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The sunlight woke her up, streaming in through the blinds she had forgotten to close the night before. She silently cursed her drunken self from the night before as she rolled over and instinctively reached for the other side of the bed. Her mind wasn’t awake yet, so when her hand landed on the cold sheets next to her, Kelley opened her eyes in confusion. She sighed as it all came back to her. She was gone. She wasn’t coming back. Kelley felt the crushing weight of sadness against her chest as she attempted to sit up, head pounding.
She stared at the empty side of the bed for a moment before she felt tears building and she quickly shook her head, looking away. She managed to stand up and stumbled towards the kitchen to brew some coffee in an attempt to curb part of her hangover. As the coffee was brewing, Kelley reached for a mug. Glancing at the one she grabbed, she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
It was a simple mug, white and black with some inspirational phrase Kelley had always found slightly tacky written on the side. The lipstick stain on the lip had faded a month ago, but the thought of it still burned in her mind. She felt anger building and she could see her hand shaking, so she put the mug back before she could throw it against the wall. She grabbed a different one, a plain black one she’d had since high school, and poured herself a cup of coffee. Grabbing a bowl, she poured herself some cereal before taking a seat at the kitchen island.
She wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and go back to sleep. In her dreams, she could escape the reality that faced her. Kelley didn’t have to accept that she was gone, for she waited for her every time Kelley closed her eyes. The words echo in her head continuously.
“Kelley, I love you. You know that. But you also know that you can’t hold on to this. You’ll be okay, Kel. I promise.”
She knows it’s true, but that doesn’t make it easy. She doesn’t want to move on; she can’t handle the idea of moving on and forgetting her. So she holds on to everything she possibly can. She refuses to clean out their closet, her toothbrush still sits next to Kelley’s, and her desk is in exactly the same state it was six months ago, the last day she sat there. And Kelley lets it be that way, to avoid facing the truth.
She is pulled out of her head by her phone ringing. Glancing at the caller ID, she sighs before answering.
“Hello?”
“Heyo, KO. Chris and I were wondering if you’d like to go to dinner with us tonight,” Tobin’s voice rings through the line and Kelley can’t help but smile slightly. It was nice to know she still had friends who cared, who made sure she wasn’t a complete hermit.
“Oh, my dear Tobito, you know I love nothing more than third-wheeling you two lovebirds, but-” she gets interrupted before she can finish.
“Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there. It wasn’t really a request. Chris said you’re coming to dinner with us tonight. Just the three of us,” Kelley sighs but knows she will not be getting out of this dinner.
“Fine. Just say when and where and I’ll be there.”
“Cool. Chris will text you the details. See you tonight,” Tobin hung up after Kelley said bye back. She stood and put her mug and bowl in the sink, deciding to deal with the growing pile of dishes later as she headed back to the bedroom. If she was going to face two of her best friends tonight, she needed to take a nap and a very long shower.
---
Walking into the pub, Kelley scanned the area for Christen and Tobin. Spotting them sitting at a high top table, Kelley makes her way over to the couple. Christen gives a wave and Tobin nods at her as she approaches them.
“Thanks for joining us tonight, Kelley.”
Kelley tries to avoid rolling her eyes before replying, “It’s not like you really gave me a choice, now Pressy, did you?” She smiles, attempting to pass it off as a joke. She can tell neither Chris nor Tobin really buys it as one and knows the smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She takes her seat across from them, thankful neither of them calls her out for her comment.
The three of them settle into easy conversation, talking about Tobin and Christen’s engagement, Ali and Ashlyn’s upcoming wedding, the Olympics, and their impending retirement from the beautiful game. Everything is going smoothly until Christen speaks up after a lull in the conversation.
“Have you started cleaning up?” Kelley freezes, her stomach dropping. She knows what Christen is really asking. She’s asking whether or not Kelley has started to accept the reality that Alex was gone. Christen and Tobin know it isn’t easy; Kelley wasn’t the only one hurting. Christen lost a friend and Tobin lost a sister when Alex died. But Kelley, she lost the love of her life, and with that, she lost herself.
Kelley still hadn’t answered and Christen reached across the table, grabbing her hand. “Kel,” she speaks softly, “you know that it will help you process and begin to move on.”
Kelley’s eyes narrow slightly. “Move on?” she echoes back, her voice clipped. Christen holds her gaze, knowing Kelley knew what she meant and that she was on the verge of lashing out and that it was because she was hurting. Kelley’s gaze drops to the table and she stares at the rest of her food, no longer hungry.
“I can’t move on,” she starts. “I can’t do anything other than try to keep from drinking the pain away every single day. I don’t even dance in the kitchen or locker room anymore. I can’t. I can’t watch our shows. I can barely eat half the time. I sleep and I work out and I play soccer. But every fucking time I step on the field, or walk into the locker room, or even just pack my bag for a camp, I am hit with the crushing realization that she won’t be there. I will never play with her again. I will never come home to her again,” Kelley’s voice is laced with sadness and anger as she continues speaking.
“I miss her so fucking much. And I’m afraid to move on. I don’t want anyone to think I’m forgetting her. Or that she wasn’t the single most important person to me. Because she was. I loved her so much. I love her so much. Tobs, Chris, I-I don’t know what to do,” her voice breaks and her chest tightens, tears falling down her cheeks. Looking up at the couple, she finds tears in their eyes as well.
Christen squeezes Kelley’s hand lightly and rubs her thumb against the back of it. Standing up, she nods towards the door, motioning for Kelley to follow her as Tobin pulls out her wallet to pay for their meals. Kelley trails behind Christen, eyes on the ground as they head outside. They wait for Tobin in silence, but Christen never lets go of her hand. Kelley’s extremely grateful for it too. It’s helping keep her grounded.
When Tobin joins them, they head for their cars. Christen doesn’t let go of Kelley until they reach her vehicle. Pulling Kelley into a tight hug, she whispers to her.
“We love you, Kel. I love you. So much. I miss you; I miss the Kelley I became friends with way back when. I know she’s still in there and I know you know it too. I’m always here if you want to talk or just vent and yell or if you just need to sit in silence with someone. Never forget that.”
Pulling away, she searches Kelley’s eyes. Kelley nods, trying to pull herself together, even just a little bit. She doesn’t know what she would do without Christen or Tobin. They are two of the main reasons Kelley hadn’t become an emotionless robot, completely shut off from society. They had refused to let her stop playing, knowing it would only make things worse. They were the ones who made sure Kelley was alive when she would go weeks without responding to texts, calls, or emails. They were the ones who reminded her that she was never alone, that she always had them.
Kelley had actually lived with them for three weeks after it happened, crashing on their couch while her friends watched her become a shell of a person. And here they were, six months later, still picking her up when she fell.
“Thank you,” she finally speaks. Christen just nods, stepping back from her and grabbing Tobin’s hand. Kelley gets into her car and gives her friends one last look. Turning it on, she offers a small half-smile before driving away.
---
The next morning, Kelley opens her eyes and they land immediately on Alex’s desk. She takes in the organized chaos that had always driven her slightly insane. She gets out of bed and walks over, immediately picking up a framed polaroid of her and Alex. Running her hand over the photo, Kelley remembers the day it was taken. They had just wrapped their 2015 victory tour after winning the World Cup and they had decided to take a vacation to Europe. They had stood in the middle of St. Peter’s Square in Rome and Kelley had proposed. A random French man had seen it and had taken the photo, perfectly capturing the sun shining on them and the surprise and awe on Alex’s face as Kelley asked Alex to marry her. He spoke in broken English, offering the photo to them and they had thanked him multiple times for it.
Kelley had taken a Sharpie and written on it: “Let’s take on the world. 11.01.15”. Kelley sets the picture frame down and moves towards the closet. She decides she won’t get rid of Alex’s clothes, but she recognizes that she needs to tidy up the apartment. She spots their matching World Champions shirts from 2015 and feels a tug on her heart when she remembers that there are two World Champions shirt from this year as well, but one was never worn. It hung in a frame of its own in the locker room of the training center in California, surrounded by pictures and awards of Alex’s over the years.
Her eyes drift and land on an old Stanford crewneck sweatshirt that hadn’t been on her half of the closet probably ever. Alex had stolen it shortly after they started dating and Kelley sort of hoped she’d get it back one day. Now though, she would much rather have the girl than the old sweatshirt. Finally, her eyes find purple. Her breath hitches as she reaches for the jersey. It had been customized for Alex’s first game back with Orlando after the wedding. She ran a hand over the last name, O’Hara-Morgan and the number, 18. Kelley remembered being surprised when she saw the jersey. The last name was one thing, but Alex had always worn 13; it was her thing. Her heart had melted when Alex explained why she would be wearing 18 that night.
“Thirteen plus five is eighteen, Kel,” she had said as if it was obvious. Kelley had rolled her eyes and explained that she could do simple math before realizing the implications. Thirteen plus five. Alex plus Kelley. She had teased Alex for being sappy, but she couldn’t keep the smile off her face when she attended the game and Alex removed her warm-up top, the whole stadium getting louder when they saw the jersey on the big screen.
Smiling at the memory, Kelley lets go of the jersey and turns to leave the closet, tears springing up again. She turns the light off and closes the door, wiping her eyes. Entering the kitchen, she turned on the coffee pot and moved to grab a mug as it brewed. Opening the cabinet, her eyes immediately zeroed in on one of Alex’s favorite mugs. She hesitated before grabbing it and staring at it. It wasn’t the one she had grabbed yesterday.
Instead, it was a mug Kelley had given to Alex as a joke ahead of her real gift for Christmas one year. It was covered in pictures of Kelley, from childhood to adulthood, playing soccer and had the phrase “The best soccer player in the world, Kelley O’Hara” written on it. Alex used it more than any other mug, and it always made Kelley’s heart flutter when she saw it. She put it back before she could start crying again, reaching for another mug, another plain black one.
She sits at the kitchen island again, letting her mind start to turn. The thought of cleaning up, of attempting to stop being stuck in the past, didn’t sit the best with her. But Kelley knew it was necessary. She knew Christen was right. If she was going to process this and start to get her life back, even if only a little, she needed to do this. She knew things would never be the way they used to. But at the same time, she didn’t want them to be. Alex deserved to be remembered; she had impacted the lives of so many people, especially Kelley’s.
She knew that every time she laced up her cleats, she’d look to Alex’s old locker. She knew that each game, she would tap her heart before the opening whistle, signifying that she was playing for the one she loved. She knew that the next time she joined in the dancing in the locker room with the younger players or danced through her kitchen when cooking dinner, it wouldn’t be near the same.
Kelley knew all of this, of course she did. But she also knew that she needed to adapt to Alex being gone. She couldn’t be stuck in this rut forever. And she needed to remember that she was not alone. Not in the slightest. She had teammates, national and club, and other friends and family that were there for her, always.
Alex would always be with her in spirit. She would always have a home in Kelley’s heart.
It was time for Kelley to start living again.