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Kageyama has been running for half an hour when it finally dawns on him he might actually be lost. It’s his first time trying out this trail, which is located a twenty-minute drive outside of the city. It’s used mostly for hiking and is a bit on the lengthy side, but the route had looked simple and straightforward enough on the map. Half an hour means he should’ve made it through the forest and back to the parking lot already, but he’s starting to wonder if this is in fact his second time passing this particular clearing. He seems to vaguely remember that one weirdly crooked tree and that big mossy rock.
Kageyama tilts his head back, looking through the dense canopy above him and up at a sky that keeps turning more and more overcast. Maybe coming all the way out here was a bad idea after all. Maybe searching for new running trails further and further away from the city was always a bad idea – he used to be of the opinion that driving to where you want to run is stupid.
He sighs heavily. It’s nearing the end of August and the weather has been variable lately – hot and humid one day and gray and rainy the next. If it starts raining now then it’s just his luck. Kageyama steps into the shadow of a nearby tree and pulls the map up on his phone, frowning. He doesn’t get it. The GPS says he’s on the right track but there are so many identical side roads trailing off in different directions that it’s hard to tell exactly. Maybe he accidentally strayed from the main path at one point? Will he make it back to the parking lot eventually if he just continues down this road?
Kageyama ponders his options. Meanwhile a disruptive insect keeps swarming around his head, the buzzing constantly coming and going, and the more he swats at it, the more persistent it becomes. In the end he smacks the bug against his neck, annoyed – and immediately regrets it.
It’s like he was just stabbed with a needle. The pain is followed by a burning, itchy sensation that is enhanced when he presses his sweaty palm against the spot.
“What the hell,” he swears. “Did you just –? You little sh–”
“You’re too close to the hive.”
The unknown voice is loud in the otherwise so peaceful silence and Kageyama jumps as though he was just stung a second time. He glances around, trying to locate the source, and then takes a startled step back when someone suddenly emerges from the nearby bushes.
Whoever it is doesn’t actually look much like a person at all. They’re wearing an all-white full body suit, complete with boots and thick gloves, and their face is completely obscured by a black mesh veil hanging from the brim of their hat. Kageyama isn’t even sure if there’s in fact a person hiding under there, he’s kind of just assuming it.
“What–?” he utters stupidly. “What do you mean, hive…?”
“If you’re too close to the hive, they’re likely to want to protect it and then you could risk getting stung,” the person explains matter-of-factly. “Are you allergic?”
“Huh? Allergic? To what?”
“You got stung, right? By one of my bees?”
“One of your bees?”
The more this stranger speaks, the more Kageyama feels his brain tangle up in bewildered knots, and he gives up on trying to understand. Instead he just nods because it’s true after all; he was stung.
The person steps closer and pulls their hat off, finally removing the black veil, and Kageyama doesn’t know what he expected to see but it definitely wasn’t the young man who’s staring up at him now. He must be close to his own age but he’s almost a head shorter, with a faint trail of freckles strewn across his nose and the softest swirls of curly, tangerine-colored hair.
“So are you allergic?” he asks again. “To bee stings?”
“I… don’t know,” Kageyama admits. “Never been stung by a bee before. Had no idea you could even be allergic to something like that.”
The redhead reaches up on his tiptoes and squints at the affected area on his neck.
“It’s a little swollen but nothing too bad… And you don’t look pale or anything. You feeling okay? You’re not dizzy or nauseous, are you?”
“No, I – I’m fine,” Kageyama mutters, trying to avoid the big brown eyes staring attentively up at him.
“Wait here,” the young man says. “Don’t scratch it.”
He disappears back into the shrubbery for a few seconds and reemerges carrying a backpack. He orders Kageyama to sit down on the nearest rock, rummages through his belongings, and eventually pulls out a small red and white tube.
“This cream helps against the swelling,” he explains. “I always keep this with me, just in case.”
“Oh. Um, okay.”
“Looks like the stinger is still stuck in there,” he says as he gently dresses his wound. “So don’t scratch or squeeze it. It’ll come out on its own after a while.”
“Seriously?” Kageyama stares up at him, slightly alarmed. “It’s not dangerous to leave it?”
“Not at all! Also, I’ll have you know that bees are usually very peaceful; they’ll only sting if they feel threatened. Best thing you can do to avoid getting hurt is to calmly walk away.”
“And… where’s the bee now?”
“Dead, most likely.”
“Really?”
“Yep! Honeybees can’t pull the stinger back out without ripping their insides to shreds. It’s pretty metal, if you ask me.” He caps the tube of cream and smiles brightly. “There! All set. It should be gone within a week.”
“Thanks,” Kageyama mutters awkwardly and gets up. “Sorry for troubling you and for, um… getting in the way like this.”
“No worries, you didn’t know.” The redhead tilts his head, looking his outfit over for a second. “You out running or something?”
“I was, but then I got a little…” Kageyama trails off, embarrassed.
“Lost?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, this area is honestly a bit confusing, plus the map’s all weird. If you go back and continue another hundred meters or so you’ll find the crossroads I think you’re looking for. It’ll take you right back to the parking lot.”
“Oh… I see. Thanks – again.”
“No problem! Have a nice run!”
“Have a nice –” Kageyama gestures into the air, momentarily drawing a panicked blank, “um – day. Have a nice day.”
The redhead flashes him another bright smile, pulls his veiled hat over his head, and gives a small wave before disappearing back into the bushes. Kageyama turns around, walks the hundred meters as instructed, and sure enough – right around the next turn he finds the correct crossroads. He jogs the last part of the trail at a high pace and reaches his car just in time for the rain.
**
He doesn’t realize the apartment is empty until he drops his keys into the bowl and the clattering sound echoes through the place. Kageyama sighs, too loudly in the quiet space. It’s the same as always. He rarely announces his arrival anyway. He delays coming home, draws his return out a little longer, and this time is no exception. There’s no point in wasting speech on empty rooms, on someone who isn’t there. It’s much better just letting the words die in his throat rather than receiving no reply.
It’s another reminder why he’s seeking out all these new running trails in the first place, why he’s got this newfound desire to drive further and further out of the city, to remove himself from the apartment completely, even if only for a little while.
He assumes Hideki is still at work doing overtime. He’s been staying behind a lot lately. He’s the first one to leave in the morning and the last one to come home at night, often long after dinnertime, sometimes even long after bedtime. Kageyama comes home several times a day – from work, from his run, from grocery shopping, from whatever – and he’ll still find himself home alone every single time.
It doesn’t matter if his partner is home or not, though. The atmosphere in the apartment is still going to be the same – unfamiliar, gloomy, awkward. It’s been like that for a long, long time and Kageyama isn’t sure how he’s supposed to deal with it. During these five years as a couple they’ve never really fought or argued, they’ve had an ideal, easygoing, hand-in-glove kind of relationship, they’ve always been a great fit for each other. Now it’s like they’re drifting apart. They’re growing into two separates, like they’re living their own private lives that never merge or meet, and Kageyama hates it. He hates that he can’t figure out how it happened and he hates that he can’t do anything to stop it. His forever is supposed to be right here but it feels like it’s ending.
He ignores the clenched fist in his gut and makes dinner, enough for two, and then eats alone. He’s already half asleep when his boyfriend returns but neither of them says anything, not until next morning and they both find themselves running late for work. They meet in the kitchen and end up making small talk over a quick cup of coffee. Hideki comments on the bug bite on Kageyama’s neck; Kageyama explains it’s a bee sting he suffered during his run yesterday. They laugh about it and eventually part with smiles and kisses.
That tiny moment leaves Kageyama in a good mood that lasts all day. He chats more freely with his colleagues, he doesn’t mind that he still has to plan next semester’s schedule, and he even lets his students play whatever team sport they want instead of the laps they were supposed to run.
It’s amazing how little it takes to dare feeling hopeful and optimistic. And it’s heartbreaking how coming home to the same dark and empty apartment so easily tears it all down again.
**
He hadn’t planned on running last weekend’s forest trail again any time soon. He has an upcoming parent-teacher conference to prepare for, he can’t seem to get next semester’s schedule to add up, and there are about fifty unread emails in his inbox. He’s just too busy. Kageyama had therefore planned to do a quick lap through the nearest park and be done with it, but when he spots the car keys in the bowl he can’t help it and changes his mind last minute. It’s like a drug, having the opportunity to drive somewhere just to run further, and now that he’s started doing it he just can’t seem to stop.
But physical exercise is good for the body, he reasons. His field of expertise is physical education, after all. And running in the park is boring anyway.
Kageyama hasn’t been thinking about the redhead he met last time, nor ‘his bees’, but the wound on his neck starts itching the moment he reaches the wrong crossroads, like a timely reminder. He slows down to a stop and stares down the narrow path. He wonders if he’s there today as well, that guy in the funny suit and hat. He’s probably not, and it’s not like Kageyama cares one way or another, but heading down this way won’t hurt. It’s just an extra lap, he tells himself. There’s even a slight incline. It’ll be just like interval training.
The clearing is empty and quiet, interrupted only by tweeting birds and faintly rustling leaves. Kageyama hesitates, debating whether or not he should run back but curiosity simply gets the better of him. He’s already come this far. He moves slowly in direction of the nearby bushes, wary of buzzing insects as he steps over branches and wild flowers, and soon he finds himself in a smaller, more secluded opening among the tall trees. Kageyama stops and tilts his head in confusion.
Standing there in the middle of a warm, sunny spot is a couple of boxes. Or at least he thinks they’re boxes, because the longer he looks at them, the more they appear to be anything but. In fact they look more like little houses – tiny apartment complexes three stories tall, with a flat roof and no windows. They must have been standing there for a while, judging from the wild poppies and tall bluebells leaning against them. This isn’t something someone decided to dump here out of the blue. The placement seems deliberate and planned, but at the same time it strikes him as such a random and unlikely place to construct something like this – whatever it is.
“Be careful or you’ll get stung again.”
Kageyama is so startled he trips over a small rock and nearly ends up head first in the shrubbery. He flails madly to regain balance and whips around to find a familiar face framed by bright orange curls laughing back at him.
“Are you lost?” he asks, clearly amused.
“Um, n-no,” Kageyama stammers, blushing when he realizes how much it looks like he’s snooping around like some creep. He has no idea how he’s supposed to explain his presence here. “I was really just –”
“How’s the bee sting?” the redhead interrupts. “Did it heal okay?”
Kageyama can’t tell if he’s asking because he’s genuinely wondering or if he’s just kindly saving him from the embarrassment, but either way he’s thankful.
“Uh… yeah,” he nods. “Yeah, it did. Thanks.”
There’s a moment of silence where the young man just frowns at him and Kageyama steadily turns an even brighter shade of pink, but before he can consider hightailing it out of there the redhead speaks up again.
“Are you by any chance interested in bees?”
“Bees?” Kageyama repeats, taken aback. “I wouldn’t exactly –”
“Because I’m a beekeeper and my bees live over there, in those hives.”
“Those are hives?” He looks over at the box-like structures again, surprised. “I thought they were just… some kind of storage.”
“Well, you’re not wrong, they kinda are! You’ve never seen one?”
Kageyama shakes his head and the redhead purses his lips into a thoughtful pout, humming to himself. Then he lights up, seemingly with a brilliant idea.
“You can help me out!” he suggests enthusiastically. “I’m here every Sunday to inspect them, depending on the weather. I’ll be doing it until the honey is ready to harvest and I’d love to have some assistance. You run through here often, right? It shouldn’t take up too much of your time.”
“No – I don’t – why would I –”
“Just observe for now, since you don’t have a suit. You’re pretty tall but I’m sure I can get one for you until next time, so please don’t worry about it!”
“Oi, don’t just decide –”
It’s impossible to get a protest or response in. The redhead pulls his hat on, gathers a handful of various tools from his backpack, and disappears in direction of the boxes before Kageyama can even find it in him to be annoyed. Instead he ends up watching in slowly growing fascination as the beekeeper moves through his routine, his hands deftly and carefully dismantling the hive piece by piece, all the while with bees swarming dizzily around him. Once he’s finished he makes his way back, takes his hat off, and smiles widely.
“What do you think?”
Kageyama doesn’t really think anything, to be honest. All he knows is that he’s had ample time to run away while this guy was busy with his work, he could’ve easily been halfway to his car by now – and yet he’s still standing here.
“That – that’s all there is to it?” he asks hesitantly.
“That’s all!”
“And you didn’t get stung or anything?”
“Of course not. I’m wearing this suit, see?” The young man throws his arms out as if to illustrate and then looks up at him, brown eyes shining expectantly.
“So? What do you say? You wanna learn more about bees?”
**
Beekeeping is definitely uncharted territory. Kageyama has to admit he doesn’t know the first thing about it. He’s never paid particular attention to bees or insects in general, and he can’t even say honey is a very big part of his diet. This is completely different and so unlike him – and maybe that’s exactly why he’s standing here in this clearing, a week later, sweating bullets in a suit that honestly makes him look a little ridiculous. It gives him another reason to not stay at home. It’s a welcome distraction.
The redheaded beekeeper, whose name is Hinata Shouyou, ushers him closer to the hive. He explains to him all the important steps of beekeeping while also talking about how he’s currently selling his homemade honey in his family’s store. Kageyama doesn’t say much; he has his hands and brain full just trying to keep up.
“We’ve got all sorts of healthy, organic food!” he tells him enthusiastically. “It’s just a short walk from Shinjuku station. You should stop by us some time!”
“Um… Sure…”
Kageyama balls his hands into fists, struggling to suppress the urge to swat at the bees incessantly buzzing around his head. Using a small device, Hinata has covered the space around them in a special smoke that’s supposed to calm the bees down and otherwise occupy them – but it’s not like it chases them away or puts them to sleep. They’re very much still there, alive and noisy.
“Kageyama, are you okay?”
“Yeah… I’m fine, it just feels a little –”
“– suffocating?” Hinata finishes for him. He nods in sympathy and pats him on the back. “You’ll get used to it.”
“So what do we look for if not honey?” Kageyama asks as Hinata methodically starts picking the hive apart, eventually revealing the frames on the inside.
“Eggs, larvae, parasites… Anything else out of the ordinary.”
He pulls one of the frames out of the box and holds it up against the sun, exposing the transparent cells underneath the large clusters of scuttling, frantic bees.
“I don’t get what’s so special about this one,” Kageyama admits.
“This is a brood frame,” Hinata explains. “You don’t see the eggs? They’re super small but they’re there. Most of the cells are actually occupied.”
Kageyama leans closer and squints through the mesh of his veil. At first he’s just looking everywhere without knowing what he’s searching for, his eyes trying to distinguish one unfamiliar element from the other, but soon some kind of pattern slowly emerges. He realizes there are small white dots embedded in the honeycomb, like the tiniest grains of rice.
“Those are eggs?” He wrinkles his nose. “Gross.”
“What are you, twelve?” Hinata laughs and nudges him in the arm. “You do the next frame, come on.”
“Me?” Kageyama hesitates nervously. “I don’t know…”
“I can do it for you if you’re scared.”
“Shut up,” he mutters, scowling. “I’m not scared.”
Trying to ignore the murmur surrounding his head, Kageyama carefully pries the next frame loose from the box and pulls it out, making sure he doesn’t crush any bees in the process. He holds it up, angling it towards the sun just like Hinata did, and then stares at it, his untrained eye seeing nothing but swarming insects. Then he pauses, tilts the frame a little closer to the light, and frowns.
“One bee is much larger than the rest… Is that normal?”
“Oh, you found the queen!” Hinata exclaims excitedly. “Well done, Kageyama!”
“The queen?”
“Yep! The queen is the mother of all the other bees here. They’d die for her and their hive, literally. Can you imagine that? Like, the last thing you ever do in your life is hurt someone by stinging them. It’s extreme but it’s the honeybee way, I guess.”
Kageyama stares at the queen, watching the worker bees crowd around her. Now that he truly knows her significance they really do look a lot like bodyguards. He’s fascinated, he’s learning something new and actually finding it interesting, but at the same time he’s kind of uncomfortable. It’s not because he doesn’t like insects, or because it’s claustrophobic and stifling inside his suit. It just seems somewhat familiar, all of this extreme behavior. Something heavy settles in his gut, something he can’t identify. Maybe he’s anxious or restless. Or maybe he’s just hungry.
“Wanna have lunch?” Hinata asks, as though he read his mind. “I brought onigiri.”
It’s a hot early autumn day without much breeze or any clouds at all, and they eventually settle on a mossy rock in the shade, at a safe distance from the beehive. Hinata uses the rock as a makeshift picnic table and lays out a small selection of store-bought onigiri as well as a bottle of iced tea.
“So where do you work?” he asks through a big mouthful of tuna and rice. “I don’t think I ever asked.”
“I’m a PE teacher. In high school.”
“In high school?” He nods to himself. “I can see that. It kinda fits you.”
“It fits me?” Kageyama repeats warily, frowning at him. “Why do you say that?”
Hinata shrugs. “It just fits. You look like someone teenagers will listen to.”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean exactly what you’re doing right now!” He laughs loudly and points at him. “Sometimes you’re wearing the most deadly glare for no good reason! I can easily imagine a bunch of teenagers doing laps for you just because they’re terrified.”
“I’m not glaring, you dumbass,” Kageyama murmurs. “It’s just my face, I can’t help it.”
Hinata hums in what sounds like agreement and helps himself to another tuna onigiri. “I said ‘sometimes’, though – every other time your face is actually really nice.”
Kageyama blushes in a way that even turns his neck and ears red, and he quickly gulps down his iced tea in an attempt to hide it. He immediately gets brain freeze and Hinata almost falls over from laughing too hard.
**
Over the next month, the beekeeping activity Kageyama was initially dragged into turns into a regular routine. He never thought he’d willingly head out to this clearing every single weekend, let alone help out what was once a complete stranger – and with bees of all things.
But he’s looking forward to it, every time. He finds himself thinking about it at work, actually feeling excited about it, and he stays behind much longer than usual just because he wastes so much time researching about beekeeping during regular work hours. As a result he’s seen even less of Hideki, which makes him feel equal parts guilty and relieved.
But Kageyama can’t help it. Hinata has become a much-needed break in his daily life, someone who distracts him and keeps him moving. It’s not a complicated thing, there’s no hidden agenda. He’s just thankful he’s able to spend time in someone else’s company, with an outsider of sorts – not Hideki, not his family, not his colleagues or his friends, but someone 100% unbiased, someone who can give him a change of pace. Someone who doesn’t know about nor has anything to do with his relationship.
Hinata is such a bright, positive, and lighthearted person. He’s comfortable to be around and his smile is infectious, despite being Kageyama’s complete opposite in every sense of the word. It makes him realize even more just how far he’s drifted away from his boyfriend. He sees things so clearly when he’s out here in the forest, within this suffocating suit, behind the mesh of his black veil. He’s sad that it has come to this, that a separate, secret hobby is what it takes for him to feel even a little bit happy.
“Are you okay?” Hinata asks and hands him his supermarket bento. “You’re even quieter than usual. Something on your mind?”
Kageyama snaps his chopsticks apart, hesitating. It would be weird and probably too forward confiding something so serious in a person he’s only known for a few weeks. Nobody does that, he’s sure. But Hinata is right there, his expression open, waiting, encouraging. He asked him first. And Kageyama is a reasonable adult with responsibilities. He offers helpful advice to worried students on a daily basis – about nutrition, about developing their skills, about university scholarships. Then isn’t it ridiculous, almost deceitful, that he copes so terribly with his own anxieties?
Just as he opens his mouth to speak his phone vibrates, interrupting him. He excuses himself, checks the message, and then nearly tumbles right off the rock he’s sitting on.
Hi, where are you? Please come home. We need to talk.
It’s Hideki.
Kageyama stares at the screen, his heart beating in his throat, the fist in his gut tightening. Words like these rarely bring along anything good and the message itself is curt, almost formal. They don’t text a lot but Hideki usually has a warm and funny way of phrasing things. This however sounds like a stranger.
“Kageyama–?” Hinata’s voice reaches him like a distant echo, reminding him where he actually is. “Is everything okay?”
He looks away from the screen and finds himself staring straight into Hinata’s brown eyes. The reflection in them is one of confusion and concern, his eyebrows pinched into a worried frown.
“I…” Kageyama clears his throat and looks away. “I have to go.”
“Why? What happened?”
“I – I don’t know. I just – I’m sorry but I really have to go.” He fumbles with his phone as he pockets it and gets up, a bit unsteady as he does so. “I, um, I’ll pay you back for lunch later, okay? See you.”
“What –? Hey, Kageyama – wait!”
His brain sort of disconnects at that point and he doesn’t stop to listen, only gathers his things and hurries away from there, ignoring Hinata calling after him. He runs to the parking lot as fast as he can, but once he’s in the car and on his way he drives much slower than he usually would. He even considers taking a couple of detours, just to buy time, but reluctantly decides against it. There’s one big band-aid covering the anxiety in his chest and it needs to be ripped right off as soon as possible or it’ll just bloom bigger and brighter.
He sprints through the parking house and paces impatiently back and forth in the elevator, but when he eventually reaches the apartment he still forgets to announce that he’s home. He therefore startles a little when he drops his keys into the bowl and looks up to find Hideki standing in the doorway. Seeing him like that suddenly brings back memories of their time spent together in university, where Kageyama would come back from cramming at the library and how Hideki, having graduated a year earlier, would always be home to welcome him. That’s five or something years ago. It can’t possibly be that long since the last time this sight met him, but right now Kageyama isn’t so sure.
“There you are,” Hideki says and smiles a little. “Did you get my message?”
Kageyama nods stiffly, short of breath, his mouth dry. “Did something happen?”
“I just want to talk, that’s all.”
“Okay…” he says slowly. “So… what’s up?”
“Let’s sit down first.”
Hideki reaches his hand out to him and smiles again, a small smile that is open and genuine enough but at the same time nowhere near his eyes. Kageyama cautiously takes his hand; it’s cold and they only stay loosely linked, as if he’s a child about to be led into his own home. He feels kind of stupid, a feeling that remains with how quickly Hideki lets go of his hand and how there’s a whole empty seat between them on the couch. Kageyama was never good at reading the room but this room in particular presents itself as clear enough, even for him. Just because he feels stupid doesn’t mean that he actually is.
“So how was your run?” Hideki asks as casually as he can, and the stiff attempt at small talk immediately sends a spark of irritation through Kageyama’s chest, hitting him right where his barely contained anxiety is.
“Damnit, just say it,” he snaps, unable to help himself. “Please. Whatever it is, just tell me.”
Hideki stares at him for a hesitant moment. For once the look in his eyes reveals a trace of worry, something that was startled to life by his small outburst. He’s not looking forward to this any more than Kageyama does. He’s anxiously stalling for time, too.
“Okay.” He nods, sits up, rests his hands on his knees. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry.” He sighs, pauses, and then nods again. “I think… I think maybe it’s best we end this.”
“End what?” Kageyama asks sharply, even though he knows very well. He knows exactly what he means.
“End what we have. This relationship.”
“So you’re saying you don’t wanna be in it anymore?”
Hideki takes a deep breath and exhales in a sigh so heavy and final that Kageyama’s heart drops. All anger and irritation trickles steadily out of him, leaving only that cold, tight fist in his gut. His partner has obviously been thinking about this very carefully. This isn’t something he came up with and decided ten minutes ago. He’s been considering this for god knows how long. And Kageyama has deliberately turned a blind eye to it.
“I just want the best for you; for us. And I think it’s time now. I would’ve fought for this relationship if I knew you were willing to do it, too. But I don’t know for sure if you are.”
“You can’t know for sure,” Kageyama mutters. He looks down at his hands, folded limply in his lap. “Because you’ve never asked. We’ve never talked.”
“That’s exactly it though, isn’t it?” Hideki tilts his head, tries to catch his eyes. “We literally never talk. We hardly even see each other at all. And neither of us have done anything about it. So maybe we’ve just reached a natural end at this point; a fade-out.”
“How can five years just ‘fade out’?”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t notice that we’re different now.”
Kageyama clenches his fists at that. The tension hurts, both literally and figuratively. Of course he’s noticed. There’s no point for him to even agree. He understands the state of their relationship just fine. Admitting that it’s lost is another thing entirely.
“I love you, though,” he says quietly. “Even if we grew apart, even if we never talk or see each other anymore – I love you.”
Saying those words is like trying to hold water. Once they’re out there, they’re gone – slipped through the cracks, fallen into pieces, left him empty-handed. Kageyama thinks all scents and surroundings seem unfamiliar to him already, as if it only took those words to change everything. Just one magical snap of the fingers and his life will be different from now on. It’s that painful but also that easy.
“It has to work both ways, Tobio.” Hideki reaches across the empty seat between them and squeezes his hand gently. “Keeping it like this isn’t fair to either of us.”
**
The apartment is Kageyama’s. The car is Hideki’s. It’s obvious that Hideki will be the one moving out. After that, dividing the rest of their things is simply a formality and his boxes disappear little by little, usually while Kageyama is at work. Each time he finds himself coming home to a little more space, a little more emptiness, and he constantly has to rearrange his furniture for everything to add up. In the end there’s a note from his landlord, telling him to come pick up the spare key if he needs it.
With that, an era of his life is over.
Above all, Kageyama is conflicted. Sure, he’s sad and even a little angry, but mostly he’s just disappointed. He’s disappointed in their inability to communicate and he’s disappointed in himself for running away from his problems. He never used to be the type to run away from anything. Finding himself finally standing still like this has made him realize he’ll have to face the rest of his twenties, maybe even the rest of his life, alone. He used to think he was lucky to have already settled so well – a job he enjoys, a place to live, his economy more or less in order, and a partner for life. Now he has to start all over again, from square one, and it’s frightening. There is nothing in front of him. It feels like he’s been dug up and replanted in unfamiliar soil, and he’s not sure if he has it in him to try again. Maybe he’s just better off this way, on his own.
Kageyama stares absently into the air on his commute from work, swaying with the movements of the train. The woman next to him is unsteady on her feet and keeps bumping into his shoulder, but he wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t muttered an embarrassed apology every time. His brain has been muddled and foggy all day, and he doesn’t register much at all until the speakers crackle to life and the announcement echoes through the coach. One word sticks with him, catching his blank thoughts and his attention.
Shinjuku.
Shinjuku station is up next but what was so special about it? Kageyama could’ve sworn there was something about this place he learned just recently… He frowns at his own reflection in the window, waiting for the wheels in his mind to start turning – and a light suddenly flickers to life in the back of his head, fragments of a conversation floating up to breach the surface of his memory.
We’ve got all sorts of healthy, organic food! It’s just a short walk from Shinjuku station. You should stop by us some time!
Kageyama’s gut lurches with guilt. The last time he saw Hinata was at the beehive, on the day he got the text that changed his everything. He hasn’t gone back there to see him since then. They never even exchanged phone numbers because they didn’t feel it was necessary. To meet every Sunday at noon unless it’s raining is hard to get wrong. Besides, the whole beekeeping thing wasn’t supposed to be a huge commitment or anything. It was a hobby just like any other.
He considers his options as the train comes to a slow halt. He does feel pretty bad for ditching Hinata for so long, especially after leaving so abruptly without any explanation. It was also obvious that he’d received bad news, which in turn probably made him worry unnecessarily. He owes him money for lunch, too. He watches as a big group of passengers steps out on the platform, before he makes up his mind last minute and quickly slips through the doors.
Kageyama shoulders his bag and follows the stream until he’s made it out of the station. Once he’s on the street however he slows down, a little bewildered. He doesn’t know his way around this part of town nearly well enough to know where Hinata’s store could possibly be located. He had told him it was only a short walk from the station, without mentioning in what direction or specifying how short a ‘short walk’ really is. He realizes, a little annoyed and defeated, that he has no choice but to ask around.
One of the clerks in a beauty shop close by reveals there are in fact several health stores in the area, all of them within reasonable walking distance. She helps Kageyama find the closest one on his phone and from there it’s just a matter of following the map.
Said store is not the right one, though. There’s no Hinata Shouyou working there but they do sell their own brand of honey, and after Kageyama has declined their offer several times he’s kindly pointed in direction of another health store elsewhere. In the end he’s visited four of these stores and probably walked for more than half an hour with no luck. Either Hinata’s store doesn’t exist or Kageyama somehow misunderstood him and is now searching for the wrong thing.
He heads towards the fifth store feeling considerably dejected and tired, but when he reaches it he thinks he might finally be onto something. The store itself is small and inconspicuous in many ways, crammed in between two larger shops, but at a second glance it looks open and inviting. Right at the entrance there’s a tall display of small glass jars next to a cute chalkboard sign that says ‘fresh & organic summer honey’. There’s a drawing of a bee circled by a bright yellow sun on the label, and the honey itself is a deep, almost rusty golden color.
A tiny bell tinkles above Kageyama’s head when he steps inside. The interior is warmly lit and surprisingly bigger than what it seemed from the outside. Save for a couple of customers and the muted tune of a generic pop song, the place is quiet and empty. He glances around. It’s obviously well-stocked on products, with crates of fruits and berries, big bundles of vegetables, and dispensers filled with a wide selection of nuts. He’s also surrounded by a distinct scent of ginger, cinnamon, and… cloves? Or maybe it’s licorice. Kageyama isn’t sure but either way it smells real good.
He’s studying a shelf stacked high with various teas when a sudden commotion erupts behind him, a surprised outburst and a loud clatter, followed by something heavy falling to the floor. When he turns around he finds Hinata staring at him, wide-eyed and empty-handed, an overturned box of apples at his feet.
“Kageyama –?”
“Shit, I’m sorry –” Kageyama picks up an apple that has rolled his way. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“I –” Hinata stops, eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What’re you doing here? Can I… help you with anything?”
“Um, no – I was just in the area, really…”
“Really?”
“Well… okay, not really,” Kageyama admits awkwardly. “Truth is, I asked around for your store – which is not a short walk from the station, by the way.” He reaches into his bag for his wallet and pulls out a couple thousand yen. “Here. I just wanted to pay you back for lunch last time. I said I would.”
“Oh –!” Hinata shakes his head and gently pushes his hands and money away, flustered. “Please don’t mind that! Just leave lunch on me, it’s okay!”
“O-oh. Okay.”
Kageyama doesn’t know how he’s supposed to continue the conversation. He is very obviously not here just because of this, and he’s absolutely certain Hinata can tell. It’s a big jump to go from lunch money to explaining his radio silence, and no matter how much he keeps rephrasing his apology it ends up sounding like an afterthought. Hinata deserves better than that. And he knows he can do much better than that, too – but he isn’t given a chance to think it over.
“I wondered what happened to you,” Hinata says, cutting straight to the point. “You missed out on the honey harvest and everything. That was kinda the grand finale.”
“I know. I’m sorry about that.” Kageyama looks down at his feet, which are still surrounded by fresh, red apples. “Just… a lot of things came up.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He nods stiffly. “Thanks.”
Hinata hesitates for a moment, thinking something over. Then he motions for him to stay put and disappears into the back of the store. When he returns he’s holding a jar of honey, which he nudges into Kageyama’s hands.
“Here you go,” he says. “These are the fruits of your labor, too. You helped me out a lot after all.”
“How much –?”
“No, no – take it,” Hinata interrupts him. “I want you to have it.”
Kageyama turns the jar over in his hands, a bit blindsided by this gesture. “I couldn’t possibly –”
“Please,” Hinata insists, his cheeks blossoming into an embarrassed pink. “Just consider it a gift.”
The golden jar twinkles under the warm lights, the floor is a red sea of apples, and only now does Kageyama realize that the muffled pop music in the background has stopped. The bell above the door has also been silent for a while and his heart is suddenly pounding loudly inside his head.
“Then… at least let me buy you coffee,” he suggests, before he can reconsider it. “I mean, you wouldn’t let me pay for lunch and now you’re giving me this… I’m just gonna end up feeling bad about it. So – would you like to have coffee with me someday?”
Almost immediately, Hinata’s face breaks into the widest, brightest smile. “I’d like that very much.”
**
It’s like he’s about to head out to the forest again. Even though he’s not wearing his running clothes, and even though he’s on the train instead of in a car, and even though he’s going into the city instead of out, Kageyama feels like he’s getting ready to see Hinata at the beehive. The moment they meet up outside Hinata’s store instead is the moment it starts to feel different. Maybe it’s not so much the location as it is the company that’s making him feel this way. Without the forest and the suits and the bees this is more or less a date, and realizing that makes Kageyama somewhat nervous. He didn’t really think much about it when he asked; he just wanted them to be even.
The coffee shop isn’t anything special but it’s quite full for the weekend, and they agree it’s best to order coffee to go. Hinata almost beats Kageyama to it when it comes to paying and they argue a little over whose treat it’s actually supposed to be. In the end Kageyama takes advantage of his height and elbows him out of the way. Somehow their petty bickering helps loosen up the tension and when they eventually leave with their coffees the mood seems much less formal and more relaxed.
“I tasted the honey, by the way,” Kageyama says as they settle on a bench in a nearby park. “It really is very good.”
Hinata lights up. “I know, right? It’s our best batch yet, honestly. I’m so happy I decided to put the hive where I did because the foraging spots are so many and varied out there. It’s been popular with our customers, too!” he adds excitedly. “I can put some aside for you, should you ever need a refill.”
“No, I’ll pay for them like any regular customer would, don’t worry about it,” Kageyama assures him. “They’d make great Christmas presents, though. Especially for my Mom.”
“They make great presents for everyone,” Hinata agrees. “Plus, if you store it correctly honey literally never expires so it’s perfect, really. I’ll give you a discount if you buy a batch. Gift a jar to your grandparents and your friends. Your girlfriend, too.”
“Well, actually –” Kageyama quickly shakes his head, interrupting him. “That’s – um – I don’t really have –”
“You don’t have a girlfriend?” Hinata asks incredulously. “Seriously?”
“No, I mean –” Kageyama’s face grows warm and he suddenly regrets ordering coffee and not iced tea. “You were right, it just wasn’t – you know – a girlfriend.”
“Oh…” Hinata says slowly, his face blank for a few long seconds, before his eyes widen with dawning realization. “Oh!” He splutters, his complexion turning bright red. “I kinda just assumed – I’m sorry. I should’ve said partner or something instead.”
“It’s fine. We’re not a thing anymore anyway, it doesn’t matter.”
Hinata sinks in on himself, clearly still embarrassed. “Sorry about that.”
Kageyama hesitates, biting his lip. So far he’s only told his parents about the breakup, mostly because he felt they had the right to know. He wouldn’t call that confiding in someone. Besides, it was easier to tell them not to worry instead of sharing his disappointment. Hinata is different, though. Kageyama would consider him a friend, and ever since they met he’s been so easy to talk to. He’s sometimes pretty annoying and he hardly ever shuts up, but at the same time he’s funny, expressive, and open. Somehow there’s an attractive big brother-aura to him, and it’s very evident for someone like Kageyama who rarely opens up to anyone. And maybe he should, for once.
“We broke up recently,” he mutters. “After five years. He moved out and a few things had to be arranged, so… that’s the real reason why I never went back to the beehive.”
Hinata, and even the entire park, have fallen unusually quiet. For a moment he only looks at him, giving room for his words to sink in.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “Really. I’m so sorry to hear it.”
The gentle tone in his voice makes Kageyama wish he could take everything back. Receiving genuine sympathy hurts more than he thought it would.
“I shouldn’t have shared that,” he says and clears his throat, cheeks red. “I’m fine, please forget it.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Hinata snorts. “You shouldn’t feel bad for sharing your problems. I’m sure a breakup like that changes things; it’s not something you can forget that easily. I’ll ask you again, then. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know…” Kageyama picks on the lid of his now lukewarm coffee, gives his emotions a second thought, and then shrugs. “I just… I thought there’d be this huge blowout if we ever broke up. I knew we hadn’t been doing that great lately but I don’t understand how it became like that. Maybe it would’ve made more sense if we fought a lot, or if he did me wrong in some way. But it was nothing like that, not at all. Everything is just empty and wasted.”
Hinata nods thoughtfully. “You know, my Dad always says that just because you don’t think a bee sting is painful doesn’t mean you haven’t been stung. It still happened, you still end up with a wound. Sometimes the pain even comes later. So just because you feel empty and disappointed right now doesn’t mean you’re not hurt.”
Something in Kageyama’s chest literally stings at those words. It sounds so simple, yet so true, and now he’s even more embarrassed at being shown such sincere sympathy and comfort. More than anything, he’s touched. Hinata is a good person, so good it’s making him teary-eyed. He quickly coughs to stop himself from getting too emotional and smirks.
“Where the hell did that come from? Maybe you’re not as stupid as you look.”
“Hey!” Hinata pipes up, indignant. “I’m trying to make you feel better here! If it’s like that then I don’t wanna see you anymore.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Okay, fine.” He attempts an angry pout, which would’ve been convincing hadn’t it been for the one twitching corner of his mouth. “But coffee is always on you, just so you know.”
**
Over the next few months Kageyama ends up buying many coffees for the two of them. They celebrate Kageyama’s birthday, hang out during the Christmas holidays, and at the start of January Hinata even manages to drag him along to the first shrine visit of the year.
Kageyama always says yes to him because he sincerely enjoys Hinata’s company. He’s having fun and they click on a level that makes it worth maintaining a friendship. Maybe that’s also why he’s holding back a little.
The contrast between his mood now and how his previous relationship made him feel is so big that he has a hard time believing it. He’s never had to emotionally move on before, he’s not sure how he’s supposed to deal with this stage of the process, but every time he thinks about it he feels kind of guilty. He feels guilty towards Hideki for already forgetting about him, he feels guilty towards Hinata for making him his source of happiness, and more than anything he feels guilty towards himself. So many could-have-beens become clear to him every time they’re together and Kageyama wonders if that’s even normal. It’s like he owes his past relationship something, although he has no idea what. More grief maybe? More reflection? More time?
Time heals, isn’t that what they say? So maybe he should spend more time, on whatever, for however long it takes. He doesn’t really know. He can’t tell. But he doesn’t want to drag Hinata into something that in the end could be misinterpreted. He doesn’t want to appear insincere or inconsiderate. He’s not looking for a rebound.
“What’d you wish for?” Hinata asks as they make their way back from the temple.
“Health and happiness and whatnot. The usual.” Kageyama shrugs. “And you?”
Hinata touches his lips and grins. “That’s a secret.”
“Oh, come on! Seriously?”
“I had to literally drag you here, don’t tell me you’re interested for real.”
“Fine,” Kageyama glares. “Keep your wishes to yourself, then.”
“Oh, I intend to,” Hinata says easily. He skips down the rest of the stone steps, weaving his way through the stream of people, and then stops to wait at the bottom, winking at Kageyama over his shoulder. “Thanks for coming with me, though!”
“I’m just here because you said we’d eat afterwards,” Kageyama mutters, and hides half his face in his scarf to hide the fact that he’s blushing. “But, um… Thanks to you too, I guess.”
Hinata frowns. “For what?”
Yes – for what? Kageyama has no idea why he said it. For a passing moment it felt like his heart was about to literally burst with warm, sparkly, happy feelings, and then the words kind of just tumbled out of him before he realized – but he can’t tell Hinata that. It’s not like he’s about to confess to him or anything. That’s not what he wants.
“For, um…” His mind goes stubbornly empty, making him panic a little, and so he grabs onto the first thing he can think of. “For the honey! Thanks… for the honey.”
“You’ve already thanked me for the honey. Repeatedly.”
“Yeah, but honey is good for your health, right? For blood pressure and cholesterol levels and anxiety and the like. You said it yourself.”
For a split-second Kageyama could’ve sworn that something in Hinata’s expression looked deeply hurt and disappointed. But in the next moment it’s gone within the blink of an eye, erased by a wide grin, making him wonder if he just imagined the whole thing.
“Well, you definitely seem to be doing better,” Hinata smiles and turns away. “Let me know if you need a new jar.”
**
Kageyama is doing better. A lot better.
Which is why he never in a lifetime expected Hideki to show up outside his door, unannounced, at the four-month mark of their breakup.
“Hi, Tobio,” he says casually, as if he never left, as if he’s just coming home, and Kageyama’s heart nearly stops.
“What... are you doing here?”
“I kinda forgot to pack one of my books,” Hideki explains, rubbing his neck sheepishly. “I’ve looked everywhere but I can’t find it, so it’s gotta be here. You know the big one, on architecture?”
Kageyama does know the one. He saw it sitting on the bookshelf, sticking out like a sore thumb among all his books on nutrition and physical education, and one of the first things he did after Hideki moved out was to take it down. He hid it under the coffee table, tucking it out of sight under some old newspapers, and that was it. He thought it was just left behind, that it didn’t matter much.
“I’ll get it for you,” he murmurs, avoiding eye contact. “Come in.”
Kageyama tries to be as efficient as possible, locates the stupid book, and hurries back to Hideki, who’s waiting in the entryway.
“Why would you come back for this now?” he asks as he hands it to him.
“Huh?”
“Just… it’s been months. It’s not like you need it for anything. It was a gift from your colleagues and you didn’t even like it that much, if I recall correctly. So why bother with it?”
Hideki blinks at him, taken aback. After all these years he’s used to Kageyama being blunt and honest, sometimes unintentionally harsh, but the look on his face reveals he didn’t expect this response at all. He turns the book over in his hands and sighs quietly.
“You’re observant, as always,” he says and smiles apologetically. “Okay, you’re right. I don’t really care about it.”
“So?”
“So – I’ve been thinking about you lately,” Hideki admits. “I was thinking that maybe… maybe we just needed some time apart? I know this is sudden but I’m sure some things can be –”
He sounds sad when he says it, almost desperate, and the words go straight for Kageyama’s gut. He hates it so much. Maybe that’s why he reacts the way he does. He reaches out and grabs him by the shoulders, to startle him, to make him shut up. And then he bows, looking down at their feet because he can’t bring himself to look him in the eyes.
“Don’t do this,” Kageyama says, struggling not to choke up. “Don’t show up here now and tell me you’ve changed your mind – not after you said a relationship has to work both ways, not after you said we’re different now, and not after you tried to say I wasn’t willing to fight for it. You don’t get to take that back. It’s not that simple.”
It’s quiet for a long time. Kageyama can only hear his own hollow breath, his own trembling heartbeat, and he has no idea what expression Hideki is wearing. He doesn’t want to know. In the end, after what seems like hours, Hideki finally takes a step back, out of his grip, while Kageyama remains in that half bow, just staring at the floor.
“I understand,” he says softly. “You’re right, Tobio, it’s not that simple. But I figured it was worth a shot.”
“I’m sorry,” Kageyama whispers, “but please leave.”
There’s the sound of the door clicking shut and Kageyama exhales shakily, like he’s been holding his breath all this time. He leans his head against the door and closes his eyes. For some reason this encounter hurt so much more than the actual breakup. It made it so obvious that they’re over. Maybe their relationship was the queen bee they failed to protect. Or maybe their relationship was the bee that stung him, which means it had to die.
Sometimes the last thing somebody does is hurt you. Sometimes you feel the pain later.
Kageyama walks into the kitchen and sits down at the table, feeling strange and numb. He had wanted to work on his education plan tonight but he doubts he can do it now. He sighs, stares into the quiet space, and spots the honey jar that Hinata gave to him last year. It’s not a big jar, hardly even medium-sized, but it has lasted a surprisingly long time. Granted, he doesn’t use honey that often but he’s had it for months and it’s only half-empty. He should consider buying a fresh one soon.
Hinata said it didn’t matter, though. Honey doesn’t have an expiration date. In a sense it’s always available, something that makes his mood better, something that is good for him.
In one moment he’s just sitting there with a blank, open-mouthed expression; in the next it’s like everything in his brain and heart finally aligns, clicking into place, and he literally reaches up and smacks his forehead.
“You’re such a fool,” Kageyama mutters to himself. “The biggest idiot.”
He glances at his watch. It’s getting late but if he runs for it he might make it there before the trains stop running for the night.
**
He reaches Hinata’s store just as he’s locking up and pulling the shutters down. He startles when he hears Kageyama calling his name, his eyes growing wide and his mouth falling open when he recognizes the person running down the street.
“Kageyama!” he exclaims, surprised. “What’re you doing here? What’s the matter?”
“Honey,” Kageyama manages, completely out of breath.
“What?”
“I would like… another jar of honey.”
Hinata’s expression is torn between amusement and worry, and he stares at him as though he’s an alien who just fell from the sky and landed at his feet.
“Seriously, are you okay?”
“I like you,” Kageyama blurts out. “I’m in love with you. I really needed you to know that. So... I’d like another jar of honey.”
A second or two of shocked silence passes, their surroundings moving in muted slow motion, and Hinata’s face takes on an impressive shade of crimson.
“This – this confession couldn’t wait?”
“I have waited.” Kageyama laughs breathlessly, truly realizing how ridiculous he’s been. “I was only waiting for myself and I’m over it. I’ve waited enough. Time doesn’t heal anything half as amazingly as you have and I’ve been such a –”
He doesn’t get to finish the sentence before Hinata has taken a step closer and locked him in a hug, squeezing him so tightly it almost hurts.
“Finally,” he mutters into his jacket. “This may seem forward of me but I don’t care. Finally. I’ve waited for you too, you idiot. I even wished for this, at the shrine. I wished for this but I was prepared to keep it to myself because you were in such a vulnerable place. I was afraid I’d risk hurting you even more. If it wasn’t for that I would’ve already told it to your face.”
He looks up, his smile shining brighter than all the stars in the sky, despite his glowing cheeks and teary eyes.
“I’ve fallen in love with you, too.”
Kageyama stumbles when Hinata yanks him closer by the collar of his jacket. He steadies one hand against the wall, grabs Hinata’s waist tightly with the other, and lets their lips meet at last, warm and soft in the chilly winter evening. When Hinata pulls away he cups his face in his hands, keeping him there at eye level, and he’s suddenly staring him down with such fierce determination that Kageyama nearly steps back.
“It’s okay to take your time when you’ve been hurt,” he says firmly. “Even if you never reached this point I would’ve been here for you anyway, I wouldn’t think any less of you. But it’s also okay to move on! It doesn’t matter if you’ve been stung, you still owe it to yourself to be happy again! Got it?”
Kageyama nods, in awe of Hinata’s honesty and ashamed by his own stupidity. “Got it.”
“And I knew you’d eventually need this.” Hinata reaches into his backpack and pulls out a new jar of honey, leaving it in Kageyama’s hands.
“How much?”
“It’s on me.”
Kageyama grins. “Then let me at least invite you on a cup of coffee.”
**
Not a lot has changed in Kageyama’s apartment since Hinata moved in, at least not at first glance. There are still two toothbrushes, two sets of slippers, various laundry mixed together. But there are also sunflowers in the window, new citrusy soaps in the shower, and a fresh supply of homemade honey on the kitchen shelf. The place is bright and alive, even when nobody’s home.
“Is it okay if I bring a new jar to work?” Kageyama asks as he walks into the kitchen, buttoning his shirt up.
Hinata looks up from the morning paper. “Already?”
“Yeah – everyone in the teacher’s office are crazy about it, ever since I brought the first one. Even my students and their parents have inquired about it. Your honey’s really popular, you know. You’re gonna have to accept orders soon.”
“No problem, we’ll just expand the hive,” Hinata smiles. “Oh, what do you wanna do for dinner, by the way?”
“Curry.”
“You’re so simple.”
“Why? Curry’s amazing.”
“I’ll go grocery shopping later, then,” he says, already reaching for pen and paper to write down a list. “I finish at lunch today.”
Kageyama grabs his bag and his jacket and moves to the kitchen table, tilting his fiancé’s chin up so he can kiss him.
“Aren’t you lucky,” he murmurs against his lips.
“Have a nice day,” Hinata grins and pats his cheek gently. “I’ll be here when you get home.”
“Of course, dumbass.” Kageyama kisses him again and then pulls him into a close hug, wondering if Hinata can hear how loudly his heart is beating from sheer joy and happiness alone.
“I know you will.”