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Today was particularly shitty, bad things kept piling on top of another. By the time lunch rolled in I was just ready to go home, lie on my bed and cry myself to sleep. But I didn't have a choice. I couldn’t play hooky, and had to brave the rest of the day. My emotional and mental breakdown can wait. I just have to get through 3 more classes.
5pm rolled in and I was the first person out the door. I rushed to my car, and as soon as I was behind the wheel, I couldn't stop the tears from falling it was like the gates were forced open and wave after wave of emotions came flooding in all at once. So I sat there in my car, in the school parking lot, just sobbing uncontrollably. Hot tears were pouring from my eyes onto my cheeks, resting my forehead on the wheel and hating myself for crying, I swiped at the tears angrily, and rubbed my eyes with no form of gentleness whatsoever. I rubbed and wiped until the skin around my eyes and cheeks felt raw.
In the middle of trying to catch my breath my phone rang, it was Jae. I picked up my phone and tried to collect myself. I stared at his name on the screen, and without much of preamble my thoughts took over; they ran at a speed that would put an Olympic medallist to shame. Thoughts such as “I can’t do this to him again” “He already has so much on his plate right now, I can’t weigh him down any further” “I can handle this, I’ll cry and move on.” raced through my mind. However I was adamant on not losing this time, so before I lost all control I reigned in all my emotions and remembered my doctor’s words; Breathe in, and out. Just breathe and answer the call. I cleared my throat and answered the call.
"Hey baby"
"Hi Babe, how's your day going? I miss you so much" the way he said it so quietly and gently almost made me want to break down and ask him to hold me because my day has been everything but good. Almost.
The tiniest hint of exhaustion I detected in his voice kept me from doing just that.
"I miss you too… It's fine, you know nothing out of the ordinary, how ‘bout you how was band practice?"
Jae was silent for a couple of seconds then finally, with concern lacing his voice he said,
"Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
"What do you mean? I’m good just a little tired. So band practice how was it?" I chirped, trying to dodge his question.
“Baby… You know I can tell from your voice right? Where are you right now?”
I bit my lip to keep myself from sobbing.
"The school parking lot" I managed to choke out as tears pricked my eyes.
"Don’t go anywhere, and don't hang up. I’m on my way"
I did as he said and stayed on the line. I heard some shuffling in the background and after hailing a cab he asked me, “You still there?"
"Yeah" I sniffled
"Try to calm down okay? Just breathe." I nodded even though he couldn’t see it. And then we were both silent. The only things that can be heard were the static sound connecting the both of us, my sniffles, muffled sobs, and the sound of his breathing.
I closed my eyes and listened closely; it was rushed but collected at the same time. It was strangely comforting, like nonverbal sweet nothings. Jae seeing me in that state of mess was the last thing I wanted, but there was no stopping him, the way he said his words with such gentle firmness was enough to let me know better than to ask him not to come and see me.
Aside from him checking up on me every couple of minutes, for the entirety of his cab ride we barely said a word to each other. He knew me so well. He knew that if he asked me questions over the phone, I’d put my guard up and steer away from the subject. Not too long after, I heard him thank the cab driver, and I could tell from his steps and breathing that he was running, I raised my head and looked outside, and right there smack in the middle of the parking lot, Jae stood, the moment our eyes locked, I felt all my walls crumble down. I was completely defenseless. Vulnerable.
Before I knew it, he was in the car and somehow he managed to squeeze himself into the driver’s seat cradling me. I was a sobbing mess enveloped in his arms. He held me, stroked my hair, and wiped my tears, snot, and sweat without saying a word. Jae’s familiar warmth surrounded me, I felt safe and sound. I was home.
After what felt like forever, my sobs finally subsided, and I was exhausted. He helped me to the passenger seat, and drove home as I slept.
The moment we reached my apartment he woke me up by gently stroking my cheek with his thumb. “We’re here” he whispered. I opened my eyes but remained in my seat. I held his hand, laced my fingers through his long and slender ones, looked at him in the eyes and planted a soft kiss on the back of his hand. He smiled softly and leaned in to kiss my forehead.
We went inside and he immediately disappeared into the bathroom. I sat on the couch and closed my eyes. My head was throbbing, and my stomach growling. As I was contemplating whether to eat or not, Jae emerged from the bathroom. I scanned him, he was wearing a red sweater, and pair of black track pants, a wet patch is visible on his chest area. I winced as I tried to imagine how I looked a while ago. It was not the most flattering sight that’s for sure.
Probably noticing the face I was making he stripped off his sweater to reveal a white shirt underneath.
“I ran the bath for you; go in while it’s warm. I’ll take care of dinner.” He said while handing me a bathrobe. I stood up and instead of receiving the robe I wrapped my arms around his waist. “Thank you” I murmured against his chest. Instead of replying he cupped my face and placed a chaste kiss on my lips. It was a close mouthed kiss; there was nothing erratic or rushed about it. It was one that spoke of gratitude and silent assurance. He broke the kiss and led me to the bathroom.
I sat in the tub, took a deep breath and the sweet zesty scent of lemon filled my senses. I released a deep sigh and felt my body slowly relax. I stared at the wall as I tried to empty my mind but somehow I couldn’t stop thinking about how different life was two years ago.
Two years ago, before Jae came into my life I refused to let anyone see me cry, not even myself. I wanted everyone around me to believe that I was mature, and level-headed. That’s what I was taught growing up. I didn’t want to waste my time indulging into what I thought back then were useless and unnecessary emotions. On rare occasions when I would unconsciously acknowledge how I felt, I made sure to brush the thought away as quickly as it came, so as to force myself to be okay.
But Jae... I met Jae and he changed all of that, unlike me he says what needs to be said, and feels what is ought to be felt. He taught me how to find relief in crying, screaming, and just letting it all out. He made me realize that crying helps, it may not solve my problems, but it helps and it’s most definitely not a sign of weakness nor is it admitting defeat, it’s just how we humans are wired. “Be joyful, be sad, laugh, cry and live every day to its fullest. Let your emotions remind your mind that you are alive.” As Jae has put it. After soaking in the tub for a good amount of time, I slipped on Jae’s yellow oversized shirt and a pair of ankle length gray pyjama bottoms and we ate dinner in what was relatively comfortable silence.
“Your cooking lessons with Brian really paid off, dinner was amazing. Gordon Ramsay could never.” I said against his chest.
We were snuggled up on the bed, watching Little Forest for what felt like the 100th time it was our favourite movie. He chuckled and pulled me closer.
“Really? I’m glad you liked it but don’t let Brian hear you say that though, he’s already annoying as it is. No need to give him more ammunition.” he grumbled but I could hear the smile in his voice
I cackled “For real though, it was one of the best meals of my life.”
“Crap. Now I’m tempted to go on Master Chef. What do you think?”
I turned my head to look at him and with a straight face I said “Are you sure about that? I mean… that’ll be too much of a walk in the park for you baby.”
Our faces contorted as we held our laugh but we eventually gave in and erupted in a fit of giggles. When we finally calmed down we were both lying on the bed, just looking at each other, the movie long forgotten. He reached out a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear; I leaned towards his touch still looking into his beautiful brown orbs that were filled with concern.
“Rough day huh?”
I inched towards him and buried my face in the crook of his neck. I breathe in the familiar scent of his body wash and mumbled “Yeah… it was pretty… bad”
“Do you wanna talk about it?” he asked his tone was careful but encouraging.
I contemplated but then nodded in response. I sat down and proceeded to talk about everything that went down, I talked about how one of my student’s parent demanded that I give his kid (who barely showed up at school) a passing mark because apparently that’s “what I’m paid to do”, how my Department Head gave me shit for trying to defend myself and standing by my decision, because according to her I was supposed to agree to the ridiculous demand for the sake of not creating a ruckus that might alert the school board. Angry tears burned my eyes and threatened to spill as I was seething after telling Jae what happened. I looked at him and saw that he too was livid; he clenched his jaw and released an exasperated sigh followed by a string of colorful profanities.
“Well that was satisfying to hear.” I let out a small chuckle and settled back into his arms, Jae’s expression softened and his hold on me was tighter than before.
“You know you did great right? And none of it was your fault.”
“I don’t know Jae… I can’t help but think that maybe… maybe I could’ve done something more…” My voice trailed off as I balled my fists tightly and kept my eyes down.
“Hey, don’t say that. Look at me…” He shifted in his position and his hands delicately cupped my cheeks so our eyes met, willing me to listen to him and him alone, with a sense of gentle urgency and finality in his voice he said “You did everything you possibly could. You talked to the kid, the parents, and everyone involved. Hell, you even went to their house. It was up to the parents and everyone else to do their part.” his eyes never left mine. With tears in my eyes I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to speak without just straight up bawling.
Jae kept his gaze on me and continued “Día … my beautiful and brave Día Song, you did your best and I couldn’t be more proud of you. So please… stop selling yourself short. You know what? Sometimes I wish I can just pluck my eyes out so you can use it and see what I see. Because when I look at you, I see an incredible person, someone who’s much much stronger than she thinks she is, someone who doesn’t deserve to beat herself up over something she has no complete control over, and most importantly I see you, the person that I love with every single fiber of my being. With each passing day somehow I find myself loving you even more than I already do, I didn’t even know that it was possible to fall harder for the same person every single day. What I’m trying to say is, I have so much love to give you, and I know I’ll never run out of it, so can you please take all that love and use that to slowly but surely learn how to love yourself more?” sincerity seeped in each and every single word he uttered, and that completely undid me.
My whole life, I tried to kid myself in to thinking that I was okay when I was clearly far from it, I never truly understood what it meant to be contented in my own skin and appreciate myself for who I was. Voicing out my thoughts and talking about my emotions were the hardest things to do, but his words once again gave me the courage, this time to tell him what has been going through my mind lately.
I took Jae’s hand in my own intertwined our fingers “You know for the longest time I was always so hard on myself, treating myself horribly has become the norm for me, but Jae… you turned everything around. You showed me that I don’t deserve all these self-inflicted pain and I will be forever grateful, but to be honest I still catch myself thinking whether I deserve to feel this much happiness.” I sighed and placed our joined hands on my chest, right above my heart. “At the back of my mind I still constantly ask myself whether it’s okay for me to feel this… good… to feel so… loved. But Jae trust me when I say that I’m trying, I’m trying really hard to get rid of such thoughts, because every time I look at you it’s like I can hear a voice in my head telling me how I never wanna lose you. So is it okay Jae? Is it okay for me to be selfish and want you all for myself?”
Before he can even reply I went on “And I know… I know that I can be too much sometimes. Like today, I’m very much thankful that you are here but I also wanna say that I’m sorry you had to deal with this again I even got snot and sweat all over your sweater oh god I was such a mess earlier. You really didn’t need to see that but you were so warm and your arms felt like home that I really couldn’t sto-” my verbal diarrhea was cut short when I felt his lips on mine.
My mind went blank, all the words in my head died down and the only thing I could think of was his mouth and the way he tasted. He placed his right hand on the back of my head; the other on my waist, my arms naturally found its way around his neck and I ran my fingers through his hair deepening the kiss. He tugged me closer so I was pressed against him, our mouths danced together in a rhythm that was both familiar and new. He lightly nibbled on my bottom lip before pulling away to shower my face with soft kisses. Slightly out of breath we pressed our foreheads together and stared in each other’s eyes. “Yes, please promise me you’ll be selfish and want me all for yourself, because I sure as hell won’t be going anywhere. You’re stuck with my six foot ass forever. Promise me.”
I nudged my nose against his and answered “I promise. I promise in all my five foot one glory. Jae, I love you.”
“And I love you my most beautiful and precious Día.” we exchanged soft smiles, and connected our lips again. And just like that, the worries that were choking me disappeared at once, my mind and heart was at peace. Once again in Jae’s arms I finally breathe.
For all the times when my emotions were running high, days were long and bleak, nights were bitter and cold, Jae was there to calm my storms, and warm my soul, he is my constant reminder to hold on to life for it gets better.
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