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Jongho finds himself standing outside his dorms, looking up at the sky. It’s raining. He can feel the water droplets hit his face as the rain makes its way down from the sky, slowly and softly. Jongho turns around and sees Him, watching Jongho with a fond smile on his face. The boy takes a step forward, and then one more, until he is so close Jongho has to fight the urge to touch him, hold his hand - anything. The boy leans forward, inching his way closer to Jongho’s face until their lips meet in a barely-there kiss. Just as quickly as it started it ends, with the boy pulling away and giving Jongho one more sparkly eyed smile before raising his hand and slapping him straight across the face.
Jongho snaps his eyes open.
The first thing he sees is the very man from his dreams leaning over him with wet hair (Jongho assumes from a recent shower), which is dripping onto Jongho’s face in small droplets. The younger stares at him for a couple more seconds trying to get his vision in focus before Yeosang slaps him again. Jongho lets out a surprised “Ah” but continues to stare at the boy above him with his mouth still parted struggling to differentiate reality from his dream. Is he dreaming right now?
Jongho’s ears register Yeosang’s voice which pulls him out of his thoughts.
“Wake up you weirdo,” he says. “And stop staring at me like that. I know I’m good looking, but this is getting creepy. At least say something?” Yeosang resorts to shaking Jongho by the shoulders until the younger boy finally responds.
“You are good looking,” he says and mentally slaps himself across the face.
Yeosang looks a little taken aback and gives the boy below him a strange look, so Jongho quickly says “What do you want,” trying to sound disinterested in efforts to pretend everything is normal.
“We have to go to practice you dumbass. Get up.” Yeosang says simply and stands up from Jongho’s bed seemingly satisfied with the awoken state of the younger boy, leaving the room quickly.
As the door shuts, Jongho has only four thoughts floating around his head.
‘Being repeatedly slapped across the face isn’t that bad when Kang Yeosang is the one responsible,’ he thinks.
‘God I really wish that kiss was real’ is his next thought, immediately followed by ‘Wait. No. I don’t even want that. I don’t like guys,’ which is then laughed at by his own subconscious.
‘What the fuck,’ Jongho thinks.
------
Jongho finds himself standing in front of a door of a room that isn’t his own, hesitating.
They’ve been home from practice for hours now. It's late, and most of his members are in their rooms, except San and Mingi who are loudly yelling while playing a video game in the living room.
He brings his fist up to the door to finally knock while his heart beats out of his chest. Why is he even nervous?
He hears shuffling on the other side before the door opens and Jongho is greeted by a smiling Hongjoong. Jongho thinks he must look like absolute crap because the leaders smile quickly morphs into a worried frown.
He says a soft ‘come in’, pulling Jongho into the room by the arm, where an equally frowny looking Seonghwa is very clearly racking his brain for what could possibly be wrong to make Jongho look this nervous and fidgety.
Hongjoong sits Jongho down on his own bed, joining Seonghwa on his. The youngest can’t help but feel like a child in trouble with both of his oldest members looking at him from across the small room with serious faces.
“Are you okay?” Seonghwa is the first to speak. Suddenly Jongho doesn’t feel too good, so he drops himself backwards onto Hongjoong’s bed and groans. Seonghwa looks at Hongjoong with a raised eyebrow, before turning back to Jongho with his interest peaked.
“How...,” Jongho starts, staring at the ceiling, but stopping abruptly to groan, again, and rub his face with his hands.
“How, what, Jongho,” Hongjoong pushes with a hint of a smile in his voice. Jongho can hear it. He knows the two older boys have caught onto the fact that Jongho’s problem may not be as life-ending as his nervous self made it look (though he’d argue that his life could very well end any second thanks to one Kang Yeosang), so Jongho decides to sit back up and face the two.
“How ... you know when you guys uh,” Jongho looks at a crack in the wall where the paint is slowly peeling off to divert his eyes from the curious couple across from him. “When you guys got together ... how did you know? Like, uh... how did you... know you liked each other for real?”
There’s a beat of silence and Jongho closes his eyes because he doesn’t want to see their faces for the next part.
He inhales and very quickly blurts “Thatyoulikedaboyforreal,” and squeezes his eyes shut tighter as if that will somehow help him get away from this situation.
He hears Hongjoong gasp, followed by a strange sound that Jongho quickly realises is Seonghwa trying to stifle his giggle. Jongho decides that he’s strong and brave and peeks his left eye open to look at the two sitting across from him. Hongjoong seems to be in shock while Seonghwa looks amused enough for the both of them.
Jongho lets out yet another groan and drops himself back on the bed, this time grabbing a pillow and holding it over his face. Maybe if he stays like this long enough, he’ll just suffocate and won’t have to deal with anything. Talking was a terrible idea, he thinks.
Hongjoong and Seonghwa quickly stand and rush to Jongho’s side, pulling him up to his feet and sitting him down on the floor. Jongho leans his back on the bed behind him and the couple sit on either side of him, forming a small circle, and lean in very closely. Somehow, Jongho knows what question comes next.
“Who is it?” Seonghwa excitedly asks, Hongjoong now looking less shocked and just as interested.
“Um...” Jongho trails off looking down at the ground.
It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell them, it’s just that if he says it, it becomes real.
‘It’s already real,’ his subconscious tells him. Jongho tells it to shut up.
Seonghwa notices Jongho’s internal struggle and takes matters into his own hands.
“Is it San?” Seonghwa asks, his voice sounding like it doesn’t believe itself. He quickly shakes his head, “No, is it Wooyoung?” he asks again.
Jongho keeps his eyes on the floor beneath them and whines “How do you even know it’s one of the members?” he says quietly as he looks up at Seonghwa.
“Well, is it?” Hongjoong asks and Jongho’s eyes flicker to the leader's face which is beginning to display a huge grin. Jongho realises his face is burning hot.
“It is!” Seonghwa cheers but quickly clears his throat and turns serious again. He looks at Hongjoong and then back at Jongho and narrows his eyes.
“It’s not one of us, right. Because we’re not really into that and I know-“
“No!” Jongho nearly shrieks. He sighs, again, and says, “If it was one of you do you think I would have come to you for advice? That’s just stupid. And, by the way, you’re not even giving me any advice. I don’t know what to do, I am panicking,” he slaps his hands over his face.
“Gay panicking,” Seonghwa snickers and Jongho whines.
“Wait...” Hongjoong trails off and Jongho drops his hands off his face, looking at him with nervous eyes knowing that he’s connected the dots. “It’s Yeosang,” Hongjoong states it like it’s a fact and, there it is again, the familiar burn on his cheeks returns, except this time Jongho feels like his entire body is on fire.
“Oh. My. God.” Seonghwa exclaims and starts fidgeting excitedly for some reason before Hongjoong has to grab his arms and calm him down.
“Don’t scare the kid, Seonghwa, God,” Hongjoong says and gives him a pointed look.
“Right...” Seonghwa says and settles down, turning his attention to Jongho.
“How did this even happen? You were our token straight and you’ve taken that away from us? I can’t believe you.” Seonghwa huffs in fake annoyance to lighten the mood.
“Shut up,” Jongho says and Hongjoong reaches to pat him on the back.
“It’s okay, Ho. I get it. Living in one room with someone like Yeosang can change a man.” He snickers and Jongho groans for what feels like the 300th time in the 10 minutes he’s been in their room.
“So ... when did you realise?” Seonghwa asks, more serious this time.
“This morning, I think.” Jongho sighs and rests his elbow on his own knee with his chin in his palm.
“I had a dream where he kissed me,” he ignores the small gasps and continues, “and then slapped me.”
The couple makes equally confused expressions but Jongho carries on.
“It was also raining. And then I woke up and he was just there, right in front of my face, and his hair was dripping water and he was slapping my face to wake me up. And I was thinking about that all day, and the kiss in the dream, and then I realised that I think I’ve liked him for a long time, but I just didn’t know. I thought they were ... friendly feelings this whole time.” Jongho finishes.
“What were the feelings?” Hongjoong encourages, putting on his imaginary leader detective cap to focus on figuring this out with Jongho.
Jongho thinks that maybe talking to them wasn’t a bad idea after all.
“Well...” he starts, “I know I stared at him for too long. Because I thought he was really pretty, but I know everyone can see that, so my first thought was ‘wow, congratulations, you have eyes, self’ but today I realised I feel better when I look at him. Like, happier? And sometimes when he touches my hand or fixes my hair for me or helps me with my mic ... I feel all tingly wherever he touches. It’s like ants crawling over my skin but like, nice. I know I want to take care of him. And hold his hand. And this morning after the dream I wished he would kiss me for real. Even if it ended with a slap as it did in the dream, I didn’t care, I just wanted to kiss him. And I’ve been thinking about that all day. Kissing him, I mean. Honestly, even if he didn’t like me back, I’d be okay if he didn’t push me away if he found out. I don’t really care what our relationship is as long as he’s happy. And smiling. Because his smile is so god damn beautiful.” Jongho finishes and finds that he’s staring at the floor again. He feels his own lips set in a small smile.
He looks up at the two boys in front of him after an extended silence and finds Seonghwa looking at him with a slightly parted mouth but a hint of a smile and a small looking Hongjoong next to him, who is threatening to cry any second.
“Wait, no why are you crying, I’m sorry,” Jongho lets out and reaches for him but Hongjoong shakes his head and laughs.
“Jongho ... I think you love him.” Hongjoong whispers, and its Jongho’s turn to feel like he’s going to cry.
Hongjoong is right. He is so very right and Jongho can see that now and suddenly he feels like his heart is being ripped from his chest while simultaneously feeling his body fill up with warmth and happiness.
“Oh no,” is all Jongho can say which forces a laugh and a shake of his head from Seonghwa.
“Jongho, don’t worry. Somehow, I feel like everything is going to turn out for the best,” he says.
Jongho looks at him, hopeful for a second, but then shakes his head.
“I don’t think so. I like him, probably love him, so much and he doesn’t even know. He thinks I’m straight. He has probably already erased me from his options and flagged me as unavailable in his brain,” Jongho sighs and feels deflated.
Hongjoong grabs his hand and smiles. “You don’t know that,” he says keeping the youngers hand in his, “He might surprise you. I mean, he definitely doesn’t know you’re very much not straight, but I think you should tell him. Nothing bad will happen - even if he didn’t like you back, he would never push you away. You know Yeosang, you know he would never do such a thing.” Hongjoong assures him and Jongho sighs.
“I guess you’re right,” he says.
Jongho smiles at the two. He can do this. He can be confident. He knows he can.
He will just tell Yeosang how he feels, he’ll tell him what he told Hongjoong and Seonghwa and he’ll make it clear that even if Yeosang doesn’t feel the same it’s okay but Jongho just wanted to tell him, so he knows.
And so that Jongho isn’t silently pining and wishing he knew what Yeosang thinks about him.
He can do that.
------
“I can’t do it,” Jongho announces as he barges into Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s room without warning.
He lets the door slam shut behind him and drops his body horizontally across Hongjoong’s bed, where Seonghwa is reading a book. The older gives him an annoyed look.
“There’s a whole empty bed right there, but you just had to come here,” Seonghwa nods his head towards his own empty bed on the other side of the room and emphasises his words to make his irritation clear.
“I need human support,” Jongho whines, his voice muffled as his face is buried in the sheets of the bed, and Seonghwa’s features momentarily soften.
“Okay but can you get off my legs, please, your hip is digging into them,” Seonghwa points out and Jongho lets out a big sigh, before moving to sit next to the older, leaning against the head of the bed as Seonghwa shuffles to give Jongho more space.
“You’re mean. Where’s Hongjoong? He’s the only one I can trust,” Jongho wails dramatically and a small laugh escapes Seonghwa’s lips.
“He’s in the kitchen making dinner. If you’d rather talk to him, you can make your way there and spill all your problems for the whole dorm to hear. Including Yeosang,” Seonghwa says with a smirk and Jongho gives him a sour look.
“No. Please help me. I don’t know what to do,” Jongho says and leans his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder.
Seonghwa finally puts his book to the side and sighs.
“Ho, it’s been 2 days. Waiting longer is only going to make you more nervous. If you just get it over with you won’t be working your brain into overdrive,” he says as if it’s the easiest thing Jongho has ever had to do.
Jongho wants to tell Yeosang but he’s scared. Somehow the thought of having his feelings just immediately out there scares him to no end.
It feels as if Seonghwa is reading his mind when he speaks up again.
“You know, you could just ... drop hints. Flirt with him a little, see how he reacts. Maybe his reactions will give you the boost of confidence you need,” Seonghwa smiles, and his face reads something that Jongho can’t quite place.
Jongho nods thoughtfully.
“That’s not such a bad idea. I know for sure I can’t tell him straight to his face but ... what if I can’t do this either? He just makes me so nervous...” Jongho trails off and Seonghwa snickers.
“How ironic,” he says under his breath and Jongho lets out a “Hm?” sound, asking the older to repeat.
“Nothing,” he smiles. “You can do it. Just don’t overthink. It’ll be okay whatever happens,” he says, and before Jongho can ask how he can be so sure, they’re interrupted by Mingi’s loud voice announcing “Dinner,” to which Seonghwa responds by immediately moving to stand.
“Let’s go eat, lover boy,” Seonghwa says and Jongho gasps scandalised, and throws a pillow at Seonghwa’s head.
------
It took Jongho a whole dinner and then an hour or so more to finally build up his courage to follow Seonghwa’s advice and do something.
Now that they have all piled into the living room, spread out amongst the couches, chairs and the floor and watching some movie Yunho picked out, Jongho decides its time.
He glances to his right, where Yeosang is sitting next to him, thanks to Hongjoong and Seonghwa. (Jongho had already taken the seat on the end of the couch so the two older boys made sure to give sour looks to anyone who as much as looked at the spot by the younger, and with Yeosang entering the living room last, it was the only seat left).
The room is completely dark, except for the light coming from the TV, and all the boys are very into whatever is happening on screen.
Jongho thinks ‘fuck it,’ and reaches his arm around Yeosang, pulling the older boy’s body towards him, until Yeosang’s head rests on Jongho’s shoulder.
The younger looks at Yeosang, who has turned his head to look up at Jongho.
He's greeted by a slightly questioning but still sweet smile, and Jongho swears the boy will be the death of him. Jongho smiles back and turns his head back to the movie.
As much as he tries to, he can not ignore Yeosang snuggling further into Jongho’s body to get more comfortable.
Jongho and Yeosang have cuddled before, but not often enough. It was usually only when one of them was feeling extremely down or exhausted, or crying because of the pressure and stress their job puts onto them. As roommates, they take care of each other, of course, but casual cuddling like this was new to them.
Jongho hopes that Yeosang doesn’t hate the idea.
About ten minutes later (Jongho wasn’t counting), to his absolute horror, Yeosang decides that their current position just isn't comfortable enough.
The boy moves over Jongho so that he's sitting on the other side of the younger boy, dropping his legs on and over Jongho’s lap and hugging the younger’s body from the side.
Jongho feels like his heart is about to literally fly out of his chest and into the TV in front of them with how fast it's beating.
Yeosang looks at Jongho and his face seems to be asking ‘is this okay?’, to which Jongho responds by wrapping his arms around Yeosang and pulling him closer.
Yeosang rests his head on Jongho’s shoulder and sighs contently. Jongho wonders if Yeosang can hear his racing heart, if he knows that he is the reason it won’t calm down.
The younger stares at the top of Yeosang’s head for a few moments more, not believing the situation he’s in, before diverting his attention back to the movie.
By the time the movie's over, Yeosang has fallen asleep. Jongho can't see his face, but he knows because after a while Yeosang’s body got heavier and his breathing evened out.
Having Yeosang this close to him made Jongho so warm and happy, his heart still failing to slow from the marathon it seemed to be running.
Just as Jongho starts tracing his fingers over Yeosang’s arm and looks at the older boy fondly, the lights in the living room turn on, and a few surprised gasps surround the two.
Jongho looks up and is greeted by everyone’s eyes on them, sporting a range of different facial expressions.
For a moment, Jongho wondered how no one had noticed Yeosang shuffling to lay across his lap beforehand.
San, Mingi, and Yunho look shocked, while Wooyoung is smiling softly. Hongjoong and Seonghwa look oddly proud - Jongho supposes this was partly their doing.
“What th-,“ Mingi starts, his voice full volume until Jongho shushes him and shoots him daggers.
“Shut up,” Jongho whispers, “He’s sleeping”.
Mingi’s mouth shuts and he looks at them thoughtfully.
The fact that Jongho isn’t unnecessarily touchy with anyone is well known amongst the members. Jongho hates skinship, he even hesitates to hug the other boys when they cry. Yeosang was always an exception, and everyone (including Jongho himself) always assumed that it was just because they were roommates.
Now the younger knows that is absolutely not the case, and he was simply harbouring hidden feelings for the boy - Jongho feels a little stupid for not realising earlier.
“So ... what is this?” Wooyoung smiles at Jongho, something hiding behind his expression.
“Are you blind? They’re cuddling.” Seonghwa states the obvious.
“Jongho, you wouldn’t even let me hold your hand for two seconds, yet you’re okay with this?” San asks while throwing his arm up in their direction, to which Wooyoung lets out a huge sigh.
“To be fair, Sanie, you are very annoying,” he states and immediately receives a punch in the arm. Wooyoung exclaims in pain, and Jongho decides to just silently sit and observe the conversation even though he is technically the one being spoken to.
“I’m jealous,” San pouts, “I want Jongho cuddles. It seems like it would be nice,” he looks at Jongho and Yeosang and huffs.
“Yeosang’s special,” Seonghwa smirks and Jongho’s face is immediately on fire. He mutters a small “Shut up” and hides his face in Yeosang’s hair.
“Special?” Yunho repeats. He gasps, which is followed by a few more gasps and - “Wait... like special special?” San asks and Jongho looks up, begging for them to stop talking.
Yeosang may be asleep, and Jongho knows he’s a very deep sleeper, but he still doesn’t want to risk him hearing this conversation.
“This is wonderful,” Wooyoung says.
There is a beat of silence that is broken by Yunho’s voice.
“You mean to tell me,” he starts, “That we lost our token straight?!” The dramatic devastation is clear in his words, and the room explodes in laughter.
Jongho groans at his idiot members, before feeling Yeosang stir in his arms. He shushes everyone, then turning to shush Yeosang and lull him back to sleep. Yeosang sighs and settles down.
“Can we please not discuss this right now?” Jongho pleads. “I’m panicking enough as it is.”
“It’s true. You should have seen him in our room the other day when he told us.” Hongjoong laughs followed by Mingi’s offended “You told them and not us?”
“I didn’t need people making fun of me! I just wanted advice. Although after going to them,” Jongho throws a look in Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s direction, who shrug at his words, “I realised I might as well have told anyone. Either way, please don’t run your mouths. Keep a secret?” Jongho asks, and the room hums in agreement.
--
After their short discussion in the living room, Jongho took it upon himself to carry Yeosang back to their room, placing him on the elder’s bed carefully.
Yeosang was unsurprisingly very light, to Jongho anyway, so getting him to their shared room wasn’t a struggle.
As soon as Jongho sets Yeosang down on the bed, Yeosang’s eyes open slightly and a smile finds its way to the sleepy boy’s face.
“Thank you, Ho,” Yeosang murmurs, sleep lacing his words.
Jongho thinks his heart just exploded.
Yeosang sighs and blindly reaches for Jongho’s hand, closing his eyes again. Once he has the younger’s hand trapped in his own, he pulls on it to make Jongho sit down next to him.
“Stay for a bit,” Yeosang says and pulls Jongho’s hand next to his face, basically cuddling it.
All Jongho can do is stare, not knowing what to do or how to react, so he just sits in silence, listening to Yeosang’s even breaths as he falls back asleep quickly.
Jongho wishes he could stay like this forever, but with his own sleep taking over him, he carefully pulls his hand away from Yeosang’s grip and stands to wash up and sleep in his own bed.
He spends the entire time it takes him to fall asleep thinking about what it would be like to hold Yeosang in his embrace all night, kissing his forehead and feeling the warmth radiate off his body.
His own bed feels very cold that night.
------
Jongho wakes up to a loud noise. He blinks and turns towards the apologetic looking Wooyoung who had just slammed the door of his and Yeosang’s room.
“Oops, sorry,” Wooyoung says sheepishly and proceeds to walk towards Yeosang’s bed where he's still buried under the covers, but very awake.
Wooyoung sits on Yeosang’s bed as the older throws a “Good morning” and a smile in Jongho’s direction - it takes the youngest a few seconds to register it was him Yeosang was speaking to.
“Uh, good morning,” Jongho replies and looks at the two boys sitting on the other side of the room, both looking at him expectantly.
“Okay, me and Yeosang need to talk so can you leave please,” Wooyoung announces and Jongho gives him a shocked look.
“You’re kicking me out of my own room? This early? On our day off?” Jongho exclaims. He doesn't know what time it is, but he knows it's too early to go anywhere. “No, if you need to talk go to yours,” Jongho says, annoyed.
“Jongho, please,” Yeosang whines and it's as if something switches in Jongho’s brain.
“Okay, fine,” Jongho sighs and ignores Wooyoung’s snickering as he moves off and out of his bed, walking towards the door.
He looks at the two boys once more before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.
--
Jongho's sitting at the kitchen table, coffee in hand, whining at Hongjoong sitting across from him.
“There is definitely something going on,” Jongho places his cup down carefully before slamming his face on the table.
“First of all, please stop hitting things face first. Your voice may be your moneymaker, but you still need your face.” Hongjoong sighs, smiling. “Second of all, I wouldn’t be so sure. Why do you even think that?”
“Wooyoung literally kicked me out of my own room to talk to Yeosang. What could they possibly be talking about this early in the morning? There’s no way they’re actually talking.” Jongho says, his words partly swallowed by the table but Hongjoong hears them all.
“What do you think they’re doing then?” Mingi asks out of nowhere and Jongho snaps his head up to look at him.
“When did you get here,” Jongho whines, again, quickly accepting the fact that the audience of his sorrows is growing. As if on cue, Yunho joins them.
“What’s happening?” Yunho asks, sensing the weird atmosphere.
“Jongho thinks Wooyoung is fucking Yeosang,” Mingi says casually, which has Jongho sputtering and Yunho bending over in laughter.
“What?!” Yunho exclaims, struggling to breathe.
“See, even Yunho thinks it’s ridiculous,” says Hongjoong, amused by the situation.
Mingi and Yunho take a seat on either side of Jongho at the table, and Jongho sighs.
“Whatever, something is going on. I don’t know what but it’s weird.” Jongho says.
There’s a beat of silence after the boys hear a door slam closed, and Yeosang enters the kitchen.
Jongho’s breath is nowhere to be found because Yeosang is strutting around the kitchen with nothing but underwear and a very-not-covering tank top on. Jongho is pretty sure he's seen Wooyoung wear that before.
Jongho feels Mingi kick his leg and whisper a “Pick your jaw up off the floor,” and he realises he’s staring. Jongho quickly turns his head towards Hongjoong who’s sitting across from him and clears his throat.
Yeosang pays them no mind and continues making his morning coffee.
“See?!” Jongho mouths at Hongjoong, who gives him a look, glances at Yeosang and then shakes his head.
Jongho thinks that if Yeosang is happy, it doesn’t matter. But he can’t ignore the sharp pain in his chest and Yunho’s reassuring hand on his thigh, telling him it’s okay.
Jongho’s not so sure it is.
------
Jongho spends the next few days deflated. He has avoided Yeosang as much as time and space allowed him. He did try to act normal because he knows it wasn’t Yeosang’s fault - there’s no way he could have known about how Jongho feels because he was too much of a coward to tell him.
But acting normal was hard when he kept getting sorry looks from some of the other boys, and ones that seemed to say “what the hell is wrong with you” from Seonghwa, Hongjoong, and strangely enough, Wooyoung.
Jongho had been blatantly ignoring Yeosang, which upset the older boy - Jongho could see it. That lead to Yeosang ignoring him back.
So, Wooyoung’s probably just mad at Jongho for making his boyfriend sad.
Boyfriend. Jongho hates that word now. Every time he thinks about Yeosang being with someone who isn't him, he wants to bury himself under his covers and never ever leave his bed again.
He feels a little stupid being so upset over this, after all, it’s his own fault for not saying anything sooner. Maybe that’s why he’s so upset. He’s mad at himself.
But there’s nothing he can do now. So Jongho turns on his other side, his back to Yeosang’s bed, so he can avoid staring at the sleeping boy any longer.
Jongho closes his eyes to attempt sleep, hopefully without dreams about what could have been.
------
Jongho wakes with Hongjoong and Seonghwa standing over him. Once again, he feels like a child in trouble.
“What the absolute hell are you doing,” Seonghwa angry-whispers and Jongho darts his eyes towards Yeosang’s bed, which is thankfully empty.
“He’s not here, so can you please explain?” Hongjoong says, much calmer than the taller boy.
“You guys know what I’m doing,” Jongho sighs, “I’m trying to avoid being hurt even more.”
“Stop being stupid,” Seonghwa groans and Hongjoong gives him a pointed look.
“Listen,” Hongjoong starts, “I am 99% sure Wooyoung and Yeosang aren’t a thing. Which means you need to get your shit together.”
“There’s still the 1%,” says Jongho and Seonghwa groans again.
“We are 100% sure they’re not a thing. You’re hurting him and annoying us with this. May I remind you, Yeosang has no idea what’s going on. He probably thinks he actually did something.” Seonghwa says, his expression hard and serious.
Jongho looks down. He’s right, Yeosang has no idea why he’s acting weird. Jongho’s heart twinges at the thought of Yeosang hurting because of him and he looks back up at the two older boys.
“Fine, but what the hell can I do now? It’s not like I can just go ‘hey sorry for being a dick I actually really like you so’,” says Jongho.
“I mean, you could,” Hongjoong replies and Jongho whines.
“You know I can’t. What about Wooyoung?”
“Oh my god you- Okay. Just start with ... I don’t know. Telling him you’re one foot in the gay pool,” Seonghwa says and Hongjoong snorts.
“And how do I do that,” Jongho asks and Seonghwa shrugs.
“I don’t know. That’s for you to figure out.” He states and the two boys move to leave the room. “But apologise to him first.”
------
That evening, Jongho and Yeosang are sitting in their room, each on their own beds. Yeosang is playing a game on his phone while Jongho fidgets on his own bed, staring at his hands.
The atmosphere is awkward. The two still haven’t exchanged a word, and Jongho hates it.
He takes a deep breath.
“I’m sorry.” He says and breathes out.
A loud sound escapes Yeosang’s phone, followed by a deep voice announcing ‘game over’.
There’s a beat of silence and Jongho looks up and towards the other boy, finding him looking at Jongho. Yeosang’s face is a little surprised and a little curious, so Jongho decides to say something else.
“I was an ass,” he says and turns his head to look back at his hands, “And I didn’t even have a reason. I just ... I don’t know. I had no right to act that way. And I realise that now. I was kind of trying to protect myself but ended up hurting you instead and I’m sorry.” Jongho finishes and looks back at Yeosang.
Yeosang stares at him for a beat longer and smiles.
“It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay that you ignored me because it really did hurt me, but I accept your apology. But what happened?” Yeosang asks and Jongho panics in his brain a little. What is he supposed to say?
“I ... uh,” Jongho stutters and Yeosang looks at him expectantly. Jongho feels himself blush and Yeosang’s face turns into something unreadable.
“Don’t tell me you had a sex dream about me,” Yeosang deadpans and Jongho yells out in surprise.
“What- No!” Jongho exclaims and Yeosang is laughing like Jongho hasn’t seen him laugh in a long time.
“I’m just kidding. You don’t have to tell me anything right now. I’m sorry I just saw the chance and I took it.” Yeosang says while wiping tears of laughter from his cheeks.
“I like when you laugh. Laugh more please,” Jongho says without thinking and Yeosang looks taken aback for a second, before smiling at Jongho.
“Maybe you just need to make me laugh more,” the older replies and Jongho smiles back.
“I will.”
--
Everything went back to normal until Jongho realised that he never told Yeosang what made him be such an asshole towards him. Jongho wanted to carefully plan this out, just for his own sake. He knows he couldn’t handle telling Yeosang everything at once, so he decided to spread it out.
Today, Jongho will use the little acting skills he has, to feel out the waters and see how Yeosang reacts to the ‘possibility’ of him not being as straight as everyone thinks.
“Hey, Yeosang?” Jongho calls the elder who’s flipping through a magazine on the living room couch, laying on his back.
“Yeah?” Yeosang answers, sounding uninterested.
Jongho thinks being casual is the way, so he asks, “How did you know you were gay?” while continuing to focus on his phone, missing the way Yeosang momentarily drops his magazine on his face and sits up immediately.
Of course, Jongho already knows the answer to this question. From his own experience.
“Uh, why?” Yeosang asks, his voice now full of interest and Jongho decides to ignore that.
“I’m just wondering. I don’t know how to tell for sure.” Jongho says.
There’s a beat of silence. Then Yeosang speaks up.
“Are you asking for yourself?” he questions and Jongho shrugs.
“Maybe.”
Yeosang’s magazine leaves his hands and finds a spot on the floor, which Jongho, once again, ignores. He’s too nervous to pay attention to anything that isn’t how much his hands are shaking or how his heart is racing in his chest.
“I mean ... why do you think you’re uh ... gay?” Yeosang asks quietly and Jongho wonders why he sounds so nervous when Jongho should be the one losing his shit right now. No one said he isn’t.
“Well, I’m probably not completely gay, I mean, we all know I like girls. But there is a really pretty boy who I think I like, but I’m not sure. Maybe I just think he’s pretty, everyone does because everyone has eyes, but I think maybe there’s more.” Jongho acts clueless, he’s lying through his teeth and he knows it, but it’s easier this way. Somehow, he doesn’t feel as much pressure.
“I can appreciate the beauty of girls, I’m still gay,” says Yeosang, and Jongho laughs.
He feels a surge of confidence, so he looks away from his phone and directly at Yeosang’s confused and questioning face.
“Yeah, but he’s not just pretty. I’ve thought about what it would be like to kiss him many times. I also want to cuddle him, and I know seeing him close with other people makes me upset.” Jongho says, not believing his own mouth. What the hell is even happening? It’s too late to back out now, so he continues to stare at Yeosang, the beautiful, stunning, fucking unreal, Yeosang.
“Okay, yeah, that sounds pretty gay to me,” Yeosang says and lets out a nervous giggle which Jongho thinks is the cutest thing he has ever heard.
“I thought so too.” Jongho hums and stands up. “Thanks, Yeosang.”
Jongho moves to leave the room, but Yeosang’s voice stops him.
“Wait, who is this boy?” Yeosang asks and Jongho smiles.
“That’s for another day, honey,” Jongho says and turns to leave, trying not to show how absolutely terrified he is right now.
As soon as he’s out of Yeosang’s sight, he bolts to Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s room, inviting himself in and breathing so heavily one might think he just ran 10 laps in a stadium.
He looks over at the two startled boys who were very clearly in the middle of something if the messy hair and Hongjoong straddling Seonghwa’s lap is anything to go by, but Jongho ignores that and proceeds to drop onto the free bed.
“Boy do I have a story for you,” Jongho says and the two older boys immediately get off each other to listen to what Jongho has to say.
It ends with the two congratulating Jongho on reaching the confident gay phase of his life (even though Jongho was panicking anyway), and a lot of repeated ‘I can’t believe you called him honey’ from Seonghwa.
------
Jongho is in his room, folding up his freshly washed laundry while humming softly. He startles as Wooyoung barges into the room and as soon as the blonde boy spots the younger, he makes a facial expression that scares Jongho a little bit.
Wooyoung has a smirk on his face, his eyes not leaving Jongho as he enters the room and sits on the younger’s bed. Wooyoung has a sparkle in his eye, and before Jongho can question his presence, the older speaks up.
“So… we have a confident gay here, huh,” Wooyoung says, the smirk not leaving his face.
Jongho’s face twists. “What?” he asks.
“Yeosang told me what you asked him earlier. About the whole ‘how did you know you were gay’ thing,” Wooyoung mocks and Jongho’s eyes widen.
“That’s smart,” Wooyoung continues, “Dropping hints like that. But you’re gonna have to be bolder, he still has no idea the boy you were talking about is him.”
Jongho blinks at the blonde. “Okay, first of all, are you encouraging this?”
“Yes?” Wooyoung says, confused at Jongho’s question. “Why wouldn’t I encourage our youngest getting the dickin-,”
“Oh my God, Wooyoung stop right there,” Jongho exclaims in absolute shock and Wooyoung laughs.
“Well, it would happen eventually,” Wooyoung shrugs and Jongho slams a hand over his face.
“That wasn’t the point,” he sighs. “Why are you of all people encouraging this if you and Yeosang…”
Wooyoung gives Jongho a questioning look.
“I mean, you’re like … together aren’t you?” Jongho asks and Wooyoung blinks at him before bursting out into his high-pitched laughter, falling back on Jongho’s bed and seemingly struggling to breathe.
Jongho watches the scene in front of him unfold, his features not shifting from the confused expression he has been wearing for most of the conversation.
Wooyoung finally catches his breath and wipes his tears, sitting back up to face Jongho, before realising that the youngest was dead serious.
“Where did you even get that?” Wooyoung asks, a few giggles still escaping with his words.
“Are you saying you’re not?”
“Of course not, you idiot. I don’t know why you would even think that when everyone knows I have a thing for San,” Wooyoung says, smiling.
“Wait, what?” Jongho questions at the new information and Wooyoung shakes his head.
“Apparently not everyone, but anyway, that’s not the point. The point is you need to go get your man,” Wooyoung states.
“Easy for you to say. Have you ever tried that with San?” Jongho asks.
Wooyoung blushes at his words.
"Shut up. And don’t take me as an example. No, I haven’t said anything, no I don’t sleep better at night because of it. Tell Yeosang before he blows up please,” Wooyoung states.
“Before he what?” Jongho asks and Wooyoung’s eyes momentarily widen.
“Uh, nothing, just please tell him that he’s the boy. He deserves to know. And you deserve to be happy too.”
“Fine, I guess I should stop being so scared. The worst that can happen is he doesn’t like me back and I have to get over him. Right?”
“Right,” Wooyoung smiles, full of encouragement and Jongho smiles back. He then goes back to folding the clothes he abandoned when Wooyoung barged in. Both boys sit in silence for a while before Wooyoung speaks up again.
“Wait…” he starts and Jongho looks up to find Wooyoung narrowing his eyes at the younger, “Were you ignoring Yeosang because you thought we were together?”
Jongho blushes immediately and looks back down to his pile of clothes as Wooyoung bursts out into another fit of giggles.
“You are such an idiot,” he laughs.
------
Jongho told a few of his members that he was planning to tell Yeosang today. He got many encouragements and ‘I believe in you’s from the other boys, which made him feel a little better about the whole thing.
He knew if he told other people that he was really doing it, he couldn’t exactly back out without the others whining at him (which Jongho can’t stand).
So, that’s how he finds himself in his and Yeosang’s room, picking at his nails while occasionally glancing at Yeosang who’s in his own bed, watching something on his phone.
Jongho closes his eyes for a second before opening them back up, standing to his feet and confidently (read, nervously) walking towards Yeosang.
The older notices the movement and looks up curiously, watching Jongho until he joins Yeosang on his bed.
Neither of them say anything, instead, Jongho takes Yeosang’s phone from his hand, places it on the bedside table and pulls Yeosang closer by his hands so that the two boys are sitting next to each other.
Jongho realises the close proximity and his heart skips a beat before he shakes it off and decides that today he will ignore all that, so he doesn’t chicken out again.
Yeosang looks surprised and his gaze is careful, assessing the situation. Jongho smiles a little to assure him that everything is okay, and the older seems to relax a little, giving a tiny cute smile back.
Jongho knows he wants to see that smile every day for the rest of his life, he wants to be the reason for that smile, so he has to do this.
Jongho looks down and sees his hands still holding Yeosang’s. He doesn’t want to let go, so he keeps them there and looks back up at Yeosang’s face whose gaze had followed Jongho’s down to their connected hands, and Jongho spots the older boys crimson cheeks. ‘Cute,’ Jongho thinks.
“I want to tell you something,” Jongho says, causing Yeosang to look back up at his face. The smaller-looking boy doesn’t make a move to disconnect their hands either, and Jongho takes that as encouragement.
“You know the other day when I told you that there’s this pretty boy who I think I have a huge crush on?” Jongho says and Yeosang’s eyes widen for a moment, Jongho almost misses it. The older boy nods and Jongho continues.
“I lied to you then,” Jongho says, “I already knew I wasn’t straight, and I knew I had a crush on him.” Yeosang’s face morphs into one of slight confusion.
“Why did you ask, then?” he questions.
“Well,” Jongho starts, “I wanted to see what you would say. Or how you would react,” he says the last part nearly in a whisper.
Yeosang eyes him for a moment. “You … wanted to know how I would react? Did you think that I’d hate you for not being straight or something?” Yeosang asks and Jongho bursts out in laughter. He continues laughing for a few more seconds before looking at Yeosang who is definitely confused now.
“Now I know how the others felt when they talked to me,” Jongho says between giggles.
“Jongho, why are you telling me this? I’m not sure your crushes are very important information to me.”
“This one is. Because he’s one of our members.”
Yeosang’s face displays an emotion Jongho can’t quite place, but it doesn’t look like a happy one. Jongho doesn’t know what Yeosang is thinking, but he’s sure that the older still hasn’t taken the hint. Jongho sighs.
“Who is it?” Yeosang asks before Jongho can speak again.
“Think about it,” Jongho says, “He’s the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen,” Jongho inches a little closer to Yeosang, “He’s someone I spend a lot of time with,” he moves even closer, “And every time I look at him I can’t help but feel like my heart will beat out of my chest,” Jongho finishes, and inches impossibly closer to Yeosang’s face – close enough to see every detail from his stunning eyes and soft eyelashes to his birthmark to his beautiful lips.
He hears and feels Yeosang’s breath hitch before the older takes a deep breath.
“What do you think I should do?” Jongho asks and Yeosang closes his eyes for a couple of seconds, before opening them back up again and giving Jongho a look that he has never seen before.
“I think you should act on your feelings,” Yeosang whispers and that’s all Jongho needs to hear before closing the tiny gap between their lips and stealing Yeosang’s breath.
The kiss is soft, gentle and careful, and Jongho pulls away after a few seconds to make sure Yeosang is really okay with this. He ignores the way his stomach feels like it’s being turned inside out, his heart beating so hard he thinks it might fail any second, and his brain short-circuiting fifty times over.
Yeosang’s eyes remain closed for a few seconds after the kiss and he slowly opens them to meet Jongho’s eyes. Yeosang looks fucking beautiful.
“That felt better than I imagined,” Yeosang breathes and Jongho’s breath catches in his throat.
“Better than you imagined?” he asks in disbelief, “You imagined this?”
“Jongho I’ve had the fattest crush on you for months. I’ve pictured this happening a thousand different ways, but this is by far the best one,” Yeosang smiles and Jongho can’t believe what he’s hearing.
“I am so stupid,” the younger breathes out and Yeosang laughs.
“You’re not the one who was hopelessly crushing on a straight guy,” the smaller boy says.
“Wasn’t that hopeless after all,” Jongho smiles and Yeosang giggles. Fuck, he’s cute.
“Please kiss me again,” Yeosang whispers and Jongho closes the gap between them once again, sighing softly at the contact and bringing his hands up to cup Yeosang’s face.
This is the best day of Jongho’s life. Yeosang thinks it’s the best day of his.
------
“You ignored me because of Wooyoung?!” Yeosang exclaims in disbelief jumping up from his spot on Jongho’s lap.
“In my defence, it all looked sketchy,” Jongho says sheepishly, "Besides, if that couple of idiots had told me about how you felt since they knew the whole time, that wouldn't have happened," the youngest sighs, referring to Hongjoong and Seonghwa. Jongho had earlier found out they knew Yeosang liked him since the very beginning.
Jongho hopes they both find some great legos to destroy their feet.
“I can’t believe you let me sit there and think I did something wrong that whole time when really you had some baseless theory that I was fucking Wooyoung,” Yeosang’s face turns into a pout.
“It’s even funnier because that morning we were talking about Yeosang’s big ass crush on you,” Wooyoung, who’s sitting on the other side of the living room couch, snickers.
“How was I supposed to know that?!” Jongho exclaims, morphing his face into a frown, to which Yeosang coos muttering ‘so cute’ as he sits back down on Jongho’s lap. Jongho pulls the boy closer as if to prove that he’s Jongho’s. Yeosang giggles at the action.
“You’re all absolute idiots,” Hongjoong states as he walks into the room, Seonghwa in tow.
“Hey! Don’t drag me into this, I’m an innocent bystander!” Wooyoung argues and the other four boys give him looks of disbelief.
“So, how is it going with San then?” Seonghwa asks, a smirk on his face. Wooyoung shrinks into himself.
“Shut up,” he mutters, and the boys laugh.
As if on cue, San walks into the room. “Yo,” he plops down on one of the living room chairs, “What are we talking about?”
“Funny you should ask…” Seonghwa says and Wooyoung groans.
Jongho can’t focus on the rest of the bickering of his members, he’s too busy watching Yeosang, his boyfriend Yeosang, sitting in his lap, laughing along with the other’s words – he focuses on the way his eyes sparkle, the way his lips curve into a smile, the way there isn’t a single flaw on the older boy’s face.
He watches Yeosang’s hair bounce softly along with his giggles, and he can’t resist running his hand through it – so he does. Yeosang looks down at Jongho with a soft smile, leaning into the touch.
The older boy leans down and places a soft kiss on Jongho’s cheek, Jongho then turning his head and capturing Yeosang’s lips on his. He feels just as many, if not more, sparks as he did the first time, and he smiles into the kiss.
The two boys can hear the others exclaiming ‘get a room’ and ‘oh god, please stop’, but the couple ignores them, concentrating only on the kiss. They pull away and smile at each other, before Yeosang gives Jongho a small peck on the nose, and turns back to join the conversation again.
Jongho has never been happier.