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Rey sighed and opened her eyes in frustration. It should be second nature to her now, much like breathing or walking. Nothing could be farther from the truth today, as it had been in the past couple of days. And as she had done yesterday, and the days before that, she wondered again about the point of even trying. Feeling defeated, she uncrossed her legs and fell back until she was flat on her back. Her eyes roamed the canopy above her, the beauty of the purple-leafed trees distracting her for a moment. In this planet, the green trees transform into lavender during springtime, bestowing a magical feel to the place.
She closed her eyes, succumbing to the thoughts that have been thwarting her efforts to meditate. The Force Bond between her and Kylo Ren had not been severed. She thought Snoke’s demise would’ve dissolved the connection, but as she was meditating a few days ago, she suddenly felt the heart-sinking prickle in her mind. It caught her unawares, the Supreme Leader materializing in front of her before she even realized what had happened. However, before he could say a word, Rey quickly put up her defenses and cut the connection. Still, the unexpected encounter had left her disconcerted, and since then, she hasn’t been able to meditate.
Approaching footsteps drew her attention back to the present. Her ears picked up a subtle whirring sound accompanying the foot falls, relief making her face break into a smile. She did not need to reach out into the Force to know who were coming.
A few moments later, a gentle nudge on her leg prompted her to open her eyes. Turning her head slightly, she was greeted by cheerful chirps from an orange and white astromech droid. Raising her eyes a little bit, she spied the droid’s owner a few feet away, a sheepish look on his face. “Really smooth, Dameron, pretending to get BeeBee to find me.”
“He offered to take me to you,” Poe reasoned, stuffing his arms in his trouser pockets. “He overheard Leia asking me to get you. And you know how BeeBee is when he gets excited, I didn’t have the heart to tell him I knew where you were.”
BB-8’s optic sensor swiveled swiftly to the pilot. He emitted a string of colorful binary, in an admonishing tone.
“Language!” Poe and Rey both cried out at the same time. BB-8 beeped adamantly.
“You’ve been spending too much time with Artoo,” Poe said, just as Rey admonished, “Don’t talk to your master like that!”
BB-8 let out an exasperated beep. Rey pushed herself up to a sit, a small smile still on her face. Her eyes met Poe’s and she extended her hand to him just as he reached out to help her up. A year ago, she would’ve taken offense with his gesture and would most likely have brushed his hand away, seeing it as a condescending gesture. However, having spent the past year living among friends, Rey had gotten quite good in seeing amiable acts and gestures for what they are.
“Thanks,” Rey’s smile brightened as she let Poe pull her up to her feet. Her hand felt small in his, and she was reminded how much she liked how it swallowed hers. She would’ve liked to keep her hand in his, but then he gave her hand a quick squeeze and then let go.
It still astounds her how far they’ve come. Despite feeling shy around Poe at the start, and feeling an intense need to prove herself to the pilot, she couldn’t deny feeling an outright sense of comfort around him. It wasn’t easy for her to be around so many people all the time, but she found herself surprisingly less guarded around him. Around Poe, especially when they were alone, Rey did not feel the need to put her walls up. She could be herself, without fear of judgment or ridicule.
However, Rey had sensed that Poe was holding back. He was open enough to tell her stories of Black Squadron, the Resistance, his home, his childhood and even his father, but there were times when she glimpses a haunted look in his eyes. She doesn’t try to prod him, understanding that if it was her in his shoes, she wouldn’t want anyone pressing either. So she always lets it pass, until that one time when she couldn’t.
She was feeling listless that evening. She hadn’t been sleeping well, getting trapped in the same restless sleep for the past couple of nights. Her dreams were an eclectic mix of memories from her time in Jakku, Ach-To, Starkiller base and Snoke’s throne room, always making her feel more fatigued when she wakes up. She had been planning on foregoing any sleep that night, wanting to push herself to mind-numbing physical exhaustion just so that she could have some hours of dreamless sleep.
Her feet took her to the Falcon, where she found Chewbacca and Poe elbows deep in doing something on the starboard engine. It wasn’t a surprising sight; without his own X-Wing, the pilot had helped with the endless Falcon repairs and modifications frequently enough to befriend the Wookie. Rey acknowledged them with a small smile, heading up the Falcon’s boarding ramp with the intention of looking for something to work on inside the ship. She ended up in the gun turret, and lost track of time as she worked on trying to figure out why it always jams. After identifying and fixing three separate issues, she had just identified a fourth when a loud thump echoed from somewhere in the ship. Rey hastily made her way to where she last saw Chewie and Poe, but she found that they had long abandoned the starboard engine. Spying a clean piece of rag on her way back, she wiped her hands clean when she entered the cockpit, where she found the Wookie in deep slumber on his chair. Leaving him to his sleep, she quietly set out to look for the source of the noise, wondering if Poe managed to break something in his attempts to fix it.
She was surprised to find him seated on one of the cots in the crew’s quarters, bent over and resting his head on his hands. There was something in his slumped posture that unsettled her, making her stop on her tracks. When he continued to seem unaware of her presence, she tentatively took a step into the room, purposely making a slight noise with her step. As she hoped, the sound caught his attention. There was no mistaking the haunted look in his eyes as he trained his gaze to where she stood. “Are you all right?”
Even in his obviously distressed state, he attempted to make light of the situation. He gave her an exaggerated grimace, before telling her what happened. “I fell off the bunk.”
Not sensing anything from him to indicate that her presence was unwelcomed, she walked over to where he was and settled on the bunk next to him. “Good thing you have a thick head, eh?”
He chuckled, his laugh sounding a bit more sincere. “It was my butt. I fell out of the bunk and landed on the floor on my butt.”
“So, then it’s a good thing you have a fine bum.”
“You think I have a fine bum?” His teasing tone was almost successful in hiding his distress.
“I know you know you have a fine bum,” Rey retorted, unable to stop a blush creeping up her neck. Despite his attempt to sound light-hearted, she could still feel waves of anxiety coming from him. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “It was just a dream.”
His breathing was still a bit shaky, and Rey realized if it was anything like the dreams she had been having, he was definitely not all right. She looked at him solemnly. “You can tell me about it, if you want.”
He looked sharply at her. She could see how he seemed to be torn between telling her or not. Gently, she laid her hand on his arm. “It’s all right, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I’m staying right here until I know for sure you’re okay.”
He looked at her as if appraising her. Slowly, he eased his arm from her grasp, but before he could pull away, Rey moved her hand to clutch his. They sat in silence for a long time, hands clasped together. When he finally spoke, his words were barely a whisper. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ok. I don’t think it’ll ever get fixed.”
She knew exactly what he meant. It was the same thought she had whenever she wakes up from her own bad dreams, and the despondency she heard in his words mirrored what she felt whenever she wonders if she will ever be free of the nightmares. She looked down at their entwined hands, feeling guilty for the flash of relief she felt upon hearing his words. It was terrible, feeling broken, but if she felt a bit better knowing she wasn’t alone in it, then maybe he would, too. “I know.”
She felt his eyes on her. Rey lifted her gaze from their hands, meeting Poe’s eyes. He was no longer trying to hide the pain. “I’m so tired, Rey. Tired of trying to make it appear like I’m all right, that I’ve gotten over it. Tired of hoping that one day I’ll finally wake up without being bothered by it all.”
“Tired of feeling broken,” Rey added softly. “I know. I am, too.”
She had wanted to say something profound then, something wise. Coming up empty, she just sat beside him, her grip on his hand tightening ever so slightly. It was surprising how their shared silence gave them more comfort more than any words could have. An understanding was born between them that night, and for many more times since then, they learned to seek the other when it all becomes too overwhelming.
Turning to Poe now, Rey debated internally whether or not to share with him what had happened while she was meditating several days ago. She had never told anyone of the Force Bond, only Luke Skywalker knew. Truth was, it was something she wanted to forget about, believing it died with Snoke.
She found Poe studying her. “You okay?”
She suddenly felt a very strong urge to tell him everything, yet a part of her was scared that it will be too much for him. She doesn’t want him to see her as this abomination with a connection to their very enemy. She settled for giving him a half-truth, trying to shrug as nonchalantly as she can. “I was just having a hard time meditating.”
“Wanna talk about it? Even if I don’t know much about meditating and this Force mumbo-jumbo, just talking about it might help,” Poe offered. “Leia didn’t say it was urgent, anyway, and we can say I couldn’t find you right away. Or we can get BeeBee to go and tell her that we’ll be a little delayed.”
“Okay,” Rey conceded, looking at the droid. Poe quickly instructed the astromech to report back to the general. As BB-8 promptly rolled away from them, he turned back to her and held out his hand again. This time, though, when Rey slipped her hand in his, he kept hold of hers, entwining their fingers.
Once again, Rey felt the pleasant sensation that always comes with his touch. A single word escaped her lips just as her mind came to a sudden realization. “Safe.”
A strong breeze blew around them, bringing a shower of purple leaves from the trees around them. With his free hand, Poe reached up to brush away some errant leaves that settled on her hair. “Safe?”
“You make me feel safe,” Rey explained, copying his gesture, removing leaves from his hair. “When you hold my hand, I feel safe.”
“Good, because I like holding your hand,” Poe replied, squeezing her hand. “And I like making you feel safe.”
Rey smiled timidly at him, then, taking a deep breath, she began telling him everything. When she finished, she looked at him with uncertainty, feeling exposed. “Are you repulsed by me yet?”
Poe looked at her incredulously. Rey’s heart sank when he releases her hand. Instead of walking away, however, he held her face with both of his hands. When he spoke, his tone was quiet but firm. “Never.”
He moved closer to her, then pressed his lips against her forehead. “I will never hate you, Rey.”
Rey sagged against him with relief. His arms went around her, and as another strong breeze blew around them, they simply stood without talking. Once again, they found solace in their shared silence. When she felt calm enough, Rey murmured a soft “thank you,” before reluctantly stepping back.
He held out his hand once more, and without hesitation, she placed her hand in his. They began walking back, hands joined and staying just bit closer to each other. They both harbored invisible wounds, wounds that run deep. The Force brought them together, and while may take long time yet to for them to heal, together they were beginning to feel just a little less broken.