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When Jiang Cheng was seven, his parents offered him dogs for his birthday. Three little puppies he swore he would love and take care of forever. He named them Jasmine, Little love and Princess. Little did he know that forever would only last a few months and that his seventh birthday would be the last he'd remember being happy. When he looked back on all those years, the infamous CEO of Jiang Corporation could only laugh at his younger self naivety. Now with everything that happened in his life, he looked at this particular memory with a bittersweet feeling. After all, it only got worse from there. But at seven, surrounded by the unconditional love of his three new friends, he didn't care. If he had known, he surely would have burned the happiness into his soul, to remember later what it felt like. The birthdays he had had after never quite felt like that again.
At first, he didn't even notice how happiness would fade and turn into jealousy to finally vanish into complete hollowness. Now, at 28, he was well aware of it. That's why each time his lover asked for his birthday plans, Jiang Cheng would change the topic immediately, dismissing the matter completely as if it were nothing. Because to him, it truly was nothing. He wasn't even trying to hide it. Birthday parties, celebrations or whatever they were, weren't for him. And he would not insult Lan Xichen by thinking the man was oblivious to his unease on the subject. It wasn't the first time that his lover brought that matter up and Jiang Cheng knew that it wouldn't be the last either. It was already a lot that his traitor of a brother went ahead and spilled the information. If it was up to him, nobody would know and he would spend the day without doing anything remarkable as he did these last twelve years. So truly, Jiang Cheng didn't want to snap at his lover. But he was already really tired and remembering his past never did him any good. So he snapped, removing his hand from Lan Xichen's, putting it back on his side of the table.
"Why do you keep pressing the subject? Is it so hard to respect my wishes? I do not want to have a stupid birthday party of any kind. Didn't Wei Wuxian tell you that when he sold me out?"
Jiang Cheng regretted his outburst as soon as he shut his mouth. He didn't even have to look up at his lover's face to know that he was disappointed and saddened because of him. How he could bark so harshly at Lan Xichen was yet another proof that he was a terrible human being and as such, he did not deserve the efforts put in the organization of a party. Usually, at this point, Lan Xichen would relent and change the topic. This time, however, he could just not let it go. He needed to know why his lover was so adamant about his refusal, why he didn't want to change his mind. Deep down, he knew something was off with him. No one could read his lover better than him. So he had to push, to uncover the truth behind the sorrow he could see in those deep blue eyes.
"I don't want to force you, Wanyin. I just want to understand."
"There is nothing to understand. I don't like birthdays, that's all there is. I don't see why you are making a big deal about it. Birthday celebrations are lame and unnecessary. It's a waste of time, energy and resources for things that don't matter."
"But -"
"Let's just say it's a Jiang thing, okay? Us, Jiangs, do not celebrate birthdays."
There, right there, he knew Jiang Cheng was lying. He was lying and wasn't even trying to hide it. They started seeing each other two years ago but the Lans were on good terms with the Jiangs, always have been. Even more after the wedding of his baby brother to Jiang Cheng's own adopted brother. So of course, he already went to the Jiangs' big house. There were pictures on the wall. Photos of happy children smiling at each other, playing in the sand at the beach, swimming in a pond filled with lotus. Wei Wuxian, as eager as he was, had dragged them inside the living room, excited at the prospect of showing his childhood memories to his husband. Jiang Cheng was lying because he saw the photo album with his own eyes and he could distinctly recall pictures of Jiang Yan Li dressed up as a princess, ready to blow on eleven candles...or Wei Wuxian in a rabbit costume opening gifts wrapped in red paper. Even then, the lack of Jiang Cheng had surprised him. It's not as if he weren't on any of them but he definitely wasn't the central element and past a certain age, he just disappeared from the album altogether. When he thought back on it now, he couldn't help but think that his hate of birthday parties was linked to what he saw...or didn't see, actually.
"Then what about your sister's birthday? Or your nephew's? If I remember correctly, you were the one who almost threw a tantrum when you heard they were behind on the preparations and even for mine, you prepared so much -"
"It's not the same."
Lan Xichen frowned as he watched Jiang Cheng play with his food. He knew the younger man was trying to go for his standard « You're annoying me » look but to Lan Xichen, he just looked dejected. And as much as I wanted to know the reason behind the sorrow, he also knew when to push and when to relent. Ever the reasonable, Lan Xichen sighed and nodded, taking his lover's hand back in his and squeezing a little.
"It's okay. Let's eat, you've worked hard today too."
It wasn't that Jiang Cheng wanted to keep Lan Xichen in the dark...It was...well. That's what he was going for. Jiang Cheng didn't want him to know how utterly insignificant he was. He knew their time together was already running out. Soon enough, Lan Xichen, his Lan Huan, would uncover the supercherie and find out what a terrible man he was dating. He would open his eyes, finally, and leave. So it was selfish but by not telling him, he was winning them time. He knew he'd have to let him go eventually but for now, he wanted to make the most of their time together. Selfish and petty, that was all he was. His younger self wasn't so different. He kept asking when he shouldn't have and when he was punished for being greedy, he still had the gut to be surprised. It took him time to understand. Years and years but at long last, he understood. Some people mattered and some didn't. He didn't because he was a terrible man.
A few months after Jiang Cheng's seventh birthday, his father brought another boy into their home, announcing he would stay with them from this day on. Jiang Cheng wouldn't have minded. He didn't at first. It all started when he was forced to give up his dogs. It wasn't fair that he had to abandon his dogs, his only friends because a stranger was afraid of puppies. He had been mean to him for a short period. They fought against each other, the silence treatment was involved at some point. It even took a desperate tentative from Wei Ying to run away for Jiang Cheng to calm down. He had been a terrible brother and a horrible kid even then. So of course, months later, he understood his mistakes when he saw his father hug the boy, wishing him a happy birthday. They both looked so happy. It was the first time Jiang Cheng saw his father be that happy. And Jiang Cheng was sincerely happy for his brother too. His father had told him that Wei Ying was an orphan, that he lost his mother and his father and that Jiang Cheng had to treat him as a family because they were the only family he had left. Jiang Cheng hadn't been envious. Wei Ying deserved it. He was always smiling, always making his father smile and his sister laugh. Wei Ying was kind and soft and smart. He was his best friend, his big brother and Jiang Cheng had learned to love him even when they had nothing in common. So when his brother's birthday came along and he was his father hug the boy, Jiang Cheng was sincerely happy. He wasn't envious even days later. When he ran to his father, smiling and eyes filled with unrestrained hope, extending his arms, expecting a birthday hug only to get a pat on the head and an awkward smile. He hadn't been a really good son nor a good brother. He didn't deserve a hug. He knew his father was cautious with hugs. Maybe next year, he would earn one.
A year passed and even if his mother screamed at him a lot, Jiang Cheng thought he deserved a hug. He had been a good son and a good brother. He even defended Wei Ying when his mother was too harsh on him. Jiang Cheng didn't know why but his mother didn't like his brother, she was always screaming at him. That year, Wei Ying turned ten years old and he would turn nine days later. They were coming back from playing outside and when they went through the door, they were welcomed by people shooting happy birthday, his father, his sister, Wei Ying's friends, even his mother was there, in a corner. Confettis flew all over them, banners of best wishes were hung around the living room and at the center, the table was overflowing with gifts. Jiang Cheng played and smiled and laughed hard that day. He had been happy. Happy and excited for his own birthday to come. During the week leading to his birthday, he looked around the house for clues that would indicate any surprise reserved to him. It was okay if the party wasn't as big since they already celebrated his brother's birthday, he would be happy with just a little celebration. When he couldn't find a lead, he only concluded that they were very good at hiding gifts and very good at acting. On the day of his actual birthday, he tried to act innocent, but on the inside he was restless. All-day long, he waited and waited and waited, when his mother caught him sneaking into his father's office, she looked at him as if she knew what he was doing, she looked really sad too, not even angry, but she only sighed turning her back on him. The day went on, without any party in sight. His father was late, still at his office in the city. When he came back, Jiang Cheng ran to him. It was okay if he couldn't have a party after all. Wei Ying already had one, it was pointless to organize two parties in a row. Jiang Fengmian patted his head, wishing him a happy birthday, a dog plushie as a gift and then, they had dinner. Jiang Cheng didn't eat, only a little just to pretend. Suddenly, he wasn't hungry anymore. He still smiled, because he was the birthday boy, but it didn't reach his eyes anymore. He could feel the gaze of his mother on him, so he tried to act like everything was okay. She still called him in her office right after. He went there fully expecting to get scolded. However, she only asked him to sit at the place opposite, on the sofa occupying the room. She pushed a bowl of soup towards him. She still looked strict but the crease between her brows softened. He was her son, so of course, she saw when he didn't eat, of course, she saw the disappointment in his eyes. Yet she couldn't offer him kind words, she wasn't soft nor affectionate but she loved her son. At least, unlike his husband, she could offer him her presence. They ate in silence. Nobody knows it but the original recipe for the lotus root and pork rib soup came from her. It was different from his sister's version, way spicier...so spicy that even Wei Ying would cry. So Jiang Cheng cried but nobody could tell if it came from the sorrow or the spices.
When Jiang Cheng turned ten, his father wasn't at home. He was on a business trip. Jiang Cheng waited all the same. He spent his day sitting next to the phone, waiting for his father to call. His mother called him in her office and they ate soup. It was less spicy but they still didn't talk. When he was done, he took his place next to the phone. He knew the hours weren't the same where his father was currently staying but when he wasn't there for his sister and his brother's birthdays, he did call. So he waited, and waited and waited and waited some more. He waited even when it became clear that there would be no phone call. Maybe it was his fault for being too greedy in the previous years. He should have been happy with a pat on the head. Instead, he had wished for a hug and then a surprise party and now, he had nothing. Jiang Cheng fell asleep on the sofa that night, only to wake up in his bed.
At eleven, Jiang Cheng forsook the idea of birthday parties. He decided that he would take what he got and that would be okay. He'd be okay with just a bowl of soup made by his mother and a pat on the head from his father. After all, he wasn't kind enough or smart enough or funny enough. Needless to say that he had tried. But trying wasn't enough and when he was there, her mother always screamed and his father never smiled and sometimes he would be mean to his brother because that was who he was: a bad person who didn't deserve hugs for his birthdays...or any other occasions for that matter. He just wasn't enough, he knew. Thankfully, he still had his brother and his sister and they would always spend the day with him.
At twelve, Jiang Cheng concluded that he didn't deserve to have a brother as kind as Wei Ying. He also finally understood why he never got to have birthday parties like everyone else. He wasn't hiding, he swore he wasn't. But leaving hadn't been an option. In his father's office, he could hear his brother pleading his case. Wei Ying was planning a party for his birthday. Jiang Cheng remembered how warm he felt at the moment, how much he loved his brother and how guilty he felt for the way he behaved against him sometimes...when he was envious and stupid. He also remembered his father's words and he understood. His father had said that the only things worth celebrating were the things that mattered. Jiang Fengmian had said that he, Jiang Cheng, was the heir. That he would inherit the company and as the future CEO, he couldn't afford to waste money, time and energy on a child's whim, that he couldn't be spoiled. He also said that they would organize a party for his fifteenth birthday where he would be introduced as Jiang Fengmian's heir. At twelve, Jiang Cheng understood that he didn't deserve his brother's kindness and that he didn't matter, not really. Only Jiang Wanyin, the future CEO of Jiang Corporation mattered.
At thirteen, Jiang Cheng forgot he was already fourteen, a bowl of soup for the sole reminder.
At sixteen, Wei Wuxian got called into their father's office. When he came out of it, he was smiling so brightly, Jiang Cheng nearly pucked. But his brother had reasons to be happy. He got offered a new car and driving lessons. I could drive Lan Zhan around, he had joked. On the same day, Jiang Cheng was also called in his father's office. Wei Wuxian, as the optimist he was, swore that his little brother would receive the same gift. Jiang Cheng knew he shouldn't have listened to him, but somehow his hopes were rising. Only to be turned to ashes minutes after, for when he stood in front of his father, it was only to be reminded that he would be introduced to the board in a week. So, at fifteen, they celebrate Jiang Wanyin's birthday. He didn't even try to smile and they soon conclude that he was the proud son of his mother.
And then the years have passed. He blinked and he was eighteen. Blinked and he was twenty, freshly named CEO of the Jiang Corporation after his father's early retirement due to a bad deal done with the Wen. Blinked again and he was twenty-eight soon to be twenty-nine.
Lan Xichen was ready. After weeks and weeks of preparations, he was finally ready. These last few days were hell to survive. Avoiding Jiang Cheng, lying to him wasn't something he was used to doing nor did he ever want to do it again. But it was important. Sometimes, life asked for sacrifices and if a little time away from the man he loved could secure his plans, then it was worth it. Jiang Cheng was worth it. He knew from Wei Wuxian that throwing him a surprise party was a really bad idea. Actually, for once, his brother-in-law wasn't keen on his plan and he kept warning him about it. And maybe he should have listened to him. It took only five minutes for everything to be ruined. Five minutes and one text message from his beloved. Lan Xichen couldn't help but stare at the letters displayed on the screen. Let's break up? What did he mean? How could he ask him something like that? Why ? Where was it coming from? What was he supposed to do now? Just accept it? No! He couldn't break up with the man he loved on a whim. Badly shaken, completely lost, Lan Xichen drove right to Jiang Cheng's loft. When he arrived, he ran up the stairs, struggling to find the keys in his pockets. He was probably being loud since Jiang Cheng appeared at the door. He looked tired almost lethargic and his eyes were red while his skin was disturbingly white.
"What?"
Lan Xichen tried to smile, he really tried but even with years of experience, he couldn't conjure it up. He could feel his heart beating way too fast and his hands were shaking still. Yet he still pushed through, finding hope when Jiang Cheng let him in. Maybe he had a chance to change his mind. He was well aware of his lover's stubbornness. Usually, he found it endearing. He loved everything in the man in front of him. If they were to truly break up, he was sure he could not live with it. "
Why ?" he asked, helpless, trying hard not to sound too desperate, not because he was ashamed but because he needed to be understandable.
"Weren't you going to? You kept avoiding me. You were always on a trip, always to busy to answer your phone. Just to send me this? “Let's meet tomorrow, I need to tell you something” Wasn't it what you were going to tell me? That you wanted to break up? Here, I made it easy for you."
Lan Xichen laughed. Was it all a joke? How could he deduce that he wanted to break up with him on a simple text? It had to be a joke. It had to. Lan Xichen knew about the insecurities of his beloved. He knew them and yet, he went on and created a stupid misunderstanding. But breaking up? Just for this? It had to be something else, something more? What if Jiang Cheng was tired of him and took this opportunity to leave him?
"See? You have nothing to say."
"No, that's not what you think, it's not -"
"It's fine. I knew it wouldn't last. I'm not blind and neither are you. You should be with someone better, someone kinder and brighter. I-I'm not a great person to stay around and not the best lover one can wish for. But it's okay, A-Huan. Two years...it's a lot for someone like me. Thank you for the time we had."
Each sentence was like a stab in his heart and Lan Xichen felt the tears rolling down his face. He was the only blind man, how could he look at himself and miss out on the wonderful man he was? He wanted to take him in his arm and to reassure him, to tell him that he didn't want someone better, that no one could ever compare to him. But he was frozen in place, he couldn't move nor say anything. Somehow, he knew he had to fix this. All of this started because he didn't listen to his brother-in-law. A misunderstanding, this was all it was. And he knew how to fix it. But for this, he needed to get a grip on himself. He breathed, in and out, in and out. Without warning, he placed his hand on each side of his lover's face, forcing him to look straight at him.
"You're obviously not in your right mind. I will leave and come back tomorrow. I swear I will. And I'll explain everything to you, why I acted the way I did. But know this. I love you A-Cheng. Now and forever."
He kissed his forehead, fighting against himself not to kiss him again and again.
"I'll be here, tomorrow. Wait for me."
Jiang Cheng didn't sleep at all that night. He could still feel Lan Xichen's lips on his skin, he could still hear his voice, telling him that he loved him. He could still see the tears rolling down his handsome face...all because of him. Yet another proof that Lan Xichen deserved better. Not someone as gloomy as him, he never smiled whereas his lover was so bright he rivaled the sun. Jiang Cheng truly loved Lan Xichen, that's why he had to let him go. It was always like that. He was meant to have a limited stay in the life of the people he loved. His father forgot he was there when he brought back Wei Wuxian. Then Wei Wuxian met Lan Wangji and A-Li met that stupid peacock and founded a family. All in all, he was okay with it. It was lonely but at least they were happy. So despite the older man's reassuring words, Jiang Cheng still doubted that he would stay. Things always look better in the morning, surely he would accept their break up and he'd come back only to confirm it. For now, Jiang Cheng chose to think about something else. Today, he'd be even busier than the other days. He had to visits business partners and worksites, driving for hours, spending time with men he could barely stand. When he came back to his place, he was exhausted. So exhausted he nearly forgot the promise Lan Xichen made the day before. But the lights were on. Only it looked like nobody was there. Jiang Cheng thought he'd been right. His ex-lover came to retrieve his things and must have left forgetting to turn off the lights. Good thing that he forbid his heart to hope, the fall wouldn't be that hard. Jiang Cheng was aiming for his room, too tired to even eat but he had to turn off the lights. When he entered the dining room, he stumbled upon a romantic setup, candlelights, and food on the table and when he raised his head, deep blue met golden hues and the soothing voice of Lan Xichen welcomed him.
"Welcome home, A-Cheng."
Jiang Cheng was at loss for words. And Lan Xichen took advantage of his stupor to make him seat opposite him, pushing a bowl of soup towards him. Lan Xichen could read the exhaustion on his beloved's face. The bags under his eyes were deep and he looked like he lost some weight while Xichen was away, attempting the impossible. He swore to himself that he'd make up for it, for every night these past few weeks Jiang Cheng went to sleep thinking he was growing tired of him. Lan Xichen waited for the younger man to taste the soup. He drank slowly at first, eyes watering, but soon enough he was done with his bowl and when he raised his head, he was crying.
"I hope you loved it. Your mother nearly killed me for this."
"You went to see my mother?"
Lan Xichen smiled and took Jiang Cheng's hand, kissing each one of his fingers.
"I told you I would explain myself, didn't I? Can you go and wait for me in the living room?"
Jiang Cheng nodded, still a little lost but he moved anyway, sitting on the couch. He didn't know what to think about this. Why did he go to see his mother? Why was he leaning awkwardly on the doorstep of their room?
"Close your eyes and do not open them before I tell you to."
Jiang Cheng raised an eyebrow but complied, too curious to know what was going to happen next.
"I know you said you didn't want anything and I know I should have handled the situation differently. I'm sorry if you thought I stopped loving you. I never did, A-Cheng. I love you, I don't want anyone else but you. I don't care about anyone else but you."
Jiang Cheng could hear his lover approaching but he was louder than his usual self, almost clumsy which only made Jiang Cheng even more curious. He was almost tempted to cheat and take a peek when he felt the couch sink next to him.
"Okay, now open your eyes."
In front of him, three puppies were looking at him, trying and failing to climb on his legs. The three of them were wearing a collar. Each one displaying a different name. Little love, Princess and Jasmine. All this time, Lan Xichen was trying to attempt the impossible. He had to go through Madam Yu to learn more about his son, about his birthdays. He had to taste her soup, thinking he would escape unscathed but Yu Ziyuan's soup had nothing to do with Jiang Yanli's recipe and he nearly died right there. But he survived it and so he won the right to hear about his lover's life. His mother-in-law entrusting him with a photo album filled with Jiang Cheng only. Finding the dogs was even harder and the main reason for his prolonged absence. Of course, they weren't the same puppies but they were the descendants of the dogs Jiang Cheng had to give away. He suffered for months, following trails that lead to nowhere but in the end, it was all worth it.
"Happy Birthday, A-Cheng. Let's celebrate it each year from now on."
Jiang Cheng was crying or maybe he was laughing but most importantly, he was happy. Without thinking, he kissed Lan Xichen, thinking that from now on, he wouldn't mind celebrating his birthday each year with this man.