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Ren has a boyfriend, and his boyfriend’s name is Takumi. Shosei doesn’t know Takumi well, but he thinks that if Ren likes Takumi, Takumi has to be a pretty amazing person, because Ren is an amazing person.
It’s funny how Ren and Takumi got together, because Shosei was there to help Ren out during the process, to listen to Ren talk about how he admired how hardworking Takumi was and never really thought he would’ve had to deal with Takumi suddenly confessing to him just when he thought he was okay being only friends. It took about 2 weeks of encouragement from Shosei before Ren manned up and asked Takumi out on a date, and if Shosei remembers correctly it’s already been around 4 months since then.
Shosei doesn’t really see Takumi around a lot, whether when he hangs out with Ren alone or when they’re hanging out with the rest of their friends. Ren says it’s because Takumi is a little shy (scared) of meeting them, and Shosei thinks that’s fine, because he knows they can be a little loud sometimes. He always almost tells Ren to bring Takumi around regardless, but he always swallows the words when he sees that little smile that tugs on the corners of Ren’s lips whenever he talks about Takumi.
That little smile, it’s so soft, so genuine, Shosei always feels as if he’s intruding on something private when he sees it, and it burns his eyes as if he was looking directly at the sun.
Shosei doesn’t know how to feel about his feelings. He also doesn’t know what his feelings are. He’s always considered Ren one of his best friends, and that means he’s always been touchy with Ren. Hugging Ren when he feels happy, clinging onto Ren when he feels sad, poking and squishing Ren’s cheeks when he feels cheeky, playing with Ren’s fingers when he’s bored… it all feels like second nature to Shosei.
That’s why, when Ren started dating Takumi, Shosei became a little confused. Is it okay for him to hug Ren like he used to, cling onto Ren like he used to, and hold Ren’s hands like he used to if Ren now has someone else who’s supposed to do that? Ren doesn’t seem to mind when Shosei still does though, so Shosei takes that Ren is still okay with it.
Shosei doesn’t feel that okay though, because he doesn’t like the fact that he’s not the only one that can do that to Ren anymore. He doesn’t know how close Ren and Takumi are, ah, physically, but imagining Ren and Takumi hugging, holding hands, cuddling, it does something weird to Shosei’s heart.
Shosei doesn’t know what’s going on, because if he is a good friend, shouldn’t he be feeling happy for Ren because Ren is happy with Takumi? But reality is that, sometimes, Shosei thinks about taking Ren away from Takumi and keeping Ren all for himself. Shosei knows that he’s being selfish, but thinking about that makes his brows furrow and he doesn’t like it.
So when Ren appears with a smile and asks Shosei what’s on his mind, Shosei shakes his head pulls him down in the seat next to him, at their table outside the library (because there are no drinks allowed inside the library but Ren likes to drink his drink of the day) where he’s been waiting. It’s a mid-October day but with the way the sun is shining and the breeze is blowing, it feels like it’s still summer.
Shosei listens to Ren talk about his day, playing with Ren’s fingers as he rambles on. Ren is cute, Shosei thinks, when he’s all happy like this, like a little kid who’s just been given a lifetime’s supply of chocolates. He actually doesn’t usually talk about Takumi much, but Shosei knows that that doesn’t mean Ren likes Takumi any less; Ren just keeps his relationship low key. Shosei doesn’t know if he appreciates that or not.
“Hey, Shosei, are you listening?” Ren pokes at Shosei’s cheek and Shosei starts. Ren laughs at Shosei’s reaction and squishes Shosei’s cheeks softly. “I asked, should we get started on your homework now?” Shosei rubs at his cheeks where he can still feel the phantom touch of Ren’s fingers, and then pouts. “Yeah, let’s start.”
Asking Ren to tutor him in math may have been the best and the worst decision Shosei has ever made because, while Shosei’s math grade is actually improving because Ren is an amazing teacher, the way Ren always leans in close to Shosei when reading his work has started to make Shosei feel hot ever since he realized that his feelings towards Ren may not have been as simple as he thought they were.
It takes them a good three hours before Shosei finally understands everything on his homework, and the sun has begun to set when Ren stands up to stretch. Although Ren isn’t tall, his body proportions are very good and his slim but slightly muscular build gives him a very dependable aura.
“Let’s go get dinner, my treat.” The setting sun hits Ren from the back, framing him in a golden glow. Shosei takes the hand Ren puts out and pulls himself up out of the chair, where his butt felt almost permanently glued to after these past few hours. Shosei doesn’t let go of Ren’s hand even after he’s stood up but Ren doesn’t pull his hand away either. They hold hands all the way to the restaurant, only letting go when they sit down opposite each other at their table.
Shosei doesn’t realize how hungry he was until the food came and he finds himself literally wolfing down his bento. Ren laughs at him from across the table and Shosei pulls a face at him. “Don’t laugh at me, I’ve worked hard all afternoon.”
“Of course you did,” Ren nods solemnly. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t laugh at you when you’re eating like someone who hasn’t eaten in the past month.”
Shosei was about to snatch a piece of Ren’s meat as revenge when Ren speaks again. “Don’t worry, it’s cute.”
Shosei almost chokes on his food. He raises an eyebrow at Ren, but Ren just shrugs, smiles, and goes back to his food. Shosei thinks maybe he’s overreacting (probably likely), but also maybe that he should stop hanging out with Ren because surely, it’s probably not healthy to spend so much time with the someone who’s unintentionally giving Shosei false hope on all the time.
Dinner ends peacefully without Shosei having to almost choke on his food again, luckily for him. Shosei is about to thank Ren for the meal and maybe head home when Ren suggests, “Let’s go walk around! You need walk off all those calories you just consumed.”
And that’s how Shosei found himself in what is apparently Ren’s favorite park, lying on the grassy field, next to Ren who is staring up at the night sky. They lie next to each other quietly in the darkness, a careful distance between them that’s neither too close nor too far.
“This is my favorite place to be at and my favorite thing to do when I have a lot on my mind,” Ren tells him, suddenly breaking silence.
Shosei looks over at Ren. “What’s up? You know I’m always here if you need to talk.”
Ren smiles a little tight smile. “I know,” he replies simply, then letting the silence fall over them again.
Shosei rolls over onto his side and looks at Ren looking at the stars. He doesn’t like it when Ren isn’t happy, because he thinks Ren is someone who should be happy all the time, because Ren is always thinking for other people and always tries his best to make everyone else happy. Because Ren always makes Shosei happy, even now, even when Shosei is just watching Ren, he thinks that with silver light highlighting Ren’s sharp features, Ren is a thousand times more beautiful than any painting.
Ren notices Shosei’s gaze on him after a while, and he turns to face him. They’re suddenly close, closer than Shosei expected. Shosei freezes.
Ren’s face is close, so close Shosei can feel his breath on his face and see the reflections of the stars in Ren’s eyes.
Shosei laughs, a puff of air escaping from his lips. “What am I doing?” he asks, shifting even closer to Ren. Ren doesn’t smile, but he doesn’t move back either. Shosei could probably count Ren’s eyelashes if he tried.
“You tell me,” Ren replies, so soft Shosei almost thought it was just an exhale. Shosei drops his eyes to Ren’s lips for a brief second before looking up again. Ren’s eyes are so dark, but so bright at the same time.
“Tell me to stop.” Shosei whispers. It’s so quiet. It’s so scary. It feels like this moment could break anytime soon. Ren doesn’t say anything.
Shosei finds Ren’s hands and squeezes them gently. “I’m sorry,” he breathes onto Ren’s lips before closing the gap between them. Ren’s lips are cold but soft. Shosei doesn’t know how long they stay like that. Maybe it was a few seconds, or a few minutes. When Shosei pulls back, his eyes are wet.
Ren opens his eyes to find Shosei’s eyes bright with tears. He reaches out and gathers Shosei in his arms. “Shh, don’t cry. It’s okay,” Ren murmurs into Shosei’s hair.
Shosei wants to punch Ren, hard in his face preferably, because it’s most definitely NOT okay, but he’s sniffling and Ren is hugging him and stroking his hair and he really would live in this moment for the rest of his life if he could.
“This is what I’ve been trying to think about,” Ren whispers into Shosei’s hair, and Shosei just burrows into Ren’s embrace more. He doesn’t want to make Ren feel troubled. Maybe he should’ve stayed away from Ren, but the selfish part of him is asking, isn’t this what you wanted, and Shosei hates that his answer to that question is still, and will probably always be, yes.
Shosei collects himself sometime later. He wipes his tears, detaches himself from Ren’s arms (which let him go without resistance), and looks at Ren in the eyes. “What do I do?”
And Ren, strong Ren, beautiful Ren, perfect Ren, looks back at Shosei helplessly and says, “I don’t know.”
“I think it’s best if we take some time away from each other,” Shosei says, quietly but firmly. He reaches out to wipe away the tears that have welled out of Ren’s eyes, and then stands up and pulls Ren up with him so they’re standing face to face.
“Okay,” Ren replies. He takes a deep breath. “Thank you for today, Shosei, I really enjoyed it.”
“Me too,” Shosei smiles bitterly. “See you in a few.”
“A few? Hours? Days? Weeks?”
“However long it takes for both of us.”
“What if it takes a really long time?”
“I’ll always be here.”
And, as Shosei starts to walk home with only the stars to accompany him, he lets out a deep breath. It’s a solid end for now, and there may be a new, better beginning that is about to come. He thinks that that’s good enough, for him, for now.