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An appointment. ‘Like a doctor’s visit.’ Yeah. Well, maybe.
“Hey. You want to come on in?”
Jonas holds his breath for a second, standing from the waiting room to follow the man inside. The guy is in his early 30s, brown hair with a bit of gray starting in, just barely this side of messy, with glasses that look like he should be drinking craft brews at some gastropub in Portland. Duke. That’s a name, alright.
“Nice to finally meet in person.”
Jonas just nods. He’s not great at speaking to new people. Took him a couple weeks to start talking in intake. But he has kinda met Duke before. A pretty long phone interview, not to mention emails. They wanted to find a good therapist, and Camena had options. He’d settled on Duke.
“It’s nice to have all the paperwork out of the way already. Kind of a waste of session time, really.”
Jonas’s brows raise as he tips his head in acknowledgment and agreement.
Duke has a leg crossed over the other, and Jonas realizes, in retrospect, that the guy is actually his height. Maybe an inch shorter, but pretty damn close.
“How tall are you?” They’re the first words out of Jonas’s mouth, but they do their part.
“Six three. On a good day, anyway.”
“Nice.”
“Shoe size?”
“13.”
Duke winces audibly. “Damn, you beat me. 12 and a half.”
Jonas smirks a bit. And the ice is broken.
“You came from school?”
Jonas’s eyes wander to the side table between his chair and the unoccupied couch. He reaches for some kind of adjustable wire toy, turning it inside out and flipping it into different shapes. “Yup.”
“What’s your electives?” It’s a better question than ‘how was your day,’ at least. Duke’s foot is bouncing idly, as well.
“Gym and weight training; shop.”
“At CHS, right? Wilkinson still teaching wood shop?”
Wilkinson? “Yeah, I think that’s his name. Old guy, wears a lanyard with a whistle on it even though I don’t think he does any sports stuff?”
“Yep. He’s not too bad. Get him talking about baseball, that’s a thing. Does he still have that slugger in the workshop?”
“I… don’t know?”
“He’s got two, actually, I think. Louisville Slugger wooden bats, one official and one he made. If he still has it. I heard one year some kids stole it for a prank.”
“Kinda a dick move, the guy’s gotta be at least 70.”
“Yeah. Kids can be idiots. Present company excluded, of course.”
“Technically an adult, and I’d agree regardless.”
“When we talked before, you sounded kinda meh on the Individual Studies thing. How’s that looking?”
“It’s…” Jonas pulls a face. “Still meh on it. Some of the other kids are… ehh. Remind me of guys from North Valley, thinking they’re the shit. And the teachers - or whatever they’re called, aides? They’re a mixed bag. This one girl - woman, I guess - she seems pretty cool. Darcy. Good attitude, even if she seemed kinda fake at first.”
“I’m not sure I totally get what the course is, to be honest.”
“I mean, I’ve got three periods of it, it gets old fast. Though— I mean I guess they’re not all the same. First period for me seems more like… learning skills?” Jonas winces. “I dunno, it’s kinda cringey sometimes. And then third is gonna be assessment stuff— kinda miserable, just packets of standardized test questions and shit like that. Last period is chill though. Basically like a study hall for me, working on the stuff from the tests. And I’ve been getting out a little early, so I can-” He stops.
Duke waits a second for him to continue, and when he doesn’t, he lifts his chin from looking at the pad of paper in his lap (where Jonas can see little geometrical doodles as well as his illegible scrawl of whatever he’s noting). “A reminder; mandatory reporting doesn’t include stuff like truancy, just plans to harm yourself or others. And I consider ‘plans’ to actually mean plans.”
“So… there’s this girl, right?”
“A friend?”
Jonas hesitates. “Yyeahhh…”
“Or… sounds like maybe not just a friend?”
He shakes his head, “No, definitely just a friend, just… kinda insane.”
“Fun fact; ‘insane’ is really a legal term.”
Jonas rolls his eyes. “Kinda wild, then. Her and this other guy, too. They kinda like… adopted me?”
“Is that a positive or a negative?”
“I think it’s a positive? But— right, my point was, it gives me time to dip out the back and then meet them in the other parking lot.”
“Why the other parking lot?”
Jonas shoots Duke a flatly skeptical look. “Well they’re not gonna come meet me over in the ‘special’ wing.”
Duke huffs out a short laugh. “Wow, okay, strong feelings about IS are still there I see.” Even as Jonas is rolling his eyes again, he goes on. “So the wild duo. What kind of wild? You think they’ll get in the way of treatment?”
That makes him think for a second. “Um… no? I dunno. The guy is kinda stupid rich and somehow has a line to a shit ton of weed, apparently. Which could be a problem.”
Duke’s brows have risen high. “Could be, yeah. Does your JPPO do random testing? Think being around them could mess with your results?”
Jonas shakes his head. “Nah, they’re scheduled. Every other two weeks. And that should be done by the end of June, and the testing might be ditched entirely when we go down to only meeting once a month. Plus apparently he’s more of an edibles guy, so I’m not super worried about anything accidental. I can always just keep away for a few days before testing, shouldn’t be too hard.”
“Even though you’ve been adopted?”
He snorts a bit at that. “Guess I can’t know for sure. Not too worried, though.”
“That’s good. How exactly did you manage to get adopted?”
“The girl was my tour guide first day. I guess she thought I was cool, ‘cause she introduced me to her friend and… I dunno. We exchanged numbers and stuff. Texted. They’re kinda high energy for me, but also-” Jonas hesitates, rolling his eyes before continuing. “It’s weird, ‘cause Alex is kinda… popular? She’s a total dork, constantly jokes about being a witch, but it feels like everyone knows her? And likes her? It’s weird.”
“Huh. Are you saying you think they shouldn’t?”
“I’m saying…” Jonas shrugs. “Eh. She’s nice enough, I get that. But like… I feel like at North Valley she would’ve been… I mean, not disliked. Considered annoying, maybe, in large doses. Not exactly a class clown, but that same idea. More of a subject of entertainment than friendship.”
“That’s an interesting way of seeing things.”
“What do you mean?”
“Analytical.”
Jonas considers that for a second. “…Maybe? It’s just kinda how the world is, I’m not complaining about it or anything.”
“Are you unhappy about it?”
He shrugs. “No? Like I said; it’s just how it is. People offer certain benefits, right? Sometimes that’s, like… like someone who always knows the homework. If we’re thinking concretely here. And then there’s the one who always has a pencil you can borrow. —It’s like a study group sorta analogy. There’s someone who’s able to get everyone together at once, and someone who can talk to the teacher and argue on your behalf, but who you might not want to spend time with outside of class ‘cause they argue with everyone. And there’s a class clown type, who’s really entertaining but can sorta get in the way if you’re trying to be serious.” Jonas pauses again. “I mean, there’s a lot. But everyone kinda has their strengths and weaknesses, right? It’s like a teamwork thing.”
“So where do you fit in this?”
He thinks for a moment, still playing with the wire cage. “I dunno. I have a car.” That’s part of it at least, even if other things come to mind as well.
“You think that’s what people see you for? Your car?”
Jonas’s lips pull. “I’m not saying that’s my only redeeming quality, I know I’m not just some dude with a car. That’s just, like, the prime benefit.”
“What else?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your other ‘redeeming qualities.’”
He rolls his eyes. “I’m— I know I have them, okay? I’m- I have skills. But they aren’t- y’know, like, my function in a social group.”
“What if you didn’t have your car? You can’t give more than yourself— what qualities do you think you’re bringing.”
“…Alex seems to think my height is a benefit.”
“She obviously has not been 6’3 and attempted to sit in a compact sedan.”
Jonas cracks a smile. “Yeah it’s cute, she’s not tiny but both her and Ren are like… she said it before, I don’t remember what it was 5’5 or 6 or something. Joked about needing me to retrieve pickle jars or whatever.”
“So you’re the guy with the car and the pickle-getter.”
“Sure.”
“That all?”
“Well- I mean, the tall thing is also like—” he waves a hand, “-y’know, the other tall stuff.”
“Can’t say I know what you mean, apart from reaching things and being asked about the weather.”
“You know.” Jonas fidgets slightly. Duke has to know that part of things. “The kinda… intimidation thing.”
“How do you mean?”
Jonas’s lips pull again in that vague passing annoyance. “You know. Being tall and looking— not scary exactly, but like… imposing, I guess. Basically looking like someone you don’t want to mess with.”
“And that’s what you think you bring to a friendship?”
“Yeah. Like… like a bodyguard or something.”
“You think your friends are in danger you have to protect them from?”
“No- well.” He lets out a short sigh, a rueful smirk hooking his lips. “Not yet, anyway. And once they are, I’m betting they’ll have put themselves into it.”
“What does the whole ‘bodyguard’ thing mean, then?”
“Um.” A few images pass through Jonas’s mind, and he hesitates, face impassive for a second before he shrugs again. “Trying to keep her from getting hurt. I guess.”
“…That doesn’t really sound like something based solely on height.”
His fingers twitch, and Jonas’s ears feel warm. “Look, I spent a year in juvie for physical assault. It might not just be the height.”
“You think she wants you to fight for her? Is this like… an American Gladiators kinda thing, or…?”
The laugh is just a huff of breath, but the corners of Jonas’s mouth are lifting. “I don’t think she wants me to fight. I’m just— And I don’t want to fight!” he assures Duke. “But like… there’s probably some element of ‘this guy makes a good meat shield’ or whatever.”
“You ever think they might just… like you? Like just, as you?”
He snorts. “I— I’m not saying they don’t! I mean, at the very least they tolerate me, and I assume they must like me, otherwise we wouldn’t text all the time. It’s really easy to ignore someone’s texts and make excuses.” Jonas isn’t even mad about the question, it’s so far removed from how he feels. “I’m just saying that there’s this fringe benefit for them.”
“And is that how you see them, as well?”
He shrugs a shoulder. “Honestly, they’re my allies right now. Not in a bad way - I like them, they’re fun - but at the moment their function in my social circle is connecting me to my new community, right? They’re transitional aids, like a kinda PREP thing. Or IS. I mean, she was a tour guide.”
“Sounds kinda dehumanizing.”
“It’s not meant to be. I’m— Look, we talked all the time about support systems and community engagement, and buying in, right? So, I’m building a support system of peers.”
Duke cocks his head, looking mildly bemused.
“What?”
“It sounds like you know the words pretty well.”
“Yeah, well. I didn’t talk much. Mostly listened.”
“Is that really how you think about the people around you? As… I don’t know, bricks in your support structure?”
“I mean, it’s not the only thing I’m thinking. I like the company, I like the distraction, they’re fun. But…” Another one-shouldered shrug. “I dunno, man, call it a justification if you want.”
“What do you mean?”
Jonas sighs. “Gives me a reason to keep trying.” Again, it’s not said in anger, or even in sadness. Just a straightforward factual statement.
“What would you do if you didn’t think of things that way?”
“Can’t know for sure, obviously. But— I dunno. Call it distress tolerance. Giving them a function gives me a reason to tough it out. Like—” He pauses. “…Yeah, no, I can’t figure out an analogy for the brick thing. Sticking with people instead of being— transient.”
“Transient.”
“Kinda drifting around. Moving through things.”
“You think you’re transient?”
“I think I’d survive without friends. Until shit started to go wrong, I guess.”
Duke is quiet, eyes narrowed like he’s trying to parse the statement, considering. “…I’m not sure I get it.”
“I like people, but all the— politics, I guess. It stresses me out. I’d rather just… not. At least, in group things. School, juvie— the social dynamic is this constant thing where you’re maintaining. Don’t shit where you eat and all that. Don’t fuck it up, you’re stuck there. All this work to not make things worse for yourself. Honestly, I’d rather just see people when I see them. All day every day is… a lot.”
“…Can I ask you a question?” He’s leaning forward, and his tone is a different kind of curious than he has been.
“I mean… that’s literally all you’ve been doing.”
“Your residential center, your stepdown stuff— they had GED programs. Why come back to high school?”
Jonas is spinning the little wire toy around one finger steadily, keeping an eye on it to avoid having it fly off, even as he picks up speed. “Dad wanted me to.” His stomach dips, and his voice is a little quieter. “Mom would, too.” He’s silent for a second, still spinning. “And it’s supposed to be good for me. Community engagement, support structures, all that.”
“Why do you think they wanted you to do school?”
“I mean, my mom was a teacher. My dad… just wants me to be well-adjusted. I think he wants me to feel normal again.”
“What do you think?”
Jonas’s gut has been steadily, gradually, slowly but surely filling with lead. He breathes evenly. Too evenly. Actively making the attempt. When he speaks, it’s a low mutter. “Not sure that’s possible, if we’re being honest.”
“Why not?”
He shakes his head. “I dunno. Things just— changed. Can’t really undo that.”
“…I mean, I agree that you can’t live in the past. Things happened, you can’t undo them, but you also can’t spend every minute thinking about them. I know mindfulness tends to get a bad rap ‘cause it’s sort of trendy in the mental health field right now, but there’s definitely a ton of upsides to it.”
“I’m… vaguely familiar.” Jonas’s voice is a bit wry.
“So you know the whole idea of where you’re living. The goal is being present. So not living in the past, or in the future, but in the here and now, without judgment.”
“…Okay…”
Duke is still bouncing his foot a bit. “What do you think? Like— really consider it for a second. What that means.”
“What, living in the present?” Duke shrugs in a casual kind of confirmation. Jonas sighs, fixes his eyes on the therapist, and tries to do as asked. “…I guess I just feel like that’s asking for trouble.”
“How so?”
“I mean… thinking about the future is kinda important. Otherwise you fuck things up and can’t undo them.”
“Who says you can’t?”
Jonas snorts. “You? Like… a minute ago?”
“I guess— maybe it’s just the use of ‘undo.’ You can’t rewind and make something not have happened, but you can control how you handle the consequences, how you potentially repair the situation, your reactions to things, all of that. But if you’re constantly fearing every possible outcome of anything you do… you do nothing.”
“So you’re saying not to think of consequences. You want me to just go party and violate parole and not care what might happen?”
“Well, no.” Duke actually rolls his eyes. “Hell— it’s a delicate balance, right? But some part of that has to be just allowing yourself to exist without judgment.”
“O…kay?”
“Or analysis.”
“…Ah.”
“I mean, it’s not like I’m advocating underage drinking or drugs or truancy or anything, but… You’re out, y’know? You’re in this do-or-die headspace, but your situation has changed dramatically. Now’s your chance to go back to being a kid. Live a little.”