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Somewhere between the first time he heard Dazai’s laugh— a light sound that made his heart float, the sound of his laugh as soft as a cloud, the gentle touches— so casual as if they were second nature to Dazai like they had known each other for years, Atsushi lost himself in Dazai.
At times, he couldn't stand the man. Dazai was obnoxious at best, cocky, cunning, calculated but reckless— there's a million ways to describe him, he's put together like the most complex rubix cube anyone's ever seen but Atsushi wanted to solve it so badly.
Dazai was a million times deeper than what he let show on the surface covered by a happy-go-lucky veil. The paths of his mind twisted and intertwined like a labyrinth, each corner with its own trap, a warning to stay back despite the warm and inviting outside.
Atsushi was a stubborn person though. He wanted to know Dazai; to understand him and the way he was wired, to find out little quirks about the man that no one else knew. Despite the warnings, the walls Dazai kept built up, Atsushi pushed and pushed and pushed.
One day, that wall cracked, allowing Atsushi to take his peeks at sides of Dazai that Dazai himself never allowed people to see.
The lingering touches, fingertips brushing against him when the touch left, the gaze Dazai gave him whether people were in the room or not, the hint of something gentle, wanting, hidden away in the depths of chocolate eyes. The murmurs of their own conversations lost in their own little world told over Atsushi’s shoulders as Dazai stood a little too close behind him.
It made Atsushi’s head spin.
The closer he became to Dazai, the more the labyrinth shifted, changed, sometimes he found himself back in the same spot he was before, sometimes he's so close to reaching that end he desperately wants he can see it.
But if he were to be sincere, he doesn't even know why he wants it so badly.
Why does he want to be so close to Dazai? Why does he find himself chasing after the warmth against his back when Dazai walks away, wanting to hear the laughter that makes his stomach flutter and his chest feel like it's in bloom, and have Dazai look at him with that fond smile, sharp corners of his eyes that seemed to soften along with it, with such a gentle yet strong look in his eyes it made Atsushi want to melt into the ground.
Atsushi wanted Dazai.
And even though no words were ever exchanged between the two about anything more than work or silly gossip, Atsushi knew Dazai wanted him too. Well, not necessarily knew but he could take a hint, he thought.
Or he thought maybe he was reading too much into everything, maybe Dazai just had too big of a soft spot for him. Atsushi was his subordinate after all, Dazai was supposed to be nothing more than his mentor, and despite the amount of too-close-calls with death lead by the man of the hour—
It made Atsushi’s head spin . Just the mere mention of Dazai made his brain go hazy.
So instead of swallowing down his fears and confronting Dazai, he gave Dazai the same treatment. Confronting Dazai also meant confronting his own feelings and if he was honest, he wasn't ready to deal with them yet.
Time passed slowly, days turned into weeks. The brush of a hand turned into Dazai’s thumb gently kneading the flesh of wherever his hand was—usually Atsushi’s shoulders. Even though the touch relaxed his body, it made his mind race. Atsushi leaned into the radiating warmth from Dazai, every accidentally bump into each other made his whole body jolt.
Still, no words were ever exchanged between the two. Atsushi got to a point where he just wanted to grab Dazai’s stupidly handsome face and kiss his stupidly pretty lips, tired of the dreams of Dazai pulling him in for a kiss that kept him awake some nights. Sometimes he woke up with an arm draped across the empty side of his bed, hand yearning to feel the warmth of skin and a resting heartbeat underneath his fingers.
He was too anxious to ever overstep that line he drew though, no matter how badly his body itched to when Dazai was close enough to smell the musky cologne lingering on his clothes. He wondered if Dazai wanted to do the same sometimes.
It was almost a year before either of the two pushed the invisible boundaries, ones they set themselves.
Surprisingly, Dazai was the first to crack.
The first time Dazai ever touched him more than a head pat, a shoulder rub— something that had a little more meaning behind it; it scared the shit out of him.
It was nothing more than a brush of a knuckle right across his cheekbone, a touch so light he wouldn't have believed it happened had Dazai not given him a look so indescribable. Atsushi knew his cheeks were flushed dark and his eyes were ready to pop out of their sockets. And it was probably funny as hell to Dazai, that asshole.
Atsushi felt like he couldn't swallow, his breath stopped in his chest for what felt like an eternity. He only let the breath out when Dazai walked away seconds after, ghost of a little grin across his lips.
Atsushi had never wanted to punch someone in the face so much before.
Dazai was an absolute bastard sometimes. Most of the time, truthfully. But the way he said Atsushi’s name in ways that made his heart grow three sizes too big for his chest kind of canceled it out.
He's in too deep and he's starting to struggle for air.
Then it was a few more weeks, hell, could've been a couple of months until Dazai cracks again, in speech this time.
“Atsushi-kun,” He had said, catching him right before he turned to leave, everyone else already filing out and leaving them alone. “I hope we’re not wasting time.”
Dazai left before Atsushi could even fully process the words.
It took him longer than he’d like to admit to understand what Dazai had told him, a few days at least. It suddenly became clear to him Dazai really did have the same intentions as him, that Dazai felt the same.
They'd already wasted too much time, though, both of their own fears and thoughts keeping them from overstepping any of their own boundaries.
Atsushi then realized there was nothing but themselves stopping them. They were both completely aware of their own feelings but too unsure of the others to ever move forward, in the end wasting so much time anyways. But it took Dazai being the first to really say something for it to sink in, that Dazai was having the same thoughts too.
He recalled all the missed opportunities. All the times he had Dazai alone when he should've said something, should've done something. The amount of times he had the chance to grab Dazai by the collar and pull him down for a kiss was truly saddening. But at the same time, Dazai had the same opportunities. It made him want to stomp on his foot and then kiss his dumb handsome face.
He tried not to dwell on it though, deciding the next time they had even a second together he’d finally do something. What he'd do he had no idea; he would figure out when he got there.
And that time comes just two days later, where Atsushi finds himself standing outside in the warm summer night. Dazai wasn't but mere inches from him, small of his back pressed against the railing as his hands rested on the metal. The moonlight illuminated the crown of his hair softly and whenever Dazai would tip his head back catching the same glow on his face, he looked almost ethereal.
They're in their own little world, chatting about nothing while Atsushi enjoys the air, a little damp on his skin from the incoming rain. Every so often, he’ll look to Dazai and find himself always staring at his lips.
It occurs to him how damn easy it would be for him to kiss Dazai right now. The itch starts slowly, the urge to just grab that bolo tie and pull him in to kiss him breathless.
Something in his brain screams: Right now.
Despite all the nerves in his body suddenly feeling like they're on fire, he stays calm. Well, as calm as he can manage.
A silence settles between them and for a moment, Atsushi weighs his options. What's the worst that could happen? He hopes the worst is that Dazai gets upset he didn't make the first move after so long.
“Dazai-san,” He says, voice quiet, a little wavering. He spikes up the courage to turn his head in Dazai’s direction, already finding brown eyes on his. He fights off the intense urge to look away as soon as their eyes meet even though he can feel the heat creeping up his neck and up his cheeks. He’ll be damned if he gives in, even a little.
“Yeah?” Is the only response he gets. Dazai sounds a little expectant, like he’s aware of Atsushi’s current intentions. It's both comforting and scary. Dazai just knows too much.
“I want you to kiss me.” The words leave his mouth before he even realizes it, now they hang in the air but the breeze still moves.
Dazai doesn't respond, instead a smile curls up the corners of lips. Atsushi’s body turns to stone as he watches Dazai move, the gap between them coming to a close. Thin fingers come up just under Atsushi’s chin, tilting his head upwards and ultimately forcing his gaze to meet Dazai’s. He wonders if Dazai can feel how hard he's trying to swallow down his nerves.
His brain is rushing with a million thoughts and questions, too aware of every little movement, every time Dazai’s eyes flicker down to Atsushi’s barely parted lips screaming at him to just kiss him already .
Dazai leans in with no rush, the hand on Atsushi’s chin moving to cup the side of his face. He finds himself melting under the touch, any tension left in body disappearing despite the fact Dazai’s hand was cooling against his flushed skin.
Atsushi’s eyes flutter shut as Dazai’s lips connect to his in a soft, tender kiss that makes his knees feel like they'll give out at any second. His lips are warm, soft and fit nicely against his own, Atsushi thinks undoubtedly he's going to enjoy kissing Dazai in the future.
It was only a short kiss, and over before Atsushi even had the chance to thoroughly savor it, lashes slowly separating as his eyes open. Dazai has hardly moved, still close enough for their noses to occasionally brush.
Neither of them speak, not wanting to break the moment between them, but the look in Dazai’s eyes is telling Atsushi everything he wants to hear. All his questions answered, his anxieties comforted, his doubts reassured.
He's finally made his way through the labyrinth of Dazai’s mind and this was his reward for saving the damsel in distress at the center of it all.
“You know we did waste a lot of time.” Atsushi is the first to break the silence, voice a whisper that's carried by the light breeze.
Dazai laughs, light and breathy. He doesn't say anything at first, instead he presses another light kiss to Atsushi’s lips who's more than happy for another kiss.
“We won’t get it back, but we can still make up for it, if you want.” Dazai murmurs. Atsushi can hear the little hesitation in his voice.
“Of course I do, Dazai-san.” Atsushi speaks softly, his voice comforting. “Do you think I'd wait over a year for this just to shoot you down?”
“Humans are strange creatures sometimes.” Dazai says simply, the hand still resting on Atsushi's cheek gliding up, threading his fingers through his hair. “I knew you wouldn't, I just wanted to hear you say it.”
“Say what?”
“That you'd finally be mine.”
Atsushi looks up at Dazai, the realization hitting him slowly, but all at once. Something unfamiliar brews in his chest, heart thudding against his rib cage.
Mine .
Arms wind around the middle of Dazai’s torso, Atsushi’s head fitting perfectly right under his chin as he rests his head on his chest. He buries his face into Dazai’s clothes, breathing in the scent while his fingers knot into the fabric of Dazai’s coat, wanting to hold him as close as possible now that he's really got Dazai.
He feels right at home in Dazai’s arms, like this was the place he should've been the whole time, where he was meant to be long ago. A place where he feels protected, cared for, and loved for once. But time doesn't matter to him anymore, as long as he has Dazai.