Chapter Text
I think too much
I do too much
I fall too much
I fail too much
⁂
“It was just a shadow at the corner of my eyes.” Janeway massaged her temple, a headache hanging over her like a bad dream. “I prefer not to involve security. The crew is edgy enough without the news I’ve seen an apparition doing the rounds.”
Chakotay swiped his PADD. “Nothing unusual on both external and internal sensors. Seems nobody has outstayed their welcome on the ship since the Hirogen three months ago, and the Borg drones earlier this year.”
Janeway didn’t let her internal flinch reach her face. The Hirogen’s ‘overstay’ had been a nightmare, but more painful still was the memory of her first officer reneging on the alliance she’d forged with the Borg to fight Species 8472. Much had been lost during those few days, and her wounds run deep, hidden from sight and yet to heal. But that was not the here and now. Today, they had another foe to face—one dangerous nebula large enough to stop the ship in its tracks.
“It might be advisable to postpone our crossing until we find out what's going on,” Chakotay added, lifting his eyes to meet hers with equanimity.
At least he wasn’t suggesting she should go and see the Doctor. She took a sip of her coffee to mask her unease. They had more serious problems to deal with than the faint silhouette she’d seen outside her quarters at 0300. Early the day before, the ship had barely entered the vast nebula spread across more than a hundred light years ahead when excruciating pain and shocking burns had struck the crew. It had been their first and only warning, forcing them to retreat out of reach of the deadly radiation the cloud of gases emitted. Too late to save Ensign Platt however, another casualty to add to the long list for the year. Many more decades of the same and there would be nobody left alive on Voyager.
Ghosts, all of them, haunting a derelict ship.
With a shudder, Janeway brushed the horrific vision aside. “We can’t afford to delay our passage for something that trivial while the nebula is getting larger every day we wait. For all I know, it’s a lingering effect from our first attempt to enter the gas cloud.”
Chakotay nodded. “Nobody else has reported seeing anything strange, but I’ll ask Tuvok to discreetly double the security rounds in case it’s more than a ghost.”
“Good idea. Thank you.” She watched him take a deep breath, as if bracing himself. It wasn’t a phantom that worried him. “Something else?”
“I understand why you don’t want to lose months going around that nebula, but letting Seven loose on the ship while the entire crew is in stasis worries me. The EMH will be no match for her if she goes…rogue.” He gave a small smile as if to excuse his poor choice of words.
Janeway put her cup down too hard, and coffee splashed over the rim. “You’ll have to trust me on that. She will not betray us. A gut feeling, if you will.”
Seven’s presence on Voyager was still a bone of contention within the command team. Despite numerous setbacks, Janeway was committed to seeing Seven become a fully fledged member of the crew, while Chakotay remained wary of the young woman’s loyalty, quite unjustifiably in Janeway’s opinion.
A bone of contention rooted in an act of betrayal.
She wondered if she would have been so confident if their roles had been reversed. If her first officer had been the one to bring Seven on board. If he had been the one to take care of her and decide a former Borg drone should be in charge of the ship less than a year later, with no other oversight than an EMH vulnerable to hacking.
Or, maybe, Kathryn thought with a sharp pang in her chest, she was the one trying to justify her own decisions, second-guessing herself at every turn.
Seemingly oblivious to her turmoil, Chakotay continued, pulling at his ear. “I am more concerned about her capacity to handle being alone for a whole month. Perhaps more if the nebula is even larger than what the sensors are showing. She’s gotten used to a collective of a hundred of minds around her. Finding herself separated from her support system might be too much to endure.”
“I’ve talked to her about those very same issues, and she assured me she would adapt to the situation. I’ve also made it clear she will answer to the Doctor at all times until the ship is on the other side of that nebula and the crew is revived.”
Chakotay stood. “That's good enough for me,” he said with no hesitancy in his voice.
Janeway let her relief sink it. Putting Seven in charge had been another decision she’d made without seeking her first officer’s input. But there he was, bringing his concerns to her as befitted his role, and setting them aside as if her responses were logical and reasonable. She didn’t want him to think she was dismissing his disquiet, though. “I’ve asked the Doctor to do more research on immunising us against the subnucleonic radiation the nebula is emitting. He’ll present his findings at the senior officers’ meeting in the morning.”
“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Chakotay took his leave, his demeanour disclosing nothing more than quiet acceptance of her orders.
Janeway’s headache didn’t improve.
⁂
After a few hours spent in engineering, Janeway retreated to her quarters feeling like she’d been through fifteen rounds in a boxing ring. Preparing the ship for the journey ahead was no picnic, and tiredness weighed on her more than usual.
“Well, you aren’t getting any younger, Kathryn. Get used to it,” she said to the reflection looking back at her from the depths of the mirror with slumped shoulders and shadows under the eyes. She’d been exhausted before after too many long shifts, but rarely this insidious bone-heavy fatigue.
It wasn’t just her body that was dead-tired. Her soul had been weary ever since the whole messy affair over the Borg. Chakotay had dared go back on the alliance she’d forged with the collective while she was incapacitated. He had defied her expressed orders and spaced the drones. It was no wonder he didn’t trust the only survivor.
The worst part was that she did respect his right as acting captain to go a different path if he thought the ship was in danger. Even if it had been a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree backflip on her original decision. So, why couldn’t she stop revisiting their conversation in sickbay when she had pleaded with him to persevere with her plan, and he had gone back on her agreement? And her words once the whole fracas had ebbed: What's important is that in the end we got through this, together. Why did they ring so hollow? Why had she expected words alone would erase the wrenching sensation tearing at her?
She couldn’t help thinking another confrontation like they’d had over the alliance with the Borg, and the two of them would fly apart, this time irremediably. But she had not wanted to be the one to light the fuse. Instead, she’d left him in the dark more often than was right. Giving holodeck technology to the Hirogen. Shutting him out of the Omega directive until it was almost too late. Throwing the ship into twin pulsars. Nothing that couldn’t be justified by the circumstances she’d found herself chin deep each time. And for all intents and purposes, Chakotay had supported her on every occasion after the fact, but would his equanimity last? How long before he would go against her once more?
She finished her quick toilette, ignoring the lure of a hot bath for the promise of sleep, which did not come easily, her thoughts running in circles for hours.
Seven had filled most of her waking moments, to educate, guide, and at times contain over the year. Her evening dinners with Chakotay had taken a back seat until they had disappeared altogether. Even their immediate rapport while he’d been Captain Miller during the Hirogen hunting scenario had felt wrong. One could not, should not, take advantage of a situation where he had no memories of himself. And yet, she had been so close to falling into that trap.
Instead, they had drifted apart, and although he had been nothing but professional since the Borg, she kept watching him for any sign of covert concern about her decisions, any hint he didn’t approve of her methods. Waiting for him to raise an eyebrow à la Tuvok, take her aside and warn her she was endangering the ship and crew under the sole pretext of getting home faster.
You're the Captain. I'm the First Officer. I'll follow your orders. That doesn't change my belief that we're making a fatal mistake.
Tell her, point blank, that she was wrong.
When that prospect hadn’t arisen, she caught herself over-thinking all the options, weighing the pros and cons in her mind until nothing made sense and the path ahead was no clearer. The captain found herself in need of a guide, and Kathryn in want of a friend, to no avail.
She was truly alone, and by her own doing.
⁂
“How are you going with the bioneural gel packs?” Janeway asked the Chief Engineer seated with the other senior officers.
“My team has finished erecting shielding around each one, but they’ll need to be monitored on a daily basis.”
“Doctor, that will be one of your primary duties, in addition to checking on the crew in the stasis chambers. Seven will have her hands full with navigation and engineering matters.”
The EMH grimaced. “Captain, I’m afraid my initial analysis that Seven of Nine would not be affected by the nebula radiation proved to be premature. The radiation did alter the neurotransmitter levels in Seven’s sensory nodes the same way it impacted on normal biological synaptic relays. It just took longer for her to become sick than the rest of the crew.”
Janeway’s face fell. “Are you saying that nobody can remain awake, except for you? What about your research on a preventative treatment?”
“I have tested the whole crew. Unfortunately, the inoculation I have devised will work on very few of them.”
That sounded better. “Who are they?”
“Third class crewmen McCormack and Fhaolain, Ensign Yenator, and yourself, Captain. Due to a common Irish ancestry, the four of you possess a rare pre-Celtic allele which enhances the effect of the inoculation. Without that gene, it’s about as useful as injecting you with saline.”
“That’s excellent news. When can you start the injections?”
“It’s not that simple, Captain. The compound needs to be closely tailored to the individual’s genetic markers. I have manufactured the basic ingredients, but it will take me several days to customise enough doses to protect all four of you for a month.”
Janeway’s hopes of leading a small team for the duration of their journey through the nebula vanished as quickly as they had arisen. “We can't wait any longer, and I won’t ask a third-class crewman or an Ensign to be in charge of the entire ship by themselves. I’ll take Seven’s place and fly the ship through the nebula with your help, Doctor, while the rest of the crew will go in stasis as planned. Chakotay—”
“Captain, I can’t guarantee the inoculation will reverse the cumulative damage to some body structures. The lining of the lungs is particularly sensitive to subnucleonic radiation.”
“Then we’ll enhance the radiation filters on the bridge and in Engineering, and I’ll wear a face mask with a converter elsewhere, Doctor. Won’t be the first time.” Shutting down his disapproval with a glare, she turned to face the other people in the room. “Commander, prepare the crew for stasis. B’Elanna, I want you to send me the schematics of the gel pack shielding to my ready room console, so I can familiarise myself with them. We’ve got twelve hours to get ready. Dismissed.”
Chakotay left with the other senior officers, never once looking concerned at the change of plan. Once upon a time, he would have raised hell, but not today. Not anymore.
Sinking back in her chair, she pinched the bridge of her nose. One thing was certain, spending a month alone would help clear her thoughts about what she was expecting of her first officer.