Work Text:
Who left the door open
Who left me outside
I’m on my knees and I‘m hoping
Chan’s heart feels tight. Strings wound tightly enough to break soon.
He shudders on a heaving breath, further curling in on himself on the bed he’s laying on. Is it his own? Woojin’s? He doesn’t know.
“Chan? Can I talk to you for a second?”
Chan turns his swivel chair around and removes his headphones, smiling up at Woojin. He’s alone in the studio – as always if it’s this late. He thought he was the only one left in the building and the others would have long left for the dorms.
Apparently not.
“Sure, hyung. What’s up?”
Woojin wrings his hands together, hesitating before he sighs and enters the studio, closing the door behind him and walking to sit on one of the black seats behind Chan’s chair.
“I…” He stops, dragging his hand down his face. “God, this is hard.”
Chan frowns. A bad feeling rises in his chest and he has to hold himself together to not let his strain show in his voice. “Woojin? Is everything okay?”
Woojin looks up at him. He smiles, but tears are shining in his eyes. “I…Channie, I can’t go on. I’ve…I’ve talked to JYP-hyung…I’ve ended my contract with JYP-Entertainment.” He stops again.
“I will leave Stray Kids.”
Chan grasps the pillow between his cold hands, presses it against his face and lets out a scream. Tears are soaking the fabric soon enough, he’s a little worried it will tear due to his unrelenting grip.
But to be honest…he wants to rip apart everything in his room. He wants to let out his feelings on something – and given that he’s not alone at the dorm currently, that’s not possible.
He hasn’t told the rest about Woojin’s decision. Not yet. And he has asked Woojin to not tell the other’s too – to wait until after Double Knot.
They have a comeback right around the corner – even if it’s not a full album it’s still a lot of work promotion-wise and the kids don’t need to deal with that stress right now.
It doesn’t matter that Chan isn’t capable of dealing with it too.
Woojin has told him that he will stay in the group until after they’ve released Double Knot, that he will stay for the first promotions but not for long anymore. They have time to say goodbye – time to come to terms with the fact that now happened what Chan thought he would never have to face another time.
His mind wanders back to the survival show, back to when JYP told Minho he wouldn’t be continuing with the group.
Chan’s body shakes through another violent sob, he doesn’t even remember to keep quiet because he’s not alone, for fuck’s sake.
Back then, he had felt like he had forsaken Minho, had forsaken him for not taking care enough of him, for not training him enough, for not making sure he was fit enough for the evaluation.
It doesn’t come close to how his heart had been ripped out of his chest when Felix had to leave.
A reminder of his home, another soul from the country Chan had to leave behind at such a young age, someone who got close to Chan so freaking fast…Chan wasn’t prepared to let him go.
But he got them both back again and they had been able to debut as nine.
Nine or none.
Nine or none.
Stray Kids won’t be the same without Woojin.
Without their eldest, without their main vocalist, without his angelic voice, without his calming presence, able to solve most of the kids’ fights in the span of a few hours.
How will he go on?
How will they go on?
Chan doesn’t know.
He never thought it would come this far…They had managed to debut as nine, they should have stayed like that. A star has been ripped from the constellation – it’s incomplete now.
But…it had been Woojin’s own decision.
Chan should have seen more, should have seen what had happened to bring him to leave their group, their family, their dream behind.
There’s a point where he doesn’t have any tears left to give and just sniffles into the soaked pillow cradled to his chest.
He looks up, trying to discern the voices bleeding through the walls.
A thought breaks through that makes a whimper fall from his lips.
He’s not ready to be the eldest of the group. He’s not ready to be the hyung the kids look up to, he’s not ready to not have another person he can rely on, another person he can show weakness in front of-
He’s not ready.
He probably never will be.
The thought hurts…everything hurts and Chan just really…wants to hug someone right now. He needs comfort.
The sun shines into the window – it’s much too bright and nice outside for the storm of feelings thundering through Chan.
Woojin is back at the company again – he hasn’t talked to Chan since he came to tell him about his decision the previous evening.
He can hear Jisung and Hyunjin in the kitchen, various sounds of indignation and raised voices make him think he should take a look before they burn anything down.
Chan sits up, scrubbing at his eyes to dry the last tears away.
He grabs his phone, opens their group chat.
Dad-hyung
Who’s at home rn?
Aussieboo
Mee! And Sungie!
Lixie
I and Innie are watching TV – wanna come too, hyung?
Chan thinks about the offer before sighing and placing his phone on the nightstand again. He stands up, slowly walking outside and pulling up the hood of his sweater. His socks don’t make any noise as he taps through the dorm towards the kitchen. He hears the sounds of the TV, probably a drama they have missed to catch up on.
God, how happy he is that they have a day off for once.
Jisung and Hyunjin don’t see him entering, they keep on bickering, laughing about something they’re cooking on the stovetop.
Chan swallows as he sees Jisung, slowly walking up to him and pulling him against his chest, hiding his face against his neck, not missing how Jisung stiffens as he squeaks in surprise.
“Hyung, hey!” He laughs lightly and pats the hands on his stomach, but the grin gets wiped from his face as Chan tightens his grip.
“Chan-hyung…?”, Hyunjin carefully tries, the mood changing into something more serious. “Are you okay?”
Chan doesn’t trust his voice to answer and simply shakes his head.
Jisung is so warm and there and comforting- and he feels like crying again.
The two rappers must have communicated without Chan knowing because Jisung gently pulls away from his embrace, takes his hand. “Come.” His voice is so gentle, so soft.
Rubbing his eyes again, Chan follows where Jisung leads him – into his empty room where he walks to his bed and sinks into it, pulling Chan down with him and against his chest again.
Immediately, Chan latches on to him and hides his face in his sweater as the tears come again.
Jisung doesn’t ask what happened. His gentle fingers start to tangle into Chan’s hair, scratching his scalp and playing with the blonde strands.
Chan feels scared…so scared.
So scared to lose the rest of them too.
So scared…that he will end up alone.
That someone holds me tonight…
Hold me tonight.
“Outside” – Hollywood Undead.