Chapter Text
It was well into the night before they pulled into the garage of the bunker and I'd been pacing the halls ever since they'd called. Not that I'd slept much since they left with Chuck to take care of Jack, the periodic updates of the hell Chuck had opened up had made me terrified to close my eyes. I spent most nights curled on my 2 year old daughters bed, half wrapped around her, with my phone clutched in my hand so I wouldn't miss a call from Sam or Dean. Now, she was asleep and I was pacing. I wanted to be there when they got home. I needed to be.
So when I heard the door open and footsteps on the stairs, I ran as fast as my tired feet would carry me. I barely slowed as they saw me. Dean caught me first, managing to drop his bags just in time to envelope me in his arms. He turned us both, partially due to muscle memory, and I felt Sam's arms encircle me as well. There were no words. We would talk later but right now, I just needed to feel them.
After a moment I turned in their arms so my chest was pressed against Sam's. Dean had told me about Rowena and what Sam had had to do.
I'd been lovers with both Winchesters for years. I loved them both. Even though we knew Emily was biologically Dean's, thanks to Amara's Revelations while I was still pregnant, both brothers were like her father. We were a family. I considered them both to be my husbands. But I also was not a particularly jealous woman. I knew of Sam's connection with Rowena and had encouraged it because I knew that connection didn't diminish the love he and I shared.
It's not like they dated. Rowena wasn't that sort. Did he spend a few nights in her bed? Definitely. Was it love between them? Maybe. But neither, and definitely not her, would admit that.
So the wracking sobs that shook Sam as I wrapped my arms around him, were expected. Valid. Heartbreaking. And brought tears to my own eyes.
Dean slowly disengaged from our tangle of arms and kissed my cheek. "I'm gonna check on Emily and get a shower."
I nodded and mouthed my love for him. He offered up a small smile before grabbing his bags from the floor and heading down the hall. Cass rounded us and bent to pick up Sam's bags.
"I'll put these in his room." He said solemnly.
"Thank you, Cass." I whispered, reaching out a hand to grasp his for a minute. The pain in the angel's eyes was heart wrenching and I wished there was something I could do for my friend, but I am just one person and the tall man in my arms had to be my focus right now.
Eventually, I convinced Sam to move. Taking his hand, i lead him through the halls of the bunker, passed my room (that i used mostly for reading) and our daughters room. We paused for just a minute, while he smiled fondly at the sleeping 2 year old on her bed with pink sheets and teddy bear named Zepplin the demon slayer.
“Shes safe.” I whispered and tugged on his hand.
He nodded before allowing himself to be pulled away, door a couple doors to his own room. Sometimes after hunts, Sam or Dean would come home to the bunker with a need. And as soon as Emily was asleep, we’d fall onto one of their beds in tangled of limbs and passions. Other times, they’d simply cling to me like I was the only thing keeping them from exploding. Some times, I ended up between them, acting as their anchor to this world. More than once, we’d end up with a 2 year old climbing into bed with us, making it very difficult to sleep comfortably, but definitely helped heal all our hearts.
What i didn’t expect was for Sam to just sit on the edge of the bed and stare at his hands?
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, kneeling on the floor in front of him.
He took several deep breaths. “I just… She...I… Billie said I’d be the one. But i never thought… never really believed that… and definitely not like this… or that i’d L…” He stopped short.
“That you’d love her.” I answered for him. He turned his face away from me and I could feel the shame radiating off of him. “Hey.” I whispered and placed both hands against his cheeks, turning him to look at me. “You didn’t have a choice. She didn’t have a choice.”
“Aren’t you upset?”He asked.
“Of course I am. Rowena was one of my few friends…”
He shook his head slightly. “No… that I lo…. That i cared for her.”
I shook my head and gently kissed his lips before pressing my forehead to his. “No. I know you love me.You were never going to leave me for her. Just like i’d never leave you to only be with Dean. I am well aware of the heart’s capacity to love beyond what society tells us it should.”
He let out a huff and shook his head in that way he does when he is trying not to cry, eyes looking everywhere in the room but me, teeth biting the inside of his cheek. “Its okay to grieve a lost love, Sam.”
The tears started to fall again from his eyes. I kissed him again before crawling onto the bed and pulling him next to me. His grip as he wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his head against my stomach was almost bruising but I didn’t complain, instead I ran my hand through his hair as he cried. Dean came by an hour or so later with news about Ketch, which made four losses in such a short period of time. Mary, their mother… Jack… our son…. Rowena… friend and lover…. Ketch… once an enemy and then a friend.
I reached out a hand for Dean to join us but he shook his head. “Later. I’ve got to much energy still.”
I nodded. “We’ll be here when you’re ready.”
When he came back a while later, he looked even more haunted as he climbed into bed. He settled the other side of me from his now sleeping brother, a little higher up so his arm slid around my shoulders and my head was closer to his chest. We laid in silence for several moments before he spoke. “Cass left.”
I closed my eyes and let out a breath. Oh how broken our home was now….
I turned my head to kiss him softly before shifting a bit so I was comfortably settled between them. Something told me that we hadn’t seen the worst yet, but one thing I'd learned with the Winchesters is that we have to take these moments when we can.