Work Text:
Being a freelance artist was a Monday to Sunday kind of job, Hoseok was more than aware of that when he graduated with a degree in art and media and decided to pursue his career outside of a company. The first year or so were the hardest; he’d continued working his minimum wage job from college, picking up as many hours as he could, and then the time left spare was used to work on the few jobs he’d managed to snag. Slowly but surely however, the commissions and jobs started to increase in pay and frequency as his personal brand started to build and Hoseok no longer had to pick up so many part-time hours at the supermarket he’d worked tirelessly in for 5 years now.
About 15 months after he graduated, Hoseok was finally able to quit the supermarket job to focus on his art. His rent was halved now that Taehyung had moved into his little one bed apartment, and his name was well known enough that he had a steady flow of people commissioning him. Hoseok couldn’t believe how it had all worked out – he was living his dream. Taehyung would always remind Hoseok he had worked so hard for so long that this was exactly what he deserved but to Hoseok, it still all seemed almost too good to be true. A nice enough apartment with his gorgeous photographer boyfriend in Seoul, and an art career that was taking off in the right direction.
It was all so perfect that Hoseok couldn’t help but wonder when something was going to fall through and wreck everything he’d built up. The anxious thoughts were hard to keep at bay especially as the commissions he was working on started to increase in difficulty. Long gone were the days of drawing logos for small start-ups, and although Hoseok adored getting to really put his skills to good use, he was worried the commissioners wouldn’t be satisfied with his work. So once again, he was left to work tirelessly. Hoseok couldn’t help but get absorbed into his work, when he was drawing away on his tablet all that was really in his head was how badly he wanted this to come out well and how the faster he got it done meant he’d have more time to get more of his queued projects done.
Today was one of those days where Hoseok was totally absorbed in his work. He’d gotten up before Taehyung, lazily putting on a pot of coffee to brew and getting himself freshened up for the day – even though he had no plans to leave his little office in the apartment. With a fresh cup of coffee in hand, Hoseok sat down at his desk and booted up his computer and tablet and stretched out his fingers, wrists and arms a bit. The cup of coffee was soon drained, and Hoseok’s mind was focused on his latest commission – some character designs for an indie game company. The world outside of of his desk was very quickly forgotten as the artist worked. Vaguely, Hoseok remembers Taehyung pressing a kiss to the crown of his head and whispering a soft goodbye into his hair before leaving for work, but the the apartment is quiet again for the rest of the day.
Barely noticing the change in lighting in the room from a grey overcast to the dark of the evening, Hoseok works on. The artist doesn’t even think to stop; not even as his stomach growls for a missed breakfast and lunch, and the dull throb grows behind his eyes from staring at the bright blue light of the tablet screen. All that is in his mind is getting the designs beneath his pen absolutely perfect. Striving for perfection is what’s gotten him so far after all and although a break doesn’t even come to mind, Hoseok never can make himself take a step away when he’s working anyway – a break means the work will take longer and the customer may potentially never come back, or worse review him as a shoddy artist and ruin other commissioner’s opinions of him. These are the thoughts that cross his mind now and then as he draws, his shoulders bunching up and a tense ball of anxiety squirming deep in his stomach at the idea of losing all that he’s worked for. Someday he’ll be able to pick and choose what he does but he’s not there yet.
When Taehyung arrives home, the apartment is dark and eerily quiet. Some hope springs in the photographer’s chest at the possibility that maybe Hoseok has gone out for once. The past few weeks since Hoseok was able to quit his job have been strenuous on the artist and although Taehyung understands you’ve got to take work when it comes as a freelancer, he still worries about the other man. It was almost too common for Taehyung to ring Hoseok in the afternoon and ask him how his day was going only for the artist to exclaim that he didn’t realise how late it was. Today he hadn’t a moment to ring Hoseok, so the photographer was glad to see the artist had gone out and about without prompting and prodding. Taehyung made his way to their bedroom then, pulling out his phone to give Hoseok a quick text to ask when he’d be home when he noticed there was a faint bluish light coming from underneath the door of Hoseok’s studio. Taehyung’s stomach dropped when the sound of Hoseok’s phone pinging with a notification came from inside the room. Opening the door, Taehyung was met with the sight of a hunched figure in a dark room. Walking closer, the photographer could see the tired silhouette of his boyfriend illuminated by the light of his tablet and monitor. The artist’s hand drew line after line and the headphones over his ears explained why the text noise hadn’t even startled the usually jumpy man. Taehyung couldn’t help but sigh at the sight – he should have known.
Tapping the artist’s shoulder, Taehyung watched as Hoseok nearly lept out of his own skin at the sudden touch. Swivelling around and ripping the headphones from his head, Hoseok blinked owlishly up at Taehyung, eyes wide and glassy from staring at a screen in the dark – Taehyung’s brain hurt just from imagining how long Hoseok had been like that.
“Jesus Tae! Why did you scare me like that, you know I hate scares!” Hoseok scolded, mouth forming an upside-down ‘v’ in indignation. Taehyung couldn’t help but scoff at that.
“If I didn’t tap you, you’d literally never have stopped working Hoseok. How long have you been at your desk? It’s obviously since before it got dark since there’s no lights on.” A guilty looking expression crossed Hoseok’s face then as he glanced at his phone to check the time. As Taehyung scanned the table, he noticed the coffee cup from this morning in literally the exact same position and felt worry fill him at the realisation that Hoseok had literally been like this since before Taehyung even woke up this morning. “You do realise you’re going to kill yourself if you keep going like this, right Hoseok? I can’t deal with knowing that if I don’t ring you or come home and shake you out of your work then you literally will not eat, drink or fucking rest? I get that freelancing takes a lot of dedication, but this is taking the piss!” Hot anger seared the edges of Taehyung’s words and he couldn’t hold back the rant any longer, he was so scared for his boyfriend’s well-being.
When Taehyung looks at Hoseok again, the man seemed to have shrunk in on himself at the photographer’s outburst and Taehyung can’t help but feel guilty – Hoseok wasn’t doing any of this on purpose after all, it was how his anxiety manifested and they both knew that all too well from the years they’d spent together first as friends and then as lovers. When Hoseok looks up at him, his eyes are shiny with tears and he looks absolutely exhausted. Taehyung works on instinct at the sight and scoops the smaller man right into his arms, carrying him out to the living room – with a little bit of a struggle – and sitting himself down with the artist on top of him. One of Taehyung’s arms circles Hoseok’s waist when he clings to the photographer, head buried into the crook of his neck, and his other hand is quick to reach up and brush his fingers through the artist’s soft hair. They stay like that for a long time, Taehyung petting Hoseok’s hair as the other’s breathing slows and calms from the quiet gasps that come with tears to the usual silence of a worn out Hoseok. Eventually Taehyung speaks again.
“I’m sorry for getting mad at you baby, I know you’re just worried about relying on freelancing as your only source of income. I’m just worried that you’re going to work yourself into the ground, and I really just want you to be okay,” Taehyung’s voice is soft as he speaks, and Hoseok can feel the way his chest vibrates with each word where his cheek is pressed to the soft cotton of Taehyung’s shirt. Another few moments pass before Hoseok makes a noise.
“I’m not upset because of what you said Taehyungie. I’m upset because you’re right and I just hadn’t let the reality of h-how-“ Hoseok’s voice catches on the words as his chest tightens with anxiety from speaking his thoughts aloud. “stressed and worried I am that is all gonna fall through at any moment and I’m going to be left with nothing but the few measly pennies I’ve saved so far.” The artist took a deep heaving breath, his whole body shuddering where he lay on top of his boyfriend. “I feel like I won’t deserve the success I’m getting if I take a break. I feel- I feel like I barely deserve it as it is. I can’t stop working because if I do then everything will build up and I’ll have to turn work down and then what if I don’t get more after turning that stuff down? I just can’t take the risk.”
Taehyung listened patiently as Hoseok let everything out at last. He understood Hoseok’s worries truthfully and although he didn’t have to stress over that kind of stuff thanks to having a position as a company photographer for a moderate sized magazine, that didn’t mean he hadn’t considered freelancing and what that would mean. Hoseok’s anxiety definitely was catastrophising by concocting the worst case scenario however and Taehyung knew Hoseok needed some reassurance and care to get back to thinking about his career without the cloud of anxiety.
“I understand all these worries, Hoseok, but we both know those are the worst-case scenarios. You taking time to step away from your desk for a walk or some lunch is only going to make you better at what you’re doing. Working like you’re doing now isn’t good for you and it won’t be good for your art in the long run because it’s starting to affect your health…” Taehyung trailed off then, an idea coming to mind. “How about we get your favourite food tonight, have a nice hot bath and then head to bed for a good cuddle, huh?”
“That sounds like heaven to be honest,” Hoseok’s voice sounded watery again, but he finally looked up at Taehyung then and god Taehyung loved the man in his arms so much it physically hurt. He wanted nothing more than to make every bad thought leave Hoseok’s head, he wished he could make it all disappear.
When the food was ordered and Hoseok was cuddled up on the sofa in his favourite blanket with some feel-good show playing on the tv, Taehyung made his way back to the couch with a steaming cup of peppermint tea in his hands.
“Peppermint tea, just the way you like it, Hoseokie.” The photographer smiled his boxy smile as Hoseok’s face flushed and his eyes grew impossibly softer.
“I love you so much Taehyungie, I am the luckiest man in the world.” Hoseok’s voice was so filled with love that Taehyung could feel his ears grow hot. Sitting down on the sofa beside the artist and wrapping an arm around his shoulders, Taehyung pressed turned and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s mouth.
“Nah baby, that’s me – I don’t know how I got so lucky to snag the prettiest boy on campus as my best friend and my boyfriend.” Hoseok chuckled and swat at Taehyung playfully muttering about how cheesy the photographer was.
As Hoseok sipped on his cup of peppermint tea, he leaned his head against Taehyung’s shoulder and for the first time in what felt like years, he exhaled and left his shoulders relax. It’d all be okay; he deserved this and taking a break to care for himself wasn’t going to do anything but make him even better than before.