Work Text:
Can you get scars on your brain?
Like, if a doctor or someone has to slice into it, does the brain scar like skin does?
Does the cut leave a little line?
She hopes not. Not that it really matters that much. It's not like anyone can see the scars anyway unless their head is already cut open and their brain is showing and stuff.
She just doesn't like the thought of Daniel having brain scars. He already has skin scars, so his brain should get to look okay, even if they have to cut into it a whole lot.
Her parents don't normally make her come to the hospital for his procedures. They say they don't want her to be more upset and stressed than necessary, but really she thinks it's because they don't know how to control their emotions around her.
Normally, they get a relative or a neighbor to watch her and look after her when Daniel has to go get cut open.
She used to be able to count on her fingers the number of times they've given him scars, but she's passed fingers now.
Daniel and surgery kind of go together, unfortunately. It sucks.
No five year old should have to get their brain messed around with that much. Definitely not her younger brother.
She tries to be a good big sister, the brave one. But it's scary to be here again in the hospital, especially since his procedure wasn't scheduled this time.
It's an emergency one. Something happened to his brain drain and it's caused a really bad infection.
Her mom is in the corner on her iphone, and she's pretty sure her mom is talking to Aunt Josie. She hears words like serious infection and emergency shunt replacement and spinal fluid build-up.
She's never quite understood why they have to use so many complicated words to describe something that sounds pretty basic.
Daniel was born with a bad brain drain and so his head gets filled with spine fluid stuff that it shouldn't. Since his brain drain is bad, the surgeons have to build the drain for him. But drains get worn out, you know? So they only last for so long and then they have to get replaced.
That's why they have to cut him open so much-
To replace his brain drain.
But this time, it sounds like the brain drain caused some kind of infection thing that's really bad.
Mom and dad always pray really hard when they have to wait in the busy room. That's what she calls it, at least. Technically, it's the emergency room, but busy room sounds more accurate.
Everything is always busy. There's always panic and scrambling and sickness and a bunch of people moving around.
Mom and dad like to pray when we get stuck in the busy room.
But whenever I try to pray, I usually just get frustrated because God totally could have given Daniel a good brain drain. Almost everyone else has one. Why didn't Daniel get one?
She doesn't like to think about that. Because every time she folds her hands and asks Him, she never gets an answer.
It's okay. God's probably pretty busy. Hopefully He'll get back to her at some point.
In the meantime, while her parents pray and make sad phone calls and drink coffee when they get sleepy, she watches the people in the busy room.
People are always rushing in, and everyone has a different problem that needs help.
It's weird that this is a room full of chairs and people with problems.
Some of the problems don't seem that bad. But other times the problems are really bad. So bad that daddy gets worried about her seeing them and covers her eyes.
The uniform people sometimes come in the special side door with a person on a wheelie bed thing. A lot of times there's blood when that happens.
That's usually when daddy makes sure she can't see.
A little while ago they brought someone through the special side door. There's was lots of yelling and moving around, and she's pretty sure there was a lot of blood.
Daddy turned her head away before she could see for sure though.
So now she's back to waiting and looking at the different people in the busy room. They have coloring books and stuff that she can use, but the crayons aren't very good and it's hard to focus on staying in the lines when Daniel's head is messed up and she's scared.
So she looks around and watches instead.
Her head is resting against the side of daddy's arm, and she feels her eyes begin to slip shut a little. They've been here for a while.
But then she hears lots of shouting and several people come rushing through the front entrance.
It's really weird because they're all wearing fancy clothes, and no one ever wears fancy clothes in the busy room.
There's three girls wearing pink dresses and two boys with ties and nice shirts like daddy wears to work. The girls are all crying, and two of them run up to the desk where the busy room workers are and start talking. They're too far away for her to hear though.
She likes their dresses. They remind her of the dresses that her friend Emily's Barbie had. She doesn't think she's ever seen dresses like that in real life.
She's busy focusing on the two girls up at the desk, but then someone shouting by the entrance distracts her.
"Where is she?"
A different girl comes running through the front entrance wearing a white dress, but she goes up to the boys with the ties and that other girl with the pink dress. So she must know them.
It looks like she's wearing a wedding dress. She has no idea why someone would wear a wedding dress to come to the busy room.
All she knows is that her make-up is smeary and she looks like she's been crying really hard, and no one should look that sad wearing such a pretty dress.
Especially if it's really a wedding dress. Girls in wedding dresses are supposed to be happy. They're supposed to smile and kiss their true love and then have a party and stuff.
But there's a wedding dress girl in the busy room, and she has no idea why. Even her daddy is looking at them now, so she knows she's not the only one who thinks it's weird.
The girls at the desk turn around and they still look sad, but one of them looks angry now too.
"Useless! They won't tell me anything! I don't even know if she's still alive!" The angry crying girl says kind of loud, and some other people in the busy room turn to look at the girl.
There's lots of moving around all of a sudden, and the angry girl is fighting to get to the wedding dress girl. Not for good reasons though. She definitely looks like she has angry reasons. The girl is saying lots of things a little too low for her to hear from over here, but she's pretty sure she hears words like hate and your fault mixed in there.
Then wedding dress girl falls to the ground on her knees, and she grips her daddy's arm tighter when she watches it happen. One of the boys is kneeling next to her and wedding dress girl talks just loud enough for her and daddy to hear her cry out.
"She was supposed to be on her way!"
Wedding dress girl has her face buried in her lap and she's crying really hard.
She wonders who was supposed to be on their way, and where they were supposed to be.
The kneeling boy is just kind of frozen there and he isn't doing a good job of helping wedding dress girl.
The other boy in the tie with the rock star hair notices it too, because he pushes kneeling boy out of the way and reaches toward the girl. He slides his arms underneath her and scoops her up, carrying her over to a spot in the corner.
Wedding dress girl has her arms wrapped really tightly around rock star boy's neck, and he sits down in one of the chairs, holding her with him.
At the same time, there's more rushing at the entrance, and even more fancy dressed people walk in.
She watches the whole scene play out with wide eyes.
"Daddy what's happening?"
"I don't know, Claire-bear," he answers her, and presses a kiss to the top of her head. "Whatever it is doesn't look good though. We'll just stay out of their way, okay?"
She nods her head and stares at the scene, unblinking.
Wedding dress girl is shaking, and everyone else is crying and talking loudly at each other.
No one should have to be so sad in such a pretty white dress.
It's just not right.
XXxxXX
They've been here waiting for Daniel for a really long time. She managed to stay awake and watch the worried people in the fancy clothes for a while, but eventually her eyes started to droop shut.
The only change she noticed before she fell asleep was that wedding dress girl wasn't in her wedding dress anymore. She was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.
The girl still looked pretty. But without her wedding dress, she looked even more upset.
She looked like a teenager now. A really sad and scared teenager.
A loud noise stirs her from sleep, and she realizes that it's because someone else was rushed in on a wheelie bed.
"Hey sweetie," her mom says, reaching down and running her hands through her hair. "You've been asleep for a while."
"Is Daniel done with his surgery yet?"
She rubs at her eyes, still a little disoriented from sleep.
Her mom looks at her with a sad tired expression.
"No, he's still with the doctors. One of them came by and said he was doing good though."
"Can I go sit in the play area then?"
Her mom nods her head, and so she gets up from her chair and walks over to the other side of the busy room.
There's this little spot in the corner with smaller tables and coloring books and a television. They don't have much, but at least they have a few things.
When she reaches one of the tables, she realizes that the people who came in fancy clothes are kind of spread out in the busy room now. It doesn't even look like all of them are here anymore, but the ones that are have moved around.
She realizes this because she sits down at a table to watch the Bugs Bunny cartoon and notices that wedding dress girl is sitting by herself in a chair right near here.
She's not actually wearing a wedding dress anymore, but she doesn't know the girl's name. So that's how she remembers her.
Wedding dress girl is awake and she is staring without really looking at anything. Her arms are wrapped around her legs, and all of her make-up is gone.
Even though she's not crying right now, she still looks so sad.
So she tries to make it a little better.
"I liked your pretty dress," she tells wedding dress girl, reaching for a crayon and a coloring book.
Wedding dress girl doesn't even realize that she was talking to her at first. But when she does, she's super surprised.
"Thanks, I guess."
"My name is Claire. I was sitting with my daddy when you and all your friends got here a while ago."
Wedding dress girl nods and rubs her palms along her knees.
"My name is Rachel," wedding dress girl says really quietly.
Rachel. Rachel is a pretty name. She thinks Rachel should know that.
"I really like that name," she says, grabbing a blue crayon.
"Thanks," the girl says, and gives her a tiny smile. "How old are you, Claire?"
"Seven," she answers, trading the blue for a purple crayon to use on the flower.
"You've been here for a while if you saw us arrive."
"Uh-huh," she agrees, gripping the crayon to make sure she stays in the lines. "My brother Daniel is having surgery on his brain again, and that usually takes a long time."
Rachel sucks in a really deep breath when she says that, and it makes her look up from her coloring book. Rachel has a frown and a really sad look in her eyes, and she wants to make it go away.
"No, it's not that bad," she says so that Rachel won't worry so much. "Okay, so maybe today is more bad because of the infection. But my brother has a bad brain drain. He's had lots of surgeries. I can't even count them on my fingers anymore," she adds to make her point clear.
Rachel looks kind of confused, but she nods.
"Who was supposed to be on their way?" Claire asks suddenly, looking at Rachel's eyes.
She realizes that it was probably a bad question when Rachel's eyes immediately tear up.
"What?" Rachel gasps quietly.
"I heard you earlier. You were crying really hard and said she was supposed to be on her way," Claire explains. Rachel's eyes get really watery, and so Claire sets down her crayon and turns to look at her. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. But sometimes when I'm sad or scared, it helps me to talk so I thought maybe you could if you wanted to."
It's really hard to tell what Rachel is thinking. She goes all quiet and grips her hands together and stares at the floor.
"You're a very sweet girl, Claire," she eventually says, and her voice is super quiet and soft.
Claire nods slowly and then pulls her chair away from the little table, angling it towards Rachel instead.
Rachel is quiet for a while again, but then she looks up and wipes a few tears from her eyes.
"Quinn. Quinn is the girl who was supposed to be on her way."
Claire frowns when the wedding dress girl starts to cry, and her eyes widen a little with worry.
"Is she your friend?" she asks in a small voice.
Rachel makes this noise that doesn't make any sense, like she's sobbing and laughing at the same time, except nothing is funny. She's not sure if she's ever heard someone make a noise like that before.
"You could say…yes, she's my friend," Rachel whispers after she makes the weird noise.
"I'm sorry," Claire says gently.
That's always what people say to them when Daniel is sick. She doesn't know why they apologize because it's not like it's their fault, but whatever. Grown-ups don't make sense most of the time, but she thinks Rachel gets their language a little better. So she apologizes.
"Me too," Rachel mumbles, wiping at her eyes.
"What happened to her?" Claire whispers and then holds her breath, waiting to see if Rachel is going to get mad at her for asking.
It's just that she's been wondering what happened ever since all these people in fancy clothes showed up in the busy room.
Rachel looks into her eyes for a moment, and Claire thinks she's not going to answer. But Rachel must find something about her that makes her willing to speak because she replies in a teary voice.
"She…she got in a really bad car accident. A big truck hit her side of the car while she was driving."
Claire reaches her hand up to cover her mouth on instinct, and her eyes widen even more.
"Is she gonna be okay?" she asks fearfully, searching Rachel's face for the answer.
Grown-ups have this thing they do where they say one thing but then their eyes say something else. Rachel looks like she's almost a grown-up, but not quite. So hopefully Claire won't have to search her face super hard to find the real answer.
Rachel ducks her head down and whimpers really quietly, and now Claire feels bad for asking. She gets up from her kid chair and moves to stand in front of her.
Claire hesitates for a moment before reaching out and placing her hand on top of Rachel's that are gripped really tight together in her lap. Rachel doesn't push her away, so she squeezes her hand softly and stares at her lowered head.
"They don't know," Rachel finally whispers. "She's alive for now, but they don't know how bad the damage is yet."
Claire traces her index finger along the edge of Rachel's palm.
"You've been really sad ever since you got here," she speaks quietly near Rachel's lowered forehead. "Whenever people are really sad in the busy room, my mom says it's because they're worried about people who are really special to them. Like Daniel is special to us." She hears Rachel sniffle a couple of times. "Is Quinn really special? Is that why you're so sad?"
Rachel looks up when she asks that, and then moves her hand to hold Claire's.
"So special," Rachel answers, and Claire watches a couple of tears slide down her face. "I don't think she even realizes how special she is."
Claire nods and grips her hand a little tighter.
"Daniel is my special person."
They both have special people with the doctors right now. She understands.
"Why are you sitting here by yourself?" she questions next. "What happened to the people who were with you?"
Rachel doesn't say anything at first. Claire just feels the older girl tracing her finger gently against her palm.
"Some of them are mad at me," Rachel whispers, and her voice shakes a little. "And I needed some time alone."
Claire's face frowns and she leans a little closer.
"Why are they mad at you?"
Rachel looks up at her and she has this awful sad expression on her face that makes Claire want to give her a big hug. But Rachel is kind of a stranger even though she's super nice, so she keeps holding her hand instead.
"Because I was texting and calling Quinn on my phone and I was rushing her," Rachel answers in this tiny wavering voice. "And the people who work on the ambulance think she was doing something with her phone when she got in the accident."
"Oh."
Rachel nods and lifts her free hand up to wipe at her eyes.
"But you didn't know what Quinn was doing. She shouldn't have been on her phone if she was trying to drive," Claire states, because she's not sure if Rachel can see the obvious.
Older people are so frustrating like that sometimes.
Rachel shrugs her shoulders but doesn't say anything.
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Claire questions and shuffles back a little bit. Sometimes people want to be alone. That's what daddy told her. He said it doesn't always mean they don't like you, just that they need some time.
But Rachel shakes her head.
"You can stay. You're a very sweet girl, Claire."
Claire smiles at that, and pushes a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear.
"I'm gonna go ask my mom if I can sit here with you for a little while. I'll be right back, okay?"
Rachel gives her a tiny smile and nods, and she runs back over to where her mom is sitting.
"Who're you talking to over there, Claire?" Her mom asks when she comes back over. "I hope you're not bothering anyone."
Claire shakes her head and grabs her mom's arm to get her attention more.
"No, it's okay mom. That's wedding dress girl from earlier. Except she's not in her wedding dress anymore. She has a special person here too and she's really sad. Her person Quinn got in a car accident. Can I sit with her for a little while? I think she's lonely and she looks really scared," Claire explains.
Her mom smiles and sets down her magazine, pulling her into a big hug.
"How did I ever get a daughter like you?" her mom asks, squeezing her tight. "I love how much you care about people, baby."
Claire searches her mom's eyes for permission as soon as she pulls away from the hug.
"You can sit over there," her mom agrees, looking at the teenager by herself in the corner. "Just be sure you give her some space and come back over here if she needs it, okay honey?"
"I will," Claire answers immediately. "Thanks mom."
Her mom smiles at her and nods, and Claire knows she can go back to Rachel now.
"My mom says it's okay," she huffs, out of breath, when she gets back to her. "Can I sit with you?"
Rachel gives her a small smile and holds out her arm, and Claire climbs up on the chair next to her. Rachel's arm rests around her shoulders as soon as she sits down.
It's okay because Rachel is pretty small and her arm isn't too heavy. It feels good and kind of like a hug.
Claire snuggles into her shoulder a little bit and rests her head there, and she hears Rachel take a slow breath.
They sit together quietly for a few minutes, until Rachel reaches up and runs her hand through Claire's long hair a couple of times.
"What's a brain drain, Claire?"
She smiles and rests her head against Rachel a little more.
"People always ask me that," she huffs.
"Sorry," Rachel answers, and it actually sounds like she laughed a little bit. Claire has her head resting though, so she can't see for sure.
"It's okay. Brain drain is how my daddy explained it to me. There's a science word for it too, but it's really long and stuff. Everyone's head has a thing that helps the fluid in their head drain out. But Daniel's drain doesn't work right, and so he gets fluid that isn't supposed to be there. The doctors have to build him a drain, or else he gets bad pressure and stuff on his brain."
"That kind of makes sense, I guess," Rachel answers slowly. She keeps her fingers running through Claire's hair though, and it feels really nice.
"Do you have a brother?" Claire asks, eyes slipping shut a little as Rachel continues to trace through her hair.
"No. I'm an only child, actually."
Claire nods against her shoulder.
"What about Quinn? Does she have a brother or sister?"
Rachel pauses for a moment, but her hand continues to move rhythmically.
"I think she has an older sister. I've never met her though."
"Oh. What does Quinn look like?"
She doesn't hear Rachel say anything for a while, but that's okay because she's starting to fall asleep.
"A little like you, actually," Rachel speaks softly. "But older. Her eyes are green like yours, but they're darker because there's brown mixed in. She has blonde hair too. It used to be long like yours, but it's short now."
She feels a little more awake once Rachel starts talking again.
"I hope she's okay," Claire tells her. She gets more worried every time she learns more about Rachel's special person.
"Me too, Claire."
Rachel leans her head to the side and rests her cheek on top of her head where it's resting on Rachel's shoulder.
"Are you scared?" Claire whispers into her shirt.
Rachel grips the arm around her shoulders a little tighter.
"Can you keep a secret?" she whispers back.
"Uh-huh," Claire nods seriously.
"I think this is the most scared I've ever been in my entire life."
Claire wraps one arm across Rachel's waist and moves her head a little closer.
"Daddy says it's okay to be scared sometimes. We don't always have to be brave."
Claire thinks her chair is moving for a second, until she realizes that Rachel is shaking a little above her. She also feels something kind of damp of top of her head, and she thinks Rachel might be crying again.
"She's my special person, Claire," Rachel says above her in a wobbly voice.
"I know she is. That's why I'm giving you a big hug right now even though we're sitting down," Claire explains as she grips Rachel's waist.
She hears something between a cry and a laugh come from Rachel above her, and then Rachel rests her cheek more heavily against the top of her head.
Claire sits there with her, and after a while it sounds like Rachel isn't crying so much anymore.
"Can I make Quinn a card?" Claire asks as she looks at the table with the paper and the crayons, suddenly getting ideas. "I'm good at coloring. You can give it to her when she wakes up."
Rachel lifts her head up and looks down at her, a small smile on her lips.
"Sure."
XXxxXX
Four days later, she's laying in her hospital bed when she hears the door click open. The noise stirs her from sleep and she blinks her eyes open blearily.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," a gentle voice says near the foot of her bed, moving around to the other side.
"It's okay, Rachel," she mumbles groggily.
"Are you feeling any better than yesterday?" she hears in worried voice, a small hand slipping into hers.
"It's not as bad as when I woke up yesterday. But I hurt everywhere," she moans, feeling a sharp pain near her ribs when she shifts in bed.
"I'm so sorry, Quinn," she whispers, and Quinn feels her grip her hand a little tighter.
"Not your fault," she states quietly, adjusting on her pillow to try to get comfortable again.
She doesn't hear Rachel say anything and so she blinks her eyes against the harsh lights, turning her head to look at her.
Rachel has tears in her eyes and this guilty look that drives Quinn insane.
"Stop it," she mutters, and then shifts her eyes around. She can't stand to see that guilty look on Rachel's face. Not when Rachel isn't the one who chose to look at her phone while approaching a fucking stop sign.
Her eyes shift around and she notices a folded piece of paper propped up on the table next to her with childish handwriting on it.
"What is that?"
Rachel lifts her face from her hands and looks to where Quinn's eyesight is directed.
She gets this little smile on her lips and lifts up the handmade card, holding it in front of Quinn.
There's a pink flower and a sun drawn on the front. When Rachel holds it open for her to see, she reads-
Dear Quinn,
I hope you feel better.
Your Rachel's speshal person and I dont want her to be sad.
Love,
Claire
Quinn feels herself smiling even as she looks at the card in confusion.
"Who is Claire? And why is she calling me your special person?" she asks, looking up into Rachel's eyes.
Rachel has a slight blush to her cheeks as she sets the card down and folds her hands in her lap. Quinn already misses the feel of her soft hand in hers.
"It's kind of a long story," Rachel replies shyly.
"I'm not exactly going anywhere any time soon," Quinn answers, looking down at her left leg suspended in a cast and the bruises and bandages littering her marred body. "Unless you have somewhere you need to be."
"I'm not going anywhere, Quinn," she replies seriously.
Quinn feels her fingers twitch, briefly trying to make contact with a hand that isn't there.
"So tell me."
She relaxes back into her pillow, trying to ignore the sharp pain that stings throughout her body.
And Rachel begins her story about a little girl with blonde hair in the emergency room.