss me, you idiot.”
And wasting no more time, he does.
-----
Epilogue
It’s been 4 months since then. Christmas and New Year’s race by. Sousuke realizes time moves faster when you have someone you love to share it with.
Early April is still blustery. The wind is cold when the sun is hidden. The floorboards of his apartment are still cold in the morning, when frost coats the grass and melts in the sun. Sousuke gets up at half past 8 to Gou making coffee in the kitchen. “You’re awake,” she smiles, turning to him when he enters the kitchen.
She’s wearing one of his shirts. It hangs off her small frame, covering her pale thighs. Gou hums to herself as she pours the coffee into mugs she gifted him for Christmas. He sits at the kitchen table, watching her float around the kitchen like an angel; like he still can’t believe she’s there.
Gou sets a mug in front of him, sliding in the chair beside him. She drapes her cold legs over his lap, sipping her coffee. “Did you sleep well?” She asks.
Their relationship started off slow at first. Sousuke transfers his file to Takahashi’s care, and picks Gou up from work on Wednesdays. Gou doesn’t sleep over at his place until New Year’s when they have too much champagne and fall asleep together on the couch before the ball drops in Time Square. After that, she does it a lot more often.
Sousuke tries to take things slow. He doesn’t rush her, and Gou only does what she wants them to. Her stuff slowly starts to appear all over his apartment. First, it’s a toothbrush. Then it’s her favourite pair of scrubs. One day she shows up at his door with an overnight bag, and he clears a drawer in the dresser for her, no questions asked.
She also keeps a picture of Akito. It’s a wallet sized photo from their wedding; a warm and intimate ceremony in a courthouse. Sousuke doesn’t think Gou could look any more beautiful than she does in that picture.
“Sousuke?”
Sousuke blinks, realizing he’s zoned out again. Gou drains the last of her coffee, rubbing his thigh. “Yeah, I slept okay.”
He always sleeps better when she’s beside him.
Gou grins, standing from her chair to put away her mug in the sink. She returns, but instead slides into his lap, straddling his body with her legs and pressing a kiss to his lips. His hands find her waist, pressing a soft kiss on her jaw. “What’s got you all contemplative this morning?” She asks teasingly.
“I’m just thinking about how lucky I am to get to love you,” Sousuke replies, tucking stray hair behind her ear.
Gou hums appreciatively, cupping his face to land a long and slow kiss to his lips. Sousuke doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the magnetic pull of her body. Their kiss lingers, melting into something deeper and needier. Gou squeezes her legs tightly around his waist, “I love you Sousuke.” Sousuke smiles, standing from his chair while Gou squeals and wraps her legs around his hips. “Hey! What about your coffee?”
“Coffee can wait,” Sousuke murmurs against her skin, kissing her neck. “You can’t.”
She laughs, but lets him carry her from the kitchen, down the hallway, toward his bedroom. “You’re crazy,” she says.
“But I’m your crazy,” he replies, watching the way her eyes light up with a smile. She rolls her eyes, but pulls him in for another kiss, more demanding and needier than before.
He grins, shutting the bedroom door behind them.