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Kylo didn't like to think about the times that he'd given in to tears. His mind played back his memories like holovideos. The emotions bled from him like he was there--every single Force-damned time. The scav-- Rey , before him, over and over and over.
He couldn't deny what she made him feel; he couldn't ignore it for any reason.
No matter the circumstances, no matter what surrounded her, when Rey starred in his visions, every single time he saw her coming toward him, imploring him to come to the light, asking for him to do something . . . anything . . .
He would.
He'd do anything.
He'd take on anything. Any enemy. Any foe.
Stand on guard, hold a defense, shield her, set himself between her and danger, red blade snapping and hissing, daring the entire galaxy to come at him, making it clear that the path to her was through him.
Even as he lost himself in thoughts of being her hero, he knew that she was perfectly capable of holding her own. He knew that; he’d seen it.
Maybe he'd lost his mind. Yes--that might be it.
Well, that might be it. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it required a turn in her mind--a giving over to her own feelings. A spark, plus her own innate skill.
He believed that she knew, deep, deep down in her heart and in her Force-sense . . .
Didn't she?
Couldn't she say or do just the right thing at the right time? The words that would save him, the actions that could deliver him?
And when the shadows came, her light could cast protection over them both.
He waited, waited for her, even as he knew that he'd driven her away when he'd had his chance to draw her to him forever.
Stupid, stupid words spoken after the stress of battle.
She'd rejected his offer, probably rightly.
He knew he lacked reason when it came to her, when it came to the wreckage of his past.
The flaws in his reason, though, when they screamed at him? They were loud in a way that he couldn't ignore.
But? Every time they screamed? A bit of his clarity swooped in on their backs. They must be working in tandem to make him feel he'd lost his mind.
So, when he even entertained the idea that his salvation had come in the form of a ragged desert woman? When he even pinned his battered hope on her as the spark that reignited his light?
He'd shake his head to clear it, and all those foolish notions disappeared.
Until they came back.