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“No, Nick. We need to talk, now.”
“Ellie, really? Right now?”
“Yes, right now. I can’t keep doing this- this thing. I’m not ashamed of us. I want to tell people about us. We could have a chance.”
“I want to, too El. Really I do, but—“
“But, no. I love you, Nick. That won’t change if people know about us. Don’t you love me?”
“Ellie, you know that answer. It’s just—“
“No, I’m done. Either tell people about us, or we’re done, Nick. I can’t take this anymore.”
“Ellie, I- I-... I can’t.”
“Well then...I can’t. I hope you find someone who can, Nick. I hope you’re happy.”
Too bad he wasn’t. He’d never be happy without Ellie. He wanted to tell her—his pride got the best of him. He spent a month hiding his pain, his regret, his guilt. He thought about her parting words hourly. I hope you’re happy. The misery that coursed through her statement in low undertones would’ve been lost on someone who didn’t know her like he did. She didn’t get pissed, she didn’t yell, she didn’t hit him. She should have—he deserved it.
I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue
Put you in jail for something you didn't do
I pinned your hands behind your back, oh
Thought I had reason to attack, but no
He saw Ellie’s face from across the bullpen, he saw her blue attitude, even if she tried to hide it. She didn’t smile, she didn’t joke, she didn’t snack.
“I could really eat something. How about you Torres-, Bishop?” McGee had asked them both one late night chasing a lead.
“I’m good, I’m not hungry,” had been Ellie’s reply. In the years Nick knew her, she never once turned down food.
Her refusal went right over McGee’s head, but Nick noticed. Nick knew.
And yet, he still didn’t change. His pride wounded, ego bruised, whatever you wanted to call it. He put up a front to show everyone it didn’t bother him, he was Nick Torres. He reverted to his old ways, meeting up with different girls, acting like a player. Did they ever have anything more than lunch and a coffee together? Hell, no. He couldn’t bring himself to go farther. He didn’t want to go farther. No-, he wanted one person, but she didn’t want him.
“I hope you’re happy”— so he acted like he was happy...to hide the sorrow he felt.
His revolving door right in front of Ellie effectively jailed her in her own workplace. Ellie was too strong to display her emotions across her face, but Nick knew he wasn’t innocent, she was affected. Her hands were tied—what was she going to do, not come in to work? Somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind he recognized he was being an ass, but he tried to reason it. She gave him an ultimatum, so he lashed out-, he attacked, so what?
Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves
Chemistry 'til it blows up, 'til there's no us
Why'd I have to break what I love so much?
It's on your face, and I'm to blame, I need to say
After the first couple weeks, Nick decided to shut it all out, the emotions, the guilt, all of it. He told himself wrestling with what happened would be pointless, like boxing with no gloves, no one would come out unscathed. He and Ellie had chemistry, a spark that caught flame until someone poured gasoline on it and they blew up.
If he was being honest with himself, he was the one holding the empty gas can. He had tried to reason with himself initially, saying their new relationship was too real and he might screw it up with outside pressure. So in turn, he forced her to keep it a secret under the guise of being worried he didn’t know how to do real. And consequently made it not real.
Hey
It's all me in my head
I'm the one who burned us down
But it's not what I meant
Sorry that I hurt you
He needed to get out of his head—an outlet, something, anything, to forget how he burned them down. He’d convinced himself he couldn’t be who she needed and so he took off the second it got hard. But he didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean to hurt her. He’d been afraid of his love for her, so he ran.
Guess I have my outlet—do what I do best—run , he thought wryly. Every morning from then on he woke up before dawn and ran. And ran, and ran.
Yet, no amount of miles managed to get Ellie out of his head. If he couldn’t run from his thoughts, maybe he couldn’t fight away his thoughts. Which is how he found himself at the only gym he felt safe in, the Navy Yard’s dinky 1970s gym, staring at Ellie demolishing a punching bag three times her size.
It's so excruciating to see you low
Just wanna lift you up and not let you go
This ultraviolet morning light below
Tells me this love is worth the fight, oh
Nick hung back in the shadows, he craved to be closer but knew it wasn’t welcome. Her jabs and kicks became more frantic as she continued, until he heard a strangled noise come from her direction. And suddenly, Ellie collapsed in a heap on the gym floor. Her entire body shook with sobs, the sound of which were excruciating to hear, to watch.
The pain tore him in half. Nick yearned to run to Ellie and lift her in his arms, shielding her from anymore hurt for the rest of his life.
But he did that—how could he shield her from himself?
Dawn broke and the glow from the rising morning sun shone through the half-windows on one side of the gym. The practically ultraviolet light managed to highlight Ellie perfectly, almost directing him to his answer. He couldn’t. He may not be able to shield her from everything—even himself sometimes, but he could sure as hell fight for the woman he loved.
I lived like an island, punished you with silence
Went off like sirens, just crying
Why'd I have to break what I love so much?
It's on your face, don't walk away, I need to say
He loved . The words used to scare him. It had always been just Nick, a little island separating itself from everything else. When Ellie started to get too close, he treated her with silence, refusing to go public with their relationship. Being alone is what he did best.
At the time, his strong woman hadn’t shown the hurt he caused, but now- now he could really see it. Sirens blared in his head, he’d fucked up. He broke something he loved. And she might still try to hide it, but it was written on her face, she loved him, too. At least...he hoped like hell she did.
Hey
It's all me in my head
I'm the one who burned us down
But it's not what I meant
I'm sorry that I hurt you
I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you
I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you
I need to say, hey
It's all me, just don't go
Meet me in the afterglow
Ellie’s sobs continued and Nick’s shoes felt like they were lined with lead. He didn’t want to do this to her, he couldn’t lose her. He just couldn’t.
It was him, all him. But he needed to tell her.
He burned them down. But they could meet in the beauty of the afterglow.
If she didn’t go.
Tell me that you're still mine
If she was still his.
Tell me that we'll be just fine
If they would still be fine.
Even when I lose my mind
Even if he loses his mind.
I need to say
Tell me that it's not my fault
Tell me that I'm all you want
Even when I break your heart
He needed her to want him, even if he broke her heart.
I need to say, hey
It's all me in my head
I'm the one who burned us down
But it's not what I meant
Sorry that I hurt you
I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you
I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you
I need to say, hey
It's all me, just don't go
Meet me in the afterglow
He had to say it—he had to tell her. It was all him, sorry didn’t even begin to cover it. He couldn’t lose her, she couldn’t go.
Nick didn’t realize he was crying until he heard a tear drop into a puddle by his feet. He was stunned. He’d never cried in his life, not once. But he cried for her.
A long time ago, Nick had told Ellie he’d die for her. He meant it then, and he meant it now because damn him if their love wasn’t one worth fighting for.