Chapter Text
The room was dark, the vanity still scattered with Genya’s handiwork. I hardly noticed, only wanting the comfort of my bed. I thought I would be happy to see Mal again, to know he was safe and alive. But I wasn’t. I felt nothing, well no that wasn’t accurate. I was hurt. I thought about the countless letters I’d sent to him and nothing came back, not even a whisper. But then tonight, he was here at the ball. He’d seen what I could do, the power I’d found but he wasn’t proud of me or happy for me. I thought ruefully back to when we were children. If I’d had that power then, well I had it, but I wasn’t using it, but if I did, I knew Mal would’ve been excited for me. Instead, he looked at me like I was nothing like my skills were nothing. He looked at me like I was a stranger, not the only family either of us had had back at Duke Keramasov’s.
He was the reason I’d pushed it down because I knew I would’ve had to leave, my only friend, only family for this. I cast my eyes around my darkened bedroom. The finery, the comfort, nothing I’d had back at the orphanage with Ana Kuya. Only cold looks and slaps when I’d been bad. I thought about the Grisha I’d met since coming to the Little Palace. Sure, some of them were not the nicest and some of them thought I was a curiosity, but they were different in the same way I was.
I had cried after Mal had spoken so cruelly but as I sat in my room, I felt all out of tears, my face stiff and cold. What a whirlwind, the night had started with so much excitement and promise. I’d felt powerful, beautiful, envied even as I entered on the arm of the Darkling, wearing his colors. It was exhilarating being with him and not just because he was a living amplifier. He made me feel like myself, a self I didn’t know existed. But with a few words, I was back to feeling like the ugly, misplaced little girl, following after Mal, hoping he’d notice me as something more.
But I was done caring about Mal. I thought about the Darkling, the promise he whispered in my ear, and I felt my stomach flutter with nerves and anticipation. I’d always thought or maybe hoped that my first time would be with Mal, that he’d finally notice me and sweep me off my feet. But those were just dreams that had comforted me during my time in the cartography tent. It wasn’t real and it would never be real.
I lit a lamp at the vanity and assessed my face. Genya’s fixes were still mostly present but my eyes were red and my cheeks tearstained. Genya was still downstairs at the ball and I didn’t want to interrupt, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell her why I wanted her powers again. My black kefta was a little wrinkled from throwing myself into my room and I smoothed it out. I pinched my cheeks to bring back some color and wiped delicately at my eyes. I still wasn’t as pretty as I hoped but I looked less like I’d spent part of the evening crying. I was about to begin clearing off the vanity when there was a knock at the door. My nerves jumped again, and my hands felt clammy. I clenched my fists and took a steadying breath and I opened the door.
It wasn’t the Darkling.
“Mal.” I gasped. He looked worse for wear. His hair was messy and tangled like he’d raked his hands through it, and he gave off a general air of exhaustion and misery.
“Alina.” He said, quietly, eyes staring intently.
“What do you want?” I asked. I folded my arms around my chest and leaned against the door. I wasn’t about to let him into my room. A thought struck me then. “How did you even find me?” I asked.
“I bribed one of the guards, told him I was a Grisha,” Mal said with a shrug. “But Alina.” He stopped, looked down at his feet. “I’m sorry.” He said, the words coming out in a rush.
I sighed. “Ok, Mal.” I moved to close the door in his face.
“Wait.” He said, holding up a hand.
I stopped.
“I am so sorry, Alina. I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I didn’t mean it. I just-“ He broke off again.
I interceded. “Mal, what you said really hurt me, you, you’re my family but you, you never answered my letters.” I held up a hand before he could interrupt to tell me he never got any of my letters. “You could have written to me . You knew where I was.” I could feel tears prickling at the corners of my eyes and my throat closing but I forced it back down. “I just needed to know you were ok,” I said.
Mal looked stricken and pale. “Alina, I am so sorry. I – it was stupid. That’s my only excuse, I was an idiot and I’m sorry.”
“I just thought you’d be happy for me,” I said. I was still confused about his earlier behavior. I’d always wanted the best for him, shouldn’t he have wanted the same for me?
“I am happy for you. A sun summoner! That’s amazing Alina. I knew you were destined for something better than cartography.” Mal said and I could hear the pride in his tone.
“But then why did you say all that stuff before? You certainly didn’t seem happy for me then.” I said.
“It wasn’t about you Alina; it was about him ,” Mal said, venom creeping into his tone.
“Him?” I said, confused. “You mean the Darkling ?”
“He’s not a good person, Alina. He’s not human.” Mal said.
“He’s my friend.” I spat and saw Mal wince. “He’s helped me, I wouldn’t even be the Sun Summoner without him,” I said.
“Oh yes, he’s definitely helped you. You two are very friendly.” Mal sneered.
I blushed. He hadn’t seen the Darkling and I, but he had seen the aftermath. Oh, Saints . I thought.
Mal noticed my blush and his glare intensified. “So, it’s like that, is it?” He asked.
“What do you care?” I cried. I was so tired of all of this. “You don’t want me, why is it a crime if someone else does?” But as soon as the words left my mouth, I knew they were a mistake.
Mal stiffened, eyes going wide with shock. I knew my face was a mirror of his, neither of us knowing what to say, standing frozen in front of my room.
Mal was the first to speak, “Alina, what?”
“Never mind, forget I said anything.” I wanted to close the door in his face and retreat back to the safety of my room.
“Alina,” He started again, a look I’d never seen before on his face. “Do you want me?” He asked.
“No!” I said, but I was blushing, and my no did not sound convincing even to my own ears.
“Alina.” Mal crooned stepping forward.
Before I had time to blink his lips were on mine, body pressing me into the door. He kissed me slowly, and tentatively I kissed him back.
But there was nothing. I wanted to cry a little bit at that. Mal’s kiss was not unpleasant and I could tell he was skillful, but I felt nothing.
The kiss ended and we broke apart. Mal was staring at me and I was helpless not to stare back.
Suddenly I was glad he’d kissed me. All my inner turmoil was suddenly made clear as if I’d accidentally harnessed my ability right then and there. I didn’t want Mal, not like that, not like the way I wanted the Darkling. Mal was a remnant of my past, of my time with Ana Kuya and at the orphanage. He was always going to be part of my life and part of me was always going to love him but not like that not anymore. Part of me would also always be resentful towards him. I’d followed him around like a lovesick child for so long, it was humiliating. I’d pushed down my gift because of him because I didn’t want to leave him but part of me would always wonder what could have been.
I was so lost in my inner thoughts that I didn’t notice Mal leaning in to kiss me again until his lips were on mine.
I pushed at his chest and he backed off. I stared up at his face.
“No, Mal,” I said softly.
I saw his face change, he looked confused and a little lost.
“But you just said…” He trailed off.
“My feelings have changed,” I told him. “Part of me will always love you,” I said and watched hope return to his face. “But,” I quickly added, “Not like that. You’re my family Mal.” I said and I hoped it would be enough. I hoped he wasn’t hearing what I was carefully avoiding. But I knew he was. We knew each other too well for secrets.
“You want him , don’t you?” He sneered. Mal’s face had changed again. He was glaring down at me, angrier than I’d ever seen him. Suddenly I realized why he’d said those things to me. He was jealous. A small part of me whispered, good, now he knows how it feels . But I didn’t want him to be jealous. I didn’t want him to be mad at me.
“Mal, please,” I said.
“Admit it. You want him.” He said.
I sighed again. “Fine, I want him. Happy?”
Mal’s shoulders drooped. “No.” He said.
“I’m sorry, Mal,” I said, I patted his cheek, a comforting friendly gesture. That’s all it was supposed to be.
But Mal didn’t accept, he grasped my hand and pushed me back, trapping me against the door as he leaned down to kiss me again.
“Mal, stop!” I shouted. Everyone was still down at the ball, no one was coming.
“I can make you want me again.” Mal snarled, head bending towards me. Although my hands were trapped, I still had my legs and I kicked, my foot landing somewhere near his gut. A breath was pushed out of him and he doubled over, freeing me from against the wall. I made a mental note to thank Bodkin for his training before taking a defensive stance. I still had my mirrors hidden in the sleeves of my kefta. I didn’t want to use it against Mal but I was ready.
“Mal,” I said when he had regained his breath. “Mal I don’t want you like that. I’m sorry.” I told him.
“Alina, please.” He said. He made a move like he was going to reach for me again and I held out my hands.
“Mal, you saw what I could do earlier. I really don’t want to hurt you, but I think it’s time for you to go.” I said. My voice was calm and cold.
“Fine,” Mal said, venom back in his tone. He stared at me, not quite angrily as he had been but there was something dark still in his eyes, lips curled downwards. “But when he breaks your heart don’t come crying back to me.” He said, a final parting shot before stalking off down the hall.
I slunk back into my room, slamming the door behind me. I wanted, no needed to cry again but I was all out of tears. I was sad but I also felt free. I thought back to the day when Baghra helped me finally and fully harness my summoner ability and how free I’d felt, how whole. Mal was my family but right now he wasn’t my friend, not anymore, not for a while. Mal had given me a gift, unconsciously and not what he intended but his kiss had set me free. I was my own person now. Alina, the sun summoner. No longer Alina the orphan or Mal’s Alina. I smiled to myself. I knew the Darkling would be coming any time now, but I wasn’t nervous anymore. I was ready for all of it.
There was a knock at my door, and I felt a peculiar sense of déjà vu. Part of wondered if it was Mal coming back to yell at or kiss me some more. But part of me was certain who was at my door.
The Darkling stood there, still dressed in his black Kefta from earlier. We match . His dark grey eyes stared at me intently. His gaze took in my appearance, traveling from the top of my head down to my feet before stopping at my face. He looked like he was studying me like he wanted to remember my face. I’d caught the Darkling studying the Grisha before like he wasn’t sure what to make of us like we were a project or a puzzle he wanted to solve. But this was different. The Darkling’s stare dropped to my mouth and his eyes narrowed. I took a step backward.
“Alina.” He said, voice quiet and slightly lethal. He followed me into my room.
“Y..y..yes?” I said anticipation and nerves making me stumble over my words.
One of the Darkling’s hands reached towards my face, cupping it, his thumb trailing down to stroke my lips. I shivered.
“What happened?” He said, voice still quiet and dangerous.
I didn’t want to say but I also knew I couldn’t lie. Not with him staring at me like he could read my mind, and stare into my soul.
“My friend came to umm visit?” I said in a rush, turning it into a question.
“Mhmm.” The Darkling said, raising his eyebrows. “And did your friend touch you?” He asked.
I didn’t answer, wasn’t sure I could form words.
The Darkling leaned further into my space, his hand was still on my cheek, caressing it with feather-light touches.
“Did your friend kiss you?” He asked, voice close to my ear.
I nodded.
“Did you like it?” He asked.
“N…no,” I whispered.
“What about my kisses?” He asked silkily. He was still speaking quietly, voice close to my ear. His lips touched at the lobe gently while he waited for my answer.
“Yes,” I said, even quieter this time but I knew he heard it.
“I’m sorry, Alina, what was that?” The Darkling asked, moving away from me this time. He sounded detached, almost bored.
“Yes! I liked when you kissed me.” I burst out. “I didn’t like the other kisses,” I said, quietly, almost to myself.
The Darkling was back in my personal space then and he longer looked calm or detached.
“Did he force you?” He asked and I could hear the rage in his tone.
“Kind of?” I said and the air dropped a few degrees.
The Darkling cursed in a language I’d never heard before and turned away from me.
When he spoke again his voice was calmer but still angry. “Who was it?” He asked.
“I’m not telling you that,” I said. Although I was still upset with Mal and hurt at his earlier behavior, I didn’t want him to die and I knew there was murder in the Darkling’s eyes.
It was futile not to tell him, I knew the Darkling could figure it out with his powers that I still didn’t fully understand. But I was holding firm in this.
“I kicked him,” I said.
“Good.” The Darkling said, satisfaction creeping into his tone.
“And I threatened to do worse if he didn’t leave me alone,” I said, pride creeping into my voice.
“Good.” The Darkling said again.
We both fell silent. The Darkling was staring at me again.
“Why?” I said, finally breaking the interminable silence.
His brow furrowed but he said nothing.
“Why me ?” I asked. Why had he kissed me, chosen me, why was he currently in my room? But I didn’t say all that to him. I didn’t want to look like a fool.
“Alina,” He said. “You’re the sun summoner, you were made for me.” He said, simply.
“That still doesn’t answer my question,” I said.
The Darkling walked forward until he was in my space again. He cupped my face in his hands but did not move to do more.
“I’ve been alive for so long.” He said. “Longer than you can possibly imagine. I’ve seen Grisha come and go, I’ve seen the shadow fold and empires rise and fall and rise and fall. But throughout it all, I was searching for something else.” He said. He released my face and began to circle around me as he spoke. “I didn’t know what I was searching for, not even if it was a person or a thing or a place. It was maddening. I was desperate.” He told me, coming back to stand in front of me. He didn’t reach out though.
“But then.” He stopped, took a breath. “Then you took out a flock of volcra. I thought it was just some Grisha we hadn’t tested. Some slip through the cracks you know. I assumed people were wrong about what they’d seen but I needed to know anyway. So, I had you brought to me.” He smiled a small secret smile almost to himself before continuing. “The generals said it was a little girl, just some peasant who’d taken out the volcra. But then they brought you in. You were bloody and bruised and so forlorn looking. But you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. And you know why?” He asked.
I shook my head. I almost couldn’t breathe.
“ You , Alina were the thing I’d been looking for, looking for centuries and you were standing right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. This girl, you were my missing piece. Of course, I wanted you. Of course, I chose you.” He said. “There was no choice. You are my other half.” He said it like it was that simple.
Part of me still couldn’t believe it because part of me would always be the ugly orphan girl, the one never good enough for anybody, not Mal, not Ana Kuya, no one.
But a bigger part of me did believe him.
“I-.” I started to say. But my words broke off as the Darkling pulled me into him, lips coming down on mine in a surprisingly soft but forceful kiss.
He broke it, breathing slightly heavily. “Alina, do you want this? Me?” He asked.
In answer, I kissed him again.
We walked back toward my bed, the Darkling trailing kisses down my jaw into my throat as he tugged at the kefta.
I could hear him murmuring against my neck.
“Saints, Alina you don’t know how you looked when you walked in wearing my color.” He breathed against my ear.
“Hmmm?” I murmured, I was proud that I could say anything, being lost in the sensations and pleasure.
“You’re mine.” He said and began working at my kefta again.
His kisses trailed further downwards as more of clothes began to come off. My hands gripped at his shoulders and made vain attempts to free him from his own clothing, but I was beginning to give up. The Darkling was kissing everywhere his lips could reach, his body pressing me into the mattress. I could feel little bursts of pleasure ricocheting through me.
“Not fair.” I panted as I realized the Darkling had succeeded in getting me naked while he was still wearing his (now rumpled) kefta.
He grinned at me, but his grin faded as he stared. I felt the urge to cover myself and I could feel my blush working its way from my ears down to my chest.
There was hunger in the Darkling’s gaze. But he lifted himself off me in order to remove his own clothes.
“Alina,” He said, pausing for a moment. “You know what comes after this right?” He asked. I could almost swear he looked nervous. But that was ridiculous. The darkling didn’t get nervous.
I rolled my eyes. “You know before this I was in the army, not much privacy there. Everyone knew what was going on.” I said and that seemed to satisfy him.
The Darkling finished removing his clothes and bent back towards me.
“Wait,” I said and he froze. “I, um, I don’t know what to call you,” I said, weakly. Calling him the Darkling felt so cold, clinical.
The Darkling looked at me for a moment, his expression changing from desire to something softer.
“You can call me Aleksander.” He said and silenced me with his mouth.
Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up feeling a body pressed against me. I panicked for a moment, forgetting who exactly was in bed with me. The Darkling murmured something I couldn’t hear against my shoulder blade and I relaxed, falling back asleep.
The next morning the bed was empty except for me. The Darkling was gone, his side of the bed not even rumpled. He’d left no trace of himself behind. In a daze, I got out of bed and walked over to the bathing chamber. I washed quickly before throwing on my clothes. Bodkin had given us the day off to recuperate from the party and sleep in, but I felt restless. I made my way down to the dining area, my stomach rumbling with hunger and nerves. The Darkling didn’t normally eat with us but perhaps this time, perhaps after last night he’d make an exception.
The dining hall was empty except for a few Grisha I didn’t know sitting at their own table. They didn’t acknowledge me when I came in and I sat at the usual table, eating quietly. I wondered where Genya had gone off to, hopefully, she’d enjoyed the party and didn’t have to serve the royals, but I wasn’t hopeful.
Although Bodkin had given us the day off, I knew Baghra would want to see me. She probably had some criticism over my performance or some other exercise to put me through.
I trudged over to her hut, body still sore and stiff from yesterday. The hut was dark and there was no sign off life. Perhaps Baghra wanted me to light it with my powers.
I knocked on the door.
No answer.
I knocked again.
No answer.
I opened the door and gasped. The hut was empty, not just of Baghra but of any belongings. Baghra was gone and gone for good.