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Ellie opened and folded the note from Nick one more time. She kept telling herself she’d only read it, one more time. That was easily twenty “one more time’s” ago.
It didn’t matter though, those three words were burned into the back of her eyelids.
I love you.
Nick loves her. And she...didn’t know. Ellie hadn’t read the note earlier when she teased Nick, no- she was too terrified of what it might read. Too scared that it would breech something she didn’t want to dive into. Too worried that it would change their entire dynamic.
She was right.
Ellie let out a frustrated sigh as she flopped back on her bed, legs hanging off the edge as they dangled in midair. The harmless flirting had started to blossom into something more recently. Little events here and there and Ellie had tried to ignore. She tried, so hard. Given her history, she figured it was best to just give up all hope at long-term, real relationships. She clearly wasn’t good at them. So she entertaining this burgeoning...whatever that was happening between her and Nick, but concurrently erected concrete walls six feet thick around her heart. She bet on Nick never getting serious, he hadn’t before, why would he now?
Boy, did she lose that bet.
But, she thought, he hadn’t actually told her yet. For all he knew, there could be nothing written in that note.
Sitting back up, she devised a plan. She wouldn’t tell him, she’d lie. Her gut twisted at the thought of such an outright lie to Nick, but she ignored it. Just as she ignored the ache in her chest that had started to grow the second she realized he loved her and she couldn’t say it back. She just, didn’t know. When you repress all feelings and give up hope for any future of love, you almost forget how to.
She’d tell him it said something superficial—like she had pretty hair or something. She had to make it personal, but not too deep. She’d do it tomorrow, they were meeting up for goat yoga, she’d let him “off the hook” then.
———
Nick looked more chipper than usual, a pep in his step and smile plastered on his face that never budged. That ache in her chest flared. How could she do this?
Nick stopped less than a foot from her and held out a crooked elbow, “Ready for Jessica?” He asked without dropping his smile.
Ellie wavered for a second...but she knew she had to, she couldn’t tell him the truth. It would crush him when she said she didn’t know. Sucking in a breath for strength she answered, “Yeah, but first...Nick, just so you know, your note wasn’t a big deal.” He cocked his head to the side with an unspoken question. “Yeah,” she tried to lighten the tightness in her chest with a dry half-hearted chuckle, “it just said my hair was pretty.”
Nick’s facial features morphed into confusion, “Ellie—“
“Yeah, yeah, really no big deal. I was just messing with you.” She hurriedly added on and tried to start walking towards yoga, except Nick stood firm, rooted to the spot.
“Ellie, I know what it said.”
Her eyes snapped back to him. She gulped, “You-, you do?”
“Why- Ellie, why-“ Nick struggled to get words out, clearly wrestling with what to say. He pulled his arm out from hers and clenched and unclenches his fists at his sides. “Ellie, it said I love you.” His eyes bore into her soul, “Why did you just lie?”
She was stunned speechless. She really didn’t expect him to remember what he wrote. “I-, I uh-, I don’t know.” She finally answered him and hung her head
“You don’t know what? You don’t know why you lied or you don’t know something else?” Nick probed and she could just feel the pain vibrating off of him.
Ellie’s chest now physically hurt, the ache had grown and transformed to a piercing in the center of her breastbone. She had to tell him, he deserved that much.
“What, Ellie? What do you not know?”
“I- I don’t know if I love you.” His sharp intake of air twisted that knife in her chest, but she continued, rambling, “I just- I built these walls up after, after Jake and Qasim, and I don’t know- I just, I closed myself off from love and I-“ she paused for a breath before raising her eyes to meet his, “I forgot how to. I knew there was always this thing— “ she gestured between them haphazardly, “between us, but I never figured...”
“You never figured I’d get serious. Me, Nick Torres, was ever capable of love,” he deadpanned.
“No, no! That wasn’t it...I just never thought I’d ever be on your radar. So I enjoyed the flirting, but I blocked out anything else that could be deeper. Nick, I really might love you. I just don’t know.” She ended lamely and she knew it, his face said everything. The closed off, tired look in his eye said it all.
He stared at her with empty eyes as he sighed, “Well I guess there’s nothing else to say.” He looked far off, over her shoulder as if searching for strength, “I think I’m going to go home. I’ll see you at work Ellie.”
Frantically she reached for his wrist as he turned to go, “Wait, Nick! I need to figure somethings out myself, but I really do think I love you. I just-, can you...can you wait for me?”
His sigh traveled bone deep as he thought out his reply. “You know, I don’t know, Ellie. I don’t know if I can wait. I’ve waited too long to tell you, I don’t know if I can wait who knows how long for you to ‘figure it out.’ I’m sorry, Ellie, I don’t know.”
And with that he finally left. As she watched his retreating backside, the stabbing pain in her chest threatened to split her in two. It was a feeling she’d never experienced before, and it took her a second to place it.
Heartbreak, she was experiencing heartbreak.
Why? Because she loved Nicholas Torres. But now she might be too late.