Chapter Text
Grace has never been one to shy away from the truth : she has fallen in love with a gangster from a catholic family of gypsy origins, the epitome of all she has been brought up to hate, to despise and to fight.
But the truth precisely is that, for her, he’s not that any more. He’s the only man she really sees. Not as he outwardly appears, or wants to appear, but as the complex, messed up human being he really is.
The good, the bad, she sees or she guesses all of it, and it makes no difference. In some ways, he’s so different from her that he’s nearly her polar opposite. But for all what really matters, she feels so close to him… His loneliness, in the middle of such a crowd of people, is the sister of her own, who was brought up as an only child by a very busy man. Like her, a painful past shapes his path. Like her, he sees himself as irrevocably tainted by the means he has to use to reach his goals. They both do bad things for good reasons, or what they think are good reasons. And at least, Tommy does what he does for his family.
How ludicrous are Campbell’s pompous speeches about their shared ideals and commitment to duty ! The truth is that she was full of hatred, of a thirst for revenge, and she was ready to do anything to satisfy it. As for Campbell, he’s obviously self-deluded as well, for what drives him is ambition. She doesn’t want to believe some of the things she has heard about what he did in Ulster : not gentleman, no friend of his father would stoop to that. But he’s nonethless very far from the knight in shining armour he believes himself to be.
But didn’t she share, not so long ago, Campbell’s image of the world in black and white ? How can meeting one single man change so many things?
For the truth is that what she feels for Tommy is far beyond any kind of distinction between right and wrong. Whatever the differences or similarities between them, whatever he or she has done or will do, when she's in his arms, when he says her name in his very special way, she feels as if they were two elements completing each others, as perfecty as two pieces of the same puzzle. As if they had always been meant for each others.
This is love. She has read about such feelings, but never experienced them. She has fancied herself in love before, a few times. But she realizes now that it was physical attraction, or admiration, or pleasure to find a mind attuned to hers. Nothing of these was love. Unconsciously, she might have known it, for she didn’t accept the proposals she received, back in Ireland, from two men who were very eligible ones, according to her social sphere.
When did she fall in love ?
Maybe it was the very first time, when they found themselves facing each others at the Garrison. She had been completely taken aback by the sudden and strong feeling of attaction, and she’d had the instant intuition that he had felt the same. She didn’t know who he was at the moment, but she’d immediately realized that he was no ordinary man. She’d not been surprised when Harry, with his veiled sentences, had warned her against him. So this was Thomas Shelby, one of the two targets of her mission.
It had been rather easy, then, to tell herself that she had just felt the connexion between the hunter and the prey.
But a few days later, she’d heard him talk to his frightenend horse, his deep, velvet voice softened even more to soothe the beautiful stallion. She hadn’t heard what he had said, but she had been struck by his gentle, almost tender tone.
Or maybe the turning point had been the night when he had come to the Garrison, far after closing time, with that lost expression in his eyes. That night, he had sought confort with her, he had let her see him as even his family (or maby especially his family) never saw him. Was it because «barmaids don’t count» ? Or because he too already felt something for her ? That night, she had realized for good that he wasn’t the soulless brute Cambell described, or even the ruthless, cold and remorseless leader everyone thought him to be.
Of course, there had been the races, and the way he had planned to use her, the way he had actually left her at that pig’s mercy. What if she had really been what she pretended to be, a helpless, well-educated girl who had been outcast by her family ? How angry she had been at Tommy then, and at herself too for having developped some kind of soft spot for such a filthy, pimping bastard !
But he’d changed his mind in time, he’d come back for her with a story that might well have put an end to his deal with Kimber, had not the man been so much in need for help against the Lees. So she had been right after all, she had thought on their way back, he did have a heart and a conscience, as hard as he tried to ignore them. This inner conflicts, his hesitations in front of the means he’d though himself ready to use… how much of herself she had recognized in that ! Or maybe, she had just been too much in love already not to forgive him.
And then, there had been that moment when he’d arrived at the pub, slightly out of breath, and had asked her to help him against some fenians determined to kill him. Why had she felt the urge to shoot, in spite of what he’d instructed her to do, in spite of what he’d said about the police wanting these men alive ? Was it because of her hatred for the IRA, of because of that primal fear that had seized her at seing Tommy held at gunpoint by these merciless men ? Anyway, Moss would have been too late to save him, so she can't regret what she did.
What she regrets, now, is to have so faithfully reported everything she could learn to Campbell, even things that had nothing to do with the guns. Such as Freddie’s presence in Small Heath on the night of his son’s birth. He’s a communist, and she’s always been taught that prison is where any communist should be. But she saw the pain hidden in Tommy’s eyes and in his falsly detached tone, when he told her that all his family hated him. Because of her, now everyone thinks he’s the one who snitched on his old friend and brother-in-law. How painful it must be that even his closest kin would think him capable of that !
She regrets as well to have told Campbell about the secret date Tommy chose to put an end to Kimber’s hold on the races. What if the man warns Kimber, and then do nothing to prevent the fight ? Grace is very well aware now that Campbell’s fight against Tommy has become personal. His oversized ego just can’t stand having been outsmarted for so long by a man who in his eyes is just «gypsy scum».
But now, Grace is almost sure that she knows where the guns are hidden. And if she doesn’t tell Campbell, sooner or later, the IRA might put their hands on them. Would Tomy willingly betray his country, the country he bravely fought for, would he sell his loot to these enemies of the Crown ? Grace is not sure, and it frightens her to realize that even if he did, she would not stop loving him. But anyway, he could be forced to give the guns to them, didn’t this nearly happen ? And if it did, whereas she could have prevented it, Grace could never live with herself .
But if something happened to Tommy, could she live, period ?
There’s no escape from the truth : she’s fallen in love with Tommy Shelby. But there’ no escape from her duty either : she must tell Campbell when the guns are hidden.
Grace will have to face both these truths, and act on them as she always did.
Maybe she can find a way out of that dilemna. Maybe she can strike a deal with Campbell : she will tell him where the guns are, and in return, he will promise her not to do anything to harm Tommy. She knows the man well enought now to realize that he doesn’t always keep his word, at least to people he doesn’t deem worthy of it. But she doesn’t think he would break his word as a gentleman to her, his friend’s daughter, and a woman of his own class, for whom he has always professed so much admiration and respect.
Thus she will fulfill her mission, save her country from a deadly threat and Tommy from Campbell’s clutches in the same time. And then, she will immediately resign her position… To do what ? This she doesn’t know. How will she find the courage to confess to Tommy what she has done ? How could she bear to see the trust vanish from his eyes ? She doesn’t know yet. First, she has to make sure that he will be safe.