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Sirius gazed at Remus with longing in his eyes. He wanted him more than anything in life, but Remus didn’t seem to understand that.
But Remus understood more than Sirius knew. But he chose to ignore, draw away, look at something different.
They were alone in their dormitory at Hogwarts. It was the last week of sixth year, and exams were over. James and Peter were hanging out outside with the girls, Lily, Marlene and Mary, but Remus chose to stay inside. It was merely days before the next full moon, and the bright light gave him headaches. Sirius had decided to stay inside with Remus to keep him company, but he was hard to communicate with.
They laid on their own beds, Remus reading a bad romance novel, and Sirius browsed through a muggle magasin about motorcycles that Lily had given him for Christmas. He had already read through it several times before, but he couldn’t help but to fawn over the beautiful machines with even more beautiful girls straddling them.
Suddenly, he perked his head up and stared at Remus.
“Can I come to your place at the full moon?” asked Sirius, and Remus tensed immediately.
“Why would you want to do that?” countered Remus stiffly. Sirius was still watching him, but he would not meet his gaze.
“Because, I’m your friend, and I don’t want you to be alone at the full moon.” said Sirius with a tone that indicated that it was the most obvious thing in the world, and Remus was somewhat slow to get it.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” whispered Remus back, and Sirius was taken aback by how weak and frightened he sounded. He threw his magasin on the top of his mess in his open trunk, and stood up, walking over to Remus.
“Hey! You won’t, I’m your-” but he broke of midway through, and stopped walking. Remus was still staring at the same spot in his book, not taking in a single word.
“What, exactly, am I to you?” rasped Remus hoarsely, and finally met Sirius eyes. The look in his own broke Sirius' heart in a million tiny pieces.
He had tears in his eyes, and the look of fear, self hatred and hurt was clearly visible behind the large, amber orbs that Sirius loved most about him. He rushed to Remus side and sat beside him.
“You’re my best friend. You’re more than a friend, you’re the thing that makes me smile the brightest, laugh the loudest and-”
“More than friend? What do you..” But Remus trailed of, knowing exactly what Sirius meant.
“Rem, I-”
“DON’T!- say it.” Remus shouted the first word very loudly in the quiet room, but the last words came out as a small whisper. There was silence in the room, and only laughs and shouts from students outside on the grounds could be heard distantly up to the high Gryffindor tower.
“But why?” pleaded Sirius. “I want to, but why can’t I…”
“Because I was wrong to say I liked you,” he whispered and met Sirius glassy, stormy eyes that gave him the strength throughout his days. “I was wrong to think I’m right.”
Sirius only stared at Remus, not understanding what he meant.
“What do you…”
“I’ve told you it can’t work. It’s no idea, Sirius. It’s over.” Remus closed his eyes so he didn’t have to look at the disappointment in the eyes of the man he loved more than life itself.
“That was a lie, and you know it,” said Sirius, trying to make his wavering voice stern, but it broke at the last words. Remus flinched at the hurt in Sirius voice, and he sat up on the bed and walked away from him. He paced the room hastily, and Sirius followed his every move. “You’ve been running from your demons for far too long, Rem.” Remus stopped abruptly and stared wide eyed at Sirius.
“I’ve been afraid to look behind,” he whispered, not trusting his voice to last all the way. He shook his head, as if ashamed of himself. Always ashamed, always the self hatred. “I’ve been running from myself, you know. For all this years. I’ve never wanted to stay, afraid of what I’d find, if I stayed long enough for my shadow to catch up.”
“But you’re not different for me!” exclaimed Sirius loudly. He stood up from Remus bed as well and walked up to him. He grabbed Remus' shoulders and shook them slightly, looking crazed. “I don’t care what your damn shadow says. I love you. I want you.”
Remus could only stare at Sirius, his heart breaking in ways he didn’t think was possible. He knew that it would never heal properly, if ever. There would always be a part missing, the one in the shape of Sirius.
“But how am I supposed to love you, when I don’t love who I am?” choked Remus out, and gulped down thin air that seemed to not want to stay in his lungs. “And how could I ever give you all of me, when I’m only half a man?” Sirius fumbled for words, but they failed him miserably. He tried to compose himself.
“Of course you’re a whole man! You’re not- Stop being such a,” Sirius grasped for the right words, but they seemed to fail him when he needed them the most. “The wolf is not you,” he said firmly, and Remus visibly twitched. “The wolf does not make you half a man. You’re more a man than most guys in the world.” Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand and squeezed, but Remus seemed to think that the goblet had overflowed.
“Can’t you see? I’m a sinking ships that burning- let go!” Remus' hand flinched out of Sirius’, like he had been burned. Hot tears were now trickling down both cheeks, but they took no notice. All there was were them, only them. It had always been, but they had been too blind to see it. Blinded by the watching eyes of everyone else, blinded by the self hatred, the disgust and lack of love in their whole lifes. Remus was scared, because he loved Sirius more than he loved himself, and Sirius had never been loved by anyone as much in his whole life, and he wanted to give back to the boy who had always showed him the right.
“What do you expect me to do?” asked Remus heatedly. “I’ll be stuck in that cellar, with cold neon lights, and transform into a huge monster, and let you stay inside? Are you crazy? In that small space, I could kill you! We’re not out in the forest, not on the Hogsmeade grounds. I’m forced into a small box, waiting for when the pain will end,” Remus had stormed around the room, shouted, but now he was facing the window, staring out on the large grounds of Hogwarts. “But I’ve never got an answer, and it won’t come tonight, either. The pain will never end.”
“I know, Remus,” said Sirius, and his voice was as sincere as he could muster it. “I know pain. I’m no stranger to it, and you know it. I don’t mean that I’ve suffered more, because I’m done with it now, but you have to try and come to terms with-”
But Sirius couldn’t end his sentence, because Remus had grabbed one of the stolen bottles of firewhisky from James’ nightside table, and threw it across the room. Anger and pain rose up in Remus, and he watched as the empty bottle hit the floor with a loud crash, and thousands of pieces of glass flew across it. The bottle laid shattered on the floor, and Sirius stared at it with shock.
“Look at that flask!” shouted Remus. Sirius whipped his head to his friend instead, and almost flinched back at his expression. Tears of anger or sadness, or perhaps both, were falling again from Remus’ amer eyes yet again, and Sirius wanted more than everything to wipe them away, to coddle him and tell him that everything would be alright. But he knew it wouldn’t work, because everything wouldn’t be alright. But that didn’t mean that some things could be. But Remus was too angry to approach now, even Sirius could see. “What is broken, can’t be whole, not anymore.” The words were a stark contrast from the first, they were a soft whisper, and the anger seemed to slide off of him, making his shoulder slump and head hang.
“You can’t fix me with a reparo, Sirius. It doesn’t work.” Remus turned around once again, and laid down on his bed, staring up in the ceiling. With slow steps, Sirius walked after him, and laid down beside Remus on the bed. He didn’t protest, and Sirius found that to be a good sign, so he laid still, not daring to say anything. But at last, he found that he couldn’t hold his tongue anymore, so he broke the silence.
“You would never hurt me Remus,” whispered Sirius, still looking up in the ceiling with Remus on his side, doing the same. “And I would never hurt you. I can-”
“No one can ever hurt me, like I’ve hurt myself,” broke Remus off, and Sirius snapped his mouth shut at those words. Because they were true. “And do you know why?” asked Remus softly.
“Why?” whispered Sirius, afraid of the answer.
“‘Cause I’m made out of stone, and I’m beyond help,” said Remus with a harcher voice, and when Sirius tried to interrupt, Remus finally dragged his gaze from the ceiling to Sirius face, and his eyes were wide. And from that look, Remus’ own eyes softened. “So please, don’t give your heart to me.”
After the pleading statement, a long and agonizing silence followed again. But now, the both boys was looking deep into each others eyes, greys against golden, both edged with pain in a too young body, a weight too heavy to bear alone. And they both knew, that if they would only let the other help, they could finally lift the weight together. But it was scary. Terrifying, in fact, to let go of the things that had once been easier, that only got worse by age, and the once lighter weight on their shoulders were now soon unbearable, without some help. They only had to reach out. But that was like falling freely, not knowing if you would be catched, or fall to the ground. And the crash would hurt, more than anything.
Sirius reached out a slightly shaking hand, and touched Remus’ cheek. The tears had stopped at last, but the eyes remaind red rimmed and glazed, and they closed at Sirius’ gentle touch.
“You are the only one I would give my heart to,” said Sirius tenderly.
God he is beautiful,
he thought, searching the face of the man he loved. The sinking ship, the burning man, the brave,
brave
man, but he held his tongue, and asked instead “Will you take it?” Remus opened his eyes and looked at the most beautiful man in the world, thinking harder than ever. And after a second, that could have been a hour, or an eternity, Remus whispered a “yes”. And Remus felt, for the first time ever, like a whole man.