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Guangyou looked so small standing before him, miserable, tired. He looked nothing like the dignified sect leader he had been, the Grand Excellency, who had built himself up from the bottom, carved out his place in the cultivation world. Once he had demanded respect, had inspired reverence in him. Now Xichen barely recognised the other anymore.
Once Xichen had loved Guangyao. And, deep down he could admit he still did. A love like this didn’t just suddenly flicker out like a candle in a gust of wind, from one moment to the next. But now this love was tainted. Tainted with disappointment, with betrayal, with doubt.
“Er-ge”, a voice interrupted his spiralling thoughts.
Guangyao reached out a hand to him but dropped it at the last moment, as if afraid to touch him. Xichen was glad for that. He didn’t know if he would have been able if Guangyao had actually touched him.
“Why A-Yao?” he asked, “why did...” Why did you do all this? Why did you have to go this far? Why did you not trust me to have your back? Was it all worth it? he wanted to ask, but he couldn’t get the words out.
Xichen had known that behind the strong and calm veneer had hid a wounded spirit, of course he had, and he had also known of his skills as a spy, but he had never thought Guangyao capable and willing to go to such lengths.
He had known of the bullying he had had to endure, both at Qinghe and at Lanling, at he hands of everyone, from simple guards to his own father. He had always known how desperate Guangyao had been for approval, and recognition of his skills. He had known how much he wanted to carve out a place for himself, make a name for himself, how desperately he just wanted to belong.
Xichen had never begrudged him that. Wasn’t it only human to want to belong? But now he couldn’t help but wonder whether this simply meant he had turned a blind eye and deliberately looked the other way all this time. But no, that couldn’t be, could it? He’d like to thing he would have spoken up, intervened even, if he had noticed anything were amis, if just, but not only for Guangyao’s sake.
He had always known that Guangyao felt that the world owed him for he had had to unjustly endure, but he never thought just how paranoid and bent on getting what he felt he deserved the other had been. He had thought that his and Mingjue’s support had given him security in his place in the cultivation word, had thought that their relationship had softened the edges Guangyao liked to hide behind his kind smile. He had thought that Guangyao had known that he could alway, always come to him, that Xichen would do anything in his power to help him, that he didn’t have to fight alone anymore, that there was someone who always had his back and loved him, unconditionally for who he was.
But, a treacherous voice in the back of his mind whispered, you didn’t know who he truly was either, now did you?
Mingjue had always called him an idealistic optimist, maybe he really had just been a romantic, hopeful fool,. (He was a Lan after all, it was only fitting.)
And the romantic fool in him couldn’t condemn him to death either. He knew it was a justified sentence for Jin Guangyao’s crimes but the thought of his death hurt too much. It didn’t matter that wether in death or exile, he would never see him again. Death was permanent and Xichen couldn’t bear the thought. At least in exile Guangyao could try to figure out who he could be without the pressure from the cultivation world and maybe even find happiness. He knew most people wouldn’t think Jin Guangyao deserving of happiness anymore and he did understand, but he was a fool in love and fools in love were rarely ever rational.
Suddenly Nie Huisang cried out, ripping him out of his thoughts, and he whirled around sword drawn. And in one swift, heartbreaking motion his blade had pierced Jin Guangyao’s heart.
Guangyao cursed Nie Huisang and his entire existence and then he turned to Xichen, gaze sad and broken and stepped closer, uncaring of the sword through his chest
“I have commited the most atrocious crimes, and hurt countless people, I admit that now. But despite...,” he took a ragged, gasping breath, “...despite all of that, I never, never wanted to hurt you!” Guangyao said.
“Then why did you do all this? Did you not know that this would hurt me more than any physical wound you could inflict on me ever would? You were a sect leader, you were chief cultivator, was that not enough?” You had me, you had my support and my love, was that not enough? He didn’t ask
“I know you always believed in the best version of me and I love you all the more for that, but I had to. I couldn’t have lived on like that, constantly ridiculed and treated like the dirt on the soles of other people’s boots. I hated it, I hated constantly being dismissed as being a prostitute’s son, as though that had to mean that I was a lesser human being. People disregarded my every achievement, even as sect leader, and my own father only acknowledged me when I became of use to him.” Guangyao said while Xichen’s gaze was stuck in horror on the blood running over Guangyao’s chest.
“A-Huan,”, Xichen’s eyes snapped up, “I don’t expect you to understand, and I don’t need you to. You never had to live my life and for that I am glad, I couldn’t bear it if someone as good as you had to live like that. I don’t need you to forgive me either, I know I went against every moral and ethic principle and still I consciously chose this path, how xould I expect you to forgive that. All I need is for you to know and understand that I did love you; that I do love you still, fully and with all my heart.
“A-Yao...”
“Shhhh, er-ge, it’s alright. You always were to good for me and yet you still loved me and for that I thank you. You were the best thing in my life.”
“A-Yao, I...”
“Er-ge, Xichen, A-Huan. Thank you for believing in me, thank you for seeing the best me, thank you for seeing who I could have been. Thank you for loving me.”, Guangyao whispered, cold palm cradling his hand, wiping away the tears Xichen hadn’t even realised had spilled. “In my next life I will find you and I will do right by you, this is swear.”
And then his hand slipped of his face and fell down, limp.