Work Text:
Yoon Dowoon never really know what love is. But if he does, it’s probably this.
When he was a kid, he believed that loving someone was when you live together under one roof, and wear matching rings on your fingers everyday. He saw his parents gush about each other with smiles on their faces, he saw the sparkle in their eyes when they see each other, and little Dowoon thought that it was beautiful, and he couldn’t wait to find someone who will let him wear matching rings with.
When he was in primary school, he learned that love has different kinds. His first friend in class was a girl who always wore rabbit scrunchies. She was sweet and kind. She kept lending Dowoon her favorite pencil when Dowoon forgot his pencil case. In return, Dowoon would give her his sausages at lunch, even though it was his favorite. He liked spending time with her, she was his favorite friend. But when she asked Dowoon if he wanted to be her boyfriend (because everyone else in the class had been ‘asking each other out’) he learned that loving someone platonically isn’t the same as loving them romantically. He learned that even when he would lend her his umbrella and wait with her until her mom picks her up, he didn’t want to live with her and wear matching rings. But he still wanted to see her happy nonetheless.
As he entered junior highschool, he learned that falling in love can be exciting. When Dowoon met this boy for the first time, he just thought that he was nice. But as time passes, he found himself looking forward to school more and more, wanting to talk about the comics he read, the songs the boy recommended, wanting to see the boy broke into laughter when Dowoon told him about what happened at home. He felt his heart skipped a beat everytime the boy called him from across the hallway. He wanted him to keep calling him, smiling at him, be with him.
But as time passed, as he entered senior highschool, he found out that loving someone can be scary, and painful. When the boy jokingly shoved him off when Dowoon slept on his lap, exclaiming that they’re not kids anymore, his heart ached a bit .But he was right, so Dowoon laughed along, and leaned back against the wall instead, praying that the pain would go away faster.
When the boy came to his house one day with a smile brighter than the sun, it mirrored back to Dowoon, who couldn’t help but smile back and asked what happened. He shouldn’t had. A girl from the other class, who apparently had been crushing on the boy for months, asked him out, who apparently also had been feeling the same. Dowoon congratulated him, ignoring the cracking sound in his chest, and gave him a big hug, which he didn’t know would be his last as the boy drifted away as time flies.
It was painful, when the feelings isn't returned. Dowoon can testify that, he didn't cry for a few nights straight for nothing.
He spent his spare time alone after that, shifting his focus to music instead. He always found it fascinating. How a few strings of words and tunes can hold such power to make you feel things, how it can heal your pain. He loves it.
Eventually, he learned that liking, loving someone isn’t as amazing as he was raised to believe. He pushed it back deep down, forgetting about it as he entered university. He made lots of friends and he loves them all indifferently. His love for music grows bigger, though. He picked up drumming, and he finally felt the rush of euphoria he hadn’t had in such a long time. He loves it. Conveying his feelings out loud with the drums, pouring his soul into it, he loves it.
One day his teacher recommended him to join an agency out of the blue. He never really thought much about joining one, but he didn’t have anything planned to do so he went along to entertain his teacher.
That was the best decision he ever made, really. If time travel existed, he would have travel back in time to properly thank his teacher.
He joined a band, who would later feel like a family instead. He was surrounded by his new friends who act more like his big brothers as time flies. Dowoon loves them all, with every atom in his body.
He loves all his hyungs, but there’s one who makes him question once again, what love is.
When he joined the band, a Kang Younghyun had entered his life too.
At first Dowoon never thought of him more than a big brother, he loves him as much as he loves the others (even though sometimes he wants to throw his shoes at him for being annoying).
But one day, Younghyun invited him to watch movies with him for his songwriting brainstorming. At first Dowoon refused, as he would much rather spend his night under the warmth of his blanket. But Younghyun, his ever annoying hyung, kept whining and pouting at him, telling him that he would feel lonely and sad without anyone to watch with.
And that’s how he ended up on the sofa at 2 AM, with a movie playing with a rather low volume and popcorn on his lap. When the movie reached a part where everything was moving too slow (for him and the characters), Dowoon peeked at his hyung’s notebook. It was filled with scribbles, of keywords, phrases, a few notes written on top of some. He’s always fascinated with Younghyun’s writing from the start. Younghyun retells the endless stories he heard and watched with such care and feelings, the way he wants to convey his though his drums.
“What do you think about love, hyung?” he asked, breaking Younghyun’s trance from the movie to look at him.
“Well, I think it’s beautiful. If not I wouldn’t write all those songs, right?” he jokingly answered at first, but he saw that Dowoon's stare stayed the same, as if it wasn’t the answer he was looking for, and he continued. “It’s.. complicated, don’t you think? We sing about it all the time, hell, I write about it, but honestly, I never really know either. It’s scary, it’s exciting, it’s a lot of things. But I like it, the feeling.” Dowoon hummed in agreement, his past memories flooding back to him, the rabbit scrunchie girl, the boy who broke his heart without even knowing about it.
“Whether it is planotic, or romantic, or even sexually,” Dowoon snorted at that, “it’s beautiful, right? Feeling something so much it’s clouding your mind, but in the same time it feels so easy it’s like breathing.”
Younghyun leaned his head to the sofa, looking up to the ceilings as if he was reminiscing. “I heard stories from my friends and read it in the letters sometimes, about their feelings and struggles over it. They are all so unique, and it makes me want to keep writing. It makes me want to pour it all to music, for everyone to know, for everyone to feel what they feel. Because it’s all different and precious, wouldn’t it be nice to feel it too even though you never experienced it in the first place?” He turned to Dowoon, locking his eyes with his, expecting an answer.
But instead, Dowoon stayed quiet. Eyes still locked to the man in front of him, whose eyes seemed to sparkle under his dim light from the TV, filled with such passion and emotion. Who made his breath hitched when the same pair of eyes turned on him. He didn’t realize his heart had been beating faster and faster with every word Younghyun spoke, the way he talked about his passion with such.. Energy. With such admiration over the stories he did and wants to tell. How he poured his soul into his lyrics and music. Dowoon found himself dumbfounded, and his hands suddenly very sweaty.
“Yeah,” Dowoon chokes out, after Younghyun’s gaze turned to a worried one when Dowoon didn’t answer him. “Yeah, it’s beautiful.”
They snapped their attention back to the TV when the girl in the movie suddenly yelled her love interest’s name. Younghyun chuckled and patted his shoulder, focusing back onto the movie in front of him, which was reaching its climax. Dowoon, on the other hand, was only trying to. Because his shoulder still felt warm from the brief touch, and his heart was still beating like crazy.
After that night, Dowoon keeps wondering if he has a crush on Younghyun. They still act like they usually do. Dowoon still wants to throw whatever he has in his hand when Younghyun starts getting on his nerves. But sometimes, when Younghyun leans closer to him when Dowoon is talking, or when the older rests his head on his when he gets sleepy during car rides, the feelings from that night starts flooding back.
He doesn’t feel this way towards the other hyungs, though. When Wonpil sneaks to his bed to cuddle at night, he feels indifferent. When Jaehyung tackles him during their gaming sessions, he just laughed it off. When Sungjin praises him during practices, he feels happy, but it doesn’t make his hands clammy. But why isn’t it the same with Younghyun?
When he hugs him from the back, when he ruffles Dowoon’s hair, when he smiled at him with such pride in his eyes and telling him that he did amazing, Dowoon feels different. He feels like he wants to cry, scream, and smile in the same time. And it’s killing him.
He later realizes that maybe, he has been treating Younghyun differently too.
He always gives Younghyun the bigger piece of meat when they’re having barbeques. They always try to give Younghyun the window seat, cause he likes looking at the road as he thinks. He always buys extra cups of ramen when he’s restocking his stash, cause he knows Younghyun will come and asks for some later (and it’s his favorite too). He writes down the movies and songs that he thinks Younghyun will like, and he always does.
He always gets out of his bed on the rare nights when Younghyun leave his room to go to the living room. He sits with him as Younghyun whispers his worries and fears to him as Dowoon wrap his arms around him. And when Younghyun apologizes for waking him up, for making him listen to him even though he should be sleeping, Dowoon always smiles at him and said that it’s okay. Because it is. Younghyun can be across the world and if he texts Dowoon that he’s sad Dowoon will probably book the earliest flight he can and get to him as soon as possible. Because he wants him to be happy.
He didn’t realize that he has been doing it, on his defense. He just does it because it felt right. It always rewards him with a soft smile on Younghyun’s face. It makes Younghyun happy. And it makes him happy too.
He has done it for so long, it has grown onto him. He didn’t even realize when the seed was planted, but when he finally realizes, the flower has grown big and strong. Has lived with him for so long, everything he does after just feels natural to him.
And he doesn’t hate it. He’s used to it after all. He’s kinda scared, to be honest. Because he knows liking or loving someone won’t always be all happy and sunshine. But everytime he feels it, he looks at Younghyun and it dies down as fast as it comes. Because liking someone that you trust is different. Because he trusts Kang Younghyun. He trusts him with his heart, that he wouldn’t take it for granted. That he will cherish it as much as he can. That he won’t break Dowoon’s heart, even if he doesn’t know about his feelings.
Younghyun is too kind, too caring, as if God created him to be the embodiment of love itself. He cares about everyone, he listens like he’s memorizing every word you say to reminisce before he sleeps, he puts everyone before himself, and the list goes on. He loves fearlessly and endlessly, whether it’s to his family, the members, the fans, and more importantly his passion. He loves with every way he can fathom and Dowoon admires him for that.
When Younghyun asked him to go to a bar with him, he almost declined. Because he felt trained over from the performance, and honestly he just wanted to rest. But Younghyun told him that it was a jazz bar and he jumped out of his bed and got ready in a blink.
The seat they got was bad, but it doesn’t matter, because his favorite drummer is performing and he’s just grateful he get to see him. “He’s my favorite! Oh my god, thank you for bringing me here hyung!” Dowoon exclaims and turns his attention back to the man beside him, and for a second the music was dimmed down in his ears, because Younghyun has been staring at him all along, instead of the performers in front of them, with the same soft smile that will always make him give up on anything for. His heart starts racing again, as if it’s trying to beat the bass playing from the speakers.
“I know,” Younghyun said, “You’ve been stressing out these days, I’m glad I can make you forget about it for a while.” Dowoon can’t help but smile, he feels his eyes watering, he doesn’t know if it’s because of the song that he barely knows the meaning to, or because he realizes that he’s fallen so deep and so long that he didn’t even realize he was.
Younghyun has always known him like he has a manual to Dowoon’s entire life. He always knows what to do when Dowoon gets stressed. He always compliments him when Dowoon feels insecure and makes sure Dowoon knows that he’s amazing. He knows all the things Dowoon likes, all the things Dowoon hates, all the things about Dowoon, and Dowoon is grateful for it.
He never knows how to return his favor, to show his gratitude, so instead, he trusts Kang Younghyun with his heart. Because whether or not Younghyun wants it, it doesn’t matter. He wrapped his heart with unspoken confessions, tied it with silent promises, ready to put it on Younghyun’s hands. Whatever Younghyun does with it, whether it’s opening it and returning it, or leaving it on the shelves until it gets dusty and forgotten, or throwing it away altogether, it doesn’t matter.
Because under the dim lights of the jazz bar, with the faint songs on the jazz performance in the background, his eyes and heart only focuses on Kang Younghyun. Like it always does. Who looks at him with such care that Dowoon wants to claim it as his new home and bask under its comfort for the rest of his life.
Because whether or not the feelings he have for Kang Younghyun is platonic, romantic, or whatever it is, it doesn't matter.
Because now, Yoon Dowoon can only muster his courage to say “Thank you, Younghyun-hyung”, that he hopes Younghyun hears over the instruments playing. Because if he’s going to express how much he appreciates the things Younghyun does for him, the times he made Dowoon feels like he’s flying on cloud nine, of how much Dowoon loves him, simple words won’t be enough. So Dowoon will wait until he can find a perfect way to show it, to confess to Kang Younghyun himself.
Until then, Dowoon will let this flower grow bigger and stronger, continuing to breathe in the euphoria of feelings, letting Kang Younghyun into his heart anytime he pleases.
Because even though no one can explain properly what love is, Dowoon is sure that this is it.