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“No, Bev, I don't want to go see Richie. I don't care it's the last show of his tour. I don't care it's in town. It has been for the past four days, you know.”
“I know,” Beverly sighed, “and I don't care about those days. I care about today, about tonight. I've got tickets to go and see him, to support him, and you're coming with me.”
Eddie crossed his arms. “I don't want to talk to him, Beverly. We haven't spoken in months, and I don't want the first time to be like this. I don't want to fight at a theatre.”
“I never said you had to talk to him. He won't even know you're there if you don't want him to.”
Eddie narrowed his eyes as a thought came to him.
“Does Richie know you're going?”
“Nope,” Beverly smiled. “I was going to surprise him backstage afterwards, but if I don't, or go alone, even, he'll never know.”
“But won't he see you in the audience?” Eddie asked, slightly warming up to the idea but being wary. It seemed like Bev was holding something back on him. She was being too antsy, too pushy to get him to go. It wasn't like her.
Beverly shook her head, a bright smile still on her face.
“The seats are located in a place he can't possibly distinguish from up there. If he saw me in the audience the surprise would be ruined, wouldn't it?”
Eddie nodded slowly. That sounded plausible enough, but still he was suspicious. Then it hit him.
“Why do you have two tickets? It's been sold out since ten minutes after they went on sale.”
“I was supposed to go with Ben,” Beverly shrugged.
Eddie waited for her to go on.
“Ben saw Richie when he was in Chicago for opening night and told me I should take you instead.”
“And you agreed!? That was right after I told Richie I needed a break, Bev!” Eddie shouted. “Why would you think I'd go with you?”
“I didn't, that's why I didn't tell you until now. Ben was very insistent, however, so here I am. I will bodily drag you to the theatre if you don't come willingly, Kaspbrak.” Beverly's voice was like steel. It took Eddie aback.
“Why?” he insisted.
Beverly fidgeted and Eddie realized she knew something he didn't and that she wasn't about to tell him.
“If Richie put you up to this, so he can make some kind of grand gesture at the show or whatever, I don't want to hear it. He tried that before, remember? We had a huge fight about it, because, hey, guess what, a guy doesn't like it when his husband is trying to apologize on stage without mentioning he's apologizing to his husband and not just pretending to apologize to some friend named Beverly in a sketch, who'd've thought!?” Eddie spat.
“Eddie, you know I still haven't forgiven him for that. I had no idea. And I promise you,” at this she took his hands from underneath his arms, speaking softly, yet firm, “Richie has nothing to do with this. He has no idea. Just, please, come to his show with me.”
Eddie hung his head.
“But what if I can't handle seeing him? What if seeing him, like that... I don't know what that would do to me. I'm scared it'll hurt too much. I'm scared I'll scream out of anger. I'm scared-” he broke off.
“You'll miss him,” Beverly finished for him, smiling sadly. “I know, and we can leave during interval if you really want to, but Ben said that you should try to stay.”
“I still don't get it,” Eddie groaned, pulling back his hands and rubbing his arms, too many feelings crawling around in his chest, too many for him to push down. He covered his face with his hands.
“I'm sorry,” Beverly apologized and Eddie looked up. The sincerity in her face was so real, there was no way there was any malice behind this plan. No way this was something Richie had set up. So he took a breath.
“I'll get changed. Give me 10 minutes.”
Walking up to the theatre had Eddie feeling almost nauseous with dread. He had spent the last few months without speaking to Richie, without seeing him, and he hadn't been following any of the news since the tour started. He couldn't handle it, it was too much. And now here he was, for some unknown reason, about to attend the thing that had broken them apart.
“It'll be okay,” Beverly reassured him as she squeezed his arm, leading him up the steps into the building.
She showed the doorman their tickets and in a daze Eddie followed her to their seats, relieved to see that Beverly had not lied. There was no way Richie would see and recognize them here. He let out a breath and sat down, mentally bracing himself for seeing Richie again.
For seeing a Richie that is not his Richie.
For seeing a Richie that everyone seems to love but him.
The announcer's voice came from the speakers, telling everyone to turn off their phones, and to remind them that recording or taking photos was strictly forbidden.
The lights went down.
Eddie closed his eyes. Swallowed. Grabbed Beverly's hand and held tight. Beverly squeezed back and Eddie knew that she would leave with him right away if he asked her too. But he couldn't do that to her. He could at least make it through the first act.
“Ladies, gentleman, and everyone in between, please give a warm welcome, to the one and only Richie Tozier!”
The first act flew by and Richie was almost surprised to find himself walking off the stage. It had became such a routine, he was incredibly glad this was the last night, and the last time he would ever do something that was not him. He was as nervous for the second act as he was excited, his hands were shaking terribly.
“We're still doing this?” Kevin, Richie's guitarist, asked as he handed Richie a bottle of water and a towel.
Richie nodded as he took a gulp of water, cooling his throat.
“I have to. I'm so sick of this. Thanks again for helping me with this.”
“Of course, Rich.” Kevin smiled and walked off to the rest of the band to covertly switch out their sheet music.
Richie wiped his face and took out his contacts as he walked to his dressing room, dropping them in the trash. His first offense. It felt oddly freeing. Like he was truly doing the right thing. A small, tentative smile curved his lips as he let the door fall closed behind him.
He let out a big breath and took off his clothes, throwing them in a corner haphazardly. Out of the wardrobe he pulled out a hidden bag, glad he had put his foot down that he'd be left alone during intervals or this would have become a whole lot harder. He opened the bag carefully and pulled out a new set of clothes, feeling the comfortable and familiar fabric brush against his fingers. Quickly he put on the jeans, graphic tee, and gray shirt, letting it hang open. Offenses two and three.
Richie had debated wearing one of his Hawaiian shirts but had ultimately decided against it. He wanted to be taken seriously. He needed to be. This was a huge moment for him. This could ruin everything, and at this point, he didn't even really care. There were more important things in his life, and he needed to start prioritizing them.
He put on his glasses and looking over his notes one last time, he felt the nerves rising, his chest tightening. He looked over to the note he had stuck on the back, the note with lyrics that Eddie had left him, the one that had been Eddie's final try at getting through to him after Richie had dropped the final drop into Eddie's bucket. The tour had just been the ocean to wash the entire bucket away.
It had been Eddie's birthday, and Richie had managed to get a weekend off to go and see him. Eddie had been very surprised to see him, and had tried to act as normal as possible, though the tension was choking them both. When Eddie was off to grab the menus for takeaway, Richie got a call from his manager. His heart had sank and he wished he could just ignore the call.
A party was happening in town that night, and he was needed there. Not wanted, no. Needed. Richie had done all he can to get out of it, but his manager had refused and reminded him of his contract. Richie had to go and it was breaking his heart, chipping away at his soul, knowing what it would do to Eddie.
He had wanted to scream. Especially when he got told they had rescheduled his plane for the following morning due to some interview they had booked him for last minute.
The conversation with Eddie had not been pretty. He had wanted nothing more than to wrap Eddie up in a hug, kiss him, and tell him he would stay, that he loved him, that he was sorry. But he couldn't. Nor could he tell Eddie about the specifics of his contract. They had him trapped. So he had left. Had left Eddie standing there, tears rolling down his face.
He had come home to Eddie asleep, with the couch made up for him, a piece of paper on the pillow. Richie had never felt more hollow than at that moment. He knew something had shifted and he wasn't sure if he was ready for it, or if he ever would be.
“I didn't know you had to go so soon
I thought we had a little time
Look, whatever, if you have to
Then you have to, so whatever
It's all right
We'll have tonight.
You know what makes me crazy?
I'm sorry, can I say this?
You know what makes me nuts?
The fact that we could be together here together
Sharing our night, spending our time
And you are gonna choose someone else to be with
No, you are
Yes, Richie, that's exactly what you're doing
You could be here with me or be there with them
As usual, guess which you pick!
No, Richie, you do not have to go to another party
With the same twenty jerks you already know
You could stay with your husband on his fucking birthday
And the point is, Richie
That you can't spend a day a single day
That's not about you and you and nothing but you
Marvelous performer, you!
I swear to God I'll never understand
How you can stand there, straight and tall
And see I'm crying
And not do anything at all.”
That was the moment Richie decided he needed to start doing something. It had been months in the making, fueled even more by Eddie telling him he needed some time apart. He had already laid the foundation in the original setlist of his show, and tonight, he would finally complete it.
He was terrified.
He was ready.
As he walked on stage, he could see his band give him thumbs up and encouraging nods. Richie briefly wondered if they shared any of his nerves. This could get them into serious trouble as well. Richie would never forgive himself if they lost their jobs over helping him break free.
The applause tapered off quickly as soon as they saw his altered appearance. The confusion was tangible. Richie had expected them to perhaps think he was premiering a new character for the final show, but apparently something told them it wasn't.
“Hey guys,” Richie said into the microphone, clearing his throat, rubbing his hands on his thighs. The crowd was restless, he could feel their unease. He took a deep breath. “Guess you all noticed my new attire?” He put out his hands to the side and tried for a smile.
Some confirming murmurs came back to him.
“I would like to apologize beforehand, as this second act will be like nothing I've ever done before. You are welcome to leave at any time, I won't be offended, promise,” Richie chuckled. The crowd chuckled back and Richie didn't know how to feel about them thinking he was joking.
“This will be the first time in a long time I'll be performing as myself. Because while to you the interval went by as usual, to me it was a turning point.” Now a real smile breaks out on his face. “At 8:30 this evening, my contract officially ended, which means I can now finally be myself, and let me tell you, I've got some things to say.”
Richie had never heard a full theatre be this quiet. There aren't even any coughs.
“So, long story short, the guy you've all been seeing the past few years, wasn't me. It was the me they wanted me to be, and it's been getting worse and worse over time. I've hated every second of it. I loved making people laugh,” Richie added hastily, “but I just wished I could do it the way I wanted to. I'm genuinely sorry if that makes you feel cheated. I never meant to. So like I said, feel free to leave. I'd understand.”
He waited a beat, but no one got up. No one left.
“This contract... it hasn't just been hurting me. It has hurt a lot of people around me who mean the world to me, one person in particular. The love of my life. We haven't spoken in months, and before that it was hardly any better.” Richie sighed and closed his eyes. “I've been doing a medley this entire tour, pretending it was about a past girlfriend that it didn't work out with, but tonight I can finally dedicate it, and the rest of the second act, to the person I love, and hope that it's not too late for us.”
Richie dropped his head to his chest for a second as Oliver started playing the piano behind him. He had underestimated how different it would feel to sing this song for real. His heart ached and he could already feel tears gathering in his eyes. He missed Eddie so much he couldn't even begin to put it into words, and it was all his fault.
He took a breath and looked up.
“Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I have to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Ask me your questions, tell me your secrets
Oh take me back to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start”
Richie closed his eyes as the music changed. What he wouldn't give. He blinked a couple times to keep the tears at bay. He was surprised at how easy his emotions were spilling out.
“Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh yesterday came suddenly
Why he had to go, I don't know
He wouldn't say
I said something wrong now I long for yesterday
You are so far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place any more?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
It doesn't help to know you're just time away
Long ago I reached for you and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
Oh how I wish I could but you're so far away
Traveling around just gets me down and lonely
Nothing else to do but close my mind
I sure hope the road don't come to own me
There's so many dreams I've yet to find
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy, yesterday
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh I believe in yesterday
You're so far away
Oh take me back to the start”
Richie barely made it through the song without his voice cracking and he felt the first tears falling down his cheeks. The applause was deafening, and surprised Richie looked into the audience. He thought he saw a few people leaving, but he didn't care. They didn't all hate him. Somehow.
“Thank you,” he said, wiping his cheeks. “Expect more tears to cheer about.”
The crowd chuckled.
“You may have noticed the small change in The Beatles' 'Yesterday' there, and the reason for that is simple, even though the line is completely wrong. I know why he needed time away from me, and I don't blame him for it. He's the love of my life, and I fucked up. I signed this fucking contract, because I was naive. And when I found out what the consequences were for what I'd done, I was stuck. I couldn't get out of it, or break it, because it would financially ruin me and my husband,” some cheers, and Richie smiled, “yes we're married, though I honestly am not sure for how much longer at this point. Eddie, that's his name, would have gladly lived on the streets without any money with me if that meant me getting out, and if you knew Eddie, you'd know how massive that statement is, but I couldn't do that. So I didn't tell him.”
Richie gave a humorless chuckle.
“He doesn't know about what the contract entailed. All this time he thought I was just being an asshole who found himself and his career more important than anything else, while inside I was dying. I could not come out to the world as a bisexual man, who is so very much in love with the most wonderful guy in the world. I could not perform my own material, my own songs, whether original or covers. I had no say in dates for tours, concerts, interviews, appearances, and whatever else. I was not allowed to do anything of my own on the side. I, of course, was also not allowed to say anything about it all.” Richie could feel his voice rising, the anger getting a hold of his chest.
“They made me leave my husband on his fucking birthday, while I had fought so hard to be able to go and see him that weekend. They even made me leave early the morning after, so I really didn't get to spend any time with him at all. Who does that!?” Richie exclaimed. “And I was the asshole who went. Who left him standing there, again, crying. I could feel my heart breaking in my chest, and every day since then, pieces of my soul are just being chipped away. I feel like there's nothing left of me.” Richie grabbed his bottle of water and took a gulp. “That night, when I came home, Eddie had left me the lyrics to this song of a movie we love. That might sound ridiculous and childish, but I often respond better to music. So this next song is in reply to that, even if it is insanely dramatic and hardly fits the situation, as it seems to blame Eddie which is ridiculous. But it's from the same movie, and ironically both songs are sang by the same character, so that shows you how fucked up I am. So yeah,” Richie rubbed the back of his neck, deflating. “Here's a song about my pain even if I have no real right to it.”
“Eddie is over, and Eddie is gone
Eddie's decided it's time to move on
Eddie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
Eddie arrived at the end of line
Eddie's convinced that the problems are mine
Eddie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
What about lies, Eddie?
What about things that you swore to be true?
What about you, Eddie?
What about you?
Eddie is sure something wonderful died
Eddie decides it's his right to decide
Eddie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting
Eddie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't the change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm still hurting”
Richie was full on crying now, tears streaming steadily down his face, and he barely heard the crowd, barely even saw them stand up to give him an ovation. He covered his mouth to try and stifle his sobs because he didn't deserve any of it. They should be yelling at him.
As it quieted down he said “I can't believe you're giving me a standing ovation for a song that makes Eddie out to be the bad guy. I did everything to earn those scars. Eddie had every right to decide. Eddie has no secrets that I know of; that was me. I mean, I appreciate it, but come on guys, timing.”
The crowd chuckled and Richie gave a dry smile. He pulled off his glasses to wipe his face clean of tears and snot.
“Eddie hasn't come to see any of my shows this tour. It's closing night, in the town where we live, and he hasn't come once.” The crowd let out a collective 'aww'. “No, no,” Richie quickly refuses, “that's not me feeling sorry for myself. That's me telling you how things are. I don't even know if I'm welcome home after tonight. He was so against this tour and I agreed with him, but as I've said before, I had no choice. He told me that if I was really going through with it, I shouldn't bother calling him. That was the morning of the day I left. That was the last I heard of him. I have no idea how he's doing. He might be perfectly fine, he might be just as broken as I am. I don't know, and I am terrified to find out as both options are fucking painful.”
Richie let out a dry laugh.
“I love him so much, you don't even know. After our first date, the first thing I did upon coming home was write a song. I've been tweaking it all these years, and no one's ever heard it before. Knows of its existence. I'd love to play it for you all tonight, but I feel that Eddie should be the first one to hear it.” The crowd cheers. “He was sure we wouldn't work out, due to my college reputation which had preceded me. He held off for a long time, and I played along. Saying I promised I wouldn't fall in love with him, which always made him roll his eyes. I had in fact been in love with him since we were kids.” The crowd let out another sound and Richie chuckled, a big grin on his face. “He still doesn't know that, by the way. I never told him. It seemed... creepy, given everything that had happened. But yeah, I've been in love with him since I was 12 years old, and there has never been anyone else. I'm sure there never will be, either. He's my everything, and I can't believe I'm this close to losing him.”
Richie shook his head.
“I'm so sorry to be such a downer. I promise you all that if I ever make it onto a stage again, on my own terms, it won't be anything like this. Get used to the glasses and clothes, though. Perhaps expect some Hawaiian shirts to be thrown into the mix,” the crowd laughed and Richie loved that they thought he was joking, “because from here on out, I'm going to be myself, or I'm not going to be there at all. Thank you all so much for staying here with me, hearing me out, and for the support. It means the world to me. I hope to see you all again some time in the future, but first I have more important things to figure out. Thank you, and have a good night!”
The audience stood up as one, clapping and cheering loudly, and Richie dropped his head and smiled a small smile. He felt his band coming up to him and hugging him, and more tears sprang to his eyes. He had done it. He had actually done it. He knew he was nowhere near the end of this, but there was no going back now. Too many offenses had been made.
He'd done it, and now it was time to face the music.
Pun very much intended.
Eddie stayed rooted to his seat while the theatre emptied out slowly, Beverly by his side.
“Did you know?” he managed to get out. “Did. You. Know?” He swiveled his head around to face Beverly who was still gaping at the empty stage.
She shook her head slowly as she finally turned to him.
“Eddie,” she breathed.
“If you didn't know, then why did I need to come?” Eddie insisted, his hands trembling.
“I only knew about that one medley. Ben told me Richie did a song in the show that was clearly about you, even if he didn't say it. The rest...” Beverly shook her head again, her eyes wide.
“And the contract?”
“Are you kidding me?” Beverly snapped, coming out of her daze. “Do you honestly think I wouldn't have told you if I knew about that? That I would have let Richie do this to the both of you?”
Eddie looked down.
“I'm sorry, I just-”
“It's okay,” Beverly interrupted. “I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now. Do you want to go home?”
Eddie's mind was running a mile an hour and saying nothing at all. He was confused. He was hurt. Richie was hurt. And he loved Richie. His heart was overflowing with it. He had to see him.
“No.” He wanted to say more but his throat was closed up. Looking up into Bev's eyes told him enough, though. She knew. She understood.
“Then let's go.” She stood up and walked with him, led him out of the theatre, into the lobby, and talked to the staff to get them let in backstage and to give them directions. Eddie had never been more grateful for her.
“It's right around the corner,” Beverly said softly. “I'll wait here, okay? I'll be here if you need me.”
Eddie nodded, wringing his hands, his breath coming in short bursts.
“Thank you, Bev.”
Beverly smiled and squeezed his hand, before letting him go.
Eddie took a deep breath and took the few steps it took to get him to the door. He was about to knock when a voice reached him from the door.
“The contract is over, asshole. You got nothing on me.”
…
“Those ten days were meant for negotiating, and I'm saying I'm not negotiating for a renewal of the contract. I don't need any more time to figure that out.”
…
“Oh don't give me that crap, I had a lawyer look over the contract. I can walk away now and you can't fucking stop me.”
…
“Sue me all you want, but you ain't winning. The contract's over, I've stuck my to my end for years, even though it's been killing me, not to mention my husband. Remember him? I'll never forgive you for what you've done to him.”
…
“I don't give a shit. Do what you fucking have to. I don't care if I'll never get another contract again. I'll make my own way, and if not, at least I'll have my friends, and hopefully my husband. I don't need you. Good day, asshole.”
…
“I said good day.”
Eddie heard a deep sigh and something drop, which he assumed was Richie's phone. His heart was aching for him. What on Earth had he been going through? Alone.
He wondered if this was the right time to talk to him, but he was scared that if he didn't do it now, he'd chicken out. He had to do this now.
He took a deep breath and knocked.
“What!? Did he seriously already send someo-” the door swung open and Eddie was faced with a Richie whose face drained from anger faster than he'd ever seen before.
“Eddie?” Richie's voice came out soft and questioning, as if he couldn't believe Eddie was really here. “What are you doing here?”
Eddie had never seen Richie look so scared before.
“Beverly made me come,” he answered, waving his hands around vaguely. “I wasn't gonna talk to you, but...” Eddie broke off. “Oh Richie, why didn't you tell me?”
Richie opened and closed his mouth several times before Eddie couldn't take it anymore. He closed the distance between them and threw his arms around Richie, holding tight, tears leaking from his eyes. After a moment's hesitation he could feel Richie's long arms wrapping him up, holding him so tight Eddie feared he might not be able to breathe, but not caring one bit.
Eventually Richie let go and pushed Eddie back so he could look at him, holding his hands.
“So you heard all that, huh?”
“I did.”
“Eds, I'm so-”
“I know.”
They were quiet for a while, and Eddie could tell Richie didn't know what to do or say. That he was completely lost for words, which was unheard of. Richie always had something to say.
“Come home, Richie,” Eddie eventually said, reaching up his hand to cup Richie's face.
Richie choked out a sob and grabbed Eddie's hand, holding it in place.
“Are you sure? I mean, I'd totally understand if not, because I-” Eddie cut him off with a kiss. He could feel Richie's lips trembling against his, his weight sagging onto him. Eddie broke away, only moving far enough to look up into Richie's eyes. “I'm sure. We have a lot to talk about, and I'm sure we'll fight plenty, too, but I want you home. I don't want you away from me again any time soon.”
Richie kissed him, emotions pouring out, and Eddie felt himself melting into him. He never wanted to let Richie go again. He wanted to get closer, but he knew that if he let himself they'd end up on the crappy couch in Richie's dressing room, and that was not something he wanted to happen. They'd be home soon enough.
When Richie pulled away for air, Eddie stepped back, walking to the door.
“You get your stuff settled here, and I'll meet you back home, yeah?”
“You haven't changed the locks?” The hint of a smile ghosted over Richie's face and Eddie chuckled.
“Guess you'll find out soon enough.”
Richie grinned and walked over to Eddie to give him a firm kiss.
“I love you, Eddie.”
“I love you, too, Richie. I'll see you soon.”