Work Text:
he should’ve known it when the bright, easy smiles he gave his love slowly turned into forced ones. jimin should’ve known it when his eyes stayed wide open as their breaths mingled, should’ve noticed the way he subconsciously grimaced when the other leaned closer to him.
it was inevitable, he knew. from the start of their relationship, jimin knew there was an end to it. knew that as their relationship progressed, his heart was battling with his brain all along; his heart had loved him, loved him so much, loved the way it stuttered when he saw him. but his brain knew better. toxic, he heard his subconsciousness echo throughout his brain every time he spent time with him. he ignored it back then, too in love with the idea of love, pushed the voice away until he stopped hearing it, until he heard his own voice say it. it was then, that jimin realized.
him and jungkook? yeah, they were never meant to last.
and that is why jimin found himself in his safe haven, the dance studio, at 2 a.m. staring at the wooden floor with his back to one of the walls. he recounted all the times he spent with him, trying to hold on tight to the memories that built up to this moment.
memories started spilling behind his lids, memories of confessions and coffee dates and beach walks and late night talks, and jimin felt a lump settling in his throat, choking him up. he pushes his hands against his lips, trying to push down the sobs that had threatened to spill, to silence them, but failed at doing so. as soon as the first one escapes, the tears don’t end, and he claws at his chest with his free hand, his heart hurting so much, as if ripping his heart out would take the pain away.
he remembers it so well, the point at which it all went wrong. he remembers when the person he should have felt the safest with made him feel scared. remembers when the ugly roots of self-hatred and uncertainty had grown the longer he was in the relationship, blooming fully until he hated, loathed, himself. he read once that a healthy relationship was based on love, certainty, trust, and making the other feel wanted.
so why was it that all jimin felt was that he was the only one giving—only one giving love, only one trying to keep this relationship working. his supposed ‘other half’ made him do things he didn’t want to, feel things he didn’t want, made him feel unworthy, made him work for the both of them to keep the relationship going.
it could have been all on jimin, his insecurities had always gotten the best of him, dragged him until he felt unworthy of everything. he knows now that being in a relationship, even with the right person, would never work out when insecurities and self-hatred were present.
jimin knew it was time to let him go, it was time to start over, build himself once again, so that maybe, one day, he’d be able to hand a part of himself to someone else.
so why did he still feel this way, why did he still love him? he felt like a masochist, wanting something so bad, fully knowing all he got was pain from it.
by then, jimin had given up on maintaining the sobs, had given up on wiping the hot tears that were still trailing down his cheeks. he looks up at the ceiling, eyes dazed, not focusing on anything. he remembers a line he once heard, and quietly whispers it, voice cracking as more tears cascade freely from his eyes.
“but I still want you.”