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How long has it been since they last saw each other? It was a question that Youngjae could never answer because it has been too long for him to remember. As he was getting ready for work, Youngjae went into the kitchen and hesitated if he should eat. He’s not quite sure when he started doing this, but he’d find himself coming into the kitchen only to leave. Despite moving into this new apartment just recently, the kitchen he’s hardly ever used keeps reminding him of all the mornings he’d shared with Jaebum. They always had breakfast together and seeing Jaebum’s smile first thing everyday was the one thing Youngjae always cherished.
But now it’s been difficult. Youngjae no longer had the appetite to eat anything and decided to go to work. He walked over to his couch and took his coat off from where it was resting. It almost seemed like he was in a rush, but he wasn’t sure why. Perhaps staying in this room for too long would give him more reasons to think about Jaebum.
It was quite cold outside. Even though Youngjae had a car, he decided to walk instead. It was the one thing that helped him feel calm during times like these. There were one or two bakeries on the way, but Youngjae didn’t stop for either of them. As good as it sounded to have a freshly made pastry, warm and ready to eat on a cold day, Youngjae didn’t have any interest in them anymore. No, it only reminded him of those times when Jaebum and him would go out on a bakery run if they didn’t want to eat at home.
Is he doing okay? After all these years, has Jaebum been doing well and taking care of himself? By the time Youngjae made his way to work, the meeting he was assigned to had already started. He wasn’t late often, but there have definitely been days where Youngjae was sidetracked. Maybe the walk here wasn’t as helpful as he thought.
Is he drinking enough water? Is he making sure to keep himself hydrated? Youngjae made his way over to a water dispenser to get a drink. He may not be eating as much as he should, but water was not something he could pass on. Little things like this makes him worry a little for Jaebum if he has been doing the same. Two water cups in, Youngjae figured it was best that he checked into the meeting.
So it was a long day, and Youngjae was very eager to get home. He was tired from sitting all day completing paperwork, and he was starving. He should’ve had something to eat. Because it was dark out when Youngjae finished his shift, it was safer to take the bus home. Walking home at night only makes him look vulnerable, that’s why Jaebum would be waiting outside for him so that they can walk back together. But that’s not a thing that happens anymore, so the bus it is.
Youngjae took off his shoes and immediately plopped onto his couch. He was uncertain if he should eat because of how hungry he was, or if he should just go to sleep because he was so tired. Is he sleeping well? Youngjae felt his eyes getting heavier, and then there was a sudden feeling of warmth he had missed for a long time. The apartment was large enough for one person, but why did it suddenly feel too big for Youngjae as if it was meant for two? He hugged himself tightly only to feel himself getting colder, but he was slowly drifting to sleep. He really does miss Jaebum a lot.
The early mornings used to be Jaebum’s favorite time of day, but now he stopped looking forward to it. He’s been finding it difficult to get out of bed because he lost his motivation. He could get a few hours of extra sleep, but his body wouldn’t stop waking him up at this time. It’s almost like an instinct that he can’t control, so going back to sleep was not an option he had. Where did we go wrong? Jaebum asked himself every morning when he woke up, but it wasn’t something he could answer so easily. Because quite frankly, nothing went wrong. Perhaps they just drifted apart naturally.
After some time, Jaebum finally got out of his room and decided to take a shower. Maybe freshening up would help keep his mind off of these types of questions. He felt more awake than before and decided to get dressed to make his way to his studio. This was the only way Jaebum knew how to spend his time, which was writing lyrics when he could.
Before heading out, Jaebum grabbed a water bottle out from his fridge to take a few sips. He doesn’t eat at home, at least not anymore, because his team would usually leave small snacks back at the studio. Is he eating alright? Jaebum remembers how difficult it can be for Youngjae to eat, but hopes that it hasn’t been like that for him these past few years. Thinking about it more makes him worry and that’s when Jaebum realized he should get going.
The studio was always quiet by the time Jaebum gets there, but he enjoyed it because the silent ambiance helped him focus better. He brought his notebook out, the one he used specifically for writing out his thoughts and whenever he thinks of lyrics that are worth taking note of. He sat there for a minute, and then it became two minutes. Those two minutes became three, and suddenly it felt like forever. The new page of his notebook that he had opened to was still blank, nothing came to him. Maybe the silence wasn’t as helpful as he thought.
Sometimes during Youngjae’s breaks during his two biggest shifts, he would come visit Jaebum at his studio. And if the timing couldn’t be any better, this was when Jaebum would be really focused in writing his songs. So having Youngjae bother him with attention and love only distracted him, but that’s not a thing that happens anymore.
If it was all for the better, why was Jaebum hoping Youngjae would come see him right now? He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, not really sure how to move on from here. It seemed like today would be like any other day for Jaebum, just unproductive.
He didn’t stay very long at his studio, maybe a little before sunset did he start to head back home. As he was about to walk out, he took one final look at the room. He had composed many songs with his team here, but none have compared to the times he spent with Youngjae. Now he wondered what Youngjae did to pass time during his breaks, since they’re no longer doing this anymore. Is he giving himself the time to do the things he loves now? Has he been able to pick up the new hobbies he’d always wanted to try? Jaebum wasn’t in a hurry to leave his studio this time, but he wasn’t sure why. Perhaps he wanted to think about Youngjae more because these memories were the only thing that kept him going.
Last night was nothing important to note, other than the fact that Jaebum lounged around all evening until he called it a day. The next morning, this really bad craving for strawberry bread that Jaebum hasn’t had in a long time came back. This craving happened frequently because there’s no way he could resist anything strawberry, but the only bakery that made the best kind was the store he went with Youngjae.
He couldn’t push himself to actually go because of this, but this has been going on for months. Maybe something as small as this could be counted as a step closer to moving on.
His place was a bit farther than before, so the drive there took longer. It was worth the wait when he walked inside the bakery to see a fresh batch of strawberry bread coming out. It felt like Jaebum couldn’t move anymore than he already did at first, because the memories were overwhelming him immensely, but he got what he was craving for.
Jaebum pocketed his wallet after paying and when he made his way out, he saw Youngjae leaning in towards the bakery window to get a closer look at the pastries. He turned around and for a moment it felt like everything stopped moving for the both of them. They looked at each other, hearts beating so fast, not fully grasping the situation at hand, but also had so much that they wanted to say at the same time.
Until they both asked each other in their softest voice, “How are you?”